Melting the Molasses

Apparently, my manager has a huge fear of disease? The other day, I overheard him telling an employee that he would have rather had them not come in to work because they were sick, even though to me they weren't even symptomatic. So I called in today to learn when he wanted me to show up and he heard my raspy-as-fuck sore throat and was all "Oh, that sucks...I was gonna have you come in tonight but you're sick, so just rest up all day, do as much healing as you can for yourself and then come in tomorrow morning." "Really?" I asked him, in disbelief. "Yeah, I don't want you to get any of the other employees sick because we all need to be on top of our game to sell well, you know?" "Oh. Okay." I replied....still in disbelief. I've never called in to work, wanting to go in even though I'm sick, and been told not to come in. It was weird. Lol.

So, I didn't get up and get ready. I didn't jump in the shower and fret about what I was going to wear. I didn't look at my clock a million times afraid I might be late, and when the alarm I set last night went off, I didn't freak out thinking about the lack of minutes I had left in my schedule. I didn't jump in my car and regret that I didn't have smokes, that I'd given it up and I didn't have to convince myself that my life would be better without them...the whole drive. I didn't yell (in my head) at the drivers who were going 10mph under the speed limit, because it was lightly raining, and I didn't flip off the person that I thereafter cut off and sped ahead of.

Instead, I rested myself again for a couple hours, played on Facebook, brushed and flossed my teeth in order to keep my mouth as clean (therefore healable) as possible. I called a friend I'd been wanting to connect with for months, and happened to catch him in the perfect moment for the perfect amount of time. I received feedback in our lovely conversation that assisted me in being clear on where I've been and where I can move forward to, and some friendly advice and sharing of troubles and triumphs. I caught myself up on my guilty pleasures -- my two favorite blogs (Shannon's Blogspot and Break The Illusion) -- and heard how to guide myself to loving myself more purely. I've been listening to some of the best music on the planet! :)

Wow...weird...I just felt my spirit catch up to my body. It was like it was launched from a slingshot back into my body. Six-ish months ago it got stuck in some molasses and it finally melted free.

Speaking of melting, over the weekend, I spoke to an old friend again and it was pretty cool. The way I do relationships (...for those of you who have not yet found this glaringly obvious based on my track record lol...) is that, as Jared Orvis so perfectly put it, I burn them down to the ground if they don't work for me. We hung out and, from my side, it seemed like we were both attracted to each other. I don't know the why's, the how's, the should's or any of that. None of that is important. But at the time, I thought it was. I spent all of my energy trying to figure out all the why's and how's I could, and tried unsuccessfully to implement my "findings" into a bunch of should's. Should I act this way? Should I not? Should he be doing something based on my actions? Shouldn't he love me already? Shouldn't he want to hang out with only me, because I'm so amazing??? And he is a slippery snake. (I'm not being condescending...he's literally a Snake in Chinese Zodiac...) He could see what I was doing, and what was coming, and he was able to navigate around all of the facets of me, keeping me running around, following him around this little maze he was guiding, all while he had his fun and I went crazy. Hmmmmmmmm...there we go...I discovered one facet he could not do better than me. Insanity. I learned that soon enough. And I implemented it even sooner.

Some of you MAAAAAAY have noticed I've been SLIGHTLY crazy and especially erratic over the past few months. I am starting to believe that once I burnt this relationship to the ground with my insane actions (in order to one-up him and feel like I could control the situation and myself), they became habit, and I confused myself into believing that those actions/tactics worked better than any other to get what I wanted out of my life...

So the other night at karaoke, I saw this man and...well, to preface, we've seen each other a bit around the town and I've always gotten supertense and felt superawkward and then I didn't see him as much anymore so I convinced myself that we were now running in opposite circles and wouldn't share space again. But then I saw him the other night at karaoke and I was really drawn to him. I did my best to be cool around him (we were "sharing" a friend that night at the bar, 'cause we had both individually invited the friend out that night to the same bar) and just focus on how much I love myself and respect him as a human being in order to do so, but we didn't talk. I knew he was uncomfortable a bit, because our energies so easily and naturally intertwine, and that he wanted to talk to me but he didn't know where I would be and he didn't want to open himself back up to The Crazy Bitch. HAHA! However, fate had a different way of dealing with things.

Out of nowhere, I rose an intense fever and my body was aching everywhere and I chose to stand up all night because there were no chairs without butts already in them. Finally, however, it seemed to me like someone left the bar and I spotted an empty chair. Naturally I pounced on it, hoping my back would start to feel better and my body might be able to begin healing itself since it was no longer expending itself. As I finally reached within LITERALLY one step of the open chair, I looked up and saw that it was right next to the chair in which my old friend was sitting. Like...RIGHT next to him. Like, Great-Life-close. Like, you-can't-breathe-next-to-this-person-without-them-feeling-your-lungs-expanding-close. And I sat down. And I felt the wall of ice being constructed energetically so I couldn't get into his spirit.

Our mutual friend came over and chilled with both of us and so we naturally were involved in each other's conversations and jokes. And I don't remember what sparked the conversation, but I just owned up. We VERY briefly discussed with our mutual friend how we knew each other and I joked about how he'd seen all of me, even the crazy...and he (with gusto) affirmed that. And then I joked a bit more about how I was emotionally unstable when we were friends and how I was a huge contributing factor to the demise of our friendship, and he (with much more gusto each time.......) affirmed my statements. And I kept thinking "God damn it, stop being so happy to affirm these things!" Haha! And I reminded myself that even though my actions WERE shitty, I currently AM not a shitty person. Because of the time I spent learning from my old friend, I have since redeveloped the way I deliver results in my friendships and other relationships. I now choose to be more considerate and compassionate and listen and seek, while holding my own in what I stand for and who I am.

So I believe that all of the introspection that this day has truly truly GIVEN to me has been exactly what I needed to bring one minute chapter to a conclusion; honoring him and celebrating and healing myself.


Love,
Apollo

Rockin'

Rockin'


Rockin’ the hurt
What’s that now?
Rockin’ this life
And how?
Rockin’ this shit,
With nowhere to go
Down this paveme’t
Wreckin’ to my flow.

If you can see it, you can be it
You can do it, you’re here to prove it.
If you desire, you can take it higher,
Take it to the streets and move it.