As I was pondering two nights ago about the blog I was to write yesterday, I kept thinking over and over “God, I want to prove myself right about this! I really, REALLY want to be right!” and I stopped myself for a moment and thought, “You know, I want to be right about this, but I don’t really want to make her wrong about it.” We both had very valid points for our own lives, and drew them off of very real experiences we had had, and no part of me wanted to invalidate what she had experienced. And in that moment, I learned that what I wanted was for her to accept me as my truth and my reality, and that in no way meant that I had to “win.” And I think that is where we get things so terribly twisted nowadays.
Think about it. You want to be accepted as you, right? You want people to love the little quirks that make you up. You want to be adored my those you care about, and you want to feel validated in the choices you make, yes? Well, I know I do. And that one thought has been so key for me over the last couple of days as I’ve ruminated on it. What I wanted was to feel like she didn’t disapprove of me as a human simply because I was gay. What I wanted was to be loved and cherished even for being gay. And I thought I had to point and counterpoint her until I felt like I was right and had won the debate and then she would see that because I won, I was okay and it would now follow for her to acquiesce to my desire to be accepted as the wonderful gay man that I am. And as twisted as that sounds…I think that is exactly how everyone else out there thinks, whether or not they are conscious of it – and I put my money on the wager that they are not.
Take for instance the “talking heads,” whether they be Bill O’Reilly or Bill Maher. They are on there, presenting and pressing their points, many times discrediting their guest’s points in favor of their own. I don’t think in the end, they really want to belittle anyone. (Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I think Bill O’Reilly enjoys belittling people…) But I think they’re grander goal is to get the other person to think about and accept what they are saying as valid and true, but they’re going about it the wrong way…most likely without even realizing they are. What does that create? I’ll tell you. Lol. It creates a stalemate where I believe what I want, you believe what you want, we butt heads and live in tension out of disrespect for the other person’s point of view and by over-respecting our own. What we need to progress is feedback. We must take the other person’s/people’s points of view and coalesce them such that we make something grander out of them. That’s what true leadership is about and that’s what inspires people.
What might happen if gay people were to look at ALL straight people as allies, instead of just the ones who vote for leaders who will give the gays the freedom for which we feel so desperate? It’s like Tai Chi. You take the energy you’re being given and you use it to your advantage…you take it with you to create something bolder and something bigger and that’s how you succeed. It’s not about winning. It’s about succeeding.
3.31.2010
3.30.2010
I Envision Assimilation and Tolerance
The other day, I put on my Facebook status the following: "Irony: when religious zealots make preventing gays from marrying peacefully their newest false idol." I did not say anyone I knew was a religious zealot. I did not say all religious people are crazy zealots. I did not list anyone in particular. I simply posted what I wrote above. And the only person who responded so far wrote "I think the real irony is how gay people preach tolerance and show more intolerance for others than anyone I know." Now, I am gay. And her brothers are gay. And one of her friends is gay. And she still says she believes this. How can that be? One cannot stereotype a group of people but say that there are some of that group that they don't believe it about. That's just not how the mind works. You either believe it about us all, or you don't. Yes, there may have been some very intolerant gay people in your history (I know I can think of quite a few), but to say that gay people are the least tolerant people of ANYONE is a very powerful and clear statement. And I don't agree with her claim that gay people kissing in front of a temple, or defacing churches or any of the other items she wrote as evidence are the most intolerant acts ever demonstrated by anyone or any group in mankind's history. I do NOT condone any of the things she wrote as evidence of gay people being intolerant AND I do not believe them to be the most intolerant acts ever committed. Yes, kiss-ins are juvenile in my opinion, and especially that gays would be holding it in front of the temple, obstructing the way for devout followers of a faith who want to simply peacefully worship and enjoy their day. AND when the kiss-ins were happening, I loudly voiced to ALL my friends (straight AND gay) that I thought it was immature and purposeless and I lost a couple friends for it in fact. Yet I am lumped into the same category as those friends I lost. I am lumped into the same category as the people who actually participated in an act that I found revolting, immature and disrespectful.
Now, I want to state here to all readers: I'm not writing this to win, I'm not writing this to be a bitch, I'm not writing this to get people against her or to belittle her or to get people to harass her, and I would appreciate it if all readers would respect those wishes. Why I AM writing this is to provide to straight people just a little bit of clarity on the history of the treatment of gays.
There's a lot of things to say to combat what she said, and I'm going to say them here to get them out. I don't want to confront her, because I don't think that's the high road, but I also feel a need to express travesties that are done to the gay community of which she (or others) may simply not know. And NOTE, this is all to MY knowledge...there may be things out there that have happened to straight people that I don't know about, and please feel free to put them here if they have been (education is always best).
First: I have never known a straight teenager to be kidnapped by his gay peers, dragged out to the middle of nowhere, beaten to a bloody pulp, tied up to a fencepost, beaten some more and left for dead, on the brink of death, all because the child was straight. I do know of a gay 14-year-old that has happened to him. His name is Matthew Shephard and he lived and died in Laramie, Wyoming. For those who don't know, Laramie is a mere 5 hours and 37 minutes away by car. In this huge nation, that is much too close for comfort. And to have my fear and my pain and mostly HIS pain, and his mother's pain reduced to "Gays are intolerant" is just straight up bull. There's no other wording for it.
Second: In Iran -- and MANY other countries -- being gay is punishable by death or many other forms of atrocities. What?? Why? Why is my being attracted to someone else punishable by death? Whether or not being gay is a choice or something you're born as isn't the argument here. The question is -- either way -- why is a way of being punishable by death, or by being whipped severely and scarred? It's not punishable by death to be a businessman, or to be a stay at home mom, or even in many of these countries to be a prostitute, yet it is worthy of death simply to be gay (even if one doesn't act on it)??
Many careers have been destroyed because a person has come out of the closet. And yes, my belief is that most of these times it is because when the person comes out, they go a little overboard and they act "too gay". I mean, take a look at a few people... Lance Bass: Well, he didn't have much of a career left, HOWEVER, he has earned a lot of respect because he told everyone "I just wanna be a normal gay. I don't need to be all outlandish and everything." Same with Neil Patrick Harris and Ricky Martin. Rosie O'Donnell? Well, she was like the queen of acting too gay when she came out. And look at the way she is perceived in the media. Tell me one straight person who perceives her as "normal" or "acceptable". I have not met any myself. The argument here may have gotten a little obfuscated, so let me point it out for certain: since when has it been bad to be "too straight"? Are people fired from their job for being "too straight"? Are people called derogatory words for being "too straight"? Are people completely dismissed as actual humans for being "too straight"? No. Bottom line is: NO.
Based on THESE EXAMPLES, saying gay people are intolerant of the way straight people have treated them would be akin to saying that black people were intolerant of the KKK. I'm not saying it's okay for gay people to be "intolerant" and it's not for straight people. I'm not saying that gays are righteous and straights are evil. What I'm trying to do here is point out that gay people have had an inordinate amount of intolerance shown to them in recent history, and maybe it's about time for straight people to give us a little wiggle room?
Now, I want to state here to all readers: I'm not writing this to win, I'm not writing this to be a bitch, I'm not writing this to get people against her or to belittle her or to get people to harass her, and I would appreciate it if all readers would respect those wishes. Why I AM writing this is to provide to straight people just a little bit of clarity on the history of the treatment of gays.
There's a lot of things to say to combat what she said, and I'm going to say them here to get them out. I don't want to confront her, because I don't think that's the high road, but I also feel a need to express travesties that are done to the gay community of which she (or others) may simply not know. And NOTE, this is all to MY knowledge...there may be things out there that have happened to straight people that I don't know about, and please feel free to put them here if they have been (education is always best).
First: I have never known a straight teenager to be kidnapped by his gay peers, dragged out to the middle of nowhere, beaten to a bloody pulp, tied up to a fencepost, beaten some more and left for dead, on the brink of death, all because the child was straight. I do know of a gay 14-year-old that has happened to him. His name is Matthew Shephard and he lived and died in Laramie, Wyoming. For those who don't know, Laramie is a mere 5 hours and 37 minutes away by car. In this huge nation, that is much too close for comfort. And to have my fear and my pain and mostly HIS pain, and his mother's pain reduced to "Gays are intolerant" is just straight up bull. There's no other wording for it.
Second: In Iran -- and MANY other countries -- being gay is punishable by death or many other forms of atrocities. What?? Why? Why is my being attracted to someone else punishable by death? Whether or not being gay is a choice or something you're born as isn't the argument here. The question is -- either way -- why is a way of being punishable by death, or by being whipped severely and scarred? It's not punishable by death to be a businessman, or to be a stay at home mom, or even in many of these countries to be a prostitute, yet it is worthy of death simply to be gay (even if one doesn't act on it)??
Many careers have been destroyed because a person has come out of the closet. And yes, my belief is that most of these times it is because when the person comes out, they go a little overboard and they act "too gay". I mean, take a look at a few people... Lance Bass: Well, he didn't have much of a career left, HOWEVER, he has earned a lot of respect because he told everyone "I just wanna be a normal gay. I don't need to be all outlandish and everything." Same with Neil Patrick Harris and Ricky Martin. Rosie O'Donnell? Well, she was like the queen of acting too gay when she came out. And look at the way she is perceived in the media. Tell me one straight person who perceives her as "normal" or "acceptable". I have not met any myself. The argument here may have gotten a little obfuscated, so let me point it out for certain: since when has it been bad to be "too straight"? Are people fired from their job for being "too straight"? Are people called derogatory words for being "too straight"? Are people completely dismissed as actual humans for being "too straight"? No. Bottom line is: NO.
Based on THESE EXAMPLES, saying gay people are intolerant of the way straight people have treated them would be akin to saying that black people were intolerant of the KKK. I'm not saying it's okay for gay people to be "intolerant" and it's not for straight people. I'm not saying that gays are righteous and straights are evil. What I'm trying to do here is point out that gay people have had an inordinate amount of intolerance shown to them in recent history, and maybe it's about time for straight people to give us a little wiggle room?
Pain Is Recycled As Gratitude
Did your country just get bombed? Did your parents just die? Did you just lose your job? Did you just get evicted? Did your car just get blown up out in a parking lot? Did your fiancée just cheat on you and then leave you, now treating you like you are a dirty, worthless disease? Did your partner just get in a fatal accident? Did you just lose a loved one after a long, slow, painful battle with a crippling disease? Are you having trouble coming up with enough money to pay only your rent, utilities and food? Did you just skip into your father’s room at age 8 only to find that “Daddy’s not waking up” because of a heart attack caused by a drug overdose…and then were forced into the foster care system to be looked after by someone you hate? Do you live in poverty and squalor, being harshly oppressed because of the gender you were born into? Have you ever been raped? Have you ever been ambushed, beat up, hospitalized and on top of that, wrongfully taken to court because you are a “dirty faggot”? Or worse, were you, at age 14, because of your sexuality, kidnapped by kids only a few years older than you, dragged out to a fencepost, beaten to a bloody pulp, and left for dead in the middle of Wyoming, wondering when your last breath may come…until it finally did?
We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.
We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?
I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.
I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.
Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.
Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…
-Ryan
We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.
We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?
I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.
I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.
Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.
Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…
-Ryan
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