Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Ego

I don't like being self-centered.
I don't like things going in my favor more than in the favor of others, nor do I enjoy things going in the favor of others more than in my favor.
I enjoy balance, harmony, peace and to give to others. I like them to return the flow to me, in praise and love. Is this self-centeredness? Is this simply self-love? My ego doesn't like to separate from me, I notice...So much that he has tried to make himself the topic of this blog, rather than my loving side...to do so would be to make it seem to myself as if my Ego was stronger or more prevalent in me, thus allowing him to win for a brief interlude. But he's not...he's simply the wolf I feed or the wolf I starve. My body is starving lately because I am not feeding my True Self, but am feeding my Ego Self, who cannot exist within my soul, truly, therefore cannot give sustenance to me in living, therefore weakens me...and then looks to blame it on others and outside circumstances, in order to hide himself in the shadow -- as I have been doing the past week as I've been looking at why I feel sooo weak lately. I am good enough, and I am strong enough. I am beautiful, no matter what he says. Mmmmmm...I love me...I embrace all of me, and I feed and accentuate all parts within me that celebrate my spirit's purity, and that engender love and trust.
Thank you :)

I Choose Love

Well, at first, I intended this blog to be longer, because I was going to do some emotional sorting via it, but it turns out I just did it in the past ten minutes in my head, LOL, so I'm just gonna give a bit of a recap and share some thoughts. Please, feel free to comment if you want more info or help with this aspect in your own life.

A friend posted an incendiary status on Facebook, and I responded truthfully, yet jokingly. Her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in the past (or at least pretended to be), has been holding in a bunch of energy against me (or so his response combined with my thought processes makes it seem). It hurt to hear the things he said, because I used to very highly value him, and though I've recently let that dissipate and released him from my surroundings, I have continued to treat him with respect though I have experienced him betraying himself over and over and over again for the past 2 years. Where I usually hold contempt for someone in that situation, I gave nothing but love and compassion in his direction (and I assumed he did the same). And I am VERY VERY easily thrown out of emotional balance AND I hate emotional surprises. So his comment on Facebook was very disorienting and upsetting.
What turned me to anger, however (and therefore the intense craving to bite back at him), was my ego going "Wait a minute...don't tell me that I'm not as amazing as I think I am, and that you'd love to see me dead..." and I went into emotional fight-or-flight

...which is an interesting concept...I get physical f-o-f because one must actually physically move to remove self from danger, but emotional f-o-f is technically unreal and unnecessary. One needn't do anything to return to peace besides love oneself and the other. No need to fly from the feeling, nor to fight back and damage someone else...interesting concept to me..

Yeah...I choose love.
I love me SO much more when I choose love, even if my ego does get to rage inside of me for a bit to get over itself while I am busy choosing love.

Life In Cartoon Motion

Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain. I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
I am beautiful, in every single way.

To all your friends, you're delirious. So confused.
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness.
But you are beautiful. No matter what they say.
Words can't bring you down.
You are beautiful, in EVERY SINGLE way.

No matter what we do, no matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine.

--Christina Aguilera
From the song "Beautiful" from the album "Stripped"

Over the last few months, I have been tackling my lack of self-worth. I have been screaming at myself. Hating myself. Glaring at myself in the mirror for the ugliness I possessed. Wanting to punch the mirror and shatter all those words and judgments and beliefs into little pieces. And then hating myself for not doing so, and continuing to believe all the warring thoughts I had about myself.

I've blamed myself for breaking up my engagement. I've blamed myself for his alcoholism. I've hated myself for the actions I took during the course of our relationship, and our break-up. I've hated myself for the last 17 years, letting each unconscious year pile up the interest. I've told myself I'm "perfect," that I'm alright, that everyone loves me...so I don't have to. And it all finally came to a screeching halt when I walked through (and 3 days later, out of) the doors to The Great Life Foundation's Singles/Relationships training, without having any idea why.

I hated Great Life. I hated the trainer. I hated the fact that they were trying to resurrect this obvious failure of a training. Even though I loved them, I convinced myself that I hated everyone who was in the room with me, because they were about to learn all of my sin. I had no fucking clue why I had just paid this place my money. I had no idea why, given all of that hatred for where I was at in that moment, why I continued walking in through the doors. I kept saying to myself "Get out of here, what the fuck are you doing? You know you don't want to be here, and you have so many reasons to back it up." And then the sweet voice of my Spirit spoke up and said "Just don't listen to that right now, okay. Walk in, sit down, and do the training until you can't anymore. Then you will know you are done. At THAT point you will know it was too much for you, or was wrong for you. Just keep walking. Just keep walking." And I kept walking.

I was joined by my favorite people at Great Life, and some new people I'd never even met, which is very rare for me. You see, I worked at Great Life for a year from 2008-2009, and I was the only person working there who seemed to actually care about and get in touch with the graduates and work for their rights, be on their side of the game. So I became known there very quickly. So much so that people I don't see as often STILL ask me "So, you still work at Great Life?"....a year later...after only putting in a year there......Lol. As I saw all of my favorite people walk in the doors, and we all started dancing, I thought "Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to be vulnerable in front of all these people. I CANNOT do that. They know the inspiring me. They know the powerful me. They know the courageous me." And just as I started to get up the courage to stay in the room -- and even smile -- I turned around and in one MINUTE glance, I saw Daniel Lauro. "NOPE I am leaving RIGHT now!" screamed my brain, and I turned to leave the room, and right then the sweet voice yelled (so it could be louder than the music) "What are you doing? This is not the point for you to leave. It's just Daniel."
"But it's DANIEL FUCKING LAURO. I CANNOT be vulnerable and courageous and sweet and learn what I need to learn with the sexiest gay man around Great Life in this room. I CANnot do it!"
"Yes. It will be difficult. But deal. This is not the point at which you leave."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....
FINE!
FUCK!!!!
(Did I say that yet???)
So I continued in the class, and I lived in every horrible moment about myself, and I left once the class was over. THAT was the point at which I was to leave, that I'd been guiding myself to this whole time.

So perfectly did every moment come up in that class that reminded me of my self-loathing. And I took myself to the wall every time, reminding myself that this is what I deserved. I DESERVE to let go of my lack, and my bitterness, and my anger, and my pity, and my impurities. This class was the refiner's fire for me. And I am so grateful for it.

Now, this post isn't some pitch for the class. I mean, if you find value in the words I've shared, and you haven't taken this training, or any of the trainings at The Great Life Foundation, then cool. I suggest you check 'em out, simply 'cause I've learned SOOOOO much about myself and what works for me and my life from completing the trainings there, but this is in no way supposed to be an ad, lol. My experience in this class best describes in a shorter manner what I have been feeling my whole life, in order to highlight the growth I have gone through and am about to explain.

I feel beautiful. I really feel that word.
Beautiful.
I can claim it.
And I have been pushing down that feeling for well over a decade now. I cannot actually remember a time where I've felt beautiful -- but I do right now. And it has staying power. It is IN ME. It is my spirit. I am a beautiful young man. And no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. Whatever someone may say is THEIR reality, and they let that dictate their life, their behaviors, actions and beliefs. And I am over here in my reality, and I can choose to let it dictate my life, behaviors, actions and beliefs. But I am no longer choosing that, because it hurts, and I now am aware of how intensely beautiful I am. I don't NEED to prolong their message. I don't NEED to feel ugly, stupid, impotent, useless, manipulative, unworthy, or untrustworthy. Because I am none of those things. They are all just stories others have told about me that I have bought in to. And THEN I even enrolled OTHERS into believing those stories about me too! How crazy! LOL.

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad...
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, Gotta be mean, Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Now, getting angry doesn't solve anything
How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?

--Mika
From the song "Grace Kelly" from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"

So, yeah, I now see and know this, and just in case you were wondering as well:
I am beautiful.
I am intensely intelligent.
I am intuitive. My spirit is one of the most high-functioning I've ever experienced.
I am generous. I care SO much about the welfare of others, in my community, in my life, and in my heart.
I am loving, and I am nurturing. I love to love people. I love to feel love from people. I love to exchange our spirits and our beauty and our warmth in an engaging manner, leaving the experience with the realization that we are both divine spirits.
I am funny. Oh my GOD, have I learned this one, recently and quickly! I always knew I had a talent for wit -n- quip, but I never believed myself to be hilarious, and DAMN, girl, I AM! I am always making people around me explode in laughter, and if not, I am ALWAYS laughing with myself!
I am full of passion, bursting and brimming with excitement for myself, and for life, and for serving others the best way I can!
I bring joy, peace, clarity, stability and serenity into people's lives.
I am courageous. I do things that most other people will not, because they are afraid to and they let the fear stop them, whereas I am afraid to and I don't let the fear stop me. I push through it with my courage.
I am inspiring. I really felt this one this morning -- about an hour ago. I live my life uncommonly, and in that way I inspire others to SURVIVE their lives instead of to give up. I inspire others to LIVE their lives in the moment. I inspire others to be grateful for what they have, who they are, and what they have been able to achieve in their lives. I inspire others to look past what their beliefs are, and see what they could be. I inspire others to see the future and make it reality.

I love me. Finally. Right now. Count on it. I love me. A lot. I can't even get over saying it! Haha! I. Love. Me.

Who's with me?? :D

Seeing in RED: Eyes Wiped Clean

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
--Nelson Mandela

How many of us are afraid of HIV/AIDS? Are you? Did you just contemplate closing your browser after reading that question? If so, I would wager that you are. If you kept it open, still inventory yourself. You may be afraid of it, but willing to learn more. That is what we need to do to relinquish any fear we have from the hold it loves to keep on us. We learn about it. We experience it. We live a life that includes it in some aspect of our being. Now, (obviously) I am not saying "Hey, let's all go out and get HIV, so we can have some compassion..." But how many of us are too scared of it to even include it somewhere in our lives?

I'm beginning by calling out myself.
I have been SO scared of even approaching the topic of HIV/AIDS ANYwhere in my life. I have judged those who have contracted HIV as whores, sluts, irresponsible men who have no idea how to take care of themselves, or have any compassion for anyone else, so why should I have compassion for them??? HOWEVER, what I see now is that I chose to live in that judgment because it was too scary, as an uneducated gay man, for me to be able to approach a positive individual and say "I love you." What an atrocity, for that would mean that I might be labeled as positive! I could never endure such judgment -- the very same judgment I was casting and expecting others to endure.

I continue by calling you out.
How much do you know about HIV? How much have you educated yourself? How often do you reach out to those who have HIV? How many excuses have you already thrown up in defense of yourself? Too often, we believe it is not OUR burden to bear. Well, TRUST, it is not a burden. It is a gift -- in my opinion -- to be able to see someone with such beautiful compassion and see them through eyes wiped clean.
How often do you pity someone you've learned has HIV? How often do you ask if someone is "clean" (implying that if they have HIV or AIDS, they are "dirty")? How often do those with HIV/AIDS keep it a secret? How ashamed are they that they have it? On the other hand, let's be accountable: How many times do we judge those who live with HIV, fostering an environment in which they feel ashamed to be who they really are?

These are the words of a friend who is gay, lives with HIV, and has lived in Salt Lake City:

"The Community in Salt Lake are the prime example of hypocrites. They want equality from a church, yet they don't accept people with HIV...the community is SO uninformed. I hated being known as someone created by a community and not for who I really am. So I dealt with the humiliation and segregation from those who I called my friends."

This is ONE person. I've spoken with another friend about HIV/AIDS -- a public force in our community -- and he feels similarly.

Tyler Helms, who created IMPACT Red, now writes a bi-weekly column in The Advocate, called "Living the Questions" about what it is like to do just that. This decade is the time of education -- positive members of society truly are living the questions such that the rest of us may choose to educate ourselves with the answers. This is enough for which to honor these positive heroes. Tyler writes:

"I was finding that society expected full disclosure, would hold you
accountable for any risk, but was virtually unprepared for the openness. But demanding honesty and integrity is hard to do in a society that encourages truth but would prefer not to know it. In a city....where you will be heckled for speaking out about a truth that impacts us all. It even gets the most vocal of us down.
"But those willing to embark on a relationship with someone positive seem rare. The majority of people I meet are more willing to donate than go on a date. Perhaps this is why so many keep their secret from those they love. In the days following my December 1 public disclosure, I received an unsettling number of notes from people who are positive but have told no one. I sadly understand why they don’t. The fear of being alone, being judged, or not finding love often makes disclosure too great a risk — a risk that still is prevalent in 2010. To think they keep this secret from loved ones, hookups, and in some cases long-term partners is shocking. It’s also dangerous to our society."

What do WE do to educate? About the facts, and about the emotion? What do we do to encourage debate, to instigate learning, to honor those who teach? What are we doing to further this epidemic? How are OUR choices impacting US as a whole? What is our perspective around those who live their days with HIV/AIDS? Would we -- really -- reach out to someone who becomes positive?

Because whether we are gay or straight, or positive or negative, the answers -- and the questions themselves -- involve us aligning as one bloc: loving, powerful, clear and COMMITTED.

You and me, we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
'Cause you and me: competitive to the bone.
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured,
We are not all for one and one for all.
You and me have felt impotent in our skin,
You and me have taken it out on each other.
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come --
With how strong we've been!
You and me are on this pendulum together,
You and me, with scarcity still fueling,
You and me have made it harder for the other;
We forget how hard separatism has been.
You and me, we can help change their minds together (with)
You and me in alignment until the end.
--Alanis Morissette, from the song "Sister Blister"

Cherishing Another Is Bliss

Okay, I got this posted on my Facebook wall today and was just flabergasted:

Thinking about you this morning, I want you to know that i fully support you in what your choosing to do, idk much about the decision to move and thats probably why i put out the selfish part that i have. And both are true, yes i am selfish and do want you to stay for me ;) and yes i do want you to move and make that choice for you. I am excited to know more about it and also to see the results that you create with the change that your making. Living in L.A. Is only a challange of distance and the friendship that is established between the two of us is easily large enough to cover that distance. Love you.

The person who posted it is someone who I hold incredibly dear to me, and I know he loves me, but I've never known if he holds me dear to him (there is a difference, if you ask me), and reading this post, I now know he does.

It feels so amazing to feel cherished by someone :) If you've never felt that way, I suggest you make a habit of cultivating relationships such that you can experience it. 'Cause, seriously, it's amazing....I'd forgotten what it felt like for someone to express to me that they respect me, love me, and think so highly of me and our relationship, that I had begun to think it didn't matter anymore or that anything could replace that cherished-feeling, and experiencing it again this morning just showed me "WOW, that is SO not true."

Pure love is one of the most blissful feelings a spirit can feel. May we all constantly feel it and connect in all our relationships in such a manner...All we need to do is sweep to the curb our agendas, biases and judgments...and why not, knowing what we can give to someone else...knowing we can give them this amazing bliss? Thank you, Garrett, for the experience and for reminding me how people deserve to be treated :) I love you, buddy!!

How Are You Doing?

Right now I am battling with my self-worth.

*I had a threesome last night and totally proved my sexual prowess to myself again, reaffirming it after a LONG absence. On the other hand, I want one of the guys that was involved to be intensely attracted to me because I am attracted to him and I've tied up my worth in how much someone to whom I am attracted is attracted to me.

*My heart is fighting to retain my worth, and the battle is only going on because my head has collected experiences that want to barricade my from hurt by prepping me with the memories and saying, "Look, you're not worth anything, so don't get your hopes up." My head truly has the best intentions; it doesn't realize that when it says that, it hurts me.

*I love me. I truly do. I think I am beautiful, I think my pudge is cute, and my body hair is actually quite sexy :) I have amazing social skills, I am the life and center of the party, I motivate people to have fun, I understand business navigation, I know how to take risks and I know how to live life! I am quite incredible! :)

*I am not the best friend in the world right now. I still treat people like robots, like they are less than, and like they should bend to my will. But that doesn't AT ALL make me a bad person. It just means I have some loving and learning to do. :) What a brilliant way to look at it, Ryan: I get to practice loving people! How awesome :)

*One big reason I get so stuck in my battle for self-worth is EXPECTATIONS. My expectations for others really blocks people from trusting me and feeling valued by me, which all people want. Also, my expectations for myself get in my way of building relationships because I get scared that I won't be good enough and I get stuck in the fear. However, there is a beautiful, inspiring Greatness that casts that Shadow: my expectations for myself and others is what inspires us to dream big and achieve things we previously thought were impossible. Then we can be proud of ourselves for accomplishing said item and thereby increase our self-worth. It's all about delivery. When delivered through judgment or fear, I get in the way. When I state something grounded in belief, love and hope, I inspire.

Cheers to practice! :)


Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

What Do You See When You Look Back At Your Wasted Life?

When I was growing up gay and alone, I invested a lot of my time and life into the glory of music. I always made sure to schedule choir and Musical Theatre classes into my schedule during school, and I envisioned myself as The Next Big Thing. I knew that I was gorgeous (even though reality was a pimply, hairy, 200-lb. pubescent body), I knew that I was the most talented (though I never actually excelled musically as advanced as many of my friends), and knew my name would end up in lights. Throughout all this, I kept my eye on the prize, idolizing Madonna, Cher and, of course, The King – Michael Jackson. You know, the ones who had made their lives out of seemingly nothing to become the unbeatable international musical icons they are today. I knew that one day, I would make myself known as loudly as they, and even one day regretfully but naturally overthrow Mr. Jackson as the rightful heir to the title “King of Pop.” And Madonna would be my slave-bitch. Not even kidding you. But there was something I didn’t realize about myself that whole time that would always impede the actualization of my dreams.

On June 25, 2009, I realized: I had completely displaced all my talent, passion and power on Michael Jackson. I had unwittingly become his victim. And he didn’t care. Hell, he didn’t even know. And he wouldn’t have wanted it if he did know (I know this because we’ve had many deep, authentic conversations inside of my head). I soaked up everything that was Madonna, Cher and Michael, and gave them nothing of value back – except my idolatry. I also gave them my sorrow and regret over being Mormon and disobeying the first Commandment for them (they were more important to me than God could ever be, even as devout as I was, so I always felt guilty), but I can’t say that was of any value to them.

When I was a child, growing up with all these amazing songs, they were my only friends. They knew exactly how I felt at exactly the right times. They could console me, pump me up, or stir controversy within me, and it felt good to be so connected to something since everyone around me seemed to want to NOT be connected to me in the least.

“Thriller” brought me closer to my estranged sister, made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that someone in my family actually liked me, and taught me that being a freak may be scary, but in the end it’s pretty fucking cool because you can be in a music video for it. “Bad” and “Beat It” taught me that as much as you might get hurt, or be scared of someone or something, you don’t have to hurt people to resolve the conflict in your life – which gave me hope that maybe someday my dad would treat me like he actually loved me, not beating his “Prince,” as he so often (ironically) called me. “Heal the World” taught me how much I really cared about my mother and would stand up for her no matter what the consequences. “Remember the Time” taught me how to dance. ☺ “Dangerous” and “In the Closet” taught me that I was really probably too young to be listening to some Michael Jackson songs haha! “Jam” taught me that no one is perfect, even someone you idolize, and brought me slowly into a new world of music, as did “The Girl Is Mine”. “Billie Jean” offered me my first taste of MTV and the amazing art of music video creation. Nowadays, the only way I can even successfully begin writing lyrics is by creating a music video in my head and then taking the lyrics through that plot, so I don’t know where I would be musically without that amazing influence. “Black or White” brought me international intrigue, broadening my world and love for tigers ☺ “Man In The Mirror” made me feel happy and relieved that maybe there was someone else out there who would do the work that I was doing in my own self-actualization! And “You Are Not Alone” allowed me to safely feel all the pain of everything I have experienced in my life and sob and not get hit for doing so. That song helped me get through so many nights, whether I was feeling alone, not enough, bruised, out of place or tortured, as I so often did between the ages of seven and twenty.

So when Michael died that day in June, my whole world broke apart, crushed down on top of me, jumped back up, tried to sew itself together again, and succumbed to its own weight and broke again, crushing everything about me one more time. I literally had no idea what to do with my life when I learned he had died. I stayed home all day every day for days, watching the news, staying updated on where and when he would be buried and fiercely tried to find the means to fly to Neverland before the week ended so that I could grieve properly. I didn’t go to Neverland. Instead I stayed in front of my TV and bawled. I cried so hard, it was worse than a break up. Michael was like my big brother, always looking out for me in my childhood and offering me safe refuge from the pain I experienced at school at home and at church.

When Michael died, I lost a large piece of me with him, because I gave up a large part of me to him and his music. I created my world in his, therefore when his world was no longer, neither was a large part of mine. I had not learned that there is a world of difference between leveraging the inspiration of others to further inspire and displacing all my inspiration on someone else rather than myself. I got to learn that lesson that day, and am constantly being reminded it. Because I went for so long without feeling the truth of who I was, I am now building up my soul. It’s kind of nice, because I get to consciously, with the knowledge I have garnered over the years, pick whatever I want to be and whatever I feel, and that is me. But it’s also really fucking scary because I have NOTHING to fall back onto that works. I’ve never had a system in place that actually works for me regarding having a soul. And that’s scary shit to be like “Hey, I have no conscious soul” and not have any safety net to fall into when I am tired and worn out and exasperated. Luckily, I have had a lot of great friends and family members step forward (not necessarily knowing that this is what is going on) and support me when I am completely drained and out of ability to sculpt. I’ve been really lucky in that aspect. Thank you to Jonathan Orlofsky, Lori Baldwin, John Rogers, Mom, Nicole Rieger, Jackie Rieger, Will Sloan, Alex Fauver, Sarah Barney, Melisa Pehrson, Kencie Raddon, Ruthanne Clifford and Eric Dawes who have (perhaps consciously) been willing to fill my cup when it had been fully imbibed.

Alright, Dollies, I love you all and my body just told me it is now time for me to sleep.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Tonight, I let peace slip away and allowed fear to set in.
Tonight, I was a sweet, simple, engaged, open, trusting, free, dedicated Hammer.
Today, I was an angry, passionate, upset, dismantled, open, embracing, deep, compassionate listener.
Today I was enrolled into others’ anger, misery, pain, ego, fear and disrespect.
Today, I stood up for myself, cried, stood up for myself again, was scared, noticed my worth, engaged myself in my ability to lead, trusted and was jaded.
Today, I was a victim; tonight, I felt empowered.
Today was harrowing, tonight was surreal.
Today I listened and learned. Tonight, I listened and learned.
Today I crumbled into the fire and tonight I rebirthed the Phoenix.
FML or LML?

Bring on tomorrow.

If You Love People-Watching...

WOW! A great friend of mine, Kyle Burdash, referred me to dooce.com, where I found this nugget! I really lack words for how I feel about the power, beauty and inspiration I feel when reading this. The question is asked: Can you tell your life story in 20 words or less? At first, I didn't see the power of this practice, so I ventured over to cure my curiosity...boy, am I glad I did! First of all, it is hella powerful to see what words people use to define themselves and their paths. Second, it is beautiful and inspiring to ME to see so many people indicating a life that started with deep pain -- such as RAPE and family members COMMITTING SUICIDE -- and see their story end with "hope" or "looking forward" and the like. Take a gander. Take a goose.

Go deep in a shallow manner.

The Honeymooners

I think love is a chance for us to grow as human and spiritual beings, where two don’t become one but learn how to grow together on separate paths, each complementing the other. I've never been able to put it into words that well, so I stole those words from someone else. And I'm glad I read this and was able to wrap my world around these words. This weekend, I've been struggling a bit with love...what my concept of it is, how I feel it should look, the entropy that has defined my love life and consequently, my beliefs about love and further consequently, my behaviors in love. I have come to the realization that I have never really felt love for anyone. I have felt perhaps what mankind coins as love for a few people, and I have garnered much respect for many others as well. And I've now fully come to the realization that I cannot yet say with integrity that I have ever felt and behaved in the manner of deep, spiritual love. How empowering. A few blogs ago, a blog buddy of mine commented that I am too hard on myself, in her experience. Since then, I have noticed when I am being too hard on myself, and have scaled it back a little bit. I had never seen myself as being too hard on myself because my only experience with discipline and then forward movement was being beat by my dad and then going through Great Life. Not two amazing examples of taking the easy road of disciplining oneself...Haha. Oh, wow...that may be why I have never cared to learn self-discipline...I've always seen it as limiting and angry and "hard." But if I am making up the terms on which I will be disciplined, then it can be whatever it will be for me, as long as it works....what a fresh new way to look at self-discipline! I feel complete with this blog, even though it seems neither linear nor resolved whatsoever, to the outside eye. But it feels good to me right now. May Peace, Love and Gratitude fly with you.

Monday, April 5, 2010, 12:43 AM

Tonight, I'm learning to be free. And it is truly scaring the shit out of me, because that means I don't get to have control, something I've long held in my life, the thing most highly sought after my whole life.

I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.

"It might never be the same, we may never be able to live those days gone by, but we can try."

I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?

I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.

Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.

Love and Peace!

BLOG

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Wow, it’s been a while! I haven’t been here. Ever since I returned from Iceland, I haven’t quite been here…I’m not exactly sure where I’ve been, but I know I haven’t been HERE. Tonight, I am back to here. But I’m new. I’m renewed. I’m climbing up, pushing the muck to the side, and loving my journey. No one else has the exact ladder I have and I love that. Mine is a bit wobbly, it’s very, very tall, it is scary as hell, and it has a LOT of soda pop at the top of it (Mug, Pepsi, Coke and orange soda to be specific). None of this will make sense to any of you in the way that it does to me. And I find joy in that. I like the thought that I can have my own private thoughts that no one can truly access but me. ☺ I am powerful. And it’s kind of scary. But honestly, what isn’t scary to me? I like the fear. I don’t like when I stall myself because I am afraid, and tonight I see myself as Omnipotent. I am not a victim tonight, and that feels really good. “And when you’re sick, you seem to think you’ve failed eternally.” For those of my readers who feel that way, know that that lyric is true in my experience, but it’s not reality. Unless you want to make it YOUR reality. I don’t know why, but I do know that that sentiment was meant to be shared by me tonight. Maybe it’s just for me. Maybe it’s for if I ever forget that in my future and I get to have proof to myself that I know I can overcome everything I want to as long as I choose to want to. I am so grateful for my life. For life in general – the fact that I can breathe, and talk, and walk, and catch (albeit like a typical gay man), and scream, and sing, and love, and hug, and kiss, and cuddle, and listen, and plan, and empathize, and be free from the trapping tethers of judgment, and hear (different from listening), and see, and smile. And eat dried apple chips. These things are freaking delicious! Thanks, mom!


I am so intricate. I started out writing “complex.” And right now, I realize that that word connotes negativity in today’s world, so I chose to substitute it with intricate, which I feel is much more me, anyway. Heidi, I change your word to intricate.


We are all so intricate, aren’t we? Unique and beautiful. Please leave me a comment telling me how intricate, unique and beautiful you are. Just in case I’ve missed it. Thank you – very, very much.


Can You Feel Me Embracing You?


Ryan!

Icelandia! (Well, that's actually a deceptive title...it ended up being more about Alex...Lol)

I think Iceland should rename itself to Icelandia just for the hell of it. We all know it's much more fun to scream ICELANDIA!!! than it is to say "Oh, yeah, I'm in.....sigh...Iceland...what a boring name, I know, right?..."
Haha ;P

Anyhow, I am here! And I am queer! Get used to it! haha ;P I am all sorts of fun and weird today...it must be the altitude...or jet lag...or whatever else I can blame it on in jest. Lol! Oh, man...ANNNYhow, I think it is actually that I am crushing on someone and SIMULTANEOUSLY having one of the most stretching experiences of my life to date by traveling to La Europa alone!! GYAHHHH!!

Ah! My mom just pointed something out to me--> It's probably actually the lack of sleep, haha...THERE we go...

ANYHOW, I am doing pretty fucking well, if you can't tell....just like a bell...though I smell....like hell...wow, I'm just pretty much ridiculous. Sorry if you came here to read this blog hoping it might be something deep and insightful and, well, worth your time haha!

So, yeah, crushing on this amazing guy named Alex. He is SIX FEET SEVEN!! I LOVE IT! As I was on the plane from SLC to Boston, he texted me that he hopes I have a good trip and all that sweet stuff, and I wasn't expecting anything, like, at all, because we just met the day before I left, and I thought we'd said the goodbyes we were going to say, like, the night before. And I am SO ecstatic that he sent those texts yesterday...I mean, it's just so sweet...that he thinks about me that much already :) You may not know this about me, but I LOVE being the benefactor of large amounts of attention (when it's ingratiating...lol).

Just by being, he is teaching me so much about myself and how I normally do relationships, and how to be a better person, and how to treat people differently and better and with more compassion. And how to treat myself better and with more compassion, too. I absolutely adore him. Plus, he's increddddibly sexy....like, from 0-60...we'll just put it that way...HAHA!

And then, like, we have SO much in common, it's great...like, more than I've ever had in common with anyone else. It's actually almost creepy. It's like he has sat in my head for the last 6 years and studied everything about me, and then recorded all my thoughts or answers or ideas in his own voice and then played them out of his mouth randomly as we got to know each other the other night. And he's a total Cockerspaniel-type personality, which I love, 'cause he's also an Aries, so he's got that firey Lion personality, too, and he has those two great traits in just the perfect amount of ration....I seriously can't think of anything "wrong" with him..well, actually, I just remembered, he had bad B.O. when we went out dancing. Lol. That's his one detracting quality. I think I can put up with that......At least I'll try to..
;P





Oh! P.S. since you're all probably wondering, I am in Iceland, I am safe, and I am having fun with myself! (Not like that, Cary....I know you'll go there...lol)
Oh, and there are TONS of hot men. There were in the Boston-Logan airport, too...I think that something needs to be done to Utah gay men...they need a Boston/Icelandic makeover..Haha. MMMMMMM.
Wow, even that quick update turned into an update about the sexiness of the men around me..sheesh! Well, I guess that's a good thing, eh? It means I'm attracting such an abundance of sexy men in my life that I can't think of anything else.
Or else it means I'm a horndog right now.
Hmmmmm.....To be or not to be?....
LOL

My Heart Is Generous! Thank YOU!!!

Life is so beautiful. It is full, it is sincere, it is generous and loving, it is grateful and humble, it is pure and I absolutely love it.

First, and most happily, I went on a date last night! It was not a regular dinner and a movie type date, and I am very happy about that. The guy is fabulous; all night he was talking sweet to me and complimenting me and making sure I was happy and feelin' good and he totally swept me away :) I am SO grateful to the Universe for giving me this opportunity. I am absolutely smitten :)

And, of course, the Universe is simultaneously offering me the opportunity to see how patient I truly can be. Being patient is not my highest virtue, lol, especially when it comes to being attracted to people. So, cool that I get the chance to stretch that part of me.

I say this because, for those who don't yet know, I am flying out to Iceland at 9:30 tomorrow morning!! :D I am SO freaking excited for this..I'm wonderin' how it will be, and am a little bit antsy and anxious because it's COMPLETELY something I've never experienced before! I bought 4 disposable cameras so I can take 108 pictures total! I can't wait to share my experience with all of you...I'm hoping I'll be able to access internet after the day's work, or possibly on our "off days" so that I can update my blog, but I doubt I will be able to...it seems like we will be pretty rurally located :)

Oh! That reminds me! I get, like, 50+ updates on Facebook per day, and it takes like, an hour or so a day for me to check my friends' Facebook status updates, so if you expect me to see anything that you put on my Facebook page, please make sure to send me a FB email as well, letting me know about whatever you posted, 'cause when I get back, I'll probably have about 1,000 updates (and I will NOT be going through that many, haha), and it would take me, like, 20 hours to get through all the updates. So yeah, just an FYI :)

I love you all, very very very much, and I appreciate the role you play in my life, and the support you give me.

(Also, a quick special shout-out to Melisa Pehrson for that AWESOME travel bag you bought me! and to Kara Grotepas for hooking me up with Alex's info so we could meet each other. He is so perfect..I absolutely LOVE YOU! oh, and to Cary Robarge, 'cause he's just absolutely amazing. I can't even express how much I care about you and am grateful for your love. I just don't get how that is possible! I love you.)

P.S. -- Kara, I still don't know how to officially pronounce your last name, so if you could let me know, that would be so awesome :D

I'm Not Perfect (Dammit), and I'm Learning...

Wow....reading through my blogs the past little bit, I've become aware of how much of a victim I've been lately. Why didn't someone snap me out of it?? Lol. The more enlightening question for my life is "Why didn't I snap myself out of it??" I'll be taking a look at that as I go through my day today...

This is random. It's one of my favorite lyrics ever (it's by Shakira, in case you were wondering): "They believe you now have everything you wanted, and once you have become a star, you've got no right to bitch. But someday when you fail, they'll put you on sale and buy you by the inch."

What I'm noticing right now:
I want to filter my emotions. I wrote my last post when I was on a total high, and I read through it right now, and even though it is celebrating the glory that is me and 6 other loved ones, I read it and squirm a little bit. I'm afraid that I've let out my fullest emotions for some people, that I've been as vulnerable as I can be to them in that moment, and that I made a fool of myself, or that they don't love me back as much, or that I am awkward or something of that nature...And I realize that without letting them know the depth to which I love them, without handily slapping on a "Great Life term" to it (as an easily- and subconsciously-applied mask), I will never learn the depths to which they love me -- be that deeply or shallowly. I am learning right now that, in moments when I am not high off of deep, honest, loving connection, I would rather connect with others shallowly and dispassionately than be vulnerable to them and be able to learn where I stand with another. I would in this way, rather avoid learning about myself and my relationships (which could only make my life more fulfilling) than risk. Hmm. Interesting lesson...

It's the same way with money...I'd rather......even right now I am telling myself to talk about something else than to go to the depth I was headed for...NO, brain...I gotta do this...just shut up for a second...ok, turning off...
I'd rather be shallow with regard to my relationship with money than go to the depths needed to create peace, love and stability in my relationship with money...for fear of discovering the most horrible truth about myself...like I don't love myself enough, maybe? That was the first thing that came to my mind, and the reason I say maybe is because I truly feel like I love myself now...interesting.. "now" -- so the deep truth may be that I used to not love myself to make money for myself, and I am simply carrying that piece of baggage around with me in the depths of my consciousness. And that is what is creating my lack of financial stability. I can say I want money and stability all I want, but my actions produce the results, and based on results, I am not committed to stability. And freedom. Funny, in that my creation statement is that through my pure power and passion, I bring forth beauty and light, creating love, joy and FREEDOM. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I LOVE circular a-ha moments!!!! I took a look at my creation statement (hereafter referred to as "CS"), and realized that I found it humorous that I included passion in there, 'cause that is something I've never felt like I've really had before, but when I created my CS (this is version 2.0), I just said whatever words came out of my mouth, and that is what it happened to be. I see how I've created myself to be hella powerful, some beauty, tons of light, love and joy, and right now I am working on passion. And then I see freedom, which is not only ironic in this moment, but also I have a horoscope regarding this... I got it at the beginning of the year, and it has so far proven true in, like, every action I've had the opportunity to take this year.
The horoscope goes as follows:

When I predict that liberation will be one of your primary tasks in 2009, Virgo, I'm not speaking about it in the usual way. The definition I'm working with is one that the writer David Foster Wallace articulated: "The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day." I hope you'll be moved to add other nuances and flourishes to that approach as you experiment with it liberally in the coming months.

I will take this learning and apply it. Passion, freedom, stability, success and peace are all interdependent. I cannot neglect one for the other, or neglect any of them and believe that any of the others will come along without it. It's like, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Because it was following its higher self.

In Peace, Love, Joy and Gratitude,

Ryan!

Excavation

So, I wrote this blog at the end of last month or the beginning of this month, and I saved it in a Word document, so I could post it the next day, and then forgot to post it! I just found it yesterday, so here it is...

Blog Buddies,

I had one of the purest, most beautiful nights I’ve ever had Saturday after Service. I got to do a trust fall into the loving arms of 6 of my best friends (as if I can even qualify ANYONE as a “best” friend since I have so many amazing people in my life). I can honestly say I was fully caught by the group, AND it was also not how it was “supposed” to look. Lol. And I am 200% grateful for that, because I learned how much these people truly and purely love me. One friend was even willing to drop himself to the floor and shove his body underneath me, with specific focus to my head, just to protect me from harm, letting me squish and hurt him. Wow. What a gentle, loving, humble, caring, protective friend. I deserve relationships in my life like the one I have with him. The irony is I’ve known him for only a few weeks and he loves me that much, whereas I have friends who I’ve known for 5 years who have just gotten comfortable and lazy. This weekend I have gotten much clearer on the truth that lies within my relationships, and the potential for the relationships I already have. I too have been lazy (and selfish) in my relationships. I cannot say that any of my friends have been lazy without also acknowledging it in myself, because relationships are a two-way street. My loved ones respond to how I interact with them. If I was constantly “tipping the scales” for them in the relationship, they just naturally WOULDN’T settle for being a lazy friend. Period. So I have some work to take on in my relationships. At this point I am speechlessly grateful for the “Relationship Renewal” worksheet that The Great Life Foundation provides as part of its coursework. It gives me a great springboard off of which to launch.

A quick shout out to volunteer staffing at The Great Life! Within the past two months, I have staffed a Founders Training, two Part Twos, am coaching a Part Three and am about to take on a Part One this week. And it has been the most forward moving choice I have made in a long time! I have been awakened to new pieces of my character and personality and am doing a great job at piecing myself back together. Since I began my training two years ago, I’ve felt like I had amnesia regarding the real me…and even partly that I never even created a real me… From such a young age I was always trying to please everyone, to create a peace bubble in my life. I was abused, and after the age of 7, I always felt completely neglected. I was the youngest, the baby, and I always felt left behind, especially compared to my middle sister. I never felt like I could do anything good enough, that I would never be loved enough, that I would never be able to prove to everyone that I was okay, and that they should love me. I never realized I needed to prove to MYSELF that I was okay and that I am capable of love and being loved – even moreso, not to prove, but even just to simply trust that about myself.

I’m hungry…I’m gonna go cook some leftovers, and I’ll be back to blogging in about twenty…

I totally forgot I was blogging! Haha. It’s probably about 2 hours later now…lol.

Anyhow, I love myself now, and I am consciously taking actions toward self-fulfillment, and to continue to show myself how much I love myself, and it feels nice. And it is all due to having done the courses at Great Life. The reason I give a shout out to staffing there is because I have been doing it so much lately and loving myself so much lately and my life is just completely working. I am aligning with the Universe regarding things I need for Get Smashed! I am finding and keeping close, loving, generous, caring, passionate, honest relationships. I am feeling peace. I am creating the life I want. I am doing everything I want: I am starting a new job (finally!), going to Iceland to serve as a volunteer, really seeing progress with Get Smashed!, and serving very freely at Great Life, creating this beautiful human experience for myself. The joy and love is so abundant! Thank you, Universe. Thank you, loved ones who support me and fully care for me and my well-being. Thank you, Mom. THANK YOU, Great Life.

Oh, and a most heartfelt thank you to “The Academy.” ;)

Also, if you like musically interesting, stylistically challenging, poetic music sung by a man who has quite possibly the most talented vocal power in all of musical history, check out the band Incubus. I am constantly in awe of what this band can do artistically, not only with their musical arrangements, but also what the lead singer, Brandon Boyd, can do with his voice.

I will post again later tonight, and then again tomorrow morning, and that will probably be all from me this week, as I am staffing Awakenings at The Great Life Foundation this Wednesday-Saturday. NOTE: If you haven’t yet taken this training (or hell, even if you have), I encourage you to do so THIS WEEK, as it is priced at the lowest it will probably ever be: $99. Normal seminars charge that much for one-day events, and this is 4 days and is NOTHING like a “normal seminar” – it is much more powerful. It’s like going to a “Buy One, Get Six Free” sale. Of course you’re going to go and snatch up a deal like that.

Finally, I’d like to create a new agreement with you, my lovely Blog Buddies: to post at least once a week. That is something I can safely accomplish and keep my word around.

Until Tonight,

Ryan!

Peace out, Loves.

The Sun Came Out Today

Which was nice. I was grumpy all day at work and didn't know how to get over it. It for sure didn't help my sales at work, which for sure didn't at all help out my attitude today...

And then straight after work, I met with one of the trainees I am coaching and got to assist her in getting through where she was at to the greatness she wanted on the other side. It was very inspiring, and, basically, we were both in the same energetic place. I didn't think I'd be very helpful, because I was so not grounded, and so not clear, and I just connected with her and loved her and I learned SO much from her... I'm so proud of those who choose to connect with me and teach me and assist me in believing in myself and furthering my life.

With Love and Gratitude to the Guidance of God,

Ryan!

Credit United, Possibilities Unlimited!

K, not even gonna lie, I only put that title because it was a REALLY good (albeit maybe cheesy?) tag line. Haha.

Anyhow, right now I work at a company called Credit United. I've worked for similar companies before, and haven't done very well at them, and to be honest I am feeling the same way about this one. I want to do really well at it, and I am working the best I can at it...notating my results, receiving feedback, checking my results against my feedback and changing course accordingly. I've got 7 sales today, which, according to my manager (Jason Unruh), is decent, but I'm totally not happy about it because my only other co-worker has obtained, like, 13 today! And I was kicking her ass yesterday (but not even that well...)...sigh..it's very disconcerting to me. I feel like I am connecting with everyone I am speaking with, except for those people who are TOTAL douchebags, and my lack of connection is only because of them, ya know?...7 in an 8-hour shift is PITIFUL. Granted, I've had A LOT of voicemails today, whereas yesterday I had more direct-connects, but still..it's just frustrating...I guess I gotta just take it one day at a time.

Eh, but here's another predicament: I am raising money for my Iceland trip and for school, and for rent while I'm gone in Iceland, and I need $5,080 total. So, to accomplish that, I need to refer 8 people an hour -- and I thought that would be doable when I was first hired...but now I'm not even getting 8 people in a DAY. I mean, if I keep going the way I'm going, not only will I not have a job, but even if for some reason I do, I'd still be working full-time to only be making 640 bucks a month -- before taxes! That's hella not worth it...

How the fuck can I make $5,080 before September 7th??? I feel blind, I feel trapped, I'm hella frustrated, and I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, which is very scary. I will see it for, like, maybe 3 seconds and then it'll quickly go away and I can't get it back. I feel so lost.

I feel like my goal is so pure. All I want is to create enough money to go back to school to become a better me, and to love myself more, and I wanna create money to SERVE OTHER PEOPLE over in Iceland...so why am I not attracting the money toward myself? And I truly feel like I deserve it, too, which is new, and awesome! But nothing...nothing is happening, nothing is changing as quickly as it needs to be for everything to be lined up. I am in this fucked up place where I feel, for the most part, like I am this awesome creator, and then when I look into my bank account, it's like, Hey, nope, you're totally not! Ha! And I'm just like "Fine, fuck you then..."

I am hating this. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and I wish I knew how to get out. Can someone please assist me?

In Vulnerable Desperation,

Ryan!

The Blog Will Come Out Tomorrow, Tomorrow

This is how I've been feeling lately...like, I should postpone anything and everything. I have slacked on my commitment to blog. I just haven't been available. Physically and emotionally.

I stopped blogging last Wednesday because I staffed The Brilliance Within at The Great Life Foundation and I was too exhausted to even do anything but plop myself pathetically down into bed each night (for those who don't know, the volunteer hours are about 18 hours straight for four days). I was partially okay with that. Then, hell struck me emotionally. I had had maybe a half day to recover from staffing, and my three closest relationships crumbled from underneath me, completely out of the blue. I had no one to rely on, to rest on, or to even cry to, other than to my own pillow, which has caught its fair share of my tears already. It was all I could do to function. I stopped eating, I stopped working out, I stopped talking to almost everyone. I stored up my anger, waiting for the perfect timing to explode on the 3 relationships for betraying me so fiercely for absolutely no (or stupid) reasons.

I walked into to Part Two Post Training feeling like shit. I did NOT want to be there, I was incredibly out of alignment, I wanted to tell everyone Fuck you! and walk out of the room. I didn't even want to dance. Let's get something straight: I AM a dancer. Dancing is the definition of me, in EVERY aspect. When I don't want to dance, it is the next step to suicide. Now, I'm not saying I was ABOUT to kill myself, or even thinking about it...don't worry... I simply illustrate the point that it's as low as I can be within myself before expiration from this world.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a surprisingly new resolve on life. I decided that yes, it hurt to lose those three relationships, but if they feel like they are better off in life without me, then it is my opportunity to either: prove my worth to myself and create new friends who care strongly about me and will support me, or else really fight for someone else and humble myself before my ego and pride. I am powerful. I did both.

I humbled myself before one of them last night and created a new history with myself regarding my pride. It was pretty nice to listen to someone else without agenda. I knew only one thing: I didn't know anything. I didn't know how our conversation would turn out, I wasn't even quite sure how I wanted it to turn out! I just knew that I got to be there to listen to someone else express their opinion, be compassionate, forgive myself for what they saw and felt, and let them know how I felt. It was clean, pure, and emotional, and in the end, we forged a new path for our relationship, which is now stronger and more loving.

Now to take on the next two.......Haha!

Thank you -- for reading, listening, and being there in your own unique way.

I am busy this weekend, so I am not quite sure when my next blog post will be, to be completely honest...I have a lot to update about, though, so I am very excited to post again!

'Til Then,

Ryan!