Greatness/Shadow

K, so this weekend, I learned something great about myself. I have no self worth when I choose to not have it, and I have a lot of self-worth when I choose to have it. Additionally, I realized why I would want to choose to have self-worth.

For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.

So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)

I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!

So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.

So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.

So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.

I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.

That is all for now.

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Ry

Full Circle

I feel like ever since Alex broke up with me, I've been going through A LOT of pain. I've felt neglected, I've felt used, I've felt like dirt, I've felt like hell....rarely have I felt happy, accepted, loved or worthy. Until lately. The last few days or week, I've really felt reconnected with myself, and I've felt happy, and like the world is a really great place that likes me. Ironically, after not talking to me at all this whole time, Alex added me on Facebook today and messaged me saying "I've been an ass to you and I'm sorry." First off, total kudos to him for being mature and humble and nice and sincere like that. Second, this is another example to me of how the Universe works when I let it. When I clear the blockages I've put in my path, the Universe starts working for me...or moreso, WITH me. Well, I'm actually gonna change what I wrote: it's not that the Universe is ever working with OR against me. The Universe is always there just being, and I am putting blocks in my way and then blaming everything else but myself. And then when I remove them, I don't see that it was me that put them in the way and then I return to blaming the Universe. But it's really just unaccountability getting in the way of my vision. Good to learn.

Are You Half An Ass?

I have experienced living half-assed for quite a while now. Without thinking very far back, I can ballpark it to about age 10 -- 13.5 years now. When my parents divorced -- and more aptly, when I internalized that my father rejected me -- I started to live life on autopilot. I was smart enough so I didn't even have to go to half my classes to get a decent grade. This continued on into college. I actually got approached by a professor who was bewildered and confused about what action to take; his syllabus indicated attendance as an integral piece of the successful grade-getting puzzle, but I was coming in just for the test and acing the class...he didn't know how he should grade me (what can I tell you, I am always pushing up against people's beliefs about what reality "should be" and what reality actually is lol).

For the longest time I blamed my inability to perform to my best on a number of things, including but not limited to: TIME (I mastered the ability to align my life with time and timeliness and then completely rejected it), ATTENTION (for MUCH too long I have "needed" attention and praise to "motivate" me -- by "motivate" I simply mean "keep me going until the next experience in which I was then starved for attention"), PERFECTION (I always needed to be beautiful, intelligent, right, inspiring, happy, real, successful, good enough...but not just that -- the MOST beautiful, intelligent, right, inspiring, happy, real, successful and good enough that was possible. No one could ever be better than me. If so, I was a failure and there was hell to pay within myself, and then I would manifest that without), CLARITY, OTHERS' OPINIONS/ACCEPTANCE (FYI: this, coupled with perfection, was my largest and most resilient downfall).

I'm typing this to make it even more real for myself. And I'm hoping that you will learn from it and that you will take it into your life and begin applying it if it rings true for you. But mostly, I'm writing it for me.

I've lived too long being half an ass. I'd rather just not be an ass at all (is that perfection coming in, though?) --> Oh, that points out a great aspect of my half-assed-ness that I forgot to mention. I would always worry myself to death, criticizing myself to death, and picturing the worst that could happen to keep myself from inaction. Also, I always focused my energy and my vitality even on the benefit and the "helping" of others and I never focused enough on me. Here is a tricky part for me to describe. There's the whole "live for yourself, 'cause it's not (the bad version of) selfish" conversation that I'm not quite sure really sinks in to anyone's brain...and I know it didn't for me...but that's not even quite what I mean when I say I never lived for myself...I THOUGHT I was living for me. That's where the shit was hitting the fan. I fooled myself into believing that I cared so much about a person or an organization that I would drop anything to help them or make ridiculous sacrifices to my personal integrity to make sure they felt okay. I actually believed THAT was my nature. The truth I see now is that everyone is capable of making their own choices and living in their own beliefs and realities and I hinder their growth and their future power by living half-assed and supporting them in THEIR half-assed-ness, if they were even that close...

When my dad left, I felt punished for not being good enough, though I had no real evidence that I WASN'T good enough. That, for some odd reason, was the first story that popped into my head in the very first moment I heard he left. I have been living that belief for over 13 years...more than half of my life...

I am finally discovering that I am good enough to be who I want to be, and I am teaching myself that, experience by experience. My life is changing dramatically as I connect with all this evidence. It really is beautiful right now, and the neophyte I am is afraid it will go away and I won't know how to regain it. But the truth is that I will know how to regain it, because I have just now learned how to gain it with no precedent. This time, if it slips, I will have a precedent to remember and to rely on for inspiration to find my way forward to where I want to live.

Good news.