Ah, getting that last blog out felt good...Having a virtual place to vent all my shit is nice, since I don't have that in "real life," and then I don't have to carry around my shit, who I'm really not, just all the stories I write in my head...Today has been AMAZING. Honestly, I'm too lazy to elaborate, but suffice it to say that I had a "fourgy" today with the earth and the sky and light, and it was supernaturally beautiful.
<3
3.27.2010
3.26.2010
I'm a bitch. I'm a sober fucking bitch.
I like to lie to myself, and to others (which is just dumb 'cause many can see through it) and say that when I get inebriated, I'm a bitch. And I can be that way because it's "acceptable" to be obnoxious when you're smashed. But reality is that I do it in sobriety and pretend it's still acceptable, because I masquerade it -- very lightly -- as confidence or power or deserved arrogance, and what it really is bitchiness, plain and simple. I've always been good at lying to and manipulating people, emotions, situations, words, thoughts, whatever it may be that I need to manipulate...
I've always been scared of being wrong and being imperfect. If I'm either of those, then I'll get hurt...I'll be beat...so I need to defend myself when I lose...I'm weak, physically, so there's no way I can defend myself physically from getting beat, but I'm amazingly intelligent! I'm superior to everyone in intelligence! So if I'm suddenly wrong or imperfect, I'll just manipulate words...I'll manipulate YOUR THOUGHTS so that I win, so that I'm right, so that I am the best, and I will have won the game and taken your mind away from hurting me for my imperfection. Double whammy! And now I'm even noticing I don't do it only in extreme circumstances to protect myself from pain...nor do I do it solely in situations where I consciously want to win something or beat someone, but I do it subconsciously...to my most loved ones...I'm just a bitch to them, with basically no purpose...just because it's now become my MO. I treat people with disrespect constantly because I am filled with lack. I feel soulless, so when I encounter others with soul, I must bring them down. I feel passionless, so when I encounter others with passion (which is basically everyone really...), I must bring them down...I feel hopeless, so when I encounter someone with hope, I feel a need to bring them down...I feel like I lack oneness with creativity and with talent and with value, so any time I feel like I'm not creating enough value, or using the talents I "should" have, I feel like hell and I feel like I have no purpose, and I question life and I mope, and I hate life, and then I need to bring down everyone around me. I feel a NEED to be a fucking cunt. And that's not even the harshest words for what I feel....I feel like I'm supposed to at that point bring hell to people's lives, and make them feel like complete shit, and disconnect from them and make them feel like they're not even worth my time or worth a look in the eyes, and definitely not worth any emotion, and I hate it, I fucking hate feeling like this and then having my mom come in the room and I don't even look her in the eyes and I'm short with her and I'm hell. Mr. Robot Ryan kicks in and it's time to be efficient, because that matters more than anything in the world....efficiency and my own self having fun, that's all that really matters in the world to me, above all else, based on my actions, and really, that's how it feels in my heart, and then I look at how I treat people and think "God, shouldn't I be better than this???" but I don't feel it often. I feel it now. I feel right now that I treat everyone else like pieces of shit...buried underneath dirt...that I would never want to be around...and it hurts...but much of the rest of the time, I don't feel anything about it, or else I just feel a fleeting moment of pain or sadness or actually anger at myself because of the way I feel making that decision and that action, but then I remember "Well, efficiency and myself are the only two things in this world that matter." God, I'm fucked up. And this is bitchy, maybe, but I want to make sure you all know this isn't a pity blog, it's simply me getting out all that I am.
I've always been scared of being wrong and being imperfect. If I'm either of those, then I'll get hurt...I'll be beat...so I need to defend myself when I lose...I'm weak, physically, so there's no way I can defend myself physically from getting beat, but I'm amazingly intelligent! I'm superior to everyone in intelligence! So if I'm suddenly wrong or imperfect, I'll just manipulate words...I'll manipulate YOUR THOUGHTS so that I win, so that I'm right, so that I am the best, and I will have won the game and taken your mind away from hurting me for my imperfection. Double whammy! And now I'm even noticing I don't do it only in extreme circumstances to protect myself from pain...nor do I do it solely in situations where I consciously want to win something or beat someone, but I do it subconsciously...to my most loved ones...I'm just a bitch to them, with basically no purpose...just because it's now become my MO. I treat people with disrespect constantly because I am filled with lack. I feel soulless, so when I encounter others with soul, I must bring them down. I feel passionless, so when I encounter others with passion (which is basically everyone really...), I must bring them down...I feel hopeless, so when I encounter someone with hope, I feel a need to bring them down...I feel like I lack oneness with creativity and with talent and with value, so any time I feel like I'm not creating enough value, or using the talents I "should" have, I feel like hell and I feel like I have no purpose, and I question life and I mope, and I hate life, and then I need to bring down everyone around me. I feel a NEED to be a fucking cunt. And that's not even the harshest words for what I feel....I feel like I'm supposed to at that point bring hell to people's lives, and make them feel like complete shit, and disconnect from them and make them feel like they're not even worth my time or worth a look in the eyes, and definitely not worth any emotion, and I hate it, I fucking hate feeling like this and then having my mom come in the room and I don't even look her in the eyes and I'm short with her and I'm hell. Mr. Robot Ryan kicks in and it's time to be efficient, because that matters more than anything in the world....efficiency and my own self having fun, that's all that really matters in the world to me, above all else, based on my actions, and really, that's how it feels in my heart, and then I look at how I treat people and think "God, shouldn't I be better than this???" but I don't feel it often. I feel it now. I feel right now that I treat everyone else like pieces of shit...buried underneath dirt...that I would never want to be around...and it hurts...but much of the rest of the time, I don't feel anything about it, or else I just feel a fleeting moment of pain or sadness or actually anger at myself because of the way I feel making that decision and that action, but then I remember "Well, efficiency and myself are the only two things in this world that matter." God, I'm fucked up. And this is bitchy, maybe, but I want to make sure you all know this isn't a pity blog, it's simply me getting out all that I am.
3.22.2010
Comment-posting FYI
Don't worry, I didn't institute the comment moderation to limit your comments. In fact, I'd LOVE the opposite of that...I'd LOVE to constantly be hearing your perspectives. The only reason I changed it such that I check all the comments before I publish them is just to make reading your comments (and realizing which ones are the new ones) easier on me. That's all. Lol. So go ahead and comment away!!
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