BLOG, the Second

I realize now that the “Yearlong Bucket List” I posted (and then revised and re-posted later) was – in both incarnations – total hype. Wishful thinking. Additionally, I didn’t take advantage of some great opportunities I had because in those moments I was circumstantially driven rather than vision-driven. So I am now revising it and making it out of courage rather than hype. I am still learning, and this is a recurring lesson for me. I love that it is, by the way, because I know that my lack of vision-drivenness and detail-orientedness are two HUGE barricades to the life I want to live. Thank you, Ryan, for creating such clarity in your life that you are able to once more whittle this list down to a more correct form.

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)

1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French
3. Have completed my personal brand
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand.
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile.
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
9. Live a self-disciplined life.
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life.
11. Live healthily.
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred.
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
14. Read King James’ Bible.
15. Study Buddhism
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.”
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”].
18. Save money wisely.
19. Spend money wisely.
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me).
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month.
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa.


For those who are curious what I end up deciding to do with the other items that remained on the old list: they are saved in a Word document on my Desktop and will be revised/revisited at a later date (probably within the month), at which point I will separate them into goals for future years. Once I’ve finished that process, I will post the lists up here.

With Honesty,

Ryan!

Notice Me?

This is very funny and was inspiring to me. It is from Seth Godin's blog. I believe it and I hope that this is something my blog does (the "far better than being noticed" part...Lol.) To be honest, I think lately my blog has become more of just a noticing-type of blog rather than a "here, please learn from me" blog like it started out as. Please leave me feedback on how my blog achieves or doesn't achieve this, on a scale of 1-10, one being lowest. Thanks! :)



"Notice Me"

If the new web has a mantra, that's it.

So much time and effort is now put into finding followers, accumulating comments and generating controversy... all so that people will notice you. People say and do things that don't benefit them, just because they're hooked on attention.

Attention is fine, as long as you have a goal that is reached in exchange for all this effort.

Far better than being noticed:

* Trusted
* Engaged with
* Purchased from
* Discussed
* Echoed
* Teaching us
* Leading

BLOG

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Wow, it’s been a while! I haven’t been here. Ever since I returned from Iceland, I haven’t quite been here…I’m not exactly sure where I’ve been, but I know I haven’t been HERE. Tonight, I am back to here. But I’m new. I’m renewed. I’m climbing up, pushing the muck to the side, and loving my journey. No one else has the exact ladder I have and I love that. Mine is a bit wobbly, it’s very, very tall, it is scary as hell, and it has a LOT of soda pop at the top of it (Mug, Pepsi, Coke and orange soda to be specific). None of this will make sense to any of you in the way that it does to me. And I find joy in that. I like the thought that I can have my own private thoughts that no one can truly access but me. ☺ I am powerful. And it’s kind of scary. But honestly, what isn’t scary to me? I like the fear. I don’t like when I stall myself because I am afraid, and tonight I see myself as Omnipotent. I am not a victim tonight, and that feels really good. “And when you’re sick, you seem to think you’ve failed eternally.” For those of my readers who feel that way, know that that lyric is true in my experience, but it’s not reality. Unless you want to make it YOUR reality. I don’t know why, but I do know that that sentiment was meant to be shared by me tonight. Maybe it’s just for me. Maybe it’s for if I ever forget that in my future and I get to have proof to myself that I know I can overcome everything I want to as long as I choose to want to. I am so grateful for my life. For life in general – the fact that I can breathe, and talk, and walk, and catch (albeit like a typical gay man), and scream, and sing, and love, and hug, and kiss, and cuddle, and listen, and plan, and empathize, and be free from the trapping tethers of judgment, and hear (different from listening), and see, and smile. And eat dried apple chips. These things are freaking delicious! Thanks, mom!


I am so intricate. I started out writing “complex.” And right now, I realize that that word connotes negativity in today’s world, so I chose to substitute it with intricate, which I feel is much more me, anyway. Heidi, I change your word to intricate.


We are all so intricate, aren’t we? Unique and beautiful. Please leave me a comment telling me how intricate, unique and beautiful you are. Just in case I’ve missed it. Thank you – very, very much.


Can You Feel Me Embracing You?


Ryan!

Thursday, September 17, 2009 6:16 PM – BLOG

I have two hours before dinner so I am going to eek in a quick blog for y’all. Ironically, it’s actually Day 9 today, haha!

So, the biggest news: I got to see seals! :D Gizzly took me, Ana, Elise, and Svenya kayaking yesterday morning, and we kayaked right up to a group of about 20 seals. I was smart and planned ahead (i.e., before I even left Iceland…) and purchased a waterproof one-use camera, so I got to take pictures, and everyone else had digital cameras that they didn’t wanna ruin, so they could only kayak around and look at them. Most of them were pretty camera-shy – every time I would lift up my camera to snap a picture, they would dive underwater, like they knew what I was about to do! But at the end as we were rowing back to shore, one came up on my side (only approx. 10 meters away!), and it was quite the little attention whore. I snapped one picture and then turned to row away, thinking I was lucky for being able to get that one and all of a sudden I hear a bit of a splash and looked around me back toward where it was and it was sitting there breathing heavily out of its nostrils and splashing around. So I lifted my camera to take another picture, but I paused because I didn’t want to waste any film, and I assumed it would just flip down underwater because now it was staring RIGHT at me (plus, the whole time I’d been out kayaking, I was scared to death that they’d be suspicious of us humans and purposely gang up on us and try and flip our kayaks, so I didn’t want to anger it with my excessive picture-taking, of course!). And it just kept staring at me, as if to say “Uhhhh, c’mon, take a great picture already, I don’t have all day here!” So I did take a picture. An awesome picture. Haha. Oh, by the way, I’ve learned that “awesome” in German is “gael,” and we have coined a term here at the workcamp – “supergael!!” Haha! We also say “Chin-chin!” every time we toast or “cheers” one another, but that is Japanese, and means something totally different…Haha!

Oh, and I didn’t end up going horseback riding yesterday. Haha. I don’t know what was up, but I was SOOOO freaking tired. I came back from kayaking and napped for a few hours, then I had lunch (leftovers of the famed potatoes and meatloaf from the last blog hehe) – and then I napped again! The girls who went kayaking with me made fun of my snoring sound…so I guess I officially snore then…sigh. Anyways, then the girls and I (and Koya) went to this really awkward “natural” hot pot that was completely full of algae (health benefits, maybe? Lol), and we jumped into the freezing fjord and then STRAIGHT back into the hot pot! Haha. It was very awkward, but very fun.

So, update on the work! We have made some good progress on the painting of the barn…we may actually get that done before we leave! And we will probably finish the stone path by the end of tomorrow! I am so excited, because that means I get two days of work other than this stone path that I have done for, like, a week or so straight now! If you were here doing it, you would know how exciting that news is, haha. Anyhow, I think I will go play some cards (maybe Solitaire ::frowny face::), and I will report to all you lovely blog buddies later. Love You!

Ryan!

Oh, P.S. -- I'm not sure if I've listed anywhere in these blogs all the people who were at the workcamp, so I will do that now:

• Elise, who is French and lives in Belgium
• Winnie (given name is Xiao-Lu), Taiwan
• Raphael, Austria
• Anna, Germany
• Svenja, Germany
• Me, USA :)
• Mauro, Italy ("Environmental Messenger"/Camp Leader B)
  
• Lukas, Slovakia (Camp Leader A)
  
• Matt, Turkish in ethnicity but was raised mostly in Canada and currently lives in London
• Koya, Japan
• Hosts -- Gisli (owner) and Stella (his mom/cook)

Also, don't worry, I will write more another day about my final times in Iceland and the journey back. :)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 1:28 PM – BLOG

Okay! So here I am in Iceland and it is Day…shit, I don’t even know, haha…I think it’s Day 9? And today is the first day I’ve had time to blog! Our days have been so full and busy, with almost no time for pause between waking and retiring.

Here’s the basic “programme” (how Europeans say “schedule”) for each day:

• Breakfast some time between 8 and 9 am
• Start working an hour after breakfast begins, until about 1 pm
• Lunch until 2 pm
• Start working again until around 5 or 5:30 pm.

o Sometimes we have a “coffee break” around 3ish. Because I don’t drink caffeine, this break is a nice excuse to sit. After sitting A LOT the last year while working at Great Life, I never thought I’d see the day that I actually wanted to sit. Now I CRAVE sitting. It’s nice to have a break from the rigorous work here.

Iceland has these natural phenomena called “hot pots.” They are basically like Mother Nature’s hot tubs – or like Utah’s hot springs. But the way they are formed and geothermically heated is via Iceland’s volcanoes. And there are 4 of them on the property at which we are staying, so usually every night after work at some point, we will go into these and just hang out. They are incredibly relaxing. I think there are nutrients in the water, brought from the volcanic material or something like that, so it really helps your muscles relax naturally. It’s quite the way to top off the night.

Our host’s name is Gizzly (I’m sure that is not how it is spelled, but because I don’t know how to spell it correctly, and even if I did, you probably wouldn’t know how to pronounce it correctly, I figured I’d just spell it phonetically and make it easier on both of us, haha!), and his mother’s name is Stella (much easier to spell correctly…). I think they’ve both lived in (rural) Iceland much too long. She’s a bit of crazy (from working WAY too much) and he’s incredibly contemplative and quiet. He has on his property his home, a hotel, a small home-cookin’ restaurant (literally home-cookin’; his mother cooks all our meals), a stable with approx. 10 horses and a whole campground area for those who wanna come stay on his property but not in the hotel (probably very similar to the concept of a hostel with its campground). He also has a very large barn, which has a greenhouse appended onto it. Outside the greenhouse are three of the hot pots, while inside is the remaining hot pot, as well as a regular-sized pool, Inside the barn is a very large (and very dirty/cluttered) storage area (like, to store tractors and other farm tools and vehicles).

So, anyway, I thought that I’d be out camping, roughing it in RIDICULOUS conditions, ya know…Like, I brought with me brasil nuts (even thought I didn’t like them) and almonds, and all my protein shake powder and quite a bit of Propel Fitness powder and even a huge tin can of dried apples that I had in my house in case of, like, what is that called…what LDS people save up for. I don’t even know why I have it, haha! My mom just gave it to me and told me to keep it for my “food storage” and I kept it because I like dried apples and I knew it’d appease her. But I guess it’s supposed to be my supply for the Apocalypse or something. Anyhow, I even brought those. Haha!

Anyway, we get here to this guy’s property and it’s like a hotel in the middle of nowhere. I mean, it’s not some ritzy hotel, mind you, but it’s kind of bed-n-breakfast-style. It’s quaint, and it’s simple, and it’s cozy, and best of all: IT’S WARM! Like, as in, they have heaters for basically each room that I can control myself. I can change the temperature any time I want. I love it. It’s seriously luxurious this temperature issue.

In case you haven’t heard, it’s pretty cold in Iceland. This past week, it’s fluctuated between 5-12 degrees Celsius. Ah! Yea! I just remembered I have a converter on my laptop! As I’m sure you’re all well aware, America is dumb and is the ONLY country that uses miles, inches, Fahrenheit, feet, pounds, gallons, etc. etc. So I have been slowly learning the metric system this week! All the other people here are European or Asian, so they all talk about things in kilos and milliliters and meters and centimeters and Celsius, so I have gotten to not only “master” (lol) converting dollars into Pounds Sterling…and Euros…AND Kronurs, but also “master” (lol) the metric system to be able to keep up with them all. So anyway, that was a tangent…I went and calculated in my converter and that means the temperature here has been fluctuating between approximately 40 and 55 degrees Fahrenheit – and that is during the daytime. So I am VERY appreciative that we are housed inside and have the ability to heat ourselves. We keep a “diary” each night with just quick snippets of what the day was like, and ours is written in the same book as the previous workcamps’ this year, so we’ve been able to read what their camps were like, and the one right before us didn’t have a shower OR electricity! So yes, I am VERY appreciative.

The work we are doing:

• Building a stone path from the campground’s bathrooms to the river in the middle of the campground area – approximately 100 meters long.
• Painting the whole outside of his barn.
• Cleaning and tidying the storage area inside his barn.
• Cleaning the algae out of the hot pots.
• Drilling a hole in one of the rocks by one of the outside hot pots so that he can put a pipe through it.
• Cleaning up the bathrooms that belong to the campground.
• Removing these HUGE weeds and then feeding them to the horses.
• Removing a barbed wired fence around part of his property (which according to the team that did it actually ended up being a lot more difficult than it originally seemed).
• Pulling the weeds around the 3 outside hotpots.
• Planting some flowers inside the greenhouse.
• SPECIAL NOTE FOR HEIDI HAAS: NOOOOO, we did NOT pick up ANY poop, specifically that belonging to a bird!! Hahahaha!
• I think that is all…

We have not yet finished painting the whole barn, and honestly, probably won’t before we leave, by the looks of it. We made a surprising amount of progress cleaning the storage area out. You could barely even walk around beforehand (it was seriously worse than my room has EVER been!), and now there are multiple, easily accessible and navigable paths throughout the barn, and everything in there looks really nicely tidy! Also, we are still working on the stone path (since Day One! It’s fuckin’ crazy how long this is taking us!) and we will probably finish that on the last day we are here working. Everything else is already completed! Which means that once we finish painting the outside of the barn (if we choose to continue that project), then we will have all 8 of us working on the stone path project and we will make much faster progress. This is my team, so this makes me very happy to think about! Haha. When we started it, we had only 4 men on it, and we made an average of like 7-9 meters per day, and today we gained two women and we have already doubled our speed to about 15-18 meters or so in one day, so once we have even more of us, we will be done in no time! Yes!

We worked Tuesday-Thursday and then had Friday and Saturday off. We then worked again on Sunday until tonight, and will have tomorrow off, then we will work Thursday-Saturday, have a day off on Sunday, work Monday, and then head out on Tuesday. On our days off, we do any sort of random things. For instance, our first day off, we just lazed around all day (which was great – it felt like I was back home! Haha), playing cards, getting to know one another and hot potting the night away. Tomorrow, half of us will go out driving a few hours to Isafjordur (pronounced ees-uh-fyor-derr) to shop and…well, whatever else there is to do there…it’s a “city” of 3,000, so who knows what there is there Lol. The other half of us will get up early to go kayaking! (Based on the exclamation point, maybe you will have learned that I am in that awesome group) That will only take a couple of hours, so when we return I will either nap or go horseback riding. Our camp leader, Lukas, implied that kayaking tires you out, so he chuckled when I said I’d be going horseback riding afterward. But we’ll see…either way, I know I’ll be going at some point tomorrow, haha. And then on the next day off (either Sunday or Monday), the half that went kayaking will go out to Isafjordur.

So I have been working out amazingly via all this work, right? I’m lovin’ it, and actually, it’s gotten me into thinking about how I’d like to check out the construction industry for a future job or career…more on that later, though…and I don’t know how much fat I’ve lost (I say fat instead of weight because I believe my numerical weight has risen because of the muscle I am adding to my body), but I do know that I have noticed a difference in the size of my face, which I am very happy about. And then the worst thing ever happened today. I lie, ‘cause it was actually the best thing (regarding meals, at least), but regarding my weight, it was the worst, lol. Anyway, the occurrence was: Stella cooked meatloaf and potatoes tonight! It was great, we had an American meal!!! A little preface here for your understanding at why I am so happy…we have had fish for basically every meal since we have arrived. I mean, it’s good fish…it’s fresh fish…it’s great and all, BUT…after, 20 meals of fish, you start to want to shoot the harpoon through your OWN head, not the fish’s. Haha! Oh – and the only type of fish I have ever had before was sushi, which doesn’t really count as fish, if you ask me (which is why I’ll eat it with zeal), and I only have sushi approx. once every month or few…So anyway, tonight’s meal was AMAZING and I ran up to my room and got my ketchup and ran back down to the dining room and drenched my food in it and dug in and got all sorts of giddy and shit! Ah, it was so great! Especially ‘cause I was getting very homesick this afternoon. It was literally the absolutely most perfect timing.

Now…you’re wondering why I have ketchup with me in Iceland, right?…I don’t quite know why you’re wondering this…it’s not at all out of the ordinary…but if you must know…For our “International Evening,” which we will have as probably the last night that we are here, we were told to bring stuff from our country, like movies, games, music, foods, recipes, etc. etc. This is somewhere where I got tied up, ‘cause America TRULY has nothing of its own, save country music (oh, God…), but especially regarding food, so I was STUCK! STUCK I TELL YOU!!! Haha. But finally, I had a stroke of brrrrilliance! I’ll take with me green jello and ketchup and mayonnaise and with the ketchup and mayo, I will make fry sauce! Genius, yes, I know. Give me accolades when I get home. Haha! (God, I love how funny I am!)

Oh! One last thing. There is actually cell phone service here. How crazy, eh? We are in Heydalur, a small valley area, right close to a fjord and in the middle of a few large-ridged “mountains” (I put mountains in quotes because they are not mountains to us Utahans. At best they are medium-sized hills, but here I think they are considered mountains…). Anyhow, we are living in a valley, pretty and all (and there are blueberry bushes EVERYWHERE on the mountains), and guess where the cell phone service is. Yup. At the VERY top of the “mountain.” Which is a good…mmm, maybe two-hour hike. Yeah, so needless to say, I have not been on my cell phone much! We went fishing one afternoon, and the lake was on top of the mountain, and so I thought ahead and brought my phone with me and was able to call my mom for about ten minutes which was nice. She hadn’t heard from me since I had landed in Reykjavik (pronounced reh-kya-veek) and I think she was getting a bit worried…

Anyhow, I think I will probably go now. A few more things I’d like to say, but this is getting INCREDIBLY long, and I might just remember to include those things in the next blog I write.

Until Next Time,

Love, Peace, Happiness and Equality,

Ryan!

[HA! I just found out it is actually only Day 7!]

Reykjavik Syndrome -- or, more the opposite...

I am here in Reykjavik, and I feel totally alone. It sucks...Not being here, but feeling this. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I am here and have taken this little excursion..I just feel alone. It seems everyone here wants to get to know each other..until it comes to me...like, even my roommates are just like "Eh, hi." and that's where the friendliness stops. :(

I have learned that the next time I go do something like this, I will arrive at least two days ahead of time. I need a full day to recoup after the travel (Alex was totally right!). They have some pretty cool day tour stuff around here, and some decent stuff to check out in the city, too, but I have neither the energy nor time to check it all out like I'd like to. Which has partially led to my down-ness.

I can't wait 'til I get started at the workcamp. I think that experience will be quite different than this one. Or at least let's hope, because there will only be 8 of us, presumably pretty much alone with one another the whole time, so I hope connection-wise it's not a repeat of my roommates today, haha! Hopefully they'll be wowed by my green Jello and fry sauce...haha. Oh! Guess what I found out today....yes, they do have McDonalds and whatnot here (yea for familiar food!) but the menu is all in Icelandic, so ordering is made into difficult guesswork anyhow! Lol. I went to the mall and I was tired and famished after buying an emergency phone, and was like "Ahh, I'll just hit the McDonald's real quick for something familiar and safe and comfortable" and then I get up to the counter and the guy barely speaks English anyway, and I'm just like "Well, here's the gist of what I want, but I can't read your menu, so please just give me the closest thing you have..." Lol.

I've never felt like the "new kid" before, and I definitely do here. I've always thought it was simply a made-up belief and therefore behavior, and I still think it is to an extent, but I definitely have learned compassion for all the "new kids" out there...I will retain what I've learned to be able to relate to my kids later if they are ever the "new kid" in school or whatever...The thing about hostel culture is everyone stays here for a few days or weeks, and they all get to know each other, and then when say, a timid, tired, ornery American pops in for a day, it's like "Eh, who is he?" and there's no time to build any relationships. So I totally get it on my end.

Anyhow, I look forward to the workcamp starting tomorrow...I know I will feel hella rewarded as I do some hard labor all day for the next couple of weeks, and bond with the new people there. We all will be "new kids" there, so we'll all feel for one another, haha.

In the meantime, there is an incredibly hot Brit across the room from me with his semi-cute friend and I wish the other creepier European kid in front of him would talk a lot more quietly so that I can hear more of his beautiful British accent....lol. MMMMM

Until Next Time (And None Of Us Truly Know When That Will Be Haha!),

Ryan!


Oh, P.S. -- I've been notified by a friend that she has been posting comments and apparently I've been deleting them, but I haven't received comments on my blogs for probably, like, the last 5 or so, on my side, so if this is the case with you as well, just know it's something technical going on, I guess...

Icelandia! (Well, that's actually a deceptive title...it ended up being more about Alex...Lol)

I think Iceland should rename itself to Icelandia just for the hell of it. We all know it's much more fun to scream ICELANDIA!!! than it is to say "Oh, yeah, I'm in.....sigh...Iceland...what a boring name, I know, right?..."
Haha ;P

Anyhow, I am here! And I am queer! Get used to it! haha ;P I am all sorts of fun and weird today...it must be the altitude...or jet lag...or whatever else I can blame it on in jest. Lol! Oh, man...ANNNYhow, I think it is actually that I am crushing on someone and SIMULTANEOUSLY having one of the most stretching experiences of my life to date by traveling to La Europa alone!! GYAHHHH!!

Ah! My mom just pointed something out to me--> It's probably actually the lack of sleep, haha...THERE we go...

ANYHOW, I am doing pretty fucking well, if you can't tell....just like a bell...though I smell....like hell...wow, I'm just pretty much ridiculous. Sorry if you came here to read this blog hoping it might be something deep and insightful and, well, worth your time haha!

So, yeah, crushing on this amazing guy named Alex. He is SIX FEET SEVEN!! I LOVE IT! As I was on the plane from SLC to Boston, he texted me that he hopes I have a good trip and all that sweet stuff, and I wasn't expecting anything, like, at all, because we just met the day before I left, and I thought we'd said the goodbyes we were going to say, like, the night before. And I am SO ecstatic that he sent those texts yesterday...I mean, it's just so sweet...that he thinks about me that much already :) You may not know this about me, but I LOVE being the benefactor of large amounts of attention (when it's ingratiating...lol).

Just by being, he is teaching me so much about myself and how I normally do relationships, and how to be a better person, and how to treat people differently and better and with more compassion. And how to treat myself better and with more compassion, too. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he's increddddibly sexy....like, from 0-60...we'll just put it that way...HAHA!

And then, like, we have SO much in common, it's great...like, more than I've ever had in common with anyone else. It's actually almost creepy. It's like he has sat in my head for the last 6 years and studied everything about me, and then recorded all my thoughts or answers or ideas in his own voice and then played them out of his mouth randomly as we got to know each other the other night. And he's a total Cockerspaniel-type personality, which I love, 'cause he's also an Aries, so he's got that firey Lion personality, too, and he has those two great traits in just the perfect amount of ration....I seriously can't think of anything "wrong" with him..well, actually, I just remembered, he had bad B.O. when we went out dancing. Lol. That's his one detracting quality. I think I can put up with that......At least I'll try to..
;P





Oh! P.S. since you're all probably wondering, I am in Iceland, I am safe, and I am having fun with myself! (Not like that, Cary....I know you'll go there...lol)
Oh, and there are TONS of hot men. There were in the Boston-Logan airport, too...I think that something needs to be done to Utah gay men...they need a Boston/Icelandic makeover..Haha. MMMMMMM.
Wow, even that quick update turned into an update about the sexiness of the men around me..sheesh! Well, I guess that's a good thing, eh? It means I'm attracting such an abundance of sexy men in my life that I can't think of anything else.
Or else it means I'm a horndog right now.
Hmmmmm.....To be or not to be?....
LOL

My Heart Is Generous! Thank YOU!!!

Life is so beautiful. It is full, it is sincere, it is generous and loving, it is grateful and humble, it is pure and I absolutely love it.

First, and most happily, I went on a date last night! It was not a regular dinner and a movie type date, and I am very happy about that. The guy is fabulous; all night he was talking sweet to me and complimenting me and making sure I was happy and feelin' good and he totally swept me away :) I am SO grateful to the Universe for giving me this opportunity. I am absolutely smitten :)

And, of course, the Universe is simultaneously offering me the opportunity to see how patient I truly can be. Being patient is not my highest virtue, lol, especially when it comes to being attracted to people. So, cool that I get the chance to stretch that part of me.

I say this because, for those who don't yet know, I am flying out to Iceland at 9:30 tomorrow morning!! :D I am SO freaking excited for this..I'm wonderin' how it will be, and am a little bit antsy and anxious because it's COMPLETELY something I've never experienced before! I bought 4 disposable cameras so I can take 108 pictures total! I can't wait to share my experience with all of you...I'm hoping I'll be able to access internet after the day's work, or possibly on our "off days" so that I can update my blog, but I doubt I will be able to...it seems like we will be pretty rurally located :)

Oh! That reminds me! I get, like, 50+ updates on Facebook per day, and it takes like, an hour or so a day for me to check my friends' Facebook status updates, so if you expect me to see anything that you put on my Facebook page, please make sure to send me a FB email as well, letting me know about whatever you posted, 'cause when I get back, I'll probably have about 1,000 updates (and I will NOT be going through that many, haha), and it would take me, like, 20 hours to get through all the updates. So yeah, just an FYI :)

I love you all, very very very much, and I appreciate the role you play in my life, and the support you give me.

(Also, a quick special shout-out to Melisa Pehrson for that AWESOME travel bag you bought me! and to Kara Grotepas for hooking me up with Alex's info so we could meet each other. He is so perfect..I absolutely LOVE YOU! oh, and to Cary Robarge, 'cause he's just absolutely amazing. I can't even express how much I care about you and am grateful for your love. I just don't get how that is possible! I love you.)

P.S. -- Kara, I still don't know how to officially pronounce your last name, so if you could let me know, that would be so awesome :D

Too Tired To Be Witty!?!

I want to work in marketing. I am a genius, and I am creative, and I love telling people what to do, especially when it comes to spending money. So naturally I belong in marketing, right? :)

Earlier, I texted my great friend Marcello and told him I wanted to work with him and asked if he had anything I could do. I am still waiting to hear from him... He is a marketing guru and is also in line with an event planning type of company, so it would be perfect for me to work with him and secure connections in those two industries.

God, I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed now. I get to start listening to my body. And right now it says "Gooooo tooooo sleeeeeeep, Ryan!!!" so I will. I will type more tomorrow since I have NOTHING to do all day tomorrow :)

With Love,

Ryan!

Take It Bitch, TAKE IT!!!!

Ohhhh, haha, I just love my Monkey side... :D

The title alludes to my short post today: I am learning to take my own (and others') advice, instead of living my life only giving it out. I can't remember what it's called, but there's a new movie coming out on the 9th with Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston, and it looks like it will be the hetero version of my life lately, and I just can't wait to see it. The commercial for it awakened me to my life. Am I just waiting around hoping that the breakthroughs I assist others in seeing will just rub off on me someday? My answer is yes. I can be sad about that -- in fact, I was for a couple days -- or I can simply notice it and move on. I deserve better than to beat myself up over something so simple as noticing something about myself. So, my new choice is to take on my life. Make goals and accomplish them, and rack up a lot of positive evidence in my favor to show myself that I CAN do what I want to do, and that I AM worthy of everything I put my mind toward.

First up: Working my ass off between tomorrow and and September 5th, 2009 to pay for my Iceland trip, as I am leaving on the 6th! My goal is to earn $1500 and I am incredibly open to earning much more than that.

Thank you to all of you readers for your love, devotion and generosity. You are not only people who enjoy reading my blog, but you are all dear friends. In only one month, I have grown to 9 followers (AKA devoted readers) and have an average of 40 readers per day, as compared to the 3 per day I had when I first started out! I am awed by that, and totally grateful for it.

In Love and Gratitude for Your Gifts,

Ryan!

I'm Not Perfect (Dammit), and I'm Learning...

Wow....reading through my blogs the past little bit, I've become aware of how much of a victim I've been lately. Why didn't someone snap me out of it?? Lol. The more enlightening question for my life is "Why didn't I snap myself out of it??" I'll be taking a look at that as I go through my day today...

This is random. It's one of my favorite lyrics ever (it's by Shakira, in case you were wondering): "They believe you now have everything you wanted, and once you have become a star, you've got no right to bitch. But someday when you fail, they'll put you on sale and buy you by the inch."

What I'm noticing right now:
I want to filter my emotions. I wrote my last post when I was on a total high, and I read through it right now, and even though it is celebrating the glory that is me and 6 other loved ones, I read it and squirm a little bit. I'm afraid that I've let out my fullest emotions for some people, that I've been as vulnerable as I can be to them in that moment, and that I made a fool of myself, or that they don't love me back as much, or that I am awkward or something of that nature...And I realize that without letting them know the depth to which I love them, without handily slapping on a "Great Life term" to it (as an easily- and subconsciously-applied mask), I will never learn the depths to which they love me -- be that deeply or shallowly. I am learning right now that, in moments when I am not high off of deep, honest, loving connection, I would rather connect with others shallowly and dispassionately than be vulnerable to them and be able to learn where I stand with another. I would in this way, rather avoid learning about myself and my relationships (which could only make my life more fulfilling) than risk. Hmm. Interesting lesson...

It's the same way with money...I'd rather......even right now I am telling myself to talk about something else than to go to the depth I was headed for...NO, brain...I gotta do this...just shut up for a second...ok, turning off...
I'd rather be shallow with regard to my relationship with money than go to the depths needed to create peace, love and stability in my relationship with money...for fear of discovering the most horrible truth about myself...like I don't love myself enough, maybe? That was the first thing that came to my mind, and the reason I say maybe is because I truly feel like I love myself now...interesting.. "now" -- so the deep truth may be that I used to not love myself to make money for myself, and I am simply carrying that piece of baggage around with me in the depths of my consciousness. And that is what is creating my lack of financial stability. I can say I want money and stability all I want, but my actions produce the results, and based on results, I am not committed to stability. And freedom. Funny, in that my creation statement is that through my pure power and passion, I bring forth beauty and light, creating love, joy and FREEDOM. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I LOVE circular a-ha moments!!!! I took a look at my creation statement (hereafter referred to as "CS"), and realized that I found it humorous that I included passion in there, 'cause that is something I've never felt like I've really had before, but when I created my CS (this is version 2.0), I just said whatever words came out of my mouth, and that is what it happened to be. I see how I've created myself to be hella powerful, some beauty, tons of light, love and joy, and right now I am working on passion. And then I see freedom, which is not only ironic in this moment, but also I have a horoscope regarding this... I got it at the beginning of the year, and it has so far proven true in, like, every action I've had the opportunity to take this year.
The horoscope goes as follows:

When I predict that liberation will be one of your primary tasks in 2009, Virgo, I'm not speaking about it in the usual way. The definition I'm working with is one that the writer David Foster Wallace articulated: "The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day." I hope you'll be moved to add other nuances and flourishes to that approach as you experiment with it liberally in the coming months.

I will take this learning and apply it. Passion, freedom, stability, success and peace are all interdependent. I cannot neglect one for the other, or neglect any of them and believe that any of the others will come along without it. It's like, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Because it was following its higher self.

In Peace, Love, Joy and Gratitude,

Ryan!

Excavation

So, I wrote this blog at the end of last month or the beginning of this month, and I saved it in a Word document, so I could post it the next day, and then forgot to post it! I just found it yesterday, so here it is...

Blog Buddies,

I had one of the purest, most beautiful nights I’ve ever had Saturday after Service. I got to do a trust fall into the loving arms of 6 of my best friends (as if I can even qualify ANYONE as a “best” friend since I have so many amazing people in my life). I can honestly say I was fully caught by the group, AND it was also not how it was “supposed” to look. Lol. And I am 200% grateful for that, because I learned how much these people truly and purely love me. One friend was even willing to drop himself to the floor and shove his body underneath me, with specific focus to my head, just to protect me from harm, letting me squish and hurt him. Wow. What a gentle, loving, humble, caring, protective friend. I deserve relationships in my life like the one I have with him. The irony is I’ve known him for only a few weeks and he loves me that much, whereas I have friends who I’ve known for 5 years who have just gotten comfortable and lazy. This weekend I have gotten much clearer on the truth that lies within my relationships, and the potential for the relationships I already have. I too have been lazy (and selfish) in my relationships. I cannot say that any of my friends have been lazy without also acknowledging it in myself, because relationships are a two-way street. My loved ones respond to how I interact with them. If I was constantly “tipping the scales” for them in the relationship, they just naturally WOULDN’T settle for being a lazy friend. Period. So I have some work to take on in my relationships. At this point I am speechlessly grateful for the “Relationship Renewal” worksheet that The Great Life Foundation provides as part of its coursework. It gives me a great springboard off of which to launch.

A quick shout out to volunteer staffing at The Great Life! Within the past two months, I have staffed a Founders Training, two Part Twos, am coaching a Part Three and am about to take on a Part One this week. And it has been the most forward moving choice I have made in a long time! I have been awakened to new pieces of my character and personality and am doing a great job at piecing myself back together. Since I began my training two years ago, I’ve felt like I had amnesia regarding the real me…and even partly that I never even created a real me… From such a young age I was always trying to please everyone, to create a peace bubble in my life. I was abused, and after the age of 7, I always felt completely neglected. I was the youngest, the baby, and I always felt left behind, especially compared to my middle sister. I never felt like I could do anything good enough, that I would never be loved enough, that I would never be able to prove to everyone that I was okay, and that they should love me. I never realized I needed to prove to MYSELF that I was okay and that I am capable of love and being loved – even moreso, not to prove, but even just to simply trust that about myself.

I’m hungry…I’m gonna go cook some leftovers, and I’ll be back to blogging in about twenty…

I totally forgot I was blogging! Haha. It’s probably about 2 hours later now…lol.

Anyhow, I love myself now, and I am consciously taking actions toward self-fulfillment, and to continue to show myself how much I love myself, and it feels nice. And it is all due to having done the courses at Great Life. The reason I give a shout out to staffing there is because I have been doing it so much lately and loving myself so much lately and my life is just completely working. I am aligning with the Universe regarding things I need for Get Smashed! I am finding and keeping close, loving, generous, caring, passionate, honest relationships. I am feeling peace. I am creating the life I want. I am doing everything I want: I am starting a new job (finally!), going to Iceland to serve as a volunteer, really seeing progress with Get Smashed!, and serving very freely at Great Life, creating this beautiful human experience for myself. The joy and love is so abundant! Thank you, Universe. Thank you, loved ones who support me and fully care for me and my well-being. Thank you, Mom. THANK YOU, Great Life.

Oh, and a most heartfelt thank you to “The Academy.” ;)

Also, if you like musically interesting, stylistically challenging, poetic music sung by a man who has quite possibly the most talented vocal power in all of musical history, check out the band Incubus. I am constantly in awe of what this band can do artistically, not only with their musical arrangements, but also what the lead singer, Brandon Boyd, can do with his voice.

I will post again later tonight, and then again tomorrow morning, and that will probably be all from me this week, as I am staffing Awakenings at The Great Life Foundation this Wednesday-Saturday. NOTE: If you haven’t yet taken this training (or hell, even if you have), I encourage you to do so THIS WEEK, as it is priced at the lowest it will probably ever be: $99. Normal seminars charge that much for one-day events, and this is 4 days and is NOTHING like a “normal seminar” – it is much more powerful. It’s like going to a “Buy One, Get Six Free” sale. Of course you’re going to go and snatch up a deal like that.

Finally, I’d like to create a new agreement with you, my lovely Blog Buddies: to post at least once a week. That is something I can safely accomplish and keep my word around.

Until Tonight,

Ryan!

Peace out, Loves.

The Sun Came Out Today

Which was nice. I was grumpy all day at work and didn't know how to get over it. It for sure didn't help my sales at work, which for sure didn't at all help out my attitude today...

And then straight after work, I met with one of the trainees I am coaching and got to assist her in getting through where she was at to the greatness she wanted on the other side. It was very inspiring, and, basically, we were both in the same energetic place. I didn't think I'd be very helpful, because I was so not grounded, and so not clear, and I just connected with her and loved her and I learned SO much from her... I'm so proud of those who choose to connect with me and teach me and assist me in believing in myself and furthering my life.

With Love and Gratitude to the Guidance of God,

Ryan!

Credit United, Possibilities Unlimited!

K, not even gonna lie, I only put that title because it was a REALLY good (albeit maybe cheesy?) tag line. Haha.

Anyhow, right now I work at a company called Credit United. I've worked for similar companies before, and haven't done very well at them, and to be honest I am feeling the same way about this one. I want to do really well at it, and I am working the best I can at it...notating my results, receiving feedback, checking my results against my feedback and changing course accordingly. I've got 7 sales today, which, according to my manager (Jason Unruh), is decent, but I'm totally not happy about it because my only other co-worker has obtained, like, 13 today! And I was kicking her ass yesterday (but not even that well...)...sigh..it's very disconcerting to me. I feel like I am connecting with everyone I am speaking with, except for those people who are TOTAL douchebags, and my lack of connection is only because of them, ya know?...7 in an 8-hour shift is PITIFUL. Granted, I've had A LOT of voicemails today, whereas yesterday I had more direct-connects, but still..it's just frustrating...I guess I gotta just take it one day at a time.

Eh, but here's another predicament: I am raising money for my Iceland trip and for school, and for rent while I'm gone in Iceland, and I need $5,080 total. So, to accomplish that, I need to refer 8 people an hour -- and I thought that would be doable when I was first hired...but now I'm not even getting 8 people in a DAY. I mean, if I keep going the way I'm going, not only will I not have a job, but even if for some reason I do, I'd still be working full-time to only be making 640 bucks a month -- before taxes! That's hella not worth it...

How the fuck can I make $5,080 before September 7th??? I feel blind, I feel trapped, I'm hella frustrated, and I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, which is very scary. I will see it for, like, maybe 3 seconds and then it'll quickly go away and I can't get it back. I feel so lost.

I feel like my goal is so pure. All I want is to create enough money to go back to school to become a better me, and to love myself more, and I wanna create money to SERVE OTHER PEOPLE over in Iceland...so why am I not attracting the money toward myself? And I truly feel like I deserve it, too, which is new, and awesome! But nothing...nothing is happening, nothing is changing as quickly as it needs to be for everything to be lined up. I am in this fucked up place where I feel, for the most part, like I am this awesome creator, and then when I look into my bank account, it's like, Hey, nope, you're totally not! Ha! And I'm just like "Fine, fuck you then..."

I am hating this. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and I wish I knew how to get out. Can someone please assist me?

In Vulnerable Desperation,

Ryan!

Revised "Bucket List" For The Year

I have decided to change or delete some things on my list. For instance, I used to have on here that I wanted to go to Taiwan before Sara left there...but then she left there about two weeks later. Lol.
Also, I staffed a Part Three First Weekend and realized that some of the things might have been a bit hype-y...for instance, I have 7 different vacations on the list. While I do definitely WANT to go on them all, I probably won't realistically start going on them until the New Year, which means I'd have to go on a vacation more than once a month to complete them in time. And I'd want to be on each vacation for about two weeks each...While I have no problem with this personally, I just got hired at Credit Unlimited, and I'm not too sure how much my boss would appreciate that...So, while I will be working as hard as I can to make as much money as possible, as quickly as possible, so hopefully I can take off enough time each month...I still want to make it potentially achievable, so I am adjusting it a little bit.
Also, for purposes of updating my fanbase ;P I will put asterisks next to those items I have either completed or made progress toward.

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)

1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French *
3. Learn Chinese *
4. Learn Korean
5. Learn Russian
6. Learn Arabic *
7. Learn Portuguese
8. Open Get Smashed! *
9. Have Get Smashed! be a premier date spot in Utah
10. Have Get Smashed! be a profitable and reputable mental health avenue in Utah.


13. Take a vacation to Italy
14. Take a vacation to London

16. Have Get Smashed! make revenue of $50,000+ per day
17. Have completed my personal brand *
18. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand. *

20. Learn and commit to memory basic HTML
21. Learn basic typing/computer skills until I feel I know enough
22. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile. *
23. Own a MacBook Air and a regular MacBook Pro.

25. Meditate every morning and every night.
26. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
27. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
28. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
29. Live a self-disciplined life. *
30. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life. *
31. Live healthily. *
32. At least quarterly, throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about
(for happy reasons) long after they happened. *
33. Know as much as possible of ballet.
34. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
35. Fully understand human anatomy.
36. Read Book of Mormon, King James’ Bible, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine & Covenants. *
37. Read the Koran *
38. Study Hinduism *
39. Study Buddhism *
40. Read the Jewish holy scripture *
41. Read the standard Catholic holy scripture

43. Quarterly, write thank you letters to the Orvises for the impact they’ve had on me. *
44. Spend money wisely.
45. Save money wisely.
46. Know money.
47. Have a beautiful, tranquil, generous living space.
48. Take $30,000 home to my personal bank account every month.
49. Be able to play piano, guitar and drums very well.
50. Read one book per month. *
51. Have an immaculately defined muscular body.
52. Have removed all the hair on my back and shoulders.
53. Go to Gili Meno in Bali for two weeks and live in introspective silence.



Deleted items:
15. Take a vacation to Taiwan before Sara leaves it.
12. Take an all-inclusive trip to either Atlantis or Sandals Resort in the Caribbean
11. Go to Belize on vacation
19. Have a modeling career.
24. Go to a challenging, distinguished university –
deservedly en route to earning my degree to become U.S. Secretary of State. *
42. Go on an African safari with Will, Jackie, Mom, Nicole, Kris, Court and my significant other.

We'll see how this goes!.....

My Body Is Killing Me

As I sit here, I think about that phrase....

Here is the current physical condition of my body:
I've suddenyl developed allergies, out of nowhere....(WTF?..)
I'm possibly fevering
I have had a congested nose for about a week
I have had a runny nose for about a week
I've got a scratchy throat
I can barely move my back and spine where it's connected to my pelvis
My lower right bicep hurts any time that I raise it above my head too far
My neck is tighter than it has ever been, specifically on the right side
And my back is also annoyingly tight...

I sit here and think "My body is killlllliiiing meeeeee"
And then I think, "Well, yeah, that's true."
And then I ask myself, "K wait, what, Ryan??" Lol.
My body is outside of my actual self. It is always aging, always diseasing or not, always deteriorating, and my soul is inside, doing its thing. I wanna say it is always getting stronger and stronger. And I wonder at the paradox of this. Why is it that as our souls get stronger, our body gets weaker? Why can't we have it all? For me to evolve spiritually, I must deteriorate this body?
Ooh, interesting tangent: I just read my Facebook horoscope and it said: "There may be a health or emotional problem you have to deal with, and while that may be something of a challenge, it could turn out to be more than worth the effort." Crazy!

Anyway, back to the conversation.
I see hope in the deterioration of my body, in that I love to evolve, and I love to feel like I'm headed forward...but then again, I don't want to depart from this world. As I don't know what is next for us -- for me -- I don't want to just die at some point and not be around all these amazing people I have connected with throughout my life. Hmm...

Something that is frustrating me lately:
I feel like I'm evolving, and I'm being this amazing person, and I'm doing all these things that align with this amazing me, and yet my financial life does not reflect that. I have been teaching myself how to be financially successful, and I am not seeing any successes...in fact, I am seeing the exact opposite. I have never been poorer, I have never wanted to do so much and not been able to because of my financial state...and it totally sucks. But I am, in the meantime, doing everything I can to continue on and looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

So as I sit here, I wonder: Why can't I have it all? I hear others doing so. I learn at Great Life that it's possible, and I trust it. And then it doesn't happen, and I get a bit confused...I get a bit distraught...and I get a bit more hopeless...and I just keep pushing on, doing what I can to have it all. But I am not feeling it. What needs to happen for it to finally click? When will I have it all? Be it all...

The Blog Will Come Out Tomorrow, Tomorrow

This is how I've been feeling lately...like, I should postpone anything and everything. I have slacked on my commitment to blog. I just haven't been available. Physically and emotionally.

I stopped blogging last Wednesday because I staffed The Brilliance Within at The Great Life Foundation and I was too exhausted to even do anything but plop myself pathetically down into bed each night (for those who don't know, the volunteer hours are about 18 hours straight for four days). I was partially okay with that. Then, hell struck me emotionally. I had had maybe a half day to recover from staffing, and my three closest relationships crumbled from underneath me, completely out of the blue. I had no one to rely on, to rest on, or to even cry to, other than to my own pillow, which has caught its fair share of my tears already. It was all I could do to function. I stopped eating, I stopped working out, I stopped talking to almost everyone. I stored up my anger, waiting for the perfect timing to explode on the 3 relationships for betraying me so fiercely for absolutely no (or stupid) reasons.

I walked into to Part Two Post Training feeling like shit. I did NOT want to be there, I was incredibly out of alignment, I wanted to tell everyone Fuck you! and walk out of the room. I didn't even want to dance. Let's get something straight: I AM a dancer. Dancing is the definition of me, in EVERY aspect. When I don't want to dance, it is the next step to suicide. Now, I'm not saying I was ABOUT to kill myself, or even thinking about it...don't worry... I simply illustrate the point that it's as low as I can be within myself before expiration from this world.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a surprisingly new resolve on life. I decided that yes, it hurt to lose those three relationships, but if they feel like they are better off in life without me, then it is my opportunity to either: prove my worth to myself and create new friends who care strongly about me and will support me, or else really fight for someone else and humble myself before my ego and pride. I am powerful. I did both.

I humbled myself before one of them last night and created a new history with myself regarding my pride. It was pretty nice to listen to someone else without agenda. I knew only one thing: I didn't know anything. I didn't know how our conversation would turn out, I wasn't even quite sure how I wanted it to turn out! I just knew that I got to be there to listen to someone else express their opinion, be compassionate, forgive myself for what they saw and felt, and let them know how I felt. It was clean, pure, and emotional, and in the end, we forged a new path for our relationship, which is now stronger and more loving.

Now to take on the next two.......Haha!

Thank you -- for reading, listening, and being there in your own unique way.

I am busy this weekend, so I am not quite sure when my next blog post will be, to be completely honest...I have a lot to update about, though, so I am very excited to post again!

'Til Then,

Ryan!

Emotions suck

In many different ways...

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.

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Evidence

Dear Blog Buddies,

I have officially applied for school! I am going to SLCC for a bit until I can lift my grades. In 2004, I graduated high school and jumped right into my dream university, Westminster College. I was excited, scared, hesitant, and so proud of myself that I got in to the one that had been my dream school since I was seven. So I attended until January of 2006 – one and a half years. What happened?

I got there, and I met some very fake people, and some people who were only there for personal gain, and those were the ones who were being rewarded, and were being elevated and praised. Now, I know that college is for oneself, however I think it is important to have a respectful element of community there, and I did not find that.

After the first semester, I was disgusted at how easy the curriculum was. I’m a highly intelligent man, and I have a low amount of patience for stupidity, and I felt the campus was just filled with stupidity. Most of the students were just rich-bitches. I don’t say that condescendingly; that’s what everyone on the campus called them to classify those who were there via talent and those who were there via money. It was like a really bad version of high school, but MUCH pricier, rather than a higher learning institution.

And once again, my judgments created my demise. Because of all those beliefs, I started subconsciously sabotaging myself and by January of 2006 my grades were like hell. My GPA had sunk to, like, 2.95, I think? So I was put on academic probation, which simply meant that if I didn’t bring my GPA back up to 3.0+ the next semester, then I would lose my scholarship. However, I misinterpreted the meaning (probably not on accident), and thought it meant that I would have to pay for next semester’s tuition – $20,000 – by myself. I immediately jumped at the fear and high-tailed it out of there! I’ve spent the last three and a half years now, fearing going back. Numerous people have pushed me, and asked me “Why the hell aren’t you in school??” or “So when the hell are you going back to college???” (Notice: my friends apparently love the word “hell”…)

I’ve recently woken up fully. I’ve realized I had been wasting so much time in my life, and I have consequently been doing what I can to make up for lost time and get my life in full gear. My passion and zeal have awakened and it’s time for me to get shit done! ☺ So I think it was great timing when I was Skyping with my dearest friend, Sara Faulkner, and she simply said “Hey! I’m going to SLCC this fall, sign up and go to school with me!!” Normally, I would be like “Well, how much is it?” (Money is always my biggest backdoor) and “Well, I don’t know if I’ll have enough time to create the money” and “Oh, shit, well the application deadline is at the end of this week, and I have too much other stuff to do, there’s no way I have the time to get everything I need together…” (Time is also a “fun” backdoor for me to entertain) and “Oh, it will all just be so overwhelming!” But this time I just chose to operate from a different vein.

Before any responses came out of my…well, fingers (remember we were Skyping)…my hands led me to the web site for Salt Lake Community College and while we were chatting, I submitted my application. I proved my beliefs wrong right then. I had the time, because I acted on it right then. I hit the deadline (ahead of time), because I acted on it right then. And feeling that about myself feels SO good. I feel like a true man, ‘cause I’m out creating all the time! ☺

So tonight I VERY briefly looked through their online course catalog to figure out the range of classes I can take (wow, quite a lot more than I thought!) and about how many credit hours I’ll be aiming for, and consequently, how much money I get to save up ☺

But there’s quite a bit of work behind the scenes to make all the magic work. I get to obtain a copy of my transcripts from Westminster and fax them over to SLCC; I get to take placement tests; I get to meet with an Academic Advisor; I get to carefully choose all my classes; I get to attend a 90-minute orientation, which I am TOTALLY not looking forward to, haha; and a few other steps that aren’t coming to mind right now. Oh yeah, AND, by September 9, I get to create the money to actually attend, which looks like it will be about $1500 plus cost of books. So, probably about two grand all said and done. Oh! That just reminded me…Classes begin Aug. 26 (the day before my birthday) and I will be in Iceland from September 8-22, so before I head out of the country, I get to get all of my assignments done from my classes…’cause Lord knows I won’t be doin’ homework while I’m having a great time serving nature in another country! Haha. Wow...I’ve got a lot of considerations to handle…

Anyhow, I decided I would go to SLCC to get my grades up higher. My collegiate plan is to complete my Bachelor’s in Foreign Policy/Affairs at Georgetown and then go to Oxford for my Master’s. And I don’t yet know how to achieve that, but I know I will, because I have the determination to do so.

So what is it that you want to do? And what is standing in your way? Is it money, time, beliefs, self-worth? What EXACTLY is in your way? Only by ascertaining the minutiae can one know the key to their results. Comment here on this topic and take this forward to achieve that which you TRULY want in life.

Full of Love and Charity,

Ryan!

Business as Usual

I have A LOT to do this weekend! Holy crap, it's intimidating. Therefore, I MIGHT not be blogging Friday and Sunday, and I 99% likely will not be blogging on Saturday. Now, I'm not posting this update to run you off, by any means, just so you won't be disappointed if you come and there's not a new post :)

Like I said, I have so much to do this weekend. I just began my first business, Get Smashed! (feel free to check it out here: Get Smashed! page), and there is a lot to still complete to get it into the wheels of success that the Universe is aligning me with! Additionally, this Saturday morning and afternoon, my friend Raina is having a $5 car wash to raise money so she can enroll in the Part Two: Brilliance Within training at The Great Life Foundation. As her angel, I will be there assisting her. She's also letting me bring branded shirts for the Washers to wear, and car window press-ons to give away to promote Get Smashed! To complete all of this, I've made a clear list to keep myself on track (and to remember everything! Haha).

Here is my to-do list:
1. Find buckets and rags to borrow or have, for the car wash
2. Call Dezaree Nielsen to receive information about the press-ons
3. Get 10 plain yellow T-shirts and Iron-On Printer Sheets
4. Get 10 pieces of posterboard, Sharpies, and small wooden posts to create signage
5. Find spaces in which to "Smash"
6. Ascertain breakable items
7. Get gloves and broom(s) for clean up
8. Create business cards and coupons and print them out
9. Call Melanie Muranaka and Jentri Harding to see about hiring them.

If any of my fabulous readers can assist me in any way, I'd love to hear how. Feel free to e-mail get.smashed.biz@gmail.com or call 801-913-2216 if you can.

Anyhow, I get to complete all this before 8 a.m. this Saturday! And, of course, I can't sacrifice my personal life for all of this. So on top of all that craziness above, I am living a full-fledged social life this weekend. I am doing more than I've ever done in one weekend alone...it's crazy...

Friday, I'm creating the Washer's T-shirts around 6pm and then at 10pm, I'm heading out to go to Lumpy's with my friend Sara Boulter. Then on Saturday morning, I'll be at the car wash at 9am in Spanish Fork until 10:30, at which point I will leave to go to my friend's book club meeting at 11 in Draper. We are discussing "On the Road," by Jack Kerouac. Oh shoot, that reminds me...I have to read the whole book tonight! Lol. Then, after the book club meeting, I will be returning to the car wash. At some point in the afternoon, I will then be attending a Pig Roast that my friend has planned, after which I will head to Green Street for my friend Heidi Haas's birthday party at 9pm. After about an hour or so there, I will be heading out to go camping with two of my friends, Lisa and Will, and we'll be staying overnight until Sunday morning/afternoon. I will return by 2pm on Sunday, when my BBQ/Pool Party Bash will begin, which will last until 4am (or whenever the last person leaves). Now, add in time for meditation, exercise, blogging and the few random errands that are on my backburner, and OH YEAH, sleep! Haha, I ACTUALLY forgot that I will have to sleep at some point.....WOW. Yeah, I've got a littttttttle more than a full plate here, haha. It's exciting! I TOTALLY feel like a creator (finally)! I guess this is what business as usual feels like. :)

So, yeah, that is my update for y'all. If you want to or see anywhere you can assist, let me know. I am a Virgo, so I am all about volunteerism, haha. Come Monday, we will be returning to our "Your Personal Brand" series, so make sure you are prepared for the next blog in that great series.

Until Our Next Meeting,

Ryan!

Celebration

My little blog is growing!! I began this blog on July 2nd, and over the course of exactly one fortnight, I have seen it blossom magnificently. Initially, I had no comments, and thereby could only suppose, no readers. Now I have 4 FOLLOWERS (a.k.a. invested readers), as well as who knows how many other readers. The four who follow my blog come as a complete shock to me based on the feedback I have gotten elsewhere in my life. I have received multiple comments on Facebook and in "real life" (if there is such a thing anymore...) about how people are touched or moved by my blog posts, or they'll simply mention something about one of my posts randomly, and they are not people I would have thought would read it. It's great to see all of you loved ones coming out of the woodwork. :)

So, that's it, Simple & Sweet, if I can borrow those words :)

I am grateful to each and every person who stops by my blog and takes time out of their day to feel mine. I love you, and thank you.

In Deep, Humble Gratitude,

Ryan!

P.S. -- I officially launched my dream business Get Smashed! today, and it feels amazing and liberating!!! I look forward to many many smashing appointments and repeat service. Maybe you will be one of those clients?? Click this link and see if you like the business concept.
Get Smashed! info

These Thoughtless Words are Breaking Us Apart

Why???
WHY???
Why the fuck do we judge people?? What is so important about us that we choose to judge other people?? Right and left, we do it. Life is so much more precious than the words we put to it. I just read a friend's blog....and to be honest, I don't know if I should even call her a friend. Our relationship emerged as mentor/student, grew to acquaintances, evolved to loved ones (but not too close), and suddenly spiraled down to frenemies. We built the demise of our friendship on a bridge burnt by judgments.

I read posts on her blog, and I was tearing up. The preciousness of life she presented was The Absolute Truth. I noticed every single judgment I had of her. I felt every single judgment she'd had of me. And it hurt SO bad. I don't know all the judgments she holds against me, I only know the ones I hold against her, but it hurt. Probably worse because of that. Because I don't know her judgments yet I CONTINUE to throw mine at her. I can't believe I have been content to perform that role for so long! Way to be a stereotype, Ry: the petty, judgmental queer. Tomorrow I will call her, and find out when I can meet with her and hug her and offer up my sorrow and humble myself before her, creating clarity between us and a new beginning.

Being judged hurts. Bottom line. So why -- seriously, now, WHY -- would we ever rationally choose to judge one another? Please assist me in stopping judgment. I will do my part; please do your part. Judgment hurts, it keeps us FAR separated, and only aids us in concocting falsehood in the rest of our lives. Thank you for your assistance, loved ones.

With Sorrow, Humility and Grace,

Ryan.

You Are Going to Die Within the Year

Everyone says they have a bucket list, but most of us probably won't get started on it until we're 58, have had a sever mid-life crisis and have decided we want something new with our life. Well, luckily for me, I had my mid-life crisis early :)

I have created a 53-item to-do list, but I've given myself a challenge. Looking at my list, most people might choose to do all these before they die. But I want to really experience life, so I decided to give myself a one-year timeline to accomplish all of the items. Why? Because then when I've accomplished all of these items, I will have SOO much life left to accomplish and experience SOO much more. Why do we limit ourselves? Why, when we can soar like eagles, do we settle for flying like a seagull? This is where your list from yesterday comes in.

Whip out your 3 things that you wrote down that you have wanted to accomplish for some time. Why have you been stopping yourself from accomplishing them? What, in your perception, stands in your way? All our beliefs, fears, truths and perspectives are 100% valid, because WE, as the beautiful human being we are, chose to create them. Now just because they are valid does not mean that they cannot be proven wrong, or turned on their head. For instance, when I started my list, I wrote down that I wanted to learn Arabic. The only way I knew how to do that is to either learn it in college or to go to an Arabic country and live there for a while and pick it up that way. Both of which require money to happen, right?That was my belief about learning Arabic. Same goes with Chinese.....Then, lo and behold, about two days later, my friend asks me to catsit, and I come across Mandarin Chinese and Farsi (Persian) on his computer. It's just sitting there waiting for me to transfer it to my computer. For free. No money to stop me. Crazy, right? The Universe was just sitting there waiting -- just WAITING -- to turn my beliefs on their head.

I am very inspired by my friend Jana, whose blog you can find at http://firemama29.blogspot.com/ if you are interested in reading it... In her second blog, she talks about how she is going through this scary time right now, because she is radically shifting her life, and the lives of those around her, by looking at where her life is at and adjusting it to where she wants it to be. It is so beautifully vulnerable, honest and full of love..it inspires me to continue to shift my life to where I want it to be. The key is: you can make as many fancy lists or blogs or WHATEVER that you want to, but without following it through with action, it is simply an exercise in you writing down how stuck you/your life is.

So here is MY one-year bucket list! The upload graphics thing wouldn't work for me for some reason, so I just copied and pasted....so it should be really clear to see this time (compared my earlier blog Your Personal Brand)! Haha.
For the record, I have taken action on or completed numbers: 3, 6, 17, 18, 22, 24, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 39, 40, 43, 46, 47, & 50. And it's only been three weeks since I created this list, and, realistically, only two or two and a half weeks since I took action on my list. So that's proof that we can all make great, easy progress in our lives if I can do that much in such a short amount of time, Haha!

TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)
1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French
3. Learn Chinese
4. Learn Korean
5. Learn Russian
6. Learn Arabic
7. Learn Portuguese
8. Open Get Smashed!
9. Have Get Smashed! be a premier date spot in Utah
10. Have Get Smashed! be a profitable and reputable mental health avenue in Utah.
11. Go to Belize on vacation
12. Take an all-inclusive trip to either Atlantis or Sandals Resort in the Caribbean
13. Take a vacation to Italy
14. Take a vacation to London
15. Take a vacation to Taiwan before Sara leaves it.
16. Have Get Smashed! make revenue of $50,000+ per day
17. Have completed my personal brand
18. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand.
19. Have a modeling career.
20. Learn and commit to memory basic HTML
21. Learn basic typing/computer skills until I feel I know enough
22. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile.
23. Own a MacBook Air and a regular MacBook Pro.
24. Go to a challenging, distinguished university –
deservedly en route to earning my degree to become U.S. Secretary of State.
25. Meditate every morning and every night.
26. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
27. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
28. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
29. Live a self-disciplined life.
30. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life.
31. Live healthily.
32. At least quarterly, throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about
(for happy reasons) long after they happened.
33. Know as much as possible of ballet.
34. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
35. Fully understand human anatomy.
36. Read Book of Mormon, King James’ Bible, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine & Covenants.
37. Read the Koran
38. Study Hinduism
39. Study Buddhism
40. Read the Jewish holy scripture
41. Read the standard Catholic holy scripture
42. Go on an African safari with Will, Jackie, Mom, Nicole, Kris, Court and my significant other.
43. Quarterly, write thank you letters to the Orvises for the impact they’ve had on me.
44. Spend money wisely.
45. Save money wisely.
46. Know money.
47. Have a beautiful, tranquil, generous living space.
48. Take $30,000 home to my personal bank account every month.
49. Be able to play piano, guitar and drums very well.
50. Read one book per month.
51. Have an immaculately defined muscular body.
52. Have removed all the hair on my back and shoulders.
53. Go to Gili Meno in Bali for two weeks and live in introspective silence.

Now, some of you may be thinking, "Oh, this is a pretty good idea...but I won't really ever do it."
WHY???? You could be dead within a year. You will never know when you will die, and you will die one day and there you will be. Dead. And what will you have done in your life to create happiness, joy, peace..your true self? what will you have shown the world, concerning your life? Michael Jackson died suddenly. Everyone around him was surprised because they thought, for the most part, he was fit as a fiddle. And then BOOM, one day he has a heart attack. (If you're keen, you will have noticed my list was created the day he died.) Will you waste your life, or will you Create your life? Will you kill your time? Or will will you live your time?

I look forward to your responses, immediately and a year from now. What will you be for yourself within the next year?

With Love and Gratitude,

Ryan!

Shindigginess, beeotches!

Hey, Blog Buddies,

I am heading off for a party that I am late to because I forgot its date, so I will post when I get home tonight...which will be....well, who knows when. That's why I'm posting a quick note now letting you know. My blog for today may not be posted until "tomorrow" though it will be posted before I go to sleep tonight!

Looking Forward,

Ryan!

I need a neurosurgeon!

So I've been learning how to speak Farsi the last couple of days, and I don't know how to spell it yet, so that's kind of.........retarded haha, but anyway, I have been learning to speak it, and I keep running into a problem. The program is called Pimsleur, and it is the best program in the world apparently for learning a language. My brother Will has it on his laptop (admittedly illegally downloaded -- but I didn't do it, so oh well! haha) so one day I was over catsitting and I transferred it (as well as his program for learning Mandarin) from his laptop over to mine and have been listening to it randomly and pretty sprasely, actually. And I already know some phrases and words! For instance, I know how to say "It's 3:00" and a few other times and stuff, and it feels great!

Anyhow, the problem is this. It'll say, like, "How do you say The kitchen is green?" and I'll open my mouth and out comes "La cocina es verde." K, wait, slow down a second....It's teaching me Spanish too?? Wow, this is a wonderful program! Hahaha, no just kidding, I already know Spanish (and French). Haha, I seriously loved that joke...I'm still laughing at myself! Lol. AAAANYways, so it'll ask me to say something I was supposed to have learned in Farsi, and I'll say it in Spanish, or I'll say it in French. And I'm just like "Shit, no, I need to learn FARSI, Brain! Come on, keep up here!" So, the point of this story is that I need a neurosurgeon as a best friend, so that they can compartmentalize my brain for me so that French only comes out when I am in France or Quebec....and Spanish ONLY comes out when I am in Mexico or Honduras (or Spain...or Belize...or...eh, you know the drill lol) and Farsi comes out when I am learnin' it! Haha.

So I am loving my journey as a human lately, and I am especially grateful that I have this blog to remind me of all the things I am grateful for. Sometimes I will go through my day, even after I have had a great, inspiring day or experience, and I'll get caught up in the drama of a moment and carry that with me instead throughout the day. So reflecting on my journey, and on my gifts, ambition and love for self as I learn this new language and add this new spoke to my life, it is really fun and it feels really nice to accomplish something, especially something that I've wanted to accomplish for a while!

So what is it in your life that you've been wanting to accomplish forever? Or even for a month? Or even for the last 2 days?? Think of at least three things and make a list of them. Tomorrow's blog will go further with this concept, so be ready! :)

Until Tomorrow,

Ryan!

Founders is the most influential LGAT I've ever encountered

Is it technically cheesing out on a committment if I snuck in and started the last blog at the last minute before the day ended, though I didn't finish it until the clock had past the strike of midnight? I vote no so I can have peace of mind. That's a win/win: you get a lovely new blog and I get peace of mind. Me likey :)
(In perfect truth, I started it before midnight on Saturday so the published time stamp would be then, but then I slept for TWELVE HOURS, haha, and am now actually starting to type it all at 4:12 pm on Sunday....and I probablhy won't finish it til like, 7 pm-ish tonight...)

So I have quite a bit to blog about today. I staffed the final day of Founders and wow, was it spectacular. I'm upset I choose not to go into details, in order to save the sacredness for those who have not yet experienced it, but I can say that I did something I have not done in....god, I don't even know how many years...maybe six? I prayed. In front of 40 other people. And I did something I have never done before. I prayed with a full, contrite, grateful heart. It truly was one of the top experiences of my life, that moment. And I thank Jayson Orvis, Brett Harward, Jocelyn Harward, Randy Blosil and, mostly, Walter Allred for bringing me that experience.

I never knew I could feel so intimately entwined with any form of deity. I never knew that I could feel as a deity myself. I never believed I could feel so secure surrounded by my closest loved ones. I never thought that I would be thankful for some of the things that came to me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have noticed the things I am most grateful for, and really come to terms with my life in the most powerful, clearest way possible.

I was bawling throughout the prayer, swearing a couple times, too (haha) -- it was the sheerest moment of my perfection. And I am SO, unrepayably (if that is a word...if not, it is now) grateful and indebted to Walt, Randy and Jocelyn. I am upset that this blog could never -- nor could mere mortal expression -- highlight, let alone fully express, either the gratitude I feel toward them, or the peace and love I feel for myself and for the spiritual part of me, that beautiful essence of me with which I have so long feared connection. Neither could I ever humanly express what I experienced. It was the breakthrough of breakthroughs for me in this moment of my life. It was like connecting with everyone in the entire world simultaneously in the same moment and bringing that home to myself, and feeling every piece of the depths of it in my heart. It was like glimpsing at whatever it is that makes up the oneness of us all and saying "I love you" and having that love silently, humbly returned to me. It was forgiveness and peace and clarity. It was generosity and love and humility. It was complete oneness. It was grace. And yes, it was definitely How God Enrolls. It was the deepest moment I have ever experienced in my life, and I am grateful that it was first and foremost with myself, as well as with my dearest buddies.

Thank you to all of those who share this blog with me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion and care. Thank you for your depth, your trust, your willingness, and your peaceful grace.

Now it is your turn:
What is the deepest moment you have ever experienced? How do you feel about spirituality, and what is the path you have taken to come to that conclusion?

I IMMENSELY look forward to reading your comments.

With Love, Peace and Grace,

Ryan!

Squeaking it in...

Okay, blog buddies, it is currently 11:32 pm, and I haven't yet written a blog for the day....I got online to hurry and check Facebook and to make sure I kept my commitment to post daily (except Sundays of course...), and I ended up spending an hour of my hour and a half on Facebook (and I'm technically not even finished playing on it...), so I thought "Wow, Ryan, laaaaame" and then I thought "So you should probably get your ass over to your blog about now and post something!!" So here I am! Voila! :)

So I will keep this short and sweet and hopefully have more time to blog tomorrow so we can move on to some really cool concepts...
Well, not that tonight's blog isn't a really cool concept...in fact, it may be even cooler than tomorrow's blog, to be honest.

So I was staffing Founders tonight, and I decided to take a risk...(AHH!! SCARY!!)
I've been planning a business called Get Smashed! for a couple months now, and I've stalled right there in the planning process (like usual...), and it is my dream business, so I'm sick of getting in my own way -- I want to get it off the ground NOW. SO, I walk outside of The Great Life Foundation building and ask a couple whom I love, trust and know care about me, if they would invest in it so I can get it up and running.

Before I told them my idea, the husband said, "Well, I rarely invest in outside businesses anymore, and if I do, it's only ever in an industry I know, 'cause I've gotten burned through the years by investing in industries I didn't know anything about." This totally makes sense, so I completely honor him for it, and think "Shit, my idea is something most people have never heard of, let alone spent years involving themselves in...I'm probably screwed..." and then he asks "So what's your business idea?" and, totally caught off-guard, I tell him all about it, in a REALLY great presentation, for having none of my financial or presentation materials with me! His interest is piqued and I can tell he enjoys the idea. And he says "Well, you know, you could easily get that up and running with less than $1,000 without even having a building to rent or own or anything like that..." and I asked for more advice/feedback, 'cause I've been married to my idea for months now, so I don't immediately see that, and he and his wife provide some, and I am completely grateful. So I have that info to mull over, and in the meantime, I have a couple thousand dollars to raise in the next week or two.

I go inside Great Life, and I see two very beautiful, wise, loving souls: Jana Holm and Jess Anderson. So I skip over to Jess and take a hug from him and tell him "Thank you for this hug, I need it, I need to feel safe right now." And he asks what is up, and I tell him about the adventure outside, and he provides some love and feedback and I tell him "Yeah, butttttttt..." haha "Yeah, butttttt, I want to start NOW and if I have to start it smaller like the couple is suggesting, then it would take much longer and much more work!" and then we start "randomly" talking about the mirrors that are hanging in the back lobby over the couches. I say "randomly" because we didn't have a purpose for talking about them, but the Universe had a purpose for us talking about them.

For those that don't know or remember, there is one mirror hanging over each couch on both the north side and the south side of the back lobby. These mirrors have, like "doors" on them...shutters I guess, but the shutters are wire design, so even when they're closed, you can still see much of the mirror. I express how I hate it when people close them. I would always walk through the lobby when I worked at Great Life and open them if they were closed, and then I'd walk back through about 5 minutes later, and they'd be closed again! This would happen ALL the time, and I found it so frustrating because it totally disturbed the chi that was running throughout the building. And Great Life deserves to keep its chi flowing well because it is such an emotional space. And Jess says "You know, it doesn't surprise me at all that people close those mirrors. It is so much easier to look through a mirror that's partially closed than a fully open mirror."

WOW. Never was one phrase, so simple, and simultaneously so complex. It was beautiful....poetic, really. And it hits me like a 20-pound sack of flour, getting its white powder all over my face: The closed mirror is the easier way out. It is the path down which you could stroll and never see the full truth, and always be a version of happy. True joy, peace, love, prosperity, whatever it is you want, will only ever come from the path less travelled, that of the fully open mirror. I wanted so badly to take the easy path and only ever see part of the mirror part of the time, so that that way I could deal with it. I could deal with any failure, any feedback, any perceived setbacks if I only saw them one, or a few, at a time. But to have 16 failures punch me in the face all at once, well, dear God, that would be impossible to overcome. "I am NOT that powerful" is exactly what floated through my mind. I almost cried. Instead, I laughed at my ego. and I told it "You know what, Ego? You'll just have to do your best to prove yourself right, because I know you are wrong, and I will do my best to prove MYself right, and I will always beat you out. Truth will always beat lies, and that's all the ego is, is lies." And hot DAMN, I can't wait to see this explode. I will create it, I technically am creating it, even in my sleep, even in my subconscious, I can feel it creeping in right now...those genius ideas, those loving thoughts, those creative inspirations...they are creeping into my head right now to ferment while I sleep and explode when I awake in order to fulfill my drive to succeed. I can feel it, and I just can't get over it. And I LOVE that.

I don't want to stop writing yet, 'cause it is so exciting and fulfilling to write about it and remember the experience and remember how amazing I am, but it is about one minute until midnight, so it is time for me to post this. I will just have to go out and create MANY more experiences like this to revel in again and again and again.

With Love, Peace, Gratitude and Such Heartfelt Appreciation to You, My Reader,

Ryan!