Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Today, I feel REALLY weird. The last couple of days, I have been totally high, feeling like I can do anything in the world, and as of yesterday, that feeling started to spiral down, and today it has officially crashed. While I am in my shit today, I see clearly. I see I am in my shit, and I see pathways I could take to get out of it, and I am still fearing that if I move in a direction, it will be the wrong direction and I will be worse off than where I came from.

And so what if that's true? What would happen if I make a move and I fail utterly? Well, I am telling myself that all my friends would leave me, and so would my family, and I would be homeless and without any money or food or love in this world. And I'd either die physically or spiritually. Okay, so what if that happens? I'll be dead. Which will happen in about 60 years or less anyhow. So why is it SUCH a big deal to me if I die now? Because I want to live every single moment, because I've wasted so much of my life (I feel). And if I die RIGHT NOW, then I will be missing out on future moments I could experience. But this moment is not about worrying about future moments. It is about living in the current moment. I want to say it is also about looking forward to the happiness in future moments, but that is really just my Ego Self trying to get back into my current moment by inveigling itself in optimism and happiness. Life is about living in the current moment, this moment, until I can no longer. And then moving on to the next moment. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. :)

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?

Bring on tomorrow.

I Can't Go Home

It reminds me of fear. It reminds me of pain. Because of love. It reminds me of all the beauty and all the hideousness that hides within us. It reminds me of anger and sadness, and light and fun. It reminds me of the sweetest, gentlest kisses I've ever tasted and the bittersweet remorse of winning the battle but getting massacred in the war. I feel death's cold stare, and I weep for it. I weep for me, and for Alex, and all that was, could have been and wanted to be. I hate that we cut short our love. We stood there, over the hospital bed, knowing that full responsibility of choice lay heavy on our shoulders, and on our minds. The pain comes from one ripping the cord out and one screaming to plug it back in while doing his best to resuscitate death. I can't go home tonight. I don't know when I can return to that lonely lair, and when to embrace the fear I feel so vulnerably. I'm fading now...fatigue is settling in, gripping me and thrusting me toward its demons. I think now is when. I think now is the time for me to go home.