Apparently, my manager has a huge fear of disease? The other day, I overheard him telling an employee that he would have rather had them not come in to work because they were sick, even though to me they weren't even symptomatic. So I called in today to learn when he wanted me to show up and he heard my raspy-as-fuck sore throat and was all "Oh, that sucks...I was gonna have you come in tonight but you're sick, so just rest up all day, do as much healing as you can for yourself and then come in tomorrow morning." "Really?" I asked him, in disbelief. "Yeah, I don't want you to get any of the other employees sick because we all need to be on top of our game to sell well, you know?" "Oh. Okay." I replied....still in disbelief. I've never called in to work, wanting to go in even though I'm sick, and been told not to come in. It was weird. Lol.
So, I didn't get up and get ready. I didn't jump in the shower and fret about what I was going to wear. I didn't look at my clock a million times afraid I might be late, and when the alarm I set last night went off, I didn't freak out thinking about the lack of minutes I had left in my schedule. I didn't jump in my car and regret that I didn't have smokes, that I'd given it up and I didn't have to convince myself that my life would be better without them...the whole drive. I didn't yell (in my head) at the drivers who were going 10mph under the speed limit, because it was lightly raining, and I didn't flip off the person that I thereafter cut off and sped ahead of.
Instead, I rested myself again for a couple hours, played on Facebook, brushed and flossed my teeth in order to keep my mouth as clean (therefore healable) as possible. I called a friend I'd been wanting to connect with for months, and happened to catch him in the perfect moment for the perfect amount of time. I received feedback in our lovely conversation that assisted me in being clear on where I've been and where I can move forward to, and some friendly advice and sharing of troubles and triumphs. I caught myself up on my guilty pleasures -- my two favorite blogs (Shannon's Blogspot and Break The Illusion) -- and heard how to guide myself to loving myself more purely. I've been listening to some of the best music on the planet! :)
Wow...weird...I just felt my spirit catch up to my body. It was like it was launched from a slingshot back into my body. Six-ish months ago it got stuck in some molasses and it finally melted free.
Speaking of melting, over the weekend, I spoke to an old friend again and it was pretty cool. The way I do relationships (...for those of you who have not yet found this glaringly obvious based on my track record lol...) is that, as Jared Orvis so perfectly put it, I burn them down to the ground if they don't work for me. We hung out and, from my side, it seemed like we were both attracted to each other. I don't know the why's, the how's, the should's or any of that. None of that is important. But at the time, I thought it was. I spent all of my energy trying to figure out all the why's and how's I could, and tried unsuccessfully to implement my "findings" into a bunch of should's. Should I act this way? Should I not? Should he be doing something based on my actions? Shouldn't he love me already? Shouldn't he want to hang out with only me, because I'm so amazing??? And he is a slippery snake. (I'm not being condescending...he's literally a Snake in Chinese Zodiac...) He could see what I was doing, and what was coming, and he was able to navigate around all of the facets of me, keeping me running around, following him around this little maze he was guiding, all while he had his fun and I went crazy. Hmmmmmmmm...there we go...I discovered one facet he could not do better than me. Insanity. I learned that soon enough. And I implemented it even sooner.
Some of you MAAAAAAY have noticed I've been SLIGHTLY crazy and especially erratic over the past few months. I am starting to believe that once I burnt this relationship to the ground with my insane actions (in order to one-up him and feel like I could control the situation and myself), they became habit, and I confused myself into believing that those actions/tactics worked better than any other to get what I wanted out of my life...
So the other night at karaoke, I saw this man and...well, to preface, we've seen each other a bit around the town and I've always gotten supertense and felt superawkward and then I didn't see him as much anymore so I convinced myself that we were now running in opposite circles and wouldn't share space again. But then I saw him the other night at karaoke and I was really drawn to him. I did my best to be cool around him (we were "sharing" a friend that night at the bar, 'cause we had both individually invited the friend out that night to the same bar) and just focus on how much I love myself and respect him as a human being in order to do so, but we didn't talk. I knew he was uncomfortable a bit, because our energies so easily and naturally intertwine, and that he wanted to talk to me but he didn't know where I would be and he didn't want to open himself back up to The Crazy Bitch. HAHA! However, fate had a different way of dealing with things.
Out of nowhere, I rose an intense fever and my body was aching everywhere and I chose to stand up all night because there were no chairs without butts already in them. Finally, however, it seemed to me like someone left the bar and I spotted an empty chair. Naturally I pounced on it, hoping my back would start to feel better and my body might be able to begin healing itself since it was no longer expending itself. As I finally reached within LITERALLY one step of the open chair, I looked up and saw that it was right next to the chair in which my old friend was sitting. Like...RIGHT next to him. Like, Great-Life-close. Like, you-can't-breathe-next-to-this-person-without-them-feeling-your-lungs-expanding-close. And I sat down. And I felt the wall of ice being constructed energetically so I couldn't get into his spirit.
Our mutual friend came over and chilled with both of us and so we naturally were involved in each other's conversations and jokes. And I don't remember what sparked the conversation, but I just owned up. We VERY briefly discussed with our mutual friend how we knew each other and I joked about how he'd seen all of me, even the crazy...and he (with gusto) affirmed that. And then I joked a bit more about how I was emotionally unstable when we were friends and how I was a huge contributing factor to the demise of our friendship, and he (with much more gusto each time.......) affirmed my statements. And I kept thinking "God damn it, stop being so happy to affirm these things!" Haha! And I reminded myself that even though my actions WERE shitty, I currently AM not a shitty person. Because of the time I spent learning from my old friend, I have since redeveloped the way I deliver results in my friendships and other relationships. I now choose to be more considerate and compassionate and listen and seek, while holding my own in what I stand for and who I am.
So I believe that all of the introspection that this day has truly truly GIVEN to me has been exactly what I needed to bring one minute chapter to a conclusion; honoring him and celebrating and healing myself.
Love,
Apollo
12.11.2010
12.09.2010
Rockin'
Rockin'
Rockin’ the hurt
What’s that now?
Rockin’ this life
And how?
Rockin’ this shit,
With nowhere to go
Down this paveme’t
Wreckin’ to my flow.
If you can see it, you can be it
You can do it, you’re here to prove it.
If you desire, you can take it higher,
Take it to the streets and move it.
Rockin’ the hurt
What’s that now?
Rockin’ this life
And how?
Rockin’ this shit,
With nowhere to go
Down this paveme’t
Wreckin’ to my flow.
If you can see it, you can be it
You can do it, you’re here to prove it.
If you desire, you can take it higher,
Take it to the streets and move it.
11.25.2010
I'm Grateful For The Living
Sometimes when you want something, you've gotta go full force at it. That's what I've been doing the past six months. And sometimes when you do that, you don't always have one hundred percent happy results.
The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."
I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...
I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.
I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.
Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.
My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?
I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.
I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.
I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.
Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.
The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."
I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...
I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.
I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.
Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.
My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?
I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.
I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.
I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.
Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.
11.02.2010
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Ego
I don't like being self-centered.
I don't like things going in my favor more than in the favor of others, nor do I enjoy things going in the favor of others more than in my favor.
I enjoy balance, harmony, peace and to give to others. I like them to return the flow to me, in praise and love. Is this self-centeredness? Is this simply self-love? My ego doesn't like to separate from me, I notice...So much that he has tried to make himself the topic of this blog, rather than my loving side...to do so would be to make it seem to myself as if my Ego was stronger or more prevalent in me, thus allowing him to win for a brief interlude. But he's not...he's simply the wolf I feed or the wolf I starve. My body is starving lately because I am not feeding my True Self, but am feeding my Ego Self, who cannot exist within my soul, truly, therefore cannot give sustenance to me in living, therefore weakens me...and then looks to blame it on others and outside circumstances, in order to hide himself in the shadow -- as I have been doing the past week as I've been looking at why I feel sooo weak lately. I am good enough, and I am strong enough. I am beautiful, no matter what he says. Mmmmmm...I love me...I embrace all of me, and I feed and accentuate all parts within me that celebrate my spirit's purity, and that engender love and trust.
Thank you :)
I don't like things going in my favor more than in the favor of others, nor do I enjoy things going in the favor of others more than in my favor.
I enjoy balance, harmony, peace and to give to others. I like them to return the flow to me, in praise and love. Is this self-centeredness? Is this simply self-love? My ego doesn't like to separate from me, I notice...So much that he has tried to make himself the topic of this blog, rather than my loving side...to do so would be to make it seem to myself as if my Ego was stronger or more prevalent in me, thus allowing him to win for a brief interlude. But he's not...he's simply the wolf I feed or the wolf I starve. My body is starving lately because I am not feeding my True Self, but am feeding my Ego Self, who cannot exist within my soul, truly, therefore cannot give sustenance to me in living, therefore weakens me...and then looks to blame it on others and outside circumstances, in order to hide himself in the shadow -- as I have been doing the past week as I've been looking at why I feel sooo weak lately. I am good enough, and I am strong enough. I am beautiful, no matter what he says. Mmmmmm...I love me...I embrace all of me, and I feed and accentuate all parts within me that celebrate my spirit's purity, and that engender love and trust.
Thank you :)
11.01.2010
I Choose Love
Well, at first, I intended this blog to be longer, because I was going to do some emotional sorting via it, but it turns out I just did it in the past ten minutes in my head, LOL, so I'm just gonna give a bit of a recap and share some thoughts. Please, feel free to comment if you want more info or help with this aspect in your own life.
A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight
...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..
Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.
A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight
...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..
Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.
10.23.2010
My "Upline" To Freedom
My reality is made by my preferences of my perspectives.
When I get pulled over and I bemoan it, and analyze how my life is crashing down, I decide to hate policemen and authority and where my tax money goes. Then, when I get a ticket, I choose back into that space and I continue the cycle of choosing to dislike getting tickets. Today, I chose not to dislike getting a ticket. I chatted with my friend in the car and grounded myself and continued our conversation while the officer did his work, much like I would do if I were at the drive-thru of Taco Bell. At one point, I turned to my friend in total accountability and said: "Well, I've been thinkin the last couple days about how I get paid next Friday and I have nowhere to spend my money, other than gettin food. Well, now I do! Though I don't really want my money to go here.....well, based on results, I do, actually." Looking at it from that perspective was so calming, and I joked around with the officer and I could tell I made him a little bit happier.
On my way home, I introspected some more and I realized I have a BUNCH of preferences that make up my life, which thereby afflict my attitude, which thereby afflict my behaviors and either connect me to or distract me from my life path. For instance, I have a VERY strong preference for streamlined traffic, and when traffic is not streamlined, I get peeved and then I start to mumble in my head, and then I start to mumble under my breath, and then I start to yell out loud, and all the while I am waging a gigantic war inside of me -- all because my preference was disturbed. Same goes for receiving traffic tickets, people looking pretty (or, rather, not looking pretty), people treating me as an equal, people fighting around me, me being a perfect being (or not) at work, and many other things.
What is YOUR "trickle-effect"? What might be in your life -- what peace might BE -- if your preferences did not affect you so negatively emotionally?
I know for me, it is freedom. Freedom is purity, and it is dancing with me right now :)
When I get pulled over and I bemoan it, and analyze how my life is crashing down, I decide to hate policemen and authority and where my tax money goes. Then, when I get a ticket, I choose back into that space and I continue the cycle of choosing to dislike getting tickets. Today, I chose not to dislike getting a ticket. I chatted with my friend in the car and grounded myself and continued our conversation while the officer did his work, much like I would do if I were at the drive-thru of Taco Bell. At one point, I turned to my friend in total accountability and said: "Well, I've been thinkin the last couple days about how I get paid next Friday and I have nowhere to spend my money, other than gettin food. Well, now I do! Though I don't really want my money to go here.....well, based on results, I do, actually." Looking at it from that perspective was so calming, and I joked around with the officer and I could tell I made him a little bit happier.
On my way home, I introspected some more and I realized I have a BUNCH of preferences that make up my life, which thereby afflict my attitude, which thereby afflict my behaviors and either connect me to or distract me from my life path. For instance, I have a VERY strong preference for streamlined traffic, and when traffic is not streamlined, I get peeved and then I start to mumble in my head, and then I start to mumble under my breath, and then I start to yell out loud, and all the while I am waging a gigantic war inside of me -- all because my preference was disturbed. Same goes for receiving traffic tickets, people looking pretty (or, rather, not looking pretty), people treating me as an equal, people fighting around me, me being a perfect being (or not) at work, and many other things.
What is YOUR "trickle-effect"? What might be in your life -- what peace might BE -- if your preferences did not affect you so negatively emotionally?
I know for me, it is freedom. Freedom is purity, and it is dancing with me right now :)
10.05.2010
Discussing Pedophilia
This is probably considered "NSFW".
Also, to anyone under 18: know ahead of time, that this is a very touchy subject that, depending on your parents' beliefs, you may need their permission beforehand to read. If that only tempts you to read ahead and not get their permission, trust me, this conversation is not something juicy that will get your rocks off from doing so. So if you know (or are in mystery) that your parents would want you to get their permission before reading something to which I -- a person with basically no boundaries -- would put this disclaimer, you probably should just go do it, so you don't get grounded for something not really worth being grounded for. Haha!
K, so, I just now was invited to join a Facebook group that said this in its description:
"This group is for people that support freedom of others to live alternative lifestyles, whatever those be, as long as they are always consensual and never involve sex between adults and children."
And I automatically thought "Wait, who says kids can't have consensual sex?"
I want to make it clear, I am NOT a pedophile, lol. I would never have sex with a child, because that is not me nor is it what I would want in a sex partner.
My belief is that our society is against pedophilia for two reasons: first, we hold the belief that children cannot make responsible decisions and second, we believe that sex will pervert their innocent nature.
However, I see people my age (and older, in fact) who make sexual decisions as if they had the same understanding of it as a child does. I have seen people make consensual sexual decisions that have been intensely irresponsible. There is, in fact, a whole community of people out there who have sex without condoms on purpose, knowing that their sexual partner has (or may have) HIV/AIDS.
And I don't know about the "innocent nature" we give kids credit for...I know when I was a kid, I wanted to kill people. A lot, actually. Lol. I witness kids on the news taking their own lives (not an innocent act by ANY means), taking the lives of others, degrading and abusing each other spiritually and emotionally and mentally, hell and even physically. There are shows on MTV showcasing REAL LIFE teen pregnancies, and "My Super Sweet 16" which is like, the most evil show ever, I think: it parades a bunch of bitchy 15-almost-16-year-olds taking their spineless/bitchy parents around the block on their leash getting them to spend millions of dollars on their 16th birthday party, all the while treating them worse than cellmates would treat each other (well...minus the anal rape....or, at least they don't show that on TV...). Kids swear all the time nowadays (it actually frightens me how hardened children are nowadays as compared to when I was a youth), often times not really knowing what they're saying or why, simply just copycatting their parents or siblings or friends....So, really, are children "innocent" or are they just "naive"? I would say naive, because to me, innocent is a morality-inflected word that would not have much place in our childrens' lives if it were not for religion's popularity, and in specific, Catholicism's centuries-held reign in popular culture. My definition of naive is simply "not educated/well-informed on a matter."
As I said, I am not a pedophile, and have no desire to be one, but I personally feel that if someone under 18 is making what they believe to be a mutually consensual sexual decision, why should we make it illegal to stop them from making that decision for their life?
Also, to anyone under 18: know ahead of time, that this is a very touchy subject that, depending on your parents' beliefs, you may need their permission beforehand to read. If that only tempts you to read ahead and not get their permission, trust me, this conversation is not something juicy that will get your rocks off from doing so. So if you know (or are in mystery) that your parents would want you to get their permission before reading something to which I -- a person with basically no boundaries -- would put this disclaimer, you probably should just go do it, so you don't get grounded for something not really worth being grounded for. Haha!
K, so, I just now was invited to join a Facebook group that said this in its description:
"This group is for people that support freedom of others to live alternative lifestyles, whatever those be, as long as they are always consensual and never involve sex between adults and children."
And I automatically thought "Wait, who says kids can't have consensual sex?"
I want to make it clear, I am NOT a pedophile, lol. I would never have sex with a child, because that is not me nor is it what I would want in a sex partner.
My belief is that our society is against pedophilia for two reasons: first, we hold the belief that children cannot make responsible decisions and second, we believe that sex will pervert their innocent nature.
However, I see people my age (and older, in fact) who make sexual decisions as if they had the same understanding of it as a child does. I have seen people make consensual sexual decisions that have been intensely irresponsible. There is, in fact, a whole community of people out there who have sex without condoms on purpose, knowing that their sexual partner has (or may have) HIV/AIDS.
And I don't know about the "innocent nature" we give kids credit for...I know when I was a kid, I wanted to kill people. A lot, actually. Lol. I witness kids on the news taking their own lives (not an innocent act by ANY means), taking the lives of others, degrading and abusing each other spiritually and emotionally and mentally, hell and even physically. There are shows on MTV showcasing REAL LIFE teen pregnancies, and "My Super Sweet 16" which is like, the most evil show ever, I think: it parades a bunch of bitchy 15-almost-16-year-olds taking their spineless/bitchy parents around the block on their leash getting them to spend millions of dollars on their 16th birthday party, all the while treating them worse than cellmates would treat each other (well...minus the anal rape....or, at least they don't show that on TV...). Kids swear all the time nowadays (it actually frightens me how hardened children are nowadays as compared to when I was a youth), often times not really knowing what they're saying or why, simply just copycatting their parents or siblings or friends....So, really, are children "innocent" or are they just "naive"? I would say naive, because to me, innocent is a morality-inflected word that would not have much place in our childrens' lives if it were not for religion's popularity, and in specific, Catholicism's centuries-held reign in popular culture. My definition of naive is simply "not educated/well-informed on a matter."
As I said, I am not a pedophile, and have no desire to be one, but I personally feel that if someone under 18 is making what they believe to be a mutually consensual sexual decision, why should we make it illegal to stop them from making that decision for their life?
10.01.2010
Are YOU an "ANT Tour Someone"??
The following are the people I am looking for to enjoy the ANT Tour with me. If any of the following is you, e-mail me:
-Someone who donates a 7-sleeper (year: 2005 or later) motor home to me/us.
-Someone who loves to teach me how to play an acoustic guitar while we're on the road.
-Someone who wants to play with me and for me on the road.
-Someone who loves assisting me in creating the music to my lyrics, and teaching me how they are so freaking good at it!
-Someone who wants to play their own shows, too -- I want to play shows, but it's not all about me (I'm sure you're shocked! Lol). I am excited and grateful to have a travel companion who doesn't want to do everything for me, they simply want to come and jam on their own little tour too, and we are traveling together :)
-Someone who LOVES to travel, enjoys getting their hands dirty and wants to experience everything that the U.S., Canada and Mexico have to offer!
-Someone who is joyful, powerful and vibrant, energetic and loving, creative, fun, talented and inspiring, and feels and exhibits their own worth.
-Someone who LOVES to live.
-Graphic designer(s) - to create fabulous T-shirts and album artwork - that is/are willing to contract their services on the basis of commission-based payment (i.e., I mail to them a large chunk of my profits, as I sell items to which they contributed).
-Someone who loves to experiment with media and marketing, who overcomes the regular physical boundaries of promotion, and works until he/she has the desired result (or even something better) in order to secure venues to play in and create MASSIVE buzz for each performance before we arrive at its corresponding venue.
I love all of us joyfully doing what we are most passionate about in our lives! :) If you fit into any of these categories, please, feel free to shoot me an e-mail! You can do so by clicking here, going to the "Contact Us" page and filling out the form, or by e-mailing directly to couragelovejoy@yahoo.com. Make sure to put "ANT Tour "Someone"" in the subject line.
--Apollo
-Someone who donates a 7-sleeper (year: 2005 or later) motor home to me/us.
-Someone who loves to teach me how to play an acoustic guitar while we're on the road.
-Someone who wants to play with me and for me on the road.
-Someone who loves assisting me in creating the music to my lyrics, and teaching me how they are so freaking good at it!
-Someone who wants to play their own shows, too -- I want to play shows, but it's not all about me (I'm sure you're shocked! Lol). I am excited and grateful to have a travel companion who doesn't want to do everything for me, they simply want to come and jam on their own little tour too, and we are traveling together :)
-Someone who LOVES to travel, enjoys getting their hands dirty and wants to experience everything that the U.S., Canada and Mexico have to offer!
-Someone who is joyful, powerful and vibrant, energetic and loving, creative, fun, talented and inspiring, and feels and exhibits their own worth.
-Someone who LOVES to live.
-Graphic designer(s) - to create fabulous T-shirts and album artwork - that is/are willing to contract their services on the basis of commission-based payment (i.e., I mail to them a large chunk of my profits, as I sell items to which they contributed).
-Someone who loves to experiment with media and marketing, who overcomes the regular physical boundaries of promotion, and works until he/she has the desired result (or even something better) in order to secure venues to play in and create MASSIVE buzz for each performance before we arrive at its corresponding venue.
I love all of us joyfully doing what we are most passionate about in our lives! :) If you fit into any of these categories, please, feel free to shoot me an e-mail! You can do so by clicking here, going to the "Contact Us" page and filling out the form, or by e-mailing directly to couragelovejoy@yahoo.com. Make sure to put "ANT Tour "Someone"" in the subject line.
--Apollo
9.29.2010
Where Are My Viewers From?
This was the count for this week....I just think it is so cool to have so many international readers! :)
United States
105
South Korea
25
Russia
15
Colombia
14
Canada
10
Germany
2
South Africa
2
United Kingdom
1
Hong Kong
1
Latvia
1
Thank you to everyone who reads and subscribes! :D
<3
United States
105
South Korea
25
Russia
15
Colombia
14
Canada
10
Germany
2
South Africa
2
United Kingdom
1
Hong Kong
1
Latvia
1
Thank you to everyone who reads and subscribes! :D
<3
9.22.2010
I am Powerful. Silly me for Forgetting.
As I pointed out in the last blog, I go throughout my day and have many opportunities to tell myself "I am not good enough." And, I don't know 'boutchall but when I do that, unless I catch myself the VERY next moment and reaffirm myself, then I get stuck in that moment, and I live in my negative self-talk. I almost did so about 2 minutes ago.
I decided I wanted to put onto my Facebook a link to one of my songs so that I could share it with all of my loved ones. Because it didn't have a button that said "Attach music file," I thought, "Oh, I can't do it, there's no way I could figure out a way to do it." And I REALLY wanted to share the song so I decided fuck it! I'm beating that negative thought! I said to myself, "Find a way, dammit. You're amazing and intelligent!" So I did. :) I realized I could post it here, and then post my blog link to my Facebook page. THEN, as I was typing that JUST NOW, I realized I don't know how to post a song onto my blog, either, haha!! So, guess what I did. I Googled "How to post a song on Facebook" and man, did I find a bevy of resources! I am actually currently looking through them, to see what will be the best option, Lol. So look forward to my link coming soon on Facebook....HAHA!
(I know this probably all seems so simple, but it is truly amazing to me what I can do when I believe in myself and have 110% determination to accomplish something -- and on the flip side, it is TRULY amazing to me to see what simple things I can't accomplish when I make that momentary choice to think down on myself...)
Loves!
-Apollo
I decided I wanted to put onto my Facebook a link to one of my songs so that I could share it with all of my loved ones. Because it didn't have a button that said "Attach music file," I thought, "Oh, I can't do it, there's no way I could figure out a way to do it." And I REALLY wanted to share the song so I decided fuck it! I'm beating that negative thought! I said to myself, "Find a way, dammit. You're amazing and intelligent!" So I did. :) I realized I could post it here, and then post my blog link to my Facebook page. THEN, as I was typing that JUST NOW, I realized I don't know how to post a song onto my blog, either, haha!! So, guess what I did. I Googled "How to post a song on Facebook" and man, did I find a bevy of resources! I am actually currently looking through them, to see what will be the best option, Lol. So look forward to my link coming soon on Facebook....HAHA!
(I know this probably all seems so simple, but it is truly amazing to me what I can do when I believe in myself and have 110% determination to accomplish something -- and on the flip side, it is TRULY amazing to me to see what simple things I can't accomplish when I make that momentary choice to think down on myself...)
Loves!
-Apollo
9.19.2010
Perfection: A Choice
As I read a friend's blog today, I thought about all the things I say "I'm not enough" for. Just last night I was texting a friend and when she asked me what stops me from loving and accepting my body, I told her all of them. I think there were about 7 in all. And that was just for my body -- this mortal casing! I read through the comments on that friend's blog and people were listing all the ways in which they believe they are not enough for something. I came across one that said "I am not athletic enough to do cross-country" and immediately I thought "Well, that's silly! Part of participating in a sport is learning it (in my beliefs)!" So that person is perfectly enough to do cross-country, as they will learn along the way the best ways in which to stay in shape to continue successfully doing cross-country.
Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.
How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.
Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.
How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.
9.17.2010
ANT: My "Almost Nationwide Tour"
It is my "Almost Nationwide Tour" because I am not visiting West Virginia or Nevada. That's right...those states are so sparse and unnecessary that they are the ONLY states in the entire Union with no perceived value in them. Kudos to those two states. LOL.
AH! I just realized I'm not going to Hawai'i either....but that's just 'cause I can't RV across the ocean. Haha. There would be TONS of value in Hawai'i.....but probably not much musically....mostly just lying on hammocks on the beach without a care in the world.......HAHA!
Following is the list of places I WILL be visiting, playing in, volunteering in and (possibly) working in, beginning January/February 2011 (in order):
Sigh. This feels good. :)
AH! I just realized I'm not going to Hawai'i either....but that's just 'cause I can't RV across the ocean. Haha. There would be TONS of value in Hawai'i.....but probably not much musically....mostly just lying on hammocks on the beach without a care in the world.......HAHA!
Following is the list of places I WILL be visiting, playing in, volunteering in and (possibly) working in, beginning January/February 2011 (in order):
West Jordan, Utah188 locations in all.
Murray, Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
Sundance Festival, Park City, Utah
Sundance Festival, Salt Lake City, Utah
Bountiful, Utah
Ogden, Utah
Logan, Utah
Jackson, Wyoming
Island Park, Idaho
Bozeman, Montana
Coeur D'Alene, Idaho/Spokane, Washington
Seattle, Washington
Bellingham, Washington
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (recreational purposes only)
Seattle, Washington
Portland, Oregon
Salem, Oregon
Newport, Oregon
Crescent City, California
Klamath/Eureka, California (solely for Redwood Nat'l Park purposes)
Santa Rosa, California
Berkeley, California
San Francisco, California (also, stopping at the Getty Museum)
Sacramento/Citrus Heights, California
San Francisco, California
Santa Cruz, California
Monterey, California
San Luis Obispo, California
Santa Barbara, California
Thousand Oaks, California
Malibu, California
Calabasas, California (maybe)
Studio City, California (solely to stop to get TV spots)
Burbank, Californa (solely to stop at Jay Leno's studios and get an impromptu playing)
Hollywood, California
West Hollywood, California (including Park La Brea)
Beverly Hills, California
Century City, California
Santa Monica, California
Venice Beach/Marina Del Rey, California
Redondo Beach, California
Long Beach, California
Huntington Beach, California
Newport Beach, California
Laguna Beach, California
San Clemente or Oceanside, California
San Diego, California
Tijuana, Mexico.......for obvious purposes..... :D
Yuma, Arizona
Gila Bend, Arizona (maybe)
Puerto Penasco, Mexico
Tucson, Arizona
Phoenix, Arizona
Flagstaff, Arizona
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Juarez, Mexico (maybe)
San Antonio, Texas
Austin, Texas
Houston, Texas
Lafayette, Louisiana
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
New Orleans, Louisiana
Vicksburg, Mississippi
Birmingham or Montgomery, Alabama
Atlanta, Georgia
Tallahassee area, Florida
Homosassa, Florida (yes, JUST because of the name)
Tampa, Florida
Apollo Beach, Florida (YES! THE NAME!) :D
Cape Coral, Florida
Sanibel Island, Florida
Barefoot Beach, Florida (you gotta check that shit out, right?)
Naples, Florida
Miami/Miami Beach, Florida
Key West, Florida
Nassau/Nicholls Town, Bahamas
West Palm Beach, Florida
Orlando, Florida
Daytona Beach, Florida
Jacksonville, Florida
Savannah, Georgia
Charleston, South Carolina
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Sumter, South Carolina
Raleigh, North Carolina
Richmond/Mechanicsville, Virginia
Washington, D.C.
Baltimore, Maryland
Annapolis, Maryland
Dover, Delaware
New Castle/Wilmington Manor, Delaware
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Soho/Chinatown, NYC, New York
Coney Island, New York
Brooklyn, New York
East Village/NYU/Meat Packing District, NYC, New York
Wall Street/Times Square, New York
Central Park, NYC, New York
Manhattan/Harlem, NYC, New York
Mt. Vernon/Yonkers, New York
Stamford, Connecticut
New Haven, Connecticut
Hartford, Connecticut
Cranston, Rhode Island
Providence/East Providence, Rhode Island
Somerset, Massachusetts
Boston, Massachusetts
Manchester, New Hampshire
Concord, New Hampshire
Portland, Maine
Deer Isle, Maine
Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Burlington, Vermont
Montpelier, Vermont
Syracuse, New York
Rochester, New York
Buffalo, New York
The Niagara Falls
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
The Niagara Falls
Erie, Pennsylvania
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Youngstown, Ohio
Akron, Ohio
Cleveland, Ohio
Toledo, Ohio
Detroit, Michigan
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Dayton, Ohio
Columbus, Ohio
Cincinnati, Ohio
Lexington, Kentucky
Knoxville, Tennessee
Nashville, Tennessee
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Indianapolis, Indiana
Gary, Indiana (maybe)
Chicago, Illinois
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Duluth, Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Peoria, Illinois
Decatur, Illinois
St. Louis, Missouri
Memphis, Tennessee
Little Rock, Arkansas
Branson, Missouri
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Witchita, Kansas
Topeka, Kansas
Tonganoxie, Kansas
Kansas City, Missouri
Independence, Missouri
Des Moines, Iowa
Omaha, Nebraska
Lincoln, Nebraska
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Pierre, South Dakota
Rapid City, South Dakota
Mt. Rushmore, Keystone, South Dakota
Dickinson, North Dakota
Billings, Montana
Casper, Wyoming
Cheyenne, Wyoming
Laramie, Wyoming
Fort Collins, Colorado
Denver, Colorado
Littleton, Colorado
Grand Junction, Colorado
Arches National Park/Moab, Utah
Green River, Utah
Price/Helper, Utah
Duchesne, Utah
Park City, Utah
Brigham City, Utah
Twin Falls, Idaho
Boise, Idaho
Kennewick, Washington
Yakima, Washington
Seattle, Washington
Everett, Washington
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada
Chilliwack, British Columbia, Canada
Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada
Clinton, British Columbia, Canada
Prince George, British Columbia, Canada
Vanderhoof, British Columbia, Canada
Houston, British Columbia, Canada
Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada
Ketchikan, Alaska
Juneau, Alaska
Skagway, Alaska
Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada
Haines Junction, Yukon, Canada
Silver City, Yukon, Canada
Dry Creek/Snag Junction, Yukon, Canada
Northway Junction, Alaska
Tok, Alaska
Fort Greely/Delta Junction, Alaska
North Pole/Fairbanks, Alaska
Wasilla, Alaska
Anchorage, Alaska
McGrath, Alaska
Nulato or Galena, Alaska
Koyuk, Alaska
White Mountain, Alaska
Nome, Alaska
Wales, Alaska
Anchorage, Alaska
Glennallen, Alaska
Jasper, Alberta, Canada
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
Great Falls, Montana
Helena, Montana
Butte, Montana
Island Park, Idaho
Rexburg/Rigby, Idaho
Idaho Falls, Idaho
Pocatello, Idaho
Garden City, Bear Lake, Utah
Logan, Utah
Eden, Utah
Antelope Island
Sugarhouse, Utah
American Fork/Lehi, Utah
Orem, Utah
Provo, Utah
Draper/Sandy, Utah
West Jordan, Utah
Sigh. This feels good. :)
The Village!
Many of you may have noticed my previous post, which discusses my vision of RV'ing the country doing acts of service, singing my songs in random places, and doing day labor in different cities across the U.S. (And if you haven't yet read that, go check it out and then come back to this post.)
Well, I was just turned on to this online service, and I dig it. I plan to build a "village" and participate as needed in order to secure my funding for this vision I have. I ask you to join my "village."
What I am asking is clear (and I have posted links that can assist you in getting even clearer beforehand): Check out the links, join my "Varolo Village," watch ten minutes of videos every day to casually make money for yourself, and assist me in making money for myself without having to rely on funds from you personally! To ME, it sounds like a great idea...a great chance for me to be able to accomplish my dreams, and for you to be able to earn money while feeling good about assisting me as well.
Number One: It is a sort of MLM, HOWEVER (and this is a HUGE "however") it does not seem like it is out to fuck anyone over. It is completely free to join, there's nothing you have to order or pay for in fact....none of that regular MLM B.S.....the payout system is simply set up like a pyramid such that we can share and assist one another in getting money. Check out the following link to get the EXACT details:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/VaroloComp.html
(BTW, the video is a little long, but it is really worth watching the whole thing because it is very informative, honest and clear)
Now, if you want more information on the service itself, go to this link and watch this video:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/Varolo12Min.html
(Honestly, I didn't see much value in this one because it is just like a longer version of what is told to you on the sign up page, and it didn't add anything really important to my decision-making factors. And honestly, this is really only about making money really easily, for all of us, so the more important video is the one I posted first :)
Number Two: I ask that those who are interested sign-up, and be active, so that we can all assist one another in making money. And if you end up getting uninterested, then un-sign-up! LOL. It's ridiculously easy, the whole thing. And that is all that I am asking. Nothing else. It's that simple, uncomplicated, and value-oriented.
To sign up in my "village," and possibly even begin one of your OWN, follow this link: http://www.varolo.com/d/node/12?id=elnaevrtre%40lnubb.pbz
Thank you ahead of time. This is a huge step for me in advancing my biggest life-long dream, as outlined in my previous Note. Seriously: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Loves,
Apollo!
P.S. -- please discuss any questions, comments, etc. here so I know my feedback :) Thanks!
Well, I was just turned on to this online service, and I dig it. I plan to build a "village" and participate as needed in order to secure my funding for this vision I have. I ask you to join my "village."
What I am asking is clear (and I have posted links that can assist you in getting even clearer beforehand): Check out the links, join my "Varolo Village," watch ten minutes of videos every day to casually make money for yourself, and assist me in making money for myself without having to rely on funds from you personally! To ME, it sounds like a great idea...a great chance for me to be able to accomplish my dreams, and for you to be able to earn money while feeling good about assisting me as well.
Number One: It is a sort of MLM, HOWEVER (and this is a HUGE "however") it does not seem like it is out to fuck anyone over. It is completely free to join, there's nothing you have to order or pay for in fact....none of that regular MLM B.S.....the payout system is simply set up like a pyramid such that we can share and assist one another in getting money. Check out the following link to get the EXACT details:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/VaroloComp.html
(BTW, the video is a little long, but it is really worth watching the whole thing because it is very informative, honest and clear)
Now, if you want more information on the service itself, go to this link and watch this video:
http://blog.varolo.com/flash/Varolo12Min.html
(Honestly, I didn't see much value in this one because it is just like a longer version of what is told to you on the sign up page, and it didn't add anything really important to my decision-making factors. And honestly, this is really only about making money really easily, for all of us, so the more important video is the one I posted first :)
Number Two: I ask that those who are interested sign-up, and be active, so that we can all assist one another in making money. And if you end up getting uninterested, then un-sign-up! LOL. It's ridiculously easy, the whole thing. And that is all that I am asking. Nothing else. It's that simple, uncomplicated, and value-oriented.
To sign up in my "village," and possibly even begin one of your OWN, follow this link: http://www.varolo.com/d/node/12?id=elnaevrtre%40lnubb.pbz
Thank you ahead of time. This is a huge step for me in advancing my biggest life-long dream, as outlined in my previous Note. Seriously: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Loves,
Apollo!
P.S. -- please discuss any questions, comments, etc. here so I know my feedback :) Thanks!
9.16.2010
I'm RV'ing Across the United States, Giving Music, Service & Worth
1) I am getting with Shawn Saunders, Justan Peterson & Jordan Beckstead to make music to my lyrics.
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
9.10.2010
Why I Should Forgive Me
I need to start forgiving myself. Because I don't, I hurt. And I continue to pile up negative thoughts about myself and my choices, and I continue to hurt. I fall into deep depression, and the only time I ever feel like I can actually breathe is when I get just above the tip of the water -- to a place where I don't fully believe in my pain, but I definitely don't believe in my joy, either. I've experienced what I believe to be pure joy possibly 3 times in my life thus far. And it is because I am too far into my own asshole of depression to feel anything else. One step I've identified today as a possible way to change this and start feeling REAL joy more often is to forgive myself for the "mistakes" I've made. Noticing that any "failure" was just a chance I took, and noticing why it may have turned out as a failure. I will never KNOW why it was a failure, but I can do my best to guess at why, subsequently teaching myself what does and what does not bring me joy. Let's see if it works.
*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.
*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.
9.07.2010
Hi. I'm beautiful.
How often do any of us go up to someone and introduce ourselves as such? I'd wager never. How often do any of us go up to someone we're meeting and even THINK that? I'd wager not quite often...I know I often don't.
And I feel beautiful, REALLY beautiful right now. And it doesn't feel quite fleeting.
Now, every time I meet someone new, I will shake their hand and say. "Hi, I'm Apollo!" and inside I will think "I am beautiful" or "...and god I'm gorgeous!!" and really feel it as I shake their hand. How might that feel to get a handshake from someone who truly knows and feels their worth and their beauty and emanates it??? Well, we will see, won't we?! Lol
And I feel beautiful, REALLY beautiful right now. And it doesn't feel quite fleeting.
Now, every time I meet someone new, I will shake their hand and say. "Hi, I'm Apollo!" and inside I will think "I am beautiful" or "...and god I'm gorgeous!!" and really feel it as I shake their hand. How might that feel to get a handshake from someone who truly knows and feels their worth and their beauty and emanates it??? Well, we will see, won't we?! Lol
9.02.2010
8.26.2010
Birthday Blog!!
I know, my birthday is not OFFICIALLY until tomorrow, but I am just so excited for it!!!! :D This is the first birthday I've actually been excited for since I was, like, 5 maybe? I can't even remember. I remember I always looooovvvved Christmas, 'cause I got presents AND I got to see all my loved ones open their presents, too, and I always felt like my birthday was nothing special, and I half-wished that others would be getting presents on my birthday too.
This year, my birthday is all about me :) Yes, I will be spending it with all of my closest, dearest friends, and I will be having a raucous time around a bunch of other people, but it is my first conscious self-birth day. I am finally celebrating all that is me...no rejecting, not denying, no deflecting or lying, I am embracing all that is about me and taking it to the extreme :) So, yeah....HELLA excited!!! :D
Anyhow, I love this song by Switchfoot! This past year as I've been listening to it, I've felt it is so apropos as I culminate my 24th year here (I count being in the womb as a year of life, so technically, I feel that this birthday is the culmination of my 24th year, though I know in the "real world," I must continue to label myself as only 24 :)
Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLagfciU_PU
And the lyrics are posted below...enjoy! :)
This year, my birthday is all about me :) Yes, I will be spending it with all of my closest, dearest friends, and I will be having a raucous time around a bunch of other people, but it is my first conscious self-birth day. I am finally celebrating all that is me...no rejecting, not denying, no deflecting or lying, I am embracing all that is about me and taking it to the extreme :) So, yeah....HELLA excited!!! :D
Anyhow, I love this song by Switchfoot! This past year as I've been listening to it, I've felt it is so apropos as I culminate my 24th year here (I count being in the womb as a year of life, so technically, I feel that this birthday is the culmination of my 24th year, though I know in the "real world," I must continue to label myself as only 24 :)
Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLagfciU_PU
And the lyrics are posted below...enjoy! :)
"24"
by Switchfoot
Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
Twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty-four dropouts
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."
There's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty-four strong
See I'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh, I am the second man
Oh, oh, I am the second man now
Oh, oh, I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,
You're raising the dead in me."
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me
I wanna see miracles, see the world change...
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name,
For more than a feeling,
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,"
And You're raising the dead in me.
Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts.
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms..."
Yeah, I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not, not copping out.
8.24.2010
Pandora's Box
I've been playing in my relationships in a self-constructed box of drama and lies. I believed that if I could control everything in a relationship (and if not, then at least everyONE), then I would be in a successful relationship because I wouldn't be manipulated, therefore I wouldn't be hurt. But here's the clincher: I'm the one who decided that manipulation = pain. But it doesn't. Well, it does, but ONLY if I tell myself that story. If I don't believe that thought, then it doesn't hurt. Um, hi, Freedom, I have finally met thee. I came to this conclusion as I listened to Missy Higgins's song "Steer" and the following lyrics hit it home the deepest:
I've spun out in these circles ever since my dad left, out of nowhere, absolutely a surprise. If he could leave out of nowhere, so could someone else -- unless I actively spent all my energy on preventing them from doing so. At this young age, I didn't realize he left because he CHOSE to. Though I blamed myself, it had nothing to do with me. His choice (and subsequent choices to further push himself away from his past life) were indications to me in my developmental stages that I was sick, bad and wrong and wasn't doing enough to keep him around. And I wouldn't have this again. I would manage every relationship from that point forward to ensure that they did not leave until I was ready, at which point I would fiercely push them away.
I went on a couple dates with this guy recently, and I fell hard. He didn't trust me, and so I went into control mode. "I want to make SURE he learns he can trust me! I want to be the one who saves him from the darkness he is currently experiencing, and then when I do that, he will want to be with me forever because I am sooooo full of light!" (Yes, I too am gagging at these thoughts as I see them in the light of truth). And what happened was my efforts pushed him away because he didn't want to be controlled. My attempts to control the situation came off as (and I now see that they really were) attempts to control HIM, and he wanted none of that, so I pushed him further and further from trusting me. How beautiful is the irony of life?
So now I am analyzing myself and my actions, to see what I can learn from them. And what I have learned is that I need to just BE. I can just be me, and still be safe. I don't need to keep my guard up, thinking someone will disappear, and then prove my beliefs right by pushing the person away. I can just trust that as I engage with him (or anyone else for that matter), that life will continue to be life just as it always has been, and that I can go with the flow of it without freaking out that the other shoe is going to drop. Because WHAT IF it drops? What if all these things I'm afraid of actually DO happen? With certainty, some of them will happen because they are aspects of life.
But it is no longer about controlling life. I see now that I have constructed this box, and it is time for me to step out of it. In this way, I can be my true potential and trust myself and trust others and enjoy life. So here we go and we'll see what happens! :D
It was always simple, not hidden hardIt's like she was speaking directly to me in this moment, and I took on those lyrics as a part of me in order to reflect back to myself how I behave. Long have I been manipulating and "controlling" others -- lying to myself that I am controlling them, when such a thing is not possible, because we are ALL granted with agency, and I do not hold a more powerful version of agency than anyone else holds, though I've long told myself I do.
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
Though you control where you go,
You can't steer
I've spun out in these circles ever since my dad left, out of nowhere, absolutely a surprise. If he could leave out of nowhere, so could someone else -- unless I actively spent all my energy on preventing them from doing so. At this young age, I didn't realize he left because he CHOSE to. Though I blamed myself, it had nothing to do with me. His choice (and subsequent choices to further push himself away from his past life) were indications to me in my developmental stages that I was sick, bad and wrong and wasn't doing enough to keep him around. And I wouldn't have this again. I would manage every relationship from that point forward to ensure that they did not leave until I was ready, at which point I would fiercely push them away.
I went on a couple dates with this guy recently, and I fell hard. He didn't trust me, and so I went into control mode. "I want to make SURE he learns he can trust me! I want to be the one who saves him from the darkness he is currently experiencing, and then when I do that, he will want to be with me forever because I am sooooo full of light!" (Yes, I too am gagging at these thoughts as I see them in the light of truth). And what happened was my efforts pushed him away because he didn't want to be controlled. My attempts to control the situation came off as (and I now see that they really were) attempts to control HIM, and he wanted none of that, so I pushed him further and further from trusting me. How beautiful is the irony of life?
So now I am analyzing myself and my actions, to see what I can learn from them. And what I have learned is that I need to just BE. I can just be me, and still be safe. I don't need to keep my guard up, thinking someone will disappear, and then prove my beliefs right by pushing the person away. I can just trust that as I engage with him (or anyone else for that matter), that life will continue to be life just as it always has been, and that I can go with the flow of it without freaking out that the other shoe is going to drop. Because WHAT IF it drops? What if all these things I'm afraid of actually DO happen? With certainty, some of them will happen because they are aspects of life.
But it is no longer about controlling life. I see now that I have constructed this box, and it is time for me to step out of it. In this way, I can be my true potential and trust myself and trust others and enjoy life. So here we go and we'll see what happens! :D
Walking On The Moon
"Walking On The Moon"
by Apollo Leonidas
I'm walking tonight
Alone again
I'm walking outside
Remembering you and the things you said.
I want you, I desperately feel you
But you are gone.
And I am weak,
I am wrong.
I'm walking again tonight,
But this time with no beauty by my side.
The bushes glare at my
Loneliness, my fear and my hurt inside.
The dark feels deep when you're not around.
The tears sting, rolling silently down.
The moon is loud, it quiets the stars
Their light can't be seen this far.
Much like yours to my eyes,
We shade ourselves in fear.
We stab, we run, and we fly.
No closer do we get when we try to steer.
I hear that I am missed.
No one respects a liar.
I lie here: churning, hurting, dying...
You lie there: scared, sad, wasting your gifts.
No one respects a predator.
You hear nothing but lying.
I'm walking again,
Wishing you were with me.
And I write these words, Hoping
You won't come.
I'm begging, alone tonight,
Knees in the grass, bent to love.
Your face stays clean,
Your voice remains quiet.
You are like this late winter breeze
And you wear Robert Frost well.
I see your heart so you hang me
By my tongue and my heart swells.
And I'm walking alone again tonight.
I search for warmth, somewhere to call home.
I seek and don't find. You don't seek and don't find.
Maybe there's really nothing out there, just the lonely road.
Tonight, I will just walk.
I will wish for the best, as I close my eyes.
The night remains dark;
The moon shuts off its light.
by Apollo Leonidas
I'm walking tonight
Alone again
I'm walking outside
Remembering you and the things you said.
I want you, I desperately feel you
But you are gone.
And I am weak,
I am wrong.
I'm walking again tonight,
But this time with no beauty by my side.
The bushes glare at my
Loneliness, my fear and my hurt inside.
The dark feels deep when you're not around.
The tears sting, rolling silently down.
The moon is loud, it quiets the stars
Their light can't be seen this far.
Much like yours to my eyes,
We shade ourselves in fear.
We stab, we run, and we fly.
No closer do we get when we try to steer.
I hear that I am missed.
No one respects a liar.
I lie here: churning, hurting, dying...
You lie there: scared, sad, wasting your gifts.
No one respects a predator.
You hear nothing but lying.
I'm walking again,
Wishing you were with me.
And I write these words, Hoping
You won't come.
I'm begging, alone tonight,
Knees in the grass, bent to love.
Your face stays clean,
Your voice remains quiet.
You are like this late winter breeze
And you wear Robert Frost well.
I see your heart so you hang me
By my tongue and my heart swells.
And I'm walking alone again tonight.
I search for warmth, somewhere to call home.
I seek and don't find. You don't seek and don't find.
Maybe there's really nothing out there, just the lonely road.
Tonight, I will just walk.
I will wish for the best, as I close my eyes.
The night remains dark;
The moon shuts off its light.
8.18.2010
Raw...
I want what I want and I want it now. That is me. :)
I learned last night that I put up A LOT of walls, and a lot of barriers to who I am, even some (still) unconsciously, and I only allow certain people to see certain things, in order to control my world and manipulate those I love...So I'm letting them down and I'm going to tell you all who I am right now.
I have a car whose brake pads are about to go out in 2 days and I have no money to get this taken care of. Yet I still drive it cuz I "need" to, and I don't let anyone know about it because it's something I don't feel like I can surmount alone, so I don't anyone to see that I'm a failure.
I have no financial stability right now and I am trying to make a way for myself in this world, and I feel that not only are all the odds stacked against me, but also that NO ONE is willing to support me in any manner. And my friends continue to prove this right.
I have no friends who I feel really deeply care about me and would go to the absolute wall for me if I ever needed them. I have one friend who I think would go 90% of the way to the wall and would then be too scared to go any further with me, and I feel that every other friend would go about 30% with/for me. That is simply not enough for me. I can't be 70+% of my relationships, it's give and receive and give back, not give and take people.
I feel really disheartened and in despair and disappointed and completely unsupported right now. I hate that I see so many other people being drama and giving each other their bullshit and their friends and family accept it, support them in it, and then do anything they possibly can to assist them through life, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to live an honest, fulfilling, loving, giving life, and no one supports me in it and in fact, day-by-day backs away from me and is unwilling to give me ANY support. I have no one who is willing to listen to me cry, I have no one who has any answers for me, and I have no one who is willing to step up and say "You know what, you're really struggling right now, so let me take this burden for you right now. It's okay, I love you." And I'm sick because of it.
The End.
I learned last night that I put up A LOT of walls, and a lot of barriers to who I am, even some (still) unconsciously, and I only allow certain people to see certain things, in order to control my world and manipulate those I love...So I'm letting them down and I'm going to tell you all who I am right now.
I have a car whose brake pads are about to go out in 2 days and I have no money to get this taken care of. Yet I still drive it cuz I "need" to, and I don't let anyone know about it because it's something I don't feel like I can surmount alone, so I don't anyone to see that I'm a failure.
I have no financial stability right now and I am trying to make a way for myself in this world, and I feel that not only are all the odds stacked against me, but also that NO ONE is willing to support me in any manner. And my friends continue to prove this right.
I have no friends who I feel really deeply care about me and would go to the absolute wall for me if I ever needed them. I have one friend who I think would go 90% of the way to the wall and would then be too scared to go any further with me, and I feel that every other friend would go about 30% with/for me. That is simply not enough for me. I can't be 70+% of my relationships, it's give and receive and give back, not give and take people.
I feel really disheartened and in despair and disappointed and completely unsupported right now. I hate that I see so many other people being drama and giving each other their bullshit and their friends and family accept it, support them in it, and then do anything they possibly can to assist them through life, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to live an honest, fulfilling, loving, giving life, and no one supports me in it and in fact, day-by-day backs away from me and is unwilling to give me ANY support. I have no one who is willing to listen to me cry, I have no one who has any answers for me, and I have no one who is willing to step up and say "You know what, you're really struggling right now, so let me take this burden for you right now. It's okay, I love you." And I'm sick because of it.
The End.
8.17.2010
Living Through White-Colored Glasses
I am realizing how DEEPLY I deserve to fill my life with things that bring me joy and fun instead of darkness and despair.
I notice that throughout my whole life, I have given myself misery because I felt I deserved only darkness. But now, I've learned to love myself, and I am applying my lessons. I am being in self-worth and love. As a result, I see light all around me. I see my aura, and it is a beautiful white. Sometimes the lining does not project as far out as other days, and sometimes it does, but the outside band of it is grey instead of white. But it is no longer pure darkness.
I noticed today that this is happening because I am more joyful. The more joyful I feel, the wider the circumference of my aura stretches, until it fills up an entire room and extends past the ceiling, as I lie in bed.
As I've many times lain in bed filled with darkness, with a dank, black, gunky aura stretching to the ceiling and beyond, I was able to decide today what the difference between the black aura and the white aura is. As I mentioned before, it is my amount of joy. One way I've procured darkness in my life as been to fill my life with despair. To fill my life with things that make me unhappy, miserable, angry, self-hating, pain and many other dark-spirit emotions. I did this to keep me stuck, I recognize that now. The things I used to fill myself with darkness include: alcohol, judgment, hatred, lying to others, lying to myself, hiding my fears from myself, angry music, bitchiness, violence, irresponsibility, shame/guilt, spending money on things I "should" spend it on, doing things in life that I "should" do instead of what I purely want to do whether or not it seems appropriate or mature, paralysis via fear of failure.
As I remember how I lay in bed on Sunday filling the room with my whiteness and experiencing that feeling, I realized I have such an expansive aura because I am choosing to experience joy in life. I am procuring light in my life in order to be successful, to feel happy and to fill my life with things that make me happy, calm, joyous, honesty, self-love and love for everyone else. I used to look at people and judge them and build up SO much anger based simply on MY OWN judgment...as if they had perpetrated a spiritual crime against me just by existing. Now, I am teaching myself how much I absolutely LOVE to notice those same differences and quirks I used to judge and instead see them as SO beautiful. And I know this could sound like fake mumbo-jumbo rhetoric, and I know in the past I used to write about myself more whimsically and hype my spiritual progression...but this is honest and beautiful. I giggle so much now -- probably, like, 70% of my life now -- because I am absolutely tickled by how sweet everyone in the world truly is. It's a feeling to experience, not explain. :)
So, over the next year, I will be actively and purposely researching what experiences bring more joy into my life. Here is a preemptive list of things I will experience, as I believe they will bring joy into my life:
1. Sky diving
2. SCUBA diving
3. Learning ballet
4. Dating
5. Eating delicious food, and trying new delicious foods
6. Meditating
7. Yoga
8. Hiking
9. Spending lots of time with my friends!
10. Learning
11. Learning foreign languages (ASL and Italian to start with)
12. Writing music and lyrics
13. Drinking wine
14. Dancing
15. Smiling
16. Hugging others and expressing the depth of my love to them
17. Blogging
18. Serving
19. Going on random road trips with friends
20. Drinking coffee
21. Loving me
I notice that throughout my whole life, I have given myself misery because I felt I deserved only darkness. But now, I've learned to love myself, and I am applying my lessons. I am being in self-worth and love. As a result, I see light all around me. I see my aura, and it is a beautiful white. Sometimes the lining does not project as far out as other days, and sometimes it does, but the outside band of it is grey instead of white. But it is no longer pure darkness.
I noticed today that this is happening because I am more joyful. The more joyful I feel, the wider the circumference of my aura stretches, until it fills up an entire room and extends past the ceiling, as I lie in bed.
As I've many times lain in bed filled with darkness, with a dank, black, gunky aura stretching to the ceiling and beyond, I was able to decide today what the difference between the black aura and the white aura is. As I mentioned before, it is my amount of joy. One way I've procured darkness in my life as been to fill my life with despair. To fill my life with things that make me unhappy, miserable, angry, self-hating, pain and many other dark-spirit emotions. I did this to keep me stuck, I recognize that now. The things I used to fill myself with darkness include: alcohol, judgment, hatred, lying to others, lying to myself, hiding my fears from myself, angry music, bitchiness, violence, irresponsibility, shame/guilt, spending money on things I "should" spend it on, doing things in life that I "should" do instead of what I purely want to do whether or not it seems appropriate or mature, paralysis via fear of failure.
As I remember how I lay in bed on Sunday filling the room with my whiteness and experiencing that feeling, I realized I have such an expansive aura because I am choosing to experience joy in life. I am procuring light in my life in order to be successful, to feel happy and to fill my life with things that make me happy, calm, joyous, honesty, self-love and love for everyone else. I used to look at people and judge them and build up SO much anger based simply on MY OWN judgment...as if they had perpetrated a spiritual crime against me just by existing. Now, I am teaching myself how much I absolutely LOVE to notice those same differences and quirks I used to judge and instead see them as SO beautiful. And I know this could sound like fake mumbo-jumbo rhetoric, and I know in the past I used to write about myself more whimsically and hype my spiritual progression...but this is honest and beautiful. I giggle so much now -- probably, like, 70% of my life now -- because I am absolutely tickled by how sweet everyone in the world truly is. It's a feeling to experience, not explain. :)
So, over the next year, I will be actively and purposely researching what experiences bring more joy into my life. Here is a preemptive list of things I will experience, as I believe they will bring joy into my life:
1. Sky diving
2. SCUBA diving
3. Learning ballet
4. Dating
5. Eating delicious food, and trying new delicious foods
6. Meditating
7. Yoga
8. Hiking
9. Spending lots of time with my friends!
10. Learning
11. Learning foreign languages (ASL and Italian to start with)
12. Writing music and lyrics
13. Drinking wine
14. Dancing
15. Smiling
16. Hugging others and expressing the depth of my love to them
17. Blogging
18. Serving
19. Going on random road trips with friends
20. Drinking coffee
21. Loving me
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Today, I feel REALLY weird. The last couple of days, I have been totally high, feeling like I can do anything in the world, and as of yesterday, that feeling started to spiral down, and today it has officially crashed. While I am in my shit today, I see clearly. I see I am in my shit, and I see pathways I could take to get out of it, and I am still fearing that if I move in a direction, it will be the wrong direction and I will be worse off than where I came from.
And so what if that's true? What would happen if I make a move and I fail utterly? Well, I am telling myself that all my friends would leave me, and so would my family, and I would be homeless and without any money or food or love in this world. And I'd either die physically or spiritually. Okay, so what if that happens? I'll be dead. Which will happen in about 60 years or less anyhow. So why is it SUCH a big deal to me if I die now? Because I want to live every single moment, because I've wasted so much of my life (I feel). And if I die RIGHT NOW, then I will be missing out on future moments I could experience. But this moment is not about worrying about future moments. It is about living in the current moment. I want to say it is also about looking forward to the happiness in future moments, but that is really just my Ego Self trying to get back into my current moment by inveigling itself in optimism and happiness. Life is about living in the current moment, this moment, until I can no longer. And then moving on to the next moment. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. :)
And so what if that's true? What would happen if I make a move and I fail utterly? Well, I am telling myself that all my friends would leave me, and so would my family, and I would be homeless and without any money or food or love in this world. And I'd either die physically or spiritually. Okay, so what if that happens? I'll be dead. Which will happen in about 60 years or less anyhow. So why is it SUCH a big deal to me if I die now? Because I want to live every single moment, because I've wasted so much of my life (I feel). And if I die RIGHT NOW, then I will be missing out on future moments I could experience. But this moment is not about worrying about future moments. It is about living in the current moment. I want to say it is also about looking forward to the happiness in future moments, but that is really just my Ego Self trying to get back into my current moment by inveigling itself in optimism and happiness. Life is about living in the current moment, this moment, until I can no longer. And then moving on to the next moment. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. :)
8.13.2010
Birthday Gift Ideas!! :D (Part Two)
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/plaid-tweed-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/donny-miller-slip-on.html
Shoes *I like the purple ones MOST, but I like all three of the styles, so you can't go wrong here! :)*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tri-binding-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/herringbone-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/mastodon-blood-mountain-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/vs-archive-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/harrigan-plaid-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/psyc-poster-authentic.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/twill-authentic.html
Shoes *Favorite is the Wine color*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/check-jacquard-era.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/vintage-surf-era.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tiny-houndstooth-106-vulcanized.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/rasta-reprisal-prison-issue-23.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/harrigan-plaid-zapato-del-barco.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/donny-miller-slip-on.html
Shoes *I like the purple ones MOST, but I like all three of the styles, so you can't go wrong here! :)*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tri-binding-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/herringbone-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/mastodon-blood-mountain-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/vs-archive-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/harrigan-plaid-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/psyc-poster-authentic.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/twill-authentic.html
Shoes *Favorite is the Wine color*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/check-jacquard-era.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/vintage-surf-era.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tiny-houndstooth-106-vulcanized.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/rasta-reprisal-prison-issue-23.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/harrigan-plaid-zapato-del-barco.html
Birthday Gift Ideas!! :D (Part One)
As I mentioned on FaceBook, I had a LONG list of delicious desires for my day of birth....so, i decided to list them all here instead of plugging up all of your FaceBook News Feeds....how considerate of me, right?... :) I think I deserve a reward for that consideration............ HAHA
Anyhow, here's the list:
Fandango Gift Cards: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Fandango-Bucks-50?ideaID=8394&prodID=84301
Automatic Tie Rack: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Automatic-Tie-Rack?ideaID=10939&prodID=336345
Personalized Black Leather Pad-folio: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Personalized-Black-Leather-Padfolio-with-FREE-Pen-by-Things-Remembered?ideaID=2155&prodID=231867
Cuff Links: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Banana-Republic-Plaid-Disk-Cuff-Link?ideaID=5500&prodID=309090
Travel-Sized Steam Iron: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Steam-Bug-Travel-Steam-Iron?ideaID=189&prodID=297831
Espresso Machine: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nespresso-CitiZ-Espresso-Machine?ideaID=1099&prodID=306102
Personalized Luggage Tags: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Large-Luggage-Tag-Red-with-white-letters-Grandin-Road?ideaID=5448&prodID=322891 *** Remember to put "APOLLO" :)
Over-Ear Book Light! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Effortless-Over-Ear-Book-Light?ideaID=3336&prodID=116256
Bracelet: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/record-cuff-bracelet?ideaID=8764&prodID=97013
Tree-to-be Kit: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Ginkgo-Tree-to-be-Kit?ideaID=8710&prodID=164313
Portable Solar-Powered Electronics Charger! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/L-L-Bean-Sol-Jus-Solar-Charger-Flashlight?ideaID=7297&prodID=240767
Camelback: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Camelbak-Lobo-Hydration-Pack?ideaID=7977&prodID=131641
Well, on this one, if you really know me, you know I don't actually want the underwear at all.....Lol: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Polo-Ralph-Lauren-Signature-Button-Boxer-Brief?ideaID=7118&prodID=218122
Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Blue-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355729
Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-White-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355731
Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Black-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355727
Healthy Food Gift Basket: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Mini-Healthy-Gift-Basket?ideaID=158&prodID=291943
A Rainforest Tree: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Standard-Tree-Kit?ideaID=14063&prodID=329829
Book: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/At-The-Table-Of-Want-Books-?ideaID=8790&prodID=340439
DVD: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/An-Inconvenient-Truth-DVD-?ideaID=8962&prodID=92768
Mint: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Bamboo-Grow-Pot-Mint?ideaID=3252&prodID=335589
Tent: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Big-Agnes-Lynx-Pass-4-Person-Tent?ideaID=14329&prodID=345329
Another (Better?) Solar Charger: http://www.amazon.com/Solar-Gorilla-Laptop-Charger/dp/B001M55B10/ref=pd_sbs_a_2
Sleeping Bag Sleeping Pad: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/THERM-A-REST-Ridge-Rest-Sleeping-Pad-Regular?ideaID=14331&prodID=345355
Sleeping Bag: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Cabelas-Adam-Eve-Ultra-Deluxe-II-Sleeping-Bag?ideaID=14331&prodID=345339
Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-striper-slip-on-khaki-plaid
Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-largo-slip-on-salt-washed-green
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/core-skate-shoes/suede_canvas-era-pro-men.html?experimentId=&testElementId=&cm_mmc=eSpots-_-08062010-_-EraPro-_-suede_canvas_pro
Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/ted-baker-avenay-white
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/joel-tudor-srpls-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/joel-tudor-106-sf-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/organic-canvas-rata-plus-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/hemp-authentic-jute-sf-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/sea-captain-men.html
Shoes *In the "Pink, Leprechaun and Bittersweet Orange colors only*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/checkerboard-era.html#variation-4
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/suede-slip-on.html#variation-0
Shoes *These ones in any of the colors*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tm-plaid-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/kiss-hotter-than-hell-slip-on.html
Shoes *In either design of this type*: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=665284&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-1
Shoes *These in Green or Blue designs: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=697020&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-2
Shoes *In either design*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/multi-palm-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/scozia-plaid-slip-on.html#variation-0
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/barton-plaid-slip-on.html#variation-1
Anyhow, here's the list:
Fandango Gift Cards: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Fandango-Bucks-50?ideaID=8394&prodID=84301
Automatic Tie Rack: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Automatic-Tie-Rack?ideaID=10939&prodID=336345
Personalized Black Leather Pad-folio: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Personalized-Black-Leather-Padfolio-with-FREE-Pen-by-Things-Remembered?ideaID=2155&prodID=231867
Cuff Links: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Banana-Republic-Plaid-Disk-Cuff-Link?ideaID=5500&prodID=309090
Travel-Sized Steam Iron: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Steam-Bug-Travel-Steam-Iron?ideaID=189&prodID=297831
Espresso Machine: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nespresso-CitiZ-Espresso-Machine?ideaID=1099&prodID=306102
Personalized Luggage Tags: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Large-Luggage-Tag-Red-with-white-letters-Grandin-Road?ideaID=5448&prodID=322891 *** Remember to put "APOLLO" :)
Over-Ear Book Light! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Effortless-Over-Ear-Book-Light?ideaID=3336&prodID=116256
Bracelet: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/record-cuff-bracelet?ideaID=8764&prodID=97013
Tree-to-be Kit: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Ginkgo-Tree-to-be-Kit?ideaID=8710&prodID=164313
Portable Solar-Powered Electronics Charger! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/L-L-Bean-Sol-Jus-Solar-Charger-Flashlight?ideaID=7297&prodID=240767
Camelback: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Camelbak-Lobo-Hydration-Pack?ideaID=7977&prodID=131641
Well, on this one, if you really know me, you know I don't actually want the underwear at all.....Lol: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Polo-Ralph-Lauren-Signature-Button-Boxer-Brief?ideaID=7118&prodID=218122
Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Blue-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355729
Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-White-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355731
Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Black-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355727
Healthy Food Gift Basket: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Mini-Healthy-Gift-Basket?ideaID=158&prodID=291943
A Rainforest Tree: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Standard-Tree-Kit?ideaID=14063&prodID=329829
Book: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/At-The-Table-Of-Want-Books-?ideaID=8790&prodID=340439
DVD: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/An-Inconvenient-Truth-DVD-?ideaID=8962&prodID=92768
Mint: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Bamboo-Grow-Pot-Mint?ideaID=3252&prodID=335589
Tent: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Big-Agnes-Lynx-Pass-4-Person-Tent?ideaID=14329&prodID=345329
Another (Better?) Solar Charger: http://www.amazon.com/Solar-Gorilla-Laptop-Charger/dp/B001M55B10/ref=pd_sbs_a_2
Sleeping Bag Sleeping Pad: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/THERM-A-REST-Ridge-Rest-Sleeping-Pad-Regular?ideaID=14331&prodID=345355
Sleeping Bag: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Cabelas-Adam-Eve-Ultra-Deluxe-II-Sleeping-Bag?ideaID=14331&prodID=345339
Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-striper-slip-on-khaki-plaid
Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-largo-slip-on-salt-washed-green
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/core-skate-shoes/suede_canvas-era-pro-men.html?experimentId=&testElementId=&cm_mmc=eSpots-_-08062010-_-EraPro-_-suede_canvas_pro
Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/ted-baker-avenay-white
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/joel-tudor-srpls-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/joel-tudor-106-sf-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/organic-canvas-rata-plus-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/hemp-authentic-jute-sf-men.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/surf-shoes/sea-captain-men.html
Shoes *In the "Pink, Leprechaun and Bittersweet Orange colors only*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/checkerboard-era.html#variation-4
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/suede-slip-on.html#variation-0
Shoes *These ones in any of the colors*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tm-plaid-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/kiss-hotter-than-hell-slip-on.html
Shoes *In either design of this type*: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=665284&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-1
Shoes *These in Green or Blue designs: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=697020&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-2
Shoes *In either design*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/multi-palm-slip-on.html
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/scozia-plaid-slip-on.html#variation-0
Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/barton-plaid-slip-on.html#variation-1
8.09.2010
Drum Roll Please...The Finale of Part One, August 2010
Alright, here it is, the finale of my August Part One experience, so get ready for a LONG list of learning (yea for alliteration!!) :)
Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.
Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.
8.07.2010
Day Three of Part One, August 2010
So, we got out of GLF LAAAAAATE (if you can't tell by the timestamp on this post...), so I was rushing out to get home and left the notes I took in the building. SO, you will get a double-decker tomorrow! HOWEVER, on my way home, actually as I was pulling up to where I'm staying, I was listening to Pink's song "Sober" and it really hit me. I am free tonight. I am really, finally free. I have learned to love myself, and I have actually done it. I have learned my value, and I am applying it. As such, I no longer NEED (yes, I always felt I needed them) cigarettes or alcohol. I no longer need the "buddy" that was cigarettes/tobacco/nicotine...I am enough as me. I no longer need the safety feeling that alcohol provided. Now that I am free, and I am ME, I don't need (or want AT ALL) alcohol in my body. It poisons my body and inhibits it from functioning in its highest form, and the only reason I ever used it before was to feel happier (ironic, as it is a depressant...) and to make myself feel more comfortable and safer in situations where I'd have to step out of my comfort zone to socialize. But now that I am comfortable in my skin, and comfortable being me and loving me, I don't need anything to assist me in being me. So, as of tonight, I am declaring full sobriety. My ego wants to let you all know, I was never an alcoholic...I didn't come home and drink every night or anything like that, but I WAS addicted. Addicted to the feeling I had when I was with it. And now I have that in me, long-lasting and sturdy and full. Any alcohol would just poison that feeling for me and dirty me up. So, that is all for tonight -- and possibly even better than the notes I took on my learning earlier anyhow! :) I will post them tomorrow though, along with what I learn about me tomorrow. Below are the lyrics to "Sober" in case you get to know them:
Good night, love birds!!
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Lo
I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home
Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?
I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?
Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober
Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober
When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
Good night, love birds!!
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Lo
8.06.2010
Day Two of Part One, August 2010
Introspective notes from staffing today:
I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.
Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?
I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.
Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?
8.05.2010
Day One of Part One, August 2010
Okay, so I am not going to rewrite this or condense it or summarize it tonight because I am way too tired. But I filled up 5.5 3x5 notecards front and back with things I learned about myself, and I committed to you all that I would write my learning every night, so I am going to do just that. And on Sunday, I will do a wrap-up/summary. But the following are the raw notes of what I learned in the moment and hurriedly jotted down.
I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.
And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!
I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.
And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)