I'm On The Edge Of Seventeen

"The sea changes colors, but the sea does not change."

Tonight, I was driving home up the canyon and within the span of one song, this is what I noticed about me:

My lack of patience is because I want approval RIGHT NOW, so I don't feel like I'm doing things wrong. I noticed I am very patient when it comes to answering someone...I will be with something for however long I need to in order to give the exact answer I want, yet when I ask someone something, I expect them to answer right away. And I get REALLY annoyed at them if they don't...and then I start to actually get angry...I role-played in my mind, and realized that if someone took as long to answer me as I do many times, then I would think they were ignoring me, or that what I asked wasn't important enough to them to warrant an answer, and I would get PISSED OFF. So that is how I came to that conclusion about my need for approval. And it carries over to many other aspects of my being....work/projects, spending, etc...

Spending: I spend my money any time I have it on impractical things because I raised myself within a celebrity framework...I've always known I am destined to be rich and famous, so I currently spend as if I already am -- as if I have royalty payments rolling in from radio stations...as if I have back-end profits to movies that I made whose checks will be sliding past my accountant's desk any day now (I'm sure you get the picture) -- meanwhile I am broke off my ass and then when I get some money, I spend it like I'm a Chamillionaire. :) I spend it on things that I feel will make me feel cool so I can get some more outside approval, instead of practical things that will sustain my ability to live a life of happiness, peace and love...for instance, I'll go out and buy an iPod, or some new sexy pants, or another blingin' belt, instead of buying food. I'm not lying about this, people. I will almost always spend money on clothes before I will spend it on food.

The power in seeing this (in AWARENESS) is that I can choose to change those beliefs. I get to get rid of these beliefs that living in poverty and malnutrition but having cool pants means that I AM COOL. No, Ryan, that just means you are a fancy-pantsed Ethiopian. It's time to evolve those beliefs to: saving money and living healthily is cool and will earn me more approval from others than being poor and unhealthy. One day, I will hopefully not even feel the need for approval from others, but we'll start basic for now. :)

Another thing I noticed in the span of this song was that I feel like me becoming fit and healthy and trim means I am betraying myself. I really feel like if I transition to a healthy lifestyle that I am leaving myself behind. Yes, I now realize how incredibly backward all these beliefs are...Anyhow, I feel like because I'm choosing to get fit, I am betraying myself for somebody else I want more (i.e., skinny me vs. fat me), for approval and for happiness. This is one that is honestly difficult for me to see past. I have lived almost 14 of my 24 years now thinking that I am fat and ugly, and even longer believing I am physically inept, so I truly am leaving a part of me in the dust by choosing to create myself to be physically adept, and to feel (and be) beautiful on the outside. I could use some coaching around this.

And the last thing I noticed and decided was that my attitude toward exercise has always been one of fatigue and exhaustion. Well, giving it that energy, begets a lack of energy on my part! Instead, I realized I can now view it as an adrenaline rush, because that's something it gives me, and I will be motivated to actually complete it that way, because adrenaline is a MAJOR factor in every decision I make :)

That is the end tonight. I love you. 'Night.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry