Birthday Blog!!

I know, my birthday is not OFFICIALLY until tomorrow, but I am just so excited for it!!!! :D This is the first birthday I've actually been excited for since I was, like, 5 maybe? I can't even remember. I remember I always looooovvvved Christmas, 'cause I got presents AND I got to see all my loved ones open their presents, too, and I always felt like my birthday was nothing special, and I half-wished that others would be getting presents on my birthday too.
This year, my birthday is all about me :) Yes, I will be spending it with all of my closest, dearest friends, and I will be having a raucous time around a bunch of other people, but it is my first conscious self-birth day. I am finally celebrating all that is me...no rejecting, not denying, no deflecting or lying, I am embracing all that is about me and taking it to the extreme :) So, yeah....HELLA excited!!! :D

Anyhow, I love this song by Switchfoot! This past year as I've been listening to it, I've felt it is so apropos as I culminate my 24th year here (I count being in the womb as a year of life, so technically, I feel that this birthday is the culmination of my 24th year, though I know in the "real world," I must continue to label myself as only 24 :)

Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLagfciU_PU

And the lyrics are posted below...enjoy! :)

"24"
by Switchfoot

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
Twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty-four dropouts
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago

Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."

There's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty-four strong

See I'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh, I am the second man
Oh, oh, I am the second man now
Oh, oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,
You're raising the dead in me."
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I wanna see miracles, see the world change...
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name,
For more than a feeling,
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,"
And You're raising the dead in me.

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts.
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms..."
Yeah, I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not, not copping out.

Pandora's Box

I've been playing in my relationships in a self-constructed box of drama and lies. I believed that if I could control everything in a relationship (and if not, then at least everyONE), then I would be in a successful relationship because I wouldn't be manipulated, therefore I wouldn't be hurt. But here's the clincher: I'm the one who decided that manipulation = pain. But it doesn't. Well, it does, but ONLY if I tell myself that story. If I don't believe that thought, then it doesn't hurt. Um, hi, Freedom, I have finally met thee. I came to this conclusion as I listened to Missy Higgins's song "Steer" and the following lyrics hit it home the deepest:

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
Though you control where you go,
You can't steer

It's like she was speaking directly to me in this moment, and I took on those lyrics as a part of me in order to reflect back to myself how I behave. Long have I been manipulating and "controlling" others -- lying to myself that I am controlling them, when such a thing is not possible, because we are ALL granted with agency, and I do not hold a more powerful version of agency than anyone else holds, though I've long told myself I do.

I've spun out in these circles ever since my dad left, out of nowhere, absolutely a surprise. If he could leave out of nowhere, so could someone else -- unless I actively spent all my energy on preventing them from doing so. At this young age, I didn't realize he left because he CHOSE to. Though I blamed myself, it had nothing to do with me. His choice (and subsequent choices to further push himself away from his past life) were indications to me in my developmental stages that I was sick, bad and wrong and wasn't doing enough to keep him around. And I wouldn't have this again. I would manage every relationship from that point forward to ensure that they did not leave until I was ready, at which point I would fiercely push them away.

I went on a couple dates with this guy recently, and I fell hard. He didn't trust me, and so I went into control mode. "I want to make SURE he learns he can trust me! I want to be the one who saves him from the darkness he is currently experiencing, and then when I do that, he will want to be with me forever because I am sooooo full of light!" (Yes, I too am gagging at these thoughts as I see them in the light of truth). And what happened was my efforts pushed him away because he didn't want to be controlled. My attempts to control the situation came off as (and I now see that they really were) attempts to control HIM, and he wanted none of that, so I pushed him further and further from trusting me. How beautiful is the irony of life?

So now I am analyzing myself and my actions, to see what I can learn from them. And what I have learned is that I need to just BE. I can just be me, and still be safe. I don't need to keep my guard up, thinking someone will disappear, and then prove my beliefs right by pushing the person away. I can just trust that as I engage with him (or anyone else for that matter), that life will continue to be life just as it always has been, and that I can go with the flow of it without freaking out that the other shoe is going to drop. Because WHAT IF it drops? What if all these things I'm afraid of actually DO happen? With certainty, some of them will happen because they are aspects of life.

But it is no longer about controlling life. I see now that I have constructed this box, and it is time for me to step out of it. In this way, I can be my true potential and trust myself and trust others and enjoy life. So here we go and we'll see what happens! :D

Walking On The Moon

"Walking On The Moon"
by Apollo Leonidas


I'm walking tonight
Alone again
I'm walking outside
Remembering you and the things you said.

I want you, I desperately feel you
But you are gone.
And I am weak,
I am wrong.

I'm walking again tonight,
But this time with no beauty by my side.
The bushes glare at my
Loneliness, my fear and my hurt inside.

The dark feels deep when you're not around.
The tears sting, rolling silently down.
The moon is loud, it quiets the stars
Their light can't be seen this far.

Much like yours to my eyes,
We shade ourselves in fear.
We stab, we run, and we fly.
No closer do we get when we try to steer.

I hear that I am missed.
No one respects a liar.
I lie here: churning, hurting, dying...
You lie there: scared, sad, wasting your gifts.
No one respects a predator.
You hear nothing but lying.

I'm walking again,
Wishing you were with me.
And I write these words, Hoping
You won't come.

I'm begging, alone tonight,
Knees in the grass, bent to love.
Your face stays clean,
Your voice remains quiet.

You are like this late winter breeze
And you wear Robert Frost well.
I see your heart so you hang me
By my tongue and my heart swells.

And I'm walking alone again tonight.
I search for warmth, somewhere to call home.
I seek and don't find. You don't seek and don't find.
Maybe there's really nothing out there, just the lonely road.

Tonight, I will just walk.
I will wish for the best, as I close my eyes.
The night remains dark;
The moon shuts off its light.