One-Two-Step

I get in my way, I step in front of myself in my path because I don't fully believe (yet) that I deserve to walk my path. That is only ever the impediment to my success. And I would wage that it is that simple for us all.

For instance, I went to the club the other day, met up with a friend, danced with him for a while and made out with him, and then afterward, I danced with and got to know his incredibly hot friend. At the end of the night, I was standing outside of the club with some friends, and I had two guys come up to me and hit on me and ask for my number and all that. Now, I'm not kidding you with this, this all happened, but the clincher of it all is that I chose to deny myself afterward instead of celebrate myself. I went looking HARDCORE for how I could prove that none of it ever happened. Seriously...'cause I wanted to prove to myself that no man that I find attractive, or of any quality, would actually be attracted to me.....and simply because that's what I've been used to telling myself over the last few years.

Second example: This weekend, I seriously considered moving back to Utah. I knew I didn't want to be in Utah, but I started second-guessing myself and stacking up an immense amount of negative thoughts against myself, and rationalized that going back to Utah was the mature thing to do, and that I could restart my life there, and be a big fish in a small pond instead of a small fish in a HUGE pond. Thankfully, Zeb Knudsen bitch-smacked me into realizing that I've been here, like a week or two or something (and I've been up in Utah or Vegas for like, 5 of those days even), and that I need to lighten up....I feel like a failure down here, as well I should, so I get that out of the way! :) And I feel rejuvenated after this weekend. I feel like I truly did get out of my way the "failure" concept and now I am ready to be a "creator" again (as GL terms it). I've known it was time for me to stop being victim to some shitty circumstances I had going on, and it took some tough-love from a friend to really push through it. So, Zeb, if you're reading this, thank you. You may not really know how much you impacted me in those approx ten minutes you took out of your day to chat with and care about me. Thank you.

"The search ends here where the night is totally clear, when you finally know that though you control where you go, you can't steer."
--Missy Higgins, from her song "Steer" on the album "On A Clear Night"

Day One of Utah-L.A. Move: Don't Turn Around!

Today as I was driving down to Vegas, I got to Manti and my stomach felt incredibly sick. I couldn’t decide what it was: that I was homesick already, or because I had driven past such a densely Mormon city (haha, bad joke, I know, whatever, lol).

All kidding aside, I knew there was something going on inside of me -- something that I didn't necessarily want to congront. Because I could tell I didn't want to confront it, I knew that I had to. I immediately picked up the phone and texted Sarah Brown. I told her I wanted to puss out and turn around and it was taking every piece of my fortitude to continue driving South. She coached me around selling out and being in hype and being one with what is, and challenged me to coach myself. That was the key. So many of my friends would simple console (which, by the way, I am grateful for). So many of my friends would simply provide me with bitter feedback (which I am also grateful for, to an extent). The key to my forward movement in my discourse with Sarah is that after she did both of those things, she finished by challenging me to coach myself.

Because of that, I identified for myself that I really wanted to keep going to L.A., I was just scared of the unknown. I was scared of being (virtually, though not wholly) on my own in a new city and I was scared of not being able to take care of (and HELP -- thank you, Sarah's Feedback) my mom and other loved ones in Salt Lake. And I identified that if all of that is REALLY (TRULY) important to me, I will create: I will attract to me the money that is necessary to visit my loved ones whenever I want (or feel the need), and am also right now becoming aware that I can still nurture my relationships via telecommunication (thank god for Facebook and Skype!)

So I finished out my day of driving with a stop in Las Vegas to visit the beautiful one and only Karli Markovitz! I got to relax there and chat (unfortunately briefly) with my Vegas-Love and then headed out to L.A. the next morning as she headed off to work...