Tonight I had two epiphanies. The first was about trust and connections between humans. The second was about my fitness level (and lack thereof).
*Epiphany #1 -- Trust:
I was outside in my car, allowing myself the opportunity to chill out my overfried brain when across my brain drifted thoughts about dating. You see, the past two guys I have dated have told me they want to be with me but they choose not to because I "don't have my career figured out."
Sidenote: When the second guy told me that, I promptly went home, printed out 17 pages worth of my Career Map and handed it to him, with the challenge "Don't ever tell me I don't have my career figured out. This is only HALF of it." :)
I am SO sick of people giving me feedback that I don't know what's going on in my life, or that I have no clarity, because I do -- however I don't have the funds or connections to get my plans in motion. So then my brain zapped over to "Well, then why the hell can't they trust me that I have my shit figured out??" and the other side of my brain automatically fired out an answer: "Because you have nothing to prove it to them. You hadn't mapped out your career until just recently, therefore you currently have no solid proof that your plans will come to fruition...a couple months from now, as my Career Map successfully unfolds, they will see that they can trust me."
Truthfully, at that point I got a little upset that they couldn't just trust me since I am the most upfront, forthright and trustworthy person they've ever encountered, and I cross-examined myself with: "Well, take a look at you, for example. When you start dating people, do you just naturally trust them?" "Yes," I responded proudly and triumphantly until I responded to myself again with "Really? Like, you would entrust your entire life and well-being to someone on the first date? Don't be ridiculous, you know that's not true." I agreed with myself, and added "I trust them -- to be a good human -- and then I look for things that can engender a really powerful bond based on habits that, as they interact with my belief systems, highlight and further create the type of trust where I could look at them and say 'I know I can trust you with my life and well-being.'"
The same thing goes with jobs. When I look at hiring someone to assist me in fulfilling my vision, I am absolutely METICULOUS. I don't want to give the job to just anyone, I want to make sure they will be able to lead their part of my vision to glorious success, and I base this largely on their resume, if they are not someone whose talents and history I already know and trust. Yet when I apply and interview at jobs, I get frustrated because I know I can do the job but I may not have had EXACT titular history in the position, though I have performed the EXACT duties necessary -- but they want to see a resume that has the exact titles for instance, because they are looking to invest their trust in me, and they don't want to make a misstep. And let's face it, the only people in an organization who are willing to risk anything are the entrepreneurs themselves, and sometimes their investors...not the management or other under-employees.
So I respect their position. I respect Man #1 and #2 for not seeing something in me that aligns with their values enough such that they could invest in me their trust. And I will respect #3 -- the guy who is currently interested in me that I just started dating -- if he feels the same way. It is only human to base the strength of our CONNECTIONS in TRUST.
*Epiphany #2 -- Fitness:
I realized tonight that I have always held this belief that being fit means that I am weak. Uh, can we just pause there for a second and all together laugh at how ridiculous that belief is?? LOL! I literally stopped in my tracks when I realized I had that belief. How could being fit possibly mean that I am weak? I have two clues to possible derivations of this far-fetched belief.
First, when I had money, I signed a 2-year contract with Gold's Gym (and then barely used it), and forgot about it, so it went into collections. I have been battling with them to pay off their exorbitant fees and cycles for about 3 years now!
In his book, "Killing Sacred Cows," Garrett Gunderson talks about the different types of liabilities: productive, consumptive and destructive. Though a gym membership is typically a productive liability, in my case, it was somewhere between consumptive and destructive...I got it because I had the money to afford it and I thought having one might make me want to work out [consumptive] -- but I only desired adding the idea of working out to my mind because I wanted to be skinny and feel pretty [destructive]. Since then, after watching my bank account being completely zapped to zero by Gold's, it is possible I decided that altogether, fitness was a bad thing and should be avoided.
Second, exercising has never felt good to me. It has always seemed like WORK and I always feel tired and energy sapped after working out. Also, when I did work out, I didn't do it consistently, and I didn't eat healthily, so any possible visible benefits that I could have received from it didn't register to me. As pointed out in my last blog, being anorexic seemed like a more valid choice because I could readily see myself getting skinnier as a result, plus the added benefit of not having to eat or buy food or work to make enough money to be able to eat properly, if at all...it obviously came out as the winner because it was much easier! However, that took a toll on me mentally that I would have never foreseen. So all of this means that working out is definitely bad for me! Haha. Yes, that's what I thought.
However, now as I am going to yoga, I am feeling pretty refreshed afterward, and I know I worked strenuously at it, but I feel good at it and can't wait to go back because I feel proud of myself for doing things I didn't think I could do, and for getting through times I thought would be too tough for me! Now I can look at fitness with a healthy mindset, realize it is truly a good thing, and desire to do it, knowing it will add much more to my life than would not being physically fit.
That's all for tonight, love you all! :)
Apollo
2.08.2011
Healthy Anorexia
Three or four years ago, I decided to be anorexic. I hated my body, I hated my sexuality, I hated everything about me, and thought the best way to start being able to control myself and my life and the way people saw me was to be skinny, and the only way I could do that was to stop eating. As I began this, I started to notice that people took concern when they saw me simultaneously getting a lot skinnier and not buying food when we went out to eat. And inside I flipped out. I wanted to be skinnier, and I wanted people to think better of me, but they wouldn't think better of me if they knew I was anorexic. I had to find a way to cloak my disorder. So I stopped earning money. I guess I thought people perceiving me as poor would be better than as anorexic, and if I was poor, I had no excuse to not eat. Sure, other people could offer to buy me food, but I could very easily decline and then explain it away as me desiring to be gracious. Every one loves a good martyr, right? So just like that, I stopped eating, stopped earning enough money to pay for anything but rent and utilities, and I have continued on that path for the past four years.
The issue here, however, is not necessarily the anorexia. That was just a sick symptom of a larger dis-ease within me. Embodying anorexia gave me the opportunity to embody powerlessness, which in turn was magnified by my mental filters once I stopped earning proper wages to support my life. I became irresponsible with money to ensure that I would never have a surplus of funds to spend on food, which led to excessive debt. At the age of 19, I immaturely spent a $30,000 student loan my dad cosigned for me on clothes and furniture -- within three months -- and I wasn't working, so I was immediately evicted from my new apartment (so much for that furniture) and manipulated an ex into letting me live with her and a bunch of her friends on the cheap. I was living the high life as far as any gay was concerned (which was all I was concerned with). I had a nice house in Sugarhouse, $30K of clothes and furnishings inside it, had near to no body fat, had the hottest boyfriend any of my friends had ever seen, and was burning through condoms like they were going out of style. I was a king among lesser men. Finally, now that I'd been released from my family situation and the ideals they held about me, I could finally feel like the royalty I truly was. But the tide is an easy foe when it comes to sandcastles.
Reality came knocking and it slammed the door on the way out! Within two weeks, everything I thought I had -- the CONTROLLED fantasy life I had concocted for myself -- crashed down and I was left with nothing. I lost my job, I got kicked out of my place in Sugarhouse, my boyfriend is actually the one who arranged for me to be kicked out of my house, so needless to say, I lost him as well. And to top it all off, I was out of condoms! ;) I sat there wondering what I had and where I could go. All I had left, in my eyes, was my skinny body. These other things must have just been a couple strike-outs that had nothing to do with my current way of operating in life, right? Silly, I know, but this is what I thought to myself. However, as I'm sure you've learned from this story, by operating in anorexia, I was perpetuating the sickness inside of me that kept me small. So I went out and did it all again. I got a job I didn't like, I fucked any man that breathed, and I spent all of my money irresponsibly. Continuing to act from such spiritual invalidity only compounded my self-degradation like a skyrocketing 401(k).
Long story short, this cycle continued until this summer as I started to really take a look at my self-worth. I am changing the way I interact in my relationships, ascertaining the reason(s) I degrade myself to get sex and validation, and really coming to clarity on my disastrous relationship with money -- financial scarcity AND abundance. And this blog, thankfully, is here as a place for me to set it all out to be ironed. A huge shout-out to Al Gore for inventing the Internet! :P
The issue here, however, is not necessarily the anorexia. That was just a sick symptom of a larger dis-ease within me. Embodying anorexia gave me the opportunity to embody powerlessness, which in turn was magnified by my mental filters once I stopped earning proper wages to support my life. I became irresponsible with money to ensure that I would never have a surplus of funds to spend on food, which led to excessive debt. At the age of 19, I immaturely spent a $30,000 student loan my dad cosigned for me on clothes and furniture -- within three months -- and I wasn't working, so I was immediately evicted from my new apartment (so much for that furniture) and manipulated an ex into letting me live with her and a bunch of her friends on the cheap. I was living the high life as far as any gay was concerned (which was all I was concerned with). I had a nice house in Sugarhouse, $30K of clothes and furnishings inside it, had near to no body fat, had the hottest boyfriend any of my friends had ever seen, and was burning through condoms like they were going out of style. I was a king among lesser men. Finally, now that I'd been released from my family situation and the ideals they held about me, I could finally feel like the royalty I truly was. But the tide is an easy foe when it comes to sandcastles.
Reality came knocking and it slammed the door on the way out! Within two weeks, everything I thought I had -- the CONTROLLED fantasy life I had concocted for myself -- crashed down and I was left with nothing. I lost my job, I got kicked out of my place in Sugarhouse, my boyfriend is actually the one who arranged for me to be kicked out of my house, so needless to say, I lost him as well. And to top it all off, I was out of condoms! ;) I sat there wondering what I had and where I could go. All I had left, in my eyes, was my skinny body. These other things must have just been a couple strike-outs that had nothing to do with my current way of operating in life, right? Silly, I know, but this is what I thought to myself. However, as I'm sure you've learned from this story, by operating in anorexia, I was perpetuating the sickness inside of me that kept me small. So I went out and did it all again. I got a job I didn't like, I fucked any man that breathed, and I spent all of my money irresponsibly. Continuing to act from such spiritual invalidity only compounded my self-degradation like a skyrocketing 401(k).
Long story short, this cycle continued until this summer as I started to really take a look at my self-worth. I am changing the way I interact in my relationships, ascertaining the reason(s) I degrade myself to get sex and validation, and really coming to clarity on my disastrous relationship with money -- financial scarcity AND abundance. And this blog, thankfully, is here as a place for me to set it all out to be ironed. A huge shout-out to Al Gore for inventing the Internet! :P
1.18.2011
What I Learned From MLK, Jr.
Steve Nash (the infamously beautiful -- well, in my and Alex Fauver's eyes at least -- basketball player for the Phoenix Suns) currently has a contest going on his Facebook profile where you win something for writing on his page what is the most profound thing you learned from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Well, I love competition, and especially winning things from being in competition, and I feel like today is my lucky day, so I decided I'd write something on his wall. I sat there in silence for about 2 minutes, thinking. Just thinking. I could have posted anything really, anything bland like "He taught me that black people are awesome and we should all stand up for rights" like everyone else was posting (and, in my opinion, is really all that most white people gleaned from him), but I wanted to search myself and find what he really taught me, deep down into my most integral parts. I mean, he's not just Stephanie Myers or Angelina Jolie; he's more than just a popular figure. He was a man who stood for equality and progress and if he taught me anything, it couldn't have been anything shallow. Right?
So, after two minutes of thinking what he could have possibly taught me, I embraced that I TRULY learned nothing from him, so I began to ask myself why. I like black people (often more than I like white people, honestly), and I've always been incredibly partial to their struggle and wins. So how could I not learn something from one of the (if not "THE"?) most crucial historical figures in African American culture? I went back to my memories of schooling. What did we learn about him here in good ol' counter-culturally oppressive Utah in grade school (and even all the way up to high school)? All I remember learning was that he was a black guy in the '60s who stood up for Rosa Park's rights and then got killed some time around when JFK got killed, which segued into us learning about JFK and then completely basically forgetting about this "MLK" guy. And I'm not joking...that is (INCREDIBLY sadly) the base of what we learned about MLK. I know of people who think his name is just Martin Luther King. I know of people (inside and outside of my state) who don't know the difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King, Jr. Really, people??? REALLY??? What have WE learned about MLK, Jr.??
What have I learned from Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, I have learned the longevity that systemic racism holds in this country. I have learned that many people will make false claims of unconditional love and understanding, and not even realize the whole time that they are B.S.'ing us (and sadly themselves). I have learned that no matter how important and relevant your cause may be, that if you stand up for something that is unpopular, you will at some point be suppressed, your words and your art suffocated in their intensity. I have learned that even though he caused MASSIVE changes in American society, the deepest, dankest, scariest parts of racism still dwell in our social structure, like malignant cells waiting to snatch the next cell that drifts by. I have learned how people hide from their worst enemies -- their ego and their fear of being perfectly imperfect -- in order to carve out this pretend reality for themselves, all in hopes of being "happy" (though they actually settle into being "just okay"). And I think the most important thing I have learned today from MLK, Jr. is how proud and grateful I am to not be one of those people.
I will always shine my light -- in EVERY moment (whatever color, shade or strength it may be) -- because it takes light to make the darkness cower, and vice-versa. I will always keep my consciousness on not allowing the darkness to inspire me to cower. So, I guess today, from Martin Luther King, Jr., I have truly learned the brilliance of my own power. Thank you, Dr. King.
-- Apollo
So, after two minutes of thinking what he could have possibly taught me, I embraced that I TRULY learned nothing from him, so I began to ask myself why. I like black people (often more than I like white people, honestly), and I've always been incredibly partial to their struggle and wins. So how could I not learn something from one of the (if not "THE"?) most crucial historical figures in African American culture? I went back to my memories of schooling. What did we learn about him here in good ol' counter-culturally oppressive Utah in grade school (and even all the way up to high school)? All I remember learning was that he was a black guy in the '60s who stood up for Rosa Park's rights and then got killed some time around when JFK got killed, which segued into us learning about JFK and then completely basically forgetting about this "MLK" guy. And I'm not joking...that is (INCREDIBLY sadly) the base of what we learned about MLK. I know of people who think his name is just Martin Luther King. I know of people (inside and outside of my state) who don't know the difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King, Jr. Really, people??? REALLY??? What have WE learned about MLK, Jr.??
What have I learned from Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, I have learned the longevity that systemic racism holds in this country. I have learned that many people will make false claims of unconditional love and understanding, and not even realize the whole time that they are B.S.'ing us (and sadly themselves). I have learned that no matter how important and relevant your cause may be, that if you stand up for something that is unpopular, you will at some point be suppressed, your words and your art suffocated in their intensity. I have learned that even though he caused MASSIVE changes in American society, the deepest, dankest, scariest parts of racism still dwell in our social structure, like malignant cells waiting to snatch the next cell that drifts by. I have learned how people hide from their worst enemies -- their ego and their fear of being perfectly imperfect -- in order to carve out this pretend reality for themselves, all in hopes of being "happy" (though they actually settle into being "just okay"). And I think the most important thing I have learned today from MLK, Jr. is how proud and grateful I am to not be one of those people.
I will always shine my light -- in EVERY moment (whatever color, shade or strength it may be) -- because it takes light to make the darkness cower, and vice-versa. I will always keep my consciousness on not allowing the darkness to inspire me to cower. So, I guess today, from Martin Luther King, Jr., I have truly learned the brilliance of my own power. Thank you, Dr. King.
-- Apollo
12.11.2010
Melting the Molasses
Apparently, my manager has a huge fear of disease? The other day, I overheard him telling an employee that he would have rather had them not come in to work because they were sick, even though to me they weren't even symptomatic. So I called in today to learn when he wanted me to show up and he heard my raspy-as-fuck sore throat and was all "Oh, that sucks...I was gonna have you come in tonight but you're sick, so just rest up all day, do as much healing as you can for yourself and then come in tomorrow morning." "Really?" I asked him, in disbelief. "Yeah, I don't want you to get any of the other employees sick because we all need to be on top of our game to sell well, you know?" "Oh. Okay." I replied....still in disbelief. I've never called in to work, wanting to go in even though I'm sick, and been told not to come in. It was weird. Lol.
So, I didn't get up and get ready. I didn't jump in the shower and fret about what I was going to wear. I didn't look at my clock a million times afraid I might be late, and when the alarm I set last night went off, I didn't freak out thinking about the lack of minutes I had left in my schedule. I didn't jump in my car and regret that I didn't have smokes, that I'd given it up and I didn't have to convince myself that my life would be better without them...the whole drive. I didn't yell (in my head) at the drivers who were going 10mph under the speed limit, because it was lightly raining, and I didn't flip off the person that I thereafter cut off and sped ahead of.
Instead, I rested myself again for a couple hours, played on Facebook, brushed and flossed my teeth in order to keep my mouth as clean (therefore healable) as possible. I called a friend I'd been wanting to connect with for months, and happened to catch him in the perfect moment for the perfect amount of time. I received feedback in our lovely conversation that assisted me in being clear on where I've been and where I can move forward to, and some friendly advice and sharing of troubles and triumphs. I caught myself up on my guilty pleasures -- my two favorite blogs (Shannon's Blogspot and Break The Illusion) -- and heard how to guide myself to loving myself more purely. I've been listening to some of the best music on the planet! :)
Wow...weird...I just felt my spirit catch up to my body. It was like it was launched from a slingshot back into my body. Six-ish months ago it got stuck in some molasses and it finally melted free.
Speaking of melting, over the weekend, I spoke to an old friend again and it was pretty cool. The way I do relationships (...for those of you who have not yet found this glaringly obvious based on my track record lol...) is that, as Jared Orvis so perfectly put it, I burn them down to the ground if they don't work for me. We hung out and, from my side, it seemed like we were both attracted to each other. I don't know the why's, the how's, the should's or any of that. None of that is important. But at the time, I thought it was. I spent all of my energy trying to figure out all the why's and how's I could, and tried unsuccessfully to implement my "findings" into a bunch of should's. Should I act this way? Should I not? Should he be doing something based on my actions? Shouldn't he love me already? Shouldn't he want to hang out with only me, because I'm so amazing??? And he is a slippery snake. (I'm not being condescending...he's literally a Snake in Chinese Zodiac...) He could see what I was doing, and what was coming, and he was able to navigate around all of the facets of me, keeping me running around, following him around this little maze he was guiding, all while he had his fun and I went crazy. Hmmmmmmmm...there we go...I discovered one facet he could not do better than me. Insanity. I learned that soon enough. And I implemented it even sooner.
Some of you MAAAAAAY have noticed I've been SLIGHTLY crazy and especially erratic over the past few months. I am starting to believe that once I burnt this relationship to the ground with my insane actions (in order to one-up him and feel like I could control the situation and myself), they became habit, and I confused myself into believing that those actions/tactics worked better than any other to get what I wanted out of my life...
So the other night at karaoke, I saw this man and...well, to preface, we've seen each other a bit around the town and I've always gotten supertense and felt superawkward and then I didn't see him as much anymore so I convinced myself that we were now running in opposite circles and wouldn't share space again. But then I saw him the other night at karaoke and I was really drawn to him. I did my best to be cool around him (we were "sharing" a friend that night at the bar, 'cause we had both individually invited the friend out that night to the same bar) and just focus on how much I love myself and respect him as a human being in order to do so, but we didn't talk. I knew he was uncomfortable a bit, because our energies so easily and naturally intertwine, and that he wanted to talk to me but he didn't know where I would be and he didn't want to open himself back up to The Crazy Bitch. HAHA! However, fate had a different way of dealing with things.
Out of nowhere, I rose an intense fever and my body was aching everywhere and I chose to stand up all night because there were no chairs without butts already in them. Finally, however, it seemed to me like someone left the bar and I spotted an empty chair. Naturally I pounced on it, hoping my back would start to feel better and my body might be able to begin healing itself since it was no longer expending itself. As I finally reached within LITERALLY one step of the open chair, I looked up and saw that it was right next to the chair in which my old friend was sitting. Like...RIGHT next to him. Like, Great-Life-close. Like, you-can't-breathe-next-to-this-person-without-them-feeling-your-lungs-expanding-close. And I sat down. And I felt the wall of ice being constructed energetically so I couldn't get into his spirit.
Our mutual friend came over and chilled with both of us and so we naturally were involved in each other's conversations and jokes. And I don't remember what sparked the conversation, but I just owned up. We VERY briefly discussed with our mutual friend how we knew each other and I joked about how he'd seen all of me, even the crazy...and he (with gusto) affirmed that. And then I joked a bit more about how I was emotionally unstable when we were friends and how I was a huge contributing factor to the demise of our friendship, and he (with much more gusto each time.......) affirmed my statements. And I kept thinking "God damn it, stop being so happy to affirm these things!" Haha! And I reminded myself that even though my actions WERE shitty, I currently AM not a shitty person. Because of the time I spent learning from my old friend, I have since redeveloped the way I deliver results in my friendships and other relationships. I now choose to be more considerate and compassionate and listen and seek, while holding my own in what I stand for and who I am.
So I believe that all of the introspection that this day has truly truly GIVEN to me has been exactly what I needed to bring one minute chapter to a conclusion; honoring him and celebrating and healing myself.
Love,
Apollo
So, I didn't get up and get ready. I didn't jump in the shower and fret about what I was going to wear. I didn't look at my clock a million times afraid I might be late, and when the alarm I set last night went off, I didn't freak out thinking about the lack of minutes I had left in my schedule. I didn't jump in my car and regret that I didn't have smokes, that I'd given it up and I didn't have to convince myself that my life would be better without them...the whole drive. I didn't yell (in my head) at the drivers who were going 10mph under the speed limit, because it was lightly raining, and I didn't flip off the person that I thereafter cut off and sped ahead of.
Instead, I rested myself again for a couple hours, played on Facebook, brushed and flossed my teeth in order to keep my mouth as clean (therefore healable) as possible. I called a friend I'd been wanting to connect with for months, and happened to catch him in the perfect moment for the perfect amount of time. I received feedback in our lovely conversation that assisted me in being clear on where I've been and where I can move forward to, and some friendly advice and sharing of troubles and triumphs. I caught myself up on my guilty pleasures -- my two favorite blogs (Shannon's Blogspot and Break The Illusion) -- and heard how to guide myself to loving myself more purely. I've been listening to some of the best music on the planet! :)
Wow...weird...I just felt my spirit catch up to my body. It was like it was launched from a slingshot back into my body. Six-ish months ago it got stuck in some molasses and it finally melted free.
Speaking of melting, over the weekend, I spoke to an old friend again and it was pretty cool. The way I do relationships (...for those of you who have not yet found this glaringly obvious based on my track record lol...) is that, as Jared Orvis so perfectly put it, I burn them down to the ground if they don't work for me. We hung out and, from my side, it seemed like we were both attracted to each other. I don't know the why's, the how's, the should's or any of that. None of that is important. But at the time, I thought it was. I spent all of my energy trying to figure out all the why's and how's I could, and tried unsuccessfully to implement my "findings" into a bunch of should's. Should I act this way? Should I not? Should he be doing something based on my actions? Shouldn't he love me already? Shouldn't he want to hang out with only me, because I'm so amazing??? And he is a slippery snake. (I'm not being condescending...he's literally a Snake in Chinese Zodiac...) He could see what I was doing, and what was coming, and he was able to navigate around all of the facets of me, keeping me running around, following him around this little maze he was guiding, all while he had his fun and I went crazy. Hmmmmmmmm...there we go...I discovered one facet he could not do better than me. Insanity. I learned that soon enough. And I implemented it even sooner.
Some of you MAAAAAAY have noticed I've been SLIGHTLY crazy and especially erratic over the past few months. I am starting to believe that once I burnt this relationship to the ground with my insane actions (in order to one-up him and feel like I could control the situation and myself), they became habit, and I confused myself into believing that those actions/tactics worked better than any other to get what I wanted out of my life...
So the other night at karaoke, I saw this man and...well, to preface, we've seen each other a bit around the town and I've always gotten supertense and felt superawkward and then I didn't see him as much anymore so I convinced myself that we were now running in opposite circles and wouldn't share space again. But then I saw him the other night at karaoke and I was really drawn to him. I did my best to be cool around him (we were "sharing" a friend that night at the bar, 'cause we had both individually invited the friend out that night to the same bar) and just focus on how much I love myself and respect him as a human being in order to do so, but we didn't talk. I knew he was uncomfortable a bit, because our energies so easily and naturally intertwine, and that he wanted to talk to me but he didn't know where I would be and he didn't want to open himself back up to The Crazy Bitch. HAHA! However, fate had a different way of dealing with things.
Out of nowhere, I rose an intense fever and my body was aching everywhere and I chose to stand up all night because there were no chairs without butts already in them. Finally, however, it seemed to me like someone left the bar and I spotted an empty chair. Naturally I pounced on it, hoping my back would start to feel better and my body might be able to begin healing itself since it was no longer expending itself. As I finally reached within LITERALLY one step of the open chair, I looked up and saw that it was right next to the chair in which my old friend was sitting. Like...RIGHT next to him. Like, Great-Life-close. Like, you-can't-breathe-next-to-this-person-without-them-feeling-your-lungs-expanding-close. And I sat down. And I felt the wall of ice being constructed energetically so I couldn't get into his spirit.
Our mutual friend came over and chilled with both of us and so we naturally were involved in each other's conversations and jokes. And I don't remember what sparked the conversation, but I just owned up. We VERY briefly discussed with our mutual friend how we knew each other and I joked about how he'd seen all of me, even the crazy...and he (with gusto) affirmed that. And then I joked a bit more about how I was emotionally unstable when we were friends and how I was a huge contributing factor to the demise of our friendship, and he (with much more gusto each time.......) affirmed my statements. And I kept thinking "God damn it, stop being so happy to affirm these things!" Haha! And I reminded myself that even though my actions WERE shitty, I currently AM not a shitty person. Because of the time I spent learning from my old friend, I have since redeveloped the way I deliver results in my friendships and other relationships. I now choose to be more considerate and compassionate and listen and seek, while holding my own in what I stand for and who I am.
So I believe that all of the introspection that this day has truly truly GIVEN to me has been exactly what I needed to bring one minute chapter to a conclusion; honoring him and celebrating and healing myself.
Love,
Apollo
12.09.2010
Rockin'
Rockin'
Rockin’ the hurt
What’s that now?
Rockin’ this life
And how?
Rockin’ this shit,
With nowhere to go
Down this paveme’t
Wreckin’ to my flow.
If you can see it, you can be it
You can do it, you’re here to prove it.
If you desire, you can take it higher,
Take it to the streets and move it.
Rockin’ the hurt
What’s that now?
Rockin’ this life
And how?
Rockin’ this shit,
With nowhere to go
Down this paveme’t
Wreckin’ to my flow.
If you can see it, you can be it
You can do it, you’re here to prove it.
If you desire, you can take it higher,
Take it to the streets and move it.
11.25.2010
I'm Grateful For The Living
Sometimes when you want something, you've gotta go full force at it. That's what I've been doing the past six months. And sometimes when you do that, you don't always have one hundred percent happy results.
The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."
I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...
I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.
I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.
Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.
My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?
I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.
I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.
I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.
Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.
The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."
I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...
I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.
I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.
Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.
My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?
I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.
I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.
I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.
Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.
11.02.2010
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Ego
I don't like being self-centered.
I don't like things going in my favor more than in the favor of others, nor do I enjoy things going in the favor of others more than in my favor.
I enjoy balance, harmony, peace and to give to others. I like them to return the flow to me, in praise and love. Is this self-centeredness? Is this simply self-love? My ego doesn't like to separate from me, I notice...So much that he has tried to make himself the topic of this blog, rather than my loving side...to do so would be to make it seem to myself as if my Ego was stronger or more prevalent in me, thus allowing him to win for a brief interlude. But he's not...he's simply the wolf I feed or the wolf I starve. My body is starving lately because I am not feeding my True Self, but am feeding my Ego Self, who cannot exist within my soul, truly, therefore cannot give sustenance to me in living, therefore weakens me...and then looks to blame it on others and outside circumstances, in order to hide himself in the shadow -- as I have been doing the past week as I've been looking at why I feel sooo weak lately. I am good enough, and I am strong enough. I am beautiful, no matter what he says. Mmmmmm...I love me...I embrace all of me, and I feed and accentuate all parts within me that celebrate my spirit's purity, and that engender love and trust.
Thank you :)
I don't like things going in my favor more than in the favor of others, nor do I enjoy things going in the favor of others more than in my favor.
I enjoy balance, harmony, peace and to give to others. I like them to return the flow to me, in praise and love. Is this self-centeredness? Is this simply self-love? My ego doesn't like to separate from me, I notice...So much that he has tried to make himself the topic of this blog, rather than my loving side...to do so would be to make it seem to myself as if my Ego was stronger or more prevalent in me, thus allowing him to win for a brief interlude. But he's not...he's simply the wolf I feed or the wolf I starve. My body is starving lately because I am not feeding my True Self, but am feeding my Ego Self, who cannot exist within my soul, truly, therefore cannot give sustenance to me in living, therefore weakens me...and then looks to blame it on others and outside circumstances, in order to hide himself in the shadow -- as I have been doing the past week as I've been looking at why I feel sooo weak lately. I am good enough, and I am strong enough. I am beautiful, no matter what he says. Mmmmmm...I love me...I embrace all of me, and I feed and accentuate all parts within me that celebrate my spirit's purity, and that engender love and trust.
Thank you :)
11.01.2010
I Choose Love
Well, at first, I intended this blog to be longer, because I was going to do some emotional sorting via it, but it turns out I just did it in the past ten minutes in my head, LOL, so I'm just gonna give a bit of a recap and share some thoughts. Please, feel free to comment if you want more info or help with this aspect in your own life.
A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight
...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..
Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.
A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight
...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..
Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.
10.23.2010
My "Upline" To Freedom
My reality is made by my preferences of my perspectives.
When I get pulled over and I bemoan it, and analyze how my life is crashing down, I decide to hate policemen and authority and where my tax money goes. Then, when I get a ticket, I choose back into that space and I continue the cycle of choosing to dislike getting tickets. Today, I chose not to dislike getting a ticket. I chatted with my friend in the car and grounded myself and continued our conversation while the officer did his work, much like I would do if I were at the drive-thru of Taco Bell. At one point, I turned to my friend in total accountability and said: "Well, I've been thinkin the last couple days about how I get paid next Friday and I have nowhere to spend my money, other than gettin food. Well, now I do! Though I don't really want my money to go here.....well, based on results, I do, actually." Looking at it from that perspective was so calming, and I joked around with the officer and I could tell I made him a little bit happier.
On my way home, I introspected some more and I realized I have a BUNCH of preferences that make up my life, which thereby afflict my attitude, which thereby afflict my behaviors and either connect me to or distract me from my life path. For instance, I have a VERY strong preference for streamlined traffic, and when traffic is not streamlined, I get peeved and then I start to mumble in my head, and then I start to mumble under my breath, and then I start to yell out loud, and all the while I am waging a gigantic war inside of me -- all because my preference was disturbed. Same goes for receiving traffic tickets, people looking pretty (or, rather, not looking pretty), people treating me as an equal, people fighting around me, me being a perfect being (or not) at work, and many other things.
What is YOUR "trickle-effect"? What might be in your life -- what peace might BE -- if your preferences did not affect you so negatively emotionally?
I know for me, it is freedom. Freedom is purity, and it is dancing with me right now :)
When I get pulled over and I bemoan it, and analyze how my life is crashing down, I decide to hate policemen and authority and where my tax money goes. Then, when I get a ticket, I choose back into that space and I continue the cycle of choosing to dislike getting tickets. Today, I chose not to dislike getting a ticket. I chatted with my friend in the car and grounded myself and continued our conversation while the officer did his work, much like I would do if I were at the drive-thru of Taco Bell. At one point, I turned to my friend in total accountability and said: "Well, I've been thinkin the last couple days about how I get paid next Friday and I have nowhere to spend my money, other than gettin food. Well, now I do! Though I don't really want my money to go here.....well, based on results, I do, actually." Looking at it from that perspective was so calming, and I joked around with the officer and I could tell I made him a little bit happier.
On my way home, I introspected some more and I realized I have a BUNCH of preferences that make up my life, which thereby afflict my attitude, which thereby afflict my behaviors and either connect me to or distract me from my life path. For instance, I have a VERY strong preference for streamlined traffic, and when traffic is not streamlined, I get peeved and then I start to mumble in my head, and then I start to mumble under my breath, and then I start to yell out loud, and all the while I am waging a gigantic war inside of me -- all because my preference was disturbed. Same goes for receiving traffic tickets, people looking pretty (or, rather, not looking pretty), people treating me as an equal, people fighting around me, me being a perfect being (or not) at work, and many other things.
What is YOUR "trickle-effect"? What might be in your life -- what peace might BE -- if your preferences did not affect you so negatively emotionally?
I know for me, it is freedom. Freedom is purity, and it is dancing with me right now :)
10.05.2010
Discussing Pedophilia
This is probably considered "NSFW".
Also, to anyone under 18: know ahead of time, that this is a very touchy subject that, depending on your parents' beliefs, you may need their permission beforehand to read. If that only tempts you to read ahead and not get their permission, trust me, this conversation is not something juicy that will get your rocks off from doing so. So if you know (or are in mystery) that your parents would want you to get their permission before reading something to which I -- a person with basically no boundaries -- would put this disclaimer, you probably should just go do it, so you don't get grounded for something not really worth being grounded for. Haha!
K, so, I just now was invited to join a Facebook group that said this in its description:
"This group is for people that support freedom of others to live alternative lifestyles, whatever those be, as long as they are always consensual and never involve sex between adults and children."
And I automatically thought "Wait, who says kids can't have consensual sex?"
I want to make it clear, I am NOT a pedophile, lol. I would never have sex with a child, because that is not me nor is it what I would want in a sex partner.
My belief is that our society is against pedophilia for two reasons: first, we hold the belief that children cannot make responsible decisions and second, we believe that sex will pervert their innocent nature.
However, I see people my age (and older, in fact) who make sexual decisions as if they had the same understanding of it as a child does. I have seen people make consensual sexual decisions that have been intensely irresponsible. There is, in fact, a whole community of people out there who have sex without condoms on purpose, knowing that their sexual partner has (or may have) HIV/AIDS.
And I don't know about the "innocent nature" we give kids credit for...I know when I was a kid, I wanted to kill people. A lot, actually. Lol. I witness kids on the news taking their own lives (not an innocent act by ANY means), taking the lives of others, degrading and abusing each other spiritually and emotionally and mentally, hell and even physically. There are shows on MTV showcasing REAL LIFE teen pregnancies, and "My Super Sweet 16" which is like, the most evil show ever, I think: it parades a bunch of bitchy 15-almost-16-year-olds taking their spineless/bitchy parents around the block on their leash getting them to spend millions of dollars on their 16th birthday party, all the while treating them worse than cellmates would treat each other (well...minus the anal rape....or, at least they don't show that on TV...). Kids swear all the time nowadays (it actually frightens me how hardened children are nowadays as compared to when I was a youth), often times not really knowing what they're saying or why, simply just copycatting their parents or siblings or friends....So, really, are children "innocent" or are they just "naive"? I would say naive, because to me, innocent is a morality-inflected word that would not have much place in our childrens' lives if it were not for religion's popularity, and in specific, Catholicism's centuries-held reign in popular culture. My definition of naive is simply "not educated/well-informed on a matter."
As I said, I am not a pedophile, and have no desire to be one, but I personally feel that if someone under 18 is making what they believe to be a mutually consensual sexual decision, why should we make it illegal to stop them from making that decision for their life?
Also, to anyone under 18: know ahead of time, that this is a very touchy subject that, depending on your parents' beliefs, you may need their permission beforehand to read. If that only tempts you to read ahead and not get their permission, trust me, this conversation is not something juicy that will get your rocks off from doing so. So if you know (or are in mystery) that your parents would want you to get their permission before reading something to which I -- a person with basically no boundaries -- would put this disclaimer, you probably should just go do it, so you don't get grounded for something not really worth being grounded for. Haha!
K, so, I just now was invited to join a Facebook group that said this in its description:
"This group is for people that support freedom of others to live alternative lifestyles, whatever those be, as long as they are always consensual and never involve sex between adults and children."
And I automatically thought "Wait, who says kids can't have consensual sex?"
I want to make it clear, I am NOT a pedophile, lol. I would never have sex with a child, because that is not me nor is it what I would want in a sex partner.
My belief is that our society is against pedophilia for two reasons: first, we hold the belief that children cannot make responsible decisions and second, we believe that sex will pervert their innocent nature.
However, I see people my age (and older, in fact) who make sexual decisions as if they had the same understanding of it as a child does. I have seen people make consensual sexual decisions that have been intensely irresponsible. There is, in fact, a whole community of people out there who have sex without condoms on purpose, knowing that their sexual partner has (or may have) HIV/AIDS.
And I don't know about the "innocent nature" we give kids credit for...I know when I was a kid, I wanted to kill people. A lot, actually. Lol. I witness kids on the news taking their own lives (not an innocent act by ANY means), taking the lives of others, degrading and abusing each other spiritually and emotionally and mentally, hell and even physically. There are shows on MTV showcasing REAL LIFE teen pregnancies, and "My Super Sweet 16" which is like, the most evil show ever, I think: it parades a bunch of bitchy 15-almost-16-year-olds taking their spineless/bitchy parents around the block on their leash getting them to spend millions of dollars on their 16th birthday party, all the while treating them worse than cellmates would treat each other (well...minus the anal rape....or, at least they don't show that on TV...). Kids swear all the time nowadays (it actually frightens me how hardened children are nowadays as compared to when I was a youth), often times not really knowing what they're saying or why, simply just copycatting their parents or siblings or friends....So, really, are children "innocent" or are they just "naive"? I would say naive, because to me, innocent is a morality-inflected word that would not have much place in our childrens' lives if it were not for religion's popularity, and in specific, Catholicism's centuries-held reign in popular culture. My definition of naive is simply "not educated/well-informed on a matter."
As I said, I am not a pedophile, and have no desire to be one, but I personally feel that if someone under 18 is making what they believe to be a mutually consensual sexual decision, why should we make it illegal to stop them from making that decision for their life?
10.01.2010
Are YOU an "ANT Tour Someone"??
The following are the people I am looking for to enjoy the ANT Tour with me. If any of the following is you, e-mail me:
-Someone who donates a 7-sleeper (year: 2005 or later) motor home to me/us.
-Someone who loves to teach me how to play an acoustic guitar while we're on the road.
-Someone who wants to play with me and for me on the road.
-Someone who loves assisting me in creating the music to my lyrics, and teaching me how they are so freaking good at it!
-Someone who wants to play their own shows, too -- I want to play shows, but it's not all about me (I'm sure you're shocked! Lol). I am excited and grateful to have a travel companion who doesn't want to do everything for me, they simply want to come and jam on their own little tour too, and we are traveling together :)
-Someone who LOVES to travel, enjoys getting their hands dirty and wants to experience everything that the U.S., Canada and Mexico have to offer!
-Someone who is joyful, powerful and vibrant, energetic and loving, creative, fun, talented and inspiring, and feels and exhibits their own worth.
-Someone who LOVES to live.
-Graphic designer(s) - to create fabulous T-shirts and album artwork - that is/are willing to contract their services on the basis of commission-based payment (i.e., I mail to them a large chunk of my profits, as I sell items to which they contributed).
-Someone who loves to experiment with media and marketing, who overcomes the regular physical boundaries of promotion, and works until he/she has the desired result (or even something better) in order to secure venues to play in and create MASSIVE buzz for each performance before we arrive at its corresponding venue.
I love all of us joyfully doing what we are most passionate about in our lives! :) If you fit into any of these categories, please, feel free to shoot me an e-mail! You can do so by clicking here, going to the "Contact Us" page and filling out the form, or by e-mailing directly to couragelovejoy@yahoo.com. Make sure to put "ANT Tour "Someone"" in the subject line.
--Apollo
-Someone who donates a 7-sleeper (year: 2005 or later) motor home to me/us.
-Someone who loves to teach me how to play an acoustic guitar while we're on the road.
-Someone who wants to play with me and for me on the road.
-Someone who loves assisting me in creating the music to my lyrics, and teaching me how they are so freaking good at it!
-Someone who wants to play their own shows, too -- I want to play shows, but it's not all about me (I'm sure you're shocked! Lol). I am excited and grateful to have a travel companion who doesn't want to do everything for me, they simply want to come and jam on their own little tour too, and we are traveling together :)
-Someone who LOVES to travel, enjoys getting their hands dirty and wants to experience everything that the U.S., Canada and Mexico have to offer!
-Someone who is joyful, powerful and vibrant, energetic and loving, creative, fun, talented and inspiring, and feels and exhibits their own worth.
-Someone who LOVES to live.
-Graphic designer(s) - to create fabulous T-shirts and album artwork - that is/are willing to contract their services on the basis of commission-based payment (i.e., I mail to them a large chunk of my profits, as I sell items to which they contributed).
-Someone who loves to experiment with media and marketing, who overcomes the regular physical boundaries of promotion, and works until he/she has the desired result (or even something better) in order to secure venues to play in and create MASSIVE buzz for each performance before we arrive at its corresponding venue.
I love all of us joyfully doing what we are most passionate about in our lives! :) If you fit into any of these categories, please, feel free to shoot me an e-mail! You can do so by clicking here, going to the "Contact Us" page and filling out the form, or by e-mailing directly to couragelovejoy@yahoo.com. Make sure to put "ANT Tour "Someone"" in the subject line.
--Apollo
9.29.2010
Where Are My Viewers From?
This was the count for this week....I just think it is so cool to have so many international readers! :)
United States
105
South Korea
25
Russia
15
Colombia
14
Canada
10
Germany
2
South Africa
2
United Kingdom
1
Hong Kong
1
Latvia
1
Thank you to everyone who reads and subscribes! :D
<3
United States
105
South Korea
25
Russia
15
Colombia
14
Canada
10
Germany
2
South Africa
2
United Kingdom
1
Hong Kong
1
Latvia
1
Thank you to everyone who reads and subscribes! :D
<3
9.22.2010
I am Powerful. Silly me for Forgetting.
As I pointed out in the last blog, I go throughout my day and have many opportunities to tell myself "I am not good enough." And, I don't know 'boutchall but when I do that, unless I catch myself the VERY next moment and reaffirm myself, then I get stuck in that moment, and I live in my negative self-talk. I almost did so about 2 minutes ago.
I decided I wanted to put onto my Facebook a link to one of my songs so that I could share it with all of my loved ones. Because it didn't have a button that said "Attach music file," I thought, "Oh, I can't do it, there's no way I could figure out a way to do it." And I REALLY wanted to share the song so I decided fuck it! I'm beating that negative thought! I said to myself, "Find a way, dammit. You're amazing and intelligent!" So I did. :) I realized I could post it here, and then post my blog link to my Facebook page. THEN, as I was typing that JUST NOW, I realized I don't know how to post a song onto my blog, either, haha!! So, guess what I did. I Googled "How to post a song on Facebook" and man, did I find a bevy of resources! I am actually currently looking through them, to see what will be the best option, Lol. So look forward to my link coming soon on Facebook....HAHA!
(I know this probably all seems so simple, but it is truly amazing to me what I can do when I believe in myself and have 110% determination to accomplish something -- and on the flip side, it is TRULY amazing to me to see what simple things I can't accomplish when I make that momentary choice to think down on myself...)
Loves!
-Apollo
I decided I wanted to put onto my Facebook a link to one of my songs so that I could share it with all of my loved ones. Because it didn't have a button that said "Attach music file," I thought, "Oh, I can't do it, there's no way I could figure out a way to do it." And I REALLY wanted to share the song so I decided fuck it! I'm beating that negative thought! I said to myself, "Find a way, dammit. You're amazing and intelligent!" So I did. :) I realized I could post it here, and then post my blog link to my Facebook page. THEN, as I was typing that JUST NOW, I realized I don't know how to post a song onto my blog, either, haha!! So, guess what I did. I Googled "How to post a song on Facebook" and man, did I find a bevy of resources! I am actually currently looking through them, to see what will be the best option, Lol. So look forward to my link coming soon on Facebook....HAHA!
(I know this probably all seems so simple, but it is truly amazing to me what I can do when I believe in myself and have 110% determination to accomplish something -- and on the flip side, it is TRULY amazing to me to see what simple things I can't accomplish when I make that momentary choice to think down on myself...)
Loves!
-Apollo
9.19.2010
Perfection: A Choice
As I read a friend's blog today, I thought about all the things I say "I'm not enough" for. Just last night I was texting a friend and when she asked me what stops me from loving and accepting my body, I told her all of them. I think there were about 7 in all. And that was just for my body -- this mortal casing! I read through the comments on that friend's blog and people were listing all the ways in which they believe they are not enough for something. I came across one that said "I am not athletic enough to do cross-country" and immediately I thought "Well, that's silly! Part of participating in a sport is learning it (in my beliefs)!" So that person is perfectly enough to do cross-country, as they will learn along the way the best ways in which to stay in shape to continue successfully doing cross-country.
Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.
How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.
Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.
How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.
9.17.2010
ANT: My "Almost Nationwide Tour"
It is my "Almost Nationwide Tour" because I am not visiting West Virginia or Nevada. That's right...those states are so sparse and unnecessary that they are the ONLY states in the entire Union with no perceived value in them. Kudos to those two states. LOL.
AH! I just realized I'm not going to Hawai'i either....but that's just 'cause I can't RV across the ocean. Haha. There would be TONS of value in Hawai'i.....but probably not much musically....mostly just lying on hammocks on the beach without a care in the world.......HAHA!
Following is the list of places I WILL be visiting, playing in, volunteering in and (possibly) working in, beginning January/February 2011 (in order):
Sigh. This feels good. :)
AH! I just realized I'm not going to Hawai'i either....but that's just 'cause I can't RV across the ocean. Haha. There would be TONS of value in Hawai'i.....but probably not much musically....mostly just lying on hammocks on the beach without a care in the world.......HAHA!
Following is the list of places I WILL be visiting, playing in, volunteering in and (possibly) working in, beginning January/February 2011 (in order):
West Jordan, Utah188 locations in all.
Murray, Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
Sundance Festival, Park City, Utah
Sundance Festival, Salt Lake City, Utah
Bountiful, Utah
Ogden, Utah
Logan, Utah
Jackson, Wyoming
Island Park, Idaho
Bozeman, Montana
Coeur D'Alene, Idaho/Spokane, Washington
Seattle, Washington
Bellingham, Washington
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (recreational purposes only)
Seattle, Washington
Portland, Oregon
Salem, Oregon
Newport, Oregon
Crescent City, California
Klamath/Eureka, California (solely for Redwood Nat'l Park purposes)
Santa Rosa, California
Berkeley, California
San Francisco, California (also, stopping at the Getty Museum)
Sacramento/Citrus Heights, California
San Francisco, California
Santa Cruz, California
Monterey, California
San Luis Obispo, California
Santa Barbara, California
Thousand Oaks, California
Malibu, California
Calabasas, California (maybe)
Studio City, California (solely to stop to get TV spots)
Burbank, Californa (solely to stop at Jay Leno's studios and get an impromptu playing)
Hollywood, California
West Hollywood, California (including Park La Brea)
Beverly Hills, California
Century City, California
Santa Monica, California
Venice Beach/Marina Del Rey, California
Redondo Beach, California
Long Beach, California
Huntington Beach, California
Newport Beach, California
Laguna Beach, California
San Clemente or Oceanside, California
San Diego, California
Tijuana, Mexico.......for obvious purposes..... :D
Yuma, Arizona
Gila Bend, Arizona (maybe)
Puerto Penasco, Mexico
Tucson, Arizona
Phoenix, Arizona
Flagstaff, Arizona
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Juarez, Mexico (maybe)
San Antonio, Texas
Austin, Texas
Houston, Texas
Lafayette, Louisiana
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
New Orleans, Louisiana
Vicksburg, Mississippi
Birmingham or Montgomery, Alabama
Atlanta, Georgia
Tallahassee area, Florida
Homosassa, Florida (yes, JUST because of the name)
Tampa, Florida
Apollo Beach, Florida (YES! THE NAME!) :D
Cape Coral, Florida
Sanibel Island, Florida
Barefoot Beach, Florida (you gotta check that shit out, right?)
Naples, Florida
Miami/Miami Beach, Florida
Key West, Florida
Nassau/Nicholls Town, Bahamas
West Palm Beach, Florida
Orlando, Florida
Daytona Beach, Florida
Jacksonville, Florida
Savannah, Georgia
Charleston, South Carolina
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Sumter, South Carolina
Raleigh, North Carolina
Richmond/Mechanicsville, Virginia
Washington, D.C.
Baltimore, Maryland
Annapolis, Maryland
Dover, Delaware
New Castle/Wilmington Manor, Delaware
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Soho/Chinatown, NYC, New York
Coney Island, New York
Brooklyn, New York
East Village/NYU/Meat Packing District, NYC, New York
Wall Street/Times Square, New York
Central Park, NYC, New York
Manhattan/Harlem, NYC, New York
Mt. Vernon/Yonkers, New York
Stamford, Connecticut
New Haven, Connecticut
Hartford, Connecticut
Cranston, Rhode Island
Providence/East Providence, Rhode Island
Somerset, Massachusetts
Boston, Massachusetts
Manchester, New Hampshire
Concord, New Hampshire
Portland, Maine
Deer Isle, Maine
Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Burlington, Vermont
Montpelier, Vermont
Syracuse, New York
Rochester, New York
Buffalo, New York
The Niagara Falls
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
The Niagara Falls
Erie, Pennsylvania
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Youngstown, Ohio
Akron, Ohio
Cleveland, Ohio
Toledo, Ohio
Detroit, Michigan
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Dayton, Ohio
Columbus, Ohio
Cincinnati, Ohio
Lexington, Kentucky
Knoxville, Tennessee
Nashville, Tennessee
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Indianapolis, Indiana
Gary, Indiana (maybe)
Chicago, Illinois
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Duluth, Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Peoria, Illinois
Decatur, Illinois
St. Louis, Missouri
Memphis, Tennessee
Little Rock, Arkansas
Branson, Missouri
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Witchita, Kansas
Topeka, Kansas
Tonganoxie, Kansas
Kansas City, Missouri
Independence, Missouri
Des Moines, Iowa
Omaha, Nebraska
Lincoln, Nebraska
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Pierre, South Dakota
Rapid City, South Dakota
Mt. Rushmore, Keystone, South Dakota
Dickinson, North Dakota
Billings, Montana
Casper, Wyoming
Cheyenne, Wyoming
Laramie, Wyoming
Fort Collins, Colorado
Denver, Colorado
Littleton, Colorado
Grand Junction, Colorado
Arches National Park/Moab, Utah
Green River, Utah
Price/Helper, Utah
Duchesne, Utah
Park City, Utah
Brigham City, Utah
Twin Falls, Idaho
Boise, Idaho
Kennewick, Washington
Yakima, Washington
Seattle, Washington
Everett, Washington
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada
Chilliwack, British Columbia, Canada
Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada
Clinton, British Columbia, Canada
Prince George, British Columbia, Canada
Vanderhoof, British Columbia, Canada
Houston, British Columbia, Canada
Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada
Ketchikan, Alaska
Juneau, Alaska
Skagway, Alaska
Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada
Haines Junction, Yukon, Canada
Silver City, Yukon, Canada
Dry Creek/Snag Junction, Yukon, Canada
Northway Junction, Alaska
Tok, Alaska
Fort Greely/Delta Junction, Alaska
North Pole/Fairbanks, Alaska
Wasilla, Alaska
Anchorage, Alaska
McGrath, Alaska
Nulato or Galena, Alaska
Koyuk, Alaska
White Mountain, Alaska
Nome, Alaska
Wales, Alaska
Anchorage, Alaska
Glennallen, Alaska
Jasper, Alberta, Canada
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
Great Falls, Montana
Helena, Montana
Butte, Montana
Island Park, Idaho
Rexburg/Rigby, Idaho
Idaho Falls, Idaho
Pocatello, Idaho
Garden City, Bear Lake, Utah
Logan, Utah
Eden, Utah
Antelope Island
Sugarhouse, Utah
American Fork/Lehi, Utah
Orem, Utah
Provo, Utah
Draper/Sandy, Utah
West Jordan, Utah
Sigh. This feels good. :)
The Village!
Many of you may have noticed my previous post, which discusses my vision of RV'ing the country doing acts of service, singing my songs in random places, and doing day labor in different cities across the U.S. (And if you haven't yet read that, go check it out and then come back to this post.)
Well, I was just turned on to this online service, and I dig it. I plan to build a "village" and participate as needed in order to secure my funding for this vision I have. I ask you to join my "village."
What I am asking is clear (and I have posted links that can assist you in getting even clearer beforehand): Check out the links, join my "Varolo Village," watch ten minutes of videos every day to casually make money for yourself, and assist me in making money for myself without having to rely on funds from you personally! To ME, it sounds like a great idea...a great chance for me to be able to accomplish my dreams, and for you to be able to earn money while feeling good about assisting me as well.
Number One: It is a sort of MLM, HOWEVER (and this is a HUGE "however") it does not seem like it is out to fuck anyone over. It is completely free to join, there's nothing you have to order or pay for in fact....none of that regular MLM B.S.....the payout system is simply set up like a pyramid such that we can share and assist one another in getting money. Check out the following link to get the EXACT details:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/VaroloComp.html
(BTW, the video is a little long, but it is really worth watching the whole thing because it is very informative, honest and clear)
Now, if you want more information on the service itself, go to this link and watch this video:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/Varolo12Min.html
(Honestly, I didn't see much value in this one because it is just like a longer version of what is told to you on the sign up page, and it didn't add anything really important to my decision-making factors. And honestly, this is really only about making money really easily, for all of us, so the more important video is the one I posted first :)
Number Two: I ask that those who are interested sign-up, and be active, so that we can all assist one another in making money. And if you end up getting uninterested, then un-sign-up! LOL. It's ridiculously easy, the whole thing. And that is all that I am asking. Nothing else. It's that simple, uncomplicated, and value-oriented.
To sign up in my "village," and possibly even begin one of your OWN, follow this link: http://www.varolo.com/d/node/12?id=elnaevrtre%40lnubb.pbz
Thank you ahead of time. This is a huge step for me in advancing my biggest life-long dream, as outlined in my previous Note. Seriously: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Loves,
Apollo!
P.S. -- please discuss any questions, comments, etc. here so I know my feedback :) Thanks!
Well, I was just turned on to this online service, and I dig it. I plan to build a "village" and participate as needed in order to secure my funding for this vision I have. I ask you to join my "village."
What I am asking is clear (and I have posted links that can assist you in getting even clearer beforehand): Check out the links, join my "Varolo Village," watch ten minutes of videos every day to casually make money for yourself, and assist me in making money for myself without having to rely on funds from you personally! To ME, it sounds like a great idea...a great chance for me to be able to accomplish my dreams, and for you to be able to earn money while feeling good about assisting me as well.
Number One: It is a sort of MLM, HOWEVER (and this is a HUGE "however") it does not seem like it is out to fuck anyone over. It is completely free to join, there's nothing you have to order or pay for in fact....none of that regular MLM B.S.....the payout system is simply set up like a pyramid such that we can share and assist one another in getting money. Check out the following link to get the EXACT details:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/VaroloComp.html
(BTW, the video is a little long, but it is really worth watching the whole thing because it is very informative, honest and clear)
Now, if you want more information on the service itself, go to this link and watch this video:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/Varolo12Min.html
(Honestly, I didn't see much value in this one because it is just like a longer version of what is told to you on the sign up page, and it didn't add anything really important to my decision-making factors. And honestly, this is really only about making money really easily, for all of us, so the more important video is the one I posted first :)
Number Two: I ask that those who are interested sign-up, and be active, so that we can all assist one another in making money. And if you end up getting uninterested, then un-sign-up! LOL. It's ridiculously easy, the whole thing. And that is all that I am asking. Nothing else. It's that simple, uncomplicated, and value-oriented.
To sign up in my "village," and possibly even begin one of your OWN, follow this link: http://www.varolo.com/d/node/12?id=elnaevrtre%40lnubb.pbz
Thank you ahead of time. This is a huge step for me in advancing my biggest life-long dream, as outlined in my previous Note. Seriously: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Loves,
Apollo!
P.S. -- please discuss any questions, comments, etc. here so I know my feedback :) Thanks!
9.16.2010
I'm RV'ing Across the United States, Giving Music, Service & Worth
1) I am getting with Shawn Saunders, Justan Peterson & Jordan Beckstead to make music to my lyrics.
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
9.10.2010
Why I Should Forgive Me
I need to start forgiving myself. Because I don't, I hurt. And I continue to pile up negative thoughts about myself and my choices, and I continue to hurt. I fall into deep depression, and the only time I ever feel like I can actually breathe is when I get just above the tip of the water -- to a place where I don't fully believe in my pain, but I definitely don't believe in my joy, either. I've experienced what I believe to be pure joy possibly 3 times in my life thus far. And it is because I am too far into my own asshole of depression to feel anything else. One step I've identified today as a possible way to change this and start feeling REAL joy more often is to forgive myself for the "mistakes" I've made. Noticing that any "failure" was just a chance I took, and noticing why it may have turned out as a failure. I will never KNOW why it was a failure, but I can do my best to guess at why, subsequently teaching myself what does and what does not bring me joy. Let's see if it works.
*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.
*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.
9.07.2010
Hi. I'm beautiful.
How often do any of us go up to someone and introduce ourselves as such? I'd wager never. How often do any of us go up to someone we're meeting and even THINK that? I'd wager not quite often...I know I often don't.
And I feel beautiful, REALLY beautiful right now. And it doesn't feel quite fleeting.
Now, every time I meet someone new, I will shake their hand and say. "Hi, I'm Apollo!" and inside I will think "I am beautiful" or "...and god I'm gorgeous!!" and really feel it as I shake their hand. How might that feel to get a handshake from someone who truly knows and feels their worth and their beauty and emanates it??? Well, we will see, won't we?! Lol
And I feel beautiful, REALLY beautiful right now. And it doesn't feel quite fleeting.
Now, every time I meet someone new, I will shake their hand and say. "Hi, I'm Apollo!" and inside I will think "I am beautiful" or "...and god I'm gorgeous!!" and really feel it as I shake their hand. How might that feel to get a handshake from someone who truly knows and feels their worth and their beauty and emanates it??? Well, we will see, won't we?! Lol
9.02.2010
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