Monday, April 5, 2010, 12:43 AM

Tonight, I'm learning to be free. And it is truly scaring the shit out of me, because that means I don't get to have control, something I've long held in my life, the thing most highly sought after my whole life.

I'm learning it is OK to cede my arrogance to others' beliefs about me. I'm learning it's OK to let others "win." I'm learning it is OK to feel pain and not get EVerything I want RIGHT now, and furthermore that getting later what I want now may give me a higher payoff. In "forcing" Alex to hang out with me tonight, I receive his attention, I receive a payoff of control, and I receive validation. But by allowing him to be himself and not manipulating him into begrudgingly acquiescing to my desires and compulsions, I start (potentially) building respect, trust, care, love, service (the highest form of love) and a future path for us. And I'll never be able to control if he will want to be with me again, and if I try to, I suffocate him, us and the chance/his desire to.

"It might never be the same, we may never be able to live those days gone by, but we can try."

I get to inquire into Alex. Is he feeling respected? Is he feeling loved? Is he feeling manipulated? Is he feeling free to be himself and love himself for it? Is he being how HE wants to be, and not how I want him to be?

I feel like I TRULY love Alex. I know I would IMMENSELY LOVE to be with him for the rest of my life (at this point, I can imagine nothing finer), so I really need to start treating him and his life as such. I need to show him that he is No. 1 to me, and treat him how I feel he deserves to be treated -- NOT how I think I SHOULD treat him, or however I want to treat him, or how I think he wants to be treated, or in reaction to how he or anyone else treats me that day, because all that is fluid -- I need to begin treating him how the beauty and truth of him DESERVES to be treated -- every moment of our lives.

Furthermore, I can extend that to all others in my life, in fact.

Love and Peace!

Kindness

Kindness is new... I'm not sure what to write about it because I haven't often experienced it, in others or in myself. (When I say I haven't "Experienced" it, it doesn't mean it hasn't been around me trying to engage in me, I simply may have been not allowing it to engage with me)

So the other day, I went to a friend's house who I just barely met...her name is Angel Shannon, and you can find her, or her product Tranquility Circle, on my Facebook page. She read my blog the other day and was concerned about me so she offered me her services for free, and of course I welcomed the offer, as I believe when things are offered to people, especially for free, it is the Universe's way of saying "This is for you, take it." So I went. I have no idea how to exactly describe the meeting, but to sum it up it was kind of like a counseling session, I guess. After all the processing, and after all the tears, laughter and serious talk, we came down to an agreement on kindness. I have NEVER cared to be kind to anyone -- literally EVER -- unless I received an ROI. Kindness was simply about what I would get back because of what I put out, and if I could foresee no valuable ROI, it wasn't worth my time and effort, and I wouldn't make the effort to be kind. Angel assisted me in seeing the value of kindness in my life and in the lives of others (among other very deep realizations about myself, my past and my ability to shape my future) and it was very powerful. So I am challenging myself to be kind every day. Angel challenged me to take at least an hour every day to make a concerted effort to be kind to everyone, no matter who they were or what they could or could not do for me. But I've taken it one further and am doing everything I can do at all times to be kind to people. But I'm not going to be a perfectionist and beat myself up if I don't do it. I've already started and I've already slipped up and I've mostly been inspired by my ability to do something I had no faith in myself doing. So it's lookin' up, and we'll see where it goes from here :)