Life In Cartoon Motion

Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain. I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
I am beautiful, in every single way.

To all your friends, you're delirious. So confused.
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness.
But you are beautiful. No matter what they say.
Words can't bring you down.
You are beautiful, in EVERY SINGLE way.

No matter what we do, no matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine.

--Christina Aguilera
From the song "Beautiful" from the album "Stripped"

Over the last few months, I have been tackling my lack of self-worth. I have been screaming at myself. Hating myself. Glaring at myself in the mirror for the ugliness I possessed. Wanting to punch the mirror and shatter all those words and judgments and beliefs into little pieces. And then hating myself for not doing so, and continuing to believe all the warring thoughts I had about myself.

I've blamed myself for breaking up my engagement. I've blamed myself for his alcoholism. I've hated myself for the actions I took during the course of our relationship, and our break-up. I've hated myself for the last 17 years, letting each unconscious year pile up the interest. I've told myself I'm "perfect," that I'm alright, that everyone loves me...so I don't have to. And it all finally came to a screeching halt when I walked through (and 3 days later, out of) the doors to The Great Life Foundation's Singles/Relationships training, without having any idea why.

I hated Great Life. I hated the trainer. I hated the fact that they were trying to resurrect this obvious failure of a training. Even though I loved them, I convinced myself that I hated everyone who was in the room with me, because they were about to learn all of my sin. I had no fucking clue why I had just paid this place my money. I had no idea why, given all of that hatred for where I was at in that moment, why I continued walking in through the doors. I kept saying to myself "Get out of here, what the fuck are you doing? You know you don't want to be here, and you have so many reasons to back it up." And then the sweet voice of my Spirit spoke up and said "Just don't listen to that right now, okay. Walk in, sit down, and do the training until you can't anymore. Then you will know you are done. At THAT point you will know it was too much for you, or was wrong for you. Just keep walking. Just keep walking." And I kept walking.

I was joined by my favorite people at Great Life, and some new people I'd never even met, which is very rare for me. You see, I worked at Great Life for a year from 2008-2009, and I was the only person working there who seemed to actually care about and get in touch with the graduates and work for their rights, be on their side of the game. So I became known there very quickly. So much so that people I don't see as often STILL ask me "So, you still work at Great Life?"....a year later...after only putting in a year there......Lol. As I saw all of my favorite people walk in the doors, and we all started dancing, I thought "Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to be vulnerable in front of all these people. I CANNOT do that. They know the inspiring me. They know the powerful me. They know the courageous me." And just as I started to get up the courage to stay in the room -- and even smile -- I turned around and in one MINUTE glance, I saw Daniel Lauro. "NOPE I am leaving RIGHT now!" screamed my brain, and I turned to leave the room, and right then the sweet voice yelled (so it could be louder than the music) "What are you doing? This is not the point for you to leave. It's just Daniel."
"But it's DANIEL FUCKING LAURO. I CANNOT be vulnerable and courageous and sweet and learn what I need to learn with the sexiest gay man around Great Life in this room. I CANnot do it!"
"Yes. It will be difficult. But deal. This is not the point at which you leave."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....
FINE!
FUCK!!!!
(Did I say that yet???)
So I continued in the class, and I lived in every horrible moment about myself, and I left once the class was over. THAT was the point at which I was to leave, that I'd been guiding myself to this whole time.

So perfectly did every moment come up in that class that reminded me of my self-loathing. And I took myself to the wall every time, reminding myself that this is what I deserved. I DESERVE to let go of my lack, and my bitterness, and my anger, and my pity, and my impurities. This class was the refiner's fire for me. And I am so grateful for it.

Now, this post isn't some pitch for the class. I mean, if you find value in the words I've shared, and you haven't taken this training, or any of the trainings at The Great Life Foundation, then cool. I suggest you check 'em out, simply 'cause I've learned SOOOOO much about myself and what works for me and my life from completing the trainings there, but this is in no way supposed to be an ad, lol. My experience in this class best describes in a shorter manner what I have been feeling my whole life, in order to highlight the growth I have gone through and am about to explain.

I feel beautiful. I really feel that word.
Beautiful.
I can claim it.
And I have been pushing down that feeling for well over a decade now. I cannot actually remember a time where I've felt beautiful -- but I do right now. And it has staying power. It is IN ME. It is my spirit. I am a beautiful young man. And no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. Whatever someone may say is THEIR reality, and they let that dictate their life, their behaviors, actions and beliefs. And I am over here in my reality, and I can choose to let it dictate my life, behaviors, actions and beliefs. But I am no longer choosing that, because it hurts, and I now am aware of how intensely beautiful I am. I don't NEED to prolong their message. I don't NEED to feel ugly, stupid, impotent, useless, manipulative, unworthy, or untrustworthy. Because I am none of those things. They are all just stories others have told about me that I have bought in to. And THEN I even enrolled OTHERS into believing those stories about me too! How crazy! LOL.

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad...
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, Gotta be mean, Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Now, getting angry doesn't solve anything
How can I help it? How can I help it?
How can I help what you think?

--Mika
From the song "Grace Kelly" from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion"

So, yeah, I now see and know this, and just in case you were wondering as well:
I am beautiful.
I am intensely intelligent.
I am intuitive. My spirit is one of the most high-functioning I've ever experienced.
I am generous. I care SO much about the welfare of others, in my community, in my life, and in my heart.
I am loving, and I am nurturing. I love to love people. I love to feel love from people. I love to exchange our spirits and our beauty and our warmth in an engaging manner, leaving the experience with the realization that we are both divine spirits.
I am funny. Oh my GOD, have I learned this one, recently and quickly! I always knew I had a talent for wit -n- quip, but I never believed myself to be hilarious, and DAMN, girl, I AM! I am always making people around me explode in laughter, and if not, I am ALWAYS laughing with myself!
I am full of passion, bursting and brimming with excitement for myself, and for life, and for serving others the best way I can!
I bring joy, peace, clarity, stability and serenity into people's lives.
I am courageous. I do things that most other people will not, because they are afraid to and they let the fear stop them, whereas I am afraid to and I don't let the fear stop me. I push through it with my courage.
I am inspiring. I really felt this one this morning -- about an hour ago. I live my life uncommonly, and in that way I inspire others to SURVIVE their lives instead of to give up. I inspire others to LIVE their lives in the moment. I inspire others to be grateful for what they have, who they are, and what they have been able to achieve in their lives. I inspire others to look past what their beliefs are, and see what they could be. I inspire others to see the future and make it reality.

I love me. Finally. Right now. Count on it. I love me. A lot. I can't even get over saying it! Haha! I. Love. Me.

Who's with me?? :D

Yea, a game! Count how many times I say the Fuck word!

Did you feel unworthy today? Did you feel like you were too fat? Did you feel too black? Too ugly?
Did you feel too priceless? Did you feel too amazing? Did you feel too loved? Too beautiful?

Today, I felt mostly the first set of questions. I felt bad, sick, wrong, inefficient, unworthy. I felt too gay, too bitchy, too lazy, not funny enough, out of place. I felt arrogant and selfish and fat and hairy and ashamed...I felt immature and useless and offensive and angry and violent.

And I think we are all feeling all those things, and many more, way too often in all of our lives. I feel like we feel many of them at the same time, overwhelmed by the sheer explosion of sorrow and pain coursing through our hearts. That energy can burst out to those around us, whether via physical, verbal or energetic assault, and can affect the visions and peace in another's life.

Today, I experienced this, two-fold. I was at a hair appointment with my friend, and was cursing (of course). Apparently it offended someone so highly that he felt the need to get up in the middle of his haircut and physically threaten me over it. This is something I don't really get...I live my life daily having words thrown around me that could offend me if I so choose...Hell is the least of MY worries. I get to look past "faggot," "dickmouth," "cocksucker," "fag," "queer," "pussy," "pansy," "gay," "ass-pirate," and volumes of other similar terms. Not to mention the fear I am in when around any straight guys that I will get beat the shit out of for opening my mouth. So yeah, if I say "I'll fucking raise hell" around you, then how about you shut your goddamn mouth and deal with it like I do? I am so sick of everyone in this world thinking "Hey, I am an asshole, and I get to be that way, but you don't get to be anything you want to be. Deal? Done." Ummmmmmmmmm, NO. I'm gonna be a fucking victim if I want to be. I'm gonna be a fucking asshole if I want to be. I'm going to be a fucking queer-homo-gayboy-faggot if I want to be. I'm going to be disgusting and childish and intelligent and grateful. I'm going to be everything that makes up me, and I will no longer resent myself for it, nor apologize to you for it. If I'm a sinner, that is up to me, and it is not your job to tell me that so that your fake god will tell you "Good job, you did the best you could do, son!" when you die and never meet him because your religion is a phallacy (misspelled on purpose). It is not your job to save me or anyone else around you. What it's your job to do, if you so choose, is to save your own ass, to save your money so you don't fuck up the rest of our lives with a credit-crunch-breakdown like you have thus far, and to save your words for someone who gives a flying fuck. I am a stand for diversity and free expression, and I am a stand for respect and compassion, and I think the two can co-exist. And I do not believe that they will always exist in harmony, concurrently, or in perfection; however, I do feel it is my responsibility to work on it in my own self and further it in my life. I also know that just because I stand for something does not make me the most perfect at it, and one thing I am REALLY fucking sick of is people criticizing me for what I say and where I stand, in that I am not perfect enough in it. The one thing that Great Life REALLY fuckin sucks at is teaching ANY form of respect or compassion. Do you enjoy it if I come up to you and say "YOU'RE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" er, excuse me, let me put that in Great Life terms: "MY EXPERIENCE OF YOU IS THAT YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING VICTIM AND A BABY AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!" NO!! Of course you don't! So why the fuck would you say it to me as if it is inspiring? Is it because you have no sense of what inspiration actually is? That is my belief. Because I know when I thought I was being inspiring, I was actually attacking, and being an asshole, and people hated being around me. So "mirror mirror on the wall," get the fuck out of here and "inspire" someone else.