Alright, here it is, the finale of my August Part One experience, so get ready for a LONG list of learning (yea for alliteration!!) :)
Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.
Showing posts with label Great Life Foundation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Great Life Foundation. Show all posts
8.06.2010
Day Two of Part One, August 2010
Introspective notes from staffing today:
I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.
Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?
I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.
Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?
8.05.2010
Day One of Part One, August 2010
Okay, so I am not going to rewrite this or condense it or summarize it tonight because I am way too tired. But I filled up 5.5 3x5 notecards front and back with things I learned about myself, and I committed to you all that I would write my learning every night, so I am going to do just that. And on Sunday, I will do a wrap-up/summary. But the following are the raw notes of what I learned in the moment and hurriedly jotted down.
I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.
And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!
I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.
And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!
8.04.2010
Band Of Brothers
I am staffing Part One this week. I haven't staffed a Part One for probably about a year or so, so I know there is value for me there, and I will be discovering it this week. And I will be letting you in on what I learn, virtually in real-time. I will be blogging every night what I learned from that day staffing. I'm already processing judgments, ego, and depression -- and it hasn't even started yet -- so I know this is gonna be good!
I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.
For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.
Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?
When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??
That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.
Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.
SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).
Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.
Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.
Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.
Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)
I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Apollo
I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.
For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.
Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?
When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??
That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.
Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.
SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).
Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.
Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.
Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.
Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)
I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Apollo
7.29.2010
Life In Cartoon Motion
Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain. I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
I am beautiful, in every single way.
To all your friends, you're delirious. So confused.
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness.
But you are beautiful. No matter what they say.
Words can't bring you down.
You are beautiful, in EVERY SINGLE way.
No matter what we do, no matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine.
--Christina Aguilera
From the song "Beautiful" from the album "Stripped"
Over the last few months, I have been tackling my lack of self-worth. I have been screaming at myself. Hating myself. Glaring at myself in the mirror for the ugliness I possessed. Wanting to punch the mirror and shatter all those words and judgments and beliefs into little pieces. And then hating myself for not doing so, and continuing to believe all the warring thoughts I had about myself.
I've blamed myself for breaking up my engagement. I've blamed myself for his alcoholism. I've hated myself for the actions I took during the course of our relationship, and our break-up. I've hated myself for the last 17 years, letting each unconscious year pile up the interest. I've told myself I'm "perfect," that I'm alright, that everyone loves me...so I don't have to. And it all finally came to a screeching halt when I walked through (and 3 days later, out of) the doors to The Great Life Foundation's Singles/Relationships training, without having any idea why.
I hated Great Life. I hated the trainer. I hated the fact that they were trying to resurrect this obvious failure of a training. Even though I loved them, I convinced myself that I hated everyone who was in the room with me, because they were about to learn all of my sin. I had no fucking clue why I had just paid this place my money. I had no idea why, given all of that hatred for where I was at in that moment, why I continued walking in through the doors. I kept saying to myself "Get out of here, what the fuck are you doing? You know you don't want to be here, and you have so many reasons to back it up." And then the sweet voice of my Spirit spoke up and said "Just don't listen to that right now, okay. Walk in, sit down, and do the training until you can't anymore. Then you will know you are done. At THAT point you will know it was too much for you, or was wrong for you. Just keep walking. Just keep walking." And I kept walking.
I was joined by my favorite people at Great Life, and some new people I'd never even met, which is very rare for me. You see, I worked at Great Life for a year from 2008-2009, and I was the only person working there who seemed to actually care about and get in touch with the graduates and work for their rights, be on their side of the game. So I became known there very quickly. So much so that people I don't see as often STILL ask me "So, you still work at Great Life?"....a year later...after only putting in a year there......Lol. As I saw all of my favorite people walk in the doors, and we all started dancing, I thought "Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to be vulnerable in front of all these people. I CANNOT do that. They know the inspiring me. They know the powerful me. They know the courageous me." And just as I started to get up the courage to stay in the room -- and even smile -- I turned around and in one MINUTE glance, I saw Daniel Lauro. "NOPE I am leaving RIGHT now!" screamed my brain, and I turned to leave the room, and right then the sweet voice yelled (so it could be louder than the music) "What are you doing? This is not the point for you to leave. It's just Daniel."
"But it's DANIEL FUCKING LAURO. I CANNOT be vulnerable and courageous and sweet and learn what I need to learn with the sexiest gay man around Great Life in this room. I CANnot do it!"
"Yes. It will be difficult. But deal. This is not the point at which you leave."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....
FINE!
FUCK!!!!
(Did I say that yet???)
So I continued in the class, and I lived in every horrible moment about myself, and I left once the class was over. THAT was the point at which I was to leave, that I'd been guiding myself to this whole time.
So perfectly did every moment come up in that class that reminded me of my self-loathing. And I took myself to the wall every time, reminding myself that this is what I deserved. I DESERVE to let go of my lack, and my bitterness, and my anger, and my pity, and my impurities. This class was the refiner's fire for me. And I am so grateful for it.
Now, this post isn't some pitch for the class. I mean, if you find value in the words I've shared, and you haven't taken this training, or any of the trainings at The Great Life Foundation, then cool. I suggest you check 'em out, simply 'cause I've learned SOOOOO much about myself and what works for me and my life from completing the trainings there, but this is in no way supposed to be an ad, lol. My experience in this class best describes in a shorter manner what I have been feeling my whole life, in order to highlight the growth I have gone through and am about to explain.
I feel beautiful. I really feel that word.
Beautiful.
I can claim it.
And I have been pushing down that feeling for well over a decade now. I cannot actually remember a time where I've felt beautiful -- but I do right now. And it has staying power. It is IN ME. It is my spirit. I am a beautiful young man. And no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. Whatever someone may say is THEIR reality, and they let that dictate their life, their behaviors, actions and beliefs. And I am over here in my reality, and I can choose to let it dictate my life, behaviors, actions and beliefs. But I am no longer choosing that, because it hurts, and I now am aware of how intensely beautiful I am. I don't NEED to prolong their message. I don't NEED to feel ugly, stupid, impotent, useless, manipulative, unworthy, or untrustworthy. Because I am none of those things. They are all just stories others have told about me that I have bought in to. And THEN I even enrolled OTHERS into believing those stories about me too! How crazy! LOL.
I tried to be like Grace KellySo, yeah, I now see and know this, and just in case you were wondering as well:
But all her looks were too sad...
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!
I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, Gotta be mean, Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
Now, getting angry doesn't solve anything
How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?
--Mika
From the song "Grace Kelly" from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"
I am beautiful.
I am intensely intelligent.
I am intuitive. My spirit is one of the most high-functioning I've ever experienced.
I am generous. I care SO much about the welfare of others, in my community, in my life, and in my heart.
I am loving, and I am nurturing. I love to love people. I love to feel love from people. I love to exchange our spirits and our beauty and our warmth in an engaging manner, leaving the experience with the realization that we are both divine spirits.
I am funny. Oh my GOD, have I learned this one, recently and quickly! I always knew I had a talent for wit -n- quip, but I never believed myself to be hilarious, and DAMN, girl, I AM! I am always making people around me explode in laughter, and if not, I am ALWAYS laughing with myself!
I am full of passion, bursting and brimming with excitement for myself, and for life, and for serving others the best way I can!
I bring joy, peace, clarity, stability and serenity into people's lives.
I am courageous. I do things that most other people will not, because they are afraid to and they let the fear stop them, whereas I am afraid to and I don't let the fear stop me. I push through it with my courage.
I am inspiring. I really felt this one this morning -- about an hour ago. I live my life uncommonly, and in that way I inspire others to SURVIVE their lives instead of to give up. I inspire others to LIVE their lives in the moment. I inspire others to be grateful for what they have, who they are, and what they have been able to achieve in their lives. I inspire others to look past what their beliefs are, and see what they could be. I inspire others to see the future and make it reality.
I love me. Finally. Right now. Count on it. I love me. A lot. I can't even get over saying it! Haha! I. Love. Me.
Who's with me?? :D
8.20.2009
Excavation
So, I wrote this blog at the end of last month or the beginning of this month, and I saved it in a Word document, so I could post it the next day, and then forgot to post it! I just found it yesterday, so here it is...
Blog Buddies,
I had one of the purest, most beautiful nights I’ve ever had Saturday after Service. I got to do a trust fall into the loving arms of 6 of my best friends (as if I can even qualify ANYONE as a “best” friend since I have so many amazing people in my life). I can honestly say I was fully caught by the group, AND it was also not how it was “supposed” to look. Lol. And I am 200% grateful for that, because I learned how much these people truly and purely love me. One friend was even willing to drop himself to the floor and shove his body underneath me, with specific focus to my head, just to protect me from harm, letting me squish and hurt him. Wow. What a gentle, loving, humble, caring, protective friend. I deserve relationships in my life like the one I have with him. The irony is I’ve known him for only a few weeks and he loves me that much, whereas I have friends who I’ve known for 5 years who have just gotten comfortable and lazy. This weekend I have gotten much clearer on the truth that lies within my relationships, and the potential for the relationships I already have. I too have been lazy (and selfish) in my relationships. I cannot say that any of my friends have been lazy without also acknowledging it in myself, because relationships are a two-way street. My loved ones respond to how I interact with them. If I was constantly “tipping the scales” for them in the relationship, they just naturally WOULDN’T settle for being a lazy friend. Period. So I have some work to take on in my relationships. At this point I am speechlessly grateful for the “Relationship Renewal” worksheet that The Great Life Foundation provides as part of its coursework. It gives me a great springboard off of which to launch.
A quick shout out to volunteer staffing at The Great Life! Within the past two months, I have staffed a Founders Training, two Part Twos, am coaching a Part Three and am about to take on a Part One this week. And it has been the most forward moving choice I have made in a long time! I have been awakened to new pieces of my character and personality and am doing a great job at piecing myself back together. Since I began my training two years ago, I’ve felt like I had amnesia regarding the real me…and even partly that I never even created a real me… From such a young age I was always trying to please everyone, to create a peace bubble in my life. I was abused, and after the age of 7, I always felt completely neglected. I was the youngest, the baby, and I always felt left behind, especially compared to my middle sister. I never felt like I could do anything good enough, that I would never be loved enough, that I would never be able to prove to everyone that I was okay, and that they should love me. I never realized I needed to prove to MYSELF that I was okay and that I am capable of love and being loved – even moreso, not to prove, but even just to simply trust that about myself.
I’m hungry…I’m gonna go cook some leftovers, and I’ll be back to blogging in about twenty…
I totally forgot I was blogging! Haha. It’s probably about 2 hours later now…lol.
Anyhow, I love myself now, and I am consciously taking actions toward self-fulfillment, and to continue to show myself how much I love myself, and it feels nice. And it is all due to having done the courses at Great Life. The reason I give a shout out to staffing there is because I have been doing it so much lately and loving myself so much lately and my life is just completely working. I am aligning with the Universe regarding things I need for Get Smashed! I am finding and keeping close, loving, generous, caring, passionate, honest relationships. I am feeling peace. I am creating the life I want. I am doing everything I want: I am starting a new job (finally!), going to Iceland to serve as a volunteer, really seeing progress with Get Smashed!, and serving very freely at Great Life, creating this beautiful human experience for myself. The joy and love is so abundant! Thank you, Universe. Thank you, loved ones who support me and fully care for me and my well-being. Thank you, Mom. THANK YOU, Great Life.
Oh, and a most heartfelt thank you to “The Academy.” ;)
Also, if you like musically interesting, stylistically challenging, poetic music sung by a man who has quite possibly the most talented vocal power in all of musical history, check out the band Incubus. I am constantly in awe of what this band can do artistically, not only with their musical arrangements, but also what the lead singer, Brandon Boyd, can do with his voice.
I will post again later tonight, and then again tomorrow morning, and that will probably be all from me this week, as I am staffing Awakenings at The Great Life Foundation this Wednesday-Saturday. NOTE: If you haven’t yet taken this training (or hell, even if you have), I encourage you to do so THIS WEEK, as it is priced at the lowest it will probably ever be: $99. Normal seminars charge that much for one-day events, and this is 4 days and is NOTHING like a “normal seminar” – it is much more powerful. It’s like going to a “Buy One, Get Six Free” sale. Of course you’re going to go and snatch up a deal like that.
Finally, I’d like to create a new agreement with you, my lovely Blog Buddies: to post at least once a week. That is something I can safely accomplish and keep my word around.
Until Tonight,
Ryan!
Peace out, Loves.
7.16.2009
Business as Usual
I have A LOT to do this weekend! Holy crap, it's intimidating. Therefore, I MIGHT not be blogging Friday and Sunday, and I 99% likely will not be blogging on Saturday. Now, I'm not posting this update to run you off, by any means, just so you won't be disappointed if you come and there's not a new post :)
Like I said, I have so much to do this weekend. I just began my first business, Get Smashed! (feel free to check it out here: Get Smashed! page), and there is a lot to still complete to get it into the wheels of success that the Universe is aligning me with! Additionally, this Saturday morning and afternoon, my friend Raina is having a $5 car wash to raise money so she can enroll in the Part Two: Brilliance Within training at The Great Life Foundation. As her angel, I will be there assisting her. She's also letting me bring branded shirts for the Washers to wear, and car window press-ons to give away to promote Get Smashed! To complete all of this, I've made a clear list to keep myself on track (and to remember everything! Haha).
Here is my to-do list:
1. Find buckets and rags to borrow or have, for the car wash
2. Call Dezaree Nielsen to receive information about the press-ons
3. Get 10 plain yellow T-shirts and Iron-On Printer Sheets
4. Get 10 pieces of posterboard, Sharpies, and small wooden posts to create signage
5. Find spaces in which to "Smash"
6. Ascertain breakable items
7. Get gloves and broom(s) for clean up
8. Create business cards and coupons and print them out
9. Call Melanie Muranaka and Jentri Harding to see about hiring them.
If any of my fabulous readers can assist me in any way, I'd love to hear how. Feel free to e-mail get.smashed.biz@gmail.com or call 801-913-2216 if you can.
Anyhow, I get to complete all this before 8 a.m. this Saturday! And, of course, I can't sacrifice my personal life for all of this. So on top of all that craziness above, I am living a full-fledged social life this weekend. I am doing more than I've ever done in one weekend alone...it's crazy...
Friday, I'm creating the Washer's T-shirts around 6pm and then at 10pm, I'm heading out to go to Lumpy's with my friend Sara Boulter. Then on Saturday morning, I'll be at the car wash at 9am in Spanish Fork until 10:30, at which point I will leave to go to my friend's book club meeting at 11 in Draper. We are discussing "On the Road," by Jack Kerouac. Oh shoot, that reminds me...I have to read the whole book tonight! Lol. Then, after the book club meeting, I will be returning to the car wash. At some point in the afternoon, I will then be attending a Pig Roast that my friend has planned, after which I will head to Green Street for my friend Heidi Haas's birthday party at 9pm. After about an hour or so there, I will be heading out to go camping with two of my friends, Lisa and Will, and we'll be staying overnight until Sunday morning/afternoon. I will return by 2pm on Sunday, when my BBQ/Pool Party Bash will begin, which will last until 4am (or whenever the last person leaves). Now, add in time for meditation, exercise, blogging and the few random errands that are on my backburner, and OH YEAH, sleep! Haha, I ACTUALLY forgot that I will have to sleep at some point.....WOW. Yeah, I've got a littttttttle more than a full plate here, haha. It's exciting! I TOTALLY feel like a creator (finally)! I guess this is what business as usual feels like. :)
So, yeah, that is my update for y'all. If you want to or see anywhere you can assist, let me know. I am a Virgo, so I am all about volunteerism, haha. Come Monday, we will be returning to our "Your Personal Brand" series, so make sure you are prepared for the next blog in that great series.
Until Our Next Meeting,
Ryan!
Like I said, I have so much to do this weekend. I just began my first business, Get Smashed! (feel free to check it out here: Get Smashed! page), and there is a lot to still complete to get it into the wheels of success that the Universe is aligning me with! Additionally, this Saturday morning and afternoon, my friend Raina is having a $5 car wash to raise money so she can enroll in the Part Two: Brilliance Within training at The Great Life Foundation. As her angel, I will be there assisting her. She's also letting me bring branded shirts for the Washers to wear, and car window press-ons to give away to promote Get Smashed! To complete all of this, I've made a clear list to keep myself on track (and to remember everything! Haha).
Here is my to-do list:
1. Find buckets and rags to borrow or have, for the car wash
2. Call Dezaree Nielsen to receive information about the press-ons
3. Get 10 plain yellow T-shirts and Iron-On Printer Sheets
4. Get 10 pieces of posterboard, Sharpies, and small wooden posts to create signage
5. Find spaces in which to "Smash"
6. Ascertain breakable items
7. Get gloves and broom(s) for clean up
8. Create business cards and coupons and print them out
9. Call Melanie Muranaka and Jentri Harding to see about hiring them.
If any of my fabulous readers can assist me in any way, I'd love to hear how. Feel free to e-mail get.smashed.biz@gmail.com or call 801-913-2216 if you can.
Anyhow, I get to complete all this before 8 a.m. this Saturday! And, of course, I can't sacrifice my personal life for all of this. So on top of all that craziness above, I am living a full-fledged social life this weekend. I am doing more than I've ever done in one weekend alone...it's crazy...
Friday, I'm creating the Washer's T-shirts around 6pm and then at 10pm, I'm heading out to go to Lumpy's with my friend Sara Boulter. Then on Saturday morning, I'll be at the car wash at 9am in Spanish Fork until 10:30, at which point I will leave to go to my friend's book club meeting at 11 in Draper. We are discussing "On the Road," by Jack Kerouac. Oh shoot, that reminds me...I have to read the whole book tonight! Lol. Then, after the book club meeting, I will be returning to the car wash. At some point in the afternoon, I will then be attending a Pig Roast that my friend has planned, after which I will head to Green Street for my friend Heidi Haas's birthday party at 9pm. After about an hour or so there, I will be heading out to go camping with two of my friends, Lisa and Will, and we'll be staying overnight until Sunday morning/afternoon. I will return by 2pm on Sunday, when my BBQ/Pool Party Bash will begin, which will last until 4am (or whenever the last person leaves). Now, add in time for meditation, exercise, blogging and the few random errands that are on my backburner, and OH YEAH, sleep! Haha, I ACTUALLY forgot that I will have to sleep at some point.....WOW. Yeah, I've got a littttttttle more than a full plate here, haha. It's exciting! I TOTALLY feel like a creator (finally)! I guess this is what business as usual feels like. :)
So, yeah, that is my update for y'all. If you want to or see anywhere you can assist, let me know. I am a Virgo, so I am all about volunteerism, haha. Come Monday, we will be returning to our "Your Personal Brand" series, so make sure you are prepared for the next blog in that great series.
Until Our Next Meeting,
Ryan!
7.11.2009
Founders is the most influential LGAT I've ever encountered
Is it technically cheesing out on a committment if I snuck in and started the last blog at the last minute before the day ended, though I didn't finish it until the clock had past the strike of midnight? I vote no so I can have peace of mind. That's a win/win: you get a lovely new blog and I get peace of mind. Me likey :)
(In perfect truth, I started it before midnight on Saturday so the published time stamp would be then, but then I slept for TWELVE HOURS, haha, and am now actually starting to type it all at 4:12 pm on Sunday....and I probablhy won't finish it til like, 7 pm-ish tonight...)
So I have quite a bit to blog about today. I staffed the final day of Founders and wow, was it spectacular. I'm upset I choose not to go into details, in order to save the sacredness for those who have not yet experienced it, but I can say that I did something I have not done in....god, I don't even know how many years...maybe six? I prayed. In front of 40 other people. And I did something I have never done before. I prayed with a full, contrite, grateful heart. It truly was one of the top experiences of my life, that moment. And I thank Jayson Orvis, Brett Harward, Jocelyn Harward, Randy Blosil and, mostly, Walter Allred for bringing me that experience.
I never knew I could feel so intimately entwined with any form of deity. I never knew that I could feel as a deity myself. I never believed I could feel so secure surrounded by my closest loved ones. I never thought that I would be thankful for some of the things that came to me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have noticed the things I am most grateful for, and really come to terms with my life in the most powerful, clearest way possible.
I was bawling throughout the prayer, swearing a couple times, too (haha) -- it was the sheerest moment of my perfection. And I am SO, unrepayably (if that is a word...if not, it is now) grateful and indebted to Walt, Randy and Jocelyn. I am upset that this blog could never -- nor could mere mortal expression -- highlight, let alone fully express, either the gratitude I feel toward them, or the peace and love I feel for myself and for the spiritual part of me, that beautiful essence of me with which I have so long feared connection. Neither could I ever humanly express what I experienced. It was the breakthrough of breakthroughs for me in this moment of my life. It was like connecting with everyone in the entire world simultaneously in the same moment and bringing that home to myself, and feeling every piece of the depths of it in my heart. It was like glimpsing at whatever it is that makes up the oneness of us all and saying "I love you" and having that love silently, humbly returned to me. It was forgiveness and peace and clarity. It was generosity and love and humility. It was complete oneness. It was grace. And yes, it was definitely How God Enrolls. It was the deepest moment I have ever experienced in my life, and I am grateful that it was first and foremost with myself, as well as with my dearest buddies.
Thank you to all of those who share this blog with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion and care. Thank you for your depth, your trust, your willingness, and your peaceful grace.
Now it is your turn:
What is the deepest moment you have ever experienced? How do you feel about spirituality, and what is the path you have taken to come to that conclusion?
I IMMENSELY look forward to reading your comments.
With Love, Peace and Grace,
Ryan!
(In perfect truth, I started it before midnight on Saturday so the published time stamp would be then, but then I slept for TWELVE HOURS, haha, and am now actually starting to type it all at 4:12 pm on Sunday....and I probablhy won't finish it til like, 7 pm-ish tonight...)
So I have quite a bit to blog about today. I staffed the final day of Founders and wow, was it spectacular. I'm upset I choose not to go into details, in order to save the sacredness for those who have not yet experienced it, but I can say that I did something I have not done in....god, I don't even know how many years...maybe six? I prayed. In front of 40 other people. And I did something I have never done before. I prayed with a full, contrite, grateful heart. It truly was one of the top experiences of my life, that moment. And I thank Jayson Orvis, Brett Harward, Jocelyn Harward, Randy Blosil and, mostly, Walter Allred for bringing me that experience.
I never knew I could feel so intimately entwined with any form of deity. I never knew that I could feel as a deity myself. I never believed I could feel so secure surrounded by my closest loved ones. I never thought that I would be thankful for some of the things that came to me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have noticed the things I am most grateful for, and really come to terms with my life in the most powerful, clearest way possible.
I was bawling throughout the prayer, swearing a couple times, too (haha) -- it was the sheerest moment of my perfection. And I am SO, unrepayably (if that is a word...if not, it is now) grateful and indebted to Walt, Randy and Jocelyn. I am upset that this blog could never -- nor could mere mortal expression -- highlight, let alone fully express, either the gratitude I feel toward them, or the peace and love I feel for myself and for the spiritual part of me, that beautiful essence of me with which I have so long feared connection. Neither could I ever humanly express what I experienced. It was the breakthrough of breakthroughs for me in this moment of my life. It was like connecting with everyone in the entire world simultaneously in the same moment and bringing that home to myself, and feeling every piece of the depths of it in my heart. It was like glimpsing at whatever it is that makes up the oneness of us all and saying "I love you" and having that love silently, humbly returned to me. It was forgiveness and peace and clarity. It was generosity and love and humility. It was complete oneness. It was grace. And yes, it was definitely How God Enrolls. It was the deepest moment I have ever experienced in my life, and I am grateful that it was first and foremost with myself, as well as with my dearest buddies.
Thank you to all of those who share this blog with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion and care. Thank you for your depth, your trust, your willingness, and your peaceful grace.
Now it is your turn:
What is the deepest moment you have ever experienced? How do you feel about spirituality, and what is the path you have taken to come to that conclusion?
I IMMENSELY look forward to reading your comments.
With Love, Peace and Grace,
Ryan!
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