Sometimes when you want something, you've gotta go full force at it. That's what I've been doing the past six months. And sometimes when you do that, you don't always have one hundred percent happy results.
The past six months have been defined for me by my full-force striving to be worth something. I have reached out, screamed out, punched out, freaked out...and looked within. And the most powerful of those has been looking within (mixed a bit with screaming and crying lol). Because of such erratic behavior, I have narrowed down my list of those who trust me. It is a much lonelier place than when I used to pretend I loved everyone and when I used to pretend that I enjoyed life. Before, people respected me and people engaged with me, whether or not I could stand it...now, my life is more dedicated to myself, and it is dictated much more by me now (as much as one can possibly do so, of course), but I have fewer people who respect me, it seems....and in both eras I held people at a distance from loving me. So it feels the same amount of "alone."
I look to those who have a blissful life...it seems as if they've already forgotten what it was like to live in pain and blindness. They gallivant so carelessly as if to say "I can never fall back down, I can never be what I once was." To that I pose two questions: First, is that true? Are they so strong in where they have come that they could not possibly retreat to that place from which they've come? Second, conversely, if it IS possible for them to deteriorate, then why haven't they? Why hasn't karma given them a reminder? I know I am getting into other people's business, but I can't stop searching for justice. I don't believe there's any way that I was destined to burden more than just my fair share of karmic setbacks...
I am so grateful for the family I choose...The family I was born into is not so keen on me. Most of them are crazy, and all of them are selfish, and none of them have the ability to showcase, harbor or nurture love for anyone (besides Mom). None of them even love themselves. And while I currently have the opportunity to look down on them for this, I choose instead to feel compassion with them. I know exactly where they are, emotionally.
I know how hard it hurts to hate myself. I know how many times I've wanted to kill myself, and how they must be feeling...I know one of my sisters has wanted to kill herself multiple times just as I have, and I know the burden that that is to carry in oneself....to live every day looking in the mirror wishing someone else were there...feeling stuck as this person that you hate, wishing God would grant you with serenity somehow and not knowing how to find it at all. I know it is an intensely scary place to live, and I am so grateful I have found my way out of it. I hope she has too, because I love her with every piece of my heart and part of me will die when she does.
Both of my sisters continue to ruin their relationships because it scares them so soooo hard to have any. I know this part so closely. And every day, I continue to struggle to nurture relationships with the people I love and trust most. And after all the work I've put in to myself, it is still incredibly hard for me to do. It scares the shit out of me to trust anyone but myself, and I am always worrying that whatever I have allowed someone else to give to my life will be taken at any moment. But I continue to do it because I need the personal development. I need the people I love, and I am SO grateful that at least a few of the ones I love, love me in return. I know I am NOWHERE NEAR winning any sort of prize (even an Honorable Mention) for the quality of my relationships, but I am continually working on that.
My aunt feels taken advantage of, and alone, and as if no one could ever possibly truly care about her, except her daughter. And as much as I've bitched about and berated Alecia, I am truly, truly grateful for her because I know she is the one thing that has kept my aunt alive as long as she has been. My aunt developed cancer about ten years ago, and at the time, the doctors gave her six months or less to live. Through crushing debt, she withstood life-altering medical procedures -- procedures that would probably substantially change a person's personality because they were so heavy and there were so many -- and she has pushed herself to live ten years later so that she could enjoy her daughter's life with her. Talk about inspiring parenting. She would do anything and everything (and truly has) for her daughter. Not to mention all the shit she had to go through as a child that she has done her best to cope with....but because of her having a bad attitude sometimes, or feeling empty or diseased in herself, many of us have chosen to make our lives "easier" by discounting her as handicapped, her feelings as invalid, and her being as worthless, and I have personally seen the hell she has gone through, feeling that no one that she loves even cares for her. I have heard her daughter scream out in fear and pain of their shared belief that when her mom dies, my cousin will have nowhere to go, and that no one in the family loves either of them. The two of them have bonded so closely, thank god....however, I wish it wasn't in the face of absolute loneliness. But then again, is there any other time at which we humans choose to bond?
I can only imagine the pain my other aunt has been a part of throughout her life. At roughly 60 (and being bipolar), she has seen (and surely felt) quite a bit. She has suffered the loss of her husband at a young age, forcing her into single parenthood. Any time she brings him up, you can just feel how much she misses him. She says she's never remarried, because while she may have been attracted to other men, he was her one true love. How many of us have our one true love and mistreat him or her? How man of us respect him/her as much as they fully deserve? I can't bear to be in the same room as my aunt whenever her husband is brought up for even a moment for fear of breaking down into tears, that is how much she still loves him, and that is how big I can feel it. Please, for God's sake, PLEASE cherish those you love while you still have the time and ability to do so.
I am so, so, sooooo grateful for my mommy. Besides the whole birthing thing, I would not be alive, in any stretch of the imagination, if it weren't for her. When everyone else had disowned me and distanced themselves from me, including the rest of my family, she has not only stood by me and who I am in the face of great ridicule and judgment, but she also welcomed me into her house and briefly supported me after all of the mistakes I have made, knowing I would make tons more. If she hadn't done that, I know I would not be alive right now. I would not have been able to afford food, I would be freezing in the cold right now, and I know, even if I'd been able (SOMEHOW) to rectify those two, Lord knows I would not have put priority on my medicine and may have seized out by now.
I have so much to be grateful for right now. Often times, I feel like I have very little, because if one were to see my life from an outside perspective, I do have much, much less than many/most others, when it comes to things I own, and money and worldly stuff like that. But even though my family is crazy as fuck, and half of them hate me, I at least have the knowledge of how much I love them, and how much we have changed each other's lives. And in times like these, where I take a breath, and I take a deep moment to reflect, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for all the pain we've caused each other, all the hatred we've thrown at each other out of blind pain, and I am grateful for all the really fun, really sweet, really loving times we've spent together, because it has allowed me to learn about my family and about myself and about life. And it has helped me to come to terms (as well as I can) with the other pain I've been given in my life, which has often felt like it has been too much to feel, and carry, and live in.
Whether or not I say it, or in fact, even if I say the opposite, please know how much I love you. All.
Life is so full of bumps. Each bump is a learning expirience. We can choose to mull in it and beat ourselves up, or we can choose to say Hey that sucked, I don't ever want to do that again. When we mull we are not learning, when we ignore we are not learning. We are learning when we choose to change our behaviors. Believe me most people run around with a smile on their face and are miserable on the inside. You can walk in their shoes only so much as they allow you to. I think the family we have is a good one compared to some of the families out there. We may have more then our fair share of sadness, but then we have each other to lean on. Often times when we feel alone, if we looked up we would see the room filled with people who care, we just need to be better at reaching out to them. Oh and I know what you mean about friends. I have friends on Facebook that I get to meet rarely, and when we meet in person sometimes the click we had online isn't there. The same is true about any friends. You can only expect as much intamacy as you are willing to give them. You don't have to give away all your secrects and you can be nice when telling them the honest truth. Good people will appreciate it. That's my Thanksgiving take on things love.
ReplyDelete*hug* -Aub