As I was pondering two nights ago about the blog I was to write yesterday, I kept thinking over and over “God, I want to prove myself right about this! I really, REALLY want to be right!” and I stopped myself for a moment and thought, “You know, I want to be right about this, but I don’t really want to make her wrong about it.” We both had very valid points for our own lives, and drew them off of very real experiences we had had, and no part of me wanted to invalidate what she had experienced. And in that moment, I learned that what I wanted was for her to accept me as my truth and my reality, and that in no way meant that I had to “win.” And I think that is where we get things so terribly twisted nowadays.
Think about it. You want to be accepted as you, right? You want people to love the little quirks that make you up. You want to be adored my those you care about, and you want to feel validated in the choices you make, yes? Well, I know I do. And that one thought has been so key for me over the last couple of days as I’ve ruminated on it. What I wanted was to feel like she didn’t disapprove of me as a human simply because I was gay. What I wanted was to be loved and cherished even for being gay. And I thought I had to point and counterpoint her until I felt like I was right and had won the debate and then she would see that because I won, I was okay and it would now follow for her to acquiesce to my desire to be accepted as the wonderful gay man that I am. And as twisted as that sounds…I think that is exactly how everyone else out there thinks, whether or not they are conscious of it – and I put my money on the wager that they are not.
Take for instance the “talking heads,” whether they be Bill O’Reilly or Bill Maher. They are on there, presenting and pressing their points, many times discrediting their guest’s points in favor of their own. I don’t think in the end, they really want to belittle anyone. (Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I think Bill O’Reilly enjoys belittling people…) But I think they’re grander goal is to get the other person to think about and accept what they are saying as valid and true, but they’re going about it the wrong way…most likely without even realizing they are. What does that create? I’ll tell you. Lol. It creates a stalemate where I believe what I want, you believe what you want, we butt heads and live in tension out of disrespect for the other person’s point of view and by over-respecting our own. What we need to progress is feedback. We must take the other person’s/people’s points of view and coalesce them such that we make something grander out of them. That’s what true leadership is about and that’s what inspires people.
What might happen if gay people were to look at ALL straight people as allies, instead of just the ones who vote for leaders who will give the gays the freedom for which we feel so desperate? It’s like Tai Chi. You take the energy you’re being given and you use it to your advantage…you take it with you to create something bolder and something bigger and that’s how you succeed. It’s not about winning. It’s about succeeding.
3.31.2010
3.30.2010
I Envision Assimilation and Tolerance
The other day, I put on my Facebook status the following: "Irony: when religious zealots make preventing gays from marrying peacefully their newest false idol." I did not say anyone I knew was a religious zealot. I did not say all religious people are crazy zealots. I did not list anyone in particular. I simply posted what I wrote above. And the only person who responded so far wrote "I think the real irony is how gay people preach tolerance and show more intolerance for others than anyone I know." Now, I am gay. And her brothers are gay. And one of her friends is gay. And she still says she believes this. How can that be? One cannot stereotype a group of people but say that there are some of that group that they don't believe it about. That's just not how the mind works. You either believe it about us all, or you don't. Yes, there may have been some very intolerant gay people in your history (I know I can think of quite a few), but to say that gay people are the least tolerant people of ANYONE is a very powerful and clear statement. And I don't agree with her claim that gay people kissing in front of a temple, or defacing churches or any of the other items she wrote as evidence are the most intolerant acts ever demonstrated by anyone or any group in mankind's history. I do NOT condone any of the things she wrote as evidence of gay people being intolerant AND I do not believe them to be the most intolerant acts ever committed. Yes, kiss-ins are juvenile in my opinion, and especially that gays would be holding it in front of the temple, obstructing the way for devout followers of a faith who want to simply peacefully worship and enjoy their day. AND when the kiss-ins were happening, I loudly voiced to ALL my friends (straight AND gay) that I thought it was immature and purposeless and I lost a couple friends for it in fact. Yet I am lumped into the same category as those friends I lost. I am lumped into the same category as the people who actually participated in an act that I found revolting, immature and disrespectful.
Now, I want to state here to all readers: I'm not writing this to win, I'm not writing this to be a bitch, I'm not writing this to get people against her or to belittle her or to get people to harass her, and I would appreciate it if all readers would respect those wishes. Why I AM writing this is to provide to straight people just a little bit of clarity on the history of the treatment of gays.
There's a lot of things to say to combat what she said, and I'm going to say them here to get them out. I don't want to confront her, because I don't think that's the high road, but I also feel a need to express travesties that are done to the gay community of which she (or others) may simply not know. And NOTE, this is all to MY knowledge...there may be things out there that have happened to straight people that I don't know about, and please feel free to put them here if they have been (education is always best).
First: I have never known a straight teenager to be kidnapped by his gay peers, dragged out to the middle of nowhere, beaten to a bloody pulp, tied up to a fencepost, beaten some more and left for dead, on the brink of death, all because the child was straight. I do know of a gay 14-year-old that has happened to him. His name is Matthew Shephard and he lived and died in Laramie, Wyoming. For those who don't know, Laramie is a mere 5 hours and 37 minutes away by car. In this huge nation, that is much too close for comfort. And to have my fear and my pain and mostly HIS pain, and his mother's pain reduced to "Gays are intolerant" is just straight up bull. There's no other wording for it.
Second: In Iran -- and MANY other countries -- being gay is punishable by death or many other forms of atrocities. What?? Why? Why is my being attracted to someone else punishable by death? Whether or not being gay is a choice or something you're born as isn't the argument here. The question is -- either way -- why is a way of being punishable by death, or by being whipped severely and scarred? It's not punishable by death to be a businessman, or to be a stay at home mom, or even in many of these countries to be a prostitute, yet it is worthy of death simply to be gay (even if one doesn't act on it)??
Many careers have been destroyed because a person has come out of the closet. And yes, my belief is that most of these times it is because when the person comes out, they go a little overboard and they act "too gay". I mean, take a look at a few people... Lance Bass: Well, he didn't have much of a career left, HOWEVER, he has earned a lot of respect because he told everyone "I just wanna be a normal gay. I don't need to be all outlandish and everything." Same with Neil Patrick Harris and Ricky Martin. Rosie O'Donnell? Well, she was like the queen of acting too gay when she came out. And look at the way she is perceived in the media. Tell me one straight person who perceives her as "normal" or "acceptable". I have not met any myself. The argument here may have gotten a little obfuscated, so let me point it out for certain: since when has it been bad to be "too straight"? Are people fired from their job for being "too straight"? Are people called derogatory words for being "too straight"? Are people completely dismissed as actual humans for being "too straight"? No. Bottom line is: NO.
Based on THESE EXAMPLES, saying gay people are intolerant of the way straight people have treated them would be akin to saying that black people were intolerant of the KKK. I'm not saying it's okay for gay people to be "intolerant" and it's not for straight people. I'm not saying that gays are righteous and straights are evil. What I'm trying to do here is point out that gay people have had an inordinate amount of intolerance shown to them in recent history, and maybe it's about time for straight people to give us a little wiggle room?
Now, I want to state here to all readers: I'm not writing this to win, I'm not writing this to be a bitch, I'm not writing this to get people against her or to belittle her or to get people to harass her, and I would appreciate it if all readers would respect those wishes. Why I AM writing this is to provide to straight people just a little bit of clarity on the history of the treatment of gays.
There's a lot of things to say to combat what she said, and I'm going to say them here to get them out. I don't want to confront her, because I don't think that's the high road, but I also feel a need to express travesties that are done to the gay community of which she (or others) may simply not know. And NOTE, this is all to MY knowledge...there may be things out there that have happened to straight people that I don't know about, and please feel free to put them here if they have been (education is always best).
First: I have never known a straight teenager to be kidnapped by his gay peers, dragged out to the middle of nowhere, beaten to a bloody pulp, tied up to a fencepost, beaten some more and left for dead, on the brink of death, all because the child was straight. I do know of a gay 14-year-old that has happened to him. His name is Matthew Shephard and he lived and died in Laramie, Wyoming. For those who don't know, Laramie is a mere 5 hours and 37 minutes away by car. In this huge nation, that is much too close for comfort. And to have my fear and my pain and mostly HIS pain, and his mother's pain reduced to "Gays are intolerant" is just straight up bull. There's no other wording for it.
Second: In Iran -- and MANY other countries -- being gay is punishable by death or many other forms of atrocities. What?? Why? Why is my being attracted to someone else punishable by death? Whether or not being gay is a choice or something you're born as isn't the argument here. The question is -- either way -- why is a way of being punishable by death, or by being whipped severely and scarred? It's not punishable by death to be a businessman, or to be a stay at home mom, or even in many of these countries to be a prostitute, yet it is worthy of death simply to be gay (even if one doesn't act on it)??
Many careers have been destroyed because a person has come out of the closet. And yes, my belief is that most of these times it is because when the person comes out, they go a little overboard and they act "too gay". I mean, take a look at a few people... Lance Bass: Well, he didn't have much of a career left, HOWEVER, he has earned a lot of respect because he told everyone "I just wanna be a normal gay. I don't need to be all outlandish and everything." Same with Neil Patrick Harris and Ricky Martin. Rosie O'Donnell? Well, she was like the queen of acting too gay when she came out. And look at the way she is perceived in the media. Tell me one straight person who perceives her as "normal" or "acceptable". I have not met any myself. The argument here may have gotten a little obfuscated, so let me point it out for certain: since when has it been bad to be "too straight"? Are people fired from their job for being "too straight"? Are people called derogatory words for being "too straight"? Are people completely dismissed as actual humans for being "too straight"? No. Bottom line is: NO.
Based on THESE EXAMPLES, saying gay people are intolerant of the way straight people have treated them would be akin to saying that black people were intolerant of the KKK. I'm not saying it's okay for gay people to be "intolerant" and it's not for straight people. I'm not saying that gays are righteous and straights are evil. What I'm trying to do here is point out that gay people have had an inordinate amount of intolerance shown to them in recent history, and maybe it's about time for straight people to give us a little wiggle room?
Pain Is Recycled As Gratitude
Did your country just get bombed? Did your parents just die? Did you just lose your job? Did you just get evicted? Did your car just get blown up out in a parking lot? Did your fiancée just cheat on you and then leave you, now treating you like you are a dirty, worthless disease? Did your partner just get in a fatal accident? Did you just lose a loved one after a long, slow, painful battle with a crippling disease? Are you having trouble coming up with enough money to pay only your rent, utilities and food? Did you just skip into your father’s room at age 8 only to find that “Daddy’s not waking up” because of a heart attack caused by a drug overdose…and then were forced into the foster care system to be looked after by someone you hate? Do you live in poverty and squalor, being harshly oppressed because of the gender you were born into? Have you ever been raped? Have you ever been ambushed, beat up, hospitalized and on top of that, wrongfully taken to court because you are a “dirty faggot”? Or worse, were you, at age 14, because of your sexuality, kidnapped by kids only a few years older than you, dragged out to a fencepost, beaten to a bloody pulp, and left for dead in the middle of Wyoming, wondering when your last breath may come…until it finally did?
We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.
We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?
I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.
I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.
Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.
Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…
-Ryan
We all complain a lot about where our lives are. We bitch that the apartment next to us does laundry at 10:30 at night and keeps us awake. We yell at our roommates for stopping our laundry while we’re gone, thus leaving our clothes soaked for hours. We look in the mirror and berate ourselves for our perceived physical imperfections. “I’m too fat; pregnant women shouldn’t be THIS fat” or “I have crooked teeth, and everyone will think I’m ugly if I show them when I smile” or “Really, God? AMPLE back hair?? You just felt like you should dole that out to a gay man living in this day in age?? Real cool, God, reeeeeal cool….” Insert your imperfections here.
We don’t stop and see that back hair and wet clothes aren’t travesties of the universe. They’re facts of life. They’re perceived pain. We don’t stop and take a breath, and take a look at the lives of those around us. We yell at our roommates without any thought to what his day may have been like. Did his mom just get killed? Did he just lose his job? Did he just get raped? We don’t know, and the key is because WE DON’T ASK. But how can we ask if we don’t even stop for even one second to think to ask?
I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful for slow songs and easy driving in the cool night air. I am grateful for calm silence and the time it affords for introspection. I am grateful for my spirit and my ability to touch it, even when I’ve avoided it for some time. And I think I am most grateful for those who choose to forgive me. It takes a big person to forgive me, because I don’t usually forgive others, and I don’t always accept forgiveness. I know that it’s very difficult for me to forgive someone who I think should be forgiving me, and be clean about it. So I hereby give immense props to those who forgive me, especially when I’m being stubborn and not seeing the high road in it all. I’m immature and I speak many times before I think about the big picture. For the next little bit of my life, I’m going to be very immature, so please bear with me.
I was never a child. I turned from a happy, loving, abundant, powerful, vulnerable, free toddler to a scared, tense, paranoid, jaded, angry victim of a 5-year-old. I’ve finally once again experienced how it feels to really feel free, and I love it. And it’s time for me to push that 5-year-old through to align myself with the 23-year-old I am in this reality. So please bear with me as I grow my 5-year-old up during the next few months or years…it will be a journey.
Here’s a hats-off to everyone who has gone through the things in the first paragraph. I personally know at least one person for 9 of those 13 questions, and they are true survivors.
Here’s to envisioning and realizing a future where we aren’t living lives filled with hatred, despair, pain and war…
-Ryan
3.27.2010
Relief Next To Me
Ah, getting that last blog out felt good...Having a virtual place to vent all my shit is nice, since I don't have that in "real life," and then I don't have to carry around my shit, who I'm really not, just all the stories I write in my head...Today has been AMAZING. Honestly, I'm too lazy to elaborate, but suffice it to say that I had a "fourgy" today with the earth and the sky and light, and it was supernaturally beautiful.
<3
<3
3.26.2010
I'm a bitch. I'm a sober fucking bitch.
I like to lie to myself, and to others (which is just dumb 'cause many can see through it) and say that when I get inebriated, I'm a bitch. And I can be that way because it's "acceptable" to be obnoxious when you're smashed. But reality is that I do it in sobriety and pretend it's still acceptable, because I masquerade it -- very lightly -- as confidence or power or deserved arrogance, and what it really is bitchiness, plain and simple. I've always been good at lying to and manipulating people, emotions, situations, words, thoughts, whatever it may be that I need to manipulate...
I've always been scared of being wrong and being imperfect. If I'm either of those, then I'll get hurt...I'll be beat...so I need to defend myself when I lose...I'm weak, physically, so there's no way I can defend myself physically from getting beat, but I'm amazingly intelligent! I'm superior to everyone in intelligence! So if I'm suddenly wrong or imperfect, I'll just manipulate words...I'll manipulate YOUR THOUGHTS so that I win, so that I'm right, so that I am the best, and I will have won the game and taken your mind away from hurting me for my imperfection. Double whammy! And now I'm even noticing I don't do it only in extreme circumstances to protect myself from pain...nor do I do it solely in situations where I consciously want to win something or beat someone, but I do it subconsciously...to my most loved ones...I'm just a bitch to them, with basically no purpose...just because it's now become my MO. I treat people with disrespect constantly because I am filled with lack. I feel soulless, so when I encounter others with soul, I must bring them down. I feel passionless, so when I encounter others with passion (which is basically everyone really...), I must bring them down...I feel hopeless, so when I encounter someone with hope, I feel a need to bring them down...I feel like I lack oneness with creativity and with talent and with value, so any time I feel like I'm not creating enough value, or using the talents I "should" have, I feel like hell and I feel like I have no purpose, and I question life and I mope, and I hate life, and then I need to bring down everyone around me. I feel a NEED to be a fucking cunt. And that's not even the harshest words for what I feel....I feel like I'm supposed to at that point bring hell to people's lives, and make them feel like complete shit, and disconnect from them and make them feel like they're not even worth my time or worth a look in the eyes, and definitely not worth any emotion, and I hate it, I fucking hate feeling like this and then having my mom come in the room and I don't even look her in the eyes and I'm short with her and I'm hell. Mr. Robot Ryan kicks in and it's time to be efficient, because that matters more than anything in the world....efficiency and my own self having fun, that's all that really matters in the world to me, above all else, based on my actions, and really, that's how it feels in my heart, and then I look at how I treat people and think "God, shouldn't I be better than this???" but I don't feel it often. I feel it now. I feel right now that I treat everyone else like pieces of shit...buried underneath dirt...that I would never want to be around...and it hurts...but much of the rest of the time, I don't feel anything about it, or else I just feel a fleeting moment of pain or sadness or actually anger at myself because of the way I feel making that decision and that action, but then I remember "Well, efficiency and myself are the only two things in this world that matter." God, I'm fucked up. And this is bitchy, maybe, but I want to make sure you all know this isn't a pity blog, it's simply me getting out all that I am.
I've always been scared of being wrong and being imperfect. If I'm either of those, then I'll get hurt...I'll be beat...so I need to defend myself when I lose...I'm weak, physically, so there's no way I can defend myself physically from getting beat, but I'm amazingly intelligent! I'm superior to everyone in intelligence! So if I'm suddenly wrong or imperfect, I'll just manipulate words...I'll manipulate YOUR THOUGHTS so that I win, so that I'm right, so that I am the best, and I will have won the game and taken your mind away from hurting me for my imperfection. Double whammy! And now I'm even noticing I don't do it only in extreme circumstances to protect myself from pain...nor do I do it solely in situations where I consciously want to win something or beat someone, but I do it subconsciously...to my most loved ones...I'm just a bitch to them, with basically no purpose...just because it's now become my MO. I treat people with disrespect constantly because I am filled with lack. I feel soulless, so when I encounter others with soul, I must bring them down. I feel passionless, so when I encounter others with passion (which is basically everyone really...), I must bring them down...I feel hopeless, so when I encounter someone with hope, I feel a need to bring them down...I feel like I lack oneness with creativity and with talent and with value, so any time I feel like I'm not creating enough value, or using the talents I "should" have, I feel like hell and I feel like I have no purpose, and I question life and I mope, and I hate life, and then I need to bring down everyone around me. I feel a NEED to be a fucking cunt. And that's not even the harshest words for what I feel....I feel like I'm supposed to at that point bring hell to people's lives, and make them feel like complete shit, and disconnect from them and make them feel like they're not even worth my time or worth a look in the eyes, and definitely not worth any emotion, and I hate it, I fucking hate feeling like this and then having my mom come in the room and I don't even look her in the eyes and I'm short with her and I'm hell. Mr. Robot Ryan kicks in and it's time to be efficient, because that matters more than anything in the world....efficiency and my own self having fun, that's all that really matters in the world to me, above all else, based on my actions, and really, that's how it feels in my heart, and then I look at how I treat people and think "God, shouldn't I be better than this???" but I don't feel it often. I feel it now. I feel right now that I treat everyone else like pieces of shit...buried underneath dirt...that I would never want to be around...and it hurts...but much of the rest of the time, I don't feel anything about it, or else I just feel a fleeting moment of pain or sadness or actually anger at myself because of the way I feel making that decision and that action, but then I remember "Well, efficiency and myself are the only two things in this world that matter." God, I'm fucked up. And this is bitchy, maybe, but I want to make sure you all know this isn't a pity blog, it's simply me getting out all that I am.
3.22.2010
Comment-posting FYI
Don't worry, I didn't institute the comment moderation to limit your comments. In fact, I'd LOVE the opposite of that...I'd LOVE to constantly be hearing your perspectives. The only reason I changed it such that I check all the comments before I publish them is just to make reading your comments (and realizing which ones are the new ones) easier on me. That's all. Lol. So go ahead and comment away!!
Bucket List Pre-Wrap-Up
Okay, so sometime last year (I'm assuming on June 25th...), I created this bucket list for myself, but instead of making a list of what I wanted to accomplish before I die, I figured I'd spice it up and make a list of what I wanted to accomplish just within this year. It would give me a more defined goal and timeline, and would better motivate me to achieve these things. Now, my deadline is June 25th, which is only 3 months away, so I figured I'd recalibrate my engines, so to speak, and see what has been accomplished and what hasn't.
Now, upon grading my efforts, I noticed myself wanting to slip into "Well, no, buuuut..." or "Well, I kinda did that one..." and the truth came down to "NO. I DID NOT DO THIS ONE. END OF STORY." because that's all it really ends up being-- a story. Now, I'm not going to completely discount the story, because there's value to be found in it. However, I get in my way of improving the quickest if I grade it initially as "Kinda" instead of simply the black-and-white truth, which is "No."
For example, if I spend time thinking "kinda" about something, then I put it off, because I think "Well, I have already made some progress on this one, so I'm okay, and I can skip to another one and make some kinda progress over there..." whereas if I grade it as a "No, I've not yet accomplished this one," then I know there is still work to be had, and that it is important to me to accomplish, because I'm being real with my thoughts...I'm lining myself up more powerfully with reality.
ON THE OTHER HAND, in telling the story, or giving my excuses, I can give myself nominal credit for what I may have accomplished while identifying exactly where I need to improve to complete the task. If I solely grade one item with "Yes" or "No," I don't give myself any indication on where to improve.
So, now, here are my stories, and what I am learning from them [take note that some don't have stories, there just "NO" plain and simple]:
So, what are you noticing as you read this? About me and about you? I'm actually reeeeeeally interested in hearing your thoughts because A) I'm interested in you, B) I love learning about other people, C) I love learning about myself through other people's experiences of themselves, and D) I love learning about myself through other people's experiences of me.
Thank you, and I can't wait to hear from you!
Love, Joy, and Forward Movement
TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)
1. Learn Italian -NO
2. Learn French -NO
3. Have completed my personal brand -YES
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand. -NO
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile. -NO
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve. -NO
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value. -NO
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit. -NO
9. Live a self-disciplined life. -YES
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life. -YES
11. Live healthily. -NO
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred. -NO
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances. -NO
14. Read King James’ Bible. -NO
15. Study Buddhism. -NO
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.” -YES
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”]. -NO
18. Save money wisely. -YES
19. Spend money wisely. -YES
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me). -TO BE DISCUSSED LATER IN THE BLOG...
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month. -NO
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa. -NO
Now, upon grading my efforts, I noticed myself wanting to slip into "Well, no, buuuut..." or "Well, I kinda did that one..." and the truth came down to "NO. I DID NOT DO THIS ONE. END OF STORY." because that's all it really ends up being-- a story. Now, I'm not going to completely discount the story, because there's value to be found in it. However, I get in my way of improving the quickest if I grade it initially as "Kinda" instead of simply the black-and-white truth, which is "No."
For example, if I spend time thinking "kinda" about something, then I put it off, because I think "Well, I have already made some progress on this one, so I'm okay, and I can skip to another one and make some kinda progress over there..." whereas if I grade it as a "No, I've not yet accomplished this one," then I know there is still work to be had, and that it is important to me to accomplish, because I'm being real with my thoughts...I'm lining myself up more powerfully with reality.
ON THE OTHER HAND, in telling the story, or giving my excuses, I can give myself nominal credit for what I may have accomplished while identifying exactly where I need to improve to complete the task. If I solely grade one item with "Yes" or "No," I don't give myself any indication on where to improve.
So, now, here are my stories, and what I am learning from them [take note that some don't have stories, there just "NO" plain and simple]:
TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)
1. Learn Italian -NO
2. Learn French -NO..BUT when I went to Iceland, I talked with a French girl from Belgium, so that counts. So what I learned is that I provide myself with ample opportunities to do what I want to do, but out of fear, I step back from the opportunity and watch others do it instead. I mean, really how many people have the chance to spend 2 weeks straight with people from France, Canada, Taiwan, Japan, Slovakia, Austria, Italy and Germany? If I really applied myself and stepped out of my comfort zone, I could have learned a bit of all their languages, come to think of it!
3. Have completed my personal brand -YES.
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand. -NO. BUT I DID create a survey to send out to all of my FB friends to give me feedback on my personal brand. And then I never sent it out. Why? Oh, because I got lazy, and then I gave myself excuses, and agreed with those excuses, and then tossed it out of my brain.
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile. -NO. BUT I did fix one thing in my friend's car once, and the thought "I have a sister who works at Jiffy Lube, so technically I don't NEED to learn about cars, 'cause she can always help me." got in my way. Oh, and the fact that I decided that the only place I could learn about cars was at a class at SLCC but it was too much money for the effort and value, and I couldn't find one that was geared toward beginners. Instead of seeing all that as signs that I was wrong in believing I could only learn it at SLCC, I chose to just give up on accomplishing this one.
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve. -NO. But I seriously do need to get this shit done. I found this thing online a few weeks ago about the "Presidential Award in Service" and a couple other nationally-recognized awards I could (easily) obtain for how much I serve, and I still didn't let that motivate me to adequately complete this one...but yeah, I'm motivated now, because I probably volunteer roughly 200 hours a month (as a starting ballpark figure...)
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value. -NO. This one was difficult for me to grade as a NO because I keep all my receipts when I donate something, and I notate on the receipt how much the value is, so technically, I could easily say YES for this one, right? Well, when I initially wrote this on my "bucket list," I had in mind that I would document this (and the one above) in Excel spreadsheets for easy housekeeping, and I haven't taken that step yet, so to be in integrity with myself, I just couldn't say YES on this one...which totally sucked to be THAT close to being able to say YES on one of them, but not, because I really only went 90% on it...That's one lesson...Another is that I noticed that it is easier for me to fudge things a little and create that false sense of accomplishment rather than aligning with reality, when I don't create the goal as specifically as possible. I mean, when I initially wrote this goal, I was tired and it was late so I wrote it so that everyone else would understand what my goal was, and in my head, I knew that I wanted it on a spreadsheet and all, but 9 months later, my pre-wrap-up comes around and I could have easily fudged that because I didn't have it set in stone, detailed exactly and specifically what I really wanted to accomplish...
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit. -NO. This one just plain sucks to have said NO to because I was so passionate about it at the time I wrote this.
9. Live a self-disciplined life. -YES
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life. -YES
11. Live healthily. -NO. I was so happy to say YES to this one because I've started P90X and I'm eating more healthily and I've really started living more healthily than before I initially wrote this goal, and then RIGHT as I was about to write "YES," I had a craving for a smoke, and I knew in good faith, as long as I am still smoking, I cannot say YES to this one. It totally sucked to have to change my answer here at the last second.
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred. -NO. This is one thing that I really wanted to do before, and now I just see it as kind of shallow and a waste of money and resources in general, so part of me is glad to have put a NO on this, and I will actually be striking it from my list in the future, 'cause it's just not me anymore...I mean, yes, I LOVE to party, and I love to be the center of attention, and I love event planning, BUT right now it's just not a priority to me. I think that partly stems from when I had the epiphany with Alex that I didn't care anymore to obsess over the wedding plans, and he could just do it all with minimal input from me...it was just too much stress and "to-do" for one day, so I gave up my share of it. I think this is the same feeling...
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances. -NO. But this is a priority to me. not right now, and I'm not sure it will be before the end of June, but definitely before fall comes around, so we'll see what steps I end up defining with this one..
14. Read King James’ Bible. -NO. Ugh. This just seems more like a chore to me than even a goal...I put this one here, and the one below it, because over the course of my life, I wanted to learn as much about religions as I can, so I could be on the adequate -- if not higher -- level with people when it came to these discussions, and also because religion dominates history, and I'm kind of a history buff, but I don't feel the sense of urgency anymore to actually do this. I mean, yeah, I'll end up learning about all the religions before I die, but I don't feel the urgency to do it all as soon as I can and before I turn 30 at the latest, like I did before. There just seems to be so much more to my life now than reading old books.
15. Study Buddhism. -NO. See number 14.
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.” -YES. This was easy to say YES to, haha.
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”]. -NO. Then again, as it's only been 9 months, I only need to have read 4 books, and I may have done that...but I don't know for sure off the top of my head, so I figured the best thing to do would to put NO, 'cause then I'm not hyping myself up and ironically simultaneously selling myself short on the experience.
18. Save money wisely. -YES. GO ME!
19. Spend money wisely. -YES. GO ME!
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me). -TO BE DISCUSSED LATER IN THE BLOG... Okay...I didn't feel like answering this with YES or NO was adequate, because I've learned so much about money since I initially created this goal, in that money is not to be known...I always thought money was powerful, and money was soulless and heartless and I would always be victim to money. That's why I created this goal. I thought there HAD to be something I was missing, but I didn't know what, so I created my goal to be "Know money." (I know, it's totally vague, but that is the most specific I could get in that moment with my lack of knowledge regarding money at that time!) So, what I've learned is that money IS soulless and heartless, but not with the connotation with which I was associating it. It's just neutral, and I was throwing all my negativity and power onto it, and I was creating myself to be victim to money. I honestly don't even know how, but I'm in a different space regarding money, and don't see it as such (I wish I knew why exactly so I could assist others in getting here, but I have no clue yet!) So I could write Yes AND No as an answer here, and neither (nor do both) feel adequate as answers...
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month. -NO. Still ruminating on this. I'd like to take more home than just $3,000, but I'm not sure if it's reality. And then the other part of me doesn't really care how much I take home, either, as long as I'm living and I'm traveling and enjoying every part of my life.
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa. -NO. This made me laugh a bit and then feel a bit of pain and remorse in memory of Alex. And then I got over that tidbit of pain really quickly and didn't let it dominate the rest of my day, which was nice. This should be more of a long-term goal (like maybe a 5-year goal) for me, because I'd love to do it, but it's not an immense priority for me right now because I simply want to travel and not have to do any "work" while I'm doing it, which the research would feel like. Then again, it'd be wise to go on more than one trip as research anyhow, so maybe I can revise it to be simply a trip to Africa for the first time and then future times will be more research-intensive......
So, what are you noticing as you read this? About me and about you? I'm actually reeeeeeally interested in hearing your thoughts because A) I'm interested in you, B) I love learning about other people, C) I love learning about myself through other people's experiences of themselves, and D) I love learning about myself through other people's experiences of me.
Thank you, and I can't wait to hear from you!
Love, Joy, and Forward Movement
3.18.2010
Are You Where You Wanna Be: The Prologue
Where are you right now? This exact moment. Are you in a chair? Are you in your house? Are you in a karate studio? Are you in a hyperbaric chamber? Are you in the moment? Where are you RIGHT NOW? Are you where you want to be? If so, awesome! If not, where do you want to be? And what is the difference between where you are and where you want to be? Why are you exactly where you are?
For instance, right now I am in Salt Lake City, Utah, watching Marriage Ref with my mom. Yes, right now I enjoy where I'm at, in that I'm entertained and I enjoy my mom's company, and I like writing blogs. However, I know that tomorrow morning I will long for Cabo. La Playita. So now I get to take a look at what it is I want about Cabo...why I want to be there...and why I am in Utah. Then I get to take a look at why I am currently still in Salt Lake. Then, I get to look at what is standing in between me and the move....me and my actual decision -- and ACTION.
To be continued...........
For instance, right now I am in Salt Lake City, Utah, watching Marriage Ref with my mom. Yes, right now I enjoy where I'm at, in that I'm entertained and I enjoy my mom's company, and I like writing blogs. However, I know that tomorrow morning I will long for Cabo. La Playita. So now I get to take a look at what it is I want about Cabo...why I want to be there...and why I am in Utah. Then I get to take a look at why I am currently still in Salt Lake. Then, I get to look at what is standing in between me and the move....me and my actual decision -- and ACTION.
To be continued...........
3.07.2010
Fulfillment comes from within.
A lesson that's been a long-time coming.
It took me the circumstances of last night and the emotional effect this morning to really get that within myself. And I predict a stormy future with this lesson, as there always has been for me with each of my lessons :)
I don't need anyone who is around me to survive. I do not need to be victim to any outside circumstances. There are so many rules to be broken in this world, there's no need to obey them all, or any for that matter. Say President A set up a rule for me. And so now I have to follow it. Do I really? OF COURSE NOT. If I don't want to follow it -- if I'd instead like to create a future for myself that is different than what President A has assigned me -- then I have tons of options. Like what? Well, first off, I can move to another country that aligns better with my way of life. Or I can create clarity regarding what I want out of my country and change the laws thusly. And there are other options available.
On a politically charged sidenote, I am sick of having a majority of ignorant, disrespectful people decide what I can do with my life.
I tell you now, and you can hold me to it, I will create an empire before I go. And it will be full of respect and love and competition and fulfillment and safety.
It took me the circumstances of last night and the emotional effect this morning to really get that within myself. And I predict a stormy future with this lesson, as there always has been for me with each of my lessons :)
I don't need anyone who is around me to survive. I do not need to be victim to any outside circumstances. There are so many rules to be broken in this world, there's no need to obey them all, or any for that matter. Say President A set up a rule for me. And so now I have to follow it. Do I really? OF COURSE NOT. If I don't want to follow it -- if I'd instead like to create a future for myself that is different than what President A has assigned me -- then I have tons of options. Like what? Well, first off, I can move to another country that aligns better with my way of life. Or I can create clarity regarding what I want out of my country and change the laws thusly. And there are other options available.
On a politically charged sidenote, I am sick of having a majority of ignorant, disrespectful people decide what I can do with my life.
I tell you now, and you can hold me to it, I will create an empire before I go. And it will be full of respect and love and competition and fulfillment and safety.
3.06.2010
I'm drunk. I'm a drunk fucking bitch.
I sit here at a really good friend's party and I'm sad...I'm wondering what love has to offer up to me...I want one man so bad it fucking HURTS. And I'm confused why I will never be good enough for him. He loves me, we get along, we are great together as people, but for him, something isn't clicking, I guess....what is it?... I want to be able to create it for him, and for me. Sigh...
This year's word is humility. I am learning, over and over and OVER again, different aspects of humility within myself and it hurts. It really does. Who knew humility would hurt? I didn't...I just thought it was something that just was. I didn't ever think it would hurt me to be it...I just....I don't get it. I wanna get it. I want to be able to be the maker of my world..I want to be the one who creates everything in his life, and I can't create this. I can't make him be in love with me. And after 5 desperate years, he seems to be even more resolved in the fact that he doesn't, and that he shouldn't. And that I shouldn't. I just love him. That's all. With my heart and soul and everything that I can be, I LOVE HIM. So why can't he love me? I just don't get it.
This year's word is humility. I am learning, over and over and OVER again, different aspects of humility within myself and it hurts. It really does. Who knew humility would hurt? I didn't...I just thought it was something that just was. I didn't ever think it would hurt me to be it...I just....I don't get it. I wanna get it. I want to be able to be the maker of my world..I want to be the one who creates everything in his life, and I can't create this. I can't make him be in love with me. And after 5 desperate years, he seems to be even more resolved in the fact that he doesn't, and that he shouldn't. And that I shouldn't. I just love him. That's all. With my heart and soul and everything that I can be, I LOVE HIM. So why can't he love me? I just don't get it.
3.05.2010
Who knew P90X would open up my soul?
Blog Buddies:
K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).
This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!
A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.
As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.
All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)
--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom
K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).
This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!
A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.
As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.
All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)
--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom
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