I need to start forgiving myself. Because I don't, I hurt. And I continue to pile up negative thoughts about myself and my choices, and I continue to hurt. I fall into deep depression, and the only time I ever feel like I can actually breathe is when I get just above the tip of the water -- to a place where I don't fully believe in my pain, but I definitely don't believe in my joy, either. I've experienced what I believe to be pure joy possibly 3 times in my life thus far. And it is because I am too far into my own asshole of depression to feel anything else. One step I've identified today as a possible way to change this and start feeling REAL joy more often is to forgive myself for the "mistakes" I've made. Noticing that any "failure" was just a chance I took, and noticing why it may have turned out as a failure. I will never KNOW why it was a failure, but I can do my best to guess at why, subsequently teaching myself what does and what does not bring me joy. Let's see if it works.
*Specifically, the things I am forgiving myself for right now are:
1- My decision to lie to myself in order to create a dream world so I could be a part of something I thought I wanted, but that in reality was not the right fit for me.
2- The repetitive choices I made to give myself away freely without receiving anything back.
3- My unwillingness to speak my truth, in fear that I would lose what I only dreamed I had.
4- My holding back everything about me (the beautiful AND the "ugly") in order to please someone else.
5- My true self giving in to my ego self every step along the way in the past few weeks.
6- My disappointment and self-flagellation over my tendency toward anger.
7- Hiding, and not getting what I really want.
8- Being okay with (and even idolizing) something that is not the most loving choice for me.
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Thank you for adding to the discussion :)