Day Two of Part One, August 2010

Introspective notes from staffing today:

I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.

Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?

Day One of Part One, August 2010

Okay, so I am not going to rewrite this or condense it or summarize it tonight because I am way too tired. But I filled up 5.5 3x5 notecards front and back with things I learned about myself, and I committed to you all that I would write my learning every night, so I am going to do just that. And on Sunday, I will do a wrap-up/summary. But the following are the raw notes of what I learned in the moment and hurriedly jotted down.

I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.

And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!

Band Of Brothers

I am staffing Part One this week. I haven't staffed a Part One for probably about a year or so, so I know there is value for me there, and I will be discovering it this week. And I will be letting you in on what I learn, virtually in real-time. I will be blogging every night what I learned from that day staffing. I'm already processing judgments, ego, and depression -- and it hasn't even started yet -- so I know this is gonna be good!

I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.

For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.

Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?

When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??

That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.

Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.

SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).

Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.

Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.

Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.

Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)

I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo