Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?
Bring on tomorrow.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
4.16.2010
4.06.2010
Monday, April 5, 2010, 12:43 AM
Tonight, I'm learning to be free. And it is truly scaring the shit out of me, because that means I don't get to have control, something I've long held in my life, the thing most highly sought after my whole life.
I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.
I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?
I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.
Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.
Love and Peace!
I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.
"It might never be the same, we may never be able to live those days gone by, but we can try."
I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?
I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.
Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.
Love and Peace!
7.11.2009
Founders is the most influential LGAT I've ever encountered
Is it technically cheesing out on a committment if I snuck in and started the last blog at the last minute before the day ended, though I didn't finish it until the clock had past the strike of midnight? I vote no so I can have peace of mind. That's a win/win: you get a lovely new blog and I get peace of mind. Me likey :)
(In perfect truth, I started it before midnight on Saturday so the published time stamp would be then, but then I slept for TWELVE HOURS, haha, and am now actually starting to type it all at 4:12 pm on Sunday....and I probablhy won't finish it til like, 7 pm-ish tonight...)
So I have quite a bit to blog about today. I staffed the final day of Founders and wow, was it spectacular. I'm upset I choose not to go into details, in order to save the sacredness for those who have not yet experienced it, but I can say that I did something I have not done in....god, I don't even know how many years...maybe six? I prayed. In front of 40 other people. And I did something I have never done before. I prayed with a full, contrite, grateful heart. It truly was one of the top experiences of my life, that moment. And I thank Jayson Orvis, Brett Harward, Jocelyn Harward, Randy Blosil and, mostly, Walter Allred for bringing me that experience.
I never knew I could feel so intimately entwined with any form of deity. I never knew that I could feel as a deity myself. I never believed I could feel so secure surrounded by my closest loved ones. I never thought that I would be thankful for some of the things that came to me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have noticed the things I am most grateful for, and really come to terms with my life in the most powerful, clearest way possible.
I was bawling throughout the prayer, swearing a couple times, too (haha) -- it was the sheerest moment of my perfection. And I am SO, unrepayably (if that is a word...if not, it is now) grateful and indebted to Walt, Randy and Jocelyn. I am upset that this blog could never -- nor could mere mortal expression -- highlight, let alone fully express, either the gratitude I feel toward them, or the peace and love I feel for myself and for the spiritual part of me, that beautiful essence of me with which I have so long feared connection. Neither could I ever humanly express what I experienced. It was the breakthrough of breakthroughs for me in this moment of my life. It was like connecting with everyone in the entire world simultaneously in the same moment and bringing that home to myself, and feeling every piece of the depths of it in my heart. It was like glimpsing at whatever it is that makes up the oneness of us all and saying "I love you" and having that love silently, humbly returned to me. It was forgiveness and peace and clarity. It was generosity and love and humility. It was complete oneness. It was grace. And yes, it was definitely How God Enrolls. It was the deepest moment I have ever experienced in my life, and I am grateful that it was first and foremost with myself, as well as with my dearest buddies.
Thank you to all of those who share this blog with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion and care. Thank you for your depth, your trust, your willingness, and your peaceful grace.
Now it is your turn:
What is the deepest moment you have ever experienced? How do you feel about spirituality, and what is the path you have taken to come to that conclusion?
I IMMENSELY look forward to reading your comments.
With Love, Peace and Grace,
Ryan!
(In perfect truth, I started it before midnight on Saturday so the published time stamp would be then, but then I slept for TWELVE HOURS, haha, and am now actually starting to type it all at 4:12 pm on Sunday....and I probablhy won't finish it til like, 7 pm-ish tonight...)
So I have quite a bit to blog about today. I staffed the final day of Founders and wow, was it spectacular. I'm upset I choose not to go into details, in order to save the sacredness for those who have not yet experienced it, but I can say that I did something I have not done in....god, I don't even know how many years...maybe six? I prayed. In front of 40 other people. And I did something I have never done before. I prayed with a full, contrite, grateful heart. It truly was one of the top experiences of my life, that moment. And I thank Jayson Orvis, Brett Harward, Jocelyn Harward, Randy Blosil and, mostly, Walter Allred for bringing me that experience.
I never knew I could feel so intimately entwined with any form of deity. I never knew that I could feel as a deity myself. I never believed I could feel so secure surrounded by my closest loved ones. I never thought that I would be thankful for some of the things that came to me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have noticed the things I am most grateful for, and really come to terms with my life in the most powerful, clearest way possible.
I was bawling throughout the prayer, swearing a couple times, too (haha) -- it was the sheerest moment of my perfection. And I am SO, unrepayably (if that is a word...if not, it is now) grateful and indebted to Walt, Randy and Jocelyn. I am upset that this blog could never -- nor could mere mortal expression -- highlight, let alone fully express, either the gratitude I feel toward them, or the peace and love I feel for myself and for the spiritual part of me, that beautiful essence of me with which I have so long feared connection. Neither could I ever humanly express what I experienced. It was the breakthrough of breakthroughs for me in this moment of my life. It was like connecting with everyone in the entire world simultaneously in the same moment and bringing that home to myself, and feeling every piece of the depths of it in my heart. It was like glimpsing at whatever it is that makes up the oneness of us all and saying "I love you" and having that love silently, humbly returned to me. It was forgiveness and peace and clarity. It was generosity and love and humility. It was complete oneness. It was grace. And yes, it was definitely How God Enrolls. It was the deepest moment I have ever experienced in my life, and I am grateful that it was first and foremost with myself, as well as with my dearest buddies.
Thank you to all of those who share this blog with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion and care. Thank you for your depth, your trust, your willingness, and your peaceful grace.
Now it is your turn:
What is the deepest moment you have ever experienced? How do you feel about spirituality, and what is the path you have taken to come to that conclusion?
I IMMENSELY look forward to reading your comments.
With Love, Peace and Grace,
Ryan!
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