I'm Grateful For The Living

Sometimes when you want something, you've gotta go full force at it. That's what I've been doing the past six months. And sometimes when you do that, you don't always have one hundred percent happy results.

The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."

I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...

I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.

I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.

Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.

My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?

I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.

I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.

I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.

Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.

I Choose Love

Well, at first, I intended this blog to be longer, because I was going to do some emotional sorting via it, but it turns out I just did it in the past ten minutes in my head, LOL, so I'm just gonna give a bit of a recap and share some thoughts. Please, feel free to comment if you want more info or help with this aspect in your own life.

A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight

...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..

Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.

Seeing in RED: Eyes Wiped Clean

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
--Nelson Mandela

How many of us are afraid of HIV/AIDS? Are you? Did you just contemplate closing your browser after reading that question? If so, I would wager that you are. If you kept it open, still inventory yourself. You may be afraid of it, but willing to learn more. That is what we need to do to relinquish any fear we have from the hold it loves to keep on us. We learn about it. We experience it. We live a life that includes it in some aspect of our being. Now, (obviously) I am not saying "Hey, let's all go out and get HIV, so we can have some compassion..." But how many of us are too scared of it to even include it somewhere in our lives?

I'm beginning by calling out myself.
I have been SO scared of even approaching the topic of HIV/AIDS ANYwhere in my life. I have judged those who have contracted HIV as whores, sluts, irresponsible men who have no idea how to take care of themselves, or have any compassion for anyone else, so why should I have compassion for them??? HOWEVER, what I see now is that I chose to live in that judgment because it was too scary, as an uneducated gay man, for me to be able to approach a positive individual and say "I love you." What an atrocity, for that would mean that I might be labeled as positive! I could never endure such judgment -- the very same judgment I was casting and expecting others to endure.

I continue by calling you out.
How much do you know about HIV? How much have you educated yourself? How often do you reach out to those who have HIV? How many excuses have you already thrown up in defense of yourself? Too often, we believe it is not OUR burden to bear. Well, TRUST, it is not a burden. It is a gift -- in my opinion -- to be able to see someone with such beautiful compassion and see them through eyes wiped clean.
How often do you pity someone you've learned has HIV? How often do you ask if someone is "clean" (implying that if they have HIV or AIDS, they are "dirty")? How often do those with HIV/AIDS keep it a secret? How ashamed are they that they have it? On the other hand, let's be accountable: How many times do we judge those who live with HIV, fostering an environment in which they feel ashamed to be who they really are?

These are the words of a friend who is gay, lives with HIV, and has lived in Salt Lake City:

"The Community in Salt Lake are the prime example of hypocrites. They want equality from a church, yet they don't accept people with HIV...the community is SO uninformed. I hated being known as someone created by a community and not for who I really am. So I dealt with the humiliation and segregation from those who I called my friends."

This is ONE person. I've spoken with another friend about HIV/AIDS -- a public force in our community -- and he feels similarly.

Tyler Helms, who created IMPACT Red, now writes a bi-weekly column in The Advocate, called "Living the Questions" about what it is like to do just that. This decade is the time of education -- positive members of society truly are living the questions such that the rest of us may choose to educate ourselves with the answers. This is enough for which to honor these positive heroes. Tyler writes:

"I was finding that society expected full disclosure, would hold you
accountable for any risk, but was virtually unprepared for the openness. But demanding honesty and integrity is hard to do in a society that encourages truth but would prefer not to know it. In a city....where you will be heckled for speaking out about a truth that impacts us all. It even gets the most vocal of us down.
"But those willing to embark on a relationship with someone positive seem rare. The majority of people I meet are more willing to donate than go on a date. Perhaps this is why so many keep their secret from those they love. In the days following my December 1 public disclosure, I received an unsettling number of notes from people who are positive but have told no one. I sadly understand why they don’t. The fear of being alone, being judged, or not finding love often makes disclosure too great a risk — a risk that still is prevalent in 2010. To think they keep this secret from loved ones, hookups, and in some cases long-term partners is shocking. It’s also dangerous to our society."

What do WE do to educate? About the facts, and about the emotion? What do we do to encourage debate, to instigate learning, to honor those who teach? What are we doing to further this epidemic? How are OUR choices impacting US as a whole? What is our perspective around those who live their days with HIV/AIDS? Would we -- really -- reach out to someone who becomes positive?

Because whether we are gay or straight, or positive or negative, the answers -- and the questions themselves -- involve us aligning as one bloc: loving, powerful, clear and COMMITTED.

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
'Cause you and me: competitive to the bone.
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured,
We are not all for one and one for all.
You and me have felt impotent in our skin,
You and me have taken it out on each other.
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come --
With how strong we've been!
You and me are on this pendulum together,
You and me, with scarcity still fueling,
You and me have made it harder for the other;
We forget how hard separatism has been.
You and me, we can help change their minds together (with)
You and me in alignment until the end.
--Alanis Morissette, from the song "Sister Blister"

How Are You Doing?

Right now I am battling with my self-worth.

*I had a threesome last night and totally proved my sexual prowess to myself again, reaffirming it after a LONG absence. On the other hand, I want one of the guys that was involved to be intensely attracted to me because I am attracted to him and I've tied up my worth in how much someone to whom I am attracted is attracted to me.

*My heart is fighting to retain my worth, and the battle is only going on because my head has collected experiences that want to barricade my from hurt by prepping me with the memories and saying, "Look, you're not worth anything, so don't get your hopes up." My head truly has the best intentions; it doesn't realize that when it says that, it hurts me.

*I love me. I truly do. I think I am beautiful, I think my pudge is cute, and my body hair is actually quite sexy :) I have amazing social skills, I am the life and center of the party, I motivate people to have fun, I understand business navigation, I know how to take risks and I know how to live life! I am quite incredible! :)

*I am not the best friend in the world right now. I still treat people like robots, like they are less than, and like they should bend to my will. But that doesn't AT ALL make me a bad person. It just means I have some loving and learning to do. :) What a brilliant way to look at it, Ryan: I get to practice loving people! How awesome :)

*One big reason I get so stuck in my battle for self-worth is EXPECTATIONS. My expectations for others really blocks people from trusting me and feeling valued by me, which all people want. Also, my expectations for myself get in my way of building relationships because I get scared that I won't be good enough and I get stuck in the fear. However, there is a beautiful, inspiring Greatness that casts that Shadow: my expectations for myself and others is what inspires us to dream big and achieve things we previously thought were impossible. Then we can be proud of ourselves for accomplishing said item and thereby increase our self-worth. It's all about delivery. When delivered through judgment or fear, I get in the way. When I state something grounded in belief, love and hope, I inspire.

Cheers to practice! :)


Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Monday, April 5, 2010, 12:43 AM

Tonight, I'm learning to be free. And it is truly scaring the shit out of me, because that means I don't get to have control, something I've long held in my life, the thing most highly sought after my whole life.

I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.

"It might never be the same, we may never be able to live those days gone by, but we can try."

I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?

I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.

Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.

Love and Peace!

Icelandia! (Well, that's actually a deceptive title...it ended up being more about Alex...Lol)

I think Iceland should rename itself to Icelandia just for the hell of it. We all know it's much more fun to scream ICELANDIA!!! than it is to say "Oh, yeah, I'm in.....sigh...Iceland...what a boring name, I know, right?..."
Haha ;P

Anyhow, I am here! And I am queer! Get used to it! haha ;P I am all sorts of fun and weird today...it must be the altitude...or jet lag...or whatever else I can blame it on in jest. Lol! Oh, man...ANNNYhow, I think it is actually that I am crushing on someone and SIMULTANEOUSLY having one of the most stretching experiences of my life to date by traveling to La Europa alone!! GYAHHHH!!

Ah! My mom just pointed something out to me--> It's probably actually the lack of sleep, haha...THERE we go...

ANYHOW, I am doing pretty fucking well, if you can't tell....just like a bell...though I smell....like hell...wow, I'm just pretty much ridiculous. Sorry if you came here to read this blog hoping it might be something deep and insightful and, well, worth your time haha!

So, yeah, crushing on this amazing guy named Alex. He is SIX FEET SEVEN!! I LOVE IT! As I was on the plane from SLC to Boston, he texted me that he hopes I have a good trip and all that sweet stuff, and I wasn't expecting anything, like, at all, because we just met the day before I left, and I thought we'd said the goodbyes we were going to say, like, the night before. And I am SO ecstatic that he sent those texts yesterday...I mean, it's just so sweet...that he thinks about me that much already :) You may not know this about me, but I LOVE being the benefactor of large amounts of attention (when it's ingratiating...lol).

Just by being, he is teaching me so much about myself and how I normally do relationships, and how to be a better person, and how to treat people differently and better and with more compassion. And how to treat myself better and with more compassion, too. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he's increddddibly sexy....like, from 0-60...we'll just put it that way...HAHA!

And then, like, we have SO much in common, it's great...like, more than I've ever had in common with anyone else. It's actually almost creepy. It's like he has sat in my head for the last 6 years and studied everything about me, and then recorded all my thoughts or answers or ideas in his own voice and then played them out of his mouth randomly as we got to know each other the other night. And he's a total Cockerspaniel-type personality, which I love, 'cause he's also an Aries, so he's got that firey Lion personality, too, and he has those two great traits in just the perfect amount of ration....I seriously can't think of anything "wrong" with him..well, actually, I just remembered, he had bad B.O. when we went out dancing. Lol. That's his one detracting quality. I think I can put up with that......At least I'll try to..
;P





Oh! P.S. since you're all probably wondering, I am in Iceland, I am safe, and I am having fun with myself! (Not like that, Cary....I know you'll go there...lol)
Oh, and there are TONS of hot men. There were in the Boston-Logan airport, too...I think that something needs to be done to Utah gay men...they need a Boston/Icelandic makeover..Haha. MMMMMMM.
Wow, even that quick update turned into an update about the sexiness of the men around me..sheesh! Well, I guess that's a good thing, eh? It means I'm attracting such an abundance of sexy men in my life that I can't think of anything else.
Or else it means I'm a horndog right now.
Hmmmmm.....To be or not to be?....
LOL

Credit United, Possibilities Unlimited!

K, not even gonna lie, I only put that title because it was a REALLY good (albeit maybe cheesy?) tag line. Haha.

Anyhow, right now I work at a company called Credit United. I've worked for similar companies before, and haven't done very well at them, and to be honest I am feeling the same way about this one. I want to do really well at it, and I am working the best I can at it...notating my results, receiving feedback, checking my results against my feedback and changing course accordingly. I've got 7 sales today, which, according to my manager (Jason Unruh), is decent, but I'm totally not happy about it because my only other co-worker has obtained, like, 13 today! And I was kicking her ass yesterday (but not even that well...)...sigh..it's very disconcerting to me. I feel like I am connecting with everyone I am speaking with, except for those people who are TOTAL douchebags, and my lack of connection is only because of them, ya know?...7 in an 8-hour shift is PITIFUL. Granted, I've had A LOT of voicemails today, whereas yesterday I had more direct-connects, but still..it's just frustrating...I guess I gotta just take it one day at a time.

Eh, but here's another predicament: I am raising money for my Iceland trip and for school, and for rent while I'm gone in Iceland, and I need $5,080 total. So, to accomplish that, I need to refer 8 people an hour -- and I thought that would be doable when I was first hired...but now I'm not even getting 8 people in a DAY. I mean, if I keep going the way I'm going, not only will I not have a job, but even if for some reason I do, I'd still be working full-time to only be making 640 bucks a month -- before taxes! That's hella not worth it...

How the fuck can I make $5,080 before September 7th??? I feel blind, I feel trapped, I'm hella frustrated, and I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, which is very scary. I will see it for, like, maybe 3 seconds and then it'll quickly go away and I can't get it back. I feel so lost.

I feel like my goal is so pure. All I want is to create enough money to go back to school to become a better me, and to love myself more, and I wanna create money to SERVE OTHER PEOPLE over in Iceland...so why am I not attracting the money toward myself? And I truly feel like I deserve it, too, which is new, and awesome! But nothing...nothing is happening, nothing is changing as quickly as it needs to be for everything to be lined up. I am in this fucked up place where I feel, for the most part, like I am this awesome creator, and then when I look into my bank account, it's like, Hey, nope, you're totally not! Ha! And I'm just like "Fine, fuck you then..."

I am hating this. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and I wish I knew how to get out. Can someone please assist me?

In Vulnerable Desperation,

Ryan!