Birthday Blog!!

I know, my birthday is not OFFICIALLY until tomorrow, but I am just so excited for it!!!! :D This is the first birthday I've actually been excited for since I was, like, 5 maybe? I can't even remember. I remember I always looooovvvved Christmas, 'cause I got presents AND I got to see all my loved ones open their presents, too, and I always felt like my birthday was nothing special, and I half-wished that others would be getting presents on my birthday too.
This year, my birthday is all about me :) Yes, I will be spending it with all of my closest, dearest friends, and I will be having a raucous time around a bunch of other people, but it is my first conscious self-birth day. I am finally celebrating all that is me...no rejecting, not denying, no deflecting or lying, I am embracing all that is about me and taking it to the extreme :) So, yeah....HELLA excited!!! :D

Anyhow, I love this song by Switchfoot! This past year as I've been listening to it, I've felt it is so apropos as I culminate my 24th year here (I count being in the womb as a year of life, so technically, I feel that this birthday is the culmination of my 24th year, though I know in the "real world," I must continue to label myself as only 24 :)

Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLagfciU_PU

And the lyrics are posted below...enjoy! :)

"24"
by Switchfoot

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
Twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty-four dropouts
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago

Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You."

There's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty-four strong

See I'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh, I am the second man
Oh, oh, I am the second man now
Oh, oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,
You're raising the dead in me."
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I wanna see miracles, see the world change...
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name,
For more than a feeling,
For more than a cause...
I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms with You,"
And You're raising the dead in me.

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts.
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago,
Still I'm singing, "Spirit, take me up in arms..."
Yeah, I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not, not copping out.

Pandora's Box

I've been playing in my relationships in a self-constructed box of drama and lies. I believed that if I could control everything in a relationship (and if not, then at least everyONE), then I would be in a successful relationship because I wouldn't be manipulated, therefore I wouldn't be hurt. But here's the clincher: I'm the one who decided that manipulation = pain. But it doesn't. Well, it does, but ONLY if I tell myself that story. If I don't believe that thought, then it doesn't hurt. Um, hi, Freedom, I have finally met thee. I came to this conclusion as I listened to Missy Higgins's song "Steer" and the following lyrics hit it home the deepest:

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
Though you control where you go,
You can't steer

It's like she was speaking directly to me in this moment, and I took on those lyrics as a part of me in order to reflect back to myself how I behave. Long have I been manipulating and "controlling" others -- lying to myself that I am controlling them, when such a thing is not possible, because we are ALL granted with agency, and I do not hold a more powerful version of agency than anyone else holds, though I've long told myself I do.

I've spun out in these circles ever since my dad left, out of nowhere, absolutely a surprise. If he could leave out of nowhere, so could someone else -- unless I actively spent all my energy on preventing them from doing so. At this young age, I didn't realize he left because he CHOSE to. Though I blamed myself, it had nothing to do with me. His choice (and subsequent choices to further push himself away from his past life) were indications to me in my developmental stages that I was sick, bad and wrong and wasn't doing enough to keep him around. And I wouldn't have this again. I would manage every relationship from that point forward to ensure that they did not leave until I was ready, at which point I would fiercely push them away.

I went on a couple dates with this guy recently, and I fell hard. He didn't trust me, and so I went into control mode. "I want to make SURE he learns he can trust me! I want to be the one who saves him from the darkness he is currently experiencing, and then when I do that, he will want to be with me forever because I am sooooo full of light!" (Yes, I too am gagging at these thoughts as I see them in the light of truth). And what happened was my efforts pushed him away because he didn't want to be controlled. My attempts to control the situation came off as (and I now see that they really were) attempts to control HIM, and he wanted none of that, so I pushed him further and further from trusting me. How beautiful is the irony of life?

So now I am analyzing myself and my actions, to see what I can learn from them. And what I have learned is that I need to just BE. I can just be me, and still be safe. I don't need to keep my guard up, thinking someone will disappear, and then prove my beliefs right by pushing the person away. I can just trust that as I engage with him (or anyone else for that matter), that life will continue to be life just as it always has been, and that I can go with the flow of it without freaking out that the other shoe is going to drop. Because WHAT IF it drops? What if all these things I'm afraid of actually DO happen? With certainty, some of them will happen because they are aspects of life.

But it is no longer about controlling life. I see now that I have constructed this box, and it is time for me to step out of it. In this way, I can be my true potential and trust myself and trust others and enjoy life. So here we go and we'll see what happens! :D

Walking On The Moon

"Walking On The Moon"
by Apollo Leonidas


I'm walking tonight
Alone again
I'm walking outside
Remembering you and the things you said.

I want you, I desperately feel you
But you are gone.
And I am weak,
I am wrong.

I'm walking again tonight,
But this time with no beauty by my side.
The bushes glare at my
Loneliness, my fear and my hurt inside.

The dark feels deep when you're not around.
The tears sting, rolling silently down.
The moon is loud, it quiets the stars
Their light can't be seen this far.

Much like yours to my eyes,
We shade ourselves in fear.
We stab, we run, and we fly.
No closer do we get when we try to steer.

I hear that I am missed.
No one respects a liar.
I lie here: churning, hurting, dying...
You lie there: scared, sad, wasting your gifts.
No one respects a predator.
You hear nothing but lying.

I'm walking again,
Wishing you were with me.
And I write these words, Hoping
You won't come.

I'm begging, alone tonight,
Knees in the grass, bent to love.
Your face stays clean,
Your voice remains quiet.

You are like this late winter breeze
And you wear Robert Frost well.
I see your heart so you hang me
By my tongue and my heart swells.

And I'm walking alone again tonight.
I search for warmth, somewhere to call home.
I seek and don't find. You don't seek and don't find.
Maybe there's really nothing out there, just the lonely road.

Tonight, I will just walk.
I will wish for the best, as I close my eyes.
The night remains dark;
The moon shuts off its light.

Raw...

I want what I want and I want it now. That is me. :)

I learned last night that I put up A LOT of walls, and a lot of barriers to who I am, even some (still) unconsciously, and I only allow certain people to see certain things, in order to control my world and manipulate those I love...So I'm letting them down and I'm going to tell you all who I am right now.

I have a car whose brake pads are about to go out in 2 days and I have no money to get this taken care of. Yet I still drive it cuz I "need" to, and I don't let anyone know about it because it's something I don't feel like I can surmount alone, so I don't anyone to see that I'm a failure.

I have no financial stability right now and I am trying to make a way for myself in this world, and I feel that not only are all the odds stacked against me, but also that NO ONE is willing to support me in any manner. And my friends continue to prove this right.

I have no friends who I feel really deeply care about me and would go to the absolute wall for me if I ever needed them. I have one friend who I think would go 90% of the way to the wall and would then be too scared to go any further with me, and I feel that every other friend would go about 30% with/for me. That is simply not enough for me. I can't be 70+% of my relationships, it's give and receive and give back, not give and take people.

I feel really disheartened and in despair and disappointed and completely unsupported right now. I hate that I see so many other people being drama and giving each other their bullshit and their friends and family accept it, support them in it, and then do anything they possibly can to assist them through life, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to live an honest, fulfilling, loving, giving life, and no one supports me in it and in fact, day-by-day backs away from me and is unwilling to give me ANY support. I have no one who is willing to listen to me cry, I have no one who has any answers for me, and I have no one who is willing to step up and say "You know what, you're really struggling right now, so let me take this burden for you right now. It's okay, I love you." And I'm sick because of it.

The End.

Living Through White-Colored Glasses

I am realizing how DEEPLY I deserve to fill my life with things that bring me joy and fun instead of darkness and despair.

I notice that throughout my whole life, I have given myself misery because I felt I deserved only darkness. But now, I've learned to love myself, and I am applying my lessons. I am being in self-worth and love. As a result, I see light all around me. I see my aura, and it is a beautiful white. Sometimes the lining does not project as far out as other days, and sometimes it does, but the outside band of it is grey instead of white. But it is no longer pure darkness.

I noticed today that this is happening because I am more joyful. The more joyful I feel, the wider the circumference of my aura stretches, until it fills up an entire room and extends past the ceiling, as I lie in bed.

As I've many times lain in bed filled with darkness, with a dank, black, gunky aura stretching to the ceiling and beyond, I was able to decide today what the difference between the black aura and the white aura is. As I mentioned before, it is my amount of joy. One way I've procured darkness in my life as been to fill my life with despair. To fill my life with things that make me unhappy, miserable, angry, self-hating, pain and many other dark-spirit emotions. I did this to keep me stuck, I recognize that now. The things I used to fill myself with darkness include: alcohol, judgment, hatred, lying to others, lying to myself, hiding my fears from myself, angry music, bitchiness, violence, irresponsibility, shame/guilt, spending money on things I "should" spend it on, doing things in life that I "should" do instead of what I purely want to do whether or not it seems appropriate or mature, paralysis via fear of failure.

As I remember how I lay in bed on Sunday filling the room with my whiteness and experiencing that feeling, I realized I have such an expansive aura because I am choosing to experience joy in life. I am procuring light in my life in order to be successful, to feel happy and to fill my life with things that make me happy, calm, joyous, honesty, self-love and love for everyone else. I used to look at people and judge them and build up SO much anger based simply on MY OWN judgment...as if they had perpetrated a spiritual crime against me just by existing. Now, I am teaching myself how much I absolutely LOVE to notice those same differences and quirks I used to judge and instead see them as SO beautiful. And I know this could sound like fake mumbo-jumbo rhetoric, and I know in the past I used to write about myself more whimsically and hype my spiritual progression...but this is honest and beautiful. I giggle so much now -- probably, like, 70% of my life now -- because I am absolutely tickled by how sweet everyone in the world truly is. It's a feeling to experience, not explain. :)

So, over the next year, I will be actively and purposely researching what experiences bring more joy into my life. Here is a preemptive list of things I will experience, as I believe they will bring joy into my life:
1. Sky diving
2. SCUBA diving
3. Learning ballet
4. Dating
5. Eating delicious food, and trying new delicious foods
6. Meditating
7. Yoga
8. Hiking
9. Spending lots of time with my friends!
10. Learning
11. Learning foreign languages (ASL and Italian to start with)
12. Writing music and lyrics
13. Drinking wine
14. Dancing
15. Smiling
16. Hugging others and expressing the depth of my love to them
17. Blogging
18. Serving
19. Going on random road trips with friends
20. Drinking coffee
21. Loving me

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Today, I feel REALLY weird. The last couple of days, I have been totally high, feeling like I can do anything in the world, and as of yesterday, that feeling started to spiral down, and today it has officially crashed. While I am in my shit today, I see clearly. I see I am in my shit, and I see pathways I could take to get out of it, and I am still fearing that if I move in a direction, it will be the wrong direction and I will be worse off than where I came from.

And so what if that's true? What would happen if I make a move and I fail utterly? Well, I am telling myself that all my friends would leave me, and so would my family, and I would be homeless and without any money or food or love in this world. And I'd either die physically or spiritually. Okay, so what if that happens? I'll be dead. Which will happen in about 60 years or less anyhow. So why is it SUCH a big deal to me if I die now? Because I want to live every single moment, because I've wasted so much of my life (I feel). And if I die RIGHT NOW, then I will be missing out on future moments I could experience. But this moment is not about worrying about future moments. It is about living in the current moment. I want to say it is also about looking forward to the happiness in future moments, but that is really just my Ego Self trying to get back into my current moment by inveigling itself in optimism and happiness. Life is about living in the current moment, this moment, until I can no longer. And then moving on to the next moment. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. :)

Birthday Gift Ideas!! :D (Part Two)

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Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/donny-miller-slip-on.html

Shoes *I like the purple ones MOST, but I like all three of the styles, so you can't go wrong here! :)*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tri-binding-slip-on.html

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Shoes *Favorite is the Wine color*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/check-jacquard-era.html

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Birthday Gift Ideas!! :D (Part One)

As I mentioned on FaceBook, I had a LONG list of delicious desires for my day of birth....so, i decided to list them all here instead of plugging up all of your FaceBook News Feeds....how considerate of me, right?... :) I think I deserve a reward for that consideration............ HAHA
Anyhow, here's the list:

Fandango Gift Cards: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Fandango-Bucks-50?ideaID=8394&prodID=84301

Automatic Tie Rack: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Automatic-Tie-Rack?ideaID=10939&prodID=336345

Personalized Black Leather Pad-folio: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Personalized-Black-Leather-Padfolio-with-FREE-Pen-by-Things-Remembered?ideaID=2155&prodID=231867

Cuff Links: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Banana-Republic-Plaid-Disk-Cuff-Link?ideaID=5500&prodID=309090

Travel-Sized Steam Iron: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Steam-Bug-Travel-Steam-Iron?ideaID=189&prodID=297831

Espresso Machine: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nespresso-CitiZ-Espresso-Machine?ideaID=1099&prodID=306102

Personalized Luggage Tags: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Large-Luggage-Tag-Red-with-white-letters-Grandin-Road?ideaID=5448&prodID=322891 *** Remember to put "APOLLO" :)

Over-Ear Book Light! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Effortless-Over-Ear-Book-Light?ideaID=3336&prodID=116256

Bracelet: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/record-cuff-bracelet?ideaID=8764&prodID=97013

Tree-to-be Kit: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Ginkgo-Tree-to-be-Kit?ideaID=8710&prodID=164313

Portable Solar-Powered Electronics Charger! http://www.gifts.com/search/product/L-L-Bean-Sol-Jus-Solar-Charger-Flashlight?ideaID=7297&prodID=240767

Camelback: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Camelbak-Lobo-Hydration-Pack?ideaID=7977&prodID=131641

Well, on this one, if you really know me, you know I don't actually want the underwear at all.....Lol: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Polo-Ralph-Lauren-Signature-Button-Boxer-Brief?ideaID=7118&prodID=218122

Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Blue-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355729

Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-White-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355731

Sunglasses: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Nooka-Watches-Unisexs-The-Mercury-Sunglasses-in-Black-Sunglasses?ideaID=13131&prodID=355727

Healthy Food Gift Basket: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Mini-Healthy-Gift-Basket?ideaID=158&prodID=291943

A Rainforest Tree: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Standard-Tree-Kit?ideaID=14063&prodID=329829

Book: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/At-The-Table-Of-Want-Books-?ideaID=8790&prodID=340439

DVD: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/An-Inconvenient-Truth-DVD-?ideaID=8962&prodID=92768

Mint: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Bamboo-Grow-Pot-Mint?ideaID=3252&prodID=335589

Tent: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Big-Agnes-Lynx-Pass-4-Person-Tent?ideaID=14329&prodID=345329

Another (Better?) Solar Charger: http://www.amazon.com/Solar-Gorilla-Laptop-Charger/dp/B001M55B10/ref=pd_sbs_a_2

Sleeping Bag Sleeping Pad: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/THERM-A-REST-Ridge-Rest-Sleeping-Pad-Regular?ideaID=14331&prodID=345355

Sleeping Bag: http://www.gifts.com/search/product/Cabelas-Adam-Eve-Ultra-Deluxe-II-Sleeping-Bag?ideaID=14331&prodID=345339

Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-striper-slip-on-khaki-plaid

Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/sperry-top-sider-largo-slip-on-salt-washed-green

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Shoes: http://www.zappos.com/ted-baker-avenay-white

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Shoes *In the "Pink, Leprechaun and Bittersweet Orange colors only*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/checkerboard-era.html#variation-4

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Shoes *These ones in any of the colors*: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/tm-plaid-slip-on.html

Shoes: http://shop.vans.com/catalog/Vans/en_US/product/men/classic-shoes/kiss-hotter-than-hell-slip-on.html

Shoes *In either design of this type*: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=665284&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-1

Shoes *These in Green or Blue designs: http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10001&catalogId=10101&productId=697020&vcategoryId=COREMETRICS_IO#variation-2

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Drum Roll Please...The Finale of Part One, August 2010

Alright, here it is, the finale of my August Part One experience, so get ready for a LONG list of learning (yea for alliteration!!) :)


Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.

Day Three of Part One, August 2010

So, we got out of GLF LAAAAAATE (if you can't tell by the timestamp on this post...), so I was rushing out to get home and left the notes I took in the building. SO, you will get a double-decker tomorrow! HOWEVER, on my way home, actually as I was pulling up to where I'm staying, I was listening to Pink's song "Sober" and it really hit me. I am free tonight. I am really, finally free. I have learned to love myself, and I have actually done it. I have learned my value, and I am applying it. As such, I no longer NEED (yes, I always felt I needed them) cigarettes or alcohol. I no longer need the "buddy" that was cigarettes/tobacco/nicotine...I am enough as me. I no longer need the safety feeling that alcohol provided. Now that I am free, and I am ME, I don't need (or want AT ALL) alcohol in my body. It poisons my body and inhibits it from functioning in its highest form, and the only reason I ever used it before was to feel happier (ironic, as it is a depressant...) and to make myself feel more comfortable and safer in situations where I'd have to step out of my comfort zone to socialize. But now that I am comfortable in my skin, and comfortable being me and loving me, I don't need anything to assist me in being me. So, as of tonight, I am declaring full sobriety. My ego wants to let you all know, I was never an alcoholic...I didn't come home and drink every night or anything like that, but I WAS addicted. Addicted to the feeling I had when I was with it. And now I have that in me, long-lasting and sturdy and full. Any alcohol would just poison that feeling for me and dirty me up. So, that is all for tonight -- and possibly even better than the notes I took on my learning earlier anyhow! :) I will post them tomorrow though, along with what I learn about me tomorrow. Below are the lyrics to "Sober" in case you get to know them:

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Good night, love birds!!

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Lo

Day Two of Part One, August 2010

Introspective notes from staffing today:

I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.

Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?

Day One of Part One, August 2010

Okay, so I am not going to rewrite this or condense it or summarize it tonight because I am way too tired. But I filled up 5.5 3x5 notecards front and back with things I learned about myself, and I committed to you all that I would write my learning every night, so I am going to do just that. And on Sunday, I will do a wrap-up/summary. But the following are the raw notes of what I learned in the moment and hurriedly jotted down.

I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.

And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!

Band Of Brothers

I am staffing Part One this week. I haven't staffed a Part One for probably about a year or so, so I know there is value for me there, and I will be discovering it this week. And I will be letting you in on what I learn, virtually in real-time. I will be blogging every night what I learned from that day staffing. I'm already processing judgments, ego, and depression -- and it hasn't even started yet -- so I know this is gonna be good!

I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.

For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.

Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?

When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??

That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.

Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.

SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).

Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.

Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.

Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.

Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)

I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo

And The Survey Says...

My Internal World:
Integrous
Grateful
Self-Directed
Confident
Valiant
Persistent
Honorable
Effective
Goal-Oriented
Coachable
Realistic
Pragmatic
Diligent
Peaceful
Deliberate
Resolute
Vigilant
Unconditional

My External World:
Empathetic
Passionate
Disciplined
Respectful
Accepting
Productive
Teachable
Organized
Analytical
Methodical
Compliant
Consistent
Proactive
Tolerant
Just & Fair
Loyal
Protective
Compassionate


I took an assessment on these items today by ranking my feelings about 36 phrases and environments. I will post next week what the results are; in the meantime, I'd like you to give me your feedback on here as to how I show up in these ways of being/beliefs. Thanks! :)

Learning The Long Way

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends,
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling...
Lived like a gypsy,
Six strong hands on the steering wheel.

I've been a long time gone now.
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down,
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

I met the queen of whatever,
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies,
Moved with the shakers --
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to,

No I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself.
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself.
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow,
No I, I could never follow.

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else,
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down.
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...

I am a 23-year-old guy. I’ve always liked to think of myself as grander than I am, but the truth is that I am a 23-year-old guy who is trying to figure out what this world is all about so he can play in it successfully. I am incredibly powerful, and intensely loving, and I am highly intelligent, and I am beautifully creative, and my mind works in artistic ways others can never fathom, and I even am sometimes astounded by, and I am just living my life, experiencing everything that is going on and learning what it is about. And I just claimed this last night.

Others may have hopes and aspirations for me. Others may have agendas, biases and plans for my life. Others may see in me potential I have yet unlocked to myself; or others may see in me a reflection of the them that they lost long ago and are trying to restore. And none of that is me. To me. To me, I am just another powerfully creative, divine young man walking this earth, inspiring as he can and checking his best interest.

I don’t always know what my best interest is, and I’m a very “big picture”-esque guy, so I get distracted in the details and I get lost in the hubbub, the here-and-there. I see spirits, and auras, and movement of light and being, and I hear beyond someone’s voice. When someone speaks, I see their heart, and if their words don’t jump into their heart like a tiger through a flaming hoop, I know they are full of shit…in that moment at least. And I am astounded that others don’t have this gift.

This May while staffing Founders, Jayson Orvis came up to me and we briefly chatted. I mentioned something about Pamela, or a trainee, or someone. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was regarding their spirit. The offhand sentence I uttered – to ME – was nothing new…it was nothing difficult to decipher about this person…I believed anyone could see it. And he turned to me and he said “Well, yeah, that’s easy for someone like you to see.” And I turned back to him with a puzzled appearance and said “Wait. What?” And he said something like “That’s easy for you to see. You see spiritual shit like that” [obviously that’s not verbatim…] and my jaw dropped in my mind. This is Jayson Orvis, THE trainer of Founders. And he sees this as something special? Well, maybe that’s something I should look into about myself, because I’ve always thought it was normal for people to be able to think like I do, and see things about others that I do.

I continue to learn how great my perception and intuition are. I continue to learn the fuller scale of each and value them appropriately. I think that may be one of my ongoing life lessons…to attune myself to my gifts, validate them and then utilize and develop them.

This month has been a HUGE, intense mirror for me to peer into. It has been clear, it has been foggy, it has been missing, it has been perfectly representative. And I’ve chosen all those manners of being for my mirror. As I drove up to Salt Lake City last night, I had ample time to process. In fact, I had about ten hours, to be more precise! And the soundtrack flowing from my iPod could not have been more perfect in order to support me.

I’ve learned that I’ve focused on what I lack, how much I lack, why I don’t have enough, that I’ll never have enough, where I CAN’T get more so I’m even more doomed, that the Universe must be out to get me, why the Universe must be out to get me, paranoia and all the emotions that come wherewith. I have not spent most of my month focusing on abundance, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, joy, how the Universe has supported/supports me, or my power and worth. And my whole demeanor shifted once I realized that and started to put into practice the latter items listed.

When I was actually GRATEFUL that my iPod battery died before I got all the way home (because I was in Santaquin by then and was able to reset my radio presets, and re-memorize them by the time I got home to crash), my heart was light instead of dark, dank and heavy, filled with anger, stress and frustration. When my sister -- who I have been incredibly angry at and felt betrayed by for the past two months -- called, I was actually happy to hear her share how she was having fun and she wished I was there to have fun with her, unaware I was on my way up to the City, my being -- my actual divine spiritual being -- changed from one of premeditated murder of my soul to instead filling my soul with life and joy and respect and trust and beauty and compassion. I was light. And right now, I am light. And it feels really marvelous.

And I’m not saying I won’t experience the darkness, because life is a dichotomy and there is a shadow to every Oak of Brilliance. But now I have more frames of reference from which to pull in order to drag my butt out of my nerd. Which is good news for YOU: Maybe I won’t be so bitchy as often! Haha! (And if I am, please call me out on it – in a loving, compassionate, respectful way!)

I love you all.

Peace, Love and Kisses,

Apollo

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal,
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there --
I'll be there.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

I'll BE there.