Band Of Brothers

I am staffing Part One this week. I haven't staffed a Part One for probably about a year or so, so I know there is value for me there, and I will be discovering it this week. And I will be letting you in on what I learn, virtually in real-time. I will be blogging every night what I learned from that day staffing. I'm already processing judgments, ego, and depression -- and it hasn't even started yet -- so I know this is gonna be good!

I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.

For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.

Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?

When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??

That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.

Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.

SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).

Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.

Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.

Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.

Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)

I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo

And The Survey Says...

My Internal World:
Integrous
Grateful
Self-Directed
Confident
Valiant
Persistent
Honorable
Effective
Goal-Oriented
Coachable
Realistic
Pragmatic
Diligent
Peaceful
Deliberate
Resolute
Vigilant
Unconditional

My External World:
Empathetic
Passionate
Disciplined
Respectful
Accepting
Productive
Teachable
Organized
Analytical
Methodical
Compliant
Consistent
Proactive
Tolerant
Just & Fair
Loyal
Protective
Compassionate


I took an assessment on these items today by ranking my feelings about 36 phrases and environments. I will post next week what the results are; in the meantime, I'd like you to give me your feedback on here as to how I show up in these ways of being/beliefs. Thanks! :)

Learning The Long Way

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends,
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling...
Lived like a gypsy,
Six strong hands on the steering wheel.

I've been a long time gone now.
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down,
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

I met the queen of whatever,
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies,
Moved with the shakers --
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to,

No I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself.
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself.
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow,
No I, I could never follow.

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else,
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down.
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...

I am a 23-year-old guy. I’ve always liked to think of myself as grander than I am, but the truth is that I am a 23-year-old guy who is trying to figure out what this world is all about so he can play in it successfully. I am incredibly powerful, and intensely loving, and I am highly intelligent, and I am beautifully creative, and my mind works in artistic ways others can never fathom, and I even am sometimes astounded by, and I am just living my life, experiencing everything that is going on and learning what it is about. And I just claimed this last night.

Others may have hopes and aspirations for me. Others may have agendas, biases and plans for my life. Others may see in me potential I have yet unlocked to myself; or others may see in me a reflection of the them that they lost long ago and are trying to restore. And none of that is me. To me. To me, I am just another powerfully creative, divine young man walking this earth, inspiring as he can and checking his best interest.

I don’t always know what my best interest is, and I’m a very “big picture”-esque guy, so I get distracted in the details and I get lost in the hubbub, the here-and-there. I see spirits, and auras, and movement of light and being, and I hear beyond someone’s voice. When someone speaks, I see their heart, and if their words don’t jump into their heart like a tiger through a flaming hoop, I know they are full of shit…in that moment at least. And I am astounded that others don’t have this gift.

This May while staffing Founders, Jayson Orvis came up to me and we briefly chatted. I mentioned something about Pamela, or a trainee, or someone. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was regarding their spirit. The offhand sentence I uttered – to ME – was nothing new…it was nothing difficult to decipher about this person…I believed anyone could see it. And he turned to me and he said “Well, yeah, that’s easy for someone like you to see.” And I turned back to him with a puzzled appearance and said “Wait. What?” And he said something like “That’s easy for you to see. You see spiritual shit like that” [obviously that’s not verbatim…] and my jaw dropped in my mind. This is Jayson Orvis, THE trainer of Founders. And he sees this as something special? Well, maybe that’s something I should look into about myself, because I’ve always thought it was normal for people to be able to think like I do, and see things about others that I do.

I continue to learn how great my perception and intuition are. I continue to learn the fuller scale of each and value them appropriately. I think that may be one of my ongoing life lessons…to attune myself to my gifts, validate them and then utilize and develop them.

This month has been a HUGE, intense mirror for me to peer into. It has been clear, it has been foggy, it has been missing, it has been perfectly representative. And I’ve chosen all those manners of being for my mirror. As I drove up to Salt Lake City last night, I had ample time to process. In fact, I had about ten hours, to be more precise! And the soundtrack flowing from my iPod could not have been more perfect in order to support me.

I’ve learned that I’ve focused on what I lack, how much I lack, why I don’t have enough, that I’ll never have enough, where I CAN’T get more so I’m even more doomed, that the Universe must be out to get me, why the Universe must be out to get me, paranoia and all the emotions that come wherewith. I have not spent most of my month focusing on abundance, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, joy, how the Universe has supported/supports me, or my power and worth. And my whole demeanor shifted once I realized that and started to put into practice the latter items listed.

When I was actually GRATEFUL that my iPod battery died before I got all the way home (because I was in Santaquin by then and was able to reset my radio presets, and re-memorize them by the time I got home to crash), my heart was light instead of dark, dank and heavy, filled with anger, stress and frustration. When my sister -- who I have been incredibly angry at and felt betrayed by for the past two months -- called, I was actually happy to hear her share how she was having fun and she wished I was there to have fun with her, unaware I was on my way up to the City, my being -- my actual divine spiritual being -- changed from one of premeditated murder of my soul to instead filling my soul with life and joy and respect and trust and beauty and compassion. I was light. And right now, I am light. And it feels really marvelous.

And I’m not saying I won’t experience the darkness, because life is a dichotomy and there is a shadow to every Oak of Brilliance. But now I have more frames of reference from which to pull in order to drag my butt out of my nerd. Which is good news for YOU: Maybe I won’t be so bitchy as often! Haha! (And if I am, please call me out on it – in a loving, compassionate, respectful way!)

I love you all.

Peace, Love and Kisses,

Apollo

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal,
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there --
I'll be there.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

I'll BE there.