The Beat Of My Heart

I am feeling my heart tonight, and some of my soul, and it is a unique experience. I feel so charmed. I feel sexy and fun. I feel honest and vulnerable and honored. I feel inspired and awed and humbled. I feel red and magenta and dark pink, and I see those colors streaming into my heart at the speed of the Rail. I feel so connected, and so light while being so heavy, and beautiful and peaceful. I feel as deep as the Marianas Trench tonight. And all of these beautiful aspects of myself I am feeling because I am allowing myself to cautiously but benevolently connect with a man who I am so inspired by...someone who is, in my eyes, the most powerful man we will see in the coming decades.

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

--By Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the song "Music of the Night," from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack

Lately, I've just been incredibly shallowly attracted to men. Like, I wanted to fuck 'em, but in the end, I'd rather not even put forth the effort for them...but with him, it is crazy...I am practicing myself being true authentic Me, and I'm always succeeding. I feel beautiful around him.

I forgot how good it feels...I had closed myself off so hardcore before Alex (my ex-fiancee), and even more so after Alex. I couldn't feel true love. And now, having done Relationships training at Great Life, and having moved, and having begun claiming who I really TRULY am and want to be, I have really opened myself back up again...I've torn myself open, and it feels really cool to feel like this again!

[They] used to speak of an angel...
I used to dream he'd appear.
Now as I sing I can sense him
And I know he's here...

Here in this room, he calls me softly
Somewhere inside, hiding
Somehow I know he's always with me
He, the unseen genius

--By Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the song "Angel of Music," from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack

Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing my heart into yours, and yours into mine. I know how scary that can be, and, in fact, am experiencing that along with you. You are such a large piece of beauty in my life. I am blessed on a personal level to mingle in your energy. I am intensely grateful for you on a worldview level because I know you will bring about such immense change and progress to our nation and our world. I am excited to see the world welcome your beauty, grace, eloquence and generosity as honestly as I have.

Love, Peace and Kisses to everyone,

Apollo

Founders is the most influential LGAT I've ever encountered

Is it technically cheesing out on a committment if I snuck in and started the last blog at the last minute before the day ended, though I didn't finish it until the clock had past the strike of midnight? I vote no so I can have peace of mind. That's a win/win: you get a lovely new blog and I get peace of mind. Me likey :)
(In perfect truth, I started it before midnight on Saturday so the published time stamp would be then, but then I slept for TWELVE HOURS, haha, and am now actually starting to type it all at 4:12 pm on Sunday....and I probablhy won't finish it til like, 7 pm-ish tonight...)

So I have quite a bit to blog about today. I staffed the final day of Founders and wow, was it spectacular. I'm upset I choose not to go into details, in order to save the sacredness for those who have not yet experienced it, but I can say that I did something I have not done in....god, I don't even know how many years...maybe six? I prayed. In front of 40 other people. And I did something I have never done before. I prayed with a full, contrite, grateful heart. It truly was one of the top experiences of my life, that moment. And I thank Jayson Orvis, Brett Harward, Jocelyn Harward, Randy Blosil and, mostly, Walter Allred for bringing me that experience.

I never knew I could feel so intimately entwined with any form of deity. I never knew that I could feel as a deity myself. I never believed I could feel so secure surrounded by my closest loved ones. I never thought that I would be thankful for some of the things that came to me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have noticed the things I am most grateful for, and really come to terms with my life in the most powerful, clearest way possible.

I was bawling throughout the prayer, swearing a couple times, too (haha) -- it was the sheerest moment of my perfection. And I am SO, unrepayably (if that is a word...if not, it is now) grateful and indebted to Walt, Randy and Jocelyn. I am upset that this blog could never -- nor could mere mortal expression -- highlight, let alone fully express, either the gratitude I feel toward them, or the peace and love I feel for myself and for the spiritual part of me, that beautiful essence of me with which I have so long feared connection. Neither could I ever humanly express what I experienced. It was the breakthrough of breakthroughs for me in this moment of my life. It was like connecting with everyone in the entire world simultaneously in the same moment and bringing that home to myself, and feeling every piece of the depths of it in my heart. It was like glimpsing at whatever it is that makes up the oneness of us all and saying "I love you" and having that love silently, humbly returned to me. It was forgiveness and peace and clarity. It was generosity and love and humility. It was complete oneness. It was grace. And yes, it was definitely How God Enrolls. It was the deepest moment I have ever experienced in my life, and I am grateful that it was first and foremost with myself, as well as with my dearest buddies.

Thank you to all of those who share this blog with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion and care. Thank you for your depth, your trust, your willingness, and your peaceful grace.

Now it is your turn:
What is the deepest moment you have ever experienced? How do you feel about spirituality, and what is the path you have taken to come to that conclusion?

I IMMENSELY look forward to reading your comments.

With Love, Peace and Grace,

Ryan!