1.27.2010
I Can't Go Home
It reminds me of fear. It reminds me of pain. Because of love. It reminds me of all the beauty and all the hideousness that hides within us. It reminds me of anger and sadness, and light and fun. It reminds me of the sweetest, gentlest kisses I've ever tasted and the bittersweet remorse of winning the battle but getting massacred in the war. I feel death's cold stare, and I weep for it. I weep for me, and for Alex, and all that was, could have been and wanted to be. I hate that we cut short our love. We stood there, over the hospital bed, knowing that full responsibility of choice lay heavy on our shoulders, and on our minds. The pain comes from one ripping the cord out and one screaming to plug it back in while doing his best to resuscitate death. I can't go home tonight. I don't know when I can return to that lonely lair, and when to embrace the fear I feel so vulnerably. I'm fading now...fatigue is settling in, gripping me and thrusting me toward its demons. I think now is when. I think now is the time for me to go home.
Breathe Through It
Tonight, I need to write. Crying can't be the only way I get it out of me. But I block myself. Crying hurts enough to feel good, but it doesn't hurt as much as admitting the truth. Crying allows me to bring up a possible truth, think about it instantly and move on to hurting and releasing. Writing involves thinking. It means I sit on the pain as I vocalize everything that could be real.
What happened? That is turning out to be the theme as the end of our relationship truly unfolds and I do my best to look back through the pain and fear and sift out just that...what happened. I recognize things I did that were wrong...yet I can't get past the mystery. Everything I am accountable for just doesn't seem to me to be "bad enough" to warrant him lying to me, cheating, and telling me "It's not fixable." It doesn'y justify his giving up on love. It doesn't help me sleep at night when all I can think about -- what haunts me even in the furthest reaches of my dream-life -- is how he looked at me and saw love. He felt love. He was true, beautiful, perfect love. And how he so quickly forgot how to connect with love. He SO easily was able to choose deceit and pain and distance over love. All I do is sit here wondering what happened? What the fuck did I do? Everyone tells me "Oh, it's not your fault, oh don't worry it's all him, oh this or that" and it doesn't help. When all the advice I hear is "You really just have to take it one day at a time and you will be okay" and I sit there thinking "Yeah, well what if I can't even last a whole day?" There are times I don't even know how to last a minute. Just a minute. I panic...and I bawl my liveliness out...and I think about how much of a fuck-up I am...and I try to stay calm and drive even though I can't see, 'cause if I pull over to cry, I'll be late for work, and if I'm late for work, I won't be able to pay rent, and if I don't pay rent, I'll be homeless and if I'm homeless I'll hate myself even more than I already do which is virtually unfathomable at this point. When will it stop hurting? When will my friends really show up for me? When the fuck will someone ELSE help ME out?..help me in standing up?? When I'm coiled up on the floor, crying until I'm dehydrated, my legs weak and immobile, when will someone come to me and tell me that they love me and will be there for me -- and then follow through with some action?? "I love you" is hollow. Anyone can say that. "Oh, hope you're okay....well, anyway, I gotta go!" is bullshit. Really. It is. Where is the love? Where the fuck is all the love? And where the fuck is mine? 'Cause I just don't feel it. I want someone who loves me enough to insist that they take me out to dinner, and we go somewhere I can cry without looking foolish, and who is willing to take me home afterward and just sit there, listening and rubbing my back for four hours while I just simply cry, and scream, and writhe in my pain and my fear and my loneliness. 'Cause I know it would be a lot easier to do all that with someone else showing up for and supporting me than it would be to do it alone every night like I am right now.
What happened? That is turning out to be the theme as the end of our relationship truly unfolds and I do my best to look back through the pain and fear and sift out just that...what happened. I recognize things I did that were wrong...yet I can't get past the mystery. Everything I am accountable for just doesn't seem to me to be "bad enough" to warrant him lying to me, cheating, and telling me "It's not fixable." It doesn'y justify his giving up on love. It doesn't help me sleep at night when all I can think about -- what haunts me even in the furthest reaches of my dream-life -- is how he looked at me and saw love. He felt love. He was true, beautiful, perfect love. And how he so quickly forgot how to connect with love. He SO easily was able to choose deceit and pain and distance over love. All I do is sit here wondering what happened? What the fuck did I do? Everyone tells me "Oh, it's not your fault, oh don't worry it's all him, oh this or that" and it doesn't help. When all the advice I hear is "You really just have to take it one day at a time and you will be okay" and I sit there thinking "Yeah, well what if I can't even last a whole day?" There are times I don't even know how to last a minute. Just a minute. I panic...and I bawl my liveliness out...and I think about how much of a fuck-up I am...and I try to stay calm and drive even though I can't see, 'cause if I pull over to cry, I'll be late for work, and if I'm late for work, I won't be able to pay rent, and if I don't pay rent, I'll be homeless and if I'm homeless I'll hate myself even more than I already do which is virtually unfathomable at this point. When will it stop hurting? When will my friends really show up for me? When the fuck will someone ELSE help ME out?..help me in standing up?? When I'm coiled up on the floor, crying until I'm dehydrated, my legs weak and immobile, when will someone come to me and tell me that they love me and will be there for me -- and then follow through with some action?? "I love you" is hollow. Anyone can say that. "Oh, hope you're okay....well, anyway, I gotta go!" is bullshit. Really. It is. Where is the love? Where the fuck is all the love? And where the fuck is mine? 'Cause I just don't feel it. I want someone who loves me enough to insist that they take me out to dinner, and we go somewhere I can cry without looking foolish, and who is willing to take me home afterward and just sit there, listening and rubbing my back for four hours while I just simply cry, and scream, and writhe in my pain and my fear and my loneliness. 'Cause I know it would be a lot easier to do all that with someone else showing up for and supporting me than it would be to do it alone every night like I am right now.
10.23.2009
BLOG, the Second
I realize now that the “Yearlong Bucket List” I posted (and then revised and re-posted later) was – in both incarnations – total hype. Wishful thinking. Additionally, I didn’t take advantage of some great opportunities I had because in those moments I was circumstantially driven rather than vision-driven. So I am now revising it and making it out of courage rather than hype. I am still learning, and this is a recurring lesson for me. I love that it is, by the way, because I know that my lack of vision-drivenness and detail-orientedness are two HUGE barricades to the life I want to live. Thank you, Ryan, for creating such clarity in your life that you are able to once more whittle this list down to a more correct form.
TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)
1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French
3. Have completed my personal brand
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand.
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile.
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
9. Live a self-disciplined life.
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life.
11. Live healthily.
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred.
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
14. Read King James’ Bible.
15. Study Buddhism
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.”
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”].
18. Save money wisely.
19. Spend money wisely.
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me).
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month.
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa.
For those who are curious what I end up deciding to do with the other items that remained on the old list: they are saved in a Word document on my Desktop and will be revised/revisited at a later date (probably within the month), at which point I will separate them into goals for future years. Once I’ve finished that process, I will post the lists up here.
With Honesty,
Ryan!
TO ACCOMPLISH WITHIN THIS YEAR
(JUNE 25, 2009 – JUNE 25, 2010)
1. Learn Italian
2. Learn French
3. Have completed my personal brand
4. Have committed 100% to and taken 5+ steps toward fulfilling my personal brand.
5. Take an auto class: learn the basics of cars and how to fix an automobile.
6. Document ALL volunteer hours I serve.
7. Document EVERY item I donate, along with the amount of its value.
8. Have taken one quantifiable step toward beginning a (meaningful) non-profit.
9. Live a self-disciplined life.
10. Live a peaceful, joyful, fulfilled life.
11. Live healthily.
12. At least biannually [revised from “quarterly”], throw fun, engaging, fabulous parties that are talked about (for joyful reasons) long after they occurred.
13. Know basics of simple, elegant ballroom dances.
14. Read King James’ Bible.
15. Study Buddhism
16. Go to Iceland [revised from “Gili Meno in Bali”] for two weeks and live in introspective silence. *Note: I changed this to Iceland because in the two weeks I was there I accomplished exactly what I intended I’d create in Gili Meno, and did so being able to speak to others instead of limiting myself to “introspective silence.”
17. Read one book every two months [revised from “per month”].
18. Save money wisely.
19. Spend money wisely.
20. Know money (though I now realize that this will probably be an ongoing lesson for me).
21. Take $3,000 [revised from “$30,000”] home to my personal bank account every month.
22. Go, with my significant other, to Africa on a research trip for my non-profit, Educate Africa.
For those who are curious what I end up deciding to do with the other items that remained on the old list: they are saved in a Word document on my Desktop and will be revised/revisited at a later date (probably within the month), at which point I will separate them into goals for future years. Once I’ve finished that process, I will post the lists up here.
With Honesty,
Ryan!
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