I am afraid of people’s judgments. I have always known that I can be whatever I want to be, and I can do whatever I want to do, literally, ANYthing. I can pretty easily master anything as long as I put some effort into it. And I’ve forgotten that for a while. I’ve let my fear of how people will judge me get in my way of being truly who I am, and who I deserve to let the world see.
In my mind, I was absolutely perfect until I was 18. Yes, I know I’ve made mistakes, especially during my teen years, but I’d never viewed myself as a failure, or having failed. Then I turned 18, I realized I was gay, came out and I felt the weight of all my failures fall on top of me. I made a conscious choice to be a more authentic me and I felt crash on me all the blows to my perfection that I had longed pushed aside. At least, this is my theory. All I know is that at age 18, I started hating myself and believing myself to be one giant failure, and that coincides with the age I went to college and the age I came out.
I’ve wasted the last seven and a half years (one-third) of my life wallowing in my failures one at a time, accumulating interest as I went, and by this I have suffocated myself. I can very well coach others to break out of what they let suffocate them, and am just barely recognizing this about myself. To me that is ironic. An ironic blessing, I guess.
Tonight, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel like the bag is off my head, just that I’ve loosened my grip on it. I do not now feel like I am perfect in the manner I did before, but I know that I love myself, and I feel like I am able to make some headway on the last seven and a half years of my life. I can’t relive them, and I can’t change them, but I CAN change the route down which I am driving. I can change the little voices that are whispering to me from ones of judgment, guilt, lies, hatred and fear to ones of love, self-promotion, encouragement and truth.
So that’s where I’m going to start. Please join me along this journey.
I love you.
Ry
Showing posts with label new. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new. Show all posts
5.28.2010
9.07.2009
Reykjavik Syndrome -- or, more the opposite...
I am here in Reykjavik, and I feel totally alone. It sucks...Not being here, but feeling this. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I am here and have taken this little excursion..I just feel alone. It seems everyone here wants to get to know each other..until it comes to me...like, even my roommates are just like "Eh, hi." and that's where the friendliness stops. :(
I have learned that the next time I go do something like this, I will arrive at least two days ahead of time. I need a full day to recoup after the travel (Alex was totally right!). They have some pretty cool day tour stuff around here, and some decent stuff to check out in the city, too, but I have neither the energy nor time to check it all out like I'd like to. Which has partially led to my down-ness.
I can't wait 'til I get started at the workcamp. I think that experience will be quite different than this one. Or at least let's hope, because there will only be 8 of us, presumably pretty much alone with one another the whole time, so I hope connection-wise it's not a repeat of my roommates today, haha! Hopefully they'll be wowed by my green Jello and fry sauce...haha. Oh! Guess what I found out today....yes, they do have McDonalds and whatnot here (yea for familiar food!) but the menu is all in Icelandic, so ordering is made into difficult guesswork anyhow! Lol. I went to the mall and I was tired and famished after buying an emergency phone, and was like "Ahh, I'll just hit the McDonald's real quick for something familiar and safe and comfortable" and then I get up to the counter and the guy barely speaks English anyway, and I'm just like "Well, here's the gist of what I want, but I can't read your menu, so please just give me the closest thing you have..." Lol.
I've never felt like the "new kid" before, and I definitely do here. I've always thought it was simply a made-up belief and therefore behavior, and I still think it is to an extent, but I definitely have learned compassion for all the "new kids" out there...I will retain what I've learned to be able to relate to my kids later if they are ever the "new kid" in school or whatever...The thing about hostel culture is everyone stays here for a few days or weeks, and they all get to know each other, and then when say, a timid, tired, ornery American pops in for a day, it's like "Eh, who is he?" and there's no time to build any relationships. So I totally get it on my end.
Anyhow, I look forward to the workcamp starting tomorrow...I know I will feel hella rewarded as I do some hard labor all day for the next couple of weeks, and bond with the new people there. We all will be "new kids" there, so we'll all feel for one another, haha.
In the meantime, there is an incredibly hot Brit across the room from me with his semi-cute friend and I wish the other creepier European kid in front of him would talk a lot more quietly so that I can hear more of his beautiful British accent....lol. MMMMM
Until Next Time (And None Of Us Truly Know When That Will Be Haha!),
Ryan!
Oh, P.S. -- I've been notified by a friend that she has been posting comments and apparently I've been deleting them, but I haven't received comments on my blogs for probably, like, the last 5 or so, on my side, so if this is the case with you as well, just know it's something technical going on, I guess...
I have learned that the next time I go do something like this, I will arrive at least two days ahead of time. I need a full day to recoup after the travel (Alex was totally right!). They have some pretty cool day tour stuff around here, and some decent stuff to check out in the city, too, but I have neither the energy nor time to check it all out like I'd like to. Which has partially led to my down-ness.
I can't wait 'til I get started at the workcamp. I think that experience will be quite different than this one. Or at least let's hope, because there will only be 8 of us, presumably pretty much alone with one another the whole time, so I hope connection-wise it's not a repeat of my roommates today, haha! Hopefully they'll be wowed by my green Jello and fry sauce...haha. Oh! Guess what I found out today....yes, they do have McDonalds and whatnot here (yea for familiar food!) but the menu is all in Icelandic, so ordering is made into difficult guesswork anyhow! Lol. I went to the mall and I was tired and famished after buying an emergency phone, and was like "Ahh, I'll just hit the McDonald's real quick for something familiar and safe and comfortable" and then I get up to the counter and the guy barely speaks English anyway, and I'm just like "Well, here's the gist of what I want, but I can't read your menu, so please just give me the closest thing you have..." Lol.
I've never felt like the "new kid" before, and I definitely do here. I've always thought it was simply a made-up belief and therefore behavior, and I still think it is to an extent, but I definitely have learned compassion for all the "new kids" out there...I will retain what I've learned to be able to relate to my kids later if they are ever the "new kid" in school or whatever...The thing about hostel culture is everyone stays here for a few days or weeks, and they all get to know each other, and then when say, a timid, tired, ornery American pops in for a day, it's like "Eh, who is he?" and there's no time to build any relationships. So I totally get it on my end.
Anyhow, I look forward to the workcamp starting tomorrow...I know I will feel hella rewarded as I do some hard labor all day for the next couple of weeks, and bond with the new people there. We all will be "new kids" there, so we'll all feel for one another, haha.
In the meantime, there is an incredibly hot Brit across the room from me with his semi-cute friend and I wish the other creepier European kid in front of him would talk a lot more quietly so that I can hear more of his beautiful British accent....lol. MMMMM
Until Next Time (And None Of Us Truly Know When That Will Be Haha!),
Ryan!
Oh, P.S. -- I've been notified by a friend that she has been posting comments and apparently I've been deleting them, but I haven't received comments on my blogs for probably, like, the last 5 or so, on my side, so if this is the case with you as well, just know it's something technical going on, I guess...
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