Tonight I had two epiphanies. The first was about trust and connections between humans. The second was about my fitness level (and lack thereof).
*Epiphany #1 -- Trust:
I was outside in my car, allowing myself the opportunity to chill out my overfried brain when across my brain drifted thoughts about dating. You see, the past two guys I have dated have told me they want to be with me but they choose not to because I "don't have my career figured out."
Sidenote: When the second guy told me that, I promptly went home, printed out 17 pages worth of my Career Map and handed it to him, with the challenge "Don't ever tell me I don't have my career figured out. This is only HALF of it." :)
I am SO sick of people giving me feedback that I don't know what's going on in my life, or that I have no clarity, because I do -- however I don't have the funds or connections to get my plans in motion. So then my brain zapped over to "Well, then why the hell can't they trust me that I have my shit figured out??" and the other side of my brain automatically fired out an answer: "Because you have nothing to prove it to them. You hadn't mapped out your career until just recently, therefore you currently have no solid proof that your plans will come to fruition...a couple months from now, as my Career Map successfully unfolds, they will see that they can trust me."
Truthfully, at that point I got a little upset that they couldn't just trust me since I am the most upfront, forthright and trustworthy person they've ever encountered, and I cross-examined myself with: "Well, take a look at you, for example. When you start dating people, do you just naturally trust them?" "Yes," I responded proudly and triumphantly until I responded to myself again with "Really? Like, you would entrust your entire life and well-being to someone on the first date? Don't be ridiculous, you know that's not true." I agreed with myself, and added "I trust them -- to be a good human -- and then I look for things that can engender a really powerful bond based on habits that, as they interact with my belief systems, highlight and further create the type of trust where I could look at them and say 'I know I can trust you with my life and well-being.'"
The same thing goes with jobs. When I look at hiring someone to assist me in fulfilling my vision, I am absolutely METICULOUS. I don't want to give the job to just anyone, I want to make sure they will be able to lead their part of my vision to glorious success, and I base this largely on their resume, if they are not someone whose talents and history I already know and trust. Yet when I apply and interview at jobs, I get frustrated because I know I can do the job but I may not have had EXACT titular history in the position, though I have performed the EXACT duties necessary -- but they want to see a resume that has the exact titles for instance, because they are looking to invest their trust in me, and they don't want to make a misstep. And let's face it, the only people in an organization who are willing to risk anything are the entrepreneurs themselves, and sometimes their investors...not the management or other under-employees.
So I respect their position. I respect Man #1 and #2 for not seeing something in me that aligns with their values enough such that they could invest in me their trust. And I will respect #3 -- the guy who is currently interested in me that I just started dating -- if he feels the same way. It is only human to base the strength of our CONNECTIONS in TRUST.
*Epiphany #2 -- Fitness:
I realized tonight that I have always held this belief that being fit means that I am weak. Uh, can we just pause there for a second and all together laugh at how ridiculous that belief is?? LOL! I literally stopped in my tracks when I realized I had that belief. How could being fit possibly mean that I am weak? I have two clues to possible derivations of this far-fetched belief.
First, when I had money, I signed a 2-year contract with Gold's Gym (and then barely used it), and forgot about it, so it went into collections. I have been battling with them to pay off their exorbitant fees and cycles for about 3 years now!
In his book, "Killing Sacred Cows," Garrett Gunderson talks about the different types of liabilities: productive, consumptive and destructive. Though a gym membership is typically a productive liability, in my case, it was somewhere between consumptive and destructive...I got it because I had the money to afford it and I thought having one might make me want to work out [consumptive] -- but I only desired adding the idea of working out to my mind because I wanted to be skinny and feel pretty [destructive]. Since then, after watching my bank account being completely zapped to zero by Gold's, it is possible I decided that altogether, fitness was a bad thing and should be avoided.
Second, exercising has never felt good to me. It has always seemed like WORK and I always feel tired and energy sapped after working out. Also, when I did work out, I didn't do it consistently, and I didn't eat healthily, so any possible visible benefits that I could have received from it didn't register to me. As pointed out in my last blog, being anorexic seemed like a more valid choice because I could readily see myself getting skinnier as a result, plus the added benefit of not having to eat or buy food or work to make enough money to be able to eat properly, if at all...it obviously came out as the winner because it was much easier! However, that took a toll on me mentally that I would have never foreseen. So all of this means that working out is definitely bad for me! Haha. Yes, that's what I thought.
However, now as I am going to yoga, I am feeling pretty refreshed afterward, and I know I worked strenuously at it, but I feel good at it and can't wait to go back because I feel proud of myself for doing things I didn't think I could do, and for getting through times I thought would be too tough for me! Now I can look at fitness with a healthy mindset, realize it is truly a good thing, and desire to do it, knowing it will add much more to my life than would not being physically fit.
That's all for tonight, love you all! :)
Apollo
2.08.2011
Healthy Anorexia
Three or four years ago, I decided to be anorexic. I hated my body, I hated my sexuality, I hated everything about me, and thought the best way to start being able to control myself and my life and the way people saw me was to be skinny, and the only way I could do that was to stop eating. As I began this, I started to notice that people took concern when they saw me simultaneously getting a lot skinnier and not buying food when we went out to eat. And inside I flipped out. I wanted to be skinnier, and I wanted people to think better of me, but they wouldn't think better of me if they knew I was anorexic. I had to find a way to cloak my disorder. So I stopped earning money. I guess I thought people perceiving me as poor would be better than as anorexic, and if I was poor, I had no excuse to not eat. Sure, other people could offer to buy me food, but I could very easily decline and then explain it away as me desiring to be gracious. Every one loves a good martyr, right? So just like that, I stopped eating, stopped earning enough money to pay for anything but rent and utilities, and I have continued on that path for the past four years.
The issue here, however, is not necessarily the anorexia. That was just a sick symptom of a larger dis-ease within me. Embodying anorexia gave me the opportunity to embody powerlessness, which in turn was magnified by my mental filters once I stopped earning proper wages to support my life. I became irresponsible with money to ensure that I would never have a surplus of funds to spend on food, which led to excessive debt. At the age of 19, I immaturely spent a $30,000 student loan my dad cosigned for me on clothes and furniture -- within three months -- and I wasn't working, so I was immediately evicted from my new apartment (so much for that furniture) and manipulated an ex into letting me live with her and a bunch of her friends on the cheap. I was living the high life as far as any gay was concerned (which was all I was concerned with). I had a nice house in Sugarhouse, $30K of clothes and furnishings inside it, had near to no body fat, had the hottest boyfriend any of my friends had ever seen, and was burning through condoms like they were going out of style. I was a king among lesser men. Finally, now that I'd been released from my family situation and the ideals they held about me, I could finally feel like the royalty I truly was. But the tide is an easy foe when it comes to sandcastles.
Reality came knocking and it slammed the door on the way out! Within two weeks, everything I thought I had -- the CONTROLLED fantasy life I had concocted for myself -- crashed down and I was left with nothing. I lost my job, I got kicked out of my place in Sugarhouse, my boyfriend is actually the one who arranged for me to be kicked out of my house, so needless to say, I lost him as well. And to top it all off, I was out of condoms! ;) I sat there wondering what I had and where I could go. All I had left, in my eyes, was my skinny body. These other things must have just been a couple strike-outs that had nothing to do with my current way of operating in life, right? Silly, I know, but this is what I thought to myself. However, as I'm sure you've learned from this story, by operating in anorexia, I was perpetuating the sickness inside of me that kept me small. So I went out and did it all again. I got a job I didn't like, I fucked any man that breathed, and I spent all of my money irresponsibly. Continuing to act from such spiritual invalidity only compounded my self-degradation like a skyrocketing 401(k).
Long story short, this cycle continued until this summer as I started to really take a look at my self-worth. I am changing the way I interact in my relationships, ascertaining the reason(s) I degrade myself to get sex and validation, and really coming to clarity on my disastrous relationship with money -- financial scarcity AND abundance. And this blog, thankfully, is here as a place for me to set it all out to be ironed. A huge shout-out to Al Gore for inventing the Internet! :P
The issue here, however, is not necessarily the anorexia. That was just a sick symptom of a larger dis-ease within me. Embodying anorexia gave me the opportunity to embody powerlessness, which in turn was magnified by my mental filters once I stopped earning proper wages to support my life. I became irresponsible with money to ensure that I would never have a surplus of funds to spend on food, which led to excessive debt. At the age of 19, I immaturely spent a $30,000 student loan my dad cosigned for me on clothes and furniture -- within three months -- and I wasn't working, so I was immediately evicted from my new apartment (so much for that furniture) and manipulated an ex into letting me live with her and a bunch of her friends on the cheap. I was living the high life as far as any gay was concerned (which was all I was concerned with). I had a nice house in Sugarhouse, $30K of clothes and furnishings inside it, had near to no body fat, had the hottest boyfriend any of my friends had ever seen, and was burning through condoms like they were going out of style. I was a king among lesser men. Finally, now that I'd been released from my family situation and the ideals they held about me, I could finally feel like the royalty I truly was. But the tide is an easy foe when it comes to sandcastles.
Reality came knocking and it slammed the door on the way out! Within two weeks, everything I thought I had -- the CONTROLLED fantasy life I had concocted for myself -- crashed down and I was left with nothing. I lost my job, I got kicked out of my place in Sugarhouse, my boyfriend is actually the one who arranged for me to be kicked out of my house, so needless to say, I lost him as well. And to top it all off, I was out of condoms! ;) I sat there wondering what I had and where I could go. All I had left, in my eyes, was my skinny body. These other things must have just been a couple strike-outs that had nothing to do with my current way of operating in life, right? Silly, I know, but this is what I thought to myself. However, as I'm sure you've learned from this story, by operating in anorexia, I was perpetuating the sickness inside of me that kept me small. So I went out and did it all again. I got a job I didn't like, I fucked any man that breathed, and I spent all of my money irresponsibly. Continuing to act from such spiritual invalidity only compounded my self-degradation like a skyrocketing 401(k).
Long story short, this cycle continued until this summer as I started to really take a look at my self-worth. I am changing the way I interact in my relationships, ascertaining the reason(s) I degrade myself to get sex and validation, and really coming to clarity on my disastrous relationship with money -- financial scarcity AND abundance. And this blog, thankfully, is here as a place for me to set it all out to be ironed. A huge shout-out to Al Gore for inventing the Internet! :P
1.18.2011
What I Learned From MLK, Jr.
Steve Nash (the infamously beautiful -- well, in my and Alex Fauver's eyes at least -- basketball player for the Phoenix Suns) currently has a contest going on his Facebook profile where you win something for writing on his page what is the most profound thing you learned from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Well, I love competition, and especially winning things from being in competition, and I feel like today is my lucky day, so I decided I'd write something on his wall. I sat there in silence for about 2 minutes, thinking. Just thinking. I could have posted anything really, anything bland like "He taught me that black people are awesome and we should all stand up for rights" like everyone else was posting (and, in my opinion, is really all that most white people gleaned from him), but I wanted to search myself and find what he really taught me, deep down into my most integral parts. I mean, he's not just Stephanie Myers or Angelina Jolie; he's more than just a popular figure. He was a man who stood for equality and progress and if he taught me anything, it couldn't have been anything shallow. Right?
So, after two minutes of thinking what he could have possibly taught me, I embraced that I TRULY learned nothing from him, so I began to ask myself why. I like black people (often more than I like white people, honestly), and I've always been incredibly partial to their struggle and wins. So how could I not learn something from one of the (if not "THE"?) most crucial historical figures in African American culture? I went back to my memories of schooling. What did we learn about him here in good ol' counter-culturally oppressive Utah in grade school (and even all the way up to high school)? All I remember learning was that he was a black guy in the '60s who stood up for Rosa Park's rights and then got killed some time around when JFK got killed, which segued into us learning about JFK and then completely basically forgetting about this "MLK" guy. And I'm not joking...that is (INCREDIBLY sadly) the base of what we learned about MLK. I know of people who think his name is just Martin Luther King. I know of people (inside and outside of my state) who don't know the difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King, Jr. Really, people??? REALLY??? What have WE learned about MLK, Jr.??
What have I learned from Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, I have learned the longevity that systemic racism holds in this country. I have learned that many people will make false claims of unconditional love and understanding, and not even realize the whole time that they are B.S.'ing us (and sadly themselves). I have learned that no matter how important and relevant your cause may be, that if you stand up for something that is unpopular, you will at some point be suppressed, your words and your art suffocated in their intensity. I have learned that even though he caused MASSIVE changes in American society, the deepest, dankest, scariest parts of racism still dwell in our social structure, like malignant cells waiting to snatch the next cell that drifts by. I have learned how people hide from their worst enemies -- their ego and their fear of being perfectly imperfect -- in order to carve out this pretend reality for themselves, all in hopes of being "happy" (though they actually settle into being "just okay"). And I think the most important thing I have learned today from MLK, Jr. is how proud and grateful I am to not be one of those people.
I will always shine my light -- in EVERY moment (whatever color, shade or strength it may be) -- because it takes light to make the darkness cower, and vice-versa. I will always keep my consciousness on not allowing the darkness to inspire me to cower. So, I guess today, from Martin Luther King, Jr., I have truly learned the brilliance of my own power. Thank you, Dr. King.
-- Apollo
So, after two minutes of thinking what he could have possibly taught me, I embraced that I TRULY learned nothing from him, so I began to ask myself why. I like black people (often more than I like white people, honestly), and I've always been incredibly partial to their struggle and wins. So how could I not learn something from one of the (if not "THE"?) most crucial historical figures in African American culture? I went back to my memories of schooling. What did we learn about him here in good ol' counter-culturally oppressive Utah in grade school (and even all the way up to high school)? All I remember learning was that he was a black guy in the '60s who stood up for Rosa Park's rights and then got killed some time around when JFK got killed, which segued into us learning about JFK and then completely basically forgetting about this "MLK" guy. And I'm not joking...that is (INCREDIBLY sadly) the base of what we learned about MLK. I know of people who think his name is just Martin Luther King. I know of people (inside and outside of my state) who don't know the difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King, Jr. Really, people??? REALLY??? What have WE learned about MLK, Jr.??
What have I learned from Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, I have learned the longevity that systemic racism holds in this country. I have learned that many people will make false claims of unconditional love and understanding, and not even realize the whole time that they are B.S.'ing us (and sadly themselves). I have learned that no matter how important and relevant your cause may be, that if you stand up for something that is unpopular, you will at some point be suppressed, your words and your art suffocated in their intensity. I have learned that even though he caused MASSIVE changes in American society, the deepest, dankest, scariest parts of racism still dwell in our social structure, like malignant cells waiting to snatch the next cell that drifts by. I have learned how people hide from their worst enemies -- their ego and their fear of being perfectly imperfect -- in order to carve out this pretend reality for themselves, all in hopes of being "happy" (though they actually settle into being "just okay"). And I think the most important thing I have learned today from MLK, Jr. is how proud and grateful I am to not be one of those people.
I will always shine my light -- in EVERY moment (whatever color, shade or strength it may be) -- because it takes light to make the darkness cower, and vice-versa. I will always keep my consciousness on not allowing the darkness to inspire me to cower. So, I guess today, from Martin Luther King, Jr., I have truly learned the brilliance of my own power. Thank you, Dr. King.
-- Apollo
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