Life In Cartoon Motion

Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain. I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
I am beautiful, in every single way.

To all your friends, you're delirious. So confused.
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness.
But you are beautiful. No matter what they say.
Words can't bring you down.
You are beautiful, in EVERY SINGLE way.

No matter what we do, no matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine.

--Christina Aguilera
From the song "Beautiful" from the album "Stripped"

Over the last few months, I have been tackling my lack of self-worth. I have been screaming at myself. Hating myself. Glaring at myself in the mirror for the ugliness I possessed. Wanting to punch the mirror and shatter all those words and judgments and beliefs into little pieces. And then hating myself for not doing so, and continuing to believe all the warring thoughts I had about myself.

I've blamed myself for breaking up my engagement. I've blamed myself for his alcoholism. I've hated myself for the actions I took during the course of our relationship, and our break-up. I've hated myself for the last 17 years, letting each unconscious year pile up the interest. I've told myself I'm "perfect," that I'm alright, that everyone loves me...so I don't have to. And it all finally came to a screeching halt when I walked through (and 3 days later, out of) the doors to The Great Life Foundation's Singles/Relationships training, without having any idea why.

I hated Great Life. I hated the trainer. I hated the fact that they were trying to resurrect this obvious failure of a training. Even though I loved them, I convinced myself that I hated everyone who was in the room with me, because they were about to learn all of my sin. I had no fucking clue why I had just paid this place my money. I had no idea why, given all of that hatred for where I was at in that moment, why I continued walking in through the doors. I kept saying to myself "Get out of here, what the fuck are you doing? You know you don't want to be here, and you have so many reasons to back it up." And then the sweet voice of my Spirit spoke up and said "Just don't listen to that right now, okay. Walk in, sit down, and do the training until you can't anymore. Then you will know you are done. At THAT point you will know it was too much for you, or was wrong for you. Just keep walking. Just keep walking." And I kept walking.

I was joined by my favorite people at Great Life, and some new people I'd never even met, which is very rare for me. You see, I worked at Great Life for a year from 2008-2009, and I was the only person working there who seemed to actually care about and get in touch with the graduates and work for their rights, be on their side of the game. So I became known there very quickly. So much so that people I don't see as often STILL ask me "So, you still work at Great Life?"....a year later...after only putting in a year there......Lol. As I saw all of my favorite people walk in the doors, and we all started dancing, I thought "Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to be vulnerable in front of all these people. I CANNOT do that. They know the inspiring me. They know the powerful me. They know the courageous me." And just as I started to get up the courage to stay in the room -- and even smile -- I turned around and in one MINUTE glance, I saw Daniel Lauro. "NOPE I am leaving RIGHT now!" screamed my brain, and I turned to leave the room, and right then the sweet voice yelled (so it could be louder than the music) "What are you doing? This is not the point for you to leave. It's just Daniel."
"But it's DANIEL FUCKING LAURO. I CANNOT be vulnerable and courageous and sweet and learn what I need to learn with the sexiest gay man around Great Life in this room. I CANnot do it!"
"Yes. It will be difficult. But deal. This is not the point at which you leave."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....
FINE!
FUCK!!!!
(Did I say that yet???)
So I continued in the class, and I lived in every horrible moment about myself, and I left once the class was over. THAT was the point at which I was to leave, that I'd been guiding myself to this whole time.

So perfectly did every moment come up in that class that reminded me of my self-loathing. And I took myself to the wall every time, reminding myself that this is what I deserved. I DESERVE to let go of my lack, and my bitterness, and my anger, and my pity, and my impurities. This class was the refiner's fire for me. And I am so grateful for it.

Now, this post isn't some pitch for the class. I mean, if you find value in the words I've shared, and you haven't taken this training, or any of the trainings at The Great Life Foundation, then cool. I suggest you check 'em out, simply 'cause I've learned SOOOOO much about myself and what works for me and my life from completing the trainings there, but this is in no way supposed to be an ad, lol. My experience in this class best describes in a shorter manner what I have been feeling my whole life, in order to highlight the growth I have gone through and am about to explain.

I feel beautiful. I really feel that word.
Beautiful.
I can claim it.
And I have been pushing down that feeling for well over a decade now. I cannot actually remember a time where I've felt beautiful -- but I do right now. And it has staying power. It is IN ME. It is my spirit. I am a beautiful young man. And no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. Whatever someone may say is THEIR reality, and they let that dictate their life, their behaviors, actions and beliefs. And I am over here in my reality, and I can choose to let it dictate my life, behaviors, actions and beliefs. But I am no longer choosing that, because it hurts, and I now am aware of how intensely beautiful I am. I don't NEED to prolong their message. I don't NEED to feel ugly, stupid, impotent, useless, manipulative, unworthy, or untrustworthy. Because I am none of those things. They are all just stories others have told about me that I have bought in to. And THEN I even enrolled OTHERS into believing those stories about me too! How crazy! LOL.

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad...
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, Gotta be mean, Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Now, getting angry doesn't solve anything
How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?

--Mika
From the song "Grace Kelly" from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"

So, yeah, I now see and know this, and just in case you were wondering as well:
I am beautiful.
I am intensely intelligent.
I am intuitive. My spirit is one of the most high-functioning I've ever experienced.
I am generous. I care SO much about the welfare of others, in my community, in my life, and in my heart.
I am loving, and I am nurturing. I love to love people. I love to feel love from people. I love to exchange our spirits and our beauty and our warmth in an engaging manner, leaving the experience with the realization that we are both divine spirits.
I am funny. Oh my GOD, have I learned this one, recently and quickly! I always knew I had a talent for wit -n- quip, but I never believed myself to be hilarious, and DAMN, girl, I AM! I am always making people around me explode in laughter, and if not, I am ALWAYS laughing with myself!
I am full of passion, bursting and brimming with excitement for myself, and for life, and for serving others the best way I can!
I bring joy, peace, clarity, stability and serenity into people's lives.
I am courageous. I do things that most other people will not, because they are afraid to and they let the fear stop them, whereas I am afraid to and I don't let the fear stop me. I push through it with my courage.
I am inspiring. I really felt this one this morning -- about an hour ago. I live my life uncommonly, and in that way I inspire others to SURVIVE their lives instead of to give up. I inspire others to LIVE their lives in the moment. I inspire others to be grateful for what they have, who they are, and what they have been able to achieve in their lives. I inspire others to look past what their beliefs are, and see what they could be. I inspire others to see the future and make it reality.

I love me. Finally. Right now. Count on it. I love me. A lot. I can't even get over saying it! Haha! I. Love. Me.

Who's with me?? :D

The Beat Of My Heart

I am feeling my heart tonight, and some of my soul, and it is a unique experience. I feel so charmed. I feel sexy and fun. I feel honest and vulnerable and honored. I feel inspired and awed and humbled. I feel red and magenta and dark pink, and I see those colors streaming into my heart at the speed of the Rail. I feel so connected, and so light while being so heavy, and beautiful and peaceful. I feel as deep as the Marianas Trench tonight. And all of these beautiful aspects of myself I am feeling because I am allowing myself to cautiously but benevolently connect with a man who I am so inspired by...someone who is, in my eyes, the most powerful man we will see in the coming decades.

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

--By Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the song "Music of the Night," from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack

Lately, I've just been incredibly shallowly attracted to men. Like, I wanted to fuck 'em, but in the end, I'd rather not even put forth the effort for them...but with him, it is crazy...I am practicing myself being true authentic Me, and I'm always succeeding. I feel beautiful around him.

I forgot how good it feels...I had closed myself off so hardcore before Alex (my ex-fiancee), and even more so after Alex. I couldn't feel true love. And now, having done Relationships training at Great Life, and having moved, and having begun claiming who I really TRULY am and want to be, I have really opened myself back up again...I've torn myself open, and it feels really cool to feel like this again!

[They] used to speak of an angel...
I used to dream he'd appear.
Now as I sing I can sense him
And I know he's here...

Here in this room, he calls me softly
Somewhere inside, hiding
Somehow I know he's always with me
He, the unseen genius

--By Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the song "Angel of Music," from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack

Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing my heart into yours, and yours into mine. I know how scary that can be, and, in fact, am experiencing that along with you. You are such a large piece of beauty in my life. I am blessed on a personal level to mingle in your energy. I am intensely grateful for you on a worldview level because I know you will bring about such immense change and progress to our nation and our world. I am excited to see the world welcome your beauty, grace, eloquence and generosity as honestly as I have.

Love, Peace and Kisses to everyone,

Apollo

On The Barbed Wire Fence

Right now, even, I'm afraid to start this post because of my pride. Haha!
Perfect.

So, how does pride get in my way?

Well, I'm known in a certain circle of friends as someone who is powerful. SO, when I really feel like I should reach out to someone for assistance -- down ANY avenue -- I don't because I am afraid of what they will think. I don't want them to view me as weak.

At work, I don't ever want help in growing, I want to do it all on my own, because I don't want someone to see me as weak there, for fear of jeopardizing my job security, so I hold in all my frustrations, take them home with me and analyze them here on my own, and then go back the next day and take on the job again, with a new, self-clarified vision. Part of that is that I don't want to look stupid for needing help, and the other part of it is that I don't want to look stupid by trying someone's suggestion and not doing it correctly. If they've mastered it such that they can teach it to me, and I cannot pick it up on the first (or heaven forbid, second) attempt, then I am an utter fool and will never learn, and their judgment of me in that moment will prohibit me from ever moving up, or growing professionally in my career. Either way, they are both self-limiting beliefs, and both stem from fear of looking stupid. Because stupidity = weakness. And weakness = uselessness. And uselessness = lack of connection. And lack of connection = death.

Pride endures until you ask it not to. So let's start easy. How does living in pride work against you? I'm not saying we all live in it all the time. But even the most enlightened of us live in it in moments. Moments stack up to become a lifetime. What are you AFRAID of (for pride is just an overcompensation for fear) so much that you'd rather live in arrogance? So much that you'd rather live a life that is harder for you?

They took your life
But they could not take your pride.
--U2
"Pride (In The Name Of Love)" from the album "The Unforgettable Fire"

Do you need to be the one who is seen as the provider? The one who is successful in her/his career? Do you need to be seen as the most pious? As the best at following rules? Do you need to be seen as the most offbeat? The most musically inclined, or artistically talented being?

What gets in your way? Please share with us.

Seeing in RED: Eyes Wiped Clean

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
--Nelson Mandela

How many of us are afraid of HIV/AIDS? Are you? Did you just contemplate closing your browser after reading that question? If so, I would wager that you are. If you kept it open, still inventory yourself. You may be afraid of it, but willing to learn more. That is what we need to do to relinquish any fear we have from the hold it loves to keep on us. We learn about it. We experience it. We live a life that includes it in some aspect of our being. Now, (obviously) I am not saying "Hey, let's all go out and get HIV, so we can have some compassion..." But how many of us are too scared of it to even include it somewhere in our lives?

I'm beginning by calling out myself.
I have been SO scared of even approaching the topic of HIV/AIDS ANYwhere in my life. I have judged those who have contracted HIV as whores, sluts, irresponsible men who have no idea how to take care of themselves, or have any compassion for anyone else, so why should I have compassion for them??? HOWEVER, what I see now is that I chose to live in that judgment because it was too scary, as an uneducated gay man, for me to be able to approach a positive individual and say "I love you." What an atrocity, for that would mean that I might be labeled as positive! I could never endure such judgment -- the very same judgment I was casting and expecting others to endure.

I continue by calling you out.
How much do you know about HIV? How much have you educated yourself? How often do you reach out to those who have HIV? How many excuses have you already thrown up in defense of yourself? Too often, we believe it is not OUR burden to bear. Well, TRUST, it is not a burden. It is a gift -- in my opinion -- to be able to see someone with such beautiful compassion and see them through eyes wiped clean.
How often do you pity someone you've learned has HIV? How often do you ask if someone is "clean" (implying that if they have HIV or AIDS, they are "dirty")? How often do those with HIV/AIDS keep it a secret? How ashamed are they that they have it? On the other hand, let's be accountable: How many times do we judge those who live with HIV, fostering an environment in which they feel ashamed to be who they really are?

These are the words of a friend who is gay, lives with HIV, and has lived in Salt Lake City:

"The Community in Salt Lake are the prime example of hypocrites. They want equality from a church, yet they don't accept people with HIV...the community is SO uninformed. I hated being known as someone created by a community and not for who I really am. So I dealt with the humiliation and segregation from those who I called my friends."

This is ONE person. I've spoken with another friend about HIV/AIDS -- a public force in our community -- and he feels similarly.

Tyler Helms, who created IMPACT Red, now writes a bi-weekly column in The Advocate, called "Living the Questions" about what it is like to do just that. This decade is the time of education -- positive members of society truly are living the questions such that the rest of us may choose to educate ourselves with the answers. This is enough for which to honor these positive heroes. Tyler writes:

"I was finding that society expected full disclosure, would hold you
accountable for any risk, but was virtually unprepared for the openness. But demanding honesty and integrity is hard to do in a society that encourages truth but would prefer not to know it. In a city....where you will be heckled for speaking out about a truth that impacts us all. It even gets the most vocal of us down.
"But those willing to embark on a relationship with someone positive seem rare. The majority of people I meet are more willing to donate than go on a date. Perhaps this is why so many keep their secret from those they love. In the days following my December 1 public disclosure, I received an unsettling number of notes from people who are positive but have told no one. I sadly understand why they don’t. The fear of being alone, being judged, or not finding love often makes disclosure too great a risk — a risk that still is prevalent in 2010. To think they keep this secret from loved ones, hookups, and in some cases long-term partners is shocking. It’s also dangerous to our society."

What do WE do to educate? About the facts, and about the emotion? What do we do to encourage debate, to instigate learning, to honor those who teach? What are we doing to further this epidemic? How are OUR choices impacting US as a whole? What is our perspective around those who live their days with HIV/AIDS? Would we -- really -- reach out to someone who becomes positive?

Because whether we are gay or straight, or positive or negative, the answers -- and the questions themselves -- involve us aligning as one bloc: loving, powerful, clear and COMMITTED.

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
'Cause you and me: competitive to the bone.
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured,
We are not all for one and one for all.
You and me have felt impotent in our skin,
You and me have taken it out on each other.
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come --
With how strong we've been!
You and me are on this pendulum together,
You and me, with scarcity still fueling,
You and me have made it harder for the other;
We forget how hard separatism has been.
You and me, we can help change their minds together (with)
You and me in alignment until the end.
--Alanis Morissette, from the song "Sister Blister"

The Flower and The Storm

Re-reading the post I wrote yesterday, I noticed a pattern. When I write here, I write about things I want to complain about, and I don't really offer to myself a solution, I simply complain. SOOOO many past events made sense to me when I realized that! I've had people tell me they think I think badly about myself (time and time again), and I haven't really understood why they'd think that...I've had people tell me I'm a total victim, and I'm incredibly not that, so it hasn't ever made sense....my readership has dwindled some, and I couldn't understand why, as I have been writing pieces lately that I feel are more active and dynamic. And then I read yesterdays' post, and things started to click.

I rarely feel like a victim when I get on here to write. Being vulnerable right now, I write here because I don't feel like I have people in my life who will listen to me bitch, whereas my blog will :) Everyone always wants to be inspired...they say they'd love to hear from me, and hear how things are going, and then the moment the conversation takes a turn into a place of vulnerable freedom for me -- when I start relating to them as a human, with flaws -- they no longer want to hear what it is I have to say. They don't want to have to deal with what I've got going on. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the truth of my reality...and from where I sit, I honor it as a valid choice...I know there are a lot of times in my life when I'm like "Hey, I've got a LOT going on in my own life right now, and as much as I would absolutely love to take time to console you, or listen to you, or show you that I care, I just don't feel like I have bandwidth for that right now unfortunately." And it doesn't mean I DON'T care about them, because I do. So I'm willing to concede when people don't have time for me. Which is one reason I blog all my woes on here. My blog ALWAYS has bandwidth for me. (I hope you guys enjoyed that technical pun :)

Anyhow, I see that people could see my complaining as being a victim, when I never propose a solution. This same sort of thing has always plagued me in relationships (meaning, my boyfriends/fiancee, not just "being IN relationship" with someone...) and communication in general...I do this thing where I talk to someone as if they know the other half of what is going on in my head. Lol. I unconsciously suppose that they know the narrative, the score, and the backstory of each character and situation. And then when they are lost during our conversation, I am wondering what the hell their problem is that they can't follow general conversation. And it only gets worse, usually, when it is conversation about heightened topics....lol. But I don't want to sit there and be like "Now, are you following me?..." or "Am I explaining this properly for you?...." after every paragraph (or less), treating them like they are kindergartners or something...Not only is it condescending, but it is also really inefficient. Lol.
Sooooo, how that relates is I never end up sharing the solution I decided on....I bitch about what's going on in life on my blog, because it is here to listen and then I craft a solution (usually) in my head based on what I shared and I internalize that solution and move on with it, and then recalibrate later on my blog. Mechanical, yes, I know...and that's not even, like, something I consciously came up with...it's just how my soul naturally works...lol.
Also, I know that I am a creator. I've gotten in my way A LOT regarding what I want to create, and actually believing in my ability to do so, but I KNOW I am a creator...not a victim. I'm still practicing how to create for my best.

I have felt bad about myself -- a lot -- in the past. And right now, I am figuring myself out...I am figuring out what is best for me, and in me, and what I like and want and need. So I can't tell you honestly right now where I stand on how I feel about myself, 'cause I have a lot of things going on in my head right now that I get to process :) OOOH look! Something SHINY!! ;D

And lastly, if any of these are reasons that you're readership (or, more unfortunately, friendship) has scaled back, I have a few requests for you.
First, please make your voice heard. Life is so much easier (for all of us) when we shout out to each other how to get out of our boxes rather than expect one another to have X-ray vision and see the directions that are posted on the outside of them. Plus, that is what the point of blogging is! Lol. To create a vocal culture, free to express everything we want, without anyone getting in our way (i.e., the FCC...). So please, vote with your voice. :)
Second, stay tuned...don't let me go the way of the LA Times just because I'm sounding like a victim...begin a dialogue with me to FULLY understand my perspective, and stay tuned for changes and evolution. :)

Love you all.

And, yes, I notice the irony in this blog that I'm "complaining" without proposing a solution (well, a solution for ME at least...). I don't feel the need to right now, so I'm not going to. :)

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo
:)

One-Two-Step

I get in my way, I step in front of myself in my path because I don't fully believe (yet) that I deserve to walk my path. That is only ever the impediment to my success. And I would wage that it is that simple for us all.

For instance, I went to the club the other day, met up with a friend, danced with him for a while and made out with him, and then afterward, I danced with and got to know his incredibly hot friend. At the end of the night, I was standing outside of the club with some friends, and I had two guys come up to me and hit on me and ask for my number and all that. Now, I'm not kidding you with this, this all happened, but the clincher of it all is that I chose to deny myself afterward instead of celebrate myself. I went looking HARDCORE for how I could prove that none of it ever happened. Seriously...'cause I wanted to prove to myself that no man that I find attractive, or of any quality, would actually be attracted to me.....and simply because that's what I've been used to telling myself over the last few years.

Second example: This weekend, I seriously considered moving back to Utah. I knew I didn't want to be in Utah, but I started second-guessing myself and stacking up an immense amount of negative thoughts against myself, and rationalized that going back to Utah was the mature thing to do, and that I could restart my life there, and be a big fish in a small pond instead of a small fish in a HUGE pond. Thankfully, Zeb Knudsen bitch-smacked me into realizing that I've been here, like a week or two or something (and I've been up in Utah or Vegas for like, 5 of those days even), and that I need to lighten up....I feel like a failure down here, as well I should, so I get that out of the way! :) And I feel rejuvenated after this weekend. I feel like I truly did get out of my way the "failure" concept and now I am ready to be a "creator" again (as GL terms it). I've known it was time for me to stop being victim to some shitty circumstances I had going on, and it took some tough-love from a friend to really push through it. So, Zeb, if you're reading this, thank you. You may not really know how much you impacted me in those approx ten minutes you took out of your day to chat with and care about me. Thank you.

"The search ends here where the night is totally clear, when you finally know that though you control where you go, you can't steer."
--Missy Higgins, from her song "Steer" on the album "On A Clear Night"

Funny By Request, Number One

I have never been funny by request. I'm just naturally a hoot! :)
But today I asked for topics to write about, and a friend requested I write something funny for her...so here goes! BTW, it also classifies as a judgmental rant......lol.

I love visiting a site called failbook.com. It is a branch of failblog.com, and it showcases the stupidest of the stupid on Facebook, in order for smart people like me to feel a little bit better about ourselves when we may be down. I LOVE IT. So, I'm surfing it today, and I see this person's status that says:
"OMG I need to go back to 7th grade geography. I didn't know which continent the equator passes through."

Okay, kinda understandable...I mean, this person could be in their 40s, long removed from geography lessons, having had their brain smashed into oblivions by society's unnecessary "need" to fill office positions....HOWEVER, I resent her friends trying to make her feel better about it! When you say "Don't feel bad, I forgot we even had an equator!" then NOOOO, that is not license for her to not feel bad, it is simply pointing out that you are even stupider. But she should still feel bad. Lol. Maybe instead say, "Wow, we are both pretty big morons, 'cause I totally forgot we even had an equator! Hey, let's go read an atlas for the next half hour together and educate ourselves!" Then, you're moving forward...but, really? You choose "Hey, I'm even stupider!! YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!" that is a clear sign that our world truly is moving toward the state described in "Wall-E" and "Idiocracy".
Dear god, please save us.

"Glitter In The Air," by Pink

"Glitter In The Air"

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

Jocks -n- Vaginas

Last night, I was stressed, so I went out for a walk on The Walk of Fame. For those of you who don't know what the Walk of Fame is, look it up I'm not your fucking dictionary. Haha, just kidding! It is the place in Hollywood (along Hollywood Blvd) where celebrities receive a star on the sidewalk. If you still don't know what I'm talking about, you will have to go look it up because I have no idea how to better explain it, and you may just need a picture to refresh your memory lol.

So, anyhow, I went walking down it, and after a bit, I noticed that some celebrities had more than one star. What??? How is this possible?...Surely, the city would have a register of the stars they've given out and would know they've given out more than one to some people?!?!? Well, apparently this is not true, because after walking the WHOLE thing, I found a true WEALTH of celebs who had more than one star!

The following is the list, for your entertainment:

Kevin Costner (why does he even have ONE?!)
Harrison Ford
Eva Marie Saint (Um, who the hell is this person?? And especially that she has two!)
Lucille Ball (Okay, I'll give it to her, 'cause she's just so damn lovable!)
Gene Autry
Doris Day
Alfred Hitchcock (and deservedly so...)
Liberace! HAHAHA
Ted Knight
Red Skeleton
Bob Hope had FOUR. Not even joking you, the guy had FOURRRRRRRRRR. WHAT THE EFF!
Lou Costello had THREE, and I've never even heard of the dude! And the thing worth mentioning here is that I didn't see one for Elvis Costello, who definitely deserves one, yet this Lou dude had THREE! LOL
Vincent Price
Walt Disney
Bing Crosby

Now, the most disappointing one I came across was easy to pick. It had no competition. Paula Abdul. I'm not even lying, the bitch has one. Why? Because she PERFORMED (note, I did not say "sang"), like, 5 popular songs? Wow, go you, you 2-CD wonder! (Blehhhhhhh!) Next up was Renee Zellwegger. An actress best known for her amazing inability to act....

HAHAHAHA, oh, oh, also! When I was walking down the WoF, I was about to pass Britney Spears' star, and some drunk chick ran over to it with her boyfriend (or man of the night?) and she had a reeeeeally short, flowy dress on and I laughed SO hard (out loud!!) because with the way her body tilted initially, she looked like Britney in the picture where she's getting out of the car with no underwear on, and I pictured this drunk girl doing that on accident all stupidly over Britney's star and the whole street bein like "OH DEAR GOD!!" out of shock and disgust and it was one of the best moments of my life. Definitely the best vagina-moment of my life. Haha!

Now, I STILL cannot find Michael Jackson's star and it is driving me crazy! I walked the whole WoF except for, like, one block, so it must have been in that one block, but that is just so maddening that it is the one I am most excited to encounter and it is the one eluding me so well! And I haven't seen one for Madonna yet....so hers better be right next to Michael's or somethin, 'cause if Paula abDUL has one and Madonna doesn't, I'ma bitch-slap someone in the WoF offices.....

Now, on to the jocks side of this blog, one of my first days in CA, I walked past this sign, and it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen, so I had to share it with you!
"That's so 'jock who can complete a pass but not a sentence' -- think that's mean? How do you think 'that's so gay' sounds? Hurtful. So knock it off.
Thinkb4youspeak.com"
How great, right??? :D

Day Two of Utah-L.A. Move, Continued: The Heat Is On!

So, I buy: chocolate milk (YUM! Haven't had in years!!), an old-fashioned-style blackberry soda, and a bottle of lemonade. I don't get any water because I think these three will hydrate me enough. So I slam the chocolate milk, and half to two-thirds of the CARBONATED blackberry soda in the desert heat, and then pull out of Chainsaw Market. By the time I get off of the on-ramp back onto I-15, my stomach is killing me...."What," I wonder, "could possibly be wrong with my stomach? The only thing I've really consumed is.....chocolate MILK on a blazing hot day AND 12 oz. of (minimally flavored) carbonated sugar water...it couldn't possibly be that, could it??" Haha! Now, I write that as if I had no idea, but I did....I just write it like that because I felt SOOO stupid for not foreseeing that this would happen. Let's mix an empty stomach, desert heats, milk, carbonation, sugar and dehydration. Bright mix, Apollo. Lol.

So the next town (same mini-market type of situation) is about a half hour away and I am plugging along the best I can with my circumstances. I feel like I'm about to puke AND pass out now (haha!) and luckily I make it to the next town and buy like 2 or 3 waters and chug 1.5 of 'em! My body gratefully soaks up the water and I am on my way again!

As I am driving into areas with real-life now, I have no map. And I am on the freeway. In Los Angeles. Yeah, one thing that I am illuminating about myself through writing these blogs is that I am possibly THE most ill-prepared traveler ever. HAHA. My whole life, I always thought you could take I-15 straight down to L.A. Turns out it actually goes straight to San Diego, which is a surprising distance away from L.A. (in my opinion). Luckily -- seriously, "by the grace of god" defined -- I happened to be exploring Google Maps out of minute curiosity the week before and I remember only that I was surprised to learn I can't take I-15 straight to L.A., and that I need to get onto another freeway somewhere after Barstow. I was in a hurry at the time, so I didn't memorize anything and told myself to come back and search again before I made the drive down. Yeah....if you didn't notice, in the last blog, I said I'd finish Day Two's blog the next day, and here it is, a day late (and that is only because I randomly came back to my blog and saw that I had made a promise about which I'd apparently forgot and felt a little bad so I was motivated to write this blog....therefore, AMPLE evidence that I am not the best at keeping my commitments to focus online. Lol.

So, I'm on the freeway, and I come to a choice: I can either go South to San Diego or West to Pasadena. Wait a minute. Where's my "South to Los Angeles" option??? Shit! Well, I don't want to keep going to San Diego, but I don't know if I'll come across another freeway that will take me away from SD.....so.....I choose to go to Pasadena and hope for the best! HAHA! So I'm pluggin along toward Pasadena, and another choice comes upon me....continue to Pasadena, or go toward....Los Angeles! Yea! This time it is in my favor! Lol. So of course I head toward L.A. and then I have a bit of a mental problem. There are two freeways here that are similarly numbered. The 110 and the 101. Which one is it that takes me into Hollywood? And which one is the devil's freeway?? I can't remember for the life of me! And I'm comin up on the exits for both....oh shit...how do I decide, how do I decide????
Well, thank god California Department of Transportation planned ahead for idiots like me. They nicknamed the 101 "Hollywood Freeway" and even went so far as to publish it on the last "exit now" sign! So I swerve into the exit lane right before it veers off the highway and head into Hollywood. Ahhhhhh, familiar territory....how I love thee....

I get into town (took the wrong exit and drove much longer than I needed to...) and pull up to my lovely place of residence. I jump out of my car, excited to lay my body down and walk up to the gate, where I must put in the code to get in. So, I put it in. And no loud, annoying, make-you-want-to-carve-your-eardrums-out-of-your-ears noise booms. What? So I put the code in again. Once again, no noise. HUH?? So I put it in again (because this makes lots of sense at this point). NO NOISE! What the fuck?!? So I call James (my roommate) and ask what's going on, and he goes into some story about them changing the codes and the codes not working and basically I'm pissed. So I get to sit outside of my own apartment like a panhandler waiting for someone to come who knows how to get in.

When I finally get inside, I lie down, James gets home and tells me I should go get a box-fan to put into my window. You are a genius, James, because it is blisteringly hot and I was too tired and dead to think of that myself! So I go get a box-fan (for $20...jealous that I can't buy the portable A/C units for $200.......) and come home and put it in my window. I turn my back on it to surf the net and ten minutes later I hear a BANG-CRASH (WTF??) and all of a sudden I no longer feel fanny-goodness. Once again, WTF?? Apparently, my fan was blasting so hard (huh?....) that it fell backward, broke my window screen and fell two stories onto the ground below. Oh, yea!! I am so excited at this point that I spent $20 for ten minutes of a working fan!! HAHAHA. So I begrudgingly go and collect my fan, assuming it's dead and trying to figure out what I can say to Home Depot to get them to give me a refund, and I bring it back upstairs and plug it in, and it works like it's still new! (Well, 'cause it is....but I mean, like it never fell two stories and smashed to the cement! Lol). So, luckily, I have, like, the mini-est side table ever in my room (like, I think the actual circumference is 10 inches.....) and I get the fan somewhat properly set on that so it works, it's halfway as cool as if I'd set the fan in the window sill, and makes the room bearable.

Once again, James being a genius, he comes into my room a couple days later and asks why my fan is not in my window, and I reply that it fell out onto the cement outside after ten minutes and I did not want to have to make that journey to collect it every ten minutes for the rest of the summer....So he asks "Well, did you close the window on it to hold it in?" No. I did not. Of course. And he puts it in the window, closes the window on the top of it to hold it in, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you...it has stayed there for 2 days now straight!
Two thumbs up for intellect!!

Day Two of Utah-L.A. Move: The Heat Is On!

Utah to Las Vegas was LITERALLY a breeze -- it was decently chilled and not (much) profuse sweating...HOWEVER, L.V. to L.A. was absolute sunny HELL. Welcome to Death Valley, Ryan, next time buy a car with A/C! (That's right, my car has NO A/C...and for those who care, it is 100 degrees today in L.A. Guh!)

So, anyway, I am driving through Death Valley and the Mojave DESERT, so I had face sweat and hand sweat and arm pit sweat and back sweat (from bein' up against the seat the whole drive...) and knee pit sweat...I'm sweating in EVERY crevasse I have...use your imagination...

And there are like NO gas stations between L.V. and Barstow, Calif., I swear to go, and (no exaggeration) I am about to pass out from deydration, so I think "Hmm, okay, I think I'll pull over at the next city and buy some drinks." The next city isn't for another 45 minutes. I have RUN OUT of sweat at this point. I'm playing a guessing game with myself in my mind wondering what will be the liquid that my body chooses to push out of my pores next...Blood? Bile? Vomit? Amniotic Fluid? WHO KNOWS?? So I finally get to a side-of-the-dirt-road market and as I pull up a man walks out. This man looks like a hillbilly mixed with a bum mixed with a man who hasn't yet learned what the words "Shower," "Shave," and "No, god, please don't kill me, sir!" mean. Then, as I park, I notice in front of me a woman who looks like she is on a mixture of Crack-Cocaine and Multiple Personalities Disorder. As hot and dying as I was, I STILL sat in my car for a minute and hesitated...I mean, it looked exACTly like the set from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I didn't really want to die. But, I figured whether I died from a chainsaw or from dehydration, I'd be dying either way, and at least the Chainsaw way, I'd be able to check something off my Bucket List (yes, I've seriously always wanted to be in a real-life horror movie, specifically Texas Chainsaw Massacre...).

So I ventured into the shop (keeping my eyes peeled for anything suspicious) and wound my way to the cold beverages and went to purchase them.....the dude there was so nice and friendly and helpful (he was a TOTAL hippie! LOVED IT!), I ended up actually giving him a dollar tip! I'm sure he will use that to buy a new chainsaw, HOWEVER, I GOT OUT OF THERE ALIVE. That's the important thing. Lol.

Part Two to be published tomorrow...

Day One of Utah-L.A. Move: Don't Turn Around!

Today as I was driving down to Vegas, I got to Manti and my stomach felt incredibly sick. I couldn’t decide what it was: that I was homesick already, or because I had driven past such a densely Mormon city (haha, bad joke, I know, whatever, lol).

All kidding aside, I knew there was something going on inside of me -- something that I didn't necessarily want to congront. Because I could tell I didn't want to confront it, I knew that I had to. I immediately picked up the phone and texted Sarah Brown. I told her I wanted to puss out and turn around and it was taking every piece of my fortitude to continue driving South. She coached me around selling out and being in hype and being one with what is, and challenged me to coach myself. That was the key. So many of my friends would simple console (which, by the way, I am grateful for). So many of my friends would simply provide me with bitter feedback (which I am also grateful for, to an extent). The key to my forward movement in my discourse with Sarah is that after she did both of those things, she finished by challenging me to coach myself.

Because of that, I identified for myself that I really wanted to keep going to L.A., I was just scared of the unknown. I was scared of being (virtually, though not wholly) on my own in a new city and I was scared of not being able to take care of (and HELP -- thank you, Sarah's Feedback) my mom and other loved ones in Salt Lake. And I identified that if all of that is REALLY (TRULY) important to me, I will create: I will attract to me the money that is necessary to visit my loved ones whenever I want (or feel the need), and am also right now becoming aware that I can still nurture my relationships via telecommunication (thank god for Facebook and Skype!)

So I finished out my day of driving with a stop in Las Vegas to visit the beautiful one and only Karli Markovitz! I got to relax there and chat (unfortunately briefly) with my Vegas-Love and then headed out to L.A. the next morning as she headed off to work...

Day One, Continued (And Day Two): Lost In TransL.A.tion

So, I don't die. Just in case you didn't solve that riddle. Lol.

I am still walking on this "street" that is more like I-15 than a street...and it is now time for our Conference Call as coaches...So I get on the call and mute it for their benefit and participate and it's pretty decent and all the while, people are honking at me, as if I don't know they are rushing by behind me about to kill me, and like I'm completely impeding their ability to drive OVER the speed limit by walking basically in bushes. Sigh....
After the call ends, I finally find an off-ramp and feverishly head up it, not knowing or caring where I am, just that I am off death-street. Lol.

At this point, I'm lost, starving and it's starting to get dark. I text my friend James Ord who lives down here and ask him for advice and he points me in a decent direction. Soon enough I am getting over-priced food and barely sating my appetite. Lol. I am hella tired and just want to catch a bus back to where I'm staying and have no idea where to go. So I ask my server and he points me in a direction. He is incredibly vague, but I think to myself "Eh, I got this, how hard can it be to find my way home?" WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL BEING SO OPTIMISTIC??? LOL! So I start walking, and am a little lost and I decide to go back and ask for the directions again because I do NOT want to get stuck on another street like La Cienega again! Lol. So I ask two more times, and he just repeats the same vague directions. Thank god at that point his supervisor steps into the conversation and is much clearer. So I head toward the bus stop and some random black chick starts talking to me. She is very cool, and really sweet and talkative and we will really click. At this point, I wanna cling on to any hope I may have, and am violently debating in my head whether or not it would seem too creepy to ask her for her number so I can stay in contact with her, and by the time I decide I will, she gets off at her stop. Cool- Lesson learned: Don't wait, or life will pass me by. (Just FYI, I learned this lesson several more times over the course of my stay, so I think it's safe to say, I didn't ACTUALLY learn it that night with the black chick. Lol)

I finally get back to the place I'm staying, and the guy is creepy as ALL get out....he wants to fuck, and massage me (which that one, I'm actually not too against after my retardedly long day lol), and......that's right, people....HE HAD BED BUGS OOHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD!!
WHAT???
How could the situation with dude get any worse??? Oh, yeah, let's throw some bed bugs into the mix! Why not?!? GUH!
So I kinda scream and he's like "What??" and I'm like "Dude, you have BED BUGS!" And he goes on to ferociously debate it, all the while pulling out this HUGE container of bed bug spray and starts spraying all around and on the bed. Um, I'm sorry, sir, but how are you going to debate the validity of your bed bugs and then pull out a HUGE FUCKING CONTAINER of bug spray that in HUGE letters says that it is specifically designed for BED BUGS. Nothing else, JUST BED BUGS.???!!!??!?!?!?!? WHAAAATTTT????? Yeah, so eff him!

I had spotted that there was a mattress on the floor of his living room just chilling there so I said "Well, I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but would you mind if I just slept on the mattress out there?..." thinking to myself: Even if you DO mind, I'm sleeping on that fucking mattress. Why didn't you offer it to me in the first place???"

So he tries to weasle his way out, and I'm just like "Yeah, I don't mean to disrespect you at all, but I'm sleeping out there. Good night!"

OH MY GOD, RIGHT???

So, it's freezing all night. I've got no blanket with me, 'cause I assumed I'd be sleeping somewhere nicer...with less bugs and more blankets....but I'm not, so alright, I'll make the best of what I've got...I toss and turn all night and I finally get up and text James (who I was going to stay with after my stay at bedbug-mansion had ended) and asked him to please let me stay with him a couple days earlier so I could get the hell out of this place. THANK YOU, JAMES, FOR LETTING ME STAY WITH YOU A COUPLE DAYS EARLIER!!

So that afternoon, I go out on another venture into the city, for 6 more hours, walking everywhere...only this time, I created more pain for myself -- literally. I thought, "Well, I'll go out dressed up a bit, like, business casual type of clothes, so that when I go into prospective employers, I will look better than in my board shorts or cut-offs. So in this dress-nice-decision, I choose to wear my brown dress shoes. Yeah, let's just cut to the chase and say that they are not meant, whatsoever, to wear for more than maybe an hour's worth of walking. Period.

So after all my blister-creating-dress-shoe-walking comes to an end, I am in Hollywood, and it's getting dark. I'm on Santa Monica Blvd, thinking, "Well, Sheryl Crow sang about this street, so I'm sure it's one of the most used streets in Hollywood, so I'm sure a bus will come down this street pretty frequently" so I start walking toward my destination along SMB, so I'm not wasting time just sitting around. Oh my god, I see TONSSSSS of buses! Just none going my way. Oh, wait, yeah, I DID see several heading my way. You know, all the ones that said "Not In Service."

So I continue plodding along, and get into West Hollywood. Still no buses. Well, whatever, I'll just keep walking. Soon, my feet are literally killing me. They are sliced up into tiny little fragments of blisterization and hurt like hell to walk on. But at this point, seeing all the buses saying "Not In Service," I think I'm going to have to walk all the way home, so I might as well just keep walking. I mean, I'm puzzled as to why it's 9:00 and all the buses are already going back to their hub, but whatever, L.A. has been nothing like I expected at this point, so why not believe that their bus system ends at 9 PM? People everywhere do say how bad their transit system sucks. So I sigh (heavily) and continue walking. And walking. And walking. And now I cross into Beverly Hills. Always the optimistic sucker (lol), I think "Well, at least I'm in the pretty neighborhood now, and maybe I'll at least see Katherine Heigl or someone jogging past me." The trouble with BH is, well, four-fold:

First: the regular, PAVED sidewalk turns into a nice dirt pathway. It's beautiful, if it weren't for the fact that I'd been walking on blisters all day, and pretty much mashed down any sole that was left on my shoes, so I could actually feel every ROCK and aberrantly patterned grain of dirt on the path.

Second: they don't find it wise to have any ramps on their curbs at the intersections, so I have to muster every piece of un-maxed-out muscle left in my thighs (which is like, maybe .2% at this point) just to step down the curb at the intersection and then step back up on the other side.

Third: I don't see anyone remotely famous or beautiful along this pathway. Fuck Katherine Heigl. Lol.

Fourth: There are ABSOLUTELY NO bus stops along SMB once you get into BH. NONE! And it stretches forever -- using Utah as an example, just the pretty, non-bussy BH part of SMB would stretch from about 1300 S. to 2700 S.

So I think "I need to stop being optimistic and believing I can walk the rest of this like Jesus did on water and just turn back now." So I stop. And I debate. Should I give up? No, I don't give up! But, Ryan, look at the facts... No! I've ben optimistic this far along and haven't died (yet), what should stop me from continuing to be optimistic?? Ryan, look at the fucking facts. Guh, fine, I give in, I'll turn around! So I turn around. And I make it back to the edge of BH and West Hollywood (abbreviated WeHo). I sit down on the curb and start crying.
No, I didn't really start crying, it just felt like the right way to start wrapping this story up. Haha.

OMG, ALL I DO IS WRITE MOVIES IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME NOW LOL.

Anyhow, I sit down on the curb and think about crying. Lol. (Seriously) Instead, I just lay down on the grass, and go over my day. I mean, other than the blisters (that are actually STILL healing as I write this.....), the day wasn't TOO bad. And I'm sure it wasn't worse than a Mormon missionary's. So life can't be too bad if my day isn't as bad as theirs, doing what they choose to do for two full years. So I sit up, text James and ask him to do me the favor of just picking me up where I'm at, take me to bed-bug-mansion to get my stuff, and bring me back to his place, and he does.

I get home....and I think I ate? I don't know, I can't remember...If not, I must've been WAY too tired, 'cause I know my body was fiending.
Sleep could not have come soon enough.

Day One: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I can't believe I've only been here 3 days...I feel like it's already been a week!

THE FIRST DAY:
I landed (obviously lol). After collecting my bags, I called the guy with whom I'd be staying for the first couple of nights to get an address and ask if he could pick me up so I wouldn't have to find a way to lug my 3 bags and pillow all the way from LAX to Culver City...
Oh, by the way, here's a map link, in case you wanna follow my specific traveling. I don't know exactly if this will work, but if not, just go to Google Maps, type in "Los Angeles, CA" and center on the western side of LA where you will find Culver City, West Hollywood, Hollywood, Beverly Hills and LAX. Those are the only places to which I'll be traveling and thereby mentioning.
MAP!

So, I get a hold of the guy, and he's incredibly jaded (and possibly a little mentally ill?) and won't pick me up unless I pay him $50. Nice. Thank you, Capitalist Training 101. I have $240 with me for the whole 10 days, so I'm not about to blow fifty of it on a simple car ride. So, I walk outside after he chats my ear off and I come across a man who is dressed as if he works at the airport and says "You need directions to where you're going?" and I think "Oh God: thank you, you really do love me, you've directed me straight to someone who can assist me in finding my way around the city!" So I ask dude how to get to Sepulveda and Venice Blvds, and he says lost of stuff that I can't understand, and I think "OL, minus one point, God, because you gave me a slightly retarded (or homeless?) airport worker."

So after fishing out what exactly his words meant, I am still in mystery and am hoping that grace and intuition will put together his words and my circumstances in the most beneficial manner. So I start to leave with this hope in my heart and he turns and says "Now, maybe you can do something for me" and starts to tell me all about The Salvation Army or homeless youth or something charitable like that that I didn't pay attention to because I was still trying to record to my brain his previously mangled directions. And I think "Well, he told me how to take the bus all the way to Culver City for only $1. So I might as well give him a couple bucks, 'cause I'd be paying $20 for a taxi otherwise." So I do. And then I leave and find whatever bus I'm supposed to get on.

So. I get on the bus after a couple of chance mistakes, and I find my way to the apt in Culver. As I'm walking up to where I think it is at, I marvel at the beauty and cleanliness of the apt building. Then I randomly look up to my right and see the address I am looking for is actually on the building right before it -- MY address is placed on the dirty, creepy looking one. And NO JOKE, I stopped walking and looked over to the beautiful one, and then looked back up at the 2-foot address numbers staring me in the face and looked back over at the beautiful one like a puppy missing his master...and I almost continued to walk over to the beautiful complex anyhow, like I was in denial: "NO, THIS IS NOT WHERE I'M STAYING! I GET TO STAY AT THE BEAUTIFUL ONE, DAMN IT!!!" ran through my head and my body followed suit until I came back to consciousness and reluctantly turned 90 degrees to suspiciously enter the gross apt complex.

At this point, I've been traveling all afternoon, and I just wanna get my huge, heavy baggage into his place, and I look ahead of me and there's a humongous stairway to climb to 2 of the 5 apartments I see. Naturally, odds are in my favor that his apt is NOT one of the two up the stairs. So I search and search and search for the number 5 next to the doors of the apartments on the bottom. And when I can't find that this is the case, I sigh and start lugging my shit up the stairs.

So I get in, minimally set up my stuff, and meet him. And he is even more crazy and creepy in real life than over the phone. I am filled with sadness and regret. Lol. I meet a nice, VERY CUTE Polish guy that's staying there also, and I strike up some conversation before we leave in our own directions, and it reminds me of my time in Iceland and I'm in heaven momentarily. Then he says "Well, I gotta leave so I can make sure I get to Santa Monica in time" and I say "Oh, yeah, have fun!" and think "No, don't leave me alone here!!!" HAHAHA. So I decide "I'm gonna go out and search for jobs and get away from this creep-loaded area." At this point, I have not looked at any map of the city, FYI. Spoiler alert! Lesson learned: study a map of a new city before you venture into it.

I leave the house at about 2pm, and I know I have my Great Life conference call with my fellow coaches at 6:45pm. Oh, how easy! I should be able to get down to Hollywood, check out some jobs, and get back to my place so I can charge my dying phone by then, no problem! (Sarcastic spoiler alert right there...lol). So, I start walking the way I came by bus from LAX because I am under the impression that LAX is toward the center of the city, that Culver is North of LAX and that Hollywood and West Hollywood are South of LAX. This is the point at which it would have been AMAZING if I had a map -- and where I encourage you to look one up to follow me along my (fun?) adventure....

As I'm walking along Sepulveda Blvd for about an hour and a half, I start thinking "Why does everything here look so gangster, and very un-Hollywood-like?" I pass a sign from which I gleam that I am in Los Angeles proper, and think "Oh, okay, so I can't be too far from Hollywood now." Now, I've been walking for an hour and a half, and think "Okay, I've got basically no idea where I'm at, and I now have approx 3 hours to get to Hollywood and back before my call starts...maybe I should ask for directions..." so I go into a gas station and ask the desk clerk how I get to West Hollywood. He of course doesn't know (I say "of course" because SOMEHOW NONE of the gas station workers seem to know where anything is in LA, including themselves...), but thank GOD, the lady buying goods knows everything about the LA county map, lol. So she draws me a diagram in the air and basically tells me "You're almost to LAX now...which is not where you want to be" -- (GREEEEEAAATT....) -- "and you're still in Culver City, not in LA proper" -- (WHAT??? How is one dingy city so fucking big???) -- "and that it's only about twenty minutes to WeHo if I take Slauson [the street I was on at that point] to La Cienega North and then when that street splits into La Cienega and Fairfax, right after Jefferson, I continue on Fairfax and I'll be taken straight into WeHo." "AWESOME," I say. "Thank you so much for your assistance!" Twenty minutes, with all those directions, sounds a little short, but then again, I have the mindset that the LA area is not sprawling at all. Yeah, all I can say is hindsight is 20/20.

So, I'm walkin' down Slauson, groovin' to my iPod, excited that I only have 20 minutes to WeHo, so I'll for sure make it back in time to charge my phone and ascertain the conference call number and access code I'll need. As I approach La Cienega, I notice it looks kinda like an aqueduct, I think they're called?...the thing that the "good guys" and the bad guys" raced the cars through in Grease...it looks like one of those that was refurbished into a freeway system. And it doesn't seem to have much sidewalk. But why would this lady recommend that I walk down a street that has no sidewalks?? SHE can't be crazy too, she seemed so normal! And then I remember: "It'll only take twenty minutes if you follow these directions" and it's been about 10 and I'm just barely turning onto La Cienega. So, naturally, I ignore my intuition that says "Hey, you retard, she was under the impression that you were driving and not walking!!" and my optimistic Ryan thinks "Yeah, but I'm sure there's a sidewalk somewhere on this road. I mean, it is a road, after all." So with that, I groove myself down the on-ramp onto the street...disregarding that I'm walking down an ON-RAMP, meaning it's probably a fucking freeway...
And I plug on.

All of a sudden the shoulder ends...and the sides are covered by bushes...leaving my only option as walking on the very side of the lane, hugging the bushes...so I don't get killed by 60-mph drivers. I walk, and walk, and walk, still optimistically under the impression that this road will come to an end soon. And it doesn't. So at this point, it's like, 430 or 5, and I think "I am fucked. Please give me a long enough charge on my phone to hold for the entire conference call. And please let me get off this long freeway soon enough...and please don't let me die here while I'm trying to accomplish those other two things..."

TO BE CONTINUED...