The Flower and The Storm

Re-reading the post I wrote yesterday, I noticed a pattern. When I write here, I write about things I want to complain about, and I don't really offer to myself a solution, I simply complain. SOOOO many past events made sense to me when I realized that! I've had people tell me they think I think badly about myself (time and time again), and I haven't really understood why they'd think that...I've had people tell me I'm a total victim, and I'm incredibly not that, so it hasn't ever made sense....my readership has dwindled some, and I couldn't understand why, as I have been writing pieces lately that I feel are more active and dynamic. And then I read yesterdays' post, and things started to click.

I rarely feel like a victim when I get on here to write. Being vulnerable right now, I write here because I don't feel like I have people in my life who will listen to me bitch, whereas my blog will :) Everyone always wants to be inspired...they say they'd love to hear from me, and hear how things are going, and then the moment the conversation takes a turn into a place of vulnerable freedom for me -- when I start relating to them as a human, with flaws -- they no longer want to hear what it is I have to say. They don't want to have to deal with what I've got going on. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the truth of my reality...and from where I sit, I honor it as a valid choice...I know there are a lot of times in my life when I'm like "Hey, I've got a LOT going on in my own life right now, and as much as I would absolutely love to take time to console you, or listen to you, or show you that I care, I just don't feel like I have bandwidth for that right now unfortunately." And it doesn't mean I DON'T care about them, because I do. So I'm willing to concede when people don't have time for me. Which is one reason I blog all my woes on here. My blog ALWAYS has bandwidth for me. (I hope you guys enjoyed that technical pun :)

Anyhow, I see that people could see my complaining as being a victim, when I never propose a solution. This same sort of thing has always plagued me in relationships (meaning, my boyfriends/fiancee, not just "being IN relationship" with someone...) and communication in general...I do this thing where I talk to someone as if they know the other half of what is going on in my head. Lol. I unconsciously suppose that they know the narrative, the score, and the backstory of each character and situation. And then when they are lost during our conversation, I am wondering what the hell their problem is that they can't follow general conversation. And it only gets worse, usually, when it is conversation about heightened topics....lol. But I don't want to sit there and be like "Now, are you following me?..." or "Am I explaining this properly for you?...." after every paragraph (or less), treating them like they are kindergartners or something...Not only is it condescending, but it is also really inefficient. Lol.
Sooooo, how that relates is I never end up sharing the solution I decided on....I bitch about what's going on in life on my blog, because it is here to listen and then I craft a solution (usually) in my head based on what I shared and I internalize that solution and move on with it, and then recalibrate later on my blog. Mechanical, yes, I know...and that's not even, like, something I consciously came up with...it's just how my soul naturally works...lol.
Also, I know that I am a creator. I've gotten in my way A LOT regarding what I want to create, and actually believing in my ability to do so, but I KNOW I am a creator...not a victim. I'm still practicing how to create for my best.

I have felt bad about myself -- a lot -- in the past. And right now, I am figuring myself out...I am figuring out what is best for me, and in me, and what I like and want and need. So I can't tell you honestly right now where I stand on how I feel about myself, 'cause I have a lot of things going on in my head right now that I get to process :) OOOH look! Something SHINY!! ;D

And lastly, if any of these are reasons that you're readership (or, more unfortunately, friendship) has scaled back, I have a few requests for you.
First, please make your voice heard. Life is so much easier (for all of us) when we shout out to each other how to get out of our boxes rather than expect one another to have X-ray vision and see the directions that are posted on the outside of them. Plus, that is what the point of blogging is! Lol. To create a vocal culture, free to express everything we want, without anyone getting in our way (i.e., the FCC...). So please, vote with your voice. :)
Second, stay tuned...don't let me go the way of the LA Times just because I'm sounding like a victim...begin a dialogue with me to FULLY understand my perspective, and stay tuned for changes and evolution. :)

Love you all.

And, yes, I notice the irony in this blog that I'm "complaining" without proposing a solution (well, a solution for ME at least...). I don't feel the need to right now, so I'm not going to. :)

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo
:)

My Body Is Killing Me

As I sit here, I think about that phrase....

Here is the current physical condition of my body:
I've suddenyl developed allergies, out of nowhere....(WTF?..)
I'm possibly fevering
I have had a congested nose for about a week
I have had a runny nose for about a week
I've got a scratchy throat
I can barely move my back and spine where it's connected to my pelvis
My lower right bicep hurts any time that I raise it above my head too far
My neck is tighter than it has ever been, specifically on the right side
And my back is also annoyingly tight...

I sit here and think "My body is killlllliiiing meeeeee"
And then I think, "Well, yeah, that's true."
And then I ask myself, "K wait, what, Ryan??" Lol.
My body is outside of my actual self. It is always aging, always diseasing or not, always deteriorating, and my soul is inside, doing its thing. I wanna say it is always getting stronger and stronger. And I wonder at the paradox of this. Why is it that as our souls get stronger, our body gets weaker? Why can't we have it all? For me to evolve spiritually, I must deteriorate this body?
Ooh, interesting tangent: I just read my Facebook horoscope and it said: "There may be a health or emotional problem you have to deal with, and while that may be something of a challenge, it could turn out to be more than worth the effort." Crazy!

Anyway, back to the conversation.
I see hope in the deterioration of my body, in that I love to evolve, and I love to feel like I'm headed forward...but then again, I don't want to depart from this world. As I don't know what is next for us -- for me -- I don't want to just die at some point and not be around all these amazing people I have connected with throughout my life. Hmm...

Something that is frustrating me lately:
I feel like I'm evolving, and I'm being this amazing person, and I'm doing all these things that align with this amazing me, and yet my financial life does not reflect that. I have been teaching myself how to be financially successful, and I am not seeing any successes...in fact, I am seeing the exact opposite. I have never been poorer, I have never wanted to do so much and not been able to because of my financial state...and it totally sucks. But I am, in the meantime, doing everything I can to continue on and looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

So as I sit here, I wonder: Why can't I have it all? I hear others doing so. I learn at Great Life that it's possible, and I trust it. And then it doesn't happen, and I get a bit confused...I get a bit distraught...and I get a bit more hopeless...and I just keep pushing on, doing what I can to have it all. But I am not feeling it. What needs to happen for it to finally click? When will I have it all? Be it all...