"The sea changes colors, but the sea does not change."
Tonight, I was driving home up the canyon and within the span of one song, this is what I noticed about me:
My lack of patience is because I want approval RIGHT NOW, so I don't feel like I'm doing things wrong. I noticed I am very patient when it comes to answering someone...I will be with something for however long I need to in order to give the exact answer I want, yet when I ask someone something, I expect them to answer right away. And I get REALLY annoyed at them if they don't...and then I start to actually get angry...I role-played in my mind, and realized that if someone took as long to answer me as I do many times, then I would think they were ignoring me, or that what I asked wasn't important enough to them to warrant an answer, and I would get PISSED OFF. So that is how I came to that conclusion about my need for approval. And it carries over to many other aspects of my being....work/projects, spending, etc...
Spending: I spend my money any time I have it on impractical things because I raised myself within a celebrity framework...I've always known I am destined to be rich and famous, so I currently spend as if I already am -- as if I have royalty payments rolling in from radio stations...as if I have back-end profits to movies that I made whose checks will be sliding past my accountant's desk any day now (I'm sure you get the picture) -- meanwhile I am broke off my ass and then when I get some money, I spend it like I'm a Chamillionaire. :) I spend it on things that I feel will make me feel cool so I can get some more outside approval, instead of practical things that will sustain my ability to live a life of happiness, peace and love...for instance, I'll go out and buy an iPod, or some new sexy pants, or another blingin' belt, instead of buying food. I'm not lying about this, people. I will almost always spend money on clothes before I will spend it on food.
The power in seeing this (in AWARENESS) is that I can choose to change those beliefs. I get to get rid of these beliefs that living in poverty and malnutrition but having cool pants means that I AM COOL. No, Ryan, that just means you are a fancy-pantsed Ethiopian. It's time to evolve those beliefs to: saving money and living healthily is cool and will earn me more approval from others than being poor and unhealthy. One day, I will hopefully not even feel the need for approval from others, but we'll start basic for now. :)
Another thing I noticed in the span of this song was that I feel like me becoming fit and healthy and trim means I am betraying myself. I really feel like if I transition to a healthy lifestyle that I am leaving myself behind. Yes, I now realize how incredibly backward all these beliefs are...Anyhow, I feel like because I'm choosing to get fit, I am betraying myself for somebody else I want more (i.e., skinny me vs. fat me), for approval and for happiness. This is one that is honestly difficult for me to see past. I have lived almost 14 of my 24 years now thinking that I am fat and ugly, and even longer believing I am physically inept, so I truly am leaving a part of me in the dust by choosing to create myself to be physically adept, and to feel (and be) beautiful on the outside. I could use some coaching around this.
And the last thing I noticed and decided was that my attitude toward exercise has always been one of fatigue and exhaustion. Well, giving it that energy, begets a lack of energy on my part! Instead, I realized I can now view it as an adrenaline rush, because that's something it gives me, and I will be motivated to actually complete it that way, because adrenaline is a MAJOR factor in every decision I make :)
That is the end tonight. I love you. 'Night.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
6.25.2010
6.22.2010
Cherishing Another Is Bliss
Okay, I got this posted on my Facebook wall today and was just flabergasted:
The person who posted it is someone who I hold incredibly dear to me, and I know he loves me, but I've never known if he holds me dear to him (there is a difference, if you ask me), and reading this post, I now know he does.
It feels so amazing to feel cherished by someone :) If you've never felt that way, I suggest you make a habit of cultivating relationships such that you can experience it. 'Cause, seriously, it's amazing....I'd forgotten what it felt like for someone to express to me that they respect me, love me, and think so highly of me and our relationship, that I had begun to think it didn't matter anymore or that anything could replace that cherished-feeling, and experiencing it again this morning just showed me "WOW, that is SO not true."
Pure love is one of the most blissful feelings a spirit can feel. May we all constantly feel it and connect in all our relationships in such a manner...All we need to do is sweep to the curb our agendas, biases and judgments...and why not, knowing what we can give to someone else...knowing we can give them this amazing bliss? Thank you, Garrett, for the experience and for reminding me how people deserve to be treated :) I love you, buddy!!
Thinking about you this morning, I want you to know that i fully support you in what your choosing to do, idk much about the decision to move and thats probably why i put out the selfish part that i have. And both are true, yes i am selfish and do want you to stay for me ;) and yes i do want you to move and make that choice for you. I am excited to know more about it and also to see the results that you create with the change that your making. Living in L.A. Is only a challange of distance and the friendship that is established between the two of us is easily large enough to cover that distance. Love you.
The person who posted it is someone who I hold incredibly dear to me, and I know he loves me, but I've never known if he holds me dear to him (there is a difference, if you ask me), and reading this post, I now know he does.
It feels so amazing to feel cherished by someone :) If you've never felt that way, I suggest you make a habit of cultivating relationships such that you can experience it. 'Cause, seriously, it's amazing....I'd forgotten what it felt like for someone to express to me that they respect me, love me, and think so highly of me and our relationship, that I had begun to think it didn't matter anymore or that anything could replace that cherished-feeling, and experiencing it again this morning just showed me "WOW, that is SO not true."
Pure love is one of the most blissful feelings a spirit can feel. May we all constantly feel it and connect in all our relationships in such a manner...All we need to do is sweep to the curb our agendas, biases and judgments...and why not, knowing what we can give to someone else...knowing we can give them this amazing bliss? Thank you, Garrett, for the experience and for reminding me how people deserve to be treated :) I love you, buddy!!
6.14.2010
Rant and Accountability RE: the Jesus Myth
WOW. I just leaned over to a friend and said "I'm trying to disprove someone's faith in Jesus" and she was completely shocked and said "WHAT??? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT???" and I sit here in utter shock. You mean that religious people can proselytize all day around atheists and agnostics and try to convert them -- disproving someone's faith in doubt -- and it's okay (and even accepted/assumed), yet I cannot do the same (with, in my mind, a valid reason) without an emotionally vehement reaction? Interesting.
I am not offended by her, mad at her, or anything negative toward her. I love and respect her. I am simply astounded by the hypocrisy that is evidently so natural in religious people. I mean, she's not a loud-talker regarding religion...she's not someone who tries to convert people all the time, and she had that reaction...think of how those who do act that way might react!
I love the experience though, because it assists me in seeing the other side...the other point of view...when it comes to me wanting to enroll people into Great Life. My sister who hates herself (well, both fall into this category, but one hates herself more than the other-- and that's the one to whom I'm referring) does almost everything in her life to bring other people down because of her own self-hatred, and she especially goes campaigning extra hard when she finds something of value (especially emotional value) to someone. As such, she was always dogging on GLF, with literally no reason...she would simply tie it in to anything I said just to try and hurt me to temporarily feel better about herself. It just drove me crazy because I couldn't understand why someone who knew the immense value I place on GLF (or whether or not she had absorbed the info, had at least had heard it/been exposed to it) would purposely, irrationally try and hurt me with it.
And I still don't understand it, but three things learned from this conversation with myself:
1. I don't need to understand, whereas I always used to think I did, because understanding things does not make them better, or make me happier...it simply provides me with trivial means to rationalize away the hurt/pain.
2. I've seen the other side now, and can come from a more compassionate place when feeling like I'm being attacked.
3. That even if people attack me, I choose whether or not to feel hurt/offended and thusly retaliate.
I am not offended by her, mad at her, or anything negative toward her. I love and respect her. I am simply astounded by the hypocrisy that is evidently so natural in religious people. I mean, she's not a loud-talker regarding religion...she's not someone who tries to convert people all the time, and she had that reaction...think of how those who do act that way might react!
I love the experience though, because it assists me in seeing the other side...the other point of view...when it comes to me wanting to enroll people into Great Life. My sister who hates herself (well, both fall into this category, but one hates herself more than the other-- and that's the one to whom I'm referring) does almost everything in her life to bring other people down because of her own self-hatred, and she especially goes campaigning extra hard when she finds something of value (especially emotional value) to someone. As such, she was always dogging on GLF, with literally no reason...she would simply tie it in to anything I said just to try and hurt me to temporarily feel better about herself. It just drove me crazy because I couldn't understand why someone who knew the immense value I place on GLF (or whether or not she had absorbed the info, had at least had heard it/been exposed to it) would purposely, irrationally try and hurt me with it.
And I still don't understand it, but three things learned from this conversation with myself:
1. I don't need to understand, whereas I always used to think I did, because understanding things does not make them better, or make me happier...it simply provides me with trivial means to rationalize away the hurt/pain.
2. I've seen the other side now, and can come from a more compassionate place when feeling like I'm being attacked.
3. That even if people attack me, I choose whether or not to feel hurt/offended and thusly retaliate.
6.08.2010
Like Butter
I am really feeling the truth behind what a friend of mine said to me tonight: "It is really difficult being the ones who get to spread the light." This world is so full of people who want to destroy life, crabs who want to pull down the others who are escaping the box. I really felt that tonight as my sister insulted and berated me. I made the comment that I was sick of how completely ungrateful for everything my family was, and that unleashed within her every judgment she held against me and my life. Then came the chorus: my other sister, my mom and my aunt joined in on the brutal harassment. I felt simultaneously absolutely astonished and extinguished.
I know I'm not perfect, and I know I never will be, and I also know that I am truly a spreader of light. Whether or not I like it, that is my mission on this planet. I can do that through many mechanics: homosexuality, dance, music, fashion, volunteerism, film, celebrity, sports, health and coaching to name a few on which I am gaining more and more clarity every day.
It is difficult for ME to be a spreader of light for two reasons: I've never had the example set for me so it is completely new to me, and because I currently don't have many examples to which I can look either...I am learning it almost wholly on my own (though not alone). I get to learn a completely foreign concept and way of being AND learn to learn AND manifest simultaneously. Bring them closer together, and I will create and manifest and enjoy my success...
I know I'm not perfect, and I know I never will be, and I also know that I am truly a spreader of light. Whether or not I like it, that is my mission on this planet. I can do that through many mechanics: homosexuality, dance, music, fashion, volunteerism, film, celebrity, sports, health and coaching to name a few on which I am gaining more and more clarity every day.
It is difficult for ME to be a spreader of light for two reasons: I've never had the example set for me so it is completely new to me, and because I currently don't have many examples to which I can look either...I am learning it almost wholly on my own (though not alone). I get to learn a completely foreign concept and way of being AND learn to learn AND manifest simultaneously. Bring them closer together, and I will create and manifest and enjoy my success...
6.02.2010
A Week of Shenanigans
This weekend and week have been crazy so far!!
I went on a surprise trip to Vegas with my sister to visit with a friend, and had an amazing time. However, that gave me only about 6 hours to pack up and clean my whole apartment to move out....So I just stayed an extra day and packed it all up. From 8 am until 6 pm, I was cleaning and packing in a total FRENZY! Thankfully, a friend came over and cleaned most of my apartment for me, which REALLY helped out. But I had so much to do and so much to coordinate, it was at times a tidbit overwhelming. But just a tidbit, not too much... Then I went to Great Life to continue in my duties there, trying to be in two places at one time there, and was there for about 3 or 4 hours, at which point I got to come home and continue to pack my stuff up and move some of it to storage....I was doing this until about 4 in the morning this morning and I crashed on my mom's couch after Facebooking for a couple minutes. I woke up this morning at around 11 and relaxed a little at my mom's house and then I began lugging all my storage items to their appropriate places and then packed the rest of my stuff up back into my car and raced up to Park City, where I will be living for the next couple of months 'til I head out to L.A. Whew! It is succccchhhh a relief to be done with all that crazy moving mess!
The speed of my life the last few days has been intense, and I love the feeling -- a LOT. I want my life to continue at this speed for a while...just not as much heavy lifting, ha! Aaaaaand it looks like it will be....
I made sure I got something out tonight on my blog so hopefully you are satisfied, since I will be completely busy this weekend as well. I am staffing Founders on Thursday and then coaching Part Three, so I will be in the room from 8am until approximately 11pm and on a ropes course on Saturday from about 7am 'til about 8pm, at which point I will be zooming over to my cousin's high school graduation party. And I swear to god I had something planned on Sunday, but I just can't remember what...Then on Monday, I get to go over to my mom's to better sort through and organize the stuff I am storing there, and I'll probably do a little yard work for her, too.
I want to have time to create some new music and some new dress designs, but I will be so tired this weekend from staffing, I'm sure, that I really don't want to force it in. Lol. (That ain't the first time I've used that phrase!.....) :)
Sigh....it really feels good to sleep on a bed again, and have time to just relax my body and my brain a little bit. My brain is still going at 100mph, if you can't tell....I feel like there is something my brain wants to get out in writing here, but it isn't saying anything....Lol. Maybe I just feel that way 'cause my brain is still buzzing around from all the craziness. Anyhow, I love you all.
Live your life the way you want it lived. It is the only allotment of time you can be 100% certain that you are guaranteed.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
I went on a surprise trip to Vegas with my sister to visit with a friend, and had an amazing time. However, that gave me only about 6 hours to pack up and clean my whole apartment to move out....So I just stayed an extra day and packed it all up. From 8 am until 6 pm, I was cleaning and packing in a total FRENZY! Thankfully, a friend came over and cleaned most of my apartment for me, which REALLY helped out. But I had so much to do and so much to coordinate, it was at times a tidbit overwhelming. But just a tidbit, not too much... Then I went to Great Life to continue in my duties there, trying to be in two places at one time there, and was there for about 3 or 4 hours, at which point I got to come home and continue to pack my stuff up and move some of it to storage....I was doing this until about 4 in the morning this morning and I crashed on my mom's couch after Facebooking for a couple minutes. I woke up this morning at around 11 and relaxed a little at my mom's house and then I began lugging all my storage items to their appropriate places and then packed the rest of my stuff up back into my car and raced up to Park City, where I will be living for the next couple of months 'til I head out to L.A. Whew! It is succccchhhh a relief to be done with all that crazy moving mess!
The speed of my life the last few days has been intense, and I love the feeling -- a LOT. I want my life to continue at this speed for a while...just not as much heavy lifting, ha! Aaaaaand it looks like it will be....
I made sure I got something out tonight on my blog so hopefully you are satisfied, since I will be completely busy this weekend as well. I am staffing Founders on Thursday and then coaching Part Three, so I will be in the room from 8am until approximately 11pm and on a ropes course on Saturday from about 7am 'til about 8pm, at which point I will be zooming over to my cousin's high school graduation party. And I swear to god I had something planned on Sunday, but I just can't remember what...Then on Monday, I get to go over to my mom's to better sort through and organize the stuff I am storing there, and I'll probably do a little yard work for her, too.
I want to have time to create some new music and some new dress designs, but I will be so tired this weekend from staffing, I'm sure, that I really don't want to force it in. Lol. (That ain't the first time I've used that phrase!.....) :)
Sigh....it really feels good to sleep on a bed again, and have time to just relax my body and my brain a little bit. My brain is still going at 100mph, if you can't tell....I feel like there is something my brain wants to get out in writing here, but it isn't saying anything....Lol. Maybe I just feel that way 'cause my brain is still buzzing around from all the craziness. Anyhow, I love you all.
Live your life the way you want it lived. It is the only allotment of time you can be 100% certain that you are guaranteed.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
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