Okay, so I wrote this a bit ago, and I don't feel like I want to go into more detail on it...I simply want my readers to decode it and offer up their point of view on it.
Hypothetical: Karma is true and absolute.
Astrological karma: real or self concoction?
Pisces is supposed to be the end, what if Virgo is? Or could be? I could come back and report it to everyone?
Either way, it’s my choice whether or not Virgo is my karmic end. It is my choice to bring myself closer to Death or Life, in every choice.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
4.30.2010
4.29.2010
What Do You See When You Look Back At Your Wasted Life?
When I was growing up gay and alone, I invested a lot of my time and life into the glory of music. I always made sure to schedule choir and Musical Theatre classes into my schedule during school, and I envisioned myself as The Next Big Thing. I knew that I was gorgeous (even though reality was a pimply, hairy, 200-lb. pubescent body), I knew that I was the most talented (though I never actually excelled musically as advanced as many of my friends), and knew my name would end up in lights. Throughout all this, I kept my eye on the prize, idolizing Madonna, Cher and, of course, The King – Michael Jackson. You know, the ones who had made their lives out of seemingly nothing to become the unbeatable international musical icons they are today. I knew that one day, I would make myself known as loudly as they, and even one day regretfully but naturally overthrow Mr. Jackson as the rightful heir to the title “King of Pop.” And Madonna would be my slave-bitch. Not even kidding you. But there was something I didn’t realize about myself that whole time that would always impede the actualization of my dreams.
On June 25, 2009, I realized: I had completely displaced all my talent, passion and power on Michael Jackson. I had unwittingly become his victim. And he didn’t care. Hell, he didn’t even know. And he wouldn’t have wanted it if he did know (I know this because we’ve had many deep, authentic conversations inside of my head). I soaked up everything that was Madonna, Cher and Michael, and gave them nothing of value back – except my idolatry. I also gave them my sorrow and regret over being Mormon and disobeying the first Commandment for them (they were more important to me than God could ever be, even as devout as I was, so I always felt guilty), but I can’t say that was of any value to them.
When I was a child, growing up with all these amazing songs, they were my only friends. They knew exactly how I felt at exactly the right times. They could console me, pump me up, or stir controversy within me, and it felt good to be so connected to something since everyone around me seemed to want to NOT be connected to me in the least.
“Thriller” brought me closer to my estranged sister, made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that someone in my family actually liked me, and taught me that being a freak may be scary, but in the end it’s pretty fucking cool because you can be in a music video for it. “Bad” and “Beat It” taught me that as much as you might get hurt, or be scared of someone or something, you don’t have to hurt people to resolve the conflict in your life – which gave me hope that maybe someday my dad would treat me like he actually loved me, not beating his “Prince,” as he so often (ironically) called me. “Heal the World” taught me how much I really cared about my mother and would stand up for her no matter what the consequences. “Remember the Time” taught me how to dance. ☺ “Dangerous” and “In the Closet” taught me that I was really probably too young to be listening to some Michael Jackson songs haha! “Jam” taught me that no one is perfect, even someone you idolize, and brought me slowly into a new world of music, as did “The Girl Is Mine”. “Billie Jean” offered me my first taste of MTV and the amazing art of music video creation. Nowadays, the only way I can even successfully begin writing lyrics is by creating a music video in my head and then taking the lyrics through that plot, so I don’t know where I would be musically without that amazing influence. “Black or White” brought me international intrigue, broadening my world and love for tigers ☺ “Man In The Mirror” made me feel happy and relieved that maybe there was someone else out there who would do the work that I was doing in my own self-actualization! And “You Are Not Alone” allowed me to safely feel all the pain of everything I have experienced in my life and sob and not get hit for doing so. That song helped me get through so many nights, whether I was feeling alone, not enough, bruised, out of place or tortured, as I so often did between the ages of seven and twenty.
So when Michael died that day in June, my whole world broke apart, crushed down on top of me, jumped back up, tried to sew itself together again, and succumbed to its own weight and broke again, crushing everything about me one more time. I literally had no idea what to do with my life when I learned he had died. I stayed home all day every day for days, watching the news, staying updated on where and when he would be buried and fiercely tried to find the means to fly to Neverland before the week ended so that I could grieve properly. I didn’t go to Neverland. Instead I stayed in front of my TV and bawled. I cried so hard, it was worse than a break up. Michael was like my big brother, always looking out for me in my childhood and offering me safe refuge from the pain I experienced at school at home and at church.
When Michael died, I lost a large piece of me with him, because I gave up a large part of me to him and his music. I created my world in his, therefore when his world was no longer, neither was a large part of mine. I had not learned that there is a world of difference between leveraging the inspiration of others to further inspire and displacing all my inspiration on someone else rather than myself. I got to learn that lesson that day, and am constantly being reminded it. Because I went for so long without feeling the truth of who I was, I am now building up my soul. It’s kind of nice, because I get to consciously, with the knowledge I have garnered over the years, pick whatever I want to be and whatever I feel, and that is me. But it’s also really fucking scary because I have NOTHING to fall back onto that works. I’ve never had a system in place that actually works for me regarding having a soul. And that’s scary shit to be like “Hey, I have no conscious soul” and not have any safety net to fall into when I am tired and worn out and exasperated. Luckily, I have had a lot of great friends and family members step forward (not necessarily knowing that this is what is going on) and support me when I am completely drained and out of ability to sculpt. I’ve been really lucky in that aspect. Thank you to Jonathan Orlofsky, Lori Baldwin, John Rogers, Mom, Nicole Rieger, Jackie Rieger, Will Sloan, Alex Fauver, Sarah Barney, Melisa Pehrson, Kencie Raddon, Ruthanne Clifford and Eric Dawes who have (perhaps consciously) been willing to fill my cup when it had been fully imbibed.
Alright, Dollies, I love you all and my body just told me it is now time for me to sleep.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
On June 25, 2009, I realized: I had completely displaced all my talent, passion and power on Michael Jackson. I had unwittingly become his victim. And he didn’t care. Hell, he didn’t even know. And he wouldn’t have wanted it if he did know (I know this because we’ve had many deep, authentic conversations inside of my head). I soaked up everything that was Madonna, Cher and Michael, and gave them nothing of value back – except my idolatry. I also gave them my sorrow and regret over being Mormon and disobeying the first Commandment for them (they were more important to me than God could ever be, even as devout as I was, so I always felt guilty), but I can’t say that was of any value to them.
When I was a child, growing up with all these amazing songs, they were my only friends. They knew exactly how I felt at exactly the right times. They could console me, pump me up, or stir controversy within me, and it felt good to be so connected to something since everyone around me seemed to want to NOT be connected to me in the least.
“Thriller” brought me closer to my estranged sister, made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that someone in my family actually liked me, and taught me that being a freak may be scary, but in the end it’s pretty fucking cool because you can be in a music video for it. “Bad” and “Beat It” taught me that as much as you might get hurt, or be scared of someone or something, you don’t have to hurt people to resolve the conflict in your life – which gave me hope that maybe someday my dad would treat me like he actually loved me, not beating his “Prince,” as he so often (ironically) called me. “Heal the World” taught me how much I really cared about my mother and would stand up for her no matter what the consequences. “Remember the Time” taught me how to dance. ☺ “Dangerous” and “In the Closet” taught me that I was really probably too young to be listening to some Michael Jackson songs haha! “Jam” taught me that no one is perfect, even someone you idolize, and brought me slowly into a new world of music, as did “The Girl Is Mine”. “Billie Jean” offered me my first taste of MTV and the amazing art of music video creation. Nowadays, the only way I can even successfully begin writing lyrics is by creating a music video in my head and then taking the lyrics through that plot, so I don’t know where I would be musically without that amazing influence. “Black or White” brought me international intrigue, broadening my world and love for tigers ☺ “Man In The Mirror” made me feel happy and relieved that maybe there was someone else out there who would do the work that I was doing in my own self-actualization! And “You Are Not Alone” allowed me to safely feel all the pain of everything I have experienced in my life and sob and not get hit for doing so. That song helped me get through so many nights, whether I was feeling alone, not enough, bruised, out of place or tortured, as I so often did between the ages of seven and twenty.
So when Michael died that day in June, my whole world broke apart, crushed down on top of me, jumped back up, tried to sew itself together again, and succumbed to its own weight and broke again, crushing everything about me one more time. I literally had no idea what to do with my life when I learned he had died. I stayed home all day every day for days, watching the news, staying updated on where and when he would be buried and fiercely tried to find the means to fly to Neverland before the week ended so that I could grieve properly. I didn’t go to Neverland. Instead I stayed in front of my TV and bawled. I cried so hard, it was worse than a break up. Michael was like my big brother, always looking out for me in my childhood and offering me safe refuge from the pain I experienced at school at home and at church.
When Michael died, I lost a large piece of me with him, because I gave up a large part of me to him and his music. I created my world in his, therefore when his world was no longer, neither was a large part of mine. I had not learned that there is a world of difference between leveraging the inspiration of others to further inspire and displacing all my inspiration on someone else rather than myself. I got to learn that lesson that day, and am constantly being reminded it. Because I went for so long without feeling the truth of who I was, I am now building up my soul. It’s kind of nice, because I get to consciously, with the knowledge I have garnered over the years, pick whatever I want to be and whatever I feel, and that is me. But it’s also really fucking scary because I have NOTHING to fall back onto that works. I’ve never had a system in place that actually works for me regarding having a soul. And that’s scary shit to be like “Hey, I have no conscious soul” and not have any safety net to fall into when I am tired and worn out and exasperated. Luckily, I have had a lot of great friends and family members step forward (not necessarily knowing that this is what is going on) and support me when I am completely drained and out of ability to sculpt. I’ve been really lucky in that aspect. Thank you to Jonathan Orlofsky, Lori Baldwin, John Rogers, Mom, Nicole Rieger, Jackie Rieger, Will Sloan, Alex Fauver, Sarah Barney, Melisa Pehrson, Kencie Raddon, Ruthanne Clifford and Eric Dawes who have (perhaps consciously) been willing to fill my cup when it had been fully imbibed.
Alright, Dollies, I love you all and my body just told me it is now time for me to sleep.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
4.27.2010
Yea, a game! Count how many times I say the Fuck word!
Did you feel unworthy today? Did you feel like you were too fat? Did you feel too black? Too ugly?
Did you feel too priceless? Did you feel too amazing? Did you feel too loved? Too beautiful?
Today, I felt mostly the first set of questions. I felt bad, sick, wrong, inefficient, unworthy. I felt too gay, too bitchy, too lazy, not funny enough, out of place. I felt arrogant and selfish and fat and hairy and ashamed...I felt immature and useless and offensive and angry and violent.
And I think we are all feeling all those things, and many more, way too often in all of our lives. I feel like we feel many of them at the same time, overwhelmed by the sheer explosion of sorrow and pain coursing through our hearts. That energy can burst out to those around us, whether via physical, verbal or energetic assault, and can affect the visions and peace in another's life.
Today, I experienced this, two-fold. I was at a hair appointment with my friend, and was cursing (of course). Apparently it offended someone so highly that he felt the need to get up in the middle of his haircut and physically threaten me over it. This is something I don't really get...I live my life daily having words thrown around me that could offend me if I so choose...Hell is the least of MY worries. I get to look past "faggot," "dickmouth," "cocksucker," "fag," "queer," "pussy," "pansy," "gay," "ass-pirate," and volumes of other similar terms. Not to mention the fear I am in when around any straight guys that I will get beat the shit out of for opening my mouth. So yeah, if I say "I'll fucking raise hell" around you, then how about you shut your goddamn mouth and deal with it like I do? I am so sick of everyone in this world thinking "Hey, I am an asshole, and I get to be that way, but you don't get to be anything you want to be. Deal? Done." Ummmmmmmmmm, NO. I'm gonna be a fucking victim if I want to be. I'm gonna be a fucking asshole if I want to be. I'm going to be a fucking queer-homo-gayboy-faggot if I want to be. I'm going to be disgusting and childish and intelligent and grateful. I'm going to be everything that makes up me, and I will no longer resent myself for it, nor apologize to you for it. If I'm a sinner, that is up to me, and it is not your job to tell me that so that your fake god will tell you "Good job, you did the best you could do, son!" when you die and never meet him because your religion is a phallacy (misspelled on purpose). It is not your job to save me or anyone else around you. What it's your job to do, if you so choose, is to save your own ass, to save your money so you don't fuck up the rest of our lives with a credit-crunch-breakdown like you have thus far, and to save your words for someone who gives a flying fuck. I am a stand for diversity and free expression, and I am a stand for respect and compassion, and I think the two can co-exist. And I do not believe that they will always exist in harmony, concurrently, or in perfection; however, I do feel it is my responsibility to work on it in my own self and further it in my life. I also know that just because I stand for something does not make me the most perfect at it, and one thing I am REALLY fucking sick of is people criticizing me for what I say and where I stand, in that I am not perfect enough in it. The one thing that Great Life REALLY fuckin sucks at is teaching ANY form of respect or compassion. Do you enjoy it if I come up to you and say "YOU'RE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" er, excuse me, let me put that in Great Life terms: "MY EXPERIENCE OF YOU IS THAT YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" NO!! Of course you don't! So why the fuck would you say it to me as if it is inspiring? Is it because you have no sense of what inspiration actually is? That is my belief. Because I know when I thought I was being inspiring, I was actually attacking, and being an asshole, and people hated being around me. So "mirror mirror on the wall," get the fuck out of here and "inspire" someone else.
Did you feel too priceless? Did you feel too amazing? Did you feel too loved? Too beautiful?
Today, I felt mostly the first set of questions. I felt bad, sick, wrong, inefficient, unworthy. I felt too gay, too bitchy, too lazy, not funny enough, out of place. I felt arrogant and selfish and fat and hairy and ashamed...I felt immature and useless and offensive and angry and violent.
And I think we are all feeling all those things, and many more, way too often in all of our lives. I feel like we feel many of them at the same time, overwhelmed by the sheer explosion of sorrow and pain coursing through our hearts. That energy can burst out to those around us, whether via physical, verbal or energetic assault, and can affect the visions and peace in another's life.
Today, I experienced this, two-fold. I was at a hair appointment with my friend, and was cursing (of course). Apparently it offended someone so highly that he felt the need to get up in the middle of his haircut and physically threaten me over it. This is something I don't really get...I live my life daily having words thrown around me that could offend me if I so choose...Hell is the least of MY worries. I get to look past "faggot," "dickmouth," "cocksucker," "fag," "queer," "pussy," "pansy," "gay," "ass-pirate," and volumes of other similar terms. Not to mention the fear I am in when around any straight guys that I will get beat the shit out of for opening my mouth. So yeah, if I say "I'll fucking raise hell" around you, then how about you shut your goddamn mouth and deal with it like I do? I am so sick of everyone in this world thinking "Hey, I am an asshole, and I get to be that way, but you don't get to be anything you want to be. Deal? Done." Ummmmmmmmmm, NO. I'm gonna be a fucking victim if I want to be. I'm gonna be a fucking asshole if I want to be. I'm going to be a fucking queer-homo-gayboy-faggot if I want to be. I'm going to be disgusting and childish and intelligent and grateful. I'm going to be everything that makes up me, and I will no longer resent myself for it, nor apologize to you for it. If I'm a sinner, that is up to me, and it is not your job to tell me that so that your fake god will tell you "Good job, you did the best you could do, son!" when you die and never meet him because your religion is a phallacy (misspelled on purpose). It is not your job to save me or anyone else around you. What it's your job to do, if you so choose, is to save your own ass, to save your money so you don't fuck up the rest of our lives with a credit-crunch-breakdown like you have thus far, and to save your words for someone who gives a flying fuck. I am a stand for diversity and free expression, and I am a stand for respect and compassion, and I think the two can co-exist. And I do not believe that they will always exist in harmony, concurrently, or in perfection; however, I do feel it is my responsibility to work on it in my own self and further it in my life. I also know that just because I stand for something does not make me the most perfect at it, and one thing I am REALLY fucking sick of is people criticizing me for what I say and where I stand, in that I am not perfect enough in it. The one thing that Great Life REALLY fuckin sucks at is teaching ANY form of respect or compassion. Do you enjoy it if I come up to you and say "YOU'RE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" er, excuse me, let me put that in Great Life terms: "MY EXPERIENCE OF YOU IS THAT YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" NO!! Of course you don't! So why the fuck would you say it to me as if it is inspiring? Is it because you have no sense of what inspiration actually is? That is my belief. Because I know when I thought I was being inspiring, I was actually attacking, and being an asshole, and people hated being around me. So "mirror mirror on the wall," get the fuck out of here and "inspire" someone else.
The Things I Learned This Weekend:
-- When you and a friend smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one night and then both sleep in your bed, the lingering odor smells a lot like that night that you put rice on the stove to steam.....and woke up 10 hours later to remove...
-- That Del Taco gives me a LOT of PUTRID gas (sorry friends!)
-- Waking up after sleeping from 6am to 9am is easier than 9am to 6pm
-- That the little details I notice are amazing and terrifying: like my roommate's replacement of dead bananas with fresh ones on our counter; or opening the fridge last night an noticing a new chai drink -- and then seeing this morning that it's gone. Things like these are the only signs that tell me my roommate is still alive. His chai. And bananas.
-- That no matter what judgments are cast on me, I can choose to internalize them and prove their reality, or I can stand in myself, grounded and loving me and all of who O am and continue that same moment loving life (and my reality) rather than hating myself. It all lies within my ability to decide.
-- That I have a lot to learn.
-- That Del Taco gives me a LOT of PUTRID gas (sorry friends!)
-- Waking up after sleeping from 6am to 9am is easier than 9am to 6pm
-- That the little details I notice are amazing and terrifying: like my roommate's replacement of dead bananas with fresh ones on our counter; or opening the fridge last night an noticing a new chai drink -- and then seeing this morning that it's gone. Things like these are the only signs that tell me my roommate is still alive. His chai. And bananas.
-- That no matter what judgments are cast on me, I can choose to internalize them and prove their reality, or I can stand in myself, grounded and loving me and all of who O am and continue that same moment loving life (and my reality) rather than hating myself. It all lies within my ability to decide.
-- That I have a lot to learn.
4.23.2010
This Is Me Being A Creator
Sweetness! I am incredibly stoked!
I just got off a call with one of the best in the business regarding my travel show idea, and he gave me some priceless advice and assistance! He confirmed many things I already (surprisingly) knew, and added glow to them, such that I can advance my knowledge. So the next step for me is to just get out and start shooting. I’m going to Blanding this next Thursday to assist in building homes for those living on the Navajo reservation with the non-profit group Hearts and Hands, and I’m going to take advantage of that trip to start filming. What perfection the Universe lines up for me! Now all I have to do is get a video camera to be able to film, haha! My friend that I just got off the phone with – Jasen Wade Nielsen – offered to assist me a bit with editing if need be, and I know a couple other people who excel at that who I can hook up with, and I personally love sound editing and yesterday found out that a really good (and developing) friend of mine is really skilled at sound editing anyway, and I am overflowing with creativity for the writing and hosting part of the job; everything is just lining up out of the blue and it feels great!! Like I said, all I need now is to find a camera (and preferably some decent sound-capturing equipment) and grab someone who can carry it and shoot and head down to Blanding by next week! I am sooooo looking forward, with immense excitement and optimism!
Now, the basic concept is to provide to youth and teens a fun, semi-interactive education on the diversity of the people who walk this planet with us with a purpose of engaging the viewer’s creativity and feelings of compassion and personal responsibility. I will cover niches wherever they may be. The first episode to be filmed, as stated above, will be the Navajo Nation in Blanding, Utah – their customs, dances, art, etc, as well as the plight they continue to endure regarding their government’s corruption. The second shoot will involve the gay movement in Salt Lake City – simply because I am getting more involved in it and the Pride Celebration (with which I am assisting this year) takes place at the beginning of June, which will give me ample time to edit the Blanding footage before I tackle my next episode. Plus, I think it’s great timing (and great footage to have in general), because of everything that’s going on between the gay movement and SLC, specifically, with all the hate crimes that have been occurring lately, and the indie Prop 8 movie being released in nationwide theaters soon and all. Like I said, the timing of all this creativity is absolutely impeccable! What should my third episode be? I am heavily considering India, as I am already planning on traveling there this summer…the only reason I’m CONSIDERING it, rather than COMMITTING to it is because I don’t know anything about it, or where to start with it! So I guess I will add to my to-do list to research India and its history and culture such that I can tackle something significant and interesting!
Timeline:
1. Research Navajo Nation for at least ten hours before Thursday.
2. Be working out to get in best shape for filming lifestyle.
3. Get video camera and someone to film.
4. Gather footage in Blanding next week.
5. Find a month-long job in Utah so I can begin saving for India.
6. Review and edit footage.
7. Format a plot for my Gay-SLC episode.
8. Research India (government, culture, rituals, niches) for at least a week.
9. Format plot for India episode.
10. Gather Gay-SLC footage in June.
11. Move to San Luis Obispo and immediately get a job to save for India trip.
12. Review and edit footage.
13. Take 2-3 days to research surfer culture and history.
14. Gather Surf footage in June/July.
15. Review and edit footage.
16. Gather footage in India in August?
17. Review and edit footage.
If you think I’m missing anything, feel free to throw anything up here. I love hearing from you guys and look forward to your discussions! Love y’all (as Texans would say)!
I just got off a call with one of the best in the business regarding my travel show idea, and he gave me some priceless advice and assistance! He confirmed many things I already (surprisingly) knew, and added glow to them, such that I can advance my knowledge. So the next step for me is to just get out and start shooting. I’m going to Blanding this next Thursday to assist in building homes for those living on the Navajo reservation with the non-profit group Hearts and Hands, and I’m going to take advantage of that trip to start filming. What perfection the Universe lines up for me! Now all I have to do is get a video camera to be able to film, haha! My friend that I just got off the phone with – Jasen Wade Nielsen – offered to assist me a bit with editing if need be, and I know a couple other people who excel at that who I can hook up with, and I personally love sound editing and yesterday found out that a really good (and developing) friend of mine is really skilled at sound editing anyway, and I am overflowing with creativity for the writing and hosting part of the job; everything is just lining up out of the blue and it feels great!! Like I said, all I need now is to find a camera (and preferably some decent sound-capturing equipment) and grab someone who can carry it and shoot and head down to Blanding by next week! I am sooooo looking forward, with immense excitement and optimism!
Now, the basic concept is to provide to youth and teens a fun, semi-interactive education on the diversity of the people who walk this planet with us with a purpose of engaging the viewer’s creativity and feelings of compassion and personal responsibility. I will cover niches wherever they may be. The first episode to be filmed, as stated above, will be the Navajo Nation in Blanding, Utah – their customs, dances, art, etc, as well as the plight they continue to endure regarding their government’s corruption. The second shoot will involve the gay movement in Salt Lake City – simply because I am getting more involved in it and the Pride Celebration (with which I am assisting this year) takes place at the beginning of June, which will give me ample time to edit the Blanding footage before I tackle my next episode. Plus, I think it’s great timing (and great footage to have in general), because of everything that’s going on between the gay movement and SLC, specifically, with all the hate crimes that have been occurring lately, and the indie Prop 8 movie being released in nationwide theaters soon and all. Like I said, the timing of all this creativity is absolutely impeccable! What should my third episode be? I am heavily considering India, as I am already planning on traveling there this summer…the only reason I’m CONSIDERING it, rather than COMMITTING to it is because I don’t know anything about it, or where to start with it! So I guess I will add to my to-do list to research India and its history and culture such that I can tackle something significant and interesting!
Timeline:
1. Research Navajo Nation for at least ten hours before Thursday.
2. Be working out to get in best shape for filming lifestyle.
3. Get video camera and someone to film.
4. Gather footage in Blanding next week.
5. Find a month-long job in Utah so I can begin saving for India.
6. Review and edit footage.
7. Format a plot for my Gay-SLC episode.
8. Research India (government, culture, rituals, niches) for at least a week.
9. Format plot for India episode.
10. Gather Gay-SLC footage in June.
11. Move to San Luis Obispo and immediately get a job to save for India trip.
12. Review and edit footage.
13. Take 2-3 days to research surfer culture and history.
14. Gather Surf footage in June/July.
15. Review and edit footage.
16. Gather footage in India in August?
17. Review and edit footage.
If you think I’m missing anything, feel free to throw anything up here. I love hearing from you guys and look forward to your discussions! Love y’all (as Texans would say)!
4.22.2010
My Veins Is All
Tonight was a very productive night! I went to a Pride meeting, got myself checked for AIDS (negative, woot!), came home and made a delicious dinner (Poor Man’s Lasagna – an accidental and VERY happy discovery!), planned out my (very productive) day for tomorrow, planned out my weekend a little bit, wrote a song called “Indie Is All” and mapped out the road I need to take in my creation of a new travel-education show for kids and teens called “The First Step” [tentative title] that I plan on hosting! Whew, good thing I don’t have a significant other or kids to have to plan into my days and nights...otherwise things might get a little hectic around here!
I’m glad to have created a song last night...I have recently created a goal for myself to write more lyrics. A few days ago, a friend gave me feedback, saying that my biggest strength in his perception is my ability to write. He told me to find ways to monetize my blog (which I’ve since done) and suggested I focus myself on writing. I decided one way I could do that is with the blog, yes, and I can also do so by creating examples of my great writing in other avenues, as well. I’m STILL writing a self-discovery pamphlet I’ve been working on since winter, but I’m having writer’s block there, so I thought “Hey, why not reconnect yourself with music?”
I have a huge affinity for music (though “affinity” isn’t even a strong enough word) – music courses through my veins in a higher percentage than blood, I think. Snow Patrol and Ani DiFranco’s lyrics make me shiver whenever I hear ANY of their songs, because they are all written so beautifully and deeply and subtly…and I believe this is because I have the ability to write as lyrically as they. I believe my skin tingles while listening to them as a way of telling me “Dude, you can write this well...stop idolizing and put yourself into action!” and then of course I neglect the message because self-sabotage is my M.O. ☺ I can’t say I will ever become as recognized as they are, or that I will follow songwriting through to the point of deep, long-lasting success in it, but I do know it is something in which I excel and enjoy. So why not relish myself in it then, right? And if the product of my creation ends up being money, then good on me! ☺
“Indie Is All” is a really sweet song and I am surprised at how it just came up and out of me. All in all, it took me about 15 or 20 minutes to complete – like I said, music is always in me! After I finish this blog, I think I may go put pen to paper again, as I feel like there is something else inside of me longing to get out. But who knows, that could just be something easily cured with masturbation ☺ Hmm, there’s a good topic to sign off with:
What do you think about masturbation? Do you believe it is A) a simple means of releasing sexual energy, B) an impediment to our ability to create, as it releases valuable core energy from our bodies, or C) something else entirely? Leave your comments below! ☺
I’m glad to have created a song last night...I have recently created a goal for myself to write more lyrics. A few days ago, a friend gave me feedback, saying that my biggest strength in his perception is my ability to write. He told me to find ways to monetize my blog (which I’ve since done) and suggested I focus myself on writing. I decided one way I could do that is with the blog, yes, and I can also do so by creating examples of my great writing in other avenues, as well. I’m STILL writing a self-discovery pamphlet I’ve been working on since winter, but I’m having writer’s block there, so I thought “Hey, why not reconnect yourself with music?”
I have a huge affinity for music (though “affinity” isn’t even a strong enough word) – music courses through my veins in a higher percentage than blood, I think. Snow Patrol and Ani DiFranco’s lyrics make me shiver whenever I hear ANY of their songs, because they are all written so beautifully and deeply and subtly…and I believe this is because I have the ability to write as lyrically as they. I believe my skin tingles while listening to them as a way of telling me “Dude, you can write this well...stop idolizing and put yourself into action!” and then of course I neglect the message because self-sabotage is my M.O. ☺ I can’t say I will ever become as recognized as they are, or that I will follow songwriting through to the point of deep, long-lasting success in it, but I do know it is something in which I excel and enjoy. So why not relish myself in it then, right? And if the product of my creation ends up being money, then good on me! ☺
“Indie Is All” is a really sweet song and I am surprised at how it just came up and out of me. All in all, it took me about 15 or 20 minutes to complete – like I said, music is always in me! After I finish this blog, I think I may go put pen to paper again, as I feel like there is something else inside of me longing to get out. But who knows, that could just be something easily cured with masturbation ☺ Hmm, there’s a good topic to sign off with:
What do you think about masturbation? Do you believe it is A) a simple means of releasing sexual energy, B) an impediment to our ability to create, as it releases valuable core energy from our bodies, or C) something else entirely? Leave your comments below! ☺
4.17.2010
Love Is the Groove In Which We Move
I've heard that life is a cycle. I've heard that pain/fear and love/abundance are two sides of the same coin. I've also been told that we choose everything we do and exactly how our lives play out. But what if life is just a constant cycle? What if our secular minds have caught onto something spiritual with this whole "Go Green and Recycle" initiative? What if life is a cycle we ride between love and fear and back to love, and we don't ultimately choose our emotions? I BELIEVE WE CHOOSE OUR ACTIONS, RESPONSES AND BEHAVIORS. However, what if our emotions were already set out for us on this path?
I would absolutely LOVE to hear all your theories on this, please. It will help me grow. Love and respect you all. Muah!
I would absolutely LOVE to hear all your theories on this, please. It will help me grow. Love and respect you all. Muah!
4.16.2010
Two Sides of the Same Coin
Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?
Bring on tomorrow.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?
Bring on tomorrow.
4.13.2010
What We're Missing is a Revolution...and Respect
I remember just a week or so ago remarking to a friend, "You know, I am so sick of the complacency in this nation. What we are missing in this nation is passion! That's something that made us great." and I hereby retract that statement. Yes, I believe there is an alarming amount of complacency in this nation, and I would love that to change, but I now see that we have quite a bit of passion here in our lil ol' nation. I think what we're missing, though, is Respect. Today I read a story about Reverend Phelps and his Westboro gang, and I was truly appalled by their sheer disregard for the respect of life. (You can find the story to which I'm referring here) And just a few weeks ago, the media was filled with reports of Teabaggers throwing slurs at our Congress members. Why is it that our citizens have come to the brink of savagery? To where have our respectful movements disappeared? Where is our ability to see and sculpt the future?
Yes, Westboro assholes, say what you want, whenever you want, wherever you want; such is the current state of free speech. However, I firmly believe this definition and legal upholding of free speech is bullshit. It's time to evolve, people. The Constitution states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech" and I believe that is the nail in the coffin that the Founding Fathers unwittingly included that gives religion whatever rights it wants to have. How I read that is: as long as it's a religious movement, then Congress can legally have no say in changing it. So why don't all the homosexuals just create a religion celebrating homosexuality? We could then get married and adhere to a loophole in the Constitution to ensure whatever we wanted could be carried out by us. I think it is about time for some real reform. It is time for a revolution, people.
Yes, Westboro assholes, say what you want, whenever you want, wherever you want; such is the current state of free speech. However, I firmly believe this definition and legal upholding of free speech is bullshit. It's time to evolve, people. The Constitution states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech" and I believe that is the nail in the coffin that the Founding Fathers unwittingly included that gives religion whatever rights it wants to have. How I read that is: as long as it's a religious movement, then Congress can legally have no say in changing it. So why don't all the homosexuals just create a religion celebrating homosexuality? We could then get married and adhere to a loophole in the Constitution to ensure whatever we wanted could be carried out by us. I think it is about time for some real reform. It is time for a revolution, people.
4.12.2010
If You Love People-Watching...
WOW! A great friend of mine, Kyle Burdash, referred me to dooce.com, where I found this nugget! I really lack words for how I feel about the power, beauty and inspiration I feel when reading this. The question is asked: Can you tell your life story in 20 words or less? At first, I didn't see the power of this practice, so I ventured over to cure my curiosity...boy, am I glad I did! First of all, it is hella powerful to see what words people use to define themselves and their paths. Second, it is beautiful and inspiring to ME to see so many people indicating a life that started with deep pain -- such as RAPE and family members COMMITTING SUICIDE -- and see their story end with "hope" or "looking forward" and the like. Take a gander. Take a goose.
Go deep in a shallow manner.
Go deep in a shallow manner.
The Key
Yesterday, my amazing friend Lori Baldwin uttered very timely words to me and a group of friends. They are words I already believed, but it was nice to hear them again. In so many words she said: “I had an epiphany recently. Life is really just a dream. And in our dreams, we can create whatever we want.” Think about your dreams. What kind of crazy shit do you have going on in there?? I know mine are always weird, nonsensical and random. And as they are simply reflections of our consciousness in that moment, so is life, because the reality we perceive as life is but a dream that we are experiencing.
I believe where a lot of people get stuck in their ability to create what they want out of life is down the avenue of Gratitude. Sure, you may have strolled down it before, you may even know Gratitude Ave. like the back of your hand...but I believe in all of us, there is something down that street of which we have never before taken notice. I can’t tell you what that is, because everyone’s stroll has been different, so I challenge you to see what it is for you. Now, the reason I hypothesize this is based on experiences I’ve shared with myself, as well as experiences I’ve shared with others. When I reflect on my experience with life, creation and gratitude, a set of lyrics from “Grey,” one of my favorite Ani DiFranco songs, comes to mind. I’ve posted the set to which I’m referring immediately below, as well as the whole song -- in case you’re interested -- at the very bottom of this post.
I know I’ve felt this way, really as a constant in my life, and I firmly believe we all have felt this way. No matter what side of the spectrum on which we lie, I believe we have all experienced this wanting, this desire, this loneliness in our lives to some degree. I used to let myself wallow in such melancholy, thinking it was cathartic. And who knows, it may have been...but what I believe now is that wallowing there does not ultimately serve me. Another friend posted yesterday on her Facebook page: “When you notice you are not getting what you want, instead notice what you aren’t getting that you don’t want.” I think that’s a first step. I think the next step is FULL-ON gratitude! In my opinion, the “tiny, shiny key” to which the song refers is Gratitude; Gratitude, for whatever circumstances may come to you, is the key to forward movement. If I’m having a horrendous day, I can see it as hell and sulk, or I can look at it with the mindset of “Well, thank god that day is over, on to the next!” or “Wow, if I’m having such a bad day, I wonder how the women in Iraq are doing. Thank you for blessing me with this life.”
To further this acknowledgment in your life, here are some questions to get you going:
For what kind of Paradise are you looking?
If you don’t have said Paradise, then what is getting in your way?
For what are you grateful today – really, genuinely grateful?
How can you be grateful and take your next step?
For your enjoyment, here are the full lyrics to "Grey," by Ani DiFranco, from the album "Reveling and Reckoning: Reckoning":
I believe where a lot of people get stuck in their ability to create what they want out of life is down the avenue of Gratitude. Sure, you may have strolled down it before, you may even know Gratitude Ave. like the back of your hand...but I believe in all of us, there is something down that street of which we have never before taken notice. I can’t tell you what that is, because everyone’s stroll has been different, so I challenge you to see what it is for you. Now, the reason I hypothesize this is based on experiences I’ve shared with myself, as well as experiences I’ve shared with others. When I reflect on my experience with life, creation and gratitude, a set of lyrics from “Grey,” one of my favorite Ani DiFranco songs, comes to mind. I’ve posted the set to which I’m referring immediately below, as well as the whole song -- in case you’re interested -- at the very bottom of this post.
“My little pink heart is on its little brown raft, floating out to sea…What kind of Paradise am I looking for? I’ve got everything I wanted, but still I want more. Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore…Regretfully, I guess I’ve got three simple things to say: Why me? Why this, now? Why this way?”
I know I’ve felt this way, really as a constant in my life, and I firmly believe we all have felt this way. No matter what side of the spectrum on which we lie, I believe we have all experienced this wanting, this desire, this loneliness in our lives to some degree. I used to let myself wallow in such melancholy, thinking it was cathartic. And who knows, it may have been...but what I believe now is that wallowing there does not ultimately serve me. Another friend posted yesterday on her Facebook page: “When you notice you are not getting what you want, instead notice what you aren’t getting that you don’t want.” I think that’s a first step. I think the next step is FULL-ON gratitude! In my opinion, the “tiny, shiny key” to which the song refers is Gratitude; Gratitude, for whatever circumstances may come to you, is the key to forward movement. If I’m having a horrendous day, I can see it as hell and sulk, or I can look at it with the mindset of “Well, thank god that day is over, on to the next!” or “Wow, if I’m having such a bad day, I wonder how the women in Iraq are doing. Thank you for blessing me with this life.”
To further this acknowledgment in your life, here are some questions to get you going:
For what kind of Paradise are you looking?
If you don’t have said Paradise, then what is getting in your way?
For what are you grateful today – really, genuinely grateful?
How can you be grateful and take your next step?
For your enjoyment, here are the full lyrics to "Grey," by Ani DiFranco, from the album "Reveling and Reckoning: Reckoning":
The sky is grey
The sand is grey and
The ocean is grey.
I feel right at home
In this stunning monochrome,
Alone in my way.
I smoke and I drink and
Every time I blink
I have a tiny dream.
But as bad as I am,
I'm proud of the fact
That I'm worse than I seem.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore...
You walk through my walls
Like a ghost on TV
You penetrate me
And my little pink heart
Is on its little brown raft,
Floating out to sea.
And what can I say but
I'm wired this way?
And you're wired to me...
And what can I do
But wallow in you
Unintentionally?
Oh, what kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore.
Regretfully,
I guess I've got three
Simple things to say:
Why me?
Why this, now?
Why this way?
Th'overtone's ringing,
Undertow's pulling away
Under a sky that is grey
On sand that is grey
By an ocean that's grey!
And what kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I wanted and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny, shiny key will wash up on the shore...
4.10.2010
Where IS Wyan??
You may be wondering who Wyan is. You may not be. Who knows. HOWEVER, no matter how much you know about Wyan, you can learn more about him here:
http://whereswyan.blogspot.com/
Definitely check this out, you will be very glad you did. :)
http://whereswyan.blogspot.com/
Definitely check this out, you will be very glad you did. :)
Pain Is a Warning Bell
Many people (including me more often than I'd like to admit) perceive pain as an evil. And I think much of that is due to the Happiness Revolution that began a few decades ago. During this revolution, it was taught that everyone's main focus should be happiness -- often avoiding the intricacies that pain offers to us. Consequently, many people feel pain and then avoid it. They try to turn it off -- an impossible endeavor -- and do away with it, thus creating a false sense of happiness and never achieving true joy in their lives. They live with a sinking feeling (whether consciously realized or not) and numb themselves to true, pure joy. Joy comes from seeing pain for what it is, thanking it for providing you whatever lessons may come of it, and passing it on to the rest of the Universe as a gift, not a curse.
One experience of pain (and in my opinion, the highest-functioning) is as a warning bell. When an experience hurts, it’s often an alarm going off trying to get our attention that something needs to change. It serves the same function as physical pain. If I touch a hot stove and it burns my finger, I know to pull away ASAP.
However, when it comes to emotional or spiritual pain, we often refuse to listen and instead play the victim. We say, or think: “Ouch! This hurts! But I can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way things are. I’d rather stay where I am than face the uncertainty of change.”...and so on. Focus on the irony: Would we do this with physical pain?? If we put our finger on a hot stove and felt the burn, would we linger there with our finger thinking "Damn! I'm stuck here in this pain! I need to think about what I should do next. If I remove my finger from that which just caused it pain, I'm not sure if I will be hurt again or even more so, so I think I'll just keep it here on the stove while I figure out what to do next"?? No! And if you ever encountered someone doing that, you would immediately go to help them, and most likely judge them to be insane for doing so! So why do we engage in that type of activity with emotional or spiritual pain? Too often for comfort, I see people living in their pain. Rather than feeling the pain, realizing that something needs to change and then immediately enacting that next step, TOO MANY PEOPLE learn instead to live with the alarm bells going off 24/7.
When you listen to that warning bell and take action as a result, it doesn’t simply stop the pain. It also leads you in a positive direction. As you will experience later (whether it be immediate or cumulative), the effect of those positive steps can be huge. But it is about taking the first step. The following are questions you can use to help yourself cope with pain and with change:
* What positive change could this be catalyzing?
* What is this pain telling me? What can I do about it? Where can I go from here?
* What do I need to learn to help me move past this pain?
One experience of pain (and in my opinion, the highest-functioning) is as a warning bell. When an experience hurts, it’s often an alarm going off trying to get our attention that something needs to change. It serves the same function as physical pain. If I touch a hot stove and it burns my finger, I know to pull away ASAP.
However, when it comes to emotional or spiritual pain, we often refuse to listen and instead play the victim. We say, or think: “Ouch! This hurts! But I can’t do anything about it. That’s just the way things are. I’d rather stay where I am than face the uncertainty of change.”...and so on. Focus on the irony: Would we do this with physical pain?? If we put our finger on a hot stove and felt the burn, would we linger there with our finger thinking "Damn! I'm stuck here in this pain! I need to think about what I should do next. If I remove my finger from that which just caused it pain, I'm not sure if I will be hurt again or even more so, so I think I'll just keep it here on the stove while I figure out what to do next"?? No! And if you ever encountered someone doing that, you would immediately go to help them, and most likely judge them to be insane for doing so! So why do we engage in that type of activity with emotional or spiritual pain? Too often for comfort, I see people living in their pain. Rather than feeling the pain, realizing that something needs to change and then immediately enacting that next step, TOO MANY PEOPLE learn instead to live with the alarm bells going off 24/7.
When you listen to that warning bell and take action as a result, it doesn’t simply stop the pain. It also leads you in a positive direction. As you will experience later (whether it be immediate or cumulative), the effect of those positive steps can be huge. But it is about taking the first step. The following are questions you can use to help yourself cope with pain and with change:
* What positive change could this be catalyzing?
* What is this pain telling me? What can I do about it? Where can I go from here?
* What do I need to learn to help me move past this pain?
4.08.2010
It's The Journey, Not The Destination
I’ve lived my whole life really easily. I’ve become comfortable with not trying. Life always came REALLY REALLY easily in all aspects. I was brilliant, a prodigy, so I never had to work to achieve any greatness or substance throughout school. The quintessential reference I use is when I was a freshman in college and never went to my Environmental Science class, because it was too early in the morning for my lazy ass, but I would ace every single test without studying or coming to class or anything, Even though that was the subject I knew least about, I always aced the tests because somehow the information just came to me, it was just there and it all made sense. I’d be one of the first three done with every test I took and I’d leave the class and go hang out at my friend’s dorms and surf the internet and just chill. Really, it was a great time, other than the random bouts of guilt I felt.
Throughout my life, even well past childhood, I got basically whatever I wanted, served to me on a platter. It’s not that I was a spoiled kid, and I was not bratty in the least. My parents had taught me to be polite and humble and respect that which I was given, and because I was the baby and the only boy, my parents would just give me everything in the world. I wouldn’t ask for it, I wouldn’t cry about it, and I mean, there are some things that I wanted that I never got, but overall I got basically whatever I wanted, and was treated as if I deserved the world. It was a great upbringing. Even after the divorce, I still got a lot…my mom felt like it would keep us happy and feeling normal and keep us from hating our lives and keep us together as a family if we went on a bunch of vacations, so my teens were filled with vacations to amazing places at least once a year. I mean, what 12-year-old can say that two years prior, his father had rocked our world by leaving us, thus taking away about two-thirds of the income, and now he was going to Hawai’i and staying in a $500-a-night beachside resort, followed the next year by heading to Florida and cruising to Key West (where his mom bought him an indigenous-style tribal mask that cost $125) and then to Cozumel, Mexico – a location that most adults have always wanted to visit yet never have? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had a very privileged childhood, but I never felt I deserved any of it.
As a child, I was always surprised when I received things because I never had any forethought that I “deserved” those things, or that I “should” have things, so I never tacked onto those items the belief that I was more worthy than others for receiving the items. Conversely, after my parents divorced, my soul spiraled to utter death and I tacked onto EVERYthing that it meant that I didn’t deserve love and that I wasn’t worthy of ANYthing. Spending a dream-week in Hawai’i wouldn’t change that. Spending a week cruising the West Caribbean wouldn’t change that. Being given the gift from my family of flying alone to Missouri to meet up with them instead of having to fly out earlier with them and miss a play I was supposed to be in didn’t change that belief. Additionally, within the span of ten years of my childhood (a liberal allotment for the purposes of this post), traveling to Illinois (at least once every year or two), Jackson Hole and Yellowstone a couple times, Montana, Idaho, California (at least once or twice a year), Arizona a few times, Wyoming, Kansas several times, Nebraska, Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Mexico, Florida and Vegas a few times never changed that. Cruising from L.A. to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas didn’t change it. Borrowing my dad’s truck with 3 of my friends and going on a Senior Trip to San Francisco, spending all my money on beautiful clothes and hanging out on the piers, visiting Angel Island and Alcatraz and living it up, three teenagers running amok in Frisco didn’t change any beliefs I held.
The next year, when I road tripped with a friend to San Francisco, Vegas, L.A. – where her rich aunt put us up in the nicest hotel in the city for free so we wouldn’t have to sleep in the car or a hostel – and then, after calling my dad and asking him to wire us a couple hundred more dollars so we could continue our vacation, stopped into Phoenix to visit another friend before all three of us then headed to Puerto Penasco in Baja California, Mexico to spend a weekend for free in the Phoenix friend’s boyfriend’s multi-million-dollar BEACHSIDE CONDO with a rainforest shower right outside the back door and prime access to the beach just by exiting the back door didn’t even prove those “I’m irreparably broken and unworthy” beliefs to be wrong. Hell, even just recently, the five amazing, basically free days I spent in Cabo barely changed any of those beliefs! Even going to Vegas with my best friend and receiving everything down there for free, including several hundred dollars to gamble with, $250 in beautiful Armani Exchange clothing and even the tattoos on my wrists – which so deeply define me as a spirit in this secular world – didn’t remove my limiting beliefs.
One belief I carried around to define and make sense of most of these events remained: that these were all just things I had to do, as part of the family, or as a good friend, or just because the vacation was something I decided to do in my life, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me special. Over the last thirteen years, who else could go on forty-four vacations personally costing me under probably two or three grand TOTAL and still hold the belief that life is ordinary and plain and that I don’t deserve anything and that I had such a terrible childhood?? And that’s really only the vacations that came easily to my mind…there were others I’m remembering even now that I went on with my dad and his new family throughout those years… On the conservative estimate, that’s one vacation every 4 months, if not more often, for thirteen years straight, each one averaging me ONLY $45-$100. And they were never run-of-the-mill vacations, either. They were fabulous vacations that would make most any other person incredibly jealous and excited.
When I went to Iceland, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else, really for one reason only. I felt like it was something normal, so I didn’t know how to convey to others how amazing it in fact was. Everyone asked me when I returned “Wow, how was that??” with such eager anticipation and I killed it with “Yeah, it was pretty superb/amazing/wonderful.” I could see the excited look in their face just sit there waiting for more detail about exactly just how unique and special it was, and I could find no words to say…in my eyes, it felt special (a little), but it seemed so run-of-the-mill to me…I mean, it’s Iceland for god sake! That is not a run-of-the-mill locale, but it felt like it to me because I took it for granted so quickly. Right now, I’m planning my year out, and I plan to head to Pismo Beach, India, and back to Iceland and I’m not incredibly inspired by it…not as much as I think I should be, at least. When people learn my plans to visit India, they inquire “Wow, what for!? How amazing would that be??” and my only reply is “Yeah. I mean, I haven’t experienced it, so I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be pretty awesome.”
And truthfully, part of me is nervous I’ll spend the thousand to fly there and totally not enjoy it. And I think that is why part of me is putting off earning the money to go. I have a virtually perfect setup: I have a continuous temporary job that expires the last week of May (right before my lease ends and right before I want to head out to Pismo) that will earn me almost enough to visit Pismo and India, and I just got hired on with the text-answer service ChaCha, which will provide me with probably an extra $300 a month while I’m still in the states, as well as once I’m overseas, and I am sabotaging it already. I can only assume I am because I’m apprehensive about not enjoying India, so instead of potentially waste the money, I’d rather just fuck myself over so I can’t go in the first place. But why?? Because if I go, and I spend all that money, and I don’t like it, then not only will I be out the money that I spent time saving up, but even deeper, I’ll be wrong, and I’ll have to deal with telling everyone that I didn’t really enjoy it, and see their faces sink once again. Just in this one sentence, I have made up so many stories that go very deep and completely run my life if I don’t stay aware of them…think about how many other stories I and we all create for the REST of our lives…
First off: I don’t HAVE to tell anyone anything about my trip. Well, actually, that should be at least second…let’s go a little further back…first off, I don’t have to retain the belief around money that I currently have, which is that I have to work, doing something I hate to receive any of it, especially any amount in excess. So far, I have not had ANY experience otherwise. I wish I could break through that belief because it limits me so heavily…I’d say it is the belief I have that most limits my life and my expression of myself. Oh my God, I could go so deep with this one…and even though it’s way too late, I am going to, because right now is the time, I feel it…Maybe it limits me from expressing my true self most because it is the challenge that I need to face in order to express myself freely, and once I truly do that, especially on a consistent basis, then I will break that limit…it’s not about the barrier being broken (or me waiting for the barrier to be removed for me) in order for me to be free; it is that being free breaks the barrier. But I have lost myself and felt identity-less for so long that I don’t know what aspect of me is the “right” aspect to express freely. And I don’t want to hurt people by expressing myself how I want and then later learning that that was a juvenile part of me and as I mature and find my true self I find something else in me that is the “actual me” and I’m not believed because I cried wolf in a sense by expressing something else totally different, and branding myself in a totally different way. I wonder who else and how many others think of expressing themselves as branding themselves. My mindset is SO businessman, it’s freakin’ crazy. Probably literally. If only I could execute, I would be the perfect businessman or business partner.
Maybe I will learn to execute by being Myself. By ascertaining the real Me, and creating routines around that Me in order to procure a stable and consistent Me then I will be able to learn how to execute in a business manner as well. Now I feel almost complete…The things I want to do most in the world are: to learn how to execute efficiently and create immense value in this world (financially); to learn how to SCUBA dive, surf, dance ballet professionally, and play the piano; to go skydiving; to get fit and FINE and go out to a sexy gay club and “superparty it up” as I like to call it and have gorgeous sweaty men all over me and glitter and confetti falling all around us have the time of my life ALL THE TIME; and to be a leader, evolver and mover-and-shaker in politics, specifically in the gay movement, beginning at the regional level, then moving up to the state level, then moving up to the national level and then enjoying the international arena. With all of that accomplished, I would feel I’d lived a truly full and successful life, and would know that there was much more incredible life to come. I’m beginning this by fully quitting smoking cold turkey and implementing P90X again in my life. I have created systems to assist me in really achieving these goals: Creating sheets to hang up on my bedroom wall where I can mark off how many days I’ve been free of nicotine and how many days I’ve exercised with P90X that basically congratulate me for doing both those things, as well as hanging up lighters around my room that have a paper taped to them that says “NO!!” in bold lettering, so that it reminds me that even picking up any part of the habit is something I’ve committed to myself that I never want to do. Additionally, I’ve planned my schedule out such that I create a routine that works for me in that I wake up every morning between 5 and 5:30 (based on that day’s events) and workout for an hour and get everything ready first thing of the day, before I even go to work so that I’m in a routine mindset where working out comes first no matter what, and so I’m always energized for the day before I head to work, thereby starting my day off with MUCH more clarity and peace of mind.
Hmm, I feel like there’s a sliver more somewhere in me, but I can’t immediately find it and I’d rather get a decent amount of sleep tonight than stay up for hours searching for it…and after getting all of that out, I can finally get to sleep anyhow, haha. So good night, thanks for listening, and I truly hope this inspired you somewhere in your life…somewhere deep. I know it did for me.
Peace and Love, Blog Buddies
Upcoming blogs to look forward to this week:
“A Letter To My Body,” “How Kindness Has Affected My Life” and “My Calm and Rational But Nowhere Near P.C. Beliefs About Religion” – Enjoy!
Throughout my life, even well past childhood, I got basically whatever I wanted, served to me on a platter. It’s not that I was a spoiled kid, and I was not bratty in the least. My parents had taught me to be polite and humble and respect that which I was given, and because I was the baby and the only boy, my parents would just give me everything in the world. I wouldn’t ask for it, I wouldn’t cry about it, and I mean, there are some things that I wanted that I never got, but overall I got basically whatever I wanted, and was treated as if I deserved the world. It was a great upbringing. Even after the divorce, I still got a lot…my mom felt like it would keep us happy and feeling normal and keep us from hating our lives and keep us together as a family if we went on a bunch of vacations, so my teens were filled with vacations to amazing places at least once a year. I mean, what 12-year-old can say that two years prior, his father had rocked our world by leaving us, thus taking away about two-thirds of the income, and now he was going to Hawai’i and staying in a $500-a-night beachside resort, followed the next year by heading to Florida and cruising to Key West (where his mom bought him an indigenous-style tribal mask that cost $125) and then to Cozumel, Mexico – a location that most adults have always wanted to visit yet never have? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had a very privileged childhood, but I never felt I deserved any of it.
As a child, I was always surprised when I received things because I never had any forethought that I “deserved” those things, or that I “should” have things, so I never tacked onto those items the belief that I was more worthy than others for receiving the items. Conversely, after my parents divorced, my soul spiraled to utter death and I tacked onto EVERYthing that it meant that I didn’t deserve love and that I wasn’t worthy of ANYthing. Spending a dream-week in Hawai’i wouldn’t change that. Spending a week cruising the West Caribbean wouldn’t change that. Being given the gift from my family of flying alone to Missouri to meet up with them instead of having to fly out earlier with them and miss a play I was supposed to be in didn’t change that belief. Additionally, within the span of ten years of my childhood (a liberal allotment for the purposes of this post), traveling to Illinois (at least once every year or two), Jackson Hole and Yellowstone a couple times, Montana, Idaho, California (at least once or twice a year), Arizona a few times, Wyoming, Kansas several times, Nebraska, Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Mexico, Florida and Vegas a few times never changed that. Cruising from L.A. to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas didn’t change it. Borrowing my dad’s truck with 3 of my friends and going on a Senior Trip to San Francisco, spending all my money on beautiful clothes and hanging out on the piers, visiting Angel Island and Alcatraz and living it up, three teenagers running amok in Frisco didn’t change any beliefs I held.
The next year, when I road tripped with a friend to San Francisco, Vegas, L.A. – where her rich aunt put us up in the nicest hotel in the city for free so we wouldn’t have to sleep in the car or a hostel – and then, after calling my dad and asking him to wire us a couple hundred more dollars so we could continue our vacation, stopped into Phoenix to visit another friend before all three of us then headed to Puerto Penasco in Baja California, Mexico to spend a weekend for free in the Phoenix friend’s boyfriend’s multi-million-dollar BEACHSIDE CONDO with a rainforest shower right outside the back door and prime access to the beach just by exiting the back door didn’t even prove those “I’m irreparably broken and unworthy” beliefs to be wrong. Hell, even just recently, the five amazing, basically free days I spent in Cabo barely changed any of those beliefs! Even going to Vegas with my best friend and receiving everything down there for free, including several hundred dollars to gamble with, $250 in beautiful Armani Exchange clothing and even the tattoos on my wrists – which so deeply define me as a spirit in this secular world – didn’t remove my limiting beliefs.
One belief I carried around to define and make sense of most of these events remained: that these were all just things I had to do, as part of the family, or as a good friend, or just because the vacation was something I decided to do in my life, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me special. Over the last thirteen years, who else could go on forty-four vacations personally costing me under probably two or three grand TOTAL and still hold the belief that life is ordinary and plain and that I don’t deserve anything and that I had such a terrible childhood?? And that’s really only the vacations that came easily to my mind…there were others I’m remembering even now that I went on with my dad and his new family throughout those years… On the conservative estimate, that’s one vacation every 4 months, if not more often, for thirteen years straight, each one averaging me ONLY $45-$100. And they were never run-of-the-mill vacations, either. They were fabulous vacations that would make most any other person incredibly jealous and excited.
When I went to Iceland, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else, really for one reason only. I felt like it was something normal, so I didn’t know how to convey to others how amazing it in fact was. Everyone asked me when I returned “Wow, how was that??” with such eager anticipation and I killed it with “Yeah, it was pretty superb/amazing/wonderful.” I could see the excited look in their face just sit there waiting for more detail about exactly just how unique and special it was, and I could find no words to say…in my eyes, it felt special (a little), but it seemed so run-of-the-mill to me…I mean, it’s Iceland for god sake! That is not a run-of-the-mill locale, but it felt like it to me because I took it for granted so quickly. Right now, I’m planning my year out, and I plan to head to Pismo Beach, India, and back to Iceland and I’m not incredibly inspired by it…not as much as I think I should be, at least. When people learn my plans to visit India, they inquire “Wow, what for!? How amazing would that be??” and my only reply is “Yeah. I mean, I haven’t experienced it, so I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be pretty awesome.”
And truthfully, part of me is nervous I’ll spend the thousand to fly there and totally not enjoy it. And I think that is why part of me is putting off earning the money to go. I have a virtually perfect setup: I have a continuous temporary job that expires the last week of May (right before my lease ends and right before I want to head out to Pismo) that will earn me almost enough to visit Pismo and India, and I just got hired on with the text-answer service ChaCha, which will provide me with probably an extra $300 a month while I’m still in the states, as well as once I’m overseas, and I am sabotaging it already. I can only assume I am because I’m apprehensive about not enjoying India, so instead of potentially waste the money, I’d rather just fuck myself over so I can’t go in the first place. But why?? Because if I go, and I spend all that money, and I don’t like it, then not only will I be out the money that I spent time saving up, but even deeper, I’ll be wrong, and I’ll have to deal with telling everyone that I didn’t really enjoy it, and see their faces sink once again. Just in this one sentence, I have made up so many stories that go very deep and completely run my life if I don’t stay aware of them…think about how many other stories I and we all create for the REST of our lives…
First off: I don’t HAVE to tell anyone anything about my trip. Well, actually, that should be at least second…let’s go a little further back…first off, I don’t have to retain the belief around money that I currently have, which is that I have to work, doing something I hate to receive any of it, especially any amount in excess. So far, I have not had ANY experience otherwise. I wish I could break through that belief because it limits me so heavily…I’d say it is the belief I have that most limits my life and my expression of myself. Oh my God, I could go so deep with this one…and even though it’s way too late, I am going to, because right now is the time, I feel it…Maybe it limits me from expressing my true self most because it is the challenge that I need to face in order to express myself freely, and once I truly do that, especially on a consistent basis, then I will break that limit…it’s not about the barrier being broken (or me waiting for the barrier to be removed for me) in order for me to be free; it is that being free breaks the barrier. But I have lost myself and felt identity-less for so long that I don’t know what aspect of me is the “right” aspect to express freely. And I don’t want to hurt people by expressing myself how I want and then later learning that that was a juvenile part of me and as I mature and find my true self I find something else in me that is the “actual me” and I’m not believed because I cried wolf in a sense by expressing something else totally different, and branding myself in a totally different way. I wonder who else and how many others think of expressing themselves as branding themselves. My mindset is SO businessman, it’s freakin’ crazy. Probably literally. If only I could execute, I would be the perfect businessman or business partner.
Maybe I will learn to execute by being Myself. By ascertaining the real Me, and creating routines around that Me in order to procure a stable and consistent Me then I will be able to learn how to execute in a business manner as well. Now I feel almost complete…The things I want to do most in the world are: to learn how to execute efficiently and create immense value in this world (financially); to learn how to SCUBA dive, surf, dance ballet professionally, and play the piano; to go skydiving; to get fit and FINE and go out to a sexy gay club and “superparty it up” as I like to call it and have gorgeous sweaty men all over me and glitter and confetti falling all around us have the time of my life ALL THE TIME; and to be a leader, evolver and mover-and-shaker in politics, specifically in the gay movement, beginning at the regional level, then moving up to the state level, then moving up to the national level and then enjoying the international arena. With all of that accomplished, I would feel I’d lived a truly full and successful life, and would know that there was much more incredible life to come. I’m beginning this by fully quitting smoking cold turkey and implementing P90X again in my life. I have created systems to assist me in really achieving these goals: Creating sheets to hang up on my bedroom wall where I can mark off how many days I’ve been free of nicotine and how many days I’ve exercised with P90X that basically congratulate me for doing both those things, as well as hanging up lighters around my room that have a paper taped to them that says “NO!!” in bold lettering, so that it reminds me that even picking up any part of the habit is something I’ve committed to myself that I never want to do. Additionally, I’ve planned my schedule out such that I create a routine that works for me in that I wake up every morning between 5 and 5:30 (based on that day’s events) and workout for an hour and get everything ready first thing of the day, before I even go to work so that I’m in a routine mindset where working out comes first no matter what, and so I’m always energized for the day before I head to work, thereby starting my day off with MUCH more clarity and peace of mind.
Hmm, I feel like there’s a sliver more somewhere in me, but I can’t immediately find it and I’d rather get a decent amount of sleep tonight than stay up for hours searching for it…and after getting all of that out, I can finally get to sleep anyhow, haha. So good night, thanks for listening, and I truly hope this inspired you somewhere in your life…somewhere deep. I know it did for me.
Peace and Love, Blog Buddies
Upcoming blogs to look forward to this week:
“A Letter To My Body,” “How Kindness Has Affected My Life” and “My Calm and Rational But Nowhere Near P.C. Beliefs About Religion” – Enjoy!
Final Thoughts of Wed. April 7th, 2010
What I’ve learned today from cooking:
1. When you cook white wine with cheese, and then let it cool afterward, it IMMEDIATELY hardens into an immovable, flan-like substance. Whether you shake it up and down, or turn it upside down or sideways, it will still NOT MOVE. However, if and only if you shake it like you do a pancake or an omelet, then it will move and suddenly return to the fluid, runny mess it was before it cooled!
2. When cooking Manchego cheese, your house WILL smell like a foot…or more like a sweaty locker room……Hmm, when I think about it that way, it doesn’t seem to be such a bad thing…
3. That Ricotta cheese will evidently NEVER change its shape…Even after 30 minutes of boiling and simmering, it retains its exact form. WHAT?? Haha.
4. Cooking makes me feel alive, and is cathartic for me. After a long, arduous day of struggle, I can come home and cook, and even if what I’m cooking doesn’t turn out perfectly or even decently (haha), I still feel really good about my accomplishments, and that’s very different from basically anything else in my life. Man, I feel kind of like Julie and Julia! Haha!
Love Peace Love
P.S. -- these are my favorite quotes from last night's Realtime podcast:
Bill Maher: “What do you think about Sarah Palin?”
Gore Vidal: “I don’t think about her at all!”
“I’ve heard about it, but I’ve never practiced true love.” – Gore Vidal
1. When you cook white wine with cheese, and then let it cool afterward, it IMMEDIATELY hardens into an immovable, flan-like substance. Whether you shake it up and down, or turn it upside down or sideways, it will still NOT MOVE. However, if and only if you shake it like you do a pancake or an omelet, then it will move and suddenly return to the fluid, runny mess it was before it cooled!
2. When cooking Manchego cheese, your house WILL smell like a foot…or more like a sweaty locker room……Hmm, when I think about it that way, it doesn’t seem to be such a bad thing…
3. That Ricotta cheese will evidently NEVER change its shape…Even after 30 minutes of boiling and simmering, it retains its exact form. WHAT?? Haha.
4. Cooking makes me feel alive, and is cathartic for me. After a long, arduous day of struggle, I can come home and cook, and even if what I’m cooking doesn’t turn out perfectly or even decently (haha), I still feel really good about my accomplishments, and that’s very different from basically anything else in my life. Man, I feel kind of like Julie and Julia! Haha!
Love Peace Love
P.S. -- these are my favorite quotes from last night's Realtime podcast:
Bill Maher: “What do you think about Sarah Palin?”
Gore Vidal: “I don’t think about her at all!”
“I’ve heard about it, but I’ve never practiced true love.” – Gore Vidal
4.07.2010
The Honeymooners
I think love is a chance for us to grow as human and spiritual beings, where two don’t become one but learn how to grow together on separate paths, each complementing the other. I've never been able to put it into words that well, so I stole those words from someone else. And I'm glad I read this and was able to wrap my world around these words. This weekend, I've been struggling a bit with love...what my concept of it is, how I feel it should look, the entropy that has defined my love life and consequently, my beliefs about love and further consequently, my behaviors in love. I have come to the realization that I have never really felt love for anyone. I have felt perhaps what mankind coins as love for a few people, and I have garnered much respect for many others as well. And I've now fully come to the realization that I cannot yet say with integrity that I have ever felt and behaved in the manner of deep, spiritual love. How empowering. A few blogs ago, a blog buddy of mine commented that I am too hard on myself, in her experience. Since then, I have noticed when I am being too hard on myself, and have scaled it back a little bit. I had never seen myself as being too hard on myself because my only experience with discipline and then forward movement was being beat by my dad and then going through Great Life. Not two amazing examples of taking the easy road of disciplining oneself...Haha. Oh, wow...that may be why I have never cared to learn self-discipline...I've always seen it as limiting and angry and "hard." But if I am making up the terms on which I will be disciplined, then it can be whatever it will be for me, as long as it works....what a fresh new way to look at self-discipline! I feel complete with this blog, even though it seems neither linear nor resolved whatsoever, to the outside eye. But it feels good to me right now. May Peace, Love and Gratitude fly with you.
4.06.2010
Monday, April 5, 2010, 12:43 AM
Tonight, I'm learning to be free. And it is truly scaring the shit out of me, because that means I don't get to have control, something I've long held in my life, the thing most highly sought after my whole life.
I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.
I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?
I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.
Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.
Love and Peace!
I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.
"It might never be the same, we may never be able to live those days gone by, but we can try."
I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?
I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.
Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.
Love and Peace!
4.04.2010
Kindness
Kindness is new... I'm not sure what to write about it because I haven't often experienced it, in others or in myself. (When I say I haven't "Experienced" it, it doesn't mean it hasn't been around me trying to engage in me, I simply may have been not allowing it to engage with me)
So the other day, I went to a friend's house who I just barely met...her name is Angel Shannon, and you can find her, or her product Tranquility Circle, on my Facebook page. She read my blog the other day and was concerned about me so she offered me her services for free, and of course I welcomed the offer, as I believe when things are offered to people, especially for free, it is the Universe's way of saying "This is for you, take it." So I went. I have no idea how to exactly describe the meeting, but to sum it up it was kind of like a counseling session, I guess. After all the processing, and after all the tears, laughter and serious talk, we came down to an agreement on kindness. I have NEVER cared to be kind to anyone -- literally EVER -- unless I received an ROI. Kindness was simply about what I would get back because of what I put out, and if I could foresee no valuable ROI, it wasn't worth my time and effort, and I wouldn't make the effort to be kind. Angel assisted me in seeing the value of kindness in my life and in the lives of others (among other very deep realizations about myself, my past and my ability to shape my future) and it was very powerful. So I am challenging myself to be kind every day. Angel challenged me to take at least an hour every day to make a concerted effort to be kind to everyone, no matter who they were or what they could or could not do for me. But I've taken it one further and am doing everything I can do at all times to be kind to people. But I'm not going to be a perfectionist and beat myself up if I don't do it. I've already started and I've already slipped up and I've mostly been inspired by my ability to do something I had no faith in myself doing. So it's lookin' up, and we'll see where it goes from here :)
So the other day, I went to a friend's house who I just barely met...her name is Angel Shannon, and you can find her, or her product Tranquility Circle, on my Facebook page. She read my blog the other day and was concerned about me so she offered me her services for free, and of course I welcomed the offer, as I believe when things are offered to people, especially for free, it is the Universe's way of saying "This is for you, take it." So I went. I have no idea how to exactly describe the meeting, but to sum it up it was kind of like a counseling session, I guess. After all the processing, and after all the tears, laughter and serious talk, we came down to an agreement on kindness. I have NEVER cared to be kind to anyone -- literally EVER -- unless I received an ROI. Kindness was simply about what I would get back because of what I put out, and if I could foresee no valuable ROI, it wasn't worth my time and effort, and I wouldn't make the effort to be kind. Angel assisted me in seeing the value of kindness in my life and in the lives of others (among other very deep realizations about myself, my past and my ability to shape my future) and it was very powerful. So I am challenging myself to be kind every day. Angel challenged me to take at least an hour every day to make a concerted effort to be kind to everyone, no matter who they were or what they could or could not do for me. But I've taken it one further and am doing everything I can do at all times to be kind to people. But I'm not going to be a perfectionist and beat myself up if I don't do it. I've already started and I've already slipped up and I've mostly been inspired by my ability to do something I had no faith in myself doing. So it's lookin' up, and we'll see where it goes from here :)
4.03.2010
Look Forward
I just had one of the greatest, forward-moving-est :) experiences of my life this morning, and I'm going to write a blog about it. But not now. I am giving it time to soak in and I'll write possibly one of the best blogs I've ever written in order to share with you the power of what I experienced and learned today. Look forward. :)
4.01.2010
Full Circle
I feel like ever since Alex broke up with me, I've been going through A LOT of pain. I've felt neglected, I've felt used, I've felt like dirt, I've felt like hell....rarely have I felt happy, accepted, loved or worthy. Until lately. The last few days or week, I've really felt reconnected with myself, and I've felt happy, and like the world is a really great place that likes me. Ironically, after not talking to me at all this whole time, Alex added me on Facebook today and messaged me saying "I've been an ass to you and I'm sorry." First off, total kudos to him for being mature and humble and nice and sincere like that. Second, this is another example to me of how the Universe works when I let it. When I clear the blockages I've put in my path, the Universe starts working for me...or moreso, WITH me. Well, I'm actually gonna change what I wrote: it's not that the Universe is ever working with OR against me. The Universe is always there just being, and I am putting blocks in my way and then blaming everything else but myself. And then when I remove them, I don't see that it was me that put them in the way and then I return to blaming the Universe. But it's really just unaccountability getting in the way of my vision. Good to learn.
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