Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?
Bring on tomorrow.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
4.16.2010
4.10.2010
Pain Is a Warning Bell
Many people (including me more often than I'd like to admit) perceive pain as an evil. And I think much of that is due to the Happiness Revolution that began a few decades ago. During this revolution, it was taught that everyone's main focus should be happiness -- often avoiding the intricacies that pain offers to us. Consequently, many people feel pain and then avoid it. They try to turn it off -- an impossible endeavor -- and do away with it, thus creating a false sense of happiness and never achieving true joy in their lives. They live with a sinking feeling (whether consciously realized or not) and numb themselves to true, pure joy. Joy comes from seeing pain for what it is, thanking it for providing you whatever lessons may come of it, and passing it on to the rest of the Universe as a gift, not a curse.
One experience of pain (and in my opinion, the highest-functioning) is as a warning bell. When an experience hurts, it’s often an alarm going off trying to get our attention that something needs to change. It serves the same function as physical pain. If I touch a hot stove and it burns my finger, I know to pull away ASAP.
However, when it comes to emotional or spiritual pain, we often refuse to listen and instead play the victim. We say, or think: “Ouch! This hurts! But I can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way things are. I’d rather stay where I am than face the uncertainty of change.”...and so on. Focus on the irony: Would we do this with physical pain?? If we put our finger on a hot stove and felt the burn, would we linger there with our finger thinking "Damn! I'm stuck here in this pain! I need to think about what I should do next. If I remove my finger from that which just caused it pain, I'm not sure if I will be hurt again or even more so, so I think I'll just keep it here on the stove while I figure out what to do next"?? No! And if you ever encountered someone doing that, you would immediately go to help them, and most likely judge them to be insane for doing so! So why do we engage in that type of activity with emotional or spiritual pain? Too often for comfort, I see people living in their pain. Rather than feeling the pain, realizing that something needs to change and then immediately enacting that next step, TOO MANY PEOPLE learn instead to live with the alarm bells going off 24/7.
When you listen to that warning bell and take action as a result, it doesn’t simply stop the pain. It also leads you in a positive direction. As you will experience later (whether it be immediate or cumulative), the effect of those positive steps can be huge. But it is about taking the first step. The following are questions you can use to help yourself cope with pain and with change:
* What positive change could this be catalyzing?
* What is this pain telling me? What can I do about it? Where can I go from here?
* What do I need to learn to help me move past this pain?
One experience of pain (and in my opinion, the highest-functioning) is as a warning bell. When an experience hurts, it’s often an alarm going off trying to get our attention that something needs to change. It serves the same function as physical pain. If I touch a hot stove and it burns my finger, I know to pull away ASAP.
However, when it comes to emotional or spiritual pain, we often refuse to listen and instead play the victim. We say, or think: “Ouch! This hurts! But I can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way things are. I’d rather stay where I am than face the uncertainty of change.”...and so on. Focus on the irony: Would we do this with physical pain?? If we put our finger on a hot stove and felt the burn, would we linger there with our finger thinking "Damn! I'm stuck here in this pain! I need to think about what I should do next. If I remove my finger from that which just caused it pain, I'm not sure if I will be hurt again or even more so, so I think I'll just keep it here on the stove while I figure out what to do next"?? No! And if you ever encountered someone doing that, you would immediately go to help them, and most likely judge them to be insane for doing so! So why do we engage in that type of activity with emotional or spiritual pain? Too often for comfort, I see people living in their pain. Rather than feeling the pain, realizing that something needs to change and then immediately enacting that next step, TOO MANY PEOPLE learn instead to live with the alarm bells going off 24/7.
When you listen to that warning bell and take action as a result, it doesn’t simply stop the pain. It also leads you in a positive direction. As you will experience later (whether it be immediate or cumulative), the effect of those positive steps can be huge. But it is about taking the first step. The following are questions you can use to help yourself cope with pain and with change:
* What positive change could this be catalyzing?
* What is this pain telling me? What can I do about it? Where can I go from here?
* What do I need to learn to help me move past this pain?
3.30.2010
Pain Is Recycled As Gratitude
Did your country just get bombed? Did your parents just die? Did you just lose your job? Did you just get evicted? Did your car just get blown up out in a parking lot? Did your fiancée just cheat on you and then leave you, now treating you like you are a dirty, worthless disease? Did your partner just get in a fatal accident? Did you just lose a loved one after a long, slow, painful battle with a crippling disease? Are you having trouble coming up with enough money to pay only your rent, utilities and food? Did you just skip into your father’s room at age 8 only to find that “Daddy’s not waking up” because of a heart attack caused by a drug overdose…and then were forced into the foster care system to be looked after by someone you hate? Do you live in poverty and squalor, being harshly oppressed because of the gender you were born into? Have you ever been raped? Have you ever been ambushed, beat up, hospitalized and on top of that, wrongfully taken to court because you are a “dirty faggot”? Or worse, were you, at age 14, because of your sexuality, kidnapped by kids only a few years older than you, dragged out to a fencepost, beaten to a bloody pulp, and left for dead in the middle of Wyoming, wondering when your last breath may come…until it finally did?
We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.
We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?
I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.
I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.
Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.
Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…
-Ryan
We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.
We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?
I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.
I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.
Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.
Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…
-Ryan
3.05.2010
Who knew P90X would open up my soul?
Blog Buddies:
K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).
This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!
A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.
As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.
All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)
--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom
K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).
This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!
A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.
As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.
All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)
--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom
1.27.2010
Breathe Through It
Tonight, I need to write. Crying can't be the only way I get it out of me. But I block myself. Crying hurts enough to feel good, but it doesn't hurt as much as admitting the truth. Crying allows me to bring up a possible truth, think about it instantly and move on to hurting and releasing. Writing involves thinking. It means I sit on the pain as I vocalize everything that could be real.
What happened? That is turning out to be the theme as the end of our relationship truly unfolds and I do my best to look back through the pain and fear and sift out just that...what happened. I recognize things I did that were wrong...yet I can't get past the mystery. Everything I am accountable for just doesn't seem to me to be "bad enough" to warrant him lying to me, cheating, and telling me "It's not fixable." It doesn'y justify his giving up on love. It doesn't help me sleep at night when all I can think about -- what haunts me even in the furthest reaches of my dream-life -- is how he looked at me and saw love. He felt love. He was true, beautiful, perfect love. And how he so quickly forgot how to connect with love. He SO easily was able to choose deceit and pain and distance over love. All I do is sit here wondering what happened? What the fuck did I do? Everyone tells me "Oh, it's not your fault, oh don't worry it's all him, oh this or that" and it doesn't help. When all the advice I hear is "You really just have to take it one day at a time and you will be okay" and I sit there thinking "Yeah, well what if I can't even last a whole day?" There are times I don't even know how to last a minute. Just a minute. I panic...and I bawl my liveliness out...and I think about how much of a fuck-up I am...and I try to stay calm and drive even though I can't see, 'cause if I pull over to cry, I'll be late for work, and if I'm late for work, I won't be able to pay rent, and if I don't pay rent, I'll be homeless and if I'm homeless I'll hate myself even more than I already do which is virtually unfathomable at this point. When will it stop hurting? When will my friends really show up for me? When the fuck will someone ELSE help ME out?..help me in standing up?? When I'm coiled up on the floor, crying until I'm dehydrated, my legs weak and immobile, when will someone come to me and tell me that they love me and will be there for me -- and then follow through with some action?? "I love you" is hollow. Anyone can say that. "Oh, hope you're okay....well, anyway, I gotta go!" is bullshit. Really. It is. Where is the love? Where the fuck is all the love? And where the fuck is mine? 'Cause I just don't feel it. I want someone who loves me enough to insist that they take me out to dinner, and we go somewhere I can cry without looking foolish, and who is willing to take me home afterward and just sit there, listening and rubbing my back for four hours while I just simply cry, and scream, and writhe in my pain and my fear and my loneliness. 'Cause I know it would be a lot easier to do all that with someone else showing up for and supporting me than it would be to do it alone every night like I am right now.
What happened? That is turning out to be the theme as the end of our relationship truly unfolds and I do my best to look back through the pain and fear and sift out just that...what happened. I recognize things I did that were wrong...yet I can't get past the mystery. Everything I am accountable for just doesn't seem to me to be "bad enough" to warrant him lying to me, cheating, and telling me "It's not fixable." It doesn'y justify his giving up on love. It doesn't help me sleep at night when all I can think about -- what haunts me even in the furthest reaches of my dream-life -- is how he looked at me and saw love. He felt love. He was true, beautiful, perfect love. And how he so quickly forgot how to connect with love. He SO easily was able to choose deceit and pain and distance over love. All I do is sit here wondering what happened? What the fuck did I do? Everyone tells me "Oh, it's not your fault, oh don't worry it's all him, oh this or that" and it doesn't help. When all the advice I hear is "You really just have to take it one day at a time and you will be okay" and I sit there thinking "Yeah, well what if I can't even last a whole day?" There are times I don't even know how to last a minute. Just a minute. I panic...and I bawl my liveliness out...and I think about how much of a fuck-up I am...and I try to stay calm and drive even though I can't see, 'cause if I pull over to cry, I'll be late for work, and if I'm late for work, I won't be able to pay rent, and if I don't pay rent, I'll be homeless and if I'm homeless I'll hate myself even more than I already do which is virtually unfathomable at this point. When will it stop hurting? When will my friends really show up for me? When the fuck will someone ELSE help ME out?..help me in standing up?? When I'm coiled up on the floor, crying until I'm dehydrated, my legs weak and immobile, when will someone come to me and tell me that they love me and will be there for me -- and then follow through with some action?? "I love you" is hollow. Anyone can say that. "Oh, hope you're okay....well, anyway, I gotta go!" is bullshit. Really. It is. Where is the love? Where the fuck is all the love? And where the fuck is mine? 'Cause I just don't feel it. I want someone who loves me enough to insist that they take me out to dinner, and we go somewhere I can cry without looking foolish, and who is willing to take me home afterward and just sit there, listening and rubbing my back for four hours while I just simply cry, and scream, and writhe in my pain and my fear and my loneliness. 'Cause I know it would be a lot easier to do all that with someone else showing up for and supporting me than it would be to do it alone every night like I am right now.
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