Right now I am battling with my self-worth.
*I had a threesome last night and totally proved my sexual prowess to myself again, reaffirming it after a LONG absence. On the other hand, I want one of the guys that was involved to be intensely attracted to me because I am attracted to him and I've tied up my worth in how much someone to whom I am attracted is attracted to me.
*My heart is fighting to retain my worth, and the battle is only going on because my head has collected experiences that want to barricade my from hurt by prepping me with the memories and saying, "Look, you're not worth anything, so don't get your hopes up." My head truly has the best intentions; it doesn't realize that when it says that, it hurts me.
*I love me. I truly do. I think I am beautiful, I think my pudge is cute, and my body hair is actually quite sexy :) I have amazing social skills, I am the life and center of the party, I motivate people to have fun, I understand business navigation, I know how to take risks and I know how to live life! I am quite incredible! :)
*I am not the best friend in the world right now. I still treat people like robots, like they are less than, and like they should bend to my will. But that doesn't AT ALL make me a bad person. It just means I have some loving and learning to do. :) What a brilliant way to look at it, Ryan: I get to practice loving people! How awesome :)
*One big reason I get so stuck in my battle for self-worth is EXPECTATIONS. My expectations for others really blocks people from trusting me and feeling valued by me, which all people want. Also, my expectations for myself get in my way of building relationships because I get scared that I won't be good enough and I get stuck in the fear. However, there is a beautiful, inspiring Greatness that casts that Shadow: my expectations for myself and others is what inspires us to dream big and achieve things we previously thought were impossible. Then we can be proud of ourselves for accomplishing said item and thereby increase our self-worth. It's all about delivery. When delivered through judgment or fear, I get in the way. When I state something grounded in belief, love and hope, I inspire.
Cheers to practice! :)
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
5.18.2010
5.09.2010
Greatness/Shadow
K, so this weekend, I learned something great about myself. I have no self worth when I choose to not have it, and I have a lot of self-worth when I choose to have it. Additionally, I realized why I would want to choose to have self-worth.
For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.
So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)
I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!
So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.
So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.
So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.
I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.
That is all for now.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.
So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)
I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!
So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.
So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.
So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.
I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.
That is all for now.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
5.05.2010
If _____ Then _____?
I was reading a Yahoo! article today about words that will sink your career and found an interesting one: IF. I don't say many of the other words or terms listed, but as I read the author's reasoning for including this one, I couldn't help but figuratively bow my head in shame for committing this cardinal sin. And it was nice to notice, because I got to see another piece to my lack-of-motivation-puzzle. Read on:
As I've been (thinking and talking about) working on this TV show, I've used "if" many times. And this isn't even a Mt. Everest to me. This is cake, in that, everything is lined up for me already, I just get to coalesce and lead the team. But therein lies the challenge for me. I use "if" at every turn with this one BECAUSE it relies on other people doing their part -- or so I formerly thought. What these 2 beautiful little paragraphs assisted me in seeing is that in reality, my success with this project relies on my ability to lead and forge ahead. Sure, the person I lined up to actually do the filming may punk out, but the success does not rely solely on him; he could just be a good scapegoat on whom I can blame my inability to sculpt my success. In reality, if he leaves the project, then cool, that's what he wants to do...where is my next step? Well, it seems that it would be to find someone else who is willing to travel with me and film. We step left and adjust. And the same goes for anyone who is involved in the project. Ironically, the only person I can not do that with is myself. If I choose out of the project (which I do one piece at a time with all these "if" statements), there is no one to replace me -- to sculpt MY success, that is. The project may be completed by someone else some other time in life, but it won't be for my gain. I will not have learned about myself. I will not have forged true connections. I will not have proven myself as strong as I want to be. I will not have given it my all. And the project will go to someone else.
(Eric, here's your reluctantly placed line break)
So, what's my next step with this iffue? (Yes, that's a cute/corny play on words. Deal with it.) One might say changing "if" to "when" but for me that doesn't necessarily feel right. It feels shallow. I could say "When so-and-so completes his part of the task, we will succeed," but that doesn't take the whole issue/iffue into account. That mindset still allows for MY success to rely wholly on someone else. So I get to conform my mindset to: "When I feel complete with this part of the task, we will succeed."
Thoughts?
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
"If"
Projects depend on everyone doing his or her part. People who use "if" are usually playing the blame game and betting against themselves. They like to set conditions, rather than assuming a successful outcome. People who rely on conditional responses are fortifying themselves against potential failure. They will say, "If Bob finishes his part, then I can do my part." They're laying the groundwork for a "no fault" excuse and for not finishing their work.
There are always alternatives, other routes, and ways to get the job done. Excuse makers usually have the energy of a slug and the spine of a jellyfish. You don't want them on your team when you're trying to climb Mt. Everest.
As I've been (thinking and talking about) working on this TV show, I've used "if" many times. And this isn't even a Mt. Everest to me. This is cake, in that, everything is lined up for me already, I just get to coalesce and lead the team. But therein lies the challenge for me. I use "if" at every turn with this one BECAUSE it relies on other people doing their part -- or so I formerly thought. What these 2 beautiful little paragraphs assisted me in seeing is that in reality, my success with this project relies on my ability to lead and forge ahead. Sure, the person I lined up to actually do the filming may punk out, but the success does not rely solely on him; he could just be a good scapegoat on whom I can blame my inability to sculpt my success. In reality, if he leaves the project, then cool, that's what he wants to do...where is my next step? Well, it seems that it would be to find someone else who is willing to travel with me and film. We step left and adjust. And the same goes for anyone who is involved in the project. Ironically, the only person I can not do that with is myself. If I choose out of the project (which I do one piece at a time with all these "if" statements), there is no one to replace me -- to sculpt MY success, that is. The project may be completed by someone else some other time in life, but it won't be for my gain. I will not have learned about myself. I will not have forged true connections. I will not have proven myself as strong as I want to be. I will not have given it my all. And the project will go to someone else.
(Eric, here's your reluctantly placed line break)
So, what's my next step with this iffue? (Yes, that's a cute/corny play on words. Deal with it.) One might say changing "if" to "when" but for me that doesn't necessarily feel right. It feels shallow. I could say "When so-and-so completes his part of the task, we will succeed," but that doesn't take the whole issue/iffue into account. That mindset still allows for MY success to rely wholly on someone else. So I get to conform my mindset to: "When I feel complete with this part of the task, we will succeed."
Thoughts?
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
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