Living Through White-Colored Glasses

I am realizing how DEEPLY I deserve to fill my life with things that bring me joy and fun instead of darkness and despair.

I notice that throughout my whole life, I have given myself misery because I felt I deserved only darkness. But now, I've learned to love myself, and I am applying my lessons. I am being in self-worth and love. As a result, I see light all around me. I see my aura, and it is a beautiful white. Sometimes the lining does not project as far out as other days, and sometimes it does, but the outside band of it is grey instead of white. But it is no longer pure darkness.

I noticed today that this is happening because I am more joyful. The more joyful I feel, the wider the circumference of my aura stretches, until it fills up an entire room and extends past the ceiling, as I lie in bed.

As I've many times lain in bed filled with darkness, with a dank, black, gunky aura stretching to the ceiling and beyond, I was able to decide today what the difference between the black aura and the white aura is. As I mentioned before, it is my amount of joy. One way I've procured darkness in my life as been to fill my life with despair. To fill my life with things that make me unhappy, miserable, angry, self-hating, pain and many other dark-spirit emotions. I did this to keep me stuck, I recognize that now. The things I used to fill myself with darkness include: alcohol, judgment, hatred, lying to others, lying to myself, hiding my fears from myself, angry music, bitchiness, violence, irresponsibility, shame/guilt, spending money on things I "should" spend it on, doing things in life that I "should" do instead of what I purely want to do whether or not it seems appropriate or mature, paralysis via fear of failure.

As I remember how I lay in bed on Sunday filling the room with my whiteness and experiencing that feeling, I realized I have such an expansive aura because I am choosing to experience joy in life. I am procuring light in my life in order to be successful, to feel happy and to fill my life with things that make me happy, calm, joyous, honesty, self-love and love for everyone else. I used to look at people and judge them and build up SO much anger based simply on MY OWN judgment...as if they had perpetrated a spiritual crime against me just by existing. Now, I am teaching myself how much I absolutely LOVE to notice those same differences and quirks I used to judge and instead see them as SO beautiful. And I know this could sound like fake mumbo-jumbo rhetoric, and I know in the past I used to write about myself more whimsically and hype my spiritual progression...but this is honest and beautiful. I giggle so much now -- probably, like, 70% of my life now -- because I am absolutely tickled by how sweet everyone in the world truly is. It's a feeling to experience, not explain. :)

So, over the next year, I will be actively and purposely researching what experiences bring more joy into my life. Here is a preemptive list of things I will experience, as I believe they will bring joy into my life:
1. Sky diving
2. SCUBA diving
3. Learning ballet
4. Dating
5. Eating delicious food, and trying new delicious foods
6. Meditating
7. Yoga
8. Hiking
9. Spending lots of time with my friends!
10. Learning
11. Learning foreign languages (ASL and Italian to start with)
12. Writing music and lyrics
13. Drinking wine
14. Dancing
15. Smiling
16. Hugging others and expressing the depth of my love to them
17. Blogging
18. Serving
19. Going on random road trips with friends
20. Drinking coffee
21. Loving me

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Today, I feel REALLY weird. The last couple of days, I have been totally high, feeling like I can do anything in the world, and as of yesterday, that feeling started to spiral down, and today it has officially crashed. While I am in my shit today, I see clearly. I see I am in my shit, and I see pathways I could take to get out of it, and I am still fearing that if I move in a direction, it will be the wrong direction and I will be worse off than where I came from.

And so what if that's true? What would happen if I make a move and I fail utterly? Well, I am telling myself that all my friends would leave me, and so would my family, and I would be homeless and without any money or food or love in this world. And I'd either die physically or spiritually. Okay, so what if that happens? I'll be dead. Which will happen in about 60 years or less anyhow. So why is it SUCH a big deal to me if I die now? Because I want to live every single moment, because I've wasted so much of my life (I feel). And if I die RIGHT NOW, then I will be missing out on future moments I could experience. But this moment is not about worrying about future moments. It is about living in the current moment. I want to say it is also about looking forward to the happiness in future moments, but that is really just my Ego Self trying to get back into my current moment by inveigling itself in optimism and happiness. Life is about living in the current moment, this moment, until I can no longer. And then moving on to the next moment. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. :)

Seeing in RED: Eyes Wiped Clean

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
--Nelson Mandela

How many of us are afraid of HIV/AIDS? Are you? Did you just contemplate closing your browser after reading that question? If so, I would wager that you are. If you kept it open, still inventory yourself. You may be afraid of it, but willing to learn more. That is what we need to do to relinquish any fear we have from the hold it loves to keep on us. We learn about it. We experience it. We live a life that includes it in some aspect of our being. Now, (obviously) I am not saying "Hey, let's all go out and get HIV, so we can have some compassion..." But how many of us are too scared of it to even include it somewhere in our lives?

I'm beginning by calling out myself.
I have been SO scared of even approaching the topic of HIV/AIDS ANYwhere in my life. I have judged those who have contracted HIV as whores, sluts, irresponsible men who have no idea how to take care of themselves, or have any compassion for anyone else, so why should I have compassion for them??? HOWEVER, what I see now is that I chose to live in that judgment because it was too scary, as an uneducated gay man, for me to be able to approach a positive individual and say "I love you." What an atrocity, for that would mean that I might be labeled as positive! I could never endure such judgment -- the very same judgment I was casting and expecting others to endure.

I continue by calling you out.
How much do you know about HIV? How much have you educated yourself? How often do you reach out to those who have HIV? How many excuses have you already thrown up in defense of yourself? Too often, we believe it is not OUR burden to bear. Well, TRUST, it is not a burden. It is a gift -- in my opinion -- to be able to see someone with such beautiful compassion and see them through eyes wiped clean.
How often do you pity someone you've learned has HIV? How often do you ask if someone is "clean" (implying that if they have HIV or AIDS, they are "dirty")? How often do those with HIV/AIDS keep it a secret? How ashamed are they that they have it? On the other hand, let's be accountable: How many times do we judge those who live with HIV, fostering an environment in which they feel ashamed to be who they really are?

These are the words of a friend who is gay, lives with HIV, and has lived in Salt Lake City:

"The Community in Salt Lake are the prime example of hypocrites. They want equality from a church, yet they don't accept people with HIV...the community is SO uninformed. I hated being known as someone created by a community and not for who I really am. So I dealt with the humiliation and segregation from those who I called my friends."

This is ONE person. I've spoken with another friend about HIV/AIDS -- a public force in our community -- and he feels similarly.

Tyler Helms, who created IMPACT Red, now writes a bi-weekly column in The Advocate, called "Living the Questions" about what it is like to do just that. This decade is the time of education -- positive members of society truly are living the questions such that the rest of us may choose to educate ourselves with the answers. This is enough for which to honor these positive heroes. Tyler writes:

"I was finding that society expected full disclosure, would hold you
accountable for any risk, but was virtually unprepared for the openness. But demanding honesty and integrity is hard to do in a society that encourages truth but would prefer not to know it. In a city....where you will be heckled for speaking out about a truth that impacts us all. It even gets the most vocal of us down.
"But those willing to embark on a relationship with someone positive seem rare. The majority of people I meet are more willing to donate than go on a date. Perhaps this is why so many keep their secret from those they love. In the days following my December 1 public disclosure, I received an unsettling number of notes from people who are positive but have told no one. I sadly understand why they don’t. The fear of being alone, being judged, or not finding love often makes disclosure too great a risk — a risk that still is prevalent in 2010. To think they keep this secret from loved ones, hookups, and in some cases long-term partners is shocking. It’s also dangerous to our society."

What do WE do to educate? About the facts, and about the emotion? What do we do to encourage debate, to instigate learning, to honor those who teach? What are we doing to further this epidemic? How are OUR choices impacting US as a whole? What is our perspective around those who live their days with HIV/AIDS? Would we -- really -- reach out to someone who becomes positive?

Because whether we are gay or straight, or positive or negative, the answers -- and the questions themselves -- involve us aligning as one bloc: loving, powerful, clear and COMMITTED.

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
'Cause you and me: competitive to the bone.
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured,
We are not all for one and one for all.
You and me have felt impotent in our skin,
You and me have taken it out on each other.
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come --
With how strong we've been!
You and me are on this pendulum together,
You and me, with scarcity still fueling,
You and me have made it harder for the other;
We forget how hard separatism has been.
You and me, we can help change their minds together (with)
You and me in alignment until the end.
--Alanis Morissette, from the song "Sister Blister"

The Key

Yesterday, my amazing friend Lori Baldwin uttered very timely words to me and a group of friends. They are words I already believed, but it was nice to hear them again. In so many words she said: “I had an epiphany recently. Life is really just a dream. And in our dreams, we can create whatever we want.” Think about your dreams. What kind of crazy shit do you have going on in there?? I know mine are always weird, nonsensical and random. And as they are simply reflections of our consciousness in that moment, so is life, because the reality we perceive as life is but a dream that we are experiencing.

I believe where a lot of people get stuck in their ability to create what they want out of life is down the avenue of Gratitude. Sure, you may have strolled down it before, you may even know Gratitude Ave. like the back of your hand...but I believe in all of us, there is something down that street of which we have never before taken notice. I can’t tell you what that is, because everyone’s stroll has been different, so I challenge you to see what it is for you. Now, the reason I hypothesize this is based on experiences I’ve shared with myself, as well as experiences I’ve shared with others. When I reflect on my experience with life, creation and gratitude, a set of lyrics from “Grey,” one of my favorite Ani DiFranco songs, comes to mind. I’ve posted the set to which I’m referring immediately below, as well as the whole song -- in case you’re interested -- at the very bottom of this post.

“My little pink heart is on its little brown raft, floating out to sea…What kind of Paradise am I looking for? I’ve got everything I wanted, but still I want more. Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore…Regretfully, I guess I’ve got three simple things to say: Why me? Why this, now? Why this way?”

I know I’ve felt this way, really as a constant in my life, and I firmly believe we all have felt this way. No matter what side of the spectrum on which we lie, I believe we have all experienced this wanting, this desire, this loneliness in our lives to some degree. I used to let myself wallow in such melancholy, thinking it was cathartic. And who knows, it may have been...but what I believe now is that wallowing there does not ultimately serve me. Another friend posted yesterday on her Facebook page: “When you notice you are not getting what you want, instead notice what you aren’t getting that you don’t want.” I think that’s a first step. I think the next step is FULL-ON gratitude! In my opinion, the “tiny, shiny key” to which the song refers is Gratitude; Gratitude, for whatever circumstances may come to you, is the key to forward movement. If I’m having a horrendous day, I can see it as hell and sulk, or I can look at it with the mindset of “Well, thank god that day is over, on to the next!” or “Wow, if I’m having such a bad day, I wonder how the women in Iraq are doing. Thank you for blessing me with this life.”

To further this acknowledgment in your life, here are some questions to get you going:

For what kind of Paradise are you looking?
If you don’t have said Paradise, then what is getting in your way?
For what are you grateful today – really, genuinely grateful?
How can you be grateful and take your next step?



For your enjoyment, here are the full lyrics to "Grey," by Ani DiFranco, from the album "Reveling and Reckoning: Reckoning":

The sky is grey
The sand is grey and
The ocean is grey.

I feel right at home
In this stunning monochrome,
Alone in my way.

I smoke and I drink and
Every time I blink
I have a tiny dream.

But as bad as I am,
I'm proud of the fact
That I'm worse than I seem.

What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore...

You walk through my walls
Like a ghost on TV
You penetrate me

And my little pink heart
Is on its little brown raft,
Floating out to sea.

And what can I say but
I'm wired this way?
And you're wired to me...

And what can I do
But wallow in you
Unintentionally?

Oh, what kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Regretfully,
I guess I've got three
Simple things to say:
Why me?
Why this, now?
Why this way?

Th'overtone's ringing,
Undertow's pulling away
Under a sky that is grey
On sand that is grey
By an ocean that's grey!

And what kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore...

Pain Is a Warning Bell

Many people (including me more often than I'd like to admit) perceive pain as an evil. And I think much of that is due to the Happiness Revolution that began a few decades ago. During this revolution, it was taught that everyone's main focus should be happiness -- often avoiding the intricacies that pain offers to us. Consequently, many people feel pain and then avoid it. They try to turn it off -- an impossible endeavor -- and do away with it, thus creating a false sense of happiness and never achieving true joy in their lives. They live with a sinking feeling (whether consciously realized or not) and numb themselves to true, pure joy. Joy comes from seeing pain for what it is, thanking it for providing you whatever lessons may come of it, and passing it on to the rest of the Universe as a gift, not a curse.

One experience of pain (and in my opinion, the highest-functioning) is as a warning bell. When an experience hurts, it’s often an alarm going off trying to get our attention that something needs to change. It serves the same function as physical pain. If I touch a hot stove and it burns my finger, I know to pull away ASAP.

However, when it comes to emotional or spiritual pain, we often refuse to listen and instead play the victim. We say, or think: “Ouch! This hurts! But I can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way things are. I’d rather stay where I am than face the uncertainty of change.”...and so on. Focus on the irony: Would we do this with physical pain?? If we put our finger on a hot stove and felt the burn, would we linger there with our finger thinking "Damn! I'm stuck here in this pain! I need to think about what I should do next. If I remove my finger from that which just caused it pain, I'm not sure if I will be hurt again or even more so, so I think I'll just keep it here on the stove while I figure out what to do next"?? No! And if you ever encountered someone doing that, you would immediately go to help them, and most likely judge them to be insane for doing so! So why do we engage in that type of activity with emotional or spiritual pain? Too often for comfort, I see people living in their pain. Rather than feeling the pain, realizing that something needs to change and then immediately enacting that next step, TOO MANY PEOPLE learn instead to live with the alarm bells going off 24/7.

When you listen to that warning bell and take action as a result, it doesn’t simply stop the pain. It also leads you in a positive direction. As you will experience later (whether it be immediate or cumulative), the effect of those positive steps can be huge. But it is about taking the first step. The following are questions you can use to help yourself cope with pain and with change:

* What positive change could this be catalyzing?
* What is this pain telling me? What can I do about it? Where can I go from here?
* What do I need to learn to help me move past this pain?

Kindness

Kindness is new... I'm not sure what to write about it because I haven't often experienced it, in others or in myself. (When I say I haven't "Experienced" it, it doesn't mean it hasn't been around me trying to engage in me, I simply may have been not allowing it to engage with me)

So the other day, I went to a friend's house who I just barely met...her name is Angel Shannon, and you can find her, or her product Tranquility Circle, on my Facebook page. She read my blog the other day and was concerned about me so she offered me her services for free, and of course I welcomed the offer, as I believe when things are offered to people, especially for free, it is the Universe's way of saying "This is for you, take it." So I went. I have no idea how to exactly describe the meeting, but to sum it up it was kind of like a counseling session, I guess. After all the processing, and after all the tears, laughter and serious talk, we came down to an agreement on kindness. I have NEVER cared to be kind to anyone -- literally EVER -- unless I received an ROI. Kindness was simply about what I would get back because of what I put out, and if I could foresee no valuable ROI, it wasn't worth my time and effort, and I wouldn't make the effort to be kind. Angel assisted me in seeing the value of kindness in my life and in the lives of others (among other very deep realizations about myself, my past and my ability to shape my future) and it was very powerful. So I am challenging myself to be kind every day. Angel challenged me to take at least an hour every day to make a concerted effort to be kind to everyone, no matter who they were or what they could or could not do for me. But I've taken it one further and am doing everything I can do at all times to be kind to people. But I'm not going to be a perfectionist and beat myself up if I don't do it. I've already started and I've already slipped up and I've mostly been inspired by my ability to do something I had no faith in myself doing. So it's lookin' up, and we'll see where it goes from here :)

Are You Half An Ass?

I have experienced living half-assed for quite a while now. Without thinking very far back, I can ballpark it to about age 10 -- 13.5 years now. When my parents divorced -- and more aptly, when I internalized that my father rejected me -- I started to live life on autopilot. I was smart enough so I didn't even have to go to half my classes to get a decent grade. This continued on into college. I actually got approached by a professor who was bewildered and confused about what action to take; his syllabus indicated attendance as an integral piece of the successful grade-getting puzzle, but I was coming in just for the test and acing the class...he didn't know how he should grade me (what can I tell you, I am always pushing up against people's beliefs about what reality "should be" and what reality actually is lol).

For the longest time I blamed my inability to perform to my best on a number of things, including but not limited to: TIME (I mastered the ability to align my life with time and timeliness and then completely rejected it), ATTENTION (for MUCH too long I have "needed" attention and praise to "motivate" me -- by "motivate" I simply mean "keep me going until the next experience in which I was then starved for attention"), PERFECTION (I always needed to be beautiful, intelligent, right, inspiring, happy, real, successful, good enough...but not just that -- the MOST beautiful, intelligent, right, inspiring, happy, real, successful and good enough that was possible. No one could ever be better than me. If so, I was a failure and there was hell to pay within myself, and then I would manifest that without), CLARITY, OTHERS' OPINIONS/ACCEPTANCE (FYI: this, coupled with perfection, was my largest and most resilient downfall).

I'm typing this to make it even more real for myself. And I'm hoping that you will learn from it and that you will take it into your life and begin applying it if it rings true for you. But mostly, I'm writing it for me.

I've lived too long being half an ass. I'd rather just not be an ass at all (is that perfection coming in, though?) --> Oh, that points out a great aspect of my half-assed-ness that I forgot to mention. I would always worry myself to death, criticizing myself to death, and picturing the worst that could happen to keep myself from inaction. Also, I always focused my energy and my vitality even on the benefit and the "helping" of others and I never focused enough on me. Here is a tricky part for me to describe. There's the whole "live for yourself, 'cause it's not (the bad version of) selfish" conversation that I'm not quite sure really sinks in to anyone's brain...and I know it didn't for me...but that's not even quite what I mean when I say I never lived for myself...I THOUGHT I was living for me. That's where the shit was hitting the fan. I fooled myself into believing that I cared so much about a person or an organization that I would drop anything to help them or make ridiculous sacrifices to my personal integrity to make sure they felt okay. I actually believed THAT was my nature. The truth I see now is that everyone is capable of making their own choices and living in their own beliefs and realities and I hinder their growth and their future power by living half-assed and supporting them in THEIR half-assed-ness, if they were even that close...

When my dad left, I felt punished for not being good enough, though I had no real evidence that I WASN'T good enough. That, for some odd reason, was the first story that popped into my head in the very first moment I heard he left. I have been living that belief for over 13 years...more than half of my life...

I am finally discovering that I am good enough to be who I want to be, and I am teaching myself that, experience by experience. My life is changing dramatically as I connect with all this evidence. It really is beautiful right now, and the neophyte I am is afraid it will go away and I won't know how to regain it. But the truth is that I will know how to regain it, because I have just now learned how to gain it with no precedent. This time, if it slips, I will have a precedent to remember and to rely on for inspiration to find my way forward to where I want to live.

Good news.

My Heart Is Generous! Thank YOU!!!

Life is so beautiful. It is full, it is sincere, it is generous and loving, it is grateful and humble, it is pure and I absolutely love it.

First, and most happily, I went on a date last night! It was not a regular dinner and a movie type date, and I am very happy about that. The guy is fabulous; all night he was talking sweet to me and complimenting me and making sure I was happy and feelin' good and he totally swept me away :) I am SO grateful to the Universe for giving me this opportunity. I am absolutely smitten :)

And, of course, the Universe is simultaneously offering me the opportunity to see how patient I truly can be. Being patient is not my highest virtue, lol, especially when it comes to being attracted to people. So, cool that I get the chance to stretch that part of me.

I say this because, for those who don't yet know, I am flying out to Iceland at 9:30 tomorrow morning!! :D I am SO freaking excited for this..I'm wonderin' how it will be, and am a little bit antsy and anxious because it's COMPLETELY something I've never experienced before! I bought 4 disposable cameras so I can take 108 pictures total! I can't wait to share my experience with all of you...I'm hoping I'll be able to access internet after the day's work, or possibly on our "off days" so that I can update my blog, but I doubt I will be able to...it seems like we will be pretty rurally located :)

Oh! That reminds me! I get, like, 50+ updates on Facebook per day, and it takes like, an hour or so a day for me to check my friends' Facebook status updates, so if you expect me to see anything that you put on my Facebook page, please make sure to send me a FB email as well, letting me know about whatever you posted, 'cause when I get back, I'll probably have about 1,000 updates (and I will NOT be going through that many, haha), and it would take me, like, 20 hours to get through all the updates. So yeah, just an FYI :)

I love you all, very very very much, and I appreciate the role you play in my life, and the support you give me.

(Also, a quick special shout-out to Melisa Pehrson for that AWESOME travel bag you bought me! and to Kara Grotepas for hooking me up with Alex's info so we could meet each other. He is so perfect..I absolutely LOVE YOU! oh, and to Cary Robarge, 'cause he's just absolutely amazing. I can't even express how much I care about you and am grateful for your love. I just don't get how that is possible! I love you.)

P.S. -- Kara, I still don't know how to officially pronounce your last name, so if you could let me know, that would be so awesome :D

Excavation

So, I wrote this blog at the end of last month or the beginning of this month, and I saved it in a Word document, so I could post it the next day, and then forgot to post it! I just found it yesterday, so here it is...

Blog Buddies,

I had one of the purest, most beautiful nights I’ve ever had Saturday after Service. I got to do a trust fall into the loving arms of 6 of my best friends (as if I can even qualify ANYONE as a “best” friend since I have so many amazing people in my life). I can honestly say I was fully caught by the group, AND it was also not how it was “supposed” to look. Lol. And I am 200% grateful for that, because I learned how much these people truly and purely love me. One friend was even willing to drop himself to the floor and shove his body underneath me, with specific focus to my head, just to protect me from harm, letting me squish and hurt him. Wow. What a gentle, loving, humble, caring, protective friend. I deserve relationships in my life like the one I have with him. The irony is I’ve known him for only a few weeks and he loves me that much, whereas I have friends who I’ve known for 5 years who have just gotten comfortable and lazy. This weekend I have gotten much clearer on the truth that lies within my relationships, and the potential for the relationships I already have. I too have been lazy (and selfish) in my relationships. I cannot say that any of my friends have been lazy without also acknowledging it in myself, because relationships are a two-way street. My loved ones respond to how I interact with them. If I was constantly “tipping the scales” for them in the relationship, they just naturally WOULDN’T settle for being a lazy friend. Period. So I have some work to take on in my relationships. At this point I am speechlessly grateful for the “Relationship Renewal” worksheet that The Great Life Foundation provides as part of its coursework. It gives me a great springboard off of which to launch.

A quick shout out to volunteer staffing at The Great Life! Within the past two months, I have staffed a Founders Training, two Part Twos, am coaching a Part Three and am about to take on a Part One this week. And it has been the most forward moving choice I have made in a long time! I have been awakened to new pieces of my character and personality and am doing a great job at piecing myself back together. Since I began my training two years ago, I’ve felt like I had amnesia regarding the real me…and even partly that I never even created a real me… From such a young age I was always trying to please everyone, to create a peace bubble in my life. I was abused, and after the age of 7, I always felt completely neglected. I was the youngest, the baby, and I always felt left behind, especially compared to my middle sister. I never felt like I could do anything good enough, that I would never be loved enough, that I would never be able to prove to everyone that I was okay, and that they should love me. I never realized I needed to prove to MYSELF that I was okay and that I am capable of love and being loved – even moreso, not to prove, but even just to simply trust that about myself.

I’m hungry…I’m gonna go cook some leftovers, and I’ll be back to blogging in about twenty…

I totally forgot I was blogging! Haha. It’s probably about 2 hours later now…lol.

Anyhow, I love myself now, and I am consciously taking actions toward self-fulfillment, and to continue to show myself how much I love myself, and it feels nice. And it is all due to having done the courses at Great Life. The reason I give a shout out to staffing there is because I have been doing it so much lately and loving myself so much lately and my life is just completely working. I am aligning with the Universe regarding things I need for Get Smashed! I am finding and keeping close, loving, generous, caring, passionate, honest relationships. I am feeling peace. I am creating the life I want. I am doing everything I want: I am starting a new job (finally!), going to Iceland to serve as a volunteer, really seeing progress with Get Smashed!, and serving very freely at Great Life, creating this beautiful human experience for myself. The joy and love is so abundant! Thank you, Universe. Thank you, loved ones who support me and fully care for me and my well-being. Thank you, Mom. THANK YOU, Great Life.

Oh, and a most heartfelt thank you to “The Academy.” ;)

Also, if you like musically interesting, stylistically challenging, poetic music sung by a man who has quite possibly the most talented vocal power in all of musical history, check out the band Incubus. I am constantly in awe of what this band can do artistically, not only with their musical arrangements, but also what the lead singer, Brandon Boyd, can do with his voice.

I will post again later tonight, and then again tomorrow morning, and that will probably be all from me this week, as I am staffing Awakenings at The Great Life Foundation this Wednesday-Saturday. NOTE: If you haven’t yet taken this training (or hell, even if you have), I encourage you to do so THIS WEEK, as it is priced at the lowest it will probably ever be: $99. Normal seminars charge that much for one-day events, and this is 4 days and is NOTHING like a “normal seminar” – it is much more powerful. It’s like going to a “Buy One, Get Six Free” sale. Of course you’re going to go and snatch up a deal like that.

Finally, I’d like to create a new agreement with you, my lovely Blog Buddies: to post at least once a week. That is something I can safely accomplish and keep my word around.

Until Tonight,

Ryan!

Peace out, Loves.

You Are Going to Die Within the Year

Everyone says they have a bucket list, but most of us probably won't get started on it until we're 58, have had a sever mid-life crisis and have decided we want something new with our life. Well, luckily for me, I had my mid-life crisis early :)

I have created a 53-item to-do list, but I've given myself a challenge. Looking at my list, most people might choose to do all these before they die. But I want to really experience life, so I decided to give myself a one-year timeline to accomplish all of the items. Why? Because then when I've accomplished all of these items, I will have SOO much life left to accomplish and experience SOO much more. Why do we limit ourselves? Why, when we can soar like eagles, do we settle for flying like a seagull? This is where your list from yesterday comes in.

Whip out your 3 things that you wrote down that you have wanted to accomplish for some time. Why have you been stopping yourself from accomplishing them? What, in your perception, stands in your way? All our beliefs, fears, truths and perspectives are 100% valid, because WE, as the beautiful human being we are, chose to create them. Now just because they are valid does not mean that they cannot be proven wrong, or turned on their head. For instance, when I started my list, I wrote down that I wanted to learn Arabic. The only way I knew how to do that is to either learn it in college or to go to an Arabic country and live there for a while and pick it up that way. Both of which require money to happen, right?That was my belief about learning Arabic. Same goes with Chinese.....Then, lo and behold, about two days later, my friend asks me to catsit, and I come across Mandarin Chinese and Farsi (Persian) on his computer. It's just sitting there waiting for me to transfer it to my computer. For free. No money to stop me. Crazy, right? The Universe was just sitting there waiting -- just WAITING -- to turn my beliefs on their head.

I am very inspired by my friend Jana, whose blog you can find at http://firemama29.blogspot.com/ if you are interested in reading it... In her second blog, she talks about how she is going through this scary time right now, because she is radically shifting her life, and the lives of those around her, by looking at where her life is at and adjusting it to where she wants it to be. It is so beautifully vulnerable, honest and full of love..it inspires me to continue to shift my life to where I want it to be. The key is: you can make as many fancy lists or blogs or WHATEVER that you want to, but without following it through with action, it is simply an exercise in you writing down how stuck you/your life is.

So here is MY one-year bucket list! The upload graphics thing wouldn't work for me for some reason, so I just copied and pasted....so it should be really clear to see this time (compared my earlier blog Your Personal Brand)! Haha.
For the record, I have taken action on or completed numbers: 3, 6, 17, 18, 22, 24, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 39, 40, 43, 46, 47, & 50. And it's only been three weeks since I created this list, and, realistically, only two or two and a half weeks since I took action on my list. So that's proof that we can all make great, easy progress in our lives if I can do that much in such a short amount of time, Haha!

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)
1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French
3. Learn Chinese
4. Learn Korean
5. Learn Russian
6. Learn Arabic
7. Learn Portuguese
8. Open Get Smashed!
9. Have Get Smashed! be a premier date spot in Utah
10. Have Get Smashed! be a profitable and reputable mental health avenue in Utah.
11. Go to Belize on vacation
12. Take an all-inclusive trip to either Atlantis or Sandals Resort in the Caribbean
13. Take a vacation to Italy
14. Take a vacation to London
15. Take a vacation to Taiwan before Sara leaves it.
16. Have Get Smashed! make revenue of $50,000+ per day
17. Have completed my personal brand
18. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand.
19. Have a modeling career.
20. Learn and commit to memory basic HTML
21. Learn basic typing/computer skills until I feel I know enough
22. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile.
23. Own a MacBook Air and a regular MacBook Pro.
24. Go to a challenging, distinguished university –
deservedly en route to earning my degree to become U.S. Secretary of State.
25. Meditate every morning and every night.
26. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
27. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
28. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
29. Live a self-disciplined life.
30. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life.
31. Live healthily.
32. At least quarterly, throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about
(for happy reasons) long after they happened.
33. Know as much as possible of ballet.
34. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
35. Fully understand human anatomy.
36. Read Book of Mormon, King James’ Bible, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine & Covenants.
37. Read the Koran
38. Study Hinduism
39. Study Buddhism
40. Read the Jewish holy scripture
41. Read the standard Catholic holy scripture
42. Go on an African safari with Will, Jackie, Mom, Nicole, Kris, Court and my significant other.
43. Quarterly, write thank you letters to the Orvises for the impact they’ve had on me.
44. Spend money wisely.
45. Save money wisely.
46. Know money.
47. Have a beautiful, tranquil, generous living space.
48. Take $30,000 home to my personal bank account every month.
49. Be able to play piano, guitar and drums very well.
50. Read one book per month.
51. Have an immaculately defined muscular body.
52. Have removed all the hair on my back and shoulders.
53. Go to Gili Meno in Bali for two weeks and live in introspective silence.

Now, some of you may be thinking, "Oh, this is a pretty good idea...but I won't really ever do it."
WHY???? You could be dead within a year. You will never know when you will die, and you will die one day and there you will be. Dead. And what will you have done in your life to create happiness, joy, peace..your true self? what will you have shown the world, concerning your life? Michael Jackson died suddenly. Everyone around him was surprised because they thought, for the most part, he was fit as a fiddle. And then BOOM, one day he has a heart attack. (If you're keen, you will have noticed my list was created the day he died.) Will you waste your life, or will you Create your life? Will you kill your time? Or will will you live your time?

I look forward to your responses, immediately and a year from now. What will you be for yourself within the next year?

With Love and Gratitude,

Ryan!

Ahhhhh, thank god for blogs! What a way to clear myself!

Hey, blog buddies, how are you doing today?! I hope you are great. Today is a new, fresh day; a new beginning if you choose it. I hope you do, because life sucks when we're stuck, and when we refuse to enjoy life for ourselves.

Anyhow, at the beginning of May, I joined an MLM-type of company that distributes energy drinks. The company is called eFusjon, and it is really a DELICIOUS energy drink. Not only is it great 'cause it's delicious, but even better: I can drink it! You see, three years ago, I had a seizure after a night of partying during which I had a few Rockstars, so ever since, I have sworn off energy drinks because of the IMMENSELY UNHEALTHY amount of caffeine they have in them (and while we're on the health subject, let's not forget to mention how much sugar they have in them! Bah!)

Anyhow, I was introduced to eFusjon by a friend and I was like, "Yeah, whatever, dude, it's an energy drink, I don't give a damn about it." That was my front, 'cause I somehow had to convince myself to hate energy drinks so I wouldn't pounce on them every chance I got; I just loved their taste sooo much! Then he told me about their "Raw" version, which is the same energy drink, but without caffeine. And I was like, "Well, that's cool that they'd venture there, but it obviously won't work. Caffeine is the only reason the other energy drinks work....duh..." (Yes, this is the exact candid, uncensored bitchiness I gave him, lol). But in the end, I trust him with any financial endeavor ever, and would follow him off a skyscraper if he told me it would make me money and I wouldn't die. So I signed up. Note here, please, that I'm not trying to enroll you or sign you up. I'm purely writing my thoughts and my story because I think it's a fun story. :)

So, continuing:
I signed up because I ended up trusting what he was talking about. And I've learned that that's the only reason people will ever sign up for anything, specifically anything that they perceive will risk them money, time, or their reputation. I've also learned that people will trust other people for the silliest reasons sometimes! Haha. Anyhow, I signed up in May and I spent a little less than $200 doing so, and that was a huge risk/obstacle for me. I have clung to money like it's a collector's item -- at least when it comes to RISKING IT. When it's being blown on cute clothes, it just FLIES out of my hands! Haha! So I freaked out that I risked that much on something that's "not a sure bet." K, but technically, this is the surest bet I could possibly have put my money on. I'll willingly go to Wendover and Vegas and blow a few hundred bucks, which i silly logic because I'm completely betting on luck...some of the games involve skill, yes, but for the most part, I'm betting on luck. I'm investing money into something that I really have no or minimal control over. Yet this opportunity actually, logically, makes sense. 'Cause I'm putting money down on MYSELF. I'm betting how well I can perform a job. I'm betting that I can be a solid communicator. I'm betting that I have solid, trusting, engaging friendships and relationships. I'm betting solely on myself.

HOWEVER, I didn't realize this at the time, so I totally freaked out on myself. And because I freaked out, I shut down...I was already in shut down mode from having quit my job and not knowing what I was doing at that point, not knowing where life was going, and not knowing where my money was coming from next.....and then I spent some of the precious money I had! Ahhhhhh, my mind was going craaaaaaaaazzzzzyyyyy! So I shut down, and I didn't mention to anyone that I was a part of this club, and I totally hid. To illistrate how much I hid, I was talking to my friend Sara on Skype one day and she expressed that she was concerned 'cause I didn't seem like my normal self, and asked "When was the last time you left your apartment?" and I sat there and thought, and I couldn't remember! I honestly had to tell her "Shit...I don't remember......that's pathetic..." and she said "Yes. It is, Ryan. Get your ass up and go out. SOMEWHERE." Yeah, that whole hiding thing DOESN'T really work when you're in a position where you're only gonna be more successful by talking to people....

So the first month goes by, all the while I'm hiding from everyone. Of course, I don't have success, 'cause I'm nowhere near immersing myself. I'm just sitting at my computer saying "Go efusjon!" all the while hoping that eFusjon will pick me up on its lovely-tasting wings and ride me toward financial success and peace! (Feel free to note how lame I was being.) Meanwhile, my friend Lester, who had a direct effect on my having signed up, has signed up his 100th person. WHAT THE FUCK??? And Shawn, the guy who enrolled me into the club, is so successful he's already using it to pay for his house. K, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK??? So, little old lonely, Mr. creative poetic dancer kid over here is just retarded or something? Am I not destined for riches? At least not through this avenue? Does money not like me? Am I not good enough for money?? What a bitch money is that it would avoid me and tell me I don't deserve to be a part of its life and sneer at and mock me! Fine, eff money! I don't want any of it now anyway! It can stay in Shawn's hands, paying his freaking multi-million-dollar mortgage! It can stay in the hands of anyone, as long as it's not me...'cause I hate money now. It totally offended me. That bastard...
Yes, this is all the truth of what was running through my monkey mind. I am evidently VERY emotionally attached to money.

So at this point I'm pissed. Not just at my lack of money, but at my actual eFusjon cans; at the guy who signed me up; at all the successful people out there (not just the ones participating with eFusjon!); at the sun for coming up every day and reminding me that it's a new day -- a new beginning -- and I could be out there signing people up and making money and making rent and being able to eat for another day; and then at food 'cause it makes me eat it, and I need money to buy food to eat; and then at my body for needing food to run successfully; and then at my apartment 'cause not only is there enough reasons in general for me to hate my apartment building/company (like most other people, right? Lol), but additionally because it charges me rent every month, as if my being on this world is not grace enough to waive the "necessity" or paying a few hundred bucks every month to LIVE. In case you're still wondering, no, I'm not taking ANY accountability for any of this. Basically, screw everything and everyone. Haha!

So, I go to my friend's house for a "raw food tasting." She's on a new diet for health purposes, and is to eat only raw foods, and she decided to make an event out of it to share it with other people (and 'cause she's just one of those "event" types of people). I've always wanted to do something like this, and she's a DAMN good cook, so of course I go. For a while now, I've contemplated switching to raw food and as such, eat and live more healthily -- but in my beliefs, raw food is expensive....so screw raw food then! Mocking me with its health AND cost.....what a bitch....Wait wait, no, get over yourself Ryan....Just go TASTE the food...you don't have to be mad at it just because it is aligned in some way with money, and in this moment you're still choosing to be TOTALLY unaccountable for your anger toward money and eFusjon..it'll all be okay, just go taste some food....

And thank god I went, because Lester was there. But I was angry at him, and eFusjon, and money, remember? So, of course, right out of the gate, he starts talking about eFusjon (um, not helping, sir!!) and I'm just like "Yeah, I'm totally interested, and I'll pretend to be nice, blah blah" and then something just hit me. My higher self, I think. I say to myself: "Wait...just for a second...stop listening for a second (or half-listening, really)...stop thinking..just for a second. Okay, thank you. Now....what if you were mature." "Wait, what???" "Yeah...what if you were mature. Or let me put it this way, what if you weren't being IMMATURE?" "Hey, fuck you! Your my higher self, you're supposed to be supporting me!" "Just think about it and feel about it...what if you weren't immature, Ryan? Love you, bye." "Buh! Ugh, you just leave like that...whatever.."

"Wait, that was a really immature response, Ryan." "So?" "No, that's not where you're going, Ryan. Mature means you don't bite back just for the thrill of arguing." "Oh yeah." "Yeah....." "Sigh..." Okay. So I start listening to Lester. With an open heart. As if he's signing me up all over again. And then I get to myself. I think, "Yeah, well you know what, Lester. It's easy for you to say and do all that. You're, like, 33 or something? And you're already immensely wealthy, pre-eFusjon. you've got it down. You know what the hell you're doing. I'm just this stupid 22-year-old who's taking a stab at something he's never tried before, and has definitely never been successful at it before, who doesn't know what he's doing, and who has no confidence in his money-making abilities. And on top of that, because I don't come with a built-in foundation of people who trust my money-making abilities, like you and Shawn and Rich do, it's more (basically impossible) work for me. So say all you want, but we're two VERY different people, and I can't make this work." Note that I'm THINKING all this...I haven't uttered a peep of it. And then he says something that floors me. Lester: "And, I mean, look at Joe Blow [I'm keeping the name private out of respect]. He's young, to my knowledge he hasn't had any 'huge' success making money, or businesses or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't have a big following of people who think that he's a financial guru like Shawn or I do. But he's being wildly successful at it." Wow. That's all I know how to say, to think...I am literally speechless, so much so that my monkey mind can't even THINK anything! Now that's a DEFINITE wow. Haha!

Lester pointed out that there seems to be a lot that Joe and I have in common, especially in the Obstacles Department. So what's so different between me and Joe? Well, besides his fabulous body, beautiful blonde tresses, and perfect facial structure that is... Granted his outside is amazing, the biggest difference is inside. He's unafraid to risk. He's unafraid to fail. and probably most importantly -- he's unafraid to succeed.

If you have not yet read my blog entitled "Your Personal Brand, Pt. 1" then go read it now and come back. And then comment here and let me know how many of you ACTUALLY did what I just told you to do, haha! If you have read it, you know something very special. In it, I posted an image of the beginning stages of my own personal brand. Among the long list of everything I want to be thought of/remembered as, there were three I wanted to achieve very quickly. They were: Willing to Risk, Willing to Fail, and Willing to Succeed. I'm not even shitting you. Go check it out if you haven't yet -- and note the date I posted that blog. I went to the raw food tasting this Sunday: July, 5th. Not only was the blog posted before the raw food tasting, but it was written a week or so before I posted it. Holy Love, the universe works in mysterious ways, right??

So in that moment, I expressed gratitude to my higher self for directing my attitude toward being open for this talk, and I made a decision. I decided to let go of my jaded attitude toward the big, scary "Multi-Level Marketing" concept we all have. Yes, there have been some shitty ones out there, let's all just be honest. There have even been ones that were started specifically just to screw over their participants so that the Big Wigs could make just fast cash, let's all just be honest.

And in the spirit of honesty, let's all just be honest about OURSELVES. Whether or not we like it, money really does make the world go around -- not ONLY money of course, but it is definitely a large key. We've just made it that way as a society. This is a concept that has taken me a LONG damn time to recognize and to feel good about accepting...I'm the one who doesn't really care about money. My dream is simply to be in public service for the rest of my life. Always with one caveat: if I could make enough money to live like that. That caveat is always there. Not just in MY expressions, but in my mom's, in my sister's, in my friends', in my cousin's. Money is important in today's world; we have made it so. AND we like money! We love the abundance of money. We may have walls up against it for whatever reasons (Lord knows I did and still do to some extent), but we all truly love it. I mean, it makes the world go 'round! How could we not love it? It offers us the freedom to vacation to all these crazy places we want to go. Or to take three months away from our job and not worry about how we'll make ends meet and JUST RELAX! Or my personal favorite right now: To just make rent this month! :) Or simply to be able to take enough time off work to fly to Chicago and grieve when our mom passes away and we NEED to go to the funeral, we NEED to grieve. Or to take our kid to Disneyland every year for their birthday! I mean, wow, how fun would that be for your kid? I mean, I don't even like Disneyland -- even as a kid -- (yes, feel free to leave your hate mail in the form of a comment), but I'm sitting here as I type that, thinking "God, THAT would have been a nice childhood. I actually would have felt special for once." For these reasons, and more, I decided to let myself be successful.

And when I decide to love myself and be successful, the world shifts. The rest of the world jumps onto my groove and goes along for the sweet, blissful ride! I'm not even joking you when I write this: I shifted my thinking while at the raw food tasting, and by the time I got home, someone had commented on my Facebook page requesting more info about eFusjon. And then I talked to someone else and they got interested. And just last night I talked to someone else about it and they seemed hella interested in it. And before that day, any time I talked about it, everyone I talked to would say, "Look, I'm not at all interested, so let's stop talking about it!" right when they heard me say anything about that big, scary three-letter word: "MLM" (multi-level marketing). Now that I've decided to risk, and to posibly fail, and no matter what to definitely succeed, I have changed the definition of "MLM" just for me. I remind myself that it stands for "Me Loves Me," 'cause that's truly what it is about for me. It is about me choosing to love myself enough to risk and still love myself, and to fail and to still love myself, and to succeed and still love myself. That's what this journey is about for me. AND I get to make money in the meantime. Hell yes, I'm in. :)

If you're in, you can sign up through my web site www.efusjon.com/ryanlr or you can request more info from me, if you still need some to believe that you can succeed. Please note that this isn't a solicitation, and there's obviously no obligation or anything like that. And I'm definitely not attached to whether or not you sign up. I'm simply putting my link here so you have a way to sign up if you're interested in doing so.

My biggest wall was money. Coupled with my self-worth and self-love (or, more apropos, my lack thereof). And then top onto that my need to be right, my belief that I will never be good enough, and my fear of communicating with people. And I'm not just talking about eFusjon. eFusjon is simply a "symptom" in my life...it's another area in which I engage myself on this Earth. All the things I listed above get in my way EVERYWHERE ELSE, haha, it was just rippled over into my efforts with eFusjon. It was like Great Life for me -- a great mirror for me to look at how I do life, and then a sharp realization of how doing it that way is getting in my way of happiness, success, love and peace.

So what is your biggest wall? Leave a comment below and let us all know. Share this space like it is your own backyard, please. It is here for you and your free expressions.

Full of Excitement and Love,

Ryan