The Leonidas Times

Trust and Fitness: A Self-Cross-Examination

2011-03-10T23:46:00.001-07:00

Tonight I had two epiphanies. The first was about trust and connections between humans. The second was about my fitness level (and lack thereof).

*Epiphany #1 -- Trust:

I was outside in my car, allowing myself the opportunity to chill out my overfried brain when across my brain drifted thoughts about dating. You see, the past two guys I have dated have told me they want to be with me but they choose not to because I "don't have my career figured out."

Sidenote: When the second guy told me that, I promptly went home, printed out 17 pages worth of my Career Map and handed it to him, with the challenge "Don't ever tell me I don't have my career figured out. This is only HALF of it." :)

I am SO sick of people giving me feedback that I don't know what's going on in my life, or that I have no clarity, because I do -- however I don't have the funds or connections to get my plans in motion. So then my brain zapped over to "Well, then why the hell can't they trust me that I have my shit figured out??" and the other side of my brain automatically fired out an answer: "Because you have nothing to prove it to them. You hadn't mapped out your career until just recently, therefore you currently have no solid proof that your plans will come to fruition...a couple months from now, as my Career Map successfully unfolds, they will see that they can trust me."

Truthfully, at that point I got a little upset that they couldn't just trust me since I am the most upfront, forthright and trustworthy person they've ever encountered, and I cross-examined myself with: "Well, take a look at you, for example. When you start dating people, do you just naturally trust them?" "Yes," I responded proudly and triumphantly until I responded to myself again with "Really? Like, you would entrust your entire life and well-being to someone on the first date? Don't be ridiculous, you know that's not true." I agreed with myself, and added "I trust them -- to be a good human -- and then I look for things that can engender a really powerful bond based on habits that, as they interact with my belief systems, highlight and further create the type of trust where I could look at them and say 'I know I can trust you with my life and well-being.'"

The same thing goes with jobs. When I look at hiring someone to assist me in fulfilling my vision, I am absolutely METICULOUS. I don't want to give the job to just anyone, I want to make sure they will be able to lead their part of my vision to glorious success, and I base this largely on their resume, if they are not someone whose talents and history I already know and trust. Yet when I apply and interview at jobs, I get frustrated because I know I can do the job but I may not have had EXACT titular history in the position, though I have performed the EXACT duties necessary -- but they want to see a resume that has the exact titles for instance, because they are looking to invest their trust in me, and they don't want to make a misstep. And let's face it, the only people in an organization who are willing to risk anything are the entrepreneurs themselves, and sometimes their investors...not the management or other under-employees.

So I respect their position. I respect Man #1 and #2 for not seeing something in me that aligns with their values enough such that they could invest in me their trust. And I will respect #3 -- the guy who is currently interested in me that I just started dating -- if he feels the same way. It is only human to base the strength of our CONNECTIONS in TRUST.

*Epiphany #2 -- Fitness:

I realized tonight that I have always held this belief that being fit means that I am weak. Uh, can we just pause there for a second and all together laugh at how ridiculous that belief is?? LOL! I literally stopped in my tracks when I realized I had that belief. How could being fit possibly mean that I am weak? I have two clues to possible derivations of this far-fetched belief.

First, when I had money, I signed a 2-year contract with Gold's Gym (and then barely used it), and forgot about it, so it went into collections. I have been battling with them to pay off their exorbitant fees and cycles for about 3 years now!

In his book, "Killing Sacred Cows," Garrett Gunderson talks about the different types of liabilities: productive, consumptive and destructive. Though a gym membership is typically a productive liability, in my case, it was somewhere between consumptive and destructive...I got it because I had the money to afford it and I thought having one might make me want to work out [consumptive] -- but I only desired adding the idea of working out to my mind because I wanted to be skinny and feel pretty [destructive]. Since then, after watching my bank account being completely zapped to zero by Gold's, it is possible I decided that altogether, fitness was a bad thing and should be avoided.

Second, exercising has never felt good to me. It has always seemed like WORK and I always feel tired and energy sapped after working out. Also, when I did work out, I didn't do it consistently, and I didn't eat healthily, so any possible visible benefits that I could have received from it didn't register to me. As pointed out in my last blog, being anorexic seemed like a more valid choice because I could readily see myself getting skinnier as a result, plus the added benefit of not having to eat or buy food or work to make enough money to be able to eat properly, if at all...it obviously came out as the winner because it was much easier! However, that took a toll on me mentally that I would have never foreseen. So all of this means that working out is definitely bad for me! Haha. Yes, that's what I thought.

However, now as I am going to yoga, I am feeling pretty refreshed afterward, and I know I worked strenuously at it, but I feel good at it and can't wait to go back because I feel proud of myself for doing things I didn't think I could do, and for getting through times I thought would be too tough for me! Now I can look at fitness with a healthy mindset, realize it is truly a good thing, and desire to do it, knowing it will add much more to my life than would not being physically fit.

That's all for tonight, love you all! :)

Apollo

Healthy Anorexia

2011-02-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Three or four years ago, I decided to be anorexic. I hated my body, I hated my sexuality, I hated everything about me, and thought the best way to start being able to control myself and my life and the way people saw me was to be skinny, and the only way I could do that was to stop eating. As I began this, I started to notice that people took concern when they saw me simultaneously getting a lot skinnier and not buying food when we went out to eat. And inside I flipped out. I wanted to be skinnier, and I wanted people to think better of me, but they wouldn't think better of me if they knew I was anorexic. I had to find a way to cloak my disorder. So I stopped earning money. I guess I thought people perceiving me as poor would be better than as anorexic, and if I was poor, I had no excuse to not eat. Sure, other people could offer to buy me food, but I could very easily decline and then explain it away as me desiring to be gracious. Every one loves a good martyr, right? So just like that, I stopped eating, stopped earning enough money to pay for anything but rent and utilities, and I have continued on that path for the past four years.

The issue here, however, is not necessarily the anorexia. That was just a sick symptom of a larger dis-ease within me. Embodying anorexia gave me the opportunity to embody powerlessness, which in turn was magnified by my mental filters once I stopped earning proper wages to support my life. I became irresponsible with money to ensure that I would never have a surplus of funds to spend on food, which led to excessive debt. At the age of 19, I immaturely spent a $30,000 student loan my dad cosigned for me on clothes and furniture -- within three months -- and I wasn't working, so I was immediately evicted from my new apartment (so much for that furniture) and manipulated an ex into letting me live with her and a bunch of her friends on the cheap. I was living the high life as far as any gay was concerned (which was all I was concerned with). I had a nice house in Sugarhouse, $30K of clothes and furnishings inside it, had near to no body fat, had the hottest boyfriend any of my friends had ever seen, and was burning through condoms like they were going out of style. I was a king among lesser men. Finally, now that I'd been released from my family situation and the ideals they held about me, I could finally feel like the royalty I truly was. But the tide is an easy foe when it comes to sandcastles.

Reality came knocking and it slammed the door on the way out! Within two weeks, everything I thought I had -- the CONTROLLED fantasy life I had concocted for myself -- crashed down and I was left with nothing. I lost my job, I got kicked out of my place in Sugarhouse, my boyfriend is actually the one who arranged for me to be kicked out of my house, so needless to say, I lost him as well. And to top it all off, I was out of condoms! ;) I sat there wondering what I had and where I could go. All I had left, in my eyes, was my skinny body. These other things must have just been a couple strike-outs that had nothing to do with my current way of operating in life, right? Silly, I know, but this is what I thought to myself. However, as I'm sure you've learned from this story, by operating in anorexia, I was perpetuating the sickness inside of me that kept me small. So I went out and did it all again. I got a job I didn't like, I fucked any man that breathed, and I spent all of my money irresponsibly. Continuing to act from such spiritual invalidity only compounded my self-degradation like a skyrocketing 401(k).

Long story short, this cycle continued until this summer as I started to really take a look at my self-worth. I am changing the way I interact in my relationships, ascertaining the reason(s) I degrade myself to get sex and validation, and really coming to clarity on my disastrous relationship with money -- financial scarcity AND abundance. And this blog, thankfully, is here as a place for me to set it all out to be ironed. A huge shout-out to Al Gore for inventing the Internet! :P

What I Learned From MLK, Jr.

2011-01-18T11:45:00.001-07:00

Steve Nash (the infamously beautiful -- well, in my and Alex Fauver's eyes at least -- basketball player for the Phoenix Suns) currently has a contest going on his Facebook profile where you win something for writing on his page what is the most profound thing you learned from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Well, I love competition, and especially winning things from being in competition, and I feel like today is my lucky day, so I decided I'd write something on his wall. I sat there in silence for about 2 minutes, thinking. Just thinking. I could have posted anything really, anything bland like "He taught me that black people are awesome and we should all stand up for rights" like everyone else was posting (and, in my opinion, is really all that most white people gleaned from him), but I wanted to search myself and find what he really taught me, deep down into my most integral parts. I mean, he's not just Stephanie Myers or Angelina Jolie; he's more than just a popular figure. He was a man who stood for equality and progress and if he taught me anything, it couldn't have been anything shallow. Right?

So, after two minutes of thinking what he could have possibly taught me, I embraced that I TRULY learned nothing from him, so I began to ask myself why. I like black people (often more than I like white people, honestly), and I've always been incredibly partial to their struggle and wins. So how could I not learn something from one of the (if not "THE"?) most crucial historical figures in African American culture? I went back to my memories of schooling. What did we learn about him here in good ol' counter-culturally oppressive Utah in grade school (and even all the way up to high school)? All I remember learning was that he was a black guy in the '60s who stood up for Rosa Park's rights and then got killed some time around when JFK got killed, which segued into us learning about JFK and then completely basically forgetting about this "MLK" guy. And I'm not joking...that is (INCREDIBLY sadly) the base of what we learned about MLK. I know of people who think his name is just Martin Luther King. I know of people (inside and outside of my state) who don't know the difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King, Jr. Really, people??? REALLY??? What have WE learned about MLK, Jr.??

What have I learned from Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, I have learned the longevity that systemic racism holds in this country. I have learned that many people will make false claims of unconditional love and understanding, and not even realize the whole time that they are B.S.'ing us (and sadly themselves). I have learned that no matter how important and relevant your cause may be, that if you stand up for something that is unpopular, you will at some point be suppressed, your words and your art suffocated in their intensity. I have learned that even though he caused MASSIVE changes in American society, the deepest, dankest, scariest parts of racism still dwell in our social structure, like malignant cells waiting to snatch the next cell that drifts by. I have learned how people hide from their worst enemies -- their ego and their fear of being perfectly imperfect -- in order to carve out this pretend reality for themselves, all in hopes of being "happy" (though they actually settle into being "just okay"). And I think the most important thing I have learned today from MLK, Jr. is how proud and grateful I am to not be one of those people.

I will always shine my light -- in EVERY moment (whatever color, shade or strength it may be) -- because it takes light to make the darkness cower, and vice-versa. I will always keep my consciousness on not allowing the darkness to inspire me to cower. So, I guess today, from Martin Luther King, Jr., I have truly learned the brilliance of my own power. Thank you, Dr. King.

-- Apollo

Melting the Molasses

2010-12-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my manager has a huge fear of disease? The other day, I overheard him telling an employee that he would have rather had them not come in to work because they were sick, even though to me they weren't even symptomatic. So I called in today to learn when he wanted me to show up and he heard my raspy-as-fuck sore throat and was all "Oh, that sucks...I was gonna have you come in tonight but you're sick, so just rest up all day, do as much healing as you can for yourself and then come in tomorrow morning." "Really?" I asked him, in disbelief. "Yeah, I don't want you to get any of the other employees sick because we all need to be on top of our game to sell well, you know?" "Oh. Okay." I replied....still in disbelief. I've never called in to work, wanting to go in even though I'm sick, and been told not to come in. It was weird. Lol.

So, I didn't get up and get ready. I didn't jump in the shower and fret about what I was going to wear. I didn't look at my clock a million times afraid I might be late, and when the alarm I set last night went off, I didn't freak out thinking about the lack of minutes I had left in my schedule. I didn't jump in my car and regret that I didn't have smokes, that I'd given it up and I didn't have to convince myself that my life would be better without them...the whole drive. I didn't yell (in my head) at the drivers who were going 10mph under the speed limit, because it was lightly raining, and I didn't flip off the person that I thereafter cut off and sped ahead of.

Instead, I rested myself again for a couple hours, played on Facebook, brushed and flossed my teeth in order to keep my mouth as clean (therefore healable) as possible. I called a friend I'd been wanting to connect with for months, and happened to catch him in the perfect moment for the perfect amount of time. I received feedback in our lovely conversation that assisted me in being clear on where I've been and where I can move forward to, and some friendly advice and sharing of troubles and triumphs. I caught myself up on my guilty pleasures -- my two favorite blogs (Shannon's Blogspot and Break The Illusion) -- and heard how to guide myself to loving myself more purely. I've been listening to some of the best music on the planet! :)

Wow...weird...I just felt my spirit catch up to my body. It was like it was launched from a slingshot back into my body. Six-ish months ago it got stuck in some molasses and it finally melted free.

Speaking of melting, over the weekend, I spoke to an old friend again and it was pretty cool. The way I do relationships (...for those of you who have not yet found this glaringly obvious based on my track record lol...) is that, as Jared Orvis so perfectly put it, I burn them down to the ground if they don't work for me. We hung out and, from my side, it seemed like we were both attracted to each other. I don't know the why's, the how's, the should's or any of that. None of that is important. But at the time, I thought it was. I spent all of my energy trying to figure out all the why's and how's I could, and tried unsuccessfully to implement my "findings" into a bunch of should's. Should I act this way? Should I not? Should he be doing something based on my actions? Shouldn't he love me already? Shouldn't he want to hang out with only me, because I'm so amazing??? And he is a slippery snake. (I'm not being condescending...he's literally a Snake in Chinese Zodiac...) He could see what I was doing, and what was coming, and he was able to navigate around all of the facets of me, keeping me running around, following him around this little maze he was guiding, all while he had his fun and I went crazy. Hmmmmmmmm...there we go...I discovered one facet he could not do better than me. Insanity. I learned that soon enough. And I implemented it even sooner.

Some of you MAAAAAAY have noticed I've been SLIGHTLY crazy and especially erratic over the past few months. I am starting to believe that once I burnt this relationship to the ground with my insane actions (in order to one-up him and feel like I could control the situation and myself), they became habit, and I confused myself into believing that those actions/tactics worked better than any other to get what I wanted out of my life...

So the other night at karaoke, I saw this man and...well, to preface, we've seen each other a bit around the town and I've always gotten supertense and felt superawkward and then I didn't see him as much anymore so I convinced myself that we were now running in opposite circles and wouldn't share space again. But then I saw him the other night at karaoke and I was really drawn to him. I did my best to be cool around him (we were "sharing" a friend that night at the bar, 'cause we had both individually invited the friend out that night to the same bar) and just focus on how much I love myself and respect him as a human being in order to do so, but we didn't talk. I knew he was uncomfortable a bit, because our energies so easily and naturally intertwine, and that he wanted to talk to me but he didn't know where I would be and he didn't want to open himself back up to The Crazy Bitch. HAHA! However, fate had a different way of dealing with things.

Out of nowhere, I rose an intense fever and my body was aching everywhere and I chose to stand up all night because there were no chairs without butts already in them. Finally, however, it seemed to me like someone left the bar and I spotted an empty chair. Naturally I pounced on it, hoping my back would start to feel better and my body might be able to begin healing itself since it was no longer expending itself. As I finally reached within LITERALLY one step of the open chair, I looked up and saw that it was right next to the chair in which my old friend was sitting. Like...RIGHT next to him. Like, Great-Life-close. Like, you-can't-breathe-next-to-this-person-without-them-feeling-your-lungs-expanding-close. And I sat down. And I felt the wall of ice being constructed energetically so I couldn't get into his spirit.

Our mutual friend came over and chilled with both of us and so we naturally were involved in each other's conversations and jokes. And I don't remember what sparked the conversation, but I just owned up. We VERY briefly discussed with our mutual friend how we knew each other and I joked about how he'd seen all of me, even the crazy...and he (with gusto) affirmed that. And then I joked a bit more about how I was emotionally unstable when we were friends and how I was a huge contributing factor to the demise of our friendship, and he (with much more gusto each time.......) affirmed my statements. And I kept thinking "God damn it, stop being so happy to affirm these things!" Haha! And I reminded myself that even though my actions WERE shitty, I currently AM not a shitty person. Because of the time I spent learning from my old friend, I have since redeveloped the way I deliver results in my friendships and other relationships. I now choose to be more considerate and compassionate and listen and seek, while holding my own in what I stand for and who I am.

So I believe that all of the introspection that this day has truly truly GIVEN to me has been exactly what I needed to bring one minute chapter to a conclusion; honoring him and celebrating and healing myself.

Love,
Apollo

Rockin'

2010-12-09T02:49:00.002-07:00

Rockin'

Rockin’ the hurt
What’s that now?
Rockin’ this life
And how?
Rockin’ this shit,
With nowhere to go
Down this paveme’t
Wreckin’ to my flow.

If you can see it, you can be it
You can do it, you’re here to prove it.
If you desire, you can take it higher,
Take it to the streets and move it.

I'm Grateful For The Living

2010-11-25T06:22:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when you want something, you've gotta go full force at it. That's what I've been doing the past six months. And sometimes when you do that, you don't always have one hundred percent happy results.

The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."

I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...

I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.

I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.

Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.

My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?

I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.

I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.

I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.

Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Ego

2010-11-02T23:26:00.000-06:00

I don't like being self-centered.
I don't like things going in my favor more than in the favor of others, nor do I enjoy things going in the favor of others more than in my favor.
I enjoy balance, harmony, peace and to give to others. I like them to return the flow to me, in praise and love. Is this self-centeredness? Is this simply self-love? My ego doesn't like to separate from me, I notice...So much that he has tried to make himself the topic of this blog, rather than my loving side...to do so would be to make it seem to myself as if my Ego was stronger or more prevalent in me, thus allowing him to win for a brief interlude. But he's not...he's simply the wolf I feed or the wolf I starve. My body is starving lately because I am not feeding my True Self, but am feeding my Ego Self, who cannot exist within my soul, truly, therefore cannot give sustenance to me in living, therefore weakens me...and then looks to blame it on others and outside circumstances, in order to hide himself in the shadow -- as I have been doing the past week as I've been looking at why I feel sooo weak lately. I am good enough, and I am strong enough. I am beautiful, no matter what he says. Mmmmmm...I love me...I embrace all of me, and I feed and accentuate all parts within me that celebrate my spirit's purity, and that engender love and trust.
Thank you :)

I Choose Love

2010-11-01T19:31:00.000-06:00

Well, at first, I intended this blog to be longer, because I was going to do some emotional sorting via it, but it turns out I just did it in the past ten minutes in my head, LOL, so I'm just gonna give a bit of a recap and share some thoughts. Please, feel free to comment if you want more info or help with this aspect in your own life.

A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight

...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..

Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.

My "Upline" To Freedom

2010-10-23T14:46:00.000-06:00

My reality is made by my preferences of my perspectives.

When I get pulled over and I bemoan it, and analyze how my life is crashing down, I decide to hate policemen and authority and where my tax money goes. Then, when I get a ticket, I choose back into that space and I continue the cycle of choosing to dislike getting tickets. Today, I chose not to dislike getting a ticket. I chatted with my friend in the car and grounded myself and continued our conversation while the officer did his work, much like I would do if I were at the drive-thru of Taco Bell. At one point, I turned to my friend in total accountability and said: "Well, I've been thinkin the last couple days about how I get paid next Friday and I have nowhere to spend my money, other than gettin food. Well, now I do! Though I don't really want my money to go here.....well, based on results, I do, actually." Looking at it from that perspective was so calming, and I joked around with the officer and I could tell I made him a little bit happier.

On my way home, I introspected some more and I realized I have a BUNCH of preferences that make up my life, which thereby afflict my attitude, which thereby afflict my behaviors and either connect me to or distract me from my life path. For instance, I have a VERY strong preference for streamlined traffic, and when traffic is not streamlined, I get peeved and then I start to mumble in my head, and then I start to mumble under my breath, and then I start to yell out loud, and all the while I am waging a gigantic war inside of me -- all because my preference was disturbed. Same goes for receiving traffic tickets, people looking pretty (or, rather, not looking pretty), people treating me as an equal, people fighting around me, me being a perfect being (or not) at work, and many other things.

What is YOUR "trickle-effect"? What might be in your life -- what peace might BE -- if your preferences did not affect you so negatively emotionally?
I know for me, it is freedom. Freedom is purity, and it is dancing with me right now :)

Discussing Pedophilia

2010-10-05T17:14:00.000-06:00

This is probably considered "NSFW".

Also, to anyone under 18: know ahead of time, that this is a very touchy subject that, depending on your parents' beliefs, you may need their permission beforehand to read. If that only tempts you to read ahead and not get their permission, trust me, this conversation is not something juicy that will get your rocks off from doing so. So if you know (or are in mystery) that your parents would want you to get their permission before reading something to which I -- a person with basically no boundaries -- would put this disclaimer, you probably should just go do it, so you don't get grounded for something not really worth being grounded for. Haha!

K, so, I just now was invited to join a Facebook group that said this in its description:
"This group is for people that support freedom of others to live alternative lifestyles, whatever those be, as long as they are always consensual and never involve sex between adults and children."
And I automatically thought "Wait, who says kids can't have consensual sex?"

I want to make it clear, I am NOT a pedophile, lol. I would never have sex with a child, because that is not me nor is it what I would want in a sex partner.

My belief is that our society is against pedophilia for two reasons: first, we hold the belief that children cannot make responsible decisions and second, we believe that sex will pervert their innocent nature.

However, I see people my age (and older, in fact) who make sexual decisions as if they had the same understanding of it as a child does. I have seen people make consensual sexual decisions that have been intensely irresponsible. There is, in fact, a whole community of people out there who have sex without condoms on purpose, knowing that their sexual partner has (or may have) HIV/AIDS.

And I don't know about the "innocent nature" we give kids credit for...I know when I was a kid, I wanted to kill people. A lot, actually. Lol. I witness kids on the news taking their own lives (not an innocent act by ANY means), taking the lives of others, degrading and abusing each other spiritually and emotionally and mentally, hell and even physically. There are shows on MTV showcasing REAL LIFE teen pregnancies, and "My Super Sweet 16" which is like, the most evil show ever, I think: it parades a bunch of bitchy 15-almost-16-year-olds taking their spineless/bitchy parents around the block on their leash getting them to spend millions of dollars on their 16th birthday party, all the while treating them worse than cellmates would treat each other (well...minus the anal rape....or, at least they don't show that on TV...). Kids swear all the time nowadays (it actually frightens me how hardened children are nowadays as compared to when I was a youth), often times not really knowing what they're saying or why, simply just copycatting their parents or siblings or friends....So, really, are children "innocent" or are they just "naive"? I would say naive, because to me, innocent is a morality-inflected word that would not have much place in our childrens' lives if it were not for religion's popularity, and in specific, Catholicism's centuries-held reign in popular culture. My definition of naive is simply "not educated/well-informed on a matter."

As I said, I am not a pedophile, and have no desire to be one, but I personally feel that if someone under 18 is making what they believe to be a mutually consensual sexual decision, why should we make it illegal to stop them from making that decision for their life?

Are YOU an "ANT Tour Someone"??

2010-10-01T03:59:00.000-06:00

The following are the people I am looking for to enjoy the ANT Tour with me. If any of the following is you, e-mail me:

-Someone who donates a 7-sleeper (year: 2005 or later) motor home to me/us.

-Someone who loves to teach me how to play an acoustic guitar while we're on the road.

-Someone who wants to play with me and for me on the road.

-Someone who loves assisting me in creating the music to my lyrics, and teaching me how they are so freaking good at it!

-Someone who wants to play their own shows, too -- I want to play shows, but it's not all about me (I'm sure you're shocked! Lol). I am excited and grateful to have a travel companion who doesn't want to do everything for me, they simply want to come and jam on their own little tour too, and we are traveling together :)

-Someone who LOVES to travel, enjoys getting their hands dirty and wants to experience everything that the U.S., Canada and Mexico have to offer!

-Someone who is joyful, powerful and vibrant, energetic and loving, creative, fun, talented and inspiring, and feels and exhibits their own worth.

-Someone who LOVES to live.

-Graphic designer(s) - to create fabulous T-shirts and album artwork - that is/are willing to contract their services on the basis of commission-based payment (i.e., I mail to them a large chunk of my profits, as I sell items to which they contributed).

-Someone who loves to experiment with media and marketing, who overcomes the regular physical boundaries of promotion, and works until he/she has the desired result (or even something better) in order to secure venues to play in and create MASSIVE buzz for each performance before we arrive at its corresponding venue.

I love all of us joyfully doing what we are most passionate about in our lives! :) If you fit into any of these categories, please, feel free to shoot me an e-mail! You can do so by clicking here, going to the "Contact Us" page and filling out the form, or by e-mailing directly to couragelovejoy@yahoo.com. Make sure to put "ANT Tour "Someone"" in the subject line.

--Apollo

Where Are My Viewers From?

2010-09-29T12:47:00.000-06:00

This was the count for this week....I just think it is so cool to have so many international readers! :)

United States
105

South Korea
25

Russia
15

Colombia
14

Canada
10

Germany
2

South Africa
2

United Kingdom
1

Hong Kong
1

Latvia
1

Thank you to everyone who reads and subscribes! :D
<3

I am Powerful. Silly me for Forgetting.

2010-09-22T13:25:00.000-06:00

As I pointed out in the last blog, I go throughout my day and have many opportunities to tell myself "I am not good enough." And, I don't know 'boutchall but when I do that, unless I catch myself the VERY next moment and reaffirm myself, then I get stuck in that moment, and I live in my negative self-talk. I almost did so about 2 minutes ago.

I decided I wanted to put onto my Facebook a link to one of my songs so that I could share it with all of my loved ones. Because it didn't have a button that said "Attach music file," I thought, "Oh, I can't do it, there's no way I could figure out a way to do it." And I REALLY wanted to share the song so I decided fuck it! I'm beating that negative thought! I said to myself, "Find a way, dammit. You're amazing and intelligent!" So I did. :) I realized I could post it here, and then post my blog link to my Facebook page. THEN, as I was typing that JUST NOW, I realized I don't know how to post a song onto my blog, either, haha!! So, guess what I did. I Googled "How to post a song on Facebook" and man, did I find a bevy of resources! I am actually currently looking through them, to see what will be the best option, Lol. So look forward to my link coming soon on Facebook....HAHA!

(I know this probably all seems so simple, but it is truly amazing to me what I can do when I believe in myself and have 110% determination to accomplish something -- and on the flip side, it is TRULY amazing to me to see what simple things I can't accomplish when I make that momentary choice to think down on myself...)

Loves!

-Apollo

Perfection: A Choice

2010-09-19T20:24:00.001-06:00

As I read a friend's blog today, I thought about all the things I say "I'm not enough" for. Just last night I was texting a friend and when she asked me what stops me from loving and accepting my body, I told her all of them. I think there were about 7 in all. And that was just for my body -- this mortal casing! I read through the comments on that friend's blog and people were listing all the ways in which they believe they are not enough for something. I came across one that said "I am not athletic enough to do cross-country" and immediately I thought "Well, that's silly! Part of participating in a sport is learning it (in my beliefs)!" So that person is perfectly enough to do cross-country, as they will learn along the way the best ways in which to stay in shape to continue successfully doing cross-country.

Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.

How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.

ANT: My "Almost Nationwide Tour"

2010-09-17T00:45:00.002-06:00

It is my "Almost Nationwide Tour" because I am not visiting West Virginia or Nevada. That's right...those states are so sparse and unnecessary that they are the ONLY states in the entire Union with no perceived value in them. Kudos to those two states. LOL.
AH! I just realized I'm not going to Hawai'i either....but that's just 'cause I can't RV across the ocean. Haha. There would be TONS of value in Hawai'i.....but probably not much musically....mostly just lying on hammocks on the beach without a care in the world.......HAHA!

Following is the list of places I WILL be visiting, playing in, volunteering in and (possibly) working in, beginning January/February 2011 (in order):

West Jordan, Utah
Murray, Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
Sundance Festival, Park City, Utah
Sundance Festival, Salt Lake City, Utah
Bountiful, Utah
Ogden, Utah
Logan, Utah
Jackson, Wyoming
Island Park, Idaho
Bozeman, Montana
Coeur D'Alene, Idaho/Spokane, Washington
Seattle, Washington
Bellingham, Washington
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (recreational purposes only)
Seattle, Washington
Portland, Oregon
Salem, Oregon
Newport, Oregon
Crescent City, California
Klamath/Eureka, California (solely for Redwood Nat'l Park purposes)
Santa Rosa, California
Berkeley, California
San Francisco, California (also, stopping at the Getty Museum)
Sacramento/Citrus Heights, California
San Francisco, California
Santa Cruz, California
Monterey, California
San Luis Obispo, California
Santa Barbara, California
Thousand Oaks, California
Malibu, California
Calabasas, California (maybe)
Studio City, California (solely to stop to get TV spots)
Burbank, Californa (solely to stop at Jay Leno's studios and get an impromptu playing)
Hollywood, California
West Hollywood, California (including Park La Brea)
Beverly Hills, California
Century City, California
Santa Monica, California
Venice Beach/Marina Del Rey, California
Redondo Beach, California
Long Beach, California
Huntington Beach, California
Newport Beach, California
Laguna Beach, California
San Clemente or Oceanside, California
San Diego, California
Tijuana, Mexico.......for obvious purposes..... :D
Yuma, Arizona
Gila Bend, Arizona (maybe)
Puerto Penasco, Mexico
Tucson, Arizona
Phoenix, Arizona
Flagstaff, Arizona
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Juarez, Mexico (maybe)
San Antonio, Texas
Austin, Texas
Houston, Texas
Lafayette, Louisiana
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
New Orleans, Louisiana
Vicksburg, Mississippi
Birmingham or Montgomery, Alabama
Atlanta, Georgia
Tallahassee area, Florida
Homosassa, Florida (yes, JUST because of the name)
Tampa, Florida
Apollo Beach, Florida (YES! THE NAME!) :D
Cape Coral, Florida
Sanibel Island, Florida
Barefoot Beach, Florida (you gotta check that shit out, right?)
Naples, Florida
Miami/Miami Beach, Florida
Key West, Florida
Nassau/Nicholls Town, Bahamas
West Palm Beach, Florida
Orlando, Florida
Daytona Beach, Florida
Jacksonville, Florida
Savannah, Georgia
Charleston, South Carolina
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Sumter, South Carolina
Raleigh, North Carolina
Richmond/Mechanicsville, Virginia
Washington, D.C.
Baltimore, Maryland
Annapolis, Maryland
Dover, Delaware
New Castle/Wilmington Manor, Delaware
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Soho/Chinatown, NYC, New York
Coney Island, New York
Brooklyn, New York
East Village/NYU/Meat Packing District, NYC, New York
Wall Street/Times Square, New York
Central Park, NYC, New York
Manhattan/Harlem, NYC, New York
Mt. Vernon/Yonkers, New York
Stamford, Connecticut
New Haven, Connecticut
Hartford, Connecticut
Cranston, Rhode Island
Providence/East Providence, Rhode Island
Somerset, Massachusetts
Boston, Massachusetts
Manchester, New Hampshire
Concord, New Hampshire
Portland, Maine
Deer Isle, Maine
Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Burlington, Vermont
Montpelier, Vermont
Syracuse, New York
Rochester, New York
Buffalo, New York
The Niagara Falls
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
The Niagara Falls
Erie, Pennsylvania
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Youngstown, Ohio
Akron, Ohio
Cleveland, Ohio
Toledo, Ohio
Detroit, Michigan
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Dayton, Ohio
Columbus, Ohio
Cincinnati, Ohio
Lexington, Kentucky
Knoxville, Tennessee
Nashville, Tennessee
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Indianapolis, Indiana
Gary, Indiana (maybe)
Chicago, Illinois
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Duluth, Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Peoria, Illinois
Decatur, Illinois
St. Louis, Missouri
Memphis, Tennessee
Little Rock, Arkansas
Branson, Missouri
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Witchita, Kansas
Topeka, Kansas
Tonganoxie, Kansas
Kansas City, Missouri
Independence, Missouri
Des Moines, Iowa
Omaha, Nebraska
Lincoln, Nebraska
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Pierre, South Dakota
Rapid City, South Dakota
Mt. Rushmore, Keystone, South Dakota
Dickinson, North Dakota
Billings, Montana
Casper, Wyoming
Cheyenne, Wyoming
Laramie, Wyoming
Fort Collins, Colorado
Denver, Colorado
Littleton, Colorado
Grand Junction, Colorado
Arches National Park/Moab, Utah
Green River, Utah
Price/Helper, Utah
Duchesne, Utah
Park City, Utah
Brigham City, Utah
Twin Falls, Idaho
Boise, Idaho
Kennewick, Washington
Yakima, Washington
Seattle, Washington
Everett, Washington
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada
Chilliwack, British Columbia, Canada
Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada
Clinton, British Columbia, Canada
Prince George, British Columbia, Canada
Vanderhoof, British Columbia, Canada
Houston, British Columbia, Canada
Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada
Ketchikan, Alaska
Juneau, Alaska
Skagway, Alaska
Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada
Haines Junction, Yukon, Canada
Silver City, Yukon, Canada
Dry Creek/Snag Junction, Yukon, Canada
Northway Junction, Alaska
Tok, Alaska
Fort Greely/Delta Junction, Alaska
North Pole/Fairbanks, Alaska
Wasilla, Alaska
Anchorage, Alaska
McGrath, Alaska
Nulato or Galena, Alaska
Koyuk, Alaska
White Mountain, Alaska
Nome, Alaska
Wales, Alaska
Anchorage, Alaska
Glennallen, Alaska
Jasper, Alberta, Canada
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
Great Falls, Montana
Helena, Montana
Butte, Montana
Island Park, Idaho
Rexburg/Rigby, Idaho
Idaho Falls, Idaho
Pocatello, Idaho
Garden City, Bear Lake, Utah
Logan, Utah
Eden, Utah
Antelope Island
Sugarhouse, Utah
American Fork/Lehi, Utah
Orem, Utah
Provo, Utah
Draper/Sandy, Utah
West Jordan, Utah

188 locations in all.
Sigh. This feels good. :)

The Village!

2010-09-17T00:41:00.000-06:00

Many of you may have noticed my previous post, which discusses my vision of RV'ing the country doing acts of service, singing my songs in random places, and doing day labor in different cities across the U.S. (And if you haven't yet read that, go check it out and then come back to this post.)
Well, I was just turned on to this online service, and I dig it. I plan to build a "village" and participate as needed in order to secure my funding for this vision I have. I ask you to join my "village."

What I am asking is clear (and I have posted links that can assist you in getting even clearer beforehand): Check out the links, join my "Varolo Village," watch ten minutes of videos every day to casually make money for yourself, and assist me in making money for myself without having to rely on funds from you personally! To ME, it sounds like a great idea...a great chance for me to be able to accomplish my dreams, and for you to be able to earn money while feeling good about assisting me as well.

Number One: It is a sort of MLM, HOWEVER (and this is a HUGE "however") it does not seem like it is out to fuck anyone over. It is completely free to join, there's nothing you have to order or pay for in fact....none of that regular MLM B.S.....the payout system is simply set up like a pyramid such that we can share and assist one another in getting money. Check out the following link to get the EXACT details:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/VaroloComp.html
(BTW, the video is a little long, but it is really worth watching the whole thing because it is very informative, honest and clear)

Now, if you want more information on the service itself, go to this link and watch this video:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/Varolo12Min.html
(Honestly, I didn't see much value in this one because it is just like a longer version of what is told to you on the sign up page, and it didn't add anything really important to my decision-making factors. And honestly, this is really only about making money really easily, for all of us, so the more important video is the one I posted first :)

Number Two: I ask that those who are interested sign-up, and be active, so that we can all assist one another in making money. And if you end up getting uninterested, then un-sign-up! LOL. It's ridiculously easy, the whole thing. And that is all that I am asking. Nothing else. It's that simple, uncomplicated, and value-oriented.

To sign up in my "village," and possibly even begin one of your OWN, follow this link: http://www.varolo.com/d/node/12?id=elnaevrtre%40lnubb.pbz

Thank you ahead of time. This is a huge step for me in advancing my biggest life-long dream, as outlined in my previous Note. Seriously: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Loves,

Apollo!

P.S. -- please discuss any questions, comments, etc. here so I know my feedback :) Thanks!

I'm RV'ing Across the United States, Giving Music, Service & Worth

2010-09-16T01:00:00.002-06:00

1) I am getting with Shawn Saunders, Justan Peterson & Jordan Beckstead to make music to my lyrics.

2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.

3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html

4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.

5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.

6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.

7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.

8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.

I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!

Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.

Thank you! :D

Why I Should Forgive Me

2010-09-10T18:10:00.001-06:00

I need to start forgiving myself. Because I don't, I hurt. And I continue to pile up negative thoughts about myself and my choices, and I continue to hurt. I fall into deep depression, and the only time I ever feel like I can actually breathe is when I get just above the tip of the water -- to a place where I don't fully believe in my pain, but I definitely don't believe in my joy, either. I've experienced what I believe to be pure joy possibly 3 times in my life thus far. And it is because I am too far into my own asshole of depression to feel anything else. One step I've identified today as a possible way to change this and start feeling REAL joy more often is to forgive myself for the "mistakes" I've made. Noticing that any "failure" was just a chance I took, and noticing why it may have turned out as a failure. I will never KNOW why it was a failure, but I can do my best to guess at why, subsequently teaching myself what does and what does not bring me joy. Let's see if it works.

*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.

Hi. I'm beautiful.

2010-09-07T01:30:00.000-06:00

How often do any of us go up to someone and introduce ourselves as such? I'd wager never. How often do any of us go up to someone we're meeting and even THINK that? I'd wager not quite often...I know I often don't.
And I feel beautiful, REALLY beautiful right now. And it doesn't feel quite fleeting.

Now, every time I meet someone new, I will shake their hand and say. "Hi, I'm Apollo!" and inside I will think "I am beautiful" or "...and god I'm gorgeous!!" and really feel it as I shake their hand. How might that feel to get a handshake from someone who truly knows and feels their worth and their beauty and emanates it??? Well, we will see, won't we?! Lol

Links to My Tracklist (As Promised on Facebook!)

2010-09-02T04:40:00.002-06:00

Here you go, blog buddies, enjoy!!

1-Walking on the Moon
2-Cracked
3-Only Love Endures
4-Back Down
5-A Pod of Peas
6-The End
7-Catnip
8-The Ringleader
9-Stripped
10-The Bomb
11-Surrender
12-Winter's Bait
13-Zombies
14-Get Back On Track

Birthday Blog!!

2010-08-26T13:11:00.001-06:00

I know, my birthday is not OFFICIALLY until tomorrow, but I am just so excited for it!!!! :D This is the first birthday I've actually been excited for since I was, like, 5 maybe? I can't even remember. I remember I always looooovvvved Christmas, 'cause I got presents AND I got to see all my loved ones open their presents, too, and I always felt like my birthday was nothing special, and I half-wished that others would be getting presents on my birthday too.
This year, my birthday is all about me :) Yes, I will be spending it with all of my closest, dearest friends, and I will be having a raucous time around a bunch of other people, but it is my first conscious self-birth day. I am finally celebrating all that is me...no rejecting, not denying, no deflecting or lying, I am embracing all that is about me and taking it to the extreme :) So, yeah....HELLA excited!!! :D

Anyhow, I love this song by Switchfoot! This past year as I've been listening to it, I've felt it is so apropos as I culminate my 24th year here (I count being in the womb as a year of life, so technically, I feel that this birthday is the culmination of my 24th year, though I know in the "real world," I must continue to label myself as only 24 :)

Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLagfciU_PU

And the lyrics are posted below...enjoy! :)

"24"
by Switchfoot

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
Twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty-four dropouts
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago

Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."

There's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty-four strong

See I'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh, I am the second man
Oh, oh, I am the second man now
Oh, oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,
You're raising the dead in me."
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I wanna see miracles, see the world change...
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name,
For more than a feeling,
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,"
And You're raising the dead in me.

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts.
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms..."
Yeah, I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not, not copping out.

Pandora's Box

2010-08-24T17:49:00.003-06:00

I've been playing in my relationships in a self-constructed box of drama and lies. I believed that if I could control everything in a relationship (and if not, then at least everyONE), then I would be in a successful relationship because I wouldn't be manipulated, therefore I wouldn't be hurt. But here's the clincher: I'm the one who decided that manipulation = pain. But it doesn't. Well, it does, but ONLY if I tell myself that story. If I don't believe that thought, then it doesn't hurt. Um, hi, Freedom, I have finally met thee. I came to this conclusion as I listened to Missy Higgins's song "Steer" and the following lyrics hit it home the deepest:

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
Though you control where you go,
You can't steer

It's like she was speaking directly to me in this moment, and I took on those lyrics as a part of me in order to reflect back to myself how I behave. Long have I been manipulating and "controlling" others -- lying to myself that I am controlling them, when such a thing is not possible, because we are ALL granted with agency, and I do not hold a more powerful version of agency than anyone else holds, though I've long told myself I do.

I've spun out in these circles ever since my dad left, out of nowhere, absolutely a surprise. If he could leave out of nowhere, so could someone else -- unless I actively spent all my energy on preventing them from doing so. At this young age, I didn't realize he left because he CHOSE to. Though I blamed myself, it had nothing to do with me. His choice (and subsequent choices to further push himself away from his past life) were indications to me in my developmental stages that I was sick, bad and wrong and wasn't doing enough to keep him around. And I wouldn't have this again. I would manage every relationship from that point forward to ensure that they did not leave until I was ready, at which point I would fiercely push them away.

I went on a couple dates with this guy recently, and I fell hard. He didn't trust me, and so I went into control mode. "I want to make SURE he learns he can trust me! I want to be the one who saves him from the darkness he is currently experiencing, and then when I do that, he will want to be with me forever because I am sooooo full of light!" (Yes, I too am gagging at these thoughts as I see them in the light of truth). And what happened was my efforts pushed him away because he didn't want to be controlled. My attempts to control the situation came off as (and I now see that they really were) attempts to control HIM, and he wanted none of that, so I pushed him further and further from trusting me. How beautiful is the irony of life?

So now I am analyzing myself and my actions, to see what I can learn from them. And what I have learned is that I need to just BE. I can just be me, and still be safe. I don't need to keep my guard up, thinking someone will disappear, and then prove my beliefs right by pushing the person away. I can just trust that as I engage with him (or anyone else for that matter), that life will continue to be life just as it always has been, and that I can go with the flow of it without freaking out that the other shoe is going to drop. Because WHAT IF it drops? What if all these things I'm afraid of actually DO happen? With certainty, some of them will happen because they are aspects of life.

But it is no longer about controlling life. I see now that I have constructed this box, and it is time for me to step out of it. In this way, I can be my true potential and trust myself and trust others and enjoy life. So here we go and we'll see what happens! :D

Walking On The Moon

2010-08-24T01:54:00.000-06:00

"Walking On The Moon"
by Apollo Leonidas

I'm walking tonight
Alone again
I'm walking outside
Remembering you and the things you said.

I want you, I desperately feel you
But you are gone.
And I am weak,
I am wrong.

I'm walking again tonight,
But this time with no beauty by my side.
The bushes glare at my
Loneliness, my fear and my hurt inside.

The dark feels deep when you're not around.
The tears sting, rolling silently down.
The moon is loud, it quiets the stars
Their light can't be seen this far.

Much like yours to my eyes,
We shade ourselves in fear.
We stab, we run, and we fly.
No closer do we get when we try to steer.

I hear that I am missed.
No one respects a liar.
I lie here: churning, hurting, dying...
You lie there: scared, sad, wasting your gifts.
No one respects a predator.
You hear nothing but lying.

I'm walking again,
Wishing you were with me.
And I write these words, Hoping
You won't come.

I'm begging, alone tonight,
Knees in the grass, bent to love.
Your face stays clean,
Your voice remains quiet.

You are like this late winter breeze
And you wear Robert Frost well.
I see your heart so you hang me
By my tongue and my heart swells.

And I'm walking alone again tonight.
I search for warmth, somewhere to call home.
I seek and don't find. You don't seek and don't find.
Maybe there's really nothing out there, just the lonely road.

Tonight, I will just walk.
I will wish for the best, as I close my eyes.
The night remains dark;
The moon shuts off its light.

Raw...

2010-08-18T17:57:00.000-06:00

I want what I want and I want it now. That is me. :)

I learned last night that I put up A LOT of walls, and a lot of barriers to who I am, even some (still) unconsciously, and I only allow certain people to see certain things, in order to control my world and manipulate those I love...So I'm letting them down and I'm going to tell you all who I am right now.

I have a car whose brake pads are about to go out in 2 days and I have no money to get this taken care of. Yet I still drive it cuz I "need" to, and I don't let anyone know about it because it's something I don't feel like I can surmount alone, so I don't anyone to see that I'm a failure.

I have no financial stability right now and I am trying to make a way for myself in this world, and I feel that not only are all the odds stacked against me, but also that NO ONE is willing to support me in any manner. And my friends continue to prove this right.

I have no friends who I feel really deeply care about me and would go to the absolute wall for me if I ever needed them. I have one friend who I think would go 90% of the way to the wall and would then be too scared to go any further with me, and I feel that every other friend would go about 30% with/for me. That is simply not enough for me. I can't be 70+% of my relationships, it's give and receive and give back, not give and take people.

I feel really disheartened and in despair and disappointed and completely unsupported right now. I hate that I see so many other people being drama and giving each other their bullshit and their friends and family accept it, support them in it, and then do anything they possibly can to assist them through life, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to live an honest, fulfilling, loving, giving life, and no one supports me in it and in fact, day-by-day backs away from me and is unwilling to give me ANY support. I have no one who is willing to listen to me cry, I have no one who has any answers for me, and I have no one who is willing to step up and say "You know what, you're really struggling right now, so let me take this burden for you right now. It's okay, I love you." And I'm sick because of it.

The End.

Living Through White-Colored Glasses

2010-08-17T13:57:00.000-06:00

I am realizing how DEEPLY I deserve to fill my life with things that bring me joy and fun instead of darkness and despair.

I notice that throughout my whole life, I have given myself misery because I felt I deserved only darkness. But now, I've learned to love myself, and I am applying my lessons. I am being in self-worth and love. As a result, I see light all around me. I see my aura, and it is a beautiful white. Sometimes the lining does not project as far out as other days, and sometimes it does, but the outside band of it is grey instead of white. But it is no longer pure darkness.

I noticed today that this is happening because I am more joyful. The more joyful I feel, the wider the circumference of my aura stretches, until it fills up an entire room and extends past the ceiling, as I lie in bed.

As I've many times lain in bed filled with darkness, with a dank, black, gunky aura stretching to the ceiling and beyond, I was able to decide today what the difference between the black aura and the white aura is. As I mentioned before, it is my amount of joy. One way I've procured darkness in my life as been to fill my life with despair. To fill my life with things that make me unhappy, miserable, angry, self-hating, pain and many other dark-spirit emotions. I did this to keep me stuck, I recognize that now. The things I used to fill myself with darkness include: alcohol, judgment, hatred, lying to others, lying to myself, hiding my fears from myself, angry music, bitchiness, violence, irresponsibility, shame/guilt, spending money on things I "should" spend it on, doing things in life that I "should" do instead of what I purely want to do whether or not it seems appropriate or mature, paralysis via fear of failure.

As I remember how I lay in bed on Sunday filling the room with my whiteness and experiencing that feeling, I realized I have such an expansive aura because I am choosing to experience joy in life. I am procuring light in my life in order to be successful, to feel happy and to fill my life with things that make me happy, calm, joyous, honesty, self-love and love for everyone else. I used to look at people and judge them and build up SO much anger based simply on MY OWN judgment...as if they had perpetrated a spiritual crime against me just by existing. Now, I am teaching myself how much I absolutely LOVE to notice those same differences and quirks I used to judge and instead see them as SO beautiful. And I know this could sound like fake mumbo-jumbo rhetoric, and I know in the past I used to write about myself more whimsically and hype my spiritual progression...but this is honest and beautiful. I giggle so much now -- probably, like, 70% of my life now -- because I am absolutely tickled by how sweet everyone in the world truly is. It's a feeling to experience, not explain. :)

So, over the next year, I will be actively and purposely researching what experiences bring more joy into my life. Here is a preemptive list of things I will experience, as I believe they will bring joy into my life:
1. Sky diving
2. SCUBA diving
3. Learning ballet
4. Dating
5. Eating delicious food, and trying new delicious foods
6. Meditating
7. Yoga
8. Hiking
9. Spending lots of time with my friends!
10. Learning
11. Learning foreign languages (ASL and Italian to start with)
12. Writing music and lyrics
13. Drinking wine
14. Dancing
15. Smiling
16. Hugging others and expressing the depth of my love to them
17. Blogging
18. Serving
19. Going on random road trips with friends
20. Drinking coffee
21. Loving me

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

2010-08-17T11:41:00.000-06:00

Today, I feel REALLY weird. The last couple of days, I have been totally high, feeling like I can do anything in the world, and as of yesterday, that feeling started to spiral down, and today it has officially crashed. While I am in my shit today, I see clearly. I see I am in my shit, and I see pathways I could take to get out of it, and I am still fearing that if I move in a direction, it will be the wrong direction and I will be worse off than where I came from.

And so what if that's true? What would happen if I make a move and I fail utterly? Well, I am telling myself that all my friends would leave me, and so would my family, and I would be homeless and without any money or food or love in this world. And I'd either die physically or spiritually. Okay, so what if that happens? I'll be dead. Which will happen in about 60 years or less anyhow. So why is it SUCH a big deal to me if I die now? Because I want to live every single moment, because I've wasted so much of my life (I feel). And if I die RIGHT NOW, then I will be missing out on future moments I could experience. But this moment is not about worrying about future moments. It is about living in the current moment. I want to say it is also about looking forward to the happiness in future moments, but that is really just my Ego Self trying to get back into my current moment by inveigling itself in optimism and happiness. Life is about living in the current moment, this moment, until I can no longer. And then moving on to the next moment. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. :)

Birthday Gift Ideas!! :D (Part Two)

2010-08-13T13:15:00.000-06:00

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/plaid-tweed-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/donny-miller-slip-on.html

Shoes *I like the purple ones MOST, but I like all three of the styles, so you can't go wrong here! :)*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tri-binding-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/herringbone-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/mastodon-blood-mountain-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/vs-archive-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/harrigan-plaid-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/psyc-poster-authentic.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/twill-authentic.html

Shoes *Favorite is the Wine color*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/check-jacquard-era.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/vintage-surf-era.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tiny-houndstooth-106-vulcanized.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/rasta-reprisal-prison-issue-23.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/harrigan-plaid-zapato-del-barco.html

Birthday Gift Ideas!! :D (Part One)

2010-08-13T03:13:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned on FaceBook, I had a LONG list of delicious desires for my day of birth....so, i decided to list them all here instead of plugging up all of your FaceBook News Feeds....how considerate of me, right?... :) I think I deserve a reward for that consideration............ HAHA
Anyhow, here's the list:

Fandango Gift Cards: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Fandango-Bucks-50?ideaID=8394&prodID=84301

Automatic Tie Rack: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Automatic-Tie-Rack?ideaID=10939&prodID=336345

Personalized Black Leather Pad-folio: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Personalized-Black-Leather-Padfolio-with-FREE-Pen-by-Things-Remembered?ideaID=2155&prodID=231867

Cuff Links: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Banana-Republic-Plaid-Disk-Cuff-Link?ideaID=5500&prodID=309090

Travel-Sized Steam Iron: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Steam-Bug-Travel-Steam-Iron?ideaID=189&prodID=297831

Espresso Machine: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nespresso-CitiZ-Espresso-Machine?ideaID=1099&prodID=306102

Personalized Luggage Tags: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Large-Luggage-Tag-Red-with-white-letters-Grandin-Road?ideaID=5448&prodID=322891 *** Remember to put "APOLLO" :)

Over-Ear Book Light! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Effortless-Over-Ear-Book-Light?ideaID=3336&prodID=116256

Bracelet: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/record-cuff-bracelet?ideaID=8764&prodID=97013

Tree-to-be Kit: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Ginkgo-Tree-to-be-Kit?ideaID=8710&prodID=164313

Portable Solar-Powered Electronics Charger! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/L-L-Bean-Sol-Jus-Solar-Charger-Flashlight?ideaID=7297&prodID=240767

Camelback: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Camelbak-Lobo-Hydration-Pack?ideaID=7977&prodID=131641

Well, on this one, if you really know me, you know I don't actually want the underwear at all.....Lol: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Polo-Ralph-Lauren-Signature-Button-Boxer-Brief?ideaID=7118&prodID=218122

Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Blue-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355729

Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-White-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355731

Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Black-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355727

Healthy Food Gift Basket: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Mini-Healthy-Gift-Basket?ideaID=158&prodID=291943

A Rainforest Tree: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Standard-Tree-Kit?ideaID=14063&prodID=329829

Book: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/At-The-Table-Of-Want-Books-?ideaID=8790&prodID=340439

DVD: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/An-Inconvenient-Truth-DVD-?ideaID=8962&prodID=92768

Mint: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Bamboo-Grow-Pot-Mint?ideaID=3252&prodID=335589

Tent: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Big-Agnes-Lynx-Pass-4-Person-Tent?ideaID=14329&prodID=345329

Another (Better?) Solar Charger: http://www.amazon.com/Solar-Gorilla-Laptop-Charger/dp/B001M55B10/ref=pd_sbs_a_2

Sleeping Bag Sleeping Pad: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/THERM-A-REST-Ridge-Rest-Sleeping-Pad-Regular?ideaID=14331&prodID=345355

Sleeping Bag: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Cabelas-Adam-Eve-Ultra-Deluxe-II-Sleeping-Bag?ideaID=14331&prodID=345339

Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-striper-slip-on-khaki-plaid

Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-largo-slip-on-salt-washed-green

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/core-skate-shoes/suede_canvas-era-pro-men.html?experimentId=&testElementId=&cm_mmc=eSpots-_-08062010-_-EraPro-_-suede_canvas_pro

Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/ted-baker-avenay-white

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/joel-tudor-srpls-men.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/joel-tudor-106-sf-men.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/organic-canvas-rata-plus-men.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/hemp-authentic-jute-sf-men.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/sea-captain-men.html

Shoes *In the "Pink, Leprechaun and Bittersweet Orange colors only*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/checkerboard-era.html#variation-4

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/suede-slip-on.html#variation-0

Shoes *These ones in any of the colors*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tm-plaid-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/kiss-hotter-than-hell-slip-on.html

Shoes *In either design of this type*: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=665284&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-1

Shoes *These in Green or Blue designs: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=697020&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-2

Shoes *In either design*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/multi-palm-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/scozia-plaid-slip-on.html#variation-0

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/barton-plaid-slip-on.html#variation-1

Drum Roll Please...The Finale of Part One, August 2010

2010-08-09T18:35:00.002-06:00

Alright, here it is, the finale of my August Part One experience, so get ready for a LONG list of learning (yea for alliteration!!) :)

Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.

Day Three of Part One, August 2010

2010-08-07T02:32:00.000-06:00

So, we got out of GLF LAAAAAATE (if you can't tell by the timestamp on this post...), so I was rushing out to get home and left the notes I took in the building. SO, you will get a double-decker tomorrow! HOWEVER, on my way home, actually as I was pulling up to where I'm staying, I was listening to Pink's song "Sober" and it really hit me. I am free tonight. I am really, finally free. I have learned to love myself, and I have actually done it. I have learned my value, and I am applying it. As such, I no longer NEED (yes, I always felt I needed them) cigarettes or alcohol. I no longer need the "buddy" that was cigarettes/tobacco/nicotine...I am enough as me. I no longer need the safety feeling that alcohol provided. Now that I am free, and I am ME, I don't need (or want AT ALL) alcohol in my body. It poisons my body and inhibits it from functioning in its highest form, and the only reason I ever used it before was to feel happier (ironic, as it is a depressant...) and to make myself feel more comfortable and safer in situations where I'd have to step out of my comfort zone to socialize. But now that I am comfortable in my skin, and comfortable being me and loving me, I don't need anything to assist me in being me. So, as of tonight, I am declaring full sobriety. My ego wants to let you all know, I was never an alcoholic...I didn't come home and drink every night or anything like that, but I WAS addicted. Addicted to the feeling I had when I was with it. And now I have that in me, long-lasting and sturdy and full. Any alcohol would just poison that feeling for me and dirty me up. So, that is all for tonight -- and possibly even better than the notes I took on my learning earlier anyhow! :) I will post them tomorrow though, along with what I learn about me tomorrow. Below are the lyrics to "Sober" in case you get to know them:

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Good night, love birds!!

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Lo

Day Two of Part One, August 2010

2010-08-06T01:31:00.000-06:00

Introspective notes from staffing today:

I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.

Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?

Day One of Part One, August 2010

2010-08-05T02:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I am not going to rewrite this or condense it or summarize it tonight because I am way too tired. But I filled up 5.5 3x5 notecards front and back with things I learned about myself, and I committed to you all that I would write my learning every night, so I am going to do just that. And on Sunday, I will do a wrap-up/summary. But the following are the raw notes of what I learned in the moment and hurriedly jotted down.

I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.

And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!

Band Of Brothers

2010-08-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am staffing Part One this week. I haven't staffed a Part One for probably about a year or so, so I know there is value for me there, and I will be discovering it this week. And I will be letting you in on what I learn, virtually in real-time. I will be blogging every night what I learned from that day staffing. I'm already processing judgments, ego, and depression -- and it hasn't even started yet -- so I know this is gonna be good!

I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.

For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.

Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?

When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??

That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.

Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.

SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).

Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.

Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.

Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.

Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)

I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo

And The Survey Says...

2010-08-03T15:26:00.000-06:00

My Internal World:
Integrous
Grateful
Self-Directed
Confident
Valiant
Persistent
Honorable
Effective
Goal-Oriented
Coachable
Realistic
Pragmatic
Diligent
Peaceful
Deliberate
Resolute
Vigilant
Unconditional

My External World:
Empathetic
Passionate
Disciplined
Respectful
Accepting
Productive
Teachable
Organized
Analytical
Methodical
Compliant
Consistent
Proactive
Tolerant
Just & Fair
Loyal
Protective
Compassionate

I took an assessment on these items today by ranking my feelings about 36 phrases and environments. I will post next week what the results are; in the meantime, I'd like you to give me your feedback on here as to how I show up in these ways of being/beliefs. Thanks! :)

Learning The Long Way

2010-08-01T15:50:00.001-06:00

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends,
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling...
Lived like a gypsy,
Six strong hands on the steering wheel.

I've been a long time gone now.
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down,
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

I met the queen of whatever,
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies,
Moved with the shakers --
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to,

No I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself.
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself.
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow,
No I, I could never follow.

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else,
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down.
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...

I am a 23-year-old guy. I’ve always liked to think of myself as grander than I am, but the truth is that I am a 23-year-old guy who is trying to figure out what this world is all about so he can play in it successfully. I am incredibly powerful, and intensely loving, and I am highly intelligent, and I am beautifully creative, and my mind works in artistic ways others can never fathom, and I even am sometimes astounded by, and I am just living my life, experiencing everything that is going on and learning what it is about. And I just claimed this last night.

Others may have hopes and aspirations for me. Others may have agendas, biases and plans for my life. Others may see in me potential I have yet unlocked to myself; or others may see in me a reflection of the them that they lost long ago and are trying to restore. And none of that is me. To me. To me, I am just another powerfully creative, divine young man walking this earth, inspiring as he can and checking his best interest.

I don’t always know what my best interest is, and I’m a very “big picture”-esque guy, so I get distracted in the details and I get lost in the hubbub, the here-and-there. I see spirits, and auras, and movement of light and being, and I hear beyond someone’s voice. When someone speaks, I see their heart, and if their words don’t jump into their heart like a tiger through a flaming hoop, I know they are full of shit…in that moment at least. And I am astounded that others don’t have this gift.

This May while staffing Founders, Jayson Orvis came up to me and we briefly chatted. I mentioned something about Pamela, or a trainee, or someone. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was regarding their spirit. The offhand sentence I uttered – to ME – was nothing new…it was nothing difficult to decipher about this person…I believed anyone could see it. And he turned to me and he said “Well, yeah, that’s easy for someone like you to see.” And I turned back to him with a puzzled appearance and said “Wait. What?” And he said something like “That’s easy for you to see. You see spiritual shit like that” [obviously that’s not verbatim…] and my jaw dropped in my mind. This is Jayson Orvis, THE trainer of Founders. And he sees this as something special? Well, maybe that’s something I should look into about myself, because I’ve always thought it was normal for people to be able to think like I do, and see things about others that I do.

I continue to learn how great my perception and intuition are. I continue to learn the fuller scale of each and value them appropriately. I think that may be one of my ongoing life lessons…to attune myself to my gifts, validate them and then utilize and develop them.

This month has been a HUGE, intense mirror for me to peer into. It has been clear, it has been foggy, it has been missing, it has been perfectly representative. And I’ve chosen all those manners of being for my mirror. As I drove up to Salt Lake City last night, I had ample time to process. In fact, I had about ten hours, to be more precise! And the soundtrack flowing from my iPod could not have been more perfect in order to support me.

I’ve learned that I’ve focused on what I lack, how much I lack, why I don’t have enough, that I’ll never have enough, where I CAN’T get more so I’m even more doomed, that the Universe must be out to get me, why the Universe must be out to get me, paranoia and all the emotions that come wherewith. I have not spent most of my month focusing on abundance, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, joy, how the Universe has supported/supports me, or my power and worth. And my whole demeanor shifted once I realized that and started to put into practice the latter items listed.

When I was actually GRATEFUL that my iPod battery died before I got all the way home (because I was in Santaquin by then and was able to reset my radio presets, and re-memorize them by the time I got home to crash), my heart was light instead of dark, dank and heavy, filled with anger, stress and frustration. When my sister -- who I have been incredibly angry at and felt betrayed by for the past two months -- called, I was actually happy to hear her share how she was having fun and she wished I was there to have fun with her, unaware I was on my way up to the City, my being -- my actual divine spiritual being -- changed from one of premeditated murder of my soul to instead filling my soul with life and joy and respect and trust and beauty and compassion. I was light. And right now, I am light. And it feels really marvelous.

And I’m not saying I won’t experience the darkness, because life is a dichotomy and there is a shadow to every Oak of Brilliance. But now I have more frames of reference from which to pull in order to drag my butt out of my nerd. Which is good news for YOU: Maybe I won’t be so bitchy as often! Haha! (And if I am, please call me out on it – in a loving, compassionate, respectful way!)

I love you all.

Peace, Love and Kisses,

Apollo

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal,
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there --
I'll be there.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

I'll BE there.

Life In Cartoon Motion

2010-07-29T08:09:00.003-06:00

Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain. I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
I am beautiful, in every single way.

To all your friends, you're delirious. So confused.
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness.
But you are beautiful. No matter what they say.
Words can't bring you down.
You are beautiful, in EVERY SINGLE way.

No matter what we do, no matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine.

--Christina Aguilera
From the song "Beautiful" from the album "Stripped"

Over the last few months, I have been tackling my lack of self-worth. I have been screaming at myself. Hating myself. Glaring at myself in the mirror for the ugliness I possessed. Wanting to punch the mirror and shatter all those words and judgments and beliefs into little pieces. And then hating myself for not doing so, and continuing to believe all the warring thoughts I had about myself.

I've blamed myself for breaking up my engagement. I've blamed myself for his alcoholism. I've hated myself for the actions I took during the course of our relationship, and our break-up. I've hated myself for the last 17 years, letting each unconscious year pile up the interest. I've told myself I'm "perfect," that I'm alright, that everyone loves me...so I don't have to. And it all finally came to a screeching halt when I walked through (and 3 days later, out of) the doors to The Great Life Foundation's Singles/Relationships training, without having any idea why.

I hated Great Life. I hated the trainer. I hated the fact that they were trying to resurrect this obvious failure of a training. Even though I loved them, I convinced myself that I hated everyone who was in the room with me, because they were about to learn all of my sin. I had no fucking clue why I had just paid this place my money. I had no idea why, given all of that hatred for where I was at in that moment, why I continued walking in through the doors. I kept saying to myself "Get out of here, what the fuck are you doing? You know you don't want to be here, and you have so many reasons to back it up." And then the sweet voice of my Spirit spoke up and said "Just don't listen to that right now, okay. Walk in, sit down, and do the training until you can't anymore. Then you will know you are done. At THAT point you will know it was too much for you, or was wrong for you. Just keep walking. Just keep walking." And I kept walking.

I was joined by my favorite people at Great Life, and some new people I'd never even met, which is very rare for me. You see, I worked at Great Life for a year from 2008-2009, and I was the only person working there who seemed to actually care about and get in touch with the graduates and work for their rights, be on their side of the game. So I became known there very quickly. So much so that people I don't see as often STILL ask me "So, you still work at Great Life?"....a year later...after only putting in a year there......Lol. As I saw all of my favorite people walk in the doors, and we all started dancing, I thought "Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to be vulnerable in front of all these people. I CANNOT do that. They know the inspiring me. They know the powerful me. They know the courageous me." And just as I started to get up the courage to stay in the room -- and even smile -- I turned around and in one MINUTE glance, I saw Daniel Lauro. "NOPE I am leaving RIGHT now!" screamed my brain, and I turned to leave the room, and right then the sweet voice yelled (so it could be louder than the music) "What are you doing? This is not the point for you to leave. It's just Daniel."
"But it's DANIEL FUCKING LAURO. I CANNOT be vulnerable and courageous and sweet and learn what I need to learn with the sexiest gay man around Great Life in this room. I CANnot do it!"
"Yes. It will be difficult. But deal. This is not the point at which you leave."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....
FINE!
FUCK!!!!
(Did I say that yet???)
So I continued in the class, and I lived in every horrible moment about myself, and I left once the class was over. THAT was the point at which I was to leave, that I'd been guiding myself to this whole time.

So perfectly did every moment come up in that class that reminded me of my self-loathing. And I took myself to the wall every time, reminding myself that this is what I deserved. I DESERVE to let go of my lack, and my bitterness, and my anger, and my pity, and my impurities. This class was the refiner's fire for me. And I am so grateful for it.

Now, this post isn't some pitch for the class. I mean, if you find value in the words I've shared, and you haven't taken this training, or any of the trainings at The Great Life Foundation, then cool. I suggest you check 'em out, simply 'cause I've learned SOOOOO much about myself and what works for me and my life from completing the trainings there, but this is in no way supposed to be an ad, lol. My experience in this class best describes in a shorter manner what I have been feeling my whole life, in order to highlight the growth I have gone through and am about to explain.

I feel beautiful. I really feel that word.
Beautiful.
I can claim it.
And I have been pushing down that feeling for well over a decade now. I cannot actually remember a time where I've felt beautiful -- but I do right now. And it has staying power. It is IN ME. It is my spirit. I am a beautiful young man. And no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. Whatever someone may say is THEIR reality, and they let that dictate their life, their behaviors, actions and beliefs. And I am over here in my reality, and I can choose to let it dictate my life, behaviors, actions and beliefs. But I am no longer choosing that, because it hurts, and I now am aware of how intensely beautiful I am. I don't NEED to prolong their message. I don't NEED to feel ugly, stupid, impotent, useless, manipulative, unworthy, or untrustworthy. Because I am none of those things. They are all just stories others have told about me that I have bought in to. And THEN I even enrolled OTHERS into believing those stories about me too! How crazy! LOL.

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad...
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, Gotta be mean, Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Now, getting angry doesn't solve anything
How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?

--Mika
From the song "Grace Kelly" from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"

So, yeah, I now see and know this, and just in case you were wondering as well:
I am beautiful.
I am intensely intelligent.
I am intuitive. My spirit is one of the most high-functioning I've ever experienced.
I am generous. I care SO much about the welfare of others, in my community, in my life, and in my heart.
I am loving, and I am nurturing. I love to love people. I love to feel love from people. I love to exchange our spirits and our beauty and our warmth in an engaging manner, leaving the experience with the realization that we are both divine spirits.
I am funny. Oh my GOD, have I learned this one, recently and quickly! I always knew I had a talent for wit -n- quip, but I never believed myself to be hilarious, and DAMN, girl, I AM! I am always making people around me explode in laughter, and if not, I am ALWAYS laughing with myself!
I am full of passion, bursting and brimming with excitement for myself, and for life, and for serving others the best way I can!
I bring joy, peace, clarity, stability and serenity into people's lives.
I am courageous. I do things that most other people will not, because they are afraid to and they let the fear stop them, whereas I am afraid to and I don't let the fear stop me. I push through it with my courage.
I am inspiring. I really felt this one this morning -- about an hour ago. I live my life uncommonly, and in that way I inspire others to SURVIVE their lives instead of to give up. I inspire others to LIVE their lives in the moment. I inspire others to be grateful for what they have, who they are, and what they have been able to achieve in their lives. I inspire others to look past what their beliefs are, and see what they could be. I inspire others to see the future and make it reality.

I love me. Finally. Right now. Count on it. I love me. A lot. I can't even get over saying it! Haha! I. Love. Me.

Who's with me?? :D

The Beat Of My Heart

2010-07-27T23:51:00.001-06:00

I am feeling my heart tonight, and some of my soul, and it is a unique experience. I feel so charmed. I feel sexy and fun. I feel honest and vulnerable and honored. I feel inspired and awed and humbled. I feel red and magenta and dark pink, and I see those colors streaming into my heart at the speed of the Rail. I feel so connected, and so light while being so heavy, and beautiful and peaceful. I feel as deep as the Marianas Trench tonight. And all of these beautiful aspects of myself I am feeling because I am allowing myself to cautiously but benevolently connect with a man who I am so inspired by...someone who is, in my eyes, the most powerful man we will see in the coming decades.

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

--By Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the song "Music of the Night," from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack

Lately, I've just been incredibly shallowly attracted to men. Like, I wanted to fuck 'em, but in the end, I'd rather not even put forth the effort for them...but with him, it is crazy...I am practicing myself being true authentic Me, and I'm always succeeding. I feel beautiful around him.

I forgot how good it feels...I had closed myself off so hardcore before Alex (my ex-fiancee), and even more so after Alex. I couldn't feel true love. And now, having done Relationships training at Great Life, and having moved, and having begun claiming who I really TRULY am and want to be, I have really opened myself back up again...I've torn myself open, and it feels really cool to feel like this again!

[They] used to speak of an angel...
I used to dream he'd appear.
Now as I sing I can sense him
And I know he's here...

Here in this room, he calls me softly
Somewhere inside, hiding
Somehow I know he's always with me
He, the unseen genius

--By Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the song "Angel of Music," from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack

Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing my heart into yours, and yours into mine. I know how scary that can be, and, in fact, am experiencing that along with you. You are such a large piece of beauty in my life. I am blessed on a personal level to mingle in your energy. I am intensely grateful for you on a worldview level because I know you will bring about such immense change and progress to our nation and our world. I am excited to see the world welcome your beauty, grace, eloquence and generosity as honestly as I have.

Love, Peace and Kisses to everyone,

Apollo

On The Barbed Wire Fence

2010-07-27T14:24:00.000-06:00

Right now, even, I'm afraid to start this post because of my pride. Haha!
Perfect.

So, how does pride get in my way?

Well, I'm known in a certain circle of friends as someone who is powerful. SO, when I really feel like I should reach out to someone for assistance -- down ANY avenue -- I don't because I am afraid of what they will think. I don't want them to view me as weak.

At work, I don't ever want help in growing, I want to do it all on my own, because I don't want someone to see me as weak there, for fear of jeopardizing my job security, so I hold in all my frustrations, take them home with me and analyze them here on my own, and then go back the next day and take on the job again, with a new, self-clarified vision. Part of that is that I don't want to look stupid for needing help, and the other part of it is that I don't want to look stupid by trying someone's suggestion and not doing it correctly. If they've mastered it such that they can teach it to me, and I cannot pick it up on the first (or heaven forbid, second) attempt, then I am an utter fool and will never learn, and their judgment of me in that moment will prohibit me from ever moving up, or growing professionally in my career. Either way, they are both self-limiting beliefs, and both stem from fear of looking stupid. Because stupidity = weakness. And weakness = uselessness. And uselessness = lack of connection. And lack of connection = death.

Pride endures until you ask it not to. So let's start easy. How does living in pride work against you? I'm not saying we all live in it all the time. But even the most enlightened of us live in it in moments. Moments stack up to become a lifetime. What are you AFRAID of (for pride is just an overcompensation for fear) so much that you'd rather live in arrogance? So much that you'd rather live a life that is harder for you?

They took your life
But they could not take your pride.
--U2
"Pride (In The Name Of Love)" from the album "The Unforgettable Fire"

Do you need to be the one who is seen as the provider? The one who is successful in her/his career? Do you need to be seen as the most pious? As the best at following rules? Do you need to be seen as the most offbeat? The most musically inclined, or artistically talented being?

What gets in your way? Please share with us.

Seeing in RED: Eyes Wiped Clean

2010-07-26T21:09:00.002-06:00

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
--Nelson Mandela

How many of us are afraid of HIV/AIDS? Are you? Did you just contemplate closing your browser after reading that question? If so, I would wager that you are. If you kept it open, still inventory yourself. You may be afraid of it, but willing to learn more. That is what we need to do to relinquish any fear we have from the hold it loves to keep on us. We learn about it. We experience it. We live a life that includes it in some aspect of our being. Now, (obviously) I am not saying "Hey, let's all go out and get HIV, so we can have some compassion..." But how many of us are too scared of it to even include it somewhere in our lives?

I'm beginning by calling out myself.
I have been SO scared of even approaching the topic of HIV/AIDS ANYwhere in my life. I have judged those who have contracted HIV as whores, sluts, irresponsible men who have no idea how to take care of themselves, or have any compassion for anyone else, so why should I have compassion for them??? HOWEVER, what I see now is that I chose to live in that judgment because it was too scary, as an uneducated gay man, for me to be able to approach a positive individual and say "I love you." What an atrocity, for that would mean that I might be labeled as positive! I could never endure such judgment -- the very same judgment I was casting and expecting others to endure.

I continue by calling you out.
How much do you know about HIV? How much have you educated yourself? How often do you reach out to those who have HIV? How many excuses have you already thrown up in defense of yourself? Too often, we believe it is not OUR burden to bear. Well, TRUST, it is not a burden. It is a gift -- in my opinion -- to be able to see someone with such beautiful compassion and see them through eyes wiped clean.
How often do you pity someone you've learned has HIV? How often do you ask if someone is "clean" (implying that if they have HIV or AIDS, they are "dirty")? How often do those with HIV/AIDS keep it a secret? How ashamed are they that they have it? On the other hand, let's be accountable: How many times do we judge those who live with HIV, fostering an environment in which they feel ashamed to be who they really are?

These are the words of a friend who is gay, lives with HIV, and has lived in Salt Lake City:

"The Community in Salt Lake are the prime example of hypocrites. They want equality from a church, yet they don't accept people with HIV...the community is SO uninformed. I hated being known as someone created by a community and not for who I really am. So I dealt with the humiliation and segregation from those who I called my friends."

This is ONE person. I've spoken with another friend about HIV/AIDS -- a public force in our community -- and he feels similarly.

Tyler Helms, who created IMPACT Red, now writes a bi-weekly column in The Advocate, called "Living the Questions" about what it is like to do just that. This decade is the time of education -- positive members of society truly are living the questions such that the rest of us may choose to educate ourselves with the answers. This is enough for which to honor these positive heroes. Tyler writes:

"I was finding that society expected full disclosure, would hold you
accountable for any risk, but was virtually unprepared for the openness. But demanding honesty and integrity is hard to do in a society that encourages truth but would prefer not to know it. In a city....where you will be heckled for speaking out about a truth that impacts us all. It even gets the most vocal of us down.
"But those willing to embark on a relationship with someone positive seem rare. The majority of people I meet are more willing to donate than go on a date. Perhaps this is why so many keep their secret from those they love. In the days following my December 1 public disclosure, I received an unsettling number of notes from people who are positive but have told no one. I sadly understand why they don’t. The fear of being alone, being judged, or not finding love often makes disclosure too great a risk — a risk that still is prevalent in 2010. To think they keep this secret from loved ones, hookups, and in some cases long-term partners is shocking. It’s also dangerous to our society."

What do WE do to educate? About the facts, and about the emotion? What do we do to encourage debate, to instigate learning, to honor those who teach? What are we doing to further this epidemic? How are OUR choices impacting US as a whole? What is our perspective around those who live their days with HIV/AIDS? Would we -- really -- reach out to someone who becomes positive?

Because whether we are gay or straight, or positive or negative, the answers -- and the questions themselves -- involve us aligning as one bloc: loving, powerful, clear and COMMITTED.

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
'Cause you and me: competitive to the bone.
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured,
We are not all for one and one for all.
You and me have felt impotent in our skin,
You and me have taken it out on each other.
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come --
With how strong we've been!
You and me are on this pendulum together,
You and me, with scarcity still fueling,
You and me have made it harder for the other;
We forget how hard separatism has been.
You and me, we can help change their minds together (with)
You and me in alignment until the end.
--Alanis Morissette, from the song "Sister Blister"

The Flower and The Storm

2010-07-26T16:55:00.000-06:00

Re-reading the post I wrote yesterday, I noticed a pattern. When I write here, I write about things I want to complain about, and I don't really offer to myself a solution, I simply complain. SOOOO many past events made sense to me when I realized that! I've had people tell me they think I think badly about myself (time and time again), and I haven't really understood why they'd think that...I've had people tell me I'm a total victim, and I'm incredibly not that, so it hasn't ever made sense....my readership has dwindled some, and I couldn't understand why, as I have been writing pieces lately that I feel are more active and dynamic. And then I read yesterdays' post, and things started to click.

I rarely feel like a victim when I get on here to write. Being vulnerable right now, I write here because I don't feel like I have people in my life who will listen to me bitch, whereas my blog will :) Everyone always wants to be inspired...they say they'd love to hear from me, and hear how things are going, and then the moment the conversation takes a turn into a place of vulnerable freedom for me -- when I start relating to them as a human, with flaws -- they no longer want to hear what it is I have to say. They don't want to have to deal with what I've got going on. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the truth of my reality...and from where I sit, I honor it as a valid choice...I know there are a lot of times in my life when I'm like "Hey, I've got a LOT going on in my own life right now, and as much as I would absolutely love to take time to console you, or listen to you, or show you that I care, I just don't feel like I have bandwidth for that right now unfortunately." And it doesn't mean I DON'T care about them, because I do. So I'm willing to concede when people don't have time for me. Which is one reason I blog all my woes on here. My blog ALWAYS has bandwidth for me. (I hope you guys enjoyed that technical pun :)

Anyhow, I see that people could see my complaining as being a victim, when I never propose a solution. This same sort of thing has always plagued me in relationships (meaning, my boyfriends/fiancee, not just "being IN relationship" with someone...) and communication in general...I do this thing where I talk to someone as if they know the other half of what is going on in my head. Lol. I unconsciously suppose that they know the narrative, the score, and the backstory of each character and situation. And then when they are lost during our conversation, I am wondering what the hell their problem is that they can't follow general conversation. And it only gets worse, usually, when it is conversation about heightened topics....lol. But I don't want to sit there and be like "Now, are you following me?..." or "Am I explaining this properly for you?...." after every paragraph (or less), treating them like they are kindergartners or something...Not only is it condescending, but it is also really inefficient. Lol.
Sooooo, how that relates is I never end up sharing the solution I decided on....I bitch about what's going on in life on my blog, because it is here to listen and then I craft a solution (usually) in my head based on what I shared and I internalize that solution and move on with it, and then recalibrate later on my blog. Mechanical, yes, I know...and that's not even, like, something I consciously came up with...it's just how my soul naturally works...lol.
Also, I know that I am a creator. I've gotten in my way A LOT regarding what I want to create, and actually believing in my ability to do so, but I KNOW I am a creator...not a victim. I'm still practicing how to create for my best.

I have felt bad about myself -- a lot -- in the past. And right now, I am figuring myself out...I am figuring out what is best for me, and in me, and what I like and want and need. So I can't tell you honestly right now where I stand on how I feel about myself, 'cause I have a lot of things going on in my head right now that I get to process :) OOOH look! Something SHINY!! ;D

And lastly, if any of these are reasons that you're readership (or, more unfortunately, friendship) has scaled back, I have a few requests for you.
First, please make your voice heard. Life is so much easier (for all of us) when we shout out to each other how to get out of our boxes rather than expect one another to have X-ray vision and see the directions that are posted on the outside of them. Plus, that is what the point of blogging is! Lol. To create a vocal culture, free to express everything we want, without anyone getting in our way (i.e., the FCC...). So please, vote with your voice. :)
Second, stay tuned...don't let me go the way of the LA Times just because I'm sounding like a victim...begin a dialogue with me to FULLY understand my perspective, and stay tuned for changes and evolution. :)

Love you all.

And, yes, I notice the irony in this blog that I'm "complaining" without proposing a solution (well, a solution for ME at least...). I don't feel the need to right now, so I'm not going to. :)

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo
:)

One-Two-Step

2010-07-26T00:11:00.000-06:00

I get in my way, I step in front of myself in my path because I don't fully believe (yet) that I deserve to walk my path. That is only ever the impediment to my success. And I would wage that it is that simple for us all.

For instance, I went to the club the other day, met up with a friend, danced with him for a while and made out with him, and then afterward, I danced with and got to know his incredibly hot friend. At the end of the night, I was standing outside of the club with some friends, and I had two guys come up to me and hit on me and ask for my number and all that. Now, I'm not kidding you with this, this all happened, but the clincher of it all is that I chose to deny myself afterward instead of celebrate myself. I went looking HARDCORE for how I could prove that none of it ever happened. Seriously...'cause I wanted to prove to myself that no man that I find attractive, or of any quality, would actually be attracted to me.....and simply because that's what I've been used to telling myself over the last few years.

Second example: This weekend, I seriously considered moving back to Utah. I knew I didn't want to be in Utah, but I started second-guessing myself and stacking up an immense amount of negative thoughts against myself, and rationalized that going back to Utah was the mature thing to do, and that I could restart my life there, and be a big fish in a small pond instead of a small fish in a HUGE pond. Thankfully, Zeb Knudsen bitch-smacked me into realizing that I've been here, like a week or two or something (and I've been up in Utah or Vegas for like, 5 of those days even), and that I need to lighten up....I feel like a failure down here, as well I should, so I get that out of the way! :) And I feel rejuvenated after this weekend. I feel like I truly did get out of my way the "failure" concept and now I am ready to be a "creator" again (as GL terms it). I've known it was time for me to stop being victim to some shitty circumstances I had going on, and it took some tough-love from a friend to really push through it. So, Zeb, if you're reading this, thank you. You may not really know how much you impacted me in those approx ten minutes you took out of your day to chat with and care about me. Thank you.

"The search ends here where the night is totally clear, when you finally know that though you control where you go, you can't steer."
--Missy Higgins, from her song "Steer" on the album "On A Clear Night"

Funny By Request, Number One

2010-07-23T15:50:00.000-06:00

I have never been funny by request. I'm just naturally a hoot! :)
But today I asked for topics to write about, and a friend requested I write something funny for her...so here goes! BTW, it also classifies as a judgmental rant......lol.

I love visiting a site called failbook.com. It is a branch of failblog.com, and it showcases the stupidest of the stupid on Facebook, in order for smart people like me to feel a little bit better about ourselves when we may be down. I LOVE IT. So, I'm surfing it today, and I see this person's status that says:
"OMG I need to go back to 7th grade geography. I didn't know which continent the equator passes through."

Okay, kinda understandable...I mean, this person could be in their 40s, long removed from geography lessons, having had their brain smashed into oblivions by society's unnecessary "need" to fill office positions....HOWEVER, I resent her friends trying to make her feel better about it! When you say "Don't feel bad, I forgot we even had an equator!" then NOOOO, that is not license for her to not feel bad, it is simply pointing out that you are even stupider. But she should still feel bad. Lol. Maybe instead say, "Wow, we are both pretty big morons, 'cause I totally forgot we even had an equator! Hey, let's go read an atlas for the next half hour together and educate ourselves!" Then, you're moving forward...but, really? You choose "Hey, I'm even stupider!! YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!" that is a clear sign that our world truly is moving toward the state described in "Wall-E" and "Idiocracy".
Dear god, please save us.

"Glitter In The Air," by Pink

2010-07-23T00:13:00.000-06:00

"Glitter In The Air"

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

Jocks -n- Vaginas

2010-07-20T11:59:00.000-06:00

Last night, I was stressed, so I went out for a walk on The Walk of Fame. For those of you who don't know what the Walk of Fame is, look it up I'm not your fucking dictionary. Haha, just kidding! It is the place in Hollywood (along Hollywood Blvd) where celebrities receive a star on the sidewalk. If you still don't know what I'm talking about, you will have to go look it up because I have no idea how to better explain it, and you may just need a picture to refresh your memory lol.

So, anyhow, I went walking down it, and after a bit, I noticed that some celebrities had more than one star. What??? How is this possible?...Surely, the city would have a register of the stars they've given out and would know they've given out more than one to some people?!?!? Well, apparently this is not true, because after walking the WHOLE thing, I found a true WEALTH of celebs who had more than one star!

The following is the list, for your entertainment:

Kevin Costner (why does he even have ONE?!)
Harrison Ford
Eva Marie Saint (Um, who the hell is this person?? And especially that she has two!)
Lucille Ball (Okay, I'll give it to her, 'cause she's just so damn lovable!)
Gene Autry
Doris Day
Alfred Hitchcock (and deservedly so...)
Liberace! HAHAHA
Ted Knight
Red Skeleton
Bob Hope had FOUR. Not even joking you, the guy had FOURRRRRRRRRR. WHAT THE EFF!
Lou Costello had THREE, and I've never even heard of the dude! And the thing worth mentioning here is that I didn't see one for Elvis Costello, who definitely deserves one, yet this Lou dude had THREE! LOL
Vincent Price
Walt Disney
Bing Crosby

Now, the most disappointing one I came across was easy to pick. It had no competition. Paula Abdul. I'm not even lying, the bitch has one. Why? Because she PERFORMED (note, I did not say "sang"), like, 5 popular songs? Wow, go you, you 2-CD wonder! (Blehhhhhhh!) Next up was Renee Zellwegger. An actress best known for her amazing inability to act....

HAHAHAHA, oh, oh, also! When I was walking down the WoF, I was about to pass Britney Spears' star, and some drunk chick ran over to it with her boyfriend (or man of the night?) and she had a reeeeeally short, flowy dress on and I laughed SO hard (out loud!!) because with the way her body tilted initially, she looked like Britney in the picture where she's getting out of the car with no underwear on, and I pictured this drunk girl doing that on accident all stupidly over Britney's star and the whole street bein like "OH DEAR GOD!!" out of shock and disgust and it was one of the best moments of my life. Definitely the best vagina-moment of my life. Haha!

Now, I STILL cannot find Michael Jackson's star and it is driving me crazy! I walked the whole WoF except for, like, one block, so it must have been in that one block, but that is just so maddening that it is the one I am most excited to encounter and it is the one eluding me so well! And I haven't seen one for Madonna yet....so hers better be right next to Michael's or somethin, 'cause if Paula abDUL has one and Madonna doesn't, I'ma bitch-slap someone in the WoF offices.....

Now, on to the jocks side of this blog, one of my first days in CA, I walked past this sign, and it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen, so I had to share it with you!
"That's so 'jock who can complete a pass but not a sentence' -- think that's mean? How do you think 'that's so gay' sounds? Hurtful. So knock it off.
Thinkb4youspeak.com"
How great, right??? :D

Day Two of Utah-L.A. Move, Continued: The Heat Is On!

2010-07-18T00:26:00.000-06:00

So, I buy: chocolate milk (YUM! Haven't had in years!!), an old-fashioned-style blackberry soda, and a bottle of lemonade. I don't get any water because I think these three will hydrate me enough. So I slam the chocolate milk, and half to two-thirds of the CARBONATED blackberry soda in the desert heat, and then pull out of Chainsaw Market. By the time I get off of the on-ramp back onto I-15, my stomach is killing me...."What," I wonder, "could possibly be wrong with my stomach? The only thing I've really consumed is.....chocolate MILK on a blazing hot day AND 12 oz. of (minimally flavored) carbonated sugar water...it couldn't possibly be that, could it??" Haha! Now, I write that as if I had no idea, but I did....I just write it like that because I felt SOOO stupid for not foreseeing that this would happen. Let's mix an empty stomach, desert heats, milk, carbonation, sugar and dehydration. Bright mix, Apollo. Lol.

So the next town (same mini-market type of situation) is about a half hour away and I am plugging along the best I can with my circumstances. I feel like I'm about to puke AND pass out now (haha!) and luckily I make it to the next town and buy like 2 or 3 waters and chug 1.5 of 'em! My body gratefully soaks up the water and I am on my way again!

As I am driving into areas with real-life now, I have no map. And I am on the freeway. In Los Angeles. Yeah, one thing that I am illuminating about myself through writing these blogs is that I am possibly THE most ill-prepared traveler ever. HAHA. My whole life, I always thought you could take I-15 straight down to L.A. Turns out it actually goes straight to San Diego, which is a surprising distance away from L.A. (in my opinion). Luckily -- seriously, "by the grace of god" defined -- I happened to be exploring Google Maps out of minute curiosity the week before and I remember only that I was surprised to learn I can't take I-15 straight to L.A., and that I need to get onto another freeway somewhere after Barstow. I was in a hurry at the time, so I didn't memorize anything and told myself to come back and search again before I made the drive down. Yeah....if you didn't notice, in the last blog, I said I'd finish Day Two's blog the next day, and here it is, a day late (and that is only because I randomly came back to my blog and saw that I had made a promise about which I'd apparently forgot and felt a little bad so I was motivated to write this blog....therefore, AMPLE evidence that I am not the best at keeping my commitments to focus online. Lol.

So, I'm on the freeway, and I come to a choice: I can either go South to San Diego or West to Pasadena. Wait a minute. Where's my "South to Los Angeles" option??? Shit! Well, I don't want to keep going to San Diego, but I don't know if I'll come across another freeway that will take me away from SD.....so.....I choose to go to Pasadena and hope for the best! HAHA! So I'm pluggin along toward Pasadena, and another choice comes upon me....continue to Pasadena, or go toward....Los Angeles! Yea! This time it is in my favor! Lol. So of course I head toward L.A. and then I have a bit of a mental problem. There are two freeways here that are similarly numbered. The 110 and the 101. Which one is it that takes me into Hollywood? And which one is the devil's freeway?? I can't remember for the life of me! And I'm comin up on the exits for both....oh shit...how do I decide, how do I decide????
Well, thank god California Department of Transportation planned ahead for idiots like me. They nicknamed the 101 "Hollywood Freeway" and even went so far as to publish it on the last "exit now" sign! So I swerve into the exit lane right before it veers off the highway and head into Hollywood. Ahhhhhh, familiar territory....how I love thee....

I get into town (took the wrong exit and drove much longer than I needed to...) and pull up to my lovely place of residence. I jump out of my car, excited to lay my body down and walk up to the gate, where I must put in the code to get in. So, I put it in. And no loud, annoying, make-you-want-to-carve-your-eardrums-out-of-your-ears noise booms. What? So I put the code in again. Once again, no noise. HUH?? So I put it in again (because this makes lots of sense at this point). NO NOISE! What the fuck?!? So I call James (my roommate) and ask what's going on, and he goes into some story about them changing the codes and the codes not working and basically I'm pissed. So I get to sit outside of my own apartment like a panhandler waiting for someone to come who knows how to get in.

When I finally get inside, I lie down, James gets home and tells me I should go get a box-fan to put into my window. You are a genius, James, because it is blisteringly hot and I was too tired and dead to think of that myself! So I go get a box-fan (for $20...jealous that I can't buy the portable A/C units for $200.......) and come home and put it in my window. I turn my back on it to surf the net and ten minutes later I hear a BANG-CRASH (WTF??) and all of a sudden I no longer feel fanny-goodness. Once again, WTF?? Apparently, my fan was blasting so hard (huh?....) that it fell backward, broke my window screen and fell two stories onto the ground below. Oh, yea!! I am so excited at this point that I spent $20 for ten minutes of a working fan!! HAHAHA. So I begrudgingly go and collect my fan, assuming it's dead and trying to figure out what I can say to Home Depot to get them to give me a refund, and I bring it back upstairs and plug it in, and it works like it's still new! (Well, 'cause it is....but I mean, like it never fell two stories and smashed to the cement! Lol). So, luckily, I have, like, the mini-est side table ever in my room (like, I think the actual circumference is 10 inches.....) and I get the fan somewhat properly set on that so it works, it's halfway as cool as if I'd set the fan in the window sill, and makes the room bearable.

Once again, James being a genius, he comes into my room a couple days later and asks why my fan is not in my window, and I reply that it fell out onto the cement outside after ten minutes and I did not want to have to make that journey to collect it every ten minutes for the rest of the summer....So he asks "Well, did you close the window on it to hold it in?" No. I did not. Of course. And he puts it in the window, closes the window on the top of it to hold it in, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you...it has stayed there for 2 days now straight!
Two thumbs up for intellect!!

Day Two of Utah-L.A. Move: The Heat Is On!

2010-07-15T23:48:00.000-06:00

Utah to Las Vegas was LITERALLY a breeze -- it was decently chilled and not (much) profuse sweating...HOWEVER, L.V. to L.A. was absolute sunny HELL. Welcome to Death Valley, Ryan, next time buy a car with A/C! (That's right, my car has NO A/C...and for those who care, it is 100 degrees today in L.A. Guh!)

So, anyway, I am driving through Death Valley and the Mojave DESERT, so I had face sweat and hand sweat and arm pit sweat and back sweat (from bein' up against the seat the whole drive...) and knee pit sweat...I'm sweating in EVERY crevasse I have...use your imagination...

And there are like NO gas stations between L.V. and Barstow, Calif., I swear to go, and (no exaggeration) I am about to pass out from deydration, so I think "Hmm, okay, I think I'll pull over at the next city and buy some drinks." The next city isn't for another 45 minutes. I have RUN OUT of sweat at this point. I'm playing a guessing game with myself in my mind wondering what will be the liquid that my body chooses to push out of my pores next...Blood? Bile? Vomit? Amniotic Fluid? WHO KNOWS?? So I finally get to a side-of-the-dirt-road market and as I pull up a man walks out. This man looks like a hillbilly mixed with a bum mixed with a man who hasn't yet learned what the words "Shower," "Shave," and "No, god, please don't kill me, sir!" mean. Then, as I park, I notice in front of me a woman who looks like she is on a mixture of Crack-Cocaine and Multiple Personalities Disorder. As hot and dying as I was, I STILL sat in my car for a minute and hesitated...I mean, it looked exACTly like the set from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I didn't really want to die. But, I figured whether I died from a chainsaw or from dehydration, I'd be dying either way, and at least the Chainsaw way, I'd be able to check something off my Bucket List (yes, I've seriously always wanted to be in a real-life horror movie, specifically Texas Chainsaw Massacre...).

So I ventured into the shop (keeping my eyes peeled for anything suspicious) and wound my way to the cold beverages and went to purchase them.....the dude there was so nice and friendly and helpful (he was a TOTAL hippie! LOVED IT!), I ended up actually giving him a dollar tip! I'm sure he will use that to buy a new chainsaw, HOWEVER, I GOT OUT OF THERE ALIVE. That's the important thing. Lol.

Part Two to be published tomorrow...

Day One of Utah-L.A. Move: Don't Turn Around!

2010-07-15T16:51:00.000-06:00

Today as I was driving down to Vegas, I got to Manti and my stomach felt incredibly sick. I couldn’t decide what it was: that I was homesick already, or because I had driven past such a densely Mormon city (haha, bad joke, I know, whatever, lol).

All kidding aside, I knew there was something going on inside of me -- something that I didn't necessarily want to congront. Because I could tell I didn't want to confront it, I knew that I had to. I immediately picked up the phone and texted Sarah Brown. I told her I wanted to puss out and turn around and it was taking every piece of my fortitude to continue driving South. She coached me around selling out and being in hype and being one with what is, and challenged me to coach myself. That was the key. So many of my friends would simple console (which, by the way, I am grateful for). So many of my friends would simply provide me with bitter feedback (which I am also grateful for, to an extent). The key to my forward movement in my discourse with Sarah is that after she did both of those things, she finished by challenging me to coach myself.

Because of that, I identified for myself that I really wanted to keep going to L.A., I was just scared of the unknown. I was scared of being (virtually, though not wholly) on my own in a new city and I was scared of not being able to take care of (and HELP -- thank you, Sarah's Feedback) my mom and other loved ones in Salt Lake. And I identified that if all of that is REALLY (TRULY) important to me, I will create: I will attract to me the money that is necessary to visit my loved ones whenever I want (or feel the need), and am also right now becoming aware that I can still nurture my relationships via telecommunication (thank god for Facebook and Skype!)

So I finished out my day of driving with a stop in Las Vegas to visit the beautiful one and only Karli Markovitz! I got to relax there and chat (unfortunately briefly) with my Vegas-Love and then headed out to L.A. the next morning as she headed off to work...

Day One, Continued (And Day Two): Lost In TransL.A.tion

2010-07-08T14:02:00.001-06:00

So, I don't die. Just in case you didn't solve that riddle. Lol.

I am still walking on this "street" that is more like I-15 than a street...and it is now time for our Conference Call as coaches...So I get on the call and mute it for their benefit and participate and it's pretty decent and all the while, people are honking at me, as if I don't know they are rushing by behind me about to kill me, and like I'm completely impeding their ability to drive OVER the speed limit by walking basically in bushes. Sigh....
After the call ends, I finally find an off-ramp and feverishly head up it, not knowing or caring where I am, just that I am off death-street. Lol.

At this point, I'm lost, starving and it's starting to get dark. I text my friend James Ord who lives down here and ask him for advice and he points me in a decent direction. Soon enough I am getting over-priced food and barely sating my appetite. Lol. I am hella tired and just want to catch a bus back to where I'm staying and have no idea where to go. So I ask my server and he points me in a direction. He is incredibly vague, but I think to myself "Eh, I got this, how hard can it be to find my way home?" WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL BEING SO OPTIMISTIC??? LOL! So I start walking, and am a little lost and I decide to go back and ask for the directions again because I do NOT want to get stuck on another street like La Cienega again! Lol. So I ask two more times, and he just repeats the same vague directions. Thank god at that point his supervisor steps into the conversation and is much clearer. So I head toward the bus stop and some random black chick starts talking to me. She is very cool, and really sweet and talkative and we will really click. At this point, I wanna cling on to any hope I may have, and am violently debating in my head whether or not it would seem too creepy to ask her for her number so I can stay in contact with her, and by the time I decide I will, she gets off at her stop. Cool- Lesson learned: Don't wait, or life will pass me by. (Just FYI, I learned this lesson several more times over the course of my stay, so I think it's safe to say, I didn't ACTUALLY learn it that night with the black chick. Lol)

I finally get back to the place I'm staying, and the guy is creepy as ALL get out....he wants to fuck, and massage me (which that one, I'm actually not too against after my retardedly long day lol), and......that's right, people....HE HAD BED BUGS OOHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD!!
WHAT???
How could the situation with dude get any worse??? Oh, yeah, let's throw some bed bugs into the mix! Why not?!? GUH!
So I kinda scream and he's like "What??" and I'm like "Dude, you have BED BUGS!" And he goes on to ferociously debate it, all the while pulling out this HUGE container of bed bug spray and starts spraying all around and on the bed. Um, I'm sorry, sir, but how are you going to debate the validity of your bed bugs and then pull out a HUGE FUCKING CONTAINER of bug spray that in HUGE letters says that it is specifically designed for BED BUGS. Nothing else, JUST BED BUGS.???!!!??!?!?!?!? WHAAAATTTT????? Yeah, so eff him!

I had spotted that there was a mattress on the floor of his living room just chilling there so I said "Well, I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but would you mind if I just slept on the mattress out there?..." thinking to myself: Even if you DO mind, I'm sleeping on that fucking mattress. Why didn't you offer it to me in the first place???"

So he tries to weasle his way out, and I'm just like "Yeah, I don't mean to disrespect you at all, but I'm sleeping out there. Good night!"

OH MY GOD, RIGHT???

So, it's freezing all night. I've got no blanket with me, 'cause I assumed I'd be sleeping somewhere nicer...with less bugs and more blankets....but I'm not, so alright, I'll make the best of what I've got...I toss and turn all night and I finally get up and text James (who I was going to stay with after my stay at bedbug-mansion had ended) and asked him to please let me stay with him a couple days earlier so I could get the hell out of this place. THANK YOU, JAMES, FOR LETTING ME STAY WITH YOU A COUPLE DAYS EARLIER!!

So that afternoon, I go out on another venture into the city, for 6 more hours, walking everywhere...only this time, I created more pain for myself -- literally. I thought, "Well, I'll go out dressed up a bit, like, business casual type of clothes, so that when I go into prospective employers, I will look better than in my board shorts or cut-offs. So in this dress-nice-decision, I choose to wear my brown dress shoes. Yeah, let's just cut to the chase and say that they are not meant, whatsoever, to wear for more than maybe an hour's worth of walking. Period.

So after all my blister-creating-dress-shoe-walking comes to an end, I am in Hollywood, and it's getting dark. I'm on Santa Monica Blvd, thinking, "Well, Sheryl Crow sang about this street, so I'm sure it's one of the most used streets in Hollywood, so I'm sure a bus will come down this street pretty frequently" so I start walking toward my destination along SMB, so I'm not wasting time just sitting around. Oh my god, I see TONSSSSS of buses! Just none going my way. Oh, wait, yeah, I DID see several heading my way. You know, all the ones that said "Not In Service."

So I continue plodding along, and get into West Hollywood. Still no buses. Well, whatever, I'll just keep walking. Soon, my feet are literally killing me. They are sliced up into tiny little fragments of blisterization and hurt like hell to walk on. But at this point, seeing all the buses saying "Not In Service," I think I'm going to have to walk all the way home, so I might as well just keep walking. I mean, I'm puzzled as to why it's 9:00 and all the buses are already going back to their hub, but whatever, L.A. has been nothing like I expected at this point, so why not believe that their bus system ends at 9 PM? People everywhere do say how bad their transit system sucks. So I sigh (heavily) and continue walking. And walking. And walking. And now I cross into Beverly Hills. Always the optimistic sucker (lol), I think "Well, at least I'm in the pretty neighborhood now, and maybe I'll at least see Katherine Heigl or someone jogging past me." The trouble with BH is, well, four-fold:

First: the regular, PAVED sidewalk turns into a nice dirt pathway. It's beautiful, if it weren't for the fact that I'd been walking on blisters all day, and pretty much mashed down any sole that was left on my shoes, so I could actually feel every ROCK and aberrantly patterned grain of dirt on the path.

Second: they don't find it wise to have any ramps on their curbs at the intersections, so I have to muster every piece of un-maxed-out muscle left in my thighs (which is like, maybe .2% at this point) just to step down the curb at the intersection and then step back up on the other side.

Third: I don't see anyone remotely famous or beautiful along this pathway. Fuck Katherine Heigl. Lol.

Fourth: There are ABSOLUTELY NO bus stops along SMB once you get into BH. NONE! And it stretches forever -- using Utah as an example, just the pretty, non-bussy BH part of SMB would stretch from about 1300 S. to 2700 S.

So I think "I need to stop being optimistic and believing I can walk the rest of this like Jesus did on water and just turn back now." So I stop. And I debate. Should I give up? No, I don't give up! But, Ryan, look at the facts... No! I've ben optimistic this far along and haven't died (yet), what should stop me from continuing to be optimistic?? Ryan, look at the fucking facts. Guh, fine, I give in, I'll turn around! So I turn around. And I make it back to the edge of BH and West Hollywood (abbreviated WeHo). I sit down on the curb and start crying.
No, I didn't really start crying, it just felt like the right way to start wrapping this story up. Haha.

OMG, ALL I DO IS WRITE MOVIES IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME NOW LOL.

Anyhow, I sit down on the curb and think about crying. Lol. (Seriously) Instead, I just lay down on the grass, and go over my day. I mean, other than the blisters (that are actually STILL healing as I write this.....), the day wasn't TOO bad. And I'm sure it wasn't worse than a Mormon missionary's. So life can't be too bad if my day isn't as bad as theirs, doing what they choose to do for two full years. So I sit up, text James and ask him to do me the favor of just picking me up where I'm at, take me to bed-bug-mansion to get my stuff, and bring me back to his place, and he does.

I get home....and I think I ate? I don't know, I can't remember...If not, I must've been WAY too tired, 'cause I know my body was fiending.
Sleep could not have come soon enough.

Day One: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2010-07-02T12:01:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I've only been here 3 days...I feel like it's already been a week!

THE FIRST DAY:
I landed (obviously lol). After collecting my bags, I called the guy with whom I'd be staying for the first couple of nights to get an address and ask if he could pick me up so I wouldn't have to find a way to lug my 3 bags and pillow all the way from LAX to Culver City...
Oh, by the way, here's a map link, in case you wanna follow my specific traveling. I don't know exactly if this will work, but if not, just go to Google Maps, type in "Los Angeles, CA" and center on the western side of LA where you will find Culver City, West Hollywood, Hollywood, Beverly Hills and LAX. Those are the only places to which I'll be traveling and thereby mentioning.
MAP!

So, I get a hold of the guy, and he's incredibly jaded (and possibly a little mentally ill?) and won't pick me up unless I pay him $50. Nice. Thank you, Capitalist Training 101. I have $240 with me for the whole 10 days, so I'm not about to blow fifty of it on a simple car ride. So, I walk outside after he chats my ear off and I come across a man who is dressed as if he works at the airport and says "You need directions to where you're going?" and I think "Oh God: thank you, you really do love me, you've directed me straight to someone who can assist me in finding my way around the city!" So I ask dude how to get to Sepulveda and Venice Blvds, and he says lost of stuff that I can't understand, and I think "OL, minus one point, God, because you gave me a slightly retarded (or homeless?) airport worker."

So after fishing out what exactly his words meant, I am still in mystery and am hoping that grace and intuition will put together his words and my circumstances in the most beneficial manner. So I start to leave with this hope in my heart and he turns and says "Now, maybe you can do something for me" and starts to tell me all about The Salvation Army or homeless youth or something charitable like that that I didn't pay attention to because I was still trying to record to my brain his previously mangled directions. And I think "Well, he told me how to take the bus all the way to Culver City for only $1. So I might as well give him a couple bucks, 'cause I'd be paying $20 for a taxi otherwise." So I do. And then I leave and find whatever bus I'm supposed to get on.

So. I get on the bus after a couple of chance mistakes, and I find my way to the apt in Culver. As I'm walking up to where I think it is at, I marvel at the beauty and cleanliness of the apt building. Then I randomly look up to my right and see the address I am looking for is actually on the building right before it -- MY address is placed on the dirty, creepy looking one. And NO JOKE, I stopped walking and looked over to the beautiful one, and then looked back up at the 2-foot address numbers staring me in the face and looked back over at the beautiful one like a puppy missing his master...and I almost continued to walk over to the beautiful complex anyhow, like I was in denial: "NO, THIS IS NOT WHERE I'M STAYING! I GET TO STAY AT THE BEAUTIFUL ONE, DAMN IT!!!" ran through my head and my body followed suit until I came back to consciousness and reluctantly turned 90 degrees to suspiciously enter the gross apt complex.

At this point, I've been traveling all afternoon, and I just wanna get my huge, heavy baggage into his place, and I look ahead of me and there's a humongous stairway to climb to 2 of the 5 apartments I see. Naturally, odds are in my favor that his apt is NOT one of the two up the stairs. So I search and search and search for the number 5 next to the doors of the apartments on the bottom. And when I can't find that this is the case, I sigh and start lugging my shit up the stairs.

So I get in, minimally set up my stuff, and meet him. And he is even more crazy and creepy in real life than over the phone. I am filled with sadness and regret. Lol. I meet a nice, VERY CUTE Polish guy that's staying there also, and I strike up some conversation before we leave in our own directions, and it reminds me of my time in Iceland and I'm in heaven momentarily. Then he says "Well, I gotta leave so I can make sure I get to Santa Monica in time" and I say "Oh, yeah, have fun!" and think "No, don't leave me alone here!!!" HAHAHA. So I decide "I'm gonna go out and search for jobs and get away from this creep-loaded area." At this point, I have not looked at any map of the city, FYI. Spoiler alert! Lesson learned: study a map of a new city before you venture into it.

I leave the house at about 2pm, and I know I have my Great Life conference call with my fellow coaches at 6:45pm. Oh, how easy! I should be able to get down to Hollywood, check out some jobs, and get back to my place so I can charge my dying phone by then, no problem! (Sarcastic spoiler alert right there...lol). So, I start walking the way I came by bus from LAX because I am under the impression that LAX is toward the center of the city, that Culver is North of LAX and that Hollywood and West Hollywood are South of LAX. This is the point at which it would have been AMAZING if I had a map -- and where I encourage you to look one up to follow me along my (fun?) adventure....

As I'm walking along Sepulveda Blvd for about an hour and a half, I start thinking "Why does everything here look so gangster, and very un-Hollywood-like?" I pass a sign from which I gleam that I am in Los Angeles proper, and think "Oh, okay, so I can't be too far from Hollywood now." Now, I've been walking for an hour and a half, and think "Okay, I've got basically no idea where I'm at, and I now have approx 3 hours to get to Hollywood and back before my call starts...maybe I should ask for directions..." so I go into a gas station and ask the desk clerk how I get to West Hollywood. He of course doesn't know (I say "of course" because SOMEHOW NONE of the gas station workers seem to know where anything is in LA, including themselves...), but thank GOD, the lady buying goods knows everything about the LA county map, lol. So she draws me a diagram in the air and basically tells me "You're almost to LAX now...which is not where you want to be" -- (GREEEEEAAATT....) -- "and you're still in Culver City, not in LA proper" -- (WHAT??? How is one dingy city so fucking big???) -- "and that it's only about twenty minutes to WeHo if I take Slauson [the street I was on at that point] to La Cienega North and then when that street splits into La Cienega and Fairfax, right after Jefferson, I continue on Fairfax and I'll be taken straight into WeHo." "AWESOME," I say. "Thank you so much for your assistance!" Twenty minutes, with all those directions, sounds a little short, but then again, I have the mindset that the LA area is not sprawling at all. Yeah, all I can say is hindsight is 20/20.

So, I'm walkin' down Slauson, groovin' to my iPod, excited that I only have 20 minutes to WeHo, so I'll for sure make it back in time to charge my phone and ascertain the conference call number and access code I'll need. As I approach La Cienega, I notice it looks kinda like an aqueduct, I think they're called?...the thing that the "good guys" and the bad guys" raced the cars through in Grease...it looks like one of those that was refurbished into a freeway system. And it doesn't seem to have much sidewalk. But why would this lady recommend that I walk down a street that has no sidewalks?? SHE can't be crazy too, she seemed so normal! And then I remember: "It'll only take twenty minutes if you follow these directions" and it's been about 10 and I'm just barely turning onto La Cienega. So, naturally, I ignore my intuition that says "Hey, you retard, she was under the impression that you were driving and not walking!!" and my optimistic Ryan thinks "Yeah, but I'm sure there's a sidewalk somewhere on this road. I mean, it is a road, after all." So with that, I groove myself down the on-ramp onto the street...disregarding that I'm walking down an ON-RAMP, meaning it's probably a fucking freeway...
And I plug on.

All of a sudden the shoulder ends...and the sides are covered by bushes...leaving my only option as walking on the very side of the lane, hugging the bushes...so I don't get killed by 60-mph drivers. I walk, and walk, and walk, still optimistically under the impression that this road will come to an end soon. And it doesn't. So at this point, it's like, 430 or 5, and I think "I am fucked. Please give me a long enough charge on my phone to hold for the entire conference call. And please let me get off this long freeway soon enough...and please don't let me die here while I'm trying to accomplish those other two things..."

TO BE CONTINUED...

I'm On The Edge Of Seventeen

2010-06-25T01:31:00.000-06:00

"The sea changes colors, but the sea does not change."

Tonight, I was driving home up the canyon and within the span of one song, this is what I noticed about me:

My lack of patience is because I want approval RIGHT NOW, so I don't feel like I'm doing things wrong. I noticed I am very patient when it comes to answering someone...I will be with something for however long I need to in order to give the exact answer I want, yet when I ask someone something, I expect them to answer right away. And I get REALLY annoyed at them if they don't...and then I start to actually get angry...I role-played in my mind, and realized that if someone took as long to answer me as I do many times, then I would think they were ignoring me, or that what I asked wasn't important enough to them to warrant an answer, and I would get PISSED OFF. So that is how I came to that conclusion about my need for approval. And it carries over to many other aspects of my being....work/projects, spending, etc...

Spending: I spend my money any time I have it on impractical things because I raised myself within a celebrity framework...I've always known I am destined to be rich and famous, so I currently spend as if I already am -- as if I have royalty payments rolling in from radio stations...as if I have back-end profits to movies that I made whose checks will be sliding past my accountant's desk any day now (I'm sure you get the picture) -- meanwhile I am broke off my ass and then when I get some money, I spend it like I'm a Chamillionaire. :) I spend it on things that I feel will make me feel cool so I can get some more outside approval, instead of practical things that will sustain my ability to live a life of happiness, peace and love...for instance, I'll go out and buy an iPod, or some new sexy pants, or another blingin' belt, instead of buying food. I'm not lying about this, people. I will almost always spend money on clothes before I will spend it on food.

The power in seeing this (in AWARENESS) is that I can choose to change those beliefs. I get to get rid of these beliefs that living in poverty and malnutrition but having cool pants means that I AM COOL. No, Ryan, that just means you are a fancy-pantsed Ethiopian. It's time to evolve those beliefs to: saving money and living healthily is cool and will earn me more approval from others than being poor and unhealthy. One day, I will hopefully not even feel the need for approval from others, but we'll start basic for now. :)

Another thing I noticed in the span of this song was that I feel like me becoming fit and healthy and trim means I am betraying myself. I really feel like if I transition to a healthy lifestyle that I am leaving myself behind. Yes, I now realize how incredibly backward all these beliefs are...Anyhow, I feel like because I'm choosing to get fit, I am betraying myself for somebody else I want more (i.e., skinny me vs. fat me), for approval and for happiness. This is one that is honestly difficult for me to see past. I have lived almost 14 of my 24 years now thinking that I am fat and ugly, and even longer believing I am physically inept, so I truly am leaving a part of me in the dust by choosing to create myself to be physically adept, and to feel (and be) beautiful on the outside. I could use some coaching around this.

And the last thing I noticed and decided was that my attitude toward exercise has always been one of fatigue and exhaustion. Well, giving it that energy, begets a lack of energy on my part! Instead, I realized I can now view it as an adrenaline rush, because that's something it gives me, and I will be motivated to actually complete it that way, because adrenaline is a MAJOR factor in every decision I make :)

That is the end tonight. I love you. 'Night.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Cherishing Another Is Bliss

2010-06-22T13:48:00.001-06:00

Okay, I got this posted on my Facebook wall today and was just flabergasted:

Thinking about you this morning, I want you to know that i fully support you in what your choosing to do, idk much about the decision to move and thats probably why i put out the selfish part that i have. And both are true, yes i am selfish and do want you to stay for me ;) and yes i do want you to move and make that choice for you. I am excited to know more about it and also to see the results that you create with the change that your making. Living in L.A. Is only a challange of distance and the friendship that is established between the two of us is easily large enough to cover that distance. Love you.

The person who posted it is someone who I hold incredibly dear to me, and I know he loves me, but I've never known if he holds me dear to him (there is a difference, if you ask me), and reading this post, I now know he does.

It feels so amazing to feel cherished by someone :) If you've never felt that way, I suggest you make a habit of cultivating relationships such that you can experience it. 'Cause, seriously, it's amazing....I'd forgotten what it felt like for someone to express to me that they respect me, love me, and think so highly of me and our relationship, that I had begun to think it didn't matter anymore or that anything could replace that cherished-feeling, and experiencing it again this morning just showed me "WOW, that is SO not true."

Pure love is one of the most blissful feelings a spirit can feel. May we all constantly feel it and connect in all our relationships in such a manner...All we need to do is sweep to the curb our agendas, biases and judgments...and why not, knowing what we can give to someone else...knowing we can give them this amazing bliss? Thank you, Garrett, for the experience and for reminding me how people deserve to be treated :) I love you, buddy!!

Rant and Accountability RE: the Jesus Myth

2010-06-14T15:35:00.000-06:00

WOW. I just leaned over to a friend and said "I'm trying to disprove someone's faith in Jesus" and she was completely shocked and said "WHAT??? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT???" and I sit here in utter shock. You mean that religious people can proselytize all day around atheists and agnostics and try to convert them -- disproving someone's faith in doubt -- and it's okay (and even accepted/assumed), yet I cannot do the same (with, in my mind, a valid reason) without an emotionally vehement reaction? Interesting.

I am not offended by her, mad at her, or anything negative toward her. I love and respect her. I am simply astounded by the hypocrisy that is evidently so natural in religious people. I mean, she's not a loud-talker regarding religion...she's not someone who tries to convert people all the time, and she had that reaction...think of how those who do act that way might react!

I love the experience though, because it assists me in seeing the other side...the other point of view...when it comes to me wanting to enroll people into Great Life. My sister who hates herself (well, both fall into this category, but one hates herself more than the other-- and that's the one to whom I'm referring) does almost everything in her life to bring other people down because of her own self-hatred, and she especially goes campaigning extra hard when she finds something of value (especially emotional value) to someone. As such, she was always dogging on GLF, with literally no reason...she would simply tie it in to anything I said just to try and hurt me to temporarily feel better about herself. It just drove me crazy because I couldn't understand why someone who knew the immense value I place on GLF (or whether or not she had absorbed the info, had at least had heard it/been exposed to it) would purposely, irrationally try and hurt me with it.

And I still don't understand it, but three things learned from this conversation with myself:
1. I don't need to understand, whereas I always used to think I did, because understanding things does not make them better, or make me happier...it simply provides me with trivial means to rationalize away the hurt/pain.
2. I've seen the other side now, and can come from a more compassionate place when feeling like I'm being attacked.
3. That even if people attack me, I choose whether or not to feel hurt/offended and thusly retaliate.

Like Butter

2010-06-08T01:18:00.000-06:00

I am really feeling the truth behind what a friend of mine said to me tonight: "It is really difficult being the ones who get to spread the light." This world is so full of people who want to destroy life, crabs who want to pull down the others who are escaping the box. I really felt that tonight as my sister insulted and berated me. I made the comment that I was sick of how completely ungrateful for everything my family was, and that unleashed within her every judgment she held against me and my life. Then came the chorus: my other sister, my mom and my aunt joined in on the brutal harassment. I felt simultaneously absolutely astonished and extinguished.

I know I'm not perfect, and I know I never will be, and I also know that I am truly a spreader of light. Whether or not I like it, that is my mission on this planet. I can do that through many mechanics: homosexuality, dance, music, fashion, volunteerism, film, celebrity, sports, health and coaching to name a few on which I am gaining more and more clarity every day.

It is difficult for ME to be a spreader of light for two reasons: I've never had the example set for me so it is completely new to me, and because I currently don't have many examples to which I can look either...I am learning it almost wholly on my own (though not alone). I get to learn a completely foreign concept and way of being AND learn to learn AND manifest simultaneously. Bring them closer together, and I will create and manifest and enjoy my success...

A Week of Shenanigans

2010-06-02T23:48:00.000-06:00

This weekend and week have been crazy so far!!

I went on a surprise trip to Vegas with my sister to visit with a friend, and had an amazing time. However, that gave me only about 6 hours to pack up and clean my whole apartment to move out....So I just stayed an extra day and packed it all up. From 8 am until 6 pm, I was cleaning and packing in a total FRENZY! Thankfully, a friend came over and cleaned most of my apartment for me, which REALLY helped out. But I had so much to do and so much to coordinate, it was at times a tidbit overwhelming. But just a tidbit, not too much... Then I went to Great Life to continue in my duties there, trying to be in two places at one time there, and was there for about 3 or 4 hours, at which point I got to come home and continue to pack my stuff up and move some of it to storage....I was doing this until about 4 in the morning this morning and I crashed on my mom's couch after Facebooking for a couple minutes. I woke up this morning at around 11 and relaxed a little at my mom's house and then I began lugging all my storage items to their appropriate places and then packed the rest of my stuff up back into my car and raced up to Park City, where I will be living for the next couple of months 'til I head out to L.A. Whew! It is succccchhhh a relief to be done with all that crazy moving mess!

The speed of my life the last few days has been intense, and I love the feeling -- a LOT. I want my life to continue at this speed for a while...just not as much heavy lifting, ha! Aaaaaand it looks like it will be....

I made sure I got something out tonight on my blog so hopefully you are satisfied, since I will be completely busy this weekend as well. I am staffing Founders on Thursday and then coaching Part Three, so I will be in the room from 8am until approximately 11pm and on a ropes course on Saturday from about 7am 'til about 8pm, at which point I will be zooming over to my cousin's high school graduation party. And I swear to god I had something planned on Sunday, but I just can't remember what...Then on Monday, I get to go over to my mom's to better sort through and organize the stuff I am storing there, and I'll probably do a little yard work for her, too.

I want to have time to create some new music and some new dress designs, but I will be so tired this weekend from staffing, I'm sure, that I really don't want to force it in. Lol. (That ain't the first time I've used that phrase!.....) :)

Sigh....it really feels good to sleep on a bed again, and have time to just relax my body and my brain a little bit. My brain is still going at 100mph, if you can't tell....I feel like there is something my brain wants to get out in writing here, but it isn't saying anything....Lol. Maybe I just feel that way 'cause my brain is still buzzing around from all the craziness. Anyhow, I love you all.

Live your life the way you want it lived. It is the only allotment of time you can be 100% certain that you are guaranteed.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

I am moving, so I am SELLING!

2010-05-28T22:30:00.000-06:00

Please buy, and if you don't want to buy, then please pass the word on.

I've posted everything on Craigslist, and I've assembled all the Craigslist sites here for your referring convenience:

http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764969027.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764972539.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764975035.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764976525.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764979608.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764982392.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764984444.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1764990956.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/art/1765000571.html

Lost of art, antiques and small items. I get to create as much money as possible within the next month so I can move, so please support me with this :) Thank you!

One-Third Imperfection

2010-05-28T13:05:00.000-06:00

I am afraid of people’s judgments. I have always known that I can be whatever I want to be, and I can do whatever I want to do, literally, ANYthing. I can pretty easily master anything as long as I put some effort into it. And I’ve forgotten that for a while. I’ve let my fear of how people will judge me get in my way of being truly who I am, and who I deserve to let the world see.

In my mind, I was absolutely perfect until I was 18. Yes, I know I’ve made mistakes, especially during my teen years, but I’d never viewed myself as a failure, or having failed. Then I turned 18, I realized I was gay, came out and I felt the weight of all my failures fall on top of me. I made a conscious choice to be a more authentic me and I felt crash on me all the blows to my perfection that I had longed pushed aside. At least, this is my theory. All I know is that at age 18, I started hating myself and believing myself to be one giant failure, and that coincides with the age I went to college and the age I came out.

I’ve wasted the last seven and a half years (one-third) of my life wallowing in my failures one at a time, accumulating interest as I went, and by this I have suffocated myself. I can very well coach others to break out of what they let suffocate them, and am just barely recognizing this about myself. To me that is ironic. An ironic blessing, I guess.

Tonight, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel like the bag is off my head, just that I’ve loosened my grip on it. I do not now feel like I am perfect in the manner I did before, but I know that I love myself, and I feel like I am able to make some headway on the last seven and a half years of my life. I can’t relive them, and I can’t change them, but I CAN change the route down which I am driving. I can change the little voices that are whispering to me from ones of judgment, guilt, lies, hatred and fear to ones of love, self-promotion, encouragement and truth.

So that’s where I’m going to start. Please join me along this journey.

I love you.

Ry

How Are You Doing?

2010-05-18T14:44:00.000-06:00

Right now I am battling with my self-worth.

*I had a threesome last night and totally proved my sexual prowess to myself again, reaffirming it after a LONG absence. On the other hand, I want one of the guys that was involved to be intensely attracted to me because I am attracted to him and I've tied up my worth in how much someone to whom I am attracted is attracted to me.

*My heart is fighting to retain my worth, and the battle is only going on because my head has collected experiences that want to barricade my from hurt by prepping me with the memories and saying, "Look, you're not worth anything, so don't get your hopes up." My head truly has the best intentions; it doesn't realize that when it says that, it hurts me.

*I love me. I truly do. I think I am beautiful, I think my pudge is cute, and my body hair is actually quite sexy :) I have amazing social skills, I am the life and center of the party, I motivate people to have fun, I understand business navigation, I know how to take risks and I know how to live life! I am quite incredible! :)

*I am not the best friend in the world right now. I still treat people like robots, like they are less than, and like they should bend to my will. But that doesn't AT ALL make me a bad person. It just means I have some loving and learning to do. :) What a brilliant way to look at it, Ryan: I get to practice loving people! How awesome :)

*One big reason I get so stuck in my battle for self-worth is EXPECTATIONS. My expectations for others really blocks people from trusting me and feeling valued by me, which all people want. Also, my expectations for myself get in my way of building relationships because I get scared that I won't be good enough and I get stuck in the fear. However, there is a beautiful, inspiring Greatness that casts that Shadow: my expectations for myself and others is what inspires us to dream big and achieve things we previously thought were impossible. Then we can be proud of ourselves for accomplishing said item and thereby increase our self-worth. It's all about delivery. When delivered through judgment or fear, I get in the way. When I state something grounded in belief, love and hope, I inspire.

Cheers to practice! :)

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Greatness/Shadow

2010-05-09T22:05:00.000-06:00

K, so this weekend, I learned something great about myself. I have no self worth when I choose to not have it, and I have a lot of self-worth when I choose to have it. Additionally, I realized why I would want to choose to have self-worth.

For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.

So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)

I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!

So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.

So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.

So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.

I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.

That is all for now.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

If _ Then _?

2010-05-05T11:38:00.000-06:00

I was reading a Yahoo! article today about words that will sink your career and found an interesting one: IF. I don't say many of the other words or terms listed, but as I read the author's reasoning for including this one, I couldn't help but figuratively bow my head in shame for committing this cardinal sin. And it was nice to notice, because I got to see another piece to my lack-of-motivation-puzzle. Read on:

"If"
Projects depend on everyone doing his or her part. People who use "if" are usually playing the blame game and betting against themselves. They like to set conditions, rather than assuming a successful outcome. People who rely on conditional responses are fortifying themselves against potential failure. They will say, "If Bob finishes his part, then I can do my part." They're laying the groundwork for a "no fault" excuse and for not finishing their work.

There are always alternatives, other routes, and ways to get the job done. Excuse makers usually have the energy of a slug and the spine of a jellyfish. You don't want them on your team when you're trying to climb Mt. Everest.

As I've been (thinking and talking about) working on this TV show, I've used "if" many times. And this isn't even a Mt. Everest to me. This is cake, in that, everything is lined up for me already, I just get to coalesce and lead the team. But therein lies the challenge for me. I use "if" at every turn with this one BECAUSE it relies on other people doing their part -- or so I formerly thought. What these 2 beautiful little paragraphs assisted me in seeing is that in reality, my success with this project relies on my ability to lead and forge ahead. Sure, the person I lined up to actually do the filming may punk out, but the success does not rely solely on him; he could just be a good scapegoat on whom I can blame my inability to sculpt my success. In reality, if he leaves the project, then cool, that's what he wants to do...where is my next step? Well, it seems that it would be to find someone else who is willing to travel with me and film. We step left and adjust. And the same goes for anyone who is involved in the project. Ironically, the only person I can not do that with is myself. If I choose out of the project (which I do one piece at a time with all these "if" statements), there is no one to replace me -- to sculpt MY success, that is. The project may be completed by someone else some other time in life, but it won't be for my gain. I will not have learned about myself. I will not have forged true connections. I will not have proven myself as strong as I want to be. I will not have given it my all. And the project will go to someone else.

(Eric, here's your reluctantly placed line break)

So, what's my next step with this iffue? (Yes, that's a cute/corny play on words. Deal with it.) One might say changing "if" to "when" but for me that doesn't necessarily feel right. It feels shallow. I could say "When so-and-so completes his part of the task, we will succeed," but that doesn't take the whole issue/iffue into account. That mindset still allows for MY success to rely wholly on someone else. So I get to conform my mindset to: "When I feel complete with this part of the task, we will succeed."

Thoughts?

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Karma/Conscious Death/Life

2010-04-30T16:40:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I wrote this a bit ago, and I don't feel like I want to go into more detail on it...I simply want my readers to decode it and offer up their point of view on it.

Hypothetical: Karma is true and absolute.
Astrological karma: real or self concoction?
Pisces is supposed to be the end, what if Virgo is? Or could be? I could come back and report it to everyone?
Either way, it’s my choice whether or not Virgo is my karmic end. It is my choice to bring myself closer to Death or Life, in every choice.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

What Do You See When You Look Back At Your Wasted Life?

2010-04-29T14:37:00.002-06:00

When I was growing up gay and alone, I invested a lot of my time and life into the glory of music. I always made sure to schedule choir and Musical Theatre classes into my schedule during school, and I envisioned myself as The Next Big Thing. I knew that I was gorgeous (even though reality was a pimply, hairy, 200-lb. pubescent body), I knew that I was the most talented (though I never actually excelled musically as advanced as many of my friends), and knew my name would end up in lights. Throughout all this, I kept my eye on the prize, idolizing Madonna, Cher and, of course, The King – Michael Jackson. You know, the ones who had made their lives out of seemingly nothing to become the unbeatable international musical icons they are today. I knew that one day, I would make myself known as loudly as they, and even one day regretfully but naturally overthrow Mr. Jackson as the rightful heir to the title “King of Pop.” And Madonna would be my slave-bitch. Not even kidding you. But there was something I didn’t realize about myself that whole time that would always impede the actualization of my dreams.

On June 25, 2009, I realized: I had completely displaced all my talent, passion and power on Michael Jackson. I had unwittingly become his victim. And he didn’t care. Hell, he didn’t even know. And he wouldn’t have wanted it if he did know (I know this because we’ve had many deep, authentic conversations inside of my head). I soaked up everything that was Madonna, Cher and Michael, and gave them nothing of value back – except my idolatry. I also gave them my sorrow and regret over being Mormon and disobeying the first Commandment for them (they were more important to me than God could ever be, even as devout as I was, so I always felt guilty), but I can’t say that was of any value to them.

When I was a child, growing up with all these amazing songs, they were my only friends. They knew exactly how I felt at exactly the right times. They could console me, pump me up, or stir controversy within me, and it felt good to be so connected to something since everyone around me seemed to want to NOT be connected to me in the least.

“Thriller” brought me closer to my estranged sister, made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that someone in my family actually liked me, and taught me that being a freak may be scary, but in the end it’s pretty fucking cool because you can be in a music video for it. “Bad” and “Beat It” taught me that as much as you might get hurt, or be scared of someone or something, you don’t have to hurt people to resolve the conflict in your life – which gave me hope that maybe someday my dad would treat me like he actually loved me, not beating his “Prince,” as he so often (ironically) called me. “Heal the World” taught me how much I really cared about my mother and would stand up for her no matter what the consequences. “Remember the Time” taught me how to dance. ☺ “Dangerous” and “In the Closet” taught me that I was really probably too young to be listening to some Michael Jackson songs haha! “Jam” taught me that no one is perfect, even someone you idolize, and brought me slowly into a new world of music, as did “The Girl Is Mine”. “Billie Jean” offered me my first taste of MTV and the amazing art of music video creation. Nowadays, the only way I can even successfully begin writing lyrics is by creating a music video in my head and then taking the lyrics through that plot, so I don’t know where I would be musically without that amazing influence. “Black or White” brought me international intrigue, broadening my world and love for tigers ☺ “Man In The Mirror” made me feel happy and relieved that maybe there was someone else out there who would do the work that I was doing in my own self-actualization! And “You Are Not Alone” allowed me to safely feel all the pain of everything I have experienced in my life and sob and not get hit for doing so. That song helped me get through so many nights, whether I was feeling alone, not enough, bruised, out of place or tortured, as I so often did between the ages of seven and twenty.

So when Michael died that day in June, my whole world broke apart, crushed down on top of me, jumped back up, tried to sew itself together again, and succumbed to its own weight and broke again, crushing everything about me one more time. I literally had no idea what to do with my life when I learned he had died. I stayed home all day every day for days, watching the news, staying updated on where and when he would be buried and fiercely tried to find the means to fly to Neverland before the week ended so that I could grieve properly. I didn’t go to Neverland. Instead I stayed in front of my TV and bawled. I cried so hard, it was worse than a break up. Michael was like my big brother, always looking out for me in my childhood and offering me safe refuge from the pain I experienced at school at home and at church.

When Michael died, I lost a large piece of me with him, because I gave up a large part of me to him and his music. I created my world in his, therefore when his world was no longer, neither was a large part of mine. I had not learned that there is a world of difference between leveraging the inspiration of others to further inspire and displacing all my inspiration on someone else rather than myself. I got to learn that lesson that day, and am constantly being reminded it. Because I went for so long without feeling the truth of who I was, I am now building up my soul. It’s kind of nice, because I get to consciously, with the knowledge I have garnered over the years, pick whatever I want to be and whatever I feel, and that is me. But it’s also really fucking scary because I have NOTHING to fall back onto that works. I’ve never had a system in place that actually works for me regarding having a soul. And that’s scary shit to be like “Hey, I have no conscious soul” and not have any safety net to fall into when I am tired and worn out and exasperated. Luckily, I have had a lot of great friends and family members step forward (not necessarily knowing that this is what is going on) and support me when I am completely drained and out of ability to sculpt. I’ve been really lucky in that aspect. Thank you to Jonathan Orlofsky, Lori Baldwin, John Rogers, Mom, Nicole Rieger, Jackie Rieger, Will Sloan, Alex Fauver, Sarah Barney, Melisa Pehrson, Kencie Raddon, Ruthanne Clifford and Eric Dawes who have (perhaps consciously) been willing to fill my cup when it had been fully imbibed.

Alright, Dollies, I love you all and my body just told me it is now time for me to sleep.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Yea, a game! Count how many times I say the Fuck word!

2010-04-27T21:53:00.000-06:00

Did you feel unworthy today? Did you feel like you were too fat? Did you feel too black? Too ugly?
Did you feel too priceless? Did you feel too amazing? Did you feel too loved? Too beautiful?

Today, I felt mostly the first set of questions. I felt bad, sick, wrong, inefficient, unworthy. I felt too gay, too bitchy, too lazy, not funny enough, out of place. I felt arrogant and selfish and fat and hairy and ashamed...I felt immature and useless and offensive and angry and violent.

And I think we are all feeling all those things, and many more, way too often in all of our lives. I feel like we feel many of them at the same time, overwhelmed by the sheer explosion of sorrow and pain coursing through our hearts. That energy can burst out to those around us, whether via physical, verbal or energetic assault, and can affect the visions and peace in another's life.

Today, I experienced this, two-fold. I was at a hair appointment with my friend, and was cursing (of course). Apparently it offended someone so highly that he felt the need to get up in the middle of his haircut and physically threaten me over it. This is something I don't really get...I live my life daily having words thrown around me that could offend me if I so choose...Hell is the least of MY worries. I get to look past "faggot," "dickmouth," "cocksucker," "fag," "queer," "pussy," "pansy," "gay," "ass-pirate," and volumes of other similar terms. Not to mention the fear I am in when around any straight guys that I will get beat the shit out of for opening my mouth. So yeah, if I say "I'll fucking raise hell" around you, then how about you shut your goddamn mouth and deal with it like I do? I am so sick of everyone in this world thinking "Hey, I am an asshole, and I get to be that way, but you don't get to be anything you want to be. Deal? Done." Ummmmmmmmmm, NO. I'm gonna be a fucking victim if I want to be. I'm gonna be a fucking asshole if I want to be. I'm going to be a fucking queer-homo-gayboy-faggot if I want to be. I'm going to be disgusting and childish and intelligent and grateful. I'm going to be everything that makes up me, and I will no longer resent myself for it, nor apologize to you for it. If I'm a sinner, that is up to me, and it is not your job to tell me that so that your fake god will tell you "Good job, you did the best you could do, son!" when you die and never meet him because your religion is a phallacy (misspelled on purpose). It is not your job to save me or anyone else around you. What it's your job to do, if you so choose, is to save your own ass, to save your money so you don't fuck up the rest of our lives with a credit-crunch-breakdown like you have thus far, and to save your words for someone who gives a flying fuck. I am a stand for diversity and free expression, and I am a stand for respect and compassion, and I think the two can co-exist. And I do not believe that they will always exist in harmony, concurrently, or in perfection; however, I do feel it is my responsibility to work on it in my own self and further it in my life. I also know that just because I stand for something does not make me the most perfect at it, and one thing I am REALLY fucking sick of is people criticizing me for what I say and where I stand, in that I am not perfect enough in it. The one thing that Great Life REALLY fuckin sucks at is teaching ANY form of respect or compassion. Do you enjoy it if I come up to you and say "YOU'RE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" er, excuse me, let me put that in Great Life terms: "MY EXPERIENCE OF YOU IS THAT YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" NO!! Of course you don't! So why the fuck would you say it to me as if it is inspiring? Is it because you have no sense of what inspiration actually is? That is my belief. Because I know when I thought I was being inspiring, I was actually attacking, and being an asshole, and people hated being around me. So "mirror mirror on the wall," get the fuck out of here and "inspire" someone else.

The Things I Learned This Weekend:

2010-04-27T20:31:00.000-06:00

-- When you and a friend smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one night and then both sleep in your bed, the lingering odor smells a lot like that night that you put rice on the stove to steam.....and woke up 10 hours later to remove...

-- That Del Taco gives me a LOT of PUTRID gas (sorry friends!)

-- Waking up after sleeping from 6am to 9am is easier than 9am to 6pm

-- That the little details I notice are amazing and terrifying: like my roommate's replacement of dead bananas with fresh ones on our counter; or opening the fridge last night an noticing a new chai drink -- and then seeing this morning that it's gone. Things like these are the only signs that tell me my roommate is still alive. His chai. And bananas.

-- That no matter what judgments are cast on me, I can choose to internalize them and prove their reality, or I can stand in myself, grounded and loving me and all of who O am and continue that same moment loving life (and my reality) rather than hating myself. It all lies within my ability to decide.

-- That I have a lot to learn.

This Is Me Being A Creator

2010-04-23T12:35:00.000-06:00

Sweetness! I am incredibly stoked!

I just got off a call with one of the best in the business regarding my travel show idea, and he gave me some priceless advice and assistance! He confirmed many things I already (surprisingly) knew, and added glow to them, such that I can advance my knowledge. So the next step for me is to just get out and start shooting. I’m going to Blanding this next Thursday to assist in building homes for those living on the Navajo reservation with the non-profit group Hearts and Hands, and I’m going to take advantage of that trip to start filming. What perfection the Universe lines up for me! Now all I have to do is get a video camera to be able to film, haha! My friend that I just got off the phone with – Jasen Wade Nielsen – offered to assist me a bit with editing if need be, and I know a couple other people who excel at that who I can hook up with, and I personally love sound editing and yesterday found out that a really good (and developing) friend of mine is really skilled at sound editing anyway, and I am overflowing with creativity for the writing and hosting part of the job; everything is just lining up out of the blue and it feels great!! Like I said, all I need now is to find a camera (and preferably some decent sound-capturing equipment) and grab someone who can carry it and shoot and head down to Blanding by next week! I am sooooo looking forward, with immense excitement and optimism!

Now, the basic concept is to provide to youth and teens a fun, semi-interactive education on the diversity of the people who walk this planet with us with a purpose of engaging the viewer’s creativity and feelings of compassion and personal responsibility. I will cover niches wherever they may be. The first episode to be filmed, as stated above, will be the Navajo Nation in Blanding, Utah – their customs, dances, art, etc, as well as the plight they continue to endure regarding their government’s corruption. The second shoot will involve the gay movement in Salt Lake City – simply because I am getting more involved in it and the Pride Celebration (with which I am assisting this year) takes place at the beginning of June, which will give me ample time to edit the Blanding footage before I tackle my next episode. Plus, I think it’s great timing (and great footage to have in general), because of everything that’s going on between the gay movement and SLC, specifically, with all the hate crimes that have been occurring lately, and the indie Prop 8 movie being released in nationwide theaters soon and all. Like I said, the timing of all this creativity is absolutely impeccable! What should my third episode be? I am heavily considering India, as I am already planning on traveling there this summer…the only reason I’m CONSIDERING it, rather than COMMITTING to it is because I don’t know anything about it, or where to start with it! So I guess I will add to my to-do list to research India and its history and culture such that I can tackle something significant and interesting!

Timeline:
1. Research Navajo Nation for at least ten hours before Thursday.
2. Be working out to get in best shape for filming lifestyle.
3. Get video camera and someone to film.
4. Gather footage in Blanding next week.
5. Find a month-long job in Utah so I can begin saving for India.
6. Review and edit footage.
7. Format a plot for my Gay-SLC episode.
8. Research India (government, culture, rituals, niches) for at least a week.
9. Format plot for India episode.
10. Gather Gay-SLC footage in June.
11. Move to San Luis Obispo and immediately get a job to save for India trip.
12. Review and edit footage.
13. Take 2-3 days to research surfer culture and history.
14. Gather Surf footage in June/July.
15. Review and edit footage.
16. Gather footage in India in August?
17. Review and edit footage.

If you think I’m missing anything, feel free to throw anything up here. I love hearing from you guys and look forward to your discussions! Love y’all (as Texans would say)!

My Veins Is All

2010-04-22T09:38:00.000-06:00

Tonight was a very productive night! I went to a Pride meeting, got myself checked for AIDS (negative, woot!), came home and made a delicious dinner (Poor Man’s Lasagna – an accidental and VERY happy discovery!), planned out my (very productive) day for tomorrow, planned out my weekend a little bit, wrote a song called “Indie Is All” and mapped out the road I need to take in my creation of a new travel-education show for kids and teens called “The First Step” [tentative title] that I plan on hosting! Whew, good thing I don’t have a significant other or kids to have to plan into my days and nights...otherwise things might get a little hectic around here!

I’m glad to have created a song last night...I have recently created a goal for myself to write more lyrics. A few days ago, a friend gave me feedback, saying that my biggest strength in his perception is my ability to write. He told me to find ways to monetize my blog (which I’ve since done) and suggested I focus myself on writing. I decided one way I could do that is with the blog, yes, and I can also do so by creating examples of my great writing in other avenues, as well. I’m STILL writing a self-discovery pamphlet I’ve been working on since winter, but I’m having writer’s block there, so I thought “Hey, why not reconnect yourself with music?”

I have a huge affinity for music (though “affinity” isn’t even a strong enough word) – music courses through my veins in a higher percentage than blood, I think. Snow Patrol and Ani DiFranco’s lyrics make me shiver whenever I hear ANY of their songs, because they are all written so beautifully and deeply and subtly…and I believe this is because I have the ability to write as lyrically as they. I believe my skin tingles while listening to them as a way of telling me “Dude, you can write this well...stop idolizing and put yourself into action!” and then of course I neglect the message because self-sabotage is my M.O. ☺ I can’t say I will ever become as recognized as they are, or that I will follow songwriting through to the point of deep, long-lasting success in it, but I do know it is something in which I excel and enjoy. So why not relish myself in it then, right? And if the product of my creation ends up being money, then good on me! ☺

“Indie Is All” is a really sweet song and I am surprised at how it just came up and out of me. All in all, it took me about 15 or 20 minutes to complete – like I said, music is always in me! After I finish this blog, I think I may go put pen to paper again, as I feel like there is something else inside of me longing to get out. But who knows, that could just be something easily cured with masturbation ☺ Hmm, there’s a good topic to sign off with:

What do you think about masturbation? Do you believe it is A) a simple means of releasing sexual energy, B) an impediment to our ability to create, as it releases valuable core energy from our bodies, or C) something else entirely? Leave your comments below! ☺

Love Is the Groove In Which We Move

2010-04-17T17:19:00.002-06:00

I've heard that life is a cycle. I've heard that pain/fear and love/abundance are two sides of the same coin. I've also been told that we choose everything we do and exactly how our lives play out. But what if life is just a constant cycle? What if our secular minds have caught onto something spiritual with this whole "Go Green and Recycle" initiative? What if life is a cycle we ride between love and fear and back to love, and we don't ultimately choose our emotions? I BELIEVE WE CHOOSE OUR ACTIONS, RESPONSES AND BEHAVIORS. However, what if our emotions were already set out for us on this path?

I would absolutely LOVE to hear all your theories on this, please. It will help me grow. Love and respect you all. Muah!

Two Sides of the Same Coin

2010-04-16T10:37:00.001-06:00

Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?

Bring on tomorrow.

What We're Missing is a Revolution...and Respect

2010-04-13T15:43:00.002-06:00

I remember just a week or so ago remarking to a friend, "You know, I am so sick of the complacency in this nation. What we are missing in this nation is passion! That's something that made us great." and I hereby retract that statement. Yes, I believe there is an alarming amount of complacency in this nation, and I would love that to change, but I now see that we have quite a bit of passion here in our lil ol' nation. I think what we're missing, though, is Respect. Today I read a story about Reverend Phelps and his Westboro gang, and I was truly appalled by their sheer disregard for the respect of life. (You can find the story to which I'm referring here) And just a few weeks ago, the media was filled with reports of Teabaggers throwing slurs at our Congress members. Why is it that our citizens have come to the brink of savagery? To where have our respectful movements disappeared? Where is our ability to see and sculpt the future?

Yes, Westboro assholes, say what you want, whenever you want, wherever you want; such is the current state of free speech. However, I firmly believe this definition and legal upholding of free speech is bullshit. It's time to evolve, people. The Constitution states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech" and I believe that is the nail in the coffin that the Founding Fathers unwittingly included that gives religion whatever rights it wants to have. How I read that is: as long as it's a religious movement, then Congress can legally have no say in changing it. So why don't all the homosexuals just create a religion celebrating homosexuality? We could then get married and adhere to a loophole in the Constitution to ensure whatever we wanted could be carried out by us. I think it is about time for some real reform. It is time for a revolution, people.

If You Love People-Watching...

2010-04-12T15:06:00.003-06:00

WOW! A great friend of mine, Kyle Burdash, referred me to dooce.com, where I found this nugget! I really lack words for how I feel about the power, beauty and inspiration I feel when reading this. The question is asked: Can you tell your life story in 20 words or less? At first, I didn't see the power of this practice, so I ventured over to cure my curiosity...boy, am I glad I did! First of all, it is hella powerful to see what words people use to define themselves and their paths. Second, it is beautiful and inspiring to ME to see so many people indicating a life that started with deep pain -- such as RAPE and family members COMMITTING SUICIDE -- and see their story end with "hope" or "looking forward" and the like. Take a gander. Take a goose.

Go deep in a shallow manner.

The Key

2010-04-12T11:07:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, my amazing friend Lori Baldwin uttered very timely words to me and a group of friends. They are words I already believed, but it was nice to hear them again. In so many words she said: “I had an epiphany recently. Life is really just a dream. And in our dreams, we can create whatever we want.” Think about your dreams. What kind of crazy shit do you have going on in there?? I know mine are always weird, nonsensical and random. And as they are simply reflections of our consciousness in that moment, so is life, because the reality we perceive as life is but a dream that we are experiencing.

I believe where a lot of people get stuck in their ability to create what they want out of life is down the avenue of Gratitude. Sure, you may have strolled down it before, you may even know Gratitude Ave. like the back of your hand...but I believe in all of us, there is something down that street of which we have never before taken notice. I can’t tell you what that is, because everyone’s stroll has been different, so I challenge you to see what it is for you. Now, the reason I hypothesize this is based on experiences I’ve shared with myself, as well as experiences I’ve shared with others. When I reflect on my experience with life, creation and gratitude, a set of lyrics from “Grey,” one of my favorite Ani DiFranco songs, comes to mind. I’ve posted the set to which I’m referring immediately below, as well as the whole song -- in case you’re interested -- at the very bottom of this post.

“My little pink heart is on its little brown raft, floating out to sea…What kind of Paradise am I looking for? I’ve got everything I wanted, but still I want more. Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore…Regretfully, I guess I’ve got three simple things to say: Why me? Why this, now? Why this way?”

I know I’ve felt this way, really as a constant in my life, and I firmly believe we all have felt this way. No matter what side of the spectrum on which we lie, I believe we have all experienced this wanting, this desire, this loneliness in our lives to some degree. I used to let myself wallow in such melancholy, thinking it was cathartic. And who knows, it may have been...but what I believe now is that wallowing there does not ultimately serve me. Another friend posted yesterday on her Facebook page: “When you notice you are not getting what you want, instead notice what you aren’t getting that you don’t want.” I think that’s a first step. I think the next step is FULL-ON gratitude! In my opinion, the “tiny, shiny key” to which the song refers is Gratitude; Gratitude, for whatever circumstances may come to you, is the key to forward movement. If I’m having a horrendous day, I can see it as hell and sulk, or I can look at it with the mindset of “Well, thank god that day is over, on to the next!” or “Wow, if I’m having such a bad day, I wonder how the women in Iraq are doing. Thank you for blessing me with this life.”

To further this acknowledgment in your life, here are some questions to get you going:

For what kind of Paradise are you looking?
If you don’t have said Paradise, then what is getting in your way?
For what are you grateful today – really, genuinely grateful?
How can you be grateful and take your next step?

For your enjoyment, here are the full lyrics to "Grey," by Ani DiFranco, from the album "Reveling and Reckoning: Reckoning":

The sky is grey
The sand is grey and
The ocean is grey.

I feel right at home
In this stunning monochrome,
Alone in my way.

I smoke and I drink and
Every time I blink
I have a tiny dream.

But as bad as I am,
I'm proud of the fact
That I'm worse than I seem.

What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore...

You walk through my walls
Like a ghost on TV
You penetrate me

And my little pink heart
Is on its little brown raft,
Floating out to sea.

And what can I say but
I'm wired this way?
And you're wired to me...

And what can I do
But wallow in you
Unintentionally?

Oh, what kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Regretfully,
I guess I've got three
Simple things to say:
Why me?
Why this, now?
Why this way?

Th'overtone's ringing,
Undertow's pulling away
Under a sky that is grey
On sand that is grey
By an ocean that's grey!

And what kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore...

Where IS Wyan??

2010-04-10T15:31:00.004-06:00

You may be wondering who Wyan is. You may not be. Who knows. HOWEVER, no matter how much you know about Wyan, you can learn more about him here:
http://whereswyan.blogspot.com/

Definitely check this out, you will be very glad you did. :)

Pain Is a Warning Bell

2010-04-10T14:13:00.004-06:00

Many people (including me more often than I'd like to admit) perceive pain as an evil. And I think much of that is due to the Happiness Revolution that began a few decades ago. During this revolution, it was taught that everyone's main focus should be happiness -- often avoiding the intricacies that pain offers to us. Consequently, many people feel pain and then avoid it. They try to turn it off -- an impossible endeavor -- and do away with it, thus creating a false sense of happiness and never achieving true joy in their lives. They live with a sinking feeling (whether consciously realized or not) and numb themselves to true, pure joy. Joy comes from seeing pain for what it is, thanking it for providing you whatever lessons may come of it, and passing it on to the rest of the Universe as a gift, not a curse.

One experience of pain (and in my opinion, the highest-functioning) is as a warning bell. When an experience hurts, it’s often an alarm going off trying to get our attention that something needs to change. It serves the same function as physical pain. If I touch a hot stove and it burns my finger, I know to pull away ASAP.

However, when it comes to emotional or spiritual pain, we often refuse to listen and instead play the victim. We say, or think: “Ouch! This hurts! But I can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way things are. I’d rather stay where I am than face the uncertainty of change.”...and so on. Focus on the irony: Would we do this with physical pain?? If we put our finger on a hot stove and felt the burn, would we linger there with our finger thinking "Damn! I'm stuck here in this pain! I need to think about what I should do next. If I remove my finger from that which just caused it pain, I'm not sure if I will be hurt again or even more so, so I think I'll just keep it here on the stove while I figure out what to do next"?? No! And if you ever encountered someone doing that, you would immediately go to help them, and most likely judge them to be insane for doing so! So why do we engage in that type of activity with emotional or spiritual pain? Too often for comfort, I see people living in their pain. Rather than feeling the pain, realizing that something needs to change and then immediately enacting that next step, TOO MANY PEOPLE learn instead to live with the alarm bells going off 24/7.

When you listen to that warning bell and take action as a result, it doesn’t simply stop the pain. It also leads you in a positive direction. As you will experience later (whether it be immediate or cumulative), the effect of those positive steps can be huge. But it is about taking the first step. The following are questions you can use to help yourself cope with pain and with change:

* What positive change could this be catalyzing?
* What is this pain telling me? What can I do about it? Where can I go from here?
* What do I need to learn to help me move past this pain?

It's The Journey, Not The Destination

2010-04-08T10:01:00.003-06:00

I’ve lived my whole life really easily. I’ve become comfortable with not trying. Life always came REALLY REALLY easily in all aspects. I was brilliant, a prodigy, so I never had to work to achieve any greatness or substance throughout school. The quintessential reference I use is when I was a freshman in college and never went to my Environmental Science class, because it was too early in the morning for my lazy ass, but I would ace every single test without studying or coming to class or anything, Even though that was the subject I knew least about, I always aced the tests because somehow the information just came to me, it was just there and it all made sense. I’d be one of the first three done with every test I took and I’d leave the class and go hang out at my friend’s dorms and surf the internet and just chill. Really, it was a great time, other than the random bouts of guilt I felt.

Throughout my life, even well past childhood, I got basically whatever I wanted, served to me on a platter. It’s not that I was a spoiled kid, and I was not bratty in the least. My parents had taught me to be polite and humble and respect that which I was given, and because I was the baby and the only boy, my parents would just give me everything in the world. I wouldn’t ask for it, I wouldn’t cry about it, and I mean, there are some things that I wanted that I never got, but overall I got basically whatever I wanted, and was treated as if I deserved the world. It was a great upbringing. Even after the divorce, I still got a lot…my mom felt like it would keep us happy and feeling normal and keep us from hating our lives and keep us together as a family if we went on a bunch of vacations, so my teens were filled with vacations to amazing places at least once a year. I mean, what 12-year-old can say that two years prior, his father had rocked our world by leaving us, thus taking away about two-thirds of the income, and now he was going to Hawai’i and staying in a $500-a-night beachside resort, followed the next year by heading to Florida and cruising to Key West (where his mom bought him an indigenous-style tribal mask that cost $125) and then to Cozumel, Mexico – a location that most adults have always wanted to visit yet never have? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had a very privileged childhood, but I never felt I deserved any of it.

As a child, I was always surprised when I received things because I never had any forethought that I “deserved” those things, or that I “should” have things, so I never tacked onto those items the belief that I was more worthy than others for receiving the items. Conversely, after my parents divorced, my soul spiraled to utter death and I tacked onto EVERYthing that it meant that I didn’t deserve love and that I wasn’t worthy of ANYthing. Spending a dream-week in Hawai’i wouldn’t change that. Spending a week cruising the West Caribbean wouldn’t change that. Being given the gift from my family of flying alone to Missouri to meet up with them instead of having to fly out earlier with them and miss a play I was supposed to be in didn’t change that belief. Additionally, within the span of ten years of my childhood (a liberal allotment for the purposes of this post), traveling to Illinois (at least once every year or two), Jackson Hole and Yellowstone a couple times, Montana, Idaho, California (at least once or twice a year), Arizona a few times, Wyoming, Kansas several times, Nebraska, Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Mexico, Florida and Vegas a few times never changed that. Cruising from L.A. to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas didn’t change it. Borrowing my dad’s truck with 3 of my friends and going on a Senior Trip to San Francisco, spending all my money on beautiful clothes and hanging out on the piers, visiting Angel Island and Alcatraz and living it up, three teenagers running amok in Frisco didn’t change any beliefs I held.

The next year, when I road tripped with a friend to San Francisco, Vegas, L.A. – where her rich aunt put us up in the nicest hotel in the city for free so we wouldn’t have to sleep in the car or a hostel – and then, after calling my dad and asking him to wire us a couple hundred more dollars so we could continue our vacation, stopped into Phoenix to visit another friend before all three of us then headed to Puerto Penasco in Baja California, Mexico to spend a weekend for free in the Phoenix friend’s boyfriend’s multi-million-dollar BEACHSIDE CONDO with a rainforest shower right outside the back door and prime access to the beach just by exiting the back door didn’t even prove those “I’m irreparably broken and unworthy” beliefs to be wrong. Hell, even just recently, the five amazing, basically free days I spent in Cabo barely changed any of those beliefs! Even going to Vegas with my best friend and receiving everything down there for free, including several hundred dollars to gamble with, $250 in beautiful Armani Exchange clothing and even the tattoos on my wrists – which so deeply define me as a spirit in this secular world – didn’t remove my limiting beliefs.

One belief I carried around to define and make sense of most of these events remained: that these were all just things I had to do, as part of the family, or as a good friend, or just because the vacation was something I decided to do in my life, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me special. Over the last thirteen years, who else could go on forty-four vacations personally costing me under probably two or three grand TOTAL and still hold the belief that life is ordinary and plain and that I don’t deserve anything and that I had such a terrible childhood?? And that’s really only the vacations that came easily to my mind…there were others I’m remembering even now that I went on with my dad and his new family throughout those years… On the conservative estimate, that’s one vacation every 4 months, if not more often, for thirteen years straight, each one averaging me ONLY $45-$100. And they were never run-of-the-mill vacations, either. They were fabulous vacations that would make most any other person incredibly jealous and excited.

When I went to Iceland, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else, really for one reason only. I felt like it was something normal, so I didn’t know how to convey to others how amazing it in fact was. Everyone asked me when I returned “Wow, how was that??” with such eager anticipation and I killed it with “Yeah, it was pretty superb/amazing/wonderful.” I could see the excited look in their face just sit there waiting for more detail about exactly just how unique and special it was, and I could find no words to say…in my eyes, it felt special (a little), but it seemed so run-of-the-mill to me…I mean, it’s Iceland for god sake! That is not a run-of-the-mill locale, but it felt like it to me because I took it for granted so quickly. Right now, I’m planning my year out, and I plan to head to Pismo Beach, India, and back to Iceland and I’m not incredibly inspired by it…not as much as I think I should be, at least. When people learn my plans to visit India, they inquire “Wow, what for!? How amazing would that be??” and my only reply is “Yeah. I mean, I haven’t experienced it, so I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be pretty awesome.”

And truthfully, part of me is nervous I’ll spend the thousand to fly there and totally not enjoy it. And I think that is why part of me is putting off earning the money to go. I have a virtually perfect setup: I have a continuous temporary job that expires the last week of May (right before my lease ends and right before I want to head out to Pismo) that will earn me almost enough to visit Pismo and India, and I just got hired on with the text-answer service ChaCha, which will provide me with probably an extra $300 a month while I’m still in the states, as well as once I’m overseas, and I am sabotaging it already. I can only assume I am because I’m apprehensive about not enjoying India, so instead of potentially waste the money, I’d rather just fuck myself over so I can’t go in the first place. But why?? Because if I go, and I spend all that money, and I don’t like it, then not only will I be out the money that I spent time saving up, but even deeper, I’ll be wrong, and I’ll have to deal with telling everyone that I didn’t really enjoy it, and see their faces sink once again. Just in this one sentence, I have made up so many stories that go very deep and completely run my life if I don’t stay aware of them…think about how many other stories I and we all create for the REST of our lives…

First off: I don’t HAVE to tell anyone anything about my trip. Well, actually, that should be at least second…let’s go a little further back…first off, I don’t have to retain the belief around money that I currently have, which is that I have to work, doing something I hate to receive any of it, especially any amount in excess. So far, I have not had ANY experience otherwise. I wish I could break through that belief because it limits me so heavily…I’d say it is the belief I have that most limits my life and my expression of myself. Oh my God, I could go so deep with this one…and even though it’s way too late, I am going to, because right now is the time, I feel it…Maybe it limits me from expressing my true self most because it is the challenge that I need to face in order to express myself freely, and once I truly do that, especially on a consistent basis, then I will break that limit…it’s not about the barrier being broken (or me waiting for the barrier to be removed for me) in order for me to be free; it is that being free breaks the barrier. But I have lost myself and felt identity-less for so long that I don’t know what aspect of me is the “right” aspect to express freely. And I don’t want to hurt people by expressing myself how I want and then later learning that that was a juvenile part of me and as I mature and find my true self I find something else in me that is the “actual me” and I’m not believed because I cried wolf in a sense by expressing something else totally different, and branding myself in a totally different way. I wonder who else and how many others think of expressing themselves as branding themselves. My mindset is SO businessman, it’s freakin’ crazy. Probably literally. If only I could execute, I would be the perfect businessman or business partner.

Maybe I will learn to execute by being Myself. By ascertaining the real Me, and creating routines around that Me in order to procure a stable and consistent Me then I will be able to learn how to execute in a business manner as well. Now I feel almost complete…The things I want to do most in the world are: to learn how to execute efficiently and create immense value in this world (financially); to learn how to SCUBA dive, surf, dance ballet professionally, and play the piano; to go skydiving; to get fit and FINE and go out to a sexy gay club and “superparty it up” as I like to call it and have gorgeous sweaty men all over me and glitter and confetti falling all around us have the time of my life ALL THE TIME; and to be a leader, evolver and mover-and-shaker in politics, specifically in the gay movement, beginning at the regional level, then moving up to the state level, then moving up to the national level and then enjoying the international arena. With all of that accomplished, I would feel I’d lived a truly full and successful life, and would know that there was much more incredible life to come. I’m beginning this by fully quitting smoking cold turkey and implementing P90X again in my life. I have created systems to assist me in really achieving these goals: Creating sheets to hang up on my bedroom wall where I can mark off how many days I’ve been free of nicotine and how many days I’ve exercised with P90X that basically congratulate me for doing both those things, as well as hanging up lighters around my room that have a paper taped to them that says “NO!!” in bold lettering, so that it reminds me that even picking up any part of the habit is something I’ve committed to myself that I never want to do. Additionally, I’ve planned my schedule out such that I create a routine that works for me in that I wake up every morning between 5 and 5:30 (based on that day’s events) and workout for an hour and get everything ready first thing of the day, before I even go to work so that I’m in a routine mindset where working out comes first no matter what, and so I’m always energized for the day before I head to work, thereby starting my day off with MUCH more clarity and peace of mind.

Hmm, I feel like there’s a sliver more somewhere in me, but I can’t immediately find it and I’d rather get a decent amount of sleep tonight than stay up for hours searching for it…and after getting all of that out, I can finally get to sleep anyhow, haha. So good night, thanks for listening, and I truly hope this inspired you somewhere in your life…somewhere deep. I know it did for me.

Peace and Love, Blog Buddies

Upcoming blogs to look forward to this week:
“A Letter To My Body,” “How Kindness Has Affected My Life” and “My Calm and Rational But Nowhere Near P.C. Beliefs About Religion” – Enjoy!

Final Thoughts of Wed. April 7th, 2010

2010-04-08T09:58:00.002-06:00

What I’ve learned today from cooking:

1. When you cook white wine with cheese, and then let it cool afterward, it IMMEDIATELY hardens into an immovable, flan-like substance. Whether you shake it up and down, or turn it upside down or sideways, it will still NOT MOVE. However, if and only if you shake it like you do a pancake or an omelet, then it will move and suddenly return to the fluid, runny mess it was before it cooled!
2. When cooking Manchego cheese, your house WILL smell like a foot…or more like a sweaty locker room……Hmm, when I think about it that way, it doesn’t seem to be such a bad thing…
3. That Ricotta cheese will evidently NEVER change its shape…Even after 30 minutes of boiling and simmering, it retains its exact form. WHAT?? Haha.
4. Cooking makes me feel alive, and is cathartic for me. After a long, arduous day of struggle, I can come home and cook, and even if what I’m cooking doesn’t turn out perfectly or even decently (haha), I still feel really good about my accomplishments, and that’s very different from basically anything else in my life. Man, I feel kind of like Julie and Julia! Haha!

Love Peace Love

P.S. -- these are my favorite quotes from last night's Realtime podcast:

Bill Maher: “What do you think about Sarah Palin?”
Gore Vidal: “I don’t think about her at all!”

“I’ve heard about it, but I’ve never practiced true love.” – Gore Vidal

The Honeymooners

2010-04-07T17:02:00.002-06:00

I think love is a chance for us to grow as human and spiritual beings, where two don’t become one but learn how to grow together on separate paths, each complementing the other. I've never been able to put it into words that well, so I stole those words from someone else. And I'm glad I read this and was able to wrap my world around these words. This weekend, I've been struggling a bit with love...what my concept of it is, how I feel it should look, the entropy that has defined my love life and consequently, my beliefs about love and further consequently, my behaviors in love. I have come to the realization that I have never really felt love for anyone. I have felt perhaps what mankind coins as love for a few people, and I have garnered much respect for many others as well. And I've now fully come to the realization that I cannot yet say with integrity that I have ever felt and behaved in the manner of deep, spiritual love. How empowering. A few blogs ago, a blog buddy of mine commented that I am too hard on myself, in her experience. Since then, I have noticed when I am being too hard on myself, and have scaled it back a little bit. I had never seen myself as being too hard on myself because my only experience with discipline and then forward movement was being beat by my dad and then going through Great Life. Not two amazing examples of taking the easy road of disciplining oneself...Haha. Oh, wow...that may be why I have never cared to learn self-discipline...I've always seen it as limiting and angry and "hard." But if I am making up the terms on which I will be disciplined, then it can be whatever it will be for me, as long as it works....what a fresh new way to look at self-discipline! I feel complete with this blog, even though it seems neither linear nor resolved whatsoever, to the outside eye. But it feels good to me right now. May Peace, Love and Gratitude fly with you.

Monday, April 5, 2010, 12:43 AM

2010-04-06T00:21:00.003-06:00

Tonight, I'm learning to be free. And it is truly scaring the shit out of me, because that means I don't get to have control, something I've long held in my life, the thing most highly sought after my whole life.

I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.

"It might never be the same, we may never be able to live those days gone by, but we can try."

I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?

I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.

Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.

Love and Peace!

Kindness

2010-04-04T22:35:00.002-06:00

Kindness is new... I'm not sure what to write about it because I haven't often experienced it, in others or in myself. (When I say I haven't "Experienced" it, it doesn't mean it hasn't been around me trying to engage in me, I simply may have been not allowing it to engage with me)

So the other day, I went to a friend's house who I just barely met...her name is Angel Shannon, and you can find her, or her product Tranquility Circle, on my Facebook page. She read my blog the other day and was concerned about me so she offered me her services for free, and of course I welcomed the offer, as I believe when things are offered to people, especially for free, it is the Universe's way of saying "This is for you, take it." So I went. I have no idea how to exactly describe the meeting, but to sum it up it was kind of like a counseling session, I guess. After all the processing, and after all the tears, laughter and serious talk, we came down to an agreement on kindness. I have NEVER cared to be kind to anyone -- literally EVER -- unless I received an ROI. Kindness was simply about what I would get back because of what I put out, and if I could foresee no valuable ROI, it wasn't worth my time and effort, and I wouldn't make the effort to be kind. Angel assisted me in seeing the value of kindness in my life and in the lives of others (among other very deep realizations about myself, my past and my ability to shape my future) and it was very powerful. So I am challenging myself to be kind every day. Angel challenged me to take at least an hour every day to make a concerted effort to be kind to everyone, no matter who they were or what they could or could not do for me. But I've taken it one further and am doing everything I can do at all times to be kind to people. But I'm not going to be a perfectionist and beat myself up if I don't do it. I've already started and I've already slipped up and I've mostly been inspired by my ability to do something I had no faith in myself doing. So it's lookin' up, and we'll see where it goes from here :)

Look Forward

2010-04-03T14:41:00.001-06:00

I just had one of the greatest, forward-moving-est :) experiences of my life this morning, and I'm going to write a blog about it. But not now. I am giving it time to soak in and I'll write possibly one of the best blogs I've ever written in order to share with you the power of what I experienced and learned today. Look forward. :)

Full Circle

2010-04-01T21:44:00.002-06:00

I feel like ever since Alex broke up with me, I've been going through A LOT of pain. I've felt neglected, I've felt used, I've felt like dirt, I've felt like hell....rarely have I felt happy, accepted, loved or worthy. Until lately. The last few days or week, I've really felt reconnected with myself, and I've felt happy, and like the world is a really great place that likes me. Ironically, after not talking to me at all this whole time, Alex added me on Facebook today and messaged me saying "I've been an ass to you and I'm sorry." First off, total kudos to him for being mature and humble and nice and sincere like that. Second, this is another example to me of how the Universe works when I let it. When I clear the blockages I've put in my path, the Universe starts working for me...or moreso, WITH me. Well, I'm actually gonna change what I wrote: it's not that the Universe is ever working with OR against me. The Universe is always there just being, and I am putting blocks in my way and then blaming everything else but myself. And then when I remove them, I don't see that it was me that put them in the way and then I return to blaming the Universe. But it's really just unaccountability getting in the way of my vision. Good to learn.

How Do I Treat My Allies?

2010-03-31T14:36:00.002-06:00

As I was pondering two nights ago about the blog I was to write yesterday, I kept thinking over and over “God, I want to prove myself right about this! I really, REALLY want to be right!” and I stopped myself for a moment and thought, “You know, I want to be right about this, but I don’t really want to make her wrong about it.” We both had very valid points for our own lives, and drew them off of very real experiences we had had, and no part of me wanted to invalidate what she had experienced. And in that moment, I learned that what I wanted was for her to accept me as my truth and my reality, and that in no way meant that I had to “win.” And I think that is where we get things so terribly twisted nowadays.

Think about it. You want to be accepted as you, right? You want people to love the little quirks that make you up. You want to be adored my those you care about, and you want to feel validated in the choices you make, yes? Well, I know I do. And that one thought has been so key for me over the last couple of days as I’ve ruminated on it. What I wanted was to feel like she didn’t disapprove of me as a human simply because I was gay. What I wanted was to be loved and cherished even for being gay. And I thought I had to point and counterpoint her until I felt like I was right and had won the debate and then she would see that because I won, I was okay and it would now follow for her to acquiesce to my desire to be accepted as the wonderful gay man that I am. And as twisted as that sounds…I think that is exactly how everyone else out there thinks, whether or not they are conscious of it – and I put my money on the wager that they are not.

Take for instance the “talking heads,” whether they be Bill O’Reilly or Bill Maher. They are on there, presenting and pressing their points, many times discrediting their guest’s points in favor of their own. I don’t think in the end, they really want to belittle anyone. (Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I think Bill O’Reilly enjoys belittling people…) But I think they’re grander goal is to get the other person to think about and accept what they are saying as valid and true, but they’re going about it the wrong way…most likely without even realizing they are. What does that create? I’ll tell you. Lol. It creates a stalemate where I believe what I want, you believe what you want, we butt heads and live in tension out of disrespect for the other person’s point of view and by over-respecting our own. What we need to progress is feedback. We must take the other person’s/people’s points of view and coalesce them such that we make something grander out of them. That’s what true leadership is about and that’s what inspires people.

What might happen if gay people were to look at ALL straight people as allies, instead of just the ones who vote for leaders who will give the gays the freedom for which we feel so desperate? It’s like Tai Chi. You take the energy you’re being given and you use it to your advantage…you take it with you to create something bolder and something bigger and that’s how you succeed. It’s not about winning. It’s about succeeding.

I Envision Assimilation and Tolerance

2010-03-30T18:23:00.005-06:00

The other day, I put on my Facebook status the following: "Irony: when religious zealots make preventing gays from marrying peacefully their newest false idol." I did not say anyone I knew was a religious zealot. I did not say all religious people are crazy zealots. I did not list anyone in particular. I simply posted what I wrote above. And the only person who responded so far wrote "I think the real irony is how gay people preach tolerance and show more intolerance for others than anyone I know." Now, I am gay. And her brothers are gay. And one of her friends is gay. And she still says she believes this. How can that be? One cannot stereotype a group of people but say that there are some of that group that they don't believe it about. That's just not how the mind works. You either believe it about us all, or you don't. Yes, there may have been some very intolerant gay people in your history (I know I can think of quite a few), but to say that gay people are the least tolerant people of ANYONE is a very powerful and clear statement. And I don't agree with her claim that gay people kissing in front of a temple, or defacing churches or any of the other items she wrote as evidence are the most intolerant acts ever demonstrated by anyone or any group in mankind's history. I do NOT condone any of the things she wrote as evidence of gay people being intolerant AND I do not believe them to be the most intolerant acts ever committed. Yes, kiss-ins are juvenile in my opinion, and especially that gays would be holding it in front of the temple, obstructing the way for devout followers of a faith who want to simply peacefully worship and enjoy their day. AND when the kiss-ins were happening, I loudly voiced to ALL my friends (straight AND gay) that I thought it was immature and purposeless and I lost a couple friends for it in fact. Yet I am lumped into the same category as those friends I lost. I am lumped into the same category as the people who actually participated in an act that I found revolting, immature and disrespectful.

Now, I want to state here to all readers: I'm not writing this to win, I'm not writing this to be a bitch, I'm not writing this to get people against her or to belittle her or to get people to harass her, and I would appreciate it if all readers would respect those wishes. Why I AM writing this is to provide to straight people just a little bit of clarity on the history of the treatment of gays.

There's a lot of things to say to combat what she said, and I'm going to say them here to get them out. I don't want to confront her, because I don't think that's the high road, but I also feel a need to express travesties that are done to the gay community of which she (or others) may simply not know. And NOTE, this is all to MY knowledge...there may be things out there that have happened to straight people that I don't know about, and please feel free to put them here if they have been (education is always best).

First: I have never known a straight teenager to be kidnapped by his gay peers, dragged out to the middle of nowhere, beaten to a bloody pulp, tied up to a fencepost, beaten some more and left for dead, on the brink of death, all because the child was straight. I do know of a gay 14-year-old that has happened to him. His name is Matthew Shephard and he lived and died in Laramie, Wyoming. For those who don't know, Laramie is a mere 5 hours and 37 minutes away by car. In this huge nation, that is much too close for comfort. And to have my fear and my pain and mostly HIS pain, and his mother's pain reduced to "Gays are intolerant" is just straight up bull. There's no other wording for it.

Second: In Iran -- and MANY other countries -- being gay is punishable by death or many other forms of atrocities. What?? Why? Why is my being attracted to someone else punishable by death? Whether or not being gay is a choice or something you're born as isn't the argument here. The question is -- either way -- why is a way of being punishable by death, or by being whipped severely and scarred? It's not punishable by death to be a businessman, or to be a stay at home mom, or even in many of these countries to be a prostitute, yet it is worthy of death simply to be gay (even if one doesn't act on it)??

Many careers have been destroyed because a person has come out of the closet. And yes, my belief is that most of these times it is because when the person comes out, they go a little overboard and they act "too gay". I mean, take a look at a few people... Lance Bass: Well, he didn't have much of a career left, HOWEVER, he has earned a lot of respect because he told everyone "I just wanna be a normal gay. I don't need to be all outlandish and everything." Same with Neil Patrick Harris and Ricky Martin. Rosie O'Donnell? Well, she was like the queen of acting too gay when she came out. And look at the way she is perceived in the media. Tell me one straight person who perceives her as "normal" or "acceptable". I have not met any myself. The argument here may have gotten a little obfuscated, so let me point it out for certain: since when has it been bad to be "too straight"? Are people fired from their job for being "too straight"? Are people called derogatory words for being "too straight"? Are people completely dismissed as actual humans for being "too straight"? No. Bottom line is: NO.

Based on THESE EXAMPLES, saying gay people are intolerant of the way straight people have treated them would be akin to saying that black people were intolerant of the KKK. I'm not saying it's okay for gay people to be "intolerant" and it's not for straight people. I'm not saying that gays are righteous and straights are evil. What I'm trying to do here is point out that gay people have had an inordinate amount of intolerance shown to them in recent history, and maybe it's about time for straight people to give us a little wiggle room?

Pain Is Recycled As Gratitude

2010-03-30T11:55:00.000-06:00

Did your country just get bombed? Did your parents just die? Did you just lose your job? Did you just get evicted? Did your car just get blown up out in a parking lot? Did your fiancée just cheat on you and then leave you, now treating you like you are a dirty, worthless disease? Did your partner just get in a fatal accident? Did you just lose a loved one after a long, slow, painful battle with a crippling disease? Are you having trouble coming up with enough money to pay only your rent, utilities and food? Did you just skip into your father’s room at age 8 only to find that “Daddy’s not waking up” because of a heart attack caused by a drug overdose…and then were forced into the foster care system to be looked after by someone you hate? Do you live in poverty and squalor, being harshly oppressed because of the gender you were born into? Have you ever been raped? Have you ever been ambushed, beat up, hospitalized and on top of that, wrongfully taken to court because you are a “dirty faggot”? Or worse, were you, at age 14, because of your sexuality, kidnapped by kids only a few years older than you, dragged out to a fencepost, beaten to a bloody pulp, and left for dead in the middle of Wyoming, wondering when your last breath may come…until it finally did?

We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.

We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?

I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.

I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.

Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.

Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…

-Ryan

Relief Next To Me

2010-03-27T21:33:00.002-06:00

Ah, getting that last blog out felt good...Having a virtual place to vent all my shit is nice, since I don't have that in "real life," and then I don't have to carry around my shit, who I'm really not, just all the stories I write in my head...Today has been AMAZING. Honestly, I'm too lazy to elaborate, but suffice it to say that I had a "fourgy" today with the earth and the sky and light, and it was supernaturally beautiful.

<3

I'm a bitch. I'm a sober fucking bitch.

2010-03-26T13:11:00.004-06:00

I like to lie to myself, and to others (which is just dumb 'cause many can see through it) and say that when I get inebriated, I'm a bitch. And I can be that way because it's "acceptable" to be obnoxious when you're smashed. But reality is that I do it in sobriety and pretend it's still acceptable, because I masquerade it -- very lightly -- as confidence or power or deserved arrogance, and what it really is bitchiness, plain and simple. I've always been good at lying to and manipulating people, emotions, situations, words, thoughts, whatever it may be that I need to manipulate...
I've always been scared of being wrong and being imperfect. If I'm either of those, then I'll get hurt...I'll be beat...so I need to defend myself when I lose...I'm weak, physically, so there's no way I can defend myself physically from getting beat, but I'm amazingly intelligent! I'm superior to everyone in intelligence! So if I'm suddenly wrong or imperfect, I'll just manipulate words...I'll manipulate YOUR THOUGHTS so that I win, so that I'm right, so that I am the best, and I will have won the game and taken your mind away from hurting me for my imperfection. Double whammy! And now I'm even noticing I don't do it only in extreme circumstances to protect myself from pain...nor do I do it solely in situations where I consciously want to win something or beat someone, but I do it subconsciously...to my most loved ones...I'm just a bitch to them, with basically no purpose...just because it's now become my MO. I treat people with disrespect constantly because I am filled with lack. I feel soulless, so when I encounter others with soul, I must bring them down. I feel passionless, so when I encounter others with passion (which is basically everyone really...), I must bring them down...I feel hopeless, so when I encounter someone with hope, I feel a need to bring them down...I feel like I lack oneness with creativity and with talent and with value, so any time I feel like I'm not creating enough value, or using the talents I "should" have, I feel like hell and I feel like I have no purpose, and I question life and I mope, and I hate life, and then I need to bring down everyone around me. I feel a NEED to be a fucking cunt. And that's not even the harshest words for what I feel....I feel like I'm supposed to at that point bring hell to people's lives, and make them feel like complete shit, and disconnect from them and make them feel like they're not even worth my time or worth a look in the eyes, and definitely not worth any emotion, and I hate it, I fucking hate feeling like this and then having my mom come in the room and I don't even look her in the eyes and I'm short with her and I'm hell. Mr. Robot Ryan kicks in and it's time to be efficient, because that matters more than anything in the world....efficiency and my own self having fun, that's all that really matters in the world to me, above all else, based on my actions, and really, that's how it feels in my heart, and then I look at how I treat people and think "God, shouldn't I be better than this???" but I don't feel it often. I feel it now. I feel right now that I treat everyone else like pieces of shit...buried underneath dirt...that I would never want to be around...and it hurts...but much of the rest of the time, I don't feel anything about it, or else I just feel a fleeting moment of pain or sadness or actually anger at myself because of the way I feel making that decision and that action, but then I remember "Well, efficiency and myself are the only two things in this world that matter." God, I'm fucked up. And this is bitchy, maybe, but I want to make sure you all know this isn't a pity blog, it's simply me getting out all that I am.

Comment-posting FYI

2010-03-22T23:54:00.002-06:00

Don't worry, I didn't institute the comment moderation to limit your comments. In fact, I'd LOVE the opposite of that...I'd LOVE to constantly be hearing your perspectives. The only reason I changed it such that I check all the comments before I publish them is just to make reading your comments (and realizing which ones are the new ones) easier on me. That's all. Lol. So go ahead and comment away!!

Bucket List Pre-Wrap-Up

2010-03-22T14:07:00.002-06:00

Okay, so sometime last year (I'm assuming on June 25th...), I created this bucket list for myself, but instead of making a list of what I wanted to accomplish before I die, I figured I'd spice it up and make a list of what I wanted to accomplish just within this year. It would give me a more defined goal and timeline, and would better motivate me to achieve these things. Now, my deadline is June 25th, which is only 3 months away, so I figured I'd recalibrate my engines, so to speak, and see what has been accomplished and what hasn't.

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)

1. Learn Italian -NO
2. Learn French -NO
3. Have completed my personal brand -YES
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand. -NO
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile. -NO
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve. -NO
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value. -NO
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit. -NO
9. Live a self-disciplined life. -YES
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life. -YES
11. Live healthily. -NO
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred. -NO
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances. -NO
14. Read King James’ Bible. -NO
15. Study Buddhism. -NO
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.” -YES
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”]. -NO
18. Save money wisely. -YES
19. Spend money wisely. -YES
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me). -TO BE DISCUSSED LATER IN THE BLOG...
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month. -NO
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa. -NO

Now, upon grading my efforts, I noticed myself wanting to slip into "Well, no, buuuut..." or "Well, I kinda did that one..." and the truth came down to "NO. I DID NOT DO THIS ONE. END OF STORY." because that's all it really ends up being-- a story. Now, I'm not going to completely discount the story, because there's value to be found in it. However, I get in my way of improving the quickest if I grade it initially as "Kinda" instead of simply the black-and-white truth, which is "No."
For example, if I spend time thinking "kinda" about something, then I put it off, because I think "Well, I have already made some progress on this one, so I'm okay, and I can skip to another one and make some kinda progress over there..." whereas if I grade it as a "No, I've not yet accomplished this one," then I know there is still work to be had, and that it is important to me to accomplish, because I'm being real with my thoughts...I'm lining myself up more powerfully with reality.
ON THE OTHER HAND, in telling the story, or giving my excuses, I can give myself nominal credit for what I may have accomplished while identifying exactly where I need to improve to complete the task. If I solely grade one item with "Yes" or "No," I don't give myself any indication on where to improve.

So, now, here are my stories, and what I am learning from them [take note that some don't have stories, there just "NO" plain and simple]:

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)

1. Learn Italian -NO

2. Learn French -NO..BUT when I went to Iceland, I talked with a French girl from Belgium, so that counts. So what I learned is that I provide myself with ample opportunities to do what I want to do, but out of fear, I step back from the opportunity and watch others do it instead. I mean, really how many people have the chance to spend 2 weeks straight with people from France, Canada, Taiwan, Japan, Slovakia, Austria, Italy and Germany? If I really applied myself and stepped out of my comfort zone, I could have learned a bit of all their languages, come to think of it!

3. Have completed my personal brand -YES.

4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand. -NO. BUT I DID create a survey to send out to all of my FB friends to give me feedback on my personal brand. And then I never sent it out. Why? Oh, because I got lazy, and then I gave myself excuses, and agreed with those excuses, and then tossed it out of my brain.

5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile. -NO. BUT I did fix one thing in my friend's car once, and the thought "I have a sister who works at Jiffy Lube, so technically I don't NEED to learn about cars, 'cause she can always help me." got in my way. Oh, and the fact that I decided that the only place I could learn about cars was at a class at SLCC but it was too much money for the effort and value, and I couldn't find one that was geared toward beginners. Instead of seeing all that as signs that I was wrong in believing I could only learn it at SLCC, I chose to just give up on accomplishing this one.

6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve. -NO. But I seriously do need to get this shit done. I found this thing online a few weeks ago about the "Presidential Award in Service" and a couple other nationally-recognized awards I could (easily) obtain for how much I serve, and I still didn't let that motivate me to adequately complete this one...but yeah, I'm motivated now, because I probably volunteer roughly 200 hours a month (as a starting ballpark figure...)

7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value. -NO. This one was difficult for me to grade as a NO because I keep all my receipts when I donate something, and I notate on the receipt how much the value is, so technically, I could easily say YES for this one, right? Well, when I initially wrote this on my "bucket list," I had in mind that I would document this (and the one above) in Excel spreadsheets for easy housekeeping, and I haven't taken that step yet, so to be in integrity with myself, I just couldn't say YES on this one...which totally sucked to be THAT close to being able to say YES on one of them, but not, because I really only went 90% on it...That's one lesson...Another is that I noticed that it is easier for me to fudge things a little and create that false sense of accomplishment rather than aligning with reality, when I don't create the goal as specifically as possible. I mean, when I initially wrote this goal, I was tired and it was late so I wrote it so that everyone else would understand what my goal was, and in my head, I knew that I wanted it on a spreadsheet and all, but 9 months later, my pre-wrap-up comes around and I could have easily fudged that because I didn't have it set in stone, detailed exactly and specifically what I really wanted to accomplish...

8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit. -NO. This one just plain sucks to have said NO to because I was so passionate about it at the time I wrote this.

9. Live a self-disciplined life. -YES

10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life. -YES

11. Live healthily. -NO. I was so happy to say YES to this one because I've started P90X and I'm eating more healthily and I've really started living more healthily than before I initially wrote this goal, and then RIGHT as I was about to write "YES," I had a craving for a smoke, and I knew in good faith, as long as I am still smoking, I cannot say YES to this one. It totally sucked to have to change my answer here at the last second.

12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred. -NO. This is one thing that I really wanted to do before, and now I just see it as kind of shallow and a waste of money and resources in general, so part of me is glad to have put a NO on this, and I will actually be striking it from my list in the future, 'cause it's just not me anymore...I mean, yes, I LOVE to party, and I love to be the center of attention, and I love event planning, BUT right now it's just not a priority to me. I think that partly stems from when I had the epiphany with Alex that I didn't care anymore to obsess over the wedding plans, and he could just do it all with minimal input from me...it was just too much stress and "to-do" for one day, so I gave up my share of it. I think this is the same feeling...

13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances. -NO. But this is a priority to me. not right now, and I'm not sure it will be before the end of June, but definitely before fall comes around, so we'll see what steps I end up defining with this one..

14. Read King James’ Bible. -NO. Ugh. This just seems more like a chore to me than even a goal...I put this one here, and the one below it, because over the course of my life, I wanted to learn as much about religions as I can, so I could be on the adequate -- if not higher -- level with people when it came to these discussions, and also because religion dominates history, and I'm kind of a history buff, but I don't feel the sense of urgency anymore to actually do this. I mean, yeah, I'll end up learning about all the religions before I die, but I don't feel the urgency to do it all as soon as I can and before I turn 30 at the latest, like I did before. There just seems to be so much more to my life now than reading old books.

15. Study Buddhism. -NO. See number 14.

16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.” -YES. This was easy to say YES to, haha.

17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”]. -NO. Then again, as it's only been 9 months, I only need to have read 4 books, and I may have done that...but I don't know for sure off the top of my head, so I figured the best thing to do would to put NO, 'cause then I'm not hyping myself up and ironically simultaneously selling myself short on the experience.

18. Save money wisely. -YES. GO ME!

19. Spend money wisely. -YES. GO ME!

20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me). -TO BE DISCUSSED LATER IN THE BLOG... Okay...I didn't feel like answering this with YES or NO was adequate, because I've learned so much about money since I initially created this goal, in that money is not to be known...I always thought money was powerful, and money was soulless and heartless and I would always be victim to money. That's why I created this goal. I thought there HAD to be something I was missing, but I didn't know what, so I created my goal to be "Know money." (I know, it's totally vague, but that is the most specific I could get in that moment with my lack of knowledge regarding money at that time!) So, what I've learned is that money IS soulless and heartless, but not with the connotation with which I was associating it. It's just neutral, and I was throwing all my negativity and power onto it, and I was creating myself to be victim to money. I honestly don't even know how, but I'm in a different space regarding money, and don't see it as such (I wish I knew why exactly so I could assist others in getting here, but I have no clue yet!) So I could write Yes AND No as an answer here, and neither (nor do both) feel adequate as answers...

21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month. -NO. Still ruminating on this. I'd like to take more home than just $3,000, but I'm not sure if it's reality. And then the other part of me doesn't really care how much I take home, either, as long as I'm living and I'm traveling and enjoying every part of my life.

22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa. -NO. This made me laugh a bit and then feel a bit of pain and remorse in memory of Alex. And then I got over that tidbit of pain really quickly and didn't let it dominate the rest of my day, which was nice. This should be more of a long-term goal (like maybe a 5-year goal) for me, because I'd love to do it, but it's not an immense priority for me right now because I simply want to travel and not have to do any "work" while I'm doing it, which the research would feel like. Then again, it'd be wise to go on more than one trip as research anyhow, so maybe I can revise it to be simply a trip to Africa for the first time and then future times will be more research-intensive......

So, what are you noticing as you read this? About me and about you? I'm actually reeeeeeally interested in hearing your thoughts because A) I'm interested in you, B) I love learning about other people, C) I love learning about myself through other people's experiences of themselves, and D) I love learning about myself through other people's experiences of me.

Thank you, and I can't wait to hear from you!

Love, Joy, and Forward Movement

Are You Where You Wanna Be: The Prologue

2010-03-18T19:44:00.003-06:00

Where are you right now? This exact moment. Are you in a chair? Are you in your house? Are you in a karate studio? Are you in a hyperbaric chamber? Are you in the moment? Where are you RIGHT NOW? Are you where you want to be? If so, awesome! If not, where do you want to be? And what is the difference between where you are and where you want to be? Why are you exactly where you are?

For instance, right now I am in Salt Lake City, Utah, watching Marriage Ref with my mom. Yes, right now I enjoy where I'm at, in that I'm entertained and I enjoy my mom's company, and I like writing blogs. However, I know that tomorrow morning I will long for Cabo. La Playita. So now I get to take a look at what it is I want about Cabo...why I want to be there...and why I am in Utah. Then I get to take a look at why I am currently still in Salt Lake. Then, I get to look at what is standing in between me and the move....me and my actual decision -- and ACTION.

To be continued...........

Fulfillment comes from within.

2010-03-07T19:43:00.003-07:00

A lesson that's been a long-time coming.

It took me the circumstances of last night and the emotional effect this morning to really get that within myself. And I predict a stormy future with this lesson, as there always has been for me with each of my lessons :)

I don't need anyone who is around me to survive. I do not need to be victim to any outside circumstances. There are so many rules to be broken in this world, there's no need to obey them all, or any for that matter. Say President A set up a rule for me. And so now I have to follow it. Do I really? OF COURSE NOT. If I don't want to follow it -- if I'd instead like to create a future for myself that is different than what President A has assigned me -- then I have tons of options. Like what? Well, first off, I can move to another country that aligns better with my way of life. Or I can create clarity regarding what I want out of my country and change the laws thusly. And there are other options available.

On a politically charged sidenote, I am sick of having a majority of ignorant, disrespectful people decide what I can do with my life.
I tell you now, and you can hold me to it, I will create an empire before I go. And it will be full of respect and love and competition and fulfillment and safety.

I'm drunk. I'm a drunk fucking bitch.

2010-03-06T23:47:00.003-07:00

I sit here at a really good friend's party and I'm sad...I'm wondering what love has to offer up to me...I want one man so bad it fucking HURTS. And I'm confused why I will never be good enough for him. He loves me, we get along, we are great together as people, but for him, something isn't clicking, I guess....what is it?... I want to be able to create it for him, and for me. Sigh...

This year's word is humility. I am learning, over and over and OVER again, different aspects of humility within myself and it hurts. It really does. Who knew humility would hurt? I didn't...I just thought it was something that just was. I didn't ever think it would hurt me to be it...I just....I don't get it. I wanna get it. I want to be able to be the maker of my world..I want to be the one who creates everything in his life, and I can't create this. I can't make him be in love with me. And after 5 desperate years, he seems to be even more resolved in the fact that he doesn't, and that he shouldn't. And that I shouldn't. I just love him. That's all. With my heart and soul and everything that I can be, I LOVE HIM. So why can't he love me? I just don't get it.

Who knew P90X would open up my soul?

2010-03-05T17:17:00.004-07:00

Blog Buddies:

K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).

This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!

A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.

As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.

All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)

--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom

Are You Half An Ass?

2010-02-03T12:34:00.003-07:00

I have experienced living half-assed for quite a while now. Without thinking very far back, I can ballpark it to about age 10 -- 13.5 years now. When my parents divorced -- and more aptly, when I internalized that my father rejected me -- I started to live life on autopilot. I was smart enough so I didn't even have to go to half my classes to get a decent grade. This continued on into college. I actually got approached by a professor who was bewildered and confused about what action to take; his syllabus indicated attendance as an integral piece of the successful grade-getting puzzle, but I was coming in just for the test and acing the class...he didn't know how he should grade me (what can I tell you, I am always pushing up against people's beliefs about what reality "should be" and what reality actually is lol).

For the longest time I blamed my inability to perform to my best on a number of things, including but not limited to: TIME (I mastered the ability to align my life with time and timeliness and then completely rejected it), ATTENTION (for MUCH too long I have "needed" attention and praise to "motivate" me -- by "motivate" I simply mean "keep me going until the next experience in which I was then starved for attention"), PERFECTION (I always needed to be beautiful, intelligent, right, inspiring, happy, real, successful, good enough...but not just that -- the MOST beautiful, intelligent, right, inspiring, happy, real, successful and good enough that was possible. No one could ever be better than me. If so, I was a failure and there was hell to pay within myself, and then I would manifest that without), CLARITY, OTHERS' OPINIONS/ACCEPTANCE (FYI: this, coupled with perfection, was my largest and most resilient downfall).

I'm typing this to make it even more real for myself. And I'm hoping that you will learn from it and that you will take it into your life and begin applying it if it rings true for you. But mostly, I'm writing it for me.

I've lived too long being half an ass. I'd rather just not be an ass at all (is that perfection coming in, though?) --> Oh, that points out a great aspect of my half-assed-ness that I forgot to mention. I would always worry myself to death, criticizing myself to death, and picturing the worst that could happen to keep myself from inaction. Also, I always focused my energy and my vitality even on the benefit and the "helping" of others and I never focused enough on me. Here is a tricky part for me to describe. There's the whole "live for yourself, 'cause it's not (the bad version of) selfish" conversation that I'm not quite sure really sinks in to anyone's brain...and I know it didn't for me...but that's not even quite what I mean when I say I never lived for myself...I THOUGHT I was living for me. That's where the shit was hitting the fan. I fooled myself into believing that I cared so much about a person or an organization that I would drop anything to help them or make ridiculous sacrifices to my personal integrity to make sure they felt okay. I actually believed THAT was my nature. The truth I see now is that everyone is capable of making their own choices and living in their own beliefs and realities and I hinder their growth and their future power by living half-assed and supporting them in THEIR half-assed-ness, if they were even that close...

When my dad left, I felt punished for not being good enough, though I had no real evidence that I WASN'T good enough. That, for some odd reason, was the first story that popped into my head in the very first moment I heard he left. I have been living that belief for over 13 years...more than half of my life...

I am finally discovering that I am good enough to be who I want to be, and I am teaching myself that, experience by experience. My life is changing dramatically as I connect with all this evidence. It really is beautiful right now, and the neophyte I am is afraid it will go away and I won't know how to regain it. But the truth is that I will know how to regain it, because I have just now learned how to gain it with no precedent. This time, if it slips, I will have a precedent to remember and to rely on for inspiration to find my way forward to where I want to live.

Good news.

If you're happy and you know it,

2010-02-02T21:54:00.001-07:00

CLAP YOUR HANDS!!

I Can't Go Home

2010-01-27T23:42:00.002-07:00

It reminds me of fear. It reminds me of pain. Because of love. It reminds me of all the beauty and all the hideousness that hides within us. It reminds me of anger and sadness, and light and fun. It reminds me of the sweetest, gentlest kisses I've ever tasted and the bittersweet remorse of winning the battle but getting massacred in the war. I feel death's cold stare, and I weep for it. I weep for me, and for Alex, and all that was, could have been and wanted to be. I hate that we cut short our love. We stood there, over the hospital bed, knowing that full responsibility of choice lay heavy on our shoulders, and on our minds. The pain comes from one ripping the cord out and one screaming to plug it back in while doing his best to resuscitate death. I can't go home tonight. I don't know when I can return to that lonely lair, and when to embrace the fear I feel so vulnerably. I'm fading now...fatigue is settling in, gripping me and thrusting me toward its demons. I think now is when. I think now is the time for me to go home.

Breathe Through It

2010-01-27T22:53:00.003-07:00

Tonight, I need to write. Crying can't be the only way I get it out of me. But I block myself. Crying hurts enough to feel good, but it doesn't hurt as much as admitting the truth. Crying allows me to bring up a possible truth, think about it instantly and move on to hurting and releasing. Writing involves thinking. It means I sit on the pain as I vocalize everything that could be real.

What happened? That is turning out to be the theme as the end of our relationship truly unfolds and I do my best to look back through the pain and fear and sift out just that...what happened. I recognize things I did that were wrong...yet I can't get past the mystery. Everything I am accountable for just doesn't seem to me to be "bad enough" to warrant him lying to me, cheating, and telling me "It's not fixable." It doesn'y justify his giving up on love. It doesn't help me sleep at night when all I can think about -- what haunts me even in the furthest reaches of my dream-life -- is how he looked at me and saw love. He felt love. He was true, beautiful, perfect love. And how he so quickly forgot how to connect with love. He SO easily was able to choose deceit and pain and distance over love. All I do is sit here wondering what happened? What the fuck did I do? Everyone tells me "Oh, it's not your fault, oh don't worry it's all him, oh this or that" and it doesn't help. When all the advice I hear is "You really just have to take it one day at a time and you will be okay" and I sit there thinking "Yeah, well what if I can't even last a whole day?" There are times I don't even know how to last a minute. Just a minute. I panic...and I bawl my liveliness out...and I think about how much of a fuck-up I am...and I try to stay calm and drive even though I can't see, 'cause if I pull over to cry, I'll be late for work, and if I'm late for work, I won't be able to pay rent, and if I don't pay rent, I'll be homeless and if I'm homeless I'll hate myself even more than I already do which is virtually unfathomable at this point. When will it stop hurting? When will my friends really show up for me? When the fuck will someone ELSE help ME out?..help me in standing up?? When I'm coiled up on the floor, crying until I'm dehydrated, my legs weak and immobile, when will someone come to me and tell me that they love me and will be there for me -- and then follow through with some action?? "I love you" is hollow. Anyone can say that. "Oh, hope you're okay....well, anyway, I gotta go!" is bullshit. Really. It is. Where is the love? Where the fuck is all the love? And where the fuck is mine? 'Cause I just don't feel it. I want someone who loves me enough to insist that they take me out to dinner, and we go somewhere I can cry without looking foolish, and who is willing to take me home afterward and just sit there, listening and rubbing my back for four hours while I just simply cry, and scream, and writhe in my pain and my fear and my loneliness. 'Cause I know it would be a lot easier to do all that with someone else showing up for and supporting me than it would be to do it alone every night like I am right now.

BLOG, the Second

2009-10-23T18:24:00.003-06:00

I realize now that the “Yearlong Bucket List” I posted (and then revised and re-posted later) was – in both incarnations – total hype. Wishful thinking. Additionally, I didn’t take advantage of some great opportunities I had because in those moments I was circumstantially driven rather than vision-driven. So I am now revising it and making it out of courage rather than hype. I am still learning, and this is a recurring lesson for me. I love that it is, by the way, because I know that my lack of vision-drivenness and detail-orientedness are two HUGE barricades to the life I want to live. Thank you, Ryan, for creating such clarity in your life that you are able to once more whittle this list down to a more correct form.

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)

1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French
3. Have completed my personal brand
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand.
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile.
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
9. Live a self-disciplined life.
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life.
11. Live healthily.
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred.
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
14. Read King James’ Bible.
15. Study Buddhism
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.”
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”].
18. Save money wisely.
19. Spend money wisely.
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me).
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month.
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa.

For those who are curious what I end up deciding to do with the other items that remained on the old list: they are saved in a Word document on my Desktop and will be revised/revisited at a later date (probably within the month), at which point I will separate them into goals for future years. Once I’ve finished that process, I will post the lists up here.

With Honesty,

Ryan!