Why I Should Forgive Me

I need to start forgiving myself. Because I don't, I hurt. And I continue to pile up negative thoughts about myself and my choices, and I continue to hurt. I fall into deep depression, and the only time I ever feel like I can actually breathe is when I get just above the tip of the water -- to a place where I don't fully believe in my pain, but I definitely don't believe in my joy, either. I've experienced what I believe to be pure joy possibly 3 times in my life thus far. And it is because I am too far into my own asshole of depression to feel anything else. One step I've identified today as a possible way to change this and start feeling REAL joy more often is to forgive myself for the "mistakes" I've made. Noticing that any "failure" was just a chance I took, and noticing why it may have turned out as a failure. I will never KNOW why it was a failure, but I can do my best to guess at why, subsequently teaching myself what does and what does not bring me joy. Let's see if it works.

*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.

Hi. I'm beautiful.

How often do any of us go up to someone and introduce ourselves as such? I'd wager never. How often do any of us go up to someone we're meeting and even THINK that? I'd wager not quite often...I know I often don't.
And I feel beautiful, REALLY beautiful right now. And it doesn't feel quite fleeting.

Now, every time I meet someone new, I will shake their hand and say. "Hi, I'm Apollo!" and inside I will think "I am beautiful" or "...and god I'm gorgeous!!" and really feel it as I shake their hand. How might that feel to get a handshake from someone who truly knows and feels their worth and their beauty and emanates it??? Well, we will see, won't we?! Lol

Links to My Tracklist (As Promised on Facebook!)

Here you go, blog buddies, enjoy!!

1-Walking on the Moon
2-Cracked
3-Only Love Endures
4-Back Down
5-A Pod of Peas
6-The End
7-Catnip
8-The Ringleader
9-Stripped
10-The Bomb
11-Surrender
12-Winter's Bait
13-Zombies
14-Get Back On Track