As I read a friend's blog today, I thought about all the things I say "I'm not enough" for. Just last night I was texting a friend and when she asked me what stops me from loving and accepting my body, I told her all of them. I think there were about 7 in all. And that was just for my body -- this mortal casing! I read through the comments on that friend's blog and people were listing all the ways in which they believe they are not enough for something. I came across one that said "I am not athletic enough to do cross-country" and immediately I thought "Well, that's silly! Part of participating in a sport is learning it (in my beliefs)!" So that person is perfectly enough to do cross-country, as they will learn along the way the best ways in which to stay in shape to continue successfully doing cross-country.
Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.
How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.
Showing posts with label worth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worth. Show all posts
9.19.2010
9.16.2010
I'm RV'ing Across the United States, Giving Music, Service & Worth
1) I am getting with Shawn Saunders, Justan Peterson & Jordan Beckstead to make music to my lyrics.
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
8.01.2010
Learning The Long Way
My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends,
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live
But I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.
I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling...
Lived like a gypsy,
Six strong hands on the steering wheel.
I've been a long time gone now.
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down,
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
I met the queen of whatever,
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies,
Moved with the shakers --
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to,
No I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself.
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself.
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow,
No I, I could never follow.
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else,
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down.
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...
I am a 23-year-old guy. I’ve always liked to think of myself as grander than I am, but the truth is that I am a 23-year-old guy who is trying to figure out what this world is all about so he can play in it successfully. I am incredibly powerful, and intensely loving, and I am highly intelligent, and I am beautifully creative, and my mind works in artistic ways others can never fathom, and I even am sometimes astounded by, and I am just living my life, experiencing everything that is going on and learning what it is about. And I just claimed this last night.
Others may have hopes and aspirations for me. Others may have agendas, biases and plans for my life. Others may see in me potential I have yet unlocked to myself; or others may see in me a reflection of the them that they lost long ago and are trying to restore. And none of that is me. To me. To me, I am just another powerfully creative, divine young man walking this earth, inspiring as he can and checking his best interest.
I don’t always know what my best interest is, and I’m a very “big picture”-esque guy, so I get distracted in the details and I get lost in the hubbub, the here-and-there. I see spirits, and auras, and movement of light and being, and I hear beyond someone’s voice. When someone speaks, I see their heart, and if their words don’t jump into their heart like a tiger through a flaming hoop, I know they are full of shit…in that moment at least. And I am astounded that others don’t have this gift.
This May while staffing Founders, Jayson Orvis came up to me and we briefly chatted. I mentioned something about Pamela, or a trainee, or someone. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was regarding their spirit. The offhand sentence I uttered – to ME – was nothing new…it was nothing difficult to decipher about this person…I believed anyone could see it. And he turned to me and he said “Well, yeah, that’s easy for someone like you to see.” And I turned back to him with a puzzled appearance and said “Wait. What?” And he said something like “That’s easy for you to see. You see spiritual shit like that” [obviously that’s not verbatim…] and my jaw dropped in my mind. This is Jayson Orvis, THE trainer of Founders. And he sees this as something special? Well, maybe that’s something I should look into about myself, because I’ve always thought it was normal for people to be able to think like I do, and see things about others that I do.
I continue to learn how great my perception and intuition are. I continue to learn the fuller scale of each and value them appropriately. I think that may be one of my ongoing life lessons…to attune myself to my gifts, validate them and then utilize and develop them.
This month has been a HUGE, intense mirror for me to peer into. It has been clear, it has been foggy, it has been missing, it has been perfectly representative. And I’ve chosen all those manners of being for my mirror. As I drove up to Salt Lake City last night, I had ample time to process. In fact, I had about ten hours, to be more precise! And the soundtrack flowing from my iPod could not have been more perfect in order to support me.
I’ve learned that I’ve focused on what I lack, how much I lack, why I don’t have enough, that I’ll never have enough, where I CAN’T get more so I’m even more doomed, that the Universe must be out to get me, why the Universe must be out to get me, paranoia and all the emotions that come wherewith. I have not spent most of my month focusing on abundance, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, joy, how the Universe has supported/supports me, or my power and worth. And my whole demeanor shifted once I realized that and started to put into practice the latter items listed.
When I was actually GRATEFUL that my iPod battery died before I got all the way home (because I was in Santaquin by then and was able to reset my radio presets, and re-memorize them by the time I got home to crash), my heart was light instead of dark, dank and heavy, filled with anger, stress and frustration. When my sister -- who I have been incredibly angry at and felt betrayed by for the past two months -- called, I was actually happy to hear her share how she was having fun and she wished I was there to have fun with her, unaware I was on my way up to the City, my being -- my actual divine spiritual being -- changed from one of premeditated murder of my soul to instead filling my soul with life and joy and respect and trust and beauty and compassion. I was light. And right now, I am light. And it feels really marvelous.
And I’m not saying I won’t experience the darkness, because life is a dichotomy and there is a shadow to every Oak of Brilliance. But now I have more frames of reference from which to pull in order to drag my butt out of my nerd. Which is good news for YOU: Maybe I won’t be so bitchy as often! Haha! (And if I am, please call me out on it – in a loving, compassionate, respectful way!)
I love you all.
Peace, Love and Kisses,
Apollo
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal,
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there --
I'll be there.
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll BE there.
7.29.2010
Life In Cartoon Motion
Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain. I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
I am beautiful, in every single way.
To all your friends, you're delirious. So confused.
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness.
But you are beautiful. No matter what they say.
Words can't bring you down.
You are beautiful, in EVERY SINGLE way.
No matter what we do, no matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine.
--Christina Aguilera
From the song "Beautiful" from the album "Stripped"
Over the last few months, I have been tackling my lack of self-worth. I have been screaming at myself. Hating myself. Glaring at myself in the mirror for the ugliness I possessed. Wanting to punch the mirror and shatter all those words and judgments and beliefs into little pieces. And then hating myself for not doing so, and continuing to believe all the warring thoughts I had about myself.
I've blamed myself for breaking up my engagement. I've blamed myself for his alcoholism. I've hated myself for the actions I took during the course of our relationship, and our break-up. I've hated myself for the last 17 years, letting each unconscious year pile up the interest. I've told myself I'm "perfect," that I'm alright, that everyone loves me...so I don't have to. And it all finally came to a screeching halt when I walked through (and 3 days later, out of) the doors to The Great Life Foundation's Singles/Relationships training, without having any idea why.
I hated Great Life. I hated the trainer. I hated the fact that they were trying to resurrect this obvious failure of a training. Even though I loved them, I convinced myself that I hated everyone who was in the room with me, because they were about to learn all of my sin. I had no fucking clue why I had just paid this place my money. I had no idea why, given all of that hatred for where I was at in that moment, why I continued walking in through the doors. I kept saying to myself "Get out of here, what the fuck are you doing? You know you don't want to be here, and you have so many reasons to back it up." And then the sweet voice of my Spirit spoke up and said "Just don't listen to that right now, okay. Walk in, sit down, and do the training until you can't anymore. Then you will know you are done. At THAT point you will know it was too much for you, or was wrong for you. Just keep walking. Just keep walking." And I kept walking.
I was joined by my favorite people at Great Life, and some new people I'd never even met, which is very rare for me. You see, I worked at Great Life for a year from 2008-2009, and I was the only person working there who seemed to actually care about and get in touch with the graduates and work for their rights, be on their side of the game. So I became known there very quickly. So much so that people I don't see as often STILL ask me "So, you still work at Great Life?"....a year later...after only putting in a year there......Lol. As I saw all of my favorite people walk in the doors, and we all started dancing, I thought "Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to be vulnerable in front of all these people. I CANNOT do that. They know the inspiring me. They know the powerful me. They know the courageous me." And just as I started to get up the courage to stay in the room -- and even smile -- I turned around and in one MINUTE glance, I saw Daniel Lauro. "NOPE I am leaving RIGHT now!" screamed my brain, and I turned to leave the room, and right then the sweet voice yelled (so it could be louder than the music) "What are you doing? This is not the point for you to leave. It's just Daniel."
"But it's DANIEL FUCKING LAURO. I CANNOT be vulnerable and courageous and sweet and learn what I need to learn with the sexiest gay man around Great Life in this room. I CANnot do it!"
"Yes. It will be difficult. But deal. This is not the point at which you leave."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....
FINE!
FUCK!!!!
(Did I say that yet???)
So I continued in the class, and I lived in every horrible moment about myself, and I left once the class was over. THAT was the point at which I was to leave, that I'd been guiding myself to this whole time.
So perfectly did every moment come up in that class that reminded me of my self-loathing. And I took myself to the wall every time, reminding myself that this is what I deserved. I DESERVE to let go of my lack, and my bitterness, and my anger, and my pity, and my impurities. This class was the refiner's fire for me. And I am so grateful for it.
Now, this post isn't some pitch for the class. I mean, if you find value in the words I've shared, and you haven't taken this training, or any of the trainings at The Great Life Foundation, then cool. I suggest you check 'em out, simply 'cause I've learned SOOOOO much about myself and what works for me and my life from completing the trainings there, but this is in no way supposed to be an ad, lol. My experience in this class best describes in a shorter manner what I have been feeling my whole life, in order to highlight the growth I have gone through and am about to explain.
I feel beautiful. I really feel that word.
Beautiful.
I can claim it.
And I have been pushing down that feeling for well over a decade now. I cannot actually remember a time where I've felt beautiful -- but I do right now. And it has staying power. It is IN ME. It is my spirit. I am a beautiful young man. And no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. Whatever someone may say is THEIR reality, and they let that dictate their life, their behaviors, actions and beliefs. And I am over here in my reality, and I can choose to let it dictate my life, behaviors, actions and beliefs. But I am no longer choosing that, because it hurts, and I now am aware of how intensely beautiful I am. I don't NEED to prolong their message. I don't NEED to feel ugly, stupid, impotent, useless, manipulative, unworthy, or untrustworthy. Because I am none of those things. They are all just stories others have told about me that I have bought in to. And THEN I even enrolled OTHERS into believing those stories about me too! How crazy! LOL.
I tried to be like Grace KellySo, yeah, I now see and know this, and just in case you were wondering as well:
But all her looks were too sad...
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!
I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, Gotta be mean, Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
Now, getting angry doesn't solve anything
How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?
--Mika
From the song "Grace Kelly" from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"
I am beautiful.
I am intensely intelligent.
I am intuitive. My spirit is one of the most high-functioning I've ever experienced.
I am generous. I care SO much about the welfare of others, in my community, in my life, and in my heart.
I am loving, and I am nurturing. I love to love people. I love to feel love from people. I love to exchange our spirits and our beauty and our warmth in an engaging manner, leaving the experience with the realization that we are both divine spirits.
I am funny. Oh my GOD, have I learned this one, recently and quickly! I always knew I had a talent for wit -n- quip, but I never believed myself to be hilarious, and DAMN, girl, I AM! I am always making people around me explode in laughter, and if not, I am ALWAYS laughing with myself!
I am full of passion, bursting and brimming with excitement for myself, and for life, and for serving others the best way I can!
I bring joy, peace, clarity, stability and serenity into people's lives.
I am courageous. I do things that most other people will not, because they are afraid to and they let the fear stop them, whereas I am afraid to and I don't let the fear stop me. I push through it with my courage.
I am inspiring. I really felt this one this morning -- about an hour ago. I live my life uncommonly, and in that way I inspire others to SURVIVE their lives instead of to give up. I inspire others to LIVE their lives in the moment. I inspire others to be grateful for what they have, who they are, and what they have been able to achieve in their lives. I inspire others to look past what their beliefs are, and see what they could be. I inspire others to see the future and make it reality.
I love me. Finally. Right now. Count on it. I love me. A lot. I can't even get over saying it! Haha! I. Love. Me.
Who's with me?? :D
5.09.2010
Greatness/Shadow
K, so this weekend, I learned something great about myself. I have no self worth when I choose to not have it, and I have a lot of self-worth when I choose to have it. Additionally, I realized why I would want to choose to have self-worth.
For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.
So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)
I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!
So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.
So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.
So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.
I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.
That is all for now.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.
So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)
I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!
So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.
So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.
So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.
I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.
That is all for now.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
4.16.2010
Two Sides of the Same Coin
Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?
Bring on tomorrow.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?
Bring on tomorrow.
3.05.2010
Who knew P90X would open up my soul?
Blog Buddies:
K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).
This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!
A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.
As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.
All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)
--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom
K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).
This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!
A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.
As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.
All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)
--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom
7.08.2009
Ahhhhh, thank god for blogs! What a way to clear myself!
Hey, blog buddies, how are you doing today?! I hope you are great. Today is a new, fresh day; a new beginning if you choose it. I hope you do, because life sucks when we're stuck, and when we refuse to enjoy life for ourselves.
Anyhow, at the beginning of May, I joined an MLM-type of company that distributes energy drinks. The company is called eFusjon, and it is really a DELICIOUS energy drink. Not only is it great 'cause it's delicious, but even better: I can drink it! You see, three years ago, I had a seizure after a night of partying during which I had a few Rockstars, so ever since, I have sworn off energy drinks because of the IMMENSELY UNHEALTHY amount of caffeine they have in them (and while we're on the health subject, let's not forget to mention how much sugar they have in them! Bah!)
Anyhow, I was introduced to eFusjon by a friend and I was like, "Yeah, whatever, dude, it's an energy drink, I don't give a damn about it." That was my front, 'cause I somehow had to convince myself to hate energy drinks so I wouldn't pounce on them every chance I got; I just loved their taste sooo much! Then he told me about their "Raw" version, which is the same energy drink, but without caffeine. And I was like, "Well, that's cool that they'd venture there, but it obviously won't work. Caffeine is the only reason the other energy drinks work....duh..." (Yes, this is the exact candid, uncensored bitchiness I gave him, lol). But in the end, I trust him with any financial endeavor ever, and would follow him off a skyscraper if he told me it would make me money and I wouldn't die. So I signed up. Note here, please, that I'm not trying to enroll you or sign you up. I'm purely writing my thoughts and my story because I think it's a fun story. :)
So, continuing:
I signed up because I ended up trusting what he was talking about. And I've learned that that's the only reason people will ever sign up for anything, specifically anything that they perceive will risk them money, time, or their reputation. I've also learned that people will trust other people for the silliest reasons sometimes! Haha. Anyhow, I signed up in May and I spent a little less than $200 doing so, and that was a huge risk/obstacle for me. I have clung to money like it's a collector's item -- at least when it comes to RISKING IT. When it's being blown on cute clothes, it just FLIES out of my hands! Haha! So I freaked out that I risked that much on something that's "not a sure bet." K, but technically, this is the surest bet I could possibly have put my money on. I'll willingly go to Wendover and Vegas and blow a few hundred bucks, which i silly logic because I'm completely betting on luck...some of the games involve skill, yes, but for the most part, I'm betting on luck. I'm investing money into something that I really have no or minimal control over. Yet this opportunity actually, logically, makes sense. 'Cause I'm putting money down on MYSELF. I'm betting how well I can perform a job. I'm betting that I can be a solid communicator. I'm betting that I have solid, trusting, engaging friendships and relationships. I'm betting solely on myself.
HOWEVER, I didn't realize this at the time, so I totally freaked out on myself. And because I freaked out, I shut down...I was already in shut down mode from having quit my job and not knowing what I was doing at that point, not knowing where life was going, and not knowing where my money was coming from next.....and then I spent some of the precious money I had! Ahhhhhh, my mind was going craaaaaaaaazzzzzyyyyy! So I shut down, and I didn't mention to anyone that I was a part of this club, and I totally hid. To illistrate how much I hid, I was talking to my friend Sara on Skype one day and she expressed that she was concerned 'cause I didn't seem like my normal self, and asked "When was the last time you left your apartment?" and I sat there and thought, and I couldn't remember! I honestly had to tell her "Shit...I don't remember......that's pathetic..." and she said "Yes. It is, Ryan. Get your ass up and go out. SOMEWHERE." Yeah, that whole hiding thing DOESN'T really work when you're in a position where you're only gonna be more successful by talking to people....
So the first month goes by, all the while I'm hiding from everyone. Of course, I don't have success, 'cause I'm nowhere near immersing myself. I'm just sitting at my computer saying "Go efusjon!" all the while hoping that eFusjon will pick me up on its lovely-tasting wings and ride me toward financial success and peace! (Feel free to note how lame I was being.) Meanwhile, my friend Lester, who had a direct effect on my having signed up, has signed up his 100th person. WHAT THE FUCK??? And Shawn, the guy who enrolled me into the club, is so successful he's already using it to pay for his house. K, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK??? So, little old lonely, Mr. creative poetic dancer kid over here is just retarded or something? Am I not destined for riches? At least not through this avenue? Does money not like me? Am I not good enough for money?? What a bitch money is that it would avoid me and tell me I don't deserve to be a part of its life and sneer at and mock me! Fine, eff money! I don't want any of it now anyway! It can stay in Shawn's hands, paying his freaking multi-million-dollar mortgage! It can stay in the hands of anyone, as long as it's not me...'cause I hate money now. It totally offended me. That bastard...
Yes, this is all the truth of what was running through my monkey mind. I am evidently VERY emotionally attached to money.
So at this point I'm pissed. Not just at my lack of money, but at my actual eFusjon cans; at the guy who signed me up; at all the successful people out there (not just the ones participating with eFusjon!); at the sun for coming up every day and reminding me that it's a new day -- a new beginning -- and I could be out there signing people up and making money and making rent and being able to eat for another day; and then at food 'cause it makes me eat it, and I need money to buy food to eat; and then at my body for needing food to run successfully; and then at my apartment 'cause not only is there enough reasons in general for me to hate my apartment building/company (like most other people, right? Lol), but additionally because it charges me rent every month, as if my being on this world is not grace enough to waive the "necessity" or paying a few hundred bucks every month to LIVE. In case you're still wondering, no, I'm not taking ANY accountability for any of this. Basically, screw everything and everyone. Haha!
So, I go to my friend's house for a "raw food tasting." She's on a new diet for health purposes, and is to eat only raw foods, and she decided to make an event out of it to share it with other people (and 'cause she's just one of those "event" types of people). I've always wanted to do something like this, and she's a DAMN good cook, so of course I go. For a while now, I've contemplated switching to raw food and as such, eat and live more healthily -- but in my beliefs, raw food is expensive....so screw raw food then! Mocking me with its health AND cost.....what a bitch....Wait wait, no, get over yourself Ryan....Just go TASTE the food...you don't have to be mad at it just because it is aligned in some way with money, and in this moment you're still choosing to be TOTALLY unaccountable for your anger toward money and eFusjon..it'll all be okay, just go taste some food....
And thank god I went, because Lester was there. But I was angry at him, and eFusjon, and money, remember? So, of course, right out of the gate, he starts talking about eFusjon (um, not helping, sir!!) and I'm just like "Yeah, I'm totally interested, and I'll pretend to be nice, blah blah" and then something just hit me. My higher self, I think. I say to myself: "Wait...just for a second...stop listening for a second (or half-listening, really)...stop thinking..just for a second. Okay, thank you. Now....what if you were mature." "Wait, what???" "Yeah...what if you were mature. Or let me put it this way, what if you weren't being IMMATURE?" "Hey, fuck you! Your my higher self, you're supposed to be supporting me!" "Just think about it and feel about it...what if you weren't immature, Ryan? Love you, bye." "Buh! Ugh, you just leave like that...whatever.."
"Wait, that was a really immature response, Ryan." "So?" "No, that's not where you're going, Ryan. Mature means you don't bite back just for the thrill of arguing." "Oh yeah." "Yeah....." "Sigh..." Okay. So I start listening to Lester. With an open heart. As if he's signing me up all over again. And then I get to myself. I think, "Yeah, well you know what, Lester. It's easy for you to say and do all that. You're, like, 33 or something? And you're already immensely wealthy, pre-eFusjon. you've got it down. You know what the hell you're doing. I'm just this stupid 22-year-old who's taking a stab at something he's never tried before, and has definitely never been successful at it before, who doesn't know what he's doing, and who has no confidence in his money-making abilities. And on top of that, because I don't come with a built-in foundation of people who trust my money-making abilities, like you and Shawn and Rich do, it's more (basically impossible) work for me. So say all you want, but we're two VERY different people, and I can't make this work." Note that I'm THINKING all this...I haven't uttered a peep of it. And then he says something that floors me. Lester: "And, I mean, look at Joe Blow [I'm keeping the name private out of respect]. He's young, to my knowledge he hasn't had any 'huge' success making money, or businesses or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't have a big following of people who think that he's a financial guru like Shawn or I do. But he's being wildly successful at it." Wow. That's all I know how to say, to think...I am literally speechless, so much so that my monkey mind can't even THINK anything! Now that's a DEFINITE wow. Haha!
Lester pointed out that there seems to be a lot that Joe and I have in common, especially in the Obstacles Department. So what's so different between me and Joe? Well, besides his fabulous body, beautiful blonde tresses, and perfect facial structure that is... Granted his outside is amazing, the biggest difference is inside. He's unafraid to risk. He's unafraid to fail. and probably most importantly -- he's unafraid to succeed.
If you have not yet read my blog entitled "Your Personal Brand, Pt. 1" then go read it now and come back. And then comment here and let me know how many of you ACTUALLY did what I just told you to do, haha! If you have read it, you know something very special. In it, I posted an image of the beginning stages of my own personal brand. Among the long list of everything I want to be thought of/remembered as, there were three I wanted to achieve very quickly. They were: Willing to Risk, Willing to Fail, and Willing to Succeed. I'm not even shitting you. Go check it out if you haven't yet -- and note the date I posted that blog. I went to the raw food tasting this Sunday: July, 5th. Not only was the blog posted before the raw food tasting, but it was written a week or so before I posted it. Holy Love, the universe works in mysterious ways, right??
So in that moment, I expressed gratitude to my higher self for directing my attitude toward being open for this talk, and I made a decision. I decided to let go of my jaded attitude toward the big, scary "Multi-Level Marketing" concept we all have. Yes, there have been some shitty ones out there, let's all just be honest. There have even been ones that were started specifically just to screw over their participants so that the Big Wigs could make just fast cash, let's all just be honest.
And in the spirit of honesty, let's all just be honest about OURSELVES. Whether or not we like it, money really does make the world go around -- not ONLY money of course, but it is definitely a large key. We've just made it that way as a society. This is a concept that has taken me a LONG damn time to recognize and to feel good about accepting...I'm the one who doesn't really care about money. My dream is simply to be in public service for the rest of my life. Always with one caveat: if I could make enough money to live like that. That caveat is always there. Not just in MY expressions, but in my mom's, in my sister's, in my friends', in my cousin's. Money is important in today's world; we have made it so. AND we like money! We love the abundance of money. We may have walls up against it for whatever reasons (Lord knows I did and still do to some extent), but we all truly love it. I mean, it makes the world go 'round! How could we not love it? It offers us the freedom to vacation to all these crazy places we want to go. Or to take three months away from our job and not worry about how we'll make ends meet and JUST RELAX! Or my personal favorite right now: To just make rent this month! :) Or simply to be able to take enough time off work to fly to Chicago and grieve when our mom passes away and we NEED to go to the funeral, we NEED to grieve. Or to take our kid to Disneyland every year for their birthday! I mean, wow, how fun would that be for your kid? I mean, I don't even like Disneyland -- even as a kid -- (yes, feel free to leave your hate mail in the form of a comment), but I'm sitting here as I type that, thinking "God, THAT would have been a nice childhood. I actually would have felt special for once." For these reasons, and more, I decided to let myself be successful.
And when I decide to love myself and be successful, the world shifts. The rest of the world jumps onto my groove and goes along for the sweet, blissful ride! I'm not even joking you when I write this: I shifted my thinking while at the raw food tasting, and by the time I got home, someone had commented on my Facebook page requesting more info about eFusjon. And then I talked to someone else and they got interested. And just last night I talked to someone else about it and they seemed hella interested in it. And before that day, any time I talked about it, everyone I talked to would say, "Look, I'm not at all interested, so let's stop talking about it!" right when they heard me say anything about that big, scary three-letter word: "MLM" (multi-level marketing). Now that I've decided to risk, and to posibly fail, and no matter what to definitely succeed, I have changed the definition of "MLM" just for me. I remind myself that it stands for "Me Loves Me," 'cause that's truly what it is about for me. It is about me choosing to love myself enough to risk and still love myself, and to fail and to still love myself, and to succeed and still love myself. That's what this journey is about for me. AND I get to make money in the meantime. Hell yes, I'm in. :)
If you're in, you can sign up through my web site www.efusjon.com/ryanlr or you can request more info from me, if you still need some to believe that you can succeed. Please note that this isn't a solicitation, and there's obviously no obligation or anything like that. And I'm definitely not attached to whether or not you sign up. I'm simply putting my link here so you have a way to sign up if you're interested in doing so.
My biggest wall was money. Coupled with my self-worth and self-love (or, more apropos, my lack thereof). And then top onto that my need to be right, my belief that I will never be good enough, and my fear of communicating with people. And I'm not just talking about eFusjon. eFusjon is simply a "symptom" in my life...it's another area in which I engage myself on this Earth. All the things I listed above get in my way EVERYWHERE ELSE, haha, it was just rippled over into my efforts with eFusjon. It was like Great Life for me -- a great mirror for me to look at how I do life, and then a sharp realization of how doing it that way is getting in my way of happiness, success, love and peace.
So what is your biggest wall? Leave a comment below and let us all know. Share this space like it is your own backyard, please. It is here for you and your free expressions.
Full of Excitement and Love,
Ryan
Anyhow, at the beginning of May, I joined an MLM-type of company that distributes energy drinks. The company is called eFusjon, and it is really a DELICIOUS energy drink. Not only is it great 'cause it's delicious, but even better: I can drink it! You see, three years ago, I had a seizure after a night of partying during which I had a few Rockstars, so ever since, I have sworn off energy drinks because of the IMMENSELY UNHEALTHY amount of caffeine they have in them (and while we're on the health subject, let's not forget to mention how much sugar they have in them! Bah!)
Anyhow, I was introduced to eFusjon by a friend and I was like, "Yeah, whatever, dude, it's an energy drink, I don't give a damn about it." That was my front, 'cause I somehow had to convince myself to hate energy drinks so I wouldn't pounce on them every chance I got; I just loved their taste sooo much! Then he told me about their "Raw" version, which is the same energy drink, but without caffeine. And I was like, "Well, that's cool that they'd venture there, but it obviously won't work. Caffeine is the only reason the other energy drinks work....duh..." (Yes, this is the exact candid, uncensored bitchiness I gave him, lol). But in the end, I trust him with any financial endeavor ever, and would follow him off a skyscraper if he told me it would make me money and I wouldn't die. So I signed up. Note here, please, that I'm not trying to enroll you or sign you up. I'm purely writing my thoughts and my story because I think it's a fun story. :)
So, continuing:
I signed up because I ended up trusting what he was talking about. And I've learned that that's the only reason people will ever sign up for anything, specifically anything that they perceive will risk them money, time, or their reputation. I've also learned that people will trust other people for the silliest reasons sometimes! Haha. Anyhow, I signed up in May and I spent a little less than $200 doing so, and that was a huge risk/obstacle for me. I have clung to money like it's a collector's item -- at least when it comes to RISKING IT. When it's being blown on cute clothes, it just FLIES out of my hands! Haha! So I freaked out that I risked that much on something that's "not a sure bet." K, but technically, this is the surest bet I could possibly have put my money on. I'll willingly go to Wendover and Vegas and blow a few hundred bucks, which i silly logic because I'm completely betting on luck...some of the games involve skill, yes, but for the most part, I'm betting on luck. I'm investing money into something that I really have no or minimal control over. Yet this opportunity actually, logically, makes sense. 'Cause I'm putting money down on MYSELF. I'm betting how well I can perform a job. I'm betting that I can be a solid communicator. I'm betting that I have solid, trusting, engaging friendships and relationships. I'm betting solely on myself.
HOWEVER, I didn't realize this at the time, so I totally freaked out on myself. And because I freaked out, I shut down...I was already in shut down mode from having quit my job and not knowing what I was doing at that point, not knowing where life was going, and not knowing where my money was coming from next.....and then I spent some of the precious money I had! Ahhhhhh, my mind was going craaaaaaaaazzzzzyyyyy! So I shut down, and I didn't mention to anyone that I was a part of this club, and I totally hid. To illistrate how much I hid, I was talking to my friend Sara on Skype one day and she expressed that she was concerned 'cause I didn't seem like my normal self, and asked "When was the last time you left your apartment?" and I sat there and thought, and I couldn't remember! I honestly had to tell her "Shit...I don't remember......that's pathetic..." and she said "Yes. It is, Ryan. Get your ass up and go out. SOMEWHERE." Yeah, that whole hiding thing DOESN'T really work when you're in a position where you're only gonna be more successful by talking to people....
So the first month goes by, all the while I'm hiding from everyone. Of course, I don't have success, 'cause I'm nowhere near immersing myself. I'm just sitting at my computer saying "Go efusjon!" all the while hoping that eFusjon will pick me up on its lovely-tasting wings and ride me toward financial success and peace! (Feel free to note how lame I was being.) Meanwhile, my friend Lester, who had a direct effect on my having signed up, has signed up his 100th person. WHAT THE FUCK??? And Shawn, the guy who enrolled me into the club, is so successful he's already using it to pay for his house. K, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK??? So, little old lonely, Mr. creative poetic dancer kid over here is just retarded or something? Am I not destined for riches? At least not through this avenue? Does money not like me? Am I not good enough for money?? What a bitch money is that it would avoid me and tell me I don't deserve to be a part of its life and sneer at and mock me! Fine, eff money! I don't want any of it now anyway! It can stay in Shawn's hands, paying his freaking multi-million-dollar mortgage! It can stay in the hands of anyone, as long as it's not me...'cause I hate money now. It totally offended me. That bastard...
Yes, this is all the truth of what was running through my monkey mind. I am evidently VERY emotionally attached to money.
So at this point I'm pissed. Not just at my lack of money, but at my actual eFusjon cans; at the guy who signed me up; at all the successful people out there (not just the ones participating with eFusjon!); at the sun for coming up every day and reminding me that it's a new day -- a new beginning -- and I could be out there signing people up and making money and making rent and being able to eat for another day; and then at food 'cause it makes me eat it, and I need money to buy food to eat; and then at my body for needing food to run successfully; and then at my apartment 'cause not only is there enough reasons in general for me to hate my apartment building/company (like most other people, right? Lol), but additionally because it charges me rent every month, as if my being on this world is not grace enough to waive the "necessity" or paying a few hundred bucks every month to LIVE. In case you're still wondering, no, I'm not taking ANY accountability for any of this. Basically, screw everything and everyone. Haha!
So, I go to my friend's house for a "raw food tasting." She's on a new diet for health purposes, and is to eat only raw foods, and she decided to make an event out of it to share it with other people (and 'cause she's just one of those "event" types of people). I've always wanted to do something like this, and she's a DAMN good cook, so of course I go. For a while now, I've contemplated switching to raw food and as such, eat and live more healthily -- but in my beliefs, raw food is expensive....so screw raw food then! Mocking me with its health AND cost.....what a bitch....Wait wait, no, get over yourself Ryan....Just go TASTE the food...you don't have to be mad at it just because it is aligned in some way with money, and in this moment you're still choosing to be TOTALLY unaccountable for your anger toward money and eFusjon..it'll all be okay, just go taste some food....
And thank god I went, because Lester was there. But I was angry at him, and eFusjon, and money, remember? So, of course, right out of the gate, he starts talking about eFusjon (um, not helping, sir!!) and I'm just like "Yeah, I'm totally interested, and I'll pretend to be nice, blah blah" and then something just hit me. My higher self, I think. I say to myself: "Wait...just for a second...stop listening for a second (or half-listening, really)...stop thinking..just for a second. Okay, thank you. Now....what if you were mature." "Wait, what???" "Yeah...what if you were mature. Or let me put it this way, what if you weren't being IMMATURE?" "Hey, fuck you! Your my higher self, you're supposed to be supporting me!" "Just think about it and feel about it...what if you weren't immature, Ryan? Love you, bye." "Buh! Ugh, you just leave like that...whatever.."
"Wait, that was a really immature response, Ryan." "So?" "No, that's not where you're going, Ryan. Mature means you don't bite back just for the thrill of arguing." "Oh yeah." "Yeah....." "Sigh..." Okay. So I start listening to Lester. With an open heart. As if he's signing me up all over again. And then I get to myself. I think, "Yeah, well you know what, Lester. It's easy for you to say and do all that. You're, like, 33 or something? And you're already immensely wealthy, pre-eFusjon. you've got it down. You know what the hell you're doing. I'm just this stupid 22-year-old who's taking a stab at something he's never tried before, and has definitely never been successful at it before, who doesn't know what he's doing, and who has no confidence in his money-making abilities. And on top of that, because I don't come with a built-in foundation of people who trust my money-making abilities, like you and Shawn and Rich do, it's more (basically impossible) work for me. So say all you want, but we're two VERY different people, and I can't make this work." Note that I'm THINKING all this...I haven't uttered a peep of it. And then he says something that floors me. Lester: "And, I mean, look at Joe Blow [I'm keeping the name private out of respect]. He's young, to my knowledge he hasn't had any 'huge' success making money, or businesses or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't have a big following of people who think that he's a financial guru like Shawn or I do. But he's being wildly successful at it." Wow. That's all I know how to say, to think...I am literally speechless, so much so that my monkey mind can't even THINK anything! Now that's a DEFINITE wow. Haha!
Lester pointed out that there seems to be a lot that Joe and I have in common, especially in the Obstacles Department. So what's so different between me and Joe? Well, besides his fabulous body, beautiful blonde tresses, and perfect facial structure that is... Granted his outside is amazing, the biggest difference is inside. He's unafraid to risk. He's unafraid to fail. and probably most importantly -- he's unafraid to succeed.
If you have not yet read my blog entitled "Your Personal Brand, Pt. 1" then go read it now and come back. And then comment here and let me know how many of you ACTUALLY did what I just told you to do, haha! If you have read it, you know something very special. In it, I posted an image of the beginning stages of my own personal brand. Among the long list of everything I want to be thought of/remembered as, there were three I wanted to achieve very quickly. They were: Willing to Risk, Willing to Fail, and Willing to Succeed. I'm not even shitting you. Go check it out if you haven't yet -- and note the date I posted that blog. I went to the raw food tasting this Sunday: July, 5th. Not only was the blog posted before the raw food tasting, but it was written a week or so before I posted it. Holy Love, the universe works in mysterious ways, right??
So in that moment, I expressed gratitude to my higher self for directing my attitude toward being open for this talk, and I made a decision. I decided to let go of my jaded attitude toward the big, scary "Multi-Level Marketing" concept we all have. Yes, there have been some shitty ones out there, let's all just be honest. There have even been ones that were started specifically just to screw over their participants so that the Big Wigs could make just fast cash, let's all just be honest.
And in the spirit of honesty, let's all just be honest about OURSELVES. Whether or not we like it, money really does make the world go around -- not ONLY money of course, but it is definitely a large key. We've just made it that way as a society. This is a concept that has taken me a LONG damn time to recognize and to feel good about accepting...I'm the one who doesn't really care about money. My dream is simply to be in public service for the rest of my life. Always with one caveat: if I could make enough money to live like that. That caveat is always there. Not just in MY expressions, but in my mom's, in my sister's, in my friends', in my cousin's. Money is important in today's world; we have made it so. AND we like money! We love the abundance of money. We may have walls up against it for whatever reasons (Lord knows I did and still do to some extent), but we all truly love it. I mean, it makes the world go 'round! How could we not love it? It offers us the freedom to vacation to all these crazy places we want to go. Or to take three months away from our job and not worry about how we'll make ends meet and JUST RELAX! Or my personal favorite right now: To just make rent this month! :) Or simply to be able to take enough time off work to fly to Chicago and grieve when our mom passes away and we NEED to go to the funeral, we NEED to grieve. Or to take our kid to Disneyland every year for their birthday! I mean, wow, how fun would that be for your kid? I mean, I don't even like Disneyland -- even as a kid -- (yes, feel free to leave your hate mail in the form of a comment), but I'm sitting here as I type that, thinking "God, THAT would have been a nice childhood. I actually would have felt special for once." For these reasons, and more, I decided to let myself be successful.
And when I decide to love myself and be successful, the world shifts. The rest of the world jumps onto my groove and goes along for the sweet, blissful ride! I'm not even joking you when I write this: I shifted my thinking while at the raw food tasting, and by the time I got home, someone had commented on my Facebook page requesting more info about eFusjon. And then I talked to someone else and they got interested. And just last night I talked to someone else about it and they seemed hella interested in it. And before that day, any time I talked about it, everyone I talked to would say, "Look, I'm not at all interested, so let's stop talking about it!" right when they heard me say anything about that big, scary three-letter word: "MLM" (multi-level marketing). Now that I've decided to risk, and to posibly fail, and no matter what to definitely succeed, I have changed the definition of "MLM" just for me. I remind myself that it stands for "Me Loves Me," 'cause that's truly what it is about for me. It is about me choosing to love myself enough to risk and still love myself, and to fail and to still love myself, and to succeed and still love myself. That's what this journey is about for me. AND I get to make money in the meantime. Hell yes, I'm in. :)
If you're in, you can sign up through my web site www.efusjon.com/ryanlr or you can request more info from me, if you still need some to believe that you can succeed. Please note that this isn't a solicitation, and there's obviously no obligation or anything like that. And I'm definitely not attached to whether or not you sign up. I'm simply putting my link here so you have a way to sign up if you're interested in doing so.
My biggest wall was money. Coupled with my self-worth and self-love (or, more apropos, my lack thereof). And then top onto that my need to be right, my belief that I will never be good enough, and my fear of communicating with people. And I'm not just talking about eFusjon. eFusjon is simply a "symptom" in my life...it's another area in which I engage myself on this Earth. All the things I listed above get in my way EVERYWHERE ELSE, haha, it was just rippled over into my efforts with eFusjon. It was like Great Life for me -- a great mirror for me to look at how I do life, and then a sharp realization of how doing it that way is getting in my way of happiness, success, love and peace.
So what is your biggest wall? Leave a comment below and let us all know. Share this space like it is your own backyard, please. It is here for you and your free expressions.
Full of Excitement and Love,
Ryan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)