1) I am getting with Shawn Saunders, Justan Peterson & Jordan Beckstead to make music to my lyrics.
2) I am recording the finished songs with John Rogers & Joshua Voiles and posting them on Facebook, YouTube and MySpace.
3) I am driving an RV around the country, playing my songs in parks and other random locations, for optional donations and love.
The RVs I am interested in are here (in order):
http://www.cruiseamerica.com/buy/vehicleDetails.aspx?stock=300639
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947230399.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1947425464.html
http://saltlakecity.craigslist.org/rvs/1954227465.html
4) I am eating delicious food while I do all of this.
5) I am going with at least one of the following beautiful, joyful, adventurous, radiant and giving travel companions: Mary Gwilliam, Jason Harward, Jordan Norman, Jordan Beckstead, Jared Orvis, Garrett Robarge, Allisa Mason, Lori Baldwin, Melanie Muranaka, Kellen Jordan, Jace Wilson, Jackie Peck, Jameson Harris, Walter Allred, Justan Peterson, Kasey Murdock, Shawn Saunders, Kylie Owens, Colton Jones, Rob Morris.
6) I am committing charitable acts along the way. I.e., experiencing and serving the homeless culture in a different city, serving children in underprivileged schools and neighborhood clubs, refurbishing ghetto areas, walking dogs and puppies, and more.
7) I and each of my travel companions work in each city while we are there (doing whatever we choose), for two purposes: to give back to the road and earn our keep, and to temporarily experience life in another city as a different kind of citizen.
8) I prefer that my loved ones fund this for me initially. Honestly, I am completely broke, that's my (scared-to-admit) vulnerable truth. What I know about myself is when I have a financial backbone, I don't feel worried, frantic and scarce-minded, and instead can more easily, efficiently and effectively focus myself on leadership and huge value creation in every moment. I am committed to making this happen, whether or not that initial funding comes, and I appreciate every single person who DOES choose to enhance my journey with that initial funding. And I am not asking for a handout with this. If you do choose to give any money to me to assist with this, I will ONLY accept it after we have worked out some kind of terms and conditions.
I am open. All I care about is that I create this for myself. There is no other option for me. I am open to giving to you whatever I can give to make this happen. If you see value, jump on board and see how you can assist!
Please leave any remarks/questions/comments/feedback/additions/suggestions/requests you have.
Thank you! :D
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
7.18.2010
Day Two of Utah-L.A. Move, Continued: The Heat Is On!
So, I buy: chocolate milk (YUM! Haven't had in years!!), an old-fashioned-style blackberry soda, and a bottle of lemonade. I don't get any water because I think these three will hydrate me enough. So I slam the chocolate milk, and half to two-thirds of the CARBONATED blackberry soda in the desert heat, and then pull out of Chainsaw Market. By the time I get off of the on-ramp back onto I-15, my stomach is killing me...."What," I wonder, "could possibly be wrong with my stomach? The only thing I've really consumed is.....chocolate MILK on a blazing hot day AND 12 oz. of (minimally flavored) carbonated sugar water...it couldn't possibly be that, could it??" Haha! Now, I write that as if I had no idea, but I did....I just write it like that because I felt SOOO stupid for not foreseeing that this would happen. Let's mix an empty stomach, desert heats, milk, carbonation, sugar and dehydration. Bright mix, Apollo. Lol.
So the next town (same mini-market type of situation) is about a half hour away and I am plugging along the best I can with my circumstances. I feel like I'm about to puke AND pass out now (haha!) and luckily I make it to the next town and buy like 2 or 3 waters and chug 1.5 of 'em! My body gratefully soaks up the water and I am on my way again!
As I am driving into areas with real-life now, I have no map. And I am on the freeway. In Los Angeles. Yeah, one thing that I am illuminating about myself through writing these blogs is that I am possibly THE most ill-prepared traveler ever. HAHA. My whole life, I always thought you could take I-15 straight down to L.A. Turns out it actually goes straight to San Diego, which is a surprising distance away from L.A. (in my opinion). Luckily -- seriously, "by the grace of god" defined -- I happened to be exploring Google Maps out of minute curiosity the week before and I remember only that I was surprised to learn I can't take I-15 straight to L.A., and that I need to get onto another freeway somewhere after Barstow. I was in a hurry at the time, so I didn't memorize anything and told myself to come back and search again before I made the drive down. Yeah....if you didn't notice, in the last blog, I said I'd finish Day Two's blog the next day, and here it is, a day late (and that is only because I randomly came back to my blog and saw that I had made a promise about which I'd apparently forgot and felt a little bad so I was motivated to write this blog....therefore, AMPLE evidence that I am not the best at keeping my commitments to focus online. Lol.
So, I'm on the freeway, and I come to a choice: I can either go South to San Diego or West to Pasadena. Wait a minute. Where's my "South to Los Angeles" option??? Shit! Well, I don't want to keep going to San Diego, but I don't know if I'll come across another freeway that will take me away from SD.....so.....I choose to go to Pasadena and hope for the best! HAHA! So I'm pluggin along toward Pasadena, and another choice comes upon me....continue to Pasadena, or go toward....Los Angeles! Yea! This time it is in my favor! Lol. So of course I head toward L.A. and then I have a bit of a mental problem. There are two freeways here that are similarly numbered. The 110 and the 101. Which one is it that takes me into Hollywood? And which one is the devil's freeway?? I can't remember for the life of me! And I'm comin up on the exits for both....oh shit...how do I decide, how do I decide????
Well, thank god California Department of Transportation planned ahead for idiots like me. They nicknamed the 101 "Hollywood Freeway" and even went so far as to publish it on the last "exit now" sign! So I swerve into the exit lane right before it veers off the highway and head into Hollywood. Ahhhhhh, familiar territory....how I love thee....
I get into town (took the wrong exit and drove much longer than I needed to...) and pull up to my lovely place of residence. I jump out of my car, excited to lay my body down and walk up to the gate, where I must put in the code to get in. So, I put it in. And no loud, annoying, make-you-want-to-carve-your-eardrums-out-of-your-ears noise booms. What? So I put the code in again. Once again, no noise. HUH?? So I put it in again (because this makes lots of sense at this point). NO NOISE! What the fuck?!? So I call James (my roommate) and ask what's going on, and he goes into some story about them changing the codes and the codes not working and basically I'm pissed. So I get to sit outside of my own apartment like a panhandler waiting for someone to come who knows how to get in.
When I finally get inside, I lie down, James gets home and tells me I should go get a box-fan to put into my window. You are a genius, James, because it is blisteringly hot and I was too tired and dead to think of that myself! So I go get a box-fan (for $20...jealous that I can't buy the portable A/C units for $200.......) and come home and put it in my window. I turn my back on it to surf the net and ten minutes later I hear a BANG-CRASH (WTF??) and all of a sudden I no longer feel fanny-goodness. Once again, WTF?? Apparently, my fan was blasting so hard (huh?....) that it fell backward, broke my window screen and fell two stories onto the ground below. Oh, yea!! I am so excited at this point that I spent $20 for ten minutes of a working fan!! HAHAHA. So I begrudgingly go and collect my fan, assuming it's dead and trying to figure out what I can say to Home Depot to get them to give me a refund, and I bring it back upstairs and plug it in, and it works like it's still new! (Well, 'cause it is....but I mean, like it never fell two stories and smashed to the cement! Lol). So, luckily, I have, like, the mini-est side table ever in my room (like, I think the actual circumference is 10 inches.....) and I get the fan somewhat properly set on that so it works, it's halfway as cool as if I'd set the fan in the window sill, and makes the room bearable.
Once again, James being a genius, he comes into my room a couple days later and asks why my fan is not in my window, and I reply that it fell out onto the cement outside after ten minutes and I did not want to have to make that journey to collect it every ten minutes for the rest of the summer....So he asks "Well, did you close the window on it to hold it in?" No. I did not. Of course. And he puts it in the window, closes the window on the top of it to hold it in, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you...it has stayed there for 2 days now straight!
Two thumbs up for intellect!!
So the next town (same mini-market type of situation) is about a half hour away and I am plugging along the best I can with my circumstances. I feel like I'm about to puke AND pass out now (haha!) and luckily I make it to the next town and buy like 2 or 3 waters and chug 1.5 of 'em! My body gratefully soaks up the water and I am on my way again!
As I am driving into areas with real-life now, I have no map. And I am on the freeway. In Los Angeles. Yeah, one thing that I am illuminating about myself through writing these blogs is that I am possibly THE most ill-prepared traveler ever. HAHA. My whole life, I always thought you could take I-15 straight down to L.A. Turns out it actually goes straight to San Diego, which is a surprising distance away from L.A. (in my opinion). Luckily -- seriously, "by the grace of god" defined -- I happened to be exploring Google Maps out of minute curiosity the week before and I remember only that I was surprised to learn I can't take I-15 straight to L.A., and that I need to get onto another freeway somewhere after Barstow. I was in a hurry at the time, so I didn't memorize anything and told myself to come back and search again before I made the drive down. Yeah....if you didn't notice, in the last blog, I said I'd finish Day Two's blog the next day, and here it is, a day late (and that is only because I randomly came back to my blog and saw that I had made a promise about which I'd apparently forgot and felt a little bad so I was motivated to write this blog....therefore, AMPLE evidence that I am not the best at keeping my commitments to focus online. Lol.
So, I'm on the freeway, and I come to a choice: I can either go South to San Diego or West to Pasadena. Wait a minute. Where's my "South to Los Angeles" option??? Shit! Well, I don't want to keep going to San Diego, but I don't know if I'll come across another freeway that will take me away from SD.....so.....I choose to go to Pasadena and hope for the best! HAHA! So I'm pluggin along toward Pasadena, and another choice comes upon me....continue to Pasadena, or go toward....Los Angeles! Yea! This time it is in my favor! Lol. So of course I head toward L.A. and then I have a bit of a mental problem. There are two freeways here that are similarly numbered. The 110 and the 101. Which one is it that takes me into Hollywood? And which one is the devil's freeway?? I can't remember for the life of me! And I'm comin up on the exits for both....oh shit...how do I decide, how do I decide????
Well, thank god California Department of Transportation planned ahead for idiots like me. They nicknamed the 101 "Hollywood Freeway" and even went so far as to publish it on the last "exit now" sign! So I swerve into the exit lane right before it veers off the highway and head into Hollywood. Ahhhhhh, familiar territory....how I love thee....
I get into town (took the wrong exit and drove much longer than I needed to...) and pull up to my lovely place of residence. I jump out of my car, excited to lay my body down and walk up to the gate, where I must put in the code to get in. So, I put it in. And no loud, annoying, make-you-want-to-carve-your-eardrums-out-of-your-ears noise booms. What? So I put the code in again. Once again, no noise. HUH?? So I put it in again (because this makes lots of sense at this point). NO NOISE! What the fuck?!? So I call James (my roommate) and ask what's going on, and he goes into some story about them changing the codes and the codes not working and basically I'm pissed. So I get to sit outside of my own apartment like a panhandler waiting for someone to come who knows how to get in.
When I finally get inside, I lie down, James gets home and tells me I should go get a box-fan to put into my window. You are a genius, James, because it is blisteringly hot and I was too tired and dead to think of that myself! So I go get a box-fan (for $20...jealous that I can't buy the portable A/C units for $200.......) and come home and put it in my window. I turn my back on it to surf the net and ten minutes later I hear a BANG-CRASH (WTF??) and all of a sudden I no longer feel fanny-goodness. Once again, WTF?? Apparently, my fan was blasting so hard (huh?....) that it fell backward, broke my window screen and fell two stories onto the ground below. Oh, yea!! I am so excited at this point that I spent $20 for ten minutes of a working fan!! HAHAHA. So I begrudgingly go and collect my fan, assuming it's dead and trying to figure out what I can say to Home Depot to get them to give me a refund, and I bring it back upstairs and plug it in, and it works like it's still new! (Well, 'cause it is....but I mean, like it never fell two stories and smashed to the cement! Lol). So, luckily, I have, like, the mini-est side table ever in my room (like, I think the actual circumference is 10 inches.....) and I get the fan somewhat properly set on that so it works, it's halfway as cool as if I'd set the fan in the window sill, and makes the room bearable.
Once again, James being a genius, he comes into my room a couple days later and asks why my fan is not in my window, and I reply that it fell out onto the cement outside after ten minutes and I did not want to have to make that journey to collect it every ten minutes for the rest of the summer....So he asks "Well, did you close the window on it to hold it in?" No. I did not. Of course. And he puts it in the window, closes the window on the top of it to hold it in, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you...it has stayed there for 2 days now straight!
Two thumbs up for intellect!!
7.08.2010
Day One, Continued (And Day Two): Lost In TransL.A.tion
So, I don't die. Just in case you didn't solve that riddle. Lol.
I am still walking on this "street" that is more like I-15 than a street...and it is now time for our Conference Call as coaches...So I get on the call and mute it for their benefit and participate and it's pretty decent and all the while, people are honking at me, as if I don't know they are rushing by behind me about to kill me, and like I'm completely impeding their ability to drive OVER the speed limit by walking basically in bushes. Sigh....
After the call ends, I finally find an off-ramp and feverishly head up it, not knowing or caring where I am, just that I am off death-street. Lol.
At this point, I'm lost, starving and it's starting to get dark. I text my friend James Ord who lives down here and ask him for advice and he points me in a decent direction. Soon enough I am getting over-priced food and barely sating my appetite. Lol. I am hella tired and just want to catch a bus back to where I'm staying and have no idea where to go. So I ask my server and he points me in a direction. He is incredibly vague, but I think to myself "Eh, I got this, how hard can it be to find my way home?" WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL BEING SO OPTIMISTIC??? LOL! So I start walking, and am a little lost and I decide to go back and ask for the directions again because I do NOT want to get stuck on another street like La Cienega again! Lol. So I ask two more times, and he just repeats the same vague directions. Thank god at that point his supervisor steps into the conversation and is much clearer. So I head toward the bus stop and some random black chick starts talking to me. She is very cool, and really sweet and talkative and we will really click. At this point, I wanna cling on to any hope I may have, and am violently debating in my head whether or not it would seem too creepy to ask her for her number so I can stay in contact with her, and by the time I decide I will, she gets off at her stop. Cool- Lesson learned: Don't wait, or life will pass me by. (Just FYI, I learned this lesson several more times over the course of my stay, so I think it's safe to say, I didn't ACTUALLY learn it that night with the black chick. Lol)
I finally get back to the place I'm staying, and the guy is creepy as ALL get out....he wants to fuck, and massage me (which that one, I'm actually not too against after my retardedly long day lol), and......that's right, people....HE HAD BED BUGS OOHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD!!
WHAT???
How could the situation with dude get any worse??? Oh, yeah, let's throw some bed bugs into the mix! Why not?!? GUH!
So I kinda scream and he's like "What??" and I'm like "Dude, you have BED BUGS!" And he goes on to ferociously debate it, all the while pulling out this HUGE container of bed bug spray and starts spraying all around and on the bed. Um, I'm sorry, sir, but how are you going to debate the validity of your bed bugs and then pull out a HUGE FUCKING CONTAINER of bug spray that in HUGE letters says that it is specifically designed for BED BUGS. Nothing else, JUST BED BUGS.???!!!??!?!?!?!? WHAAAATTTT????? Yeah, so eff him!
I had spotted that there was a mattress on the floor of his living room just chilling there so I said "Well, I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but would you mind if I just slept on the mattress out there?..." thinking to myself: Even if you DO mind, I'm sleeping on that fucking mattress. Why didn't you offer it to me in the first place???"
So he tries to weasle his way out, and I'm just like "Yeah, I don't mean to disrespect you at all, but I'm sleeping out there. Good night!"
OH MY GOD, RIGHT???
So, it's freezing all night. I've got no blanket with me, 'cause I assumed I'd be sleeping somewhere nicer...with less bugs and more blankets....but I'm not, so alright, I'll make the best of what I've got...I toss and turn all night and I finally get up and text James (who I was going to stay with after my stay at bedbug-mansion had ended) and asked him to please let me stay with him a couple days earlier so I could get the hell out of this place. THANK YOU, JAMES, FOR LETTING ME STAY WITH YOU A COUPLE DAYS EARLIER!!
So that afternoon, I go out on another venture into the city, for 6 more hours, walking everywhere...only this time, I created more pain for myself -- literally. I thought, "Well, I'll go out dressed up a bit, like, business casual type of clothes, so that when I go into prospective employers, I will look better than in my board shorts or cut-offs. So in this dress-nice-decision, I choose to wear my brown dress shoes. Yeah, let's just cut to the chase and say that they are not meant, whatsoever, to wear for more than maybe an hour's worth of walking. Period.
So after all my blister-creating-dress-shoe-walking comes to an end, I am in Hollywood, and it's getting dark. I'm on Santa Monica Blvd, thinking, "Well, Sheryl Crow sang about this street, so I'm sure it's one of the most used streets in Hollywood, so I'm sure a bus will come down this street pretty frequently" so I start walking toward my destination along SMB, so I'm not wasting time just sitting around. Oh my god, I see TONSSSSS of buses! Just none going my way. Oh, wait, yeah, I DID see several heading my way. You know, all the ones that said "Not In Service."
So I continue plodding along, and get into West Hollywood. Still no buses. Well, whatever, I'll just keep walking. Soon, my feet are literally killing me. They are sliced up into tiny little fragments of blisterization and hurt like hell to walk on. But at this point, seeing all the buses saying "Not In Service," I think I'm going to have to walk all the way home, so I might as well just keep walking. I mean, I'm puzzled as to why it's 9:00 and all the buses are already going back to their hub, but whatever, L.A. has been nothing like I expected at this point, so why not believe that their bus system ends at 9 PM? People everywhere do say how bad their transit system sucks. So I sigh (heavily) and continue walking. And walking. And walking. And now I cross into Beverly Hills. Always the optimistic sucker (lol), I think "Well, at least I'm in the pretty neighborhood now, and maybe I'll at least see Katherine Heigl or someone jogging past me." The trouble with BH is, well, four-fold:
First: the regular, PAVED sidewalk turns into a nice dirt pathway. It's beautiful, if it weren't for the fact that I'd been walking on blisters all day, and pretty much mashed down any sole that was left on my shoes, so I could actually feel every ROCK and aberrantly patterned grain of dirt on the path.
Second: they don't find it wise to have any ramps on their curbs at the intersections, so I have to muster every piece of un-maxed-out muscle left in my thighs (which is like, maybe .2% at this point) just to step down the curb at the intersection and then step back up on the other side.
Third: I don't see anyone remotely famous or beautiful along this pathway. Fuck Katherine Heigl. Lol.
Fourth: There are ABSOLUTELY NO bus stops along SMB once you get into BH. NONE! And it stretches forever -- using Utah as an example, just the pretty, non-bussy BH part of SMB would stretch from about 1300 S. to 2700 S.
So I think "I need to stop being optimistic and believing I can walk the rest of this like Jesus did on water and just turn back now." So I stop. And I debate. Should I give up? No, I don't give up! But, Ryan, look at the facts... No! I've ben optimistic this far along and haven't died (yet), what should stop me from continuing to be optimistic?? Ryan, look at the fucking facts. Guh, fine, I give in, I'll turn around! So I turn around. And I make it back to the edge of BH and West Hollywood (abbreviated WeHo). I sit down on the curb and start crying.
No, I didn't really start crying, it just felt like the right way to start wrapping this story up. Haha.
OMG, ALL I DO IS WRITE MOVIES IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME NOW LOL.
Anyhow, I sit down on the curb and think about crying. Lol. (Seriously) Instead, I just lay down on the grass, and go over my day. I mean, other than the blisters (that are actually STILL healing as I write this.....), the day wasn't TOO bad. And I'm sure it wasn't worse than a Mormon missionary's. So life can't be too bad if my day isn't as bad as theirs, doing what they choose to do for two full years. So I sit up, text James and ask him to do me the favor of just picking me up where I'm at, take me to bed-bug-mansion to get my stuff, and bring me back to his place, and he does.
I get home....and I think I ate? I don't know, I can't remember...If not, I must've been WAY too tired, 'cause I know my body was fiending.
Sleep could not have come soon enough.
I am still walking on this "street" that is more like I-15 than a street...and it is now time for our Conference Call as coaches...So I get on the call and mute it for their benefit and participate and it's pretty decent and all the while, people are honking at me, as if I don't know they are rushing by behind me about to kill me, and like I'm completely impeding their ability to drive OVER the speed limit by walking basically in bushes. Sigh....
After the call ends, I finally find an off-ramp and feverishly head up it, not knowing or caring where I am, just that I am off death-street. Lol.
At this point, I'm lost, starving and it's starting to get dark. I text my friend James Ord who lives down here and ask him for advice and he points me in a decent direction. Soon enough I am getting over-priced food and barely sating my appetite. Lol. I am hella tired and just want to catch a bus back to where I'm staying and have no idea where to go. So I ask my server and he points me in a direction. He is incredibly vague, but I think to myself "Eh, I got this, how hard can it be to find my way home?" WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL BEING SO OPTIMISTIC??? LOL! So I start walking, and am a little lost and I decide to go back and ask for the directions again because I do NOT want to get stuck on another street like La Cienega again! Lol. So I ask two more times, and he just repeats the same vague directions. Thank god at that point his supervisor steps into the conversation and is much clearer. So I head toward the bus stop and some random black chick starts talking to me. She is very cool, and really sweet and talkative and we will really click. At this point, I wanna cling on to any hope I may have, and am violently debating in my head whether or not it would seem too creepy to ask her for her number so I can stay in contact with her, and by the time I decide I will, she gets off at her stop. Cool- Lesson learned: Don't wait, or life will pass me by. (Just FYI, I learned this lesson several more times over the course of my stay, so I think it's safe to say, I didn't ACTUALLY learn it that night with the black chick. Lol)
I finally get back to the place I'm staying, and the guy is creepy as ALL get out....he wants to fuck, and massage me (which that one, I'm actually not too against after my retardedly long day lol), and......that's right, people....HE HAD BED BUGS OOHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD!!
WHAT???
How could the situation with dude get any worse??? Oh, yeah, let's throw some bed bugs into the mix! Why not?!? GUH!
So I kinda scream and he's like "What??" and I'm like "Dude, you have BED BUGS!" And he goes on to ferociously debate it, all the while pulling out this HUGE container of bed bug spray and starts spraying all around and on the bed. Um, I'm sorry, sir, but how are you going to debate the validity of your bed bugs and then pull out a HUGE FUCKING CONTAINER of bug spray that in HUGE letters says that it is specifically designed for BED BUGS. Nothing else, JUST BED BUGS.???!!!??!?!?!?!? WHAAAATTTT????? Yeah, so eff him!
I had spotted that there was a mattress on the floor of his living room just chilling there so I said "Well, I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but would you mind if I just slept on the mattress out there?..." thinking to myself: Even if you DO mind, I'm sleeping on that fucking mattress. Why didn't you offer it to me in the first place???"
So he tries to weasle his way out, and I'm just like "Yeah, I don't mean to disrespect you at all, but I'm sleeping out there. Good night!"
OH MY GOD, RIGHT???
So, it's freezing all night. I've got no blanket with me, 'cause I assumed I'd be sleeping somewhere nicer...with less bugs and more blankets....but I'm not, so alright, I'll make the best of what I've got...I toss and turn all night and I finally get up and text James (who I was going to stay with after my stay at bedbug-mansion had ended) and asked him to please let me stay with him a couple days earlier so I could get the hell out of this place. THANK YOU, JAMES, FOR LETTING ME STAY WITH YOU A COUPLE DAYS EARLIER!!
So that afternoon, I go out on another venture into the city, for 6 more hours, walking everywhere...only this time, I created more pain for myself -- literally. I thought, "Well, I'll go out dressed up a bit, like, business casual type of clothes, so that when I go into prospective employers, I will look better than in my board shorts or cut-offs. So in this dress-nice-decision, I choose to wear my brown dress shoes. Yeah, let's just cut to the chase and say that they are not meant, whatsoever, to wear for more than maybe an hour's worth of walking. Period.
So after all my blister-creating-dress-shoe-walking comes to an end, I am in Hollywood, and it's getting dark. I'm on Santa Monica Blvd, thinking, "Well, Sheryl Crow sang about this street, so I'm sure it's one of the most used streets in Hollywood, so I'm sure a bus will come down this street pretty frequently" so I start walking toward my destination along SMB, so I'm not wasting time just sitting around. Oh my god, I see TONSSSSS of buses! Just none going my way. Oh, wait, yeah, I DID see several heading my way. You know, all the ones that said "Not In Service."
So I continue plodding along, and get into West Hollywood. Still no buses. Well, whatever, I'll just keep walking. Soon, my feet are literally killing me. They are sliced up into tiny little fragments of blisterization and hurt like hell to walk on. But at this point, seeing all the buses saying "Not In Service," I think I'm going to have to walk all the way home, so I might as well just keep walking. I mean, I'm puzzled as to why it's 9:00 and all the buses are already going back to their hub, but whatever, L.A. has been nothing like I expected at this point, so why not believe that their bus system ends at 9 PM? People everywhere do say how bad their transit system sucks. So I sigh (heavily) and continue walking. And walking. And walking. And now I cross into Beverly Hills. Always the optimistic sucker (lol), I think "Well, at least I'm in the pretty neighborhood now, and maybe I'll at least see Katherine Heigl or someone jogging past me." The trouble with BH is, well, four-fold:
First: the regular, PAVED sidewalk turns into a nice dirt pathway. It's beautiful, if it weren't for the fact that I'd been walking on blisters all day, and pretty much mashed down any sole that was left on my shoes, so I could actually feel every ROCK and aberrantly patterned grain of dirt on the path.
Second: they don't find it wise to have any ramps on their curbs at the intersections, so I have to muster every piece of un-maxed-out muscle left in my thighs (which is like, maybe .2% at this point) just to step down the curb at the intersection and then step back up on the other side.
Third: I don't see anyone remotely famous or beautiful along this pathway. Fuck Katherine Heigl. Lol.
Fourth: There are ABSOLUTELY NO bus stops along SMB once you get into BH. NONE! And it stretches forever -- using Utah as an example, just the pretty, non-bussy BH part of SMB would stretch from about 1300 S. to 2700 S.
So I think "I need to stop being optimistic and believing I can walk the rest of this like Jesus did on water and just turn back now." So I stop. And I debate. Should I give up? No, I don't give up! But, Ryan, look at the facts... No! I've ben optimistic this far along and haven't died (yet), what should stop me from continuing to be optimistic?? Ryan, look at the fucking facts. Guh, fine, I give in, I'll turn around! So I turn around. And I make it back to the edge of BH and West Hollywood (abbreviated WeHo). I sit down on the curb and start crying.
No, I didn't really start crying, it just felt like the right way to start wrapping this story up. Haha.
OMG, ALL I DO IS WRITE MOVIES IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME NOW LOL.
Anyhow, I sit down on the curb and think about crying. Lol. (Seriously) Instead, I just lay down on the grass, and go over my day. I mean, other than the blisters (that are actually STILL healing as I write this.....), the day wasn't TOO bad. And I'm sure it wasn't worse than a Mormon missionary's. So life can't be too bad if my day isn't as bad as theirs, doing what they choose to do for two full years. So I sit up, text James and ask him to do me the favor of just picking me up where I'm at, take me to bed-bug-mansion to get my stuff, and bring me back to his place, and he does.
I get home....and I think I ate? I don't know, I can't remember...If not, I must've been WAY too tired, 'cause I know my body was fiending.
Sleep could not have come soon enough.
7.02.2010
Day One: Planes, Trains and Automobiles
I can't believe I've only been here 3 days...I feel like it's already been a week!
THE FIRST DAY:
I landed (obviously lol). After collecting my bags, I called the guy with whom I'd be staying for the first couple of nights to get an address and ask if he could pick me up so I wouldn't have to find a way to lug my 3 bags and pillow all the way from LAX to Culver City...
Oh, by the way, here's a map link, in case you wanna follow my specific traveling. I don't know exactly if this will work, but if not, just go to Google Maps, type in "Los Angeles, CA" and center on the western side of LA where you will find Culver City, West Hollywood, Hollywood, Beverly Hills and LAX. Those are the only places to which I'll be traveling and thereby mentioning.
MAP!
So, I get a hold of the guy, and he's incredibly jaded (and possibly a little mentally ill?) and won't pick me up unless I pay him $50. Nice. Thank you, Capitalist Training 101. I have $240 with me for the whole 10 days, so I'm not about to blow fifty of it on a simple car ride. So, I walk outside after he chats my ear off and I come across a man who is dressed as if he works at the airport and says "You need directions to where you're going?" and I think "Oh God: thank you, you really do love me, you've directed me straight to someone who can assist me in finding my way around the city!" So I ask dude how to get to Sepulveda and Venice Blvds, and he says lost of stuff that I can't understand, and I think "OL, minus one point, God, because you gave me a slightly retarded (or homeless?) airport worker."
So after fishing out what exactly his words meant, I am still in mystery and am hoping that grace and intuition will put together his words and my circumstances in the most beneficial manner. So I start to leave with this hope in my heart and he turns and says "Now, maybe you can do something for me" and starts to tell me all about The Salvation Army or homeless youth or something charitable like that that I didn't pay attention to because I was still trying to record to my brain his previously mangled directions. And I think "Well, he told me how to take the bus all the way to Culver City for only $1. So I might as well give him a couple bucks, 'cause I'd be paying $20 for a taxi otherwise." So I do. And then I leave and find whatever bus I'm supposed to get on.
So. I get on the bus after a couple of chance mistakes, and I find my way to the apt in Culver. As I'm walking up to where I think it is at, I marvel at the beauty and cleanliness of the apt building. Then I randomly look up to my right and see the address I am looking for is actually on the building right before it -- MY address is placed on the dirty, creepy looking one. And NO JOKE, I stopped walking and looked over to the beautiful one, and then looked back up at the 2-foot address numbers staring me in the face and looked back over at the beautiful one like a puppy missing his master...and I almost continued to walk over to the beautiful complex anyhow, like I was in denial: "NO, THIS IS NOT WHERE I'M STAYING! I GET TO STAY AT THE BEAUTIFUL ONE, DAMN IT!!!" ran through my head and my body followed suit until I came back to consciousness and reluctantly turned 90 degrees to suspiciously enter the gross apt complex.
At this point, I've been traveling all afternoon, and I just wanna get my huge, heavy baggage into his place, and I look ahead of me and there's a humongous stairway to climb to 2 of the 5 apartments I see. Naturally, odds are in my favor that his apt is NOT one of the two up the stairs. So I search and search and search for the number 5 next to the doors of the apartments on the bottom. And when I can't find that this is the case, I sigh and start lugging my shit up the stairs.
So I get in, minimally set up my stuff, and meet him. And he is even more crazy and creepy in real life than over the phone. I am filled with sadness and regret. Lol. I meet a nice, VERY CUTE Polish guy that's staying there also, and I strike up some conversation before we leave in our own directions, and it reminds me of my time in Iceland and I'm in heaven momentarily. Then he says "Well, I gotta leave so I can make sure I get to Santa Monica in time" and I say "Oh, yeah, have fun!" and think "No, don't leave me alone here!!!" HAHAHA. So I decide "I'm gonna go out and search for jobs and get away from this creep-loaded area." At this point, I have not looked at any map of the city, FYI. Spoiler alert! Lesson learned: study a map of a new city before you venture into it.
I leave the house at about 2pm, and I know I have my Great Life conference call with my fellow coaches at 6:45pm. Oh, how easy! I should be able to get down to Hollywood, check out some jobs, and get back to my place so I can charge my dying phone by then, no problem! (Sarcastic spoiler alert right there...lol). So, I start walking the way I came by bus from LAX because I am under the impression that LAX is toward the center of the city, that Culver is North of LAX and that Hollywood and West Hollywood are South of LAX. This is the point at which it would have been AMAZING if I had a map -- and where I encourage you to look one up to follow me along my (fun?) adventure....
As I'm walking along Sepulveda Blvd for about an hour and a half, I start thinking "Why does everything here look so gangster, and very un-Hollywood-like?" I pass a sign from which I gleam that I am in Los Angeles proper, and think "Oh, okay, so I can't be too far from Hollywood now." Now, I've been walking for an hour and a half, and think "Okay, I've got basically no idea where I'm at, and I now have approx 3 hours to get to Hollywood and back before my call starts...maybe I should ask for directions..." so I go into a gas station and ask the desk clerk how I get to West Hollywood. He of course doesn't know (I say "of course" because SOMEHOW NONE of the gas station workers seem to know where anything is in LA, including themselves...), but thank GOD, the lady buying goods knows everything about the LA county map, lol. So she draws me a diagram in the air and basically tells me "You're almost to LAX now...which is not where you want to be" -- (GREEEEEAAATT....) -- "and you're still in Culver City, not in LA proper" -- (WHAT??? How is one dingy city so fucking big???) -- "and that it's only about twenty minutes to WeHo if I take Slauson [the street I was on at that point] to La Cienega North and then when that street splits into La Cienega and Fairfax, right after Jefferson, I continue on Fairfax and I'll be taken straight into WeHo." "AWESOME," I say. "Thank you so much for your assistance!" Twenty minutes, with all those directions, sounds a little short, but then again, I have the mindset that the LA area is not sprawling at all. Yeah, all I can say is hindsight is 20/20.
So, I'm walkin' down Slauson, groovin' to my iPod, excited that I only have 20 minutes to WeHo, so I'll for sure make it back in time to charge my phone and ascertain the conference call number and access code I'll need. As I approach La Cienega, I notice it looks kinda like an aqueduct, I think they're called?...the thing that the "good guys" and the bad guys" raced the cars through in Grease...it looks like one of those that was refurbished into a freeway system. And it doesn't seem to have much sidewalk. But why would this lady recommend that I walk down a street that has no sidewalks?? SHE can't be crazy too, she seemed so normal! And then I remember: "It'll only take twenty minutes if you follow these directions" and it's been about 10 and I'm just barely turning onto La Cienega. So, naturally, I ignore my intuition that says "Hey, you retard, she was under the impression that you were driving and not walking!!" and my optimistic Ryan thinks "Yeah, but I'm sure there's a sidewalk somewhere on this road. I mean, it is a road, after all." So with that, I groove myself down the on-ramp onto the street...disregarding that I'm walking down an ON-RAMP, meaning it's probably a fucking freeway...
And I plug on.
All of a sudden the shoulder ends...and the sides are covered by bushes...leaving my only option as walking on the very side of the lane, hugging the bushes...so I don't get killed by 60-mph drivers. I walk, and walk, and walk, still optimistically under the impression that this road will come to an end soon. And it doesn't. So at this point, it's like, 430 or 5, and I think "I am fucked. Please give me a long enough charge on my phone to hold for the entire conference call. And please let me get off this long freeway soon enough...and please don't let me die here while I'm trying to accomplish those other two things..."
TO BE CONTINUED...
THE FIRST DAY:
I landed (obviously lol). After collecting my bags, I called the guy with whom I'd be staying for the first couple of nights to get an address and ask if he could pick me up so I wouldn't have to find a way to lug my 3 bags and pillow all the way from LAX to Culver City...
Oh, by the way, here's a map link, in case you wanna follow my specific traveling. I don't know exactly if this will work, but if not, just go to Google Maps, type in "Los Angeles, CA" and center on the western side of LA where you will find Culver City, West Hollywood, Hollywood, Beverly Hills and LAX. Those are the only places to which I'll be traveling and thereby mentioning.
MAP!
So, I get a hold of the guy, and he's incredibly jaded (and possibly a little mentally ill?) and won't pick me up unless I pay him $50. Nice. Thank you, Capitalist Training 101. I have $240 with me for the whole 10 days, so I'm not about to blow fifty of it on a simple car ride. So, I walk outside after he chats my ear off and I come across a man who is dressed as if he works at the airport and says "You need directions to where you're going?" and I think "Oh God: thank you, you really do love me, you've directed me straight to someone who can assist me in finding my way around the city!" So I ask dude how to get to Sepulveda and Venice Blvds, and he says lost of stuff that I can't understand, and I think "OL, minus one point, God, because you gave me a slightly retarded (or homeless?) airport worker."
So after fishing out what exactly his words meant, I am still in mystery and am hoping that grace and intuition will put together his words and my circumstances in the most beneficial manner. So I start to leave with this hope in my heart and he turns and says "Now, maybe you can do something for me" and starts to tell me all about The Salvation Army or homeless youth or something charitable like that that I didn't pay attention to because I was still trying to record to my brain his previously mangled directions. And I think "Well, he told me how to take the bus all the way to Culver City for only $1. So I might as well give him a couple bucks, 'cause I'd be paying $20 for a taxi otherwise." So I do. And then I leave and find whatever bus I'm supposed to get on.
So. I get on the bus after a couple of chance mistakes, and I find my way to the apt in Culver. As I'm walking up to where I think it is at, I marvel at the beauty and cleanliness of the apt building. Then I randomly look up to my right and see the address I am looking for is actually on the building right before it -- MY address is placed on the dirty, creepy looking one. And NO JOKE, I stopped walking and looked over to the beautiful one, and then looked back up at the 2-foot address numbers staring me in the face and looked back over at the beautiful one like a puppy missing his master...and I almost continued to walk over to the beautiful complex anyhow, like I was in denial: "NO, THIS IS NOT WHERE I'M STAYING! I GET TO STAY AT THE BEAUTIFUL ONE, DAMN IT!!!" ran through my head and my body followed suit until I came back to consciousness and reluctantly turned 90 degrees to suspiciously enter the gross apt complex.
At this point, I've been traveling all afternoon, and I just wanna get my huge, heavy baggage into his place, and I look ahead of me and there's a humongous stairway to climb to 2 of the 5 apartments I see. Naturally, odds are in my favor that his apt is NOT one of the two up the stairs. So I search and search and search for the number 5 next to the doors of the apartments on the bottom. And when I can't find that this is the case, I sigh and start lugging my shit up the stairs.
So I get in, minimally set up my stuff, and meet him. And he is even more crazy and creepy in real life than over the phone. I am filled with sadness and regret. Lol. I meet a nice, VERY CUTE Polish guy that's staying there also, and I strike up some conversation before we leave in our own directions, and it reminds me of my time in Iceland and I'm in heaven momentarily. Then he says "Well, I gotta leave so I can make sure I get to Santa Monica in time" and I say "Oh, yeah, have fun!" and think "No, don't leave me alone here!!!" HAHAHA. So I decide "I'm gonna go out and search for jobs and get away from this creep-loaded area." At this point, I have not looked at any map of the city, FYI. Spoiler alert! Lesson learned: study a map of a new city before you venture into it.
I leave the house at about 2pm, and I know I have my Great Life conference call with my fellow coaches at 6:45pm. Oh, how easy! I should be able to get down to Hollywood, check out some jobs, and get back to my place so I can charge my dying phone by then, no problem! (Sarcastic spoiler alert right there...lol). So, I start walking the way I came by bus from LAX because I am under the impression that LAX is toward the center of the city, that Culver is North of LAX and that Hollywood and West Hollywood are South of LAX. This is the point at which it would have been AMAZING if I had a map -- and where I encourage you to look one up to follow me along my (fun?) adventure....
As I'm walking along Sepulveda Blvd for about an hour and a half, I start thinking "Why does everything here look so gangster, and very un-Hollywood-like?" I pass a sign from which I gleam that I am in Los Angeles proper, and think "Oh, okay, so I can't be too far from Hollywood now." Now, I've been walking for an hour and a half, and think "Okay, I've got basically no idea where I'm at, and I now have approx 3 hours to get to Hollywood and back before my call starts...maybe I should ask for directions..." so I go into a gas station and ask the desk clerk how I get to West Hollywood. He of course doesn't know (I say "of course" because SOMEHOW NONE of the gas station workers seem to know where anything is in LA, including themselves...), but thank GOD, the lady buying goods knows everything about the LA county map, lol. So she draws me a diagram in the air and basically tells me "You're almost to LAX now...which is not where you want to be" -- (GREEEEEAAATT....) -- "and you're still in Culver City, not in LA proper" -- (WHAT??? How is one dingy city so fucking big???) -- "and that it's only about twenty minutes to WeHo if I take Slauson [the street I was on at that point] to La Cienega North and then when that street splits into La Cienega and Fairfax, right after Jefferson, I continue on Fairfax and I'll be taken straight into WeHo." "AWESOME," I say. "Thank you so much for your assistance!" Twenty minutes, with all those directions, sounds a little short, but then again, I have the mindset that the LA area is not sprawling at all. Yeah, all I can say is hindsight is 20/20.
So, I'm walkin' down Slauson, groovin' to my iPod, excited that I only have 20 minutes to WeHo, so I'll for sure make it back in time to charge my phone and ascertain the conference call number and access code I'll need. As I approach La Cienega, I notice it looks kinda like an aqueduct, I think they're called?...the thing that the "good guys" and the bad guys" raced the cars through in Grease...it looks like one of those that was refurbished into a freeway system. And it doesn't seem to have much sidewalk. But why would this lady recommend that I walk down a street that has no sidewalks?? SHE can't be crazy too, she seemed so normal! And then I remember: "It'll only take twenty minutes if you follow these directions" and it's been about 10 and I'm just barely turning onto La Cienega. So, naturally, I ignore my intuition that says "Hey, you retard, she was under the impression that you were driving and not walking!!" and my optimistic Ryan thinks "Yeah, but I'm sure there's a sidewalk somewhere on this road. I mean, it is a road, after all." So with that, I groove myself down the on-ramp onto the street...disregarding that I'm walking down an ON-RAMP, meaning it's probably a fucking freeway...
And I plug on.
All of a sudden the shoulder ends...and the sides are covered by bushes...leaving my only option as walking on the very side of the lane, hugging the bushes...so I don't get killed by 60-mph drivers. I walk, and walk, and walk, still optimistically under the impression that this road will come to an end soon. And it doesn't. So at this point, it's like, 430 or 5, and I think "I am fucked. Please give me a long enough charge on my phone to hold for the entire conference call. And please let me get off this long freeway soon enough...and please don't let me die here while I'm trying to accomplish those other two things..."
TO BE CONTINUED...
5.09.2010
Greatness/Shadow
K, so this weekend, I learned something great about myself. I have no self worth when I choose to not have it, and I have a lot of self-worth when I choose to have it. Additionally, I realized why I would want to choose to have self-worth.
For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.
So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)
I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!
So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.
So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.
So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.
I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.
That is all for now.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
For a long time, I've thought of myself as undeserving of worth. I've thought "Well, I'm not very special...I just am who I am." So when I would excel at something, I didn't add that to my self-worth, I just thought it is what it is. And I never really noticed that I had no self-worth...I never conceptualized it as something important within me that I may actually need...I always just thought we had some or we didn't, and I didn't know how to figure out that I didn't have any. But recently, I realized that I never gave myself any credit or esteem.
So now that I see that, I have been looking at how I can create it within me, and I am having a freaking BLAST doing so :) I feel like a total Master of the Universe creating everything about me that is cool and spectacular and outstandingly, inordinately beautiful :)
I'm being accountable, I'm being forward-moving, I'm being clear, I'm being compassionate, I'm being kind, I'm being generous, I'm being loving, I'm being confident, I'm being powerful, and I'm being peaceful, and it feels fabulous!
So I recognize that I hated myself and I am hella excited now that I love myself. Haha. And it was all just based in one simple decision. Option A or Option B.
So, one thing I am creating for myself, as I'm sure my readers are aware, is my TV show for the Discovery Channel. I have decided I get to get footage in the following locations: Blanding, Utah; India; Los Angeles or San Luis Obispo, California; and Hawai'i. And I've started an Accountability Group with a few friends such that we can be powerful and clear with one another in order to support each other in obtaining our life visions. We met for our first meeting today and I had a great time...I really enjoyed our time together, and it just feels right.
So what I got clear on was what I get to create to go to those four places to shoot footage and enjoy myself: Food money for 2 weeks in Hawai'i; approximately $4,000 to travel to and from India, and enjoy myself there for a month; gas money to get down to Blanding; clarity regarding whether I want to be in LA or SLO; and then travel money to get to my chosen California locale. I also get to enroll my friend Jonathan to commit to me to travel with me and shoot me. Additionally, I get to construct the format for the shows and write some material with which to work.
I also committed to myself to sculpt my body and physical form. I committed to put my body into its peak-performance-ness, which involves a lot of Cardio and Yoga. I committed to actually do my P90x program instead of talking or pretending or thinking about it. What I realized regarding my (lack of) motivation is that it is a pride thing. Hence the title: Greatness/Shadow.....A tree grows within me, signifying my duality. The greatness that the tree demonstrates is pride and self-worth; the shadow that it casts is self-deprecation and lack of self-worth. Today I learned this and learned to apply it to motivate myself: I want to finally achieve something I told myself and others I would do. So I will be doing my P90X CDs every day by 11 am until August 8th when I complete the program, and will end up creating my TV show soon, such that I have things in my life that I can tell myself I am proud of creating.
That is all for now.
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
4.10.2010
Where IS Wyan??
You may be wondering who Wyan is. You may not be. Who knows. HOWEVER, no matter how much you know about Wyan, you can learn more about him here:
http://whereswyan.blogspot.com/
Definitely check this out, you will be very glad you did. :)
http://whereswyan.blogspot.com/
Definitely check this out, you will be very glad you did. :)
4.08.2010
It's The Journey, Not The Destination
I’ve lived my whole life really easily. I’ve become comfortable with not trying. Life always came REALLY REALLY easily in all aspects. I was brilliant, a prodigy, so I never had to work to achieve any greatness or substance throughout school. The quintessential reference I use is when I was a freshman in college and never went to my Environmental Science class, because it was too early in the morning for my lazy ass, but I would ace every single test without studying or coming to class or anything, Even though that was the subject I knew least about, I always aced the tests because somehow the information just came to me, it was just there and it all made sense. I’d be one of the first three done with every test I took and I’d leave the class and go hang out at my friend’s dorms and surf the internet and just chill. Really, it was a great time, other than the random bouts of guilt I felt.
Throughout my life, even well past childhood, I got basically whatever I wanted, served to me on a platter. It’s not that I was a spoiled kid, and I was not bratty in the least. My parents had taught me to be polite and humble and respect that which I was given, and because I was the baby and the only boy, my parents would just give me everything in the world. I wouldn’t ask for it, I wouldn’t cry about it, and I mean, there are some things that I wanted that I never got, but overall I got basically whatever I wanted, and was treated as if I deserved the world. It was a great upbringing. Even after the divorce, I still got a lot…my mom felt like it would keep us happy and feeling normal and keep us from hating our lives and keep us together as a family if we went on a bunch of vacations, so my teens were filled with vacations to amazing places at least once a year. I mean, what 12-year-old can say that two years prior, his father had rocked our world by leaving us, thus taking away about two-thirds of the income, and now he was going to Hawai’i and staying in a $500-a-night beachside resort, followed the next year by heading to Florida and cruising to Key West (where his mom bought him an indigenous-style tribal mask that cost $125) and then to Cozumel, Mexico – a location that most adults have always wanted to visit yet never have? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had a very privileged childhood, but I never felt I deserved any of it.
As a child, I was always surprised when I received things because I never had any forethought that I “deserved” those things, or that I “should” have things, so I never tacked onto those items the belief that I was more worthy than others for receiving the items. Conversely, after my parents divorced, my soul spiraled to utter death and I tacked onto EVERYthing that it meant that I didn’t deserve love and that I wasn’t worthy of ANYthing. Spending a dream-week in Hawai’i wouldn’t change that. Spending a week cruising the West Caribbean wouldn’t change that. Being given the gift from my family of flying alone to Missouri to meet up with them instead of having to fly out earlier with them and miss a play I was supposed to be in didn’t change that belief. Additionally, within the span of ten years of my childhood (a liberal allotment for the purposes of this post), traveling to Illinois (at least once every year or two), Jackson Hole and Yellowstone a couple times, Montana, Idaho, California (at least once or twice a year), Arizona a few times, Wyoming, Kansas several times, Nebraska, Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Mexico, Florida and Vegas a few times never changed that. Cruising from L.A. to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas didn’t change it. Borrowing my dad’s truck with 3 of my friends and going on a Senior Trip to San Francisco, spending all my money on beautiful clothes and hanging out on the piers, visiting Angel Island and Alcatraz and living it up, three teenagers running amok in Frisco didn’t change any beliefs I held.
The next year, when I road tripped with a friend to San Francisco, Vegas, L.A. – where her rich aunt put us up in the nicest hotel in the city for free so we wouldn’t have to sleep in the car or a hostel – and then, after calling my dad and asking him to wire us a couple hundred more dollars so we could continue our vacation, stopped into Phoenix to visit another friend before all three of us then headed to Puerto Penasco in Baja California, Mexico to spend a weekend for free in the Phoenix friend’s boyfriend’s multi-million-dollar BEACHSIDE CONDO with a rainforest shower right outside the back door and prime access to the beach just by exiting the back door didn’t even prove those “I’m irreparably broken and unworthy” beliefs to be wrong. Hell, even just recently, the five amazing, basically free days I spent in Cabo barely changed any of those beliefs! Even going to Vegas with my best friend and receiving everything down there for free, including several hundred dollars to gamble with, $250 in beautiful Armani Exchange clothing and even the tattoos on my wrists – which so deeply define me as a spirit in this secular world – didn’t remove my limiting beliefs.
One belief I carried around to define and make sense of most of these events remained: that these were all just things I had to do, as part of the family, or as a good friend, or just because the vacation was something I decided to do in my life, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me special. Over the last thirteen years, who else could go on forty-four vacations personally costing me under probably two or three grand TOTAL and still hold the belief that life is ordinary and plain and that I don’t deserve anything and that I had such a terrible childhood?? And that’s really only the vacations that came easily to my mind…there were others I’m remembering even now that I went on with my dad and his new family throughout those years… On the conservative estimate, that’s one vacation every 4 months, if not more often, for thirteen years straight, each one averaging me ONLY $45-$100. And they were never run-of-the-mill vacations, either. They were fabulous vacations that would make most any other person incredibly jealous and excited.
When I went to Iceland, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else, really for one reason only. I felt like it was something normal, so I didn’t know how to convey to others how amazing it in fact was. Everyone asked me when I returned “Wow, how was that??” with such eager anticipation and I killed it with “Yeah, it was pretty superb/amazing/wonderful.” I could see the excited look in their face just sit there waiting for more detail about exactly just how unique and special it was, and I could find no words to say…in my eyes, it felt special (a little), but it seemed so run-of-the-mill to me…I mean, it’s Iceland for god sake! That is not a run-of-the-mill locale, but it felt like it to me because I took it for granted so quickly. Right now, I’m planning my year out, and I plan to head to Pismo Beach, India, and back to Iceland and I’m not incredibly inspired by it…not as much as I think I should be, at least. When people learn my plans to visit India, they inquire “Wow, what for!? How amazing would that be??” and my only reply is “Yeah. I mean, I haven’t experienced it, so I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be pretty awesome.”
And truthfully, part of me is nervous I’ll spend the thousand to fly there and totally not enjoy it. And I think that is why part of me is putting off earning the money to go. I have a virtually perfect setup: I have a continuous temporary job that expires the last week of May (right before my lease ends and right before I want to head out to Pismo) that will earn me almost enough to visit Pismo and India, and I just got hired on with the text-answer service ChaCha, which will provide me with probably an extra $300 a month while I’m still in the states, as well as once I’m overseas, and I am sabotaging it already. I can only assume I am because I’m apprehensive about not enjoying India, so instead of potentially waste the money, I’d rather just fuck myself over so I can’t go in the first place. But why?? Because if I go, and I spend all that money, and I don’t like it, then not only will I be out the money that I spent time saving up, but even deeper, I’ll be wrong, and I’ll have to deal with telling everyone that I didn’t really enjoy it, and see their faces sink once again. Just in this one sentence, I have made up so many stories that go very deep and completely run my life if I don’t stay aware of them…think about how many other stories I and we all create for the REST of our lives…
First off: I don’t HAVE to tell anyone anything about my trip. Well, actually, that should be at least second…let’s go a little further back…first off, I don’t have to retain the belief around money that I currently have, which is that I have to work, doing something I hate to receive any of it, especially any amount in excess. So far, I have not had ANY experience otherwise. I wish I could break through that belief because it limits me so heavily…I’d say it is the belief I have that most limits my life and my expression of myself. Oh my God, I could go so deep with this one…and even though it’s way too late, I am going to, because right now is the time, I feel it…Maybe it limits me from expressing my true self most because it is the challenge that I need to face in order to express myself freely, and once I truly do that, especially on a consistent basis, then I will break that limit…it’s not about the barrier being broken (or me waiting for the barrier to be removed for me) in order for me to be free; it is that being free breaks the barrier. But I have lost myself and felt identity-less for so long that I don’t know what aspect of me is the “right” aspect to express freely. And I don’t want to hurt people by expressing myself how I want and then later learning that that was a juvenile part of me and as I mature and find my true self I find something else in me that is the “actual me” and I’m not believed because I cried wolf in a sense by expressing something else totally different, and branding myself in a totally different way. I wonder who else and how many others think of expressing themselves as branding themselves. My mindset is SO businessman, it’s freakin’ crazy. Probably literally. If only I could execute, I would be the perfect businessman or business partner.
Maybe I will learn to execute by being Myself. By ascertaining the real Me, and creating routines around that Me in order to procure a stable and consistent Me then I will be able to learn how to execute in a business manner as well. Now I feel almost complete…The things I want to do most in the world are: to learn how to execute efficiently and create immense value in this world (financially); to learn how to SCUBA dive, surf, dance ballet professionally, and play the piano; to go skydiving; to get fit and FINE and go out to a sexy gay club and “superparty it up” as I like to call it and have gorgeous sweaty men all over me and glitter and confetti falling all around us have the time of my life ALL THE TIME; and to be a leader, evolver and mover-and-shaker in politics, specifically in the gay movement, beginning at the regional level, then moving up to the state level, then moving up to the national level and then enjoying the international arena. With all of that accomplished, I would feel I’d lived a truly full and successful life, and would know that there was much more incredible life to come. I’m beginning this by fully quitting smoking cold turkey and implementing P90X again in my life. I have created systems to assist me in really achieving these goals: Creating sheets to hang up on my bedroom wall where I can mark off how many days I’ve been free of nicotine and how many days I’ve exercised with P90X that basically congratulate me for doing both those things, as well as hanging up lighters around my room that have a paper taped to them that says “NO!!” in bold lettering, so that it reminds me that even picking up any part of the habit is something I’ve committed to myself that I never want to do. Additionally, I’ve planned my schedule out such that I create a routine that works for me in that I wake up every morning between 5 and 5:30 (based on that day’s events) and workout for an hour and get everything ready first thing of the day, before I even go to work so that I’m in a routine mindset where working out comes first no matter what, and so I’m always energized for the day before I head to work, thereby starting my day off with MUCH more clarity and peace of mind.
Hmm, I feel like there’s a sliver more somewhere in me, but I can’t immediately find it and I’d rather get a decent amount of sleep tonight than stay up for hours searching for it…and after getting all of that out, I can finally get to sleep anyhow, haha. So good night, thanks for listening, and I truly hope this inspired you somewhere in your life…somewhere deep. I know it did for me.
Peace and Love, Blog Buddies
Upcoming blogs to look forward to this week:
“A Letter To My Body,” “How Kindness Has Affected My Life” and “My Calm and Rational But Nowhere Near P.C. Beliefs About Religion” – Enjoy!
Throughout my life, even well past childhood, I got basically whatever I wanted, served to me on a platter. It’s not that I was a spoiled kid, and I was not bratty in the least. My parents had taught me to be polite and humble and respect that which I was given, and because I was the baby and the only boy, my parents would just give me everything in the world. I wouldn’t ask for it, I wouldn’t cry about it, and I mean, there are some things that I wanted that I never got, but overall I got basically whatever I wanted, and was treated as if I deserved the world. It was a great upbringing. Even after the divorce, I still got a lot…my mom felt like it would keep us happy and feeling normal and keep us from hating our lives and keep us together as a family if we went on a bunch of vacations, so my teens were filled with vacations to amazing places at least once a year. I mean, what 12-year-old can say that two years prior, his father had rocked our world by leaving us, thus taking away about two-thirds of the income, and now he was going to Hawai’i and staying in a $500-a-night beachside resort, followed the next year by heading to Florida and cruising to Key West (where his mom bought him an indigenous-style tribal mask that cost $125) and then to Cozumel, Mexico – a location that most adults have always wanted to visit yet never have? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I had a very privileged childhood, but I never felt I deserved any of it.
As a child, I was always surprised when I received things because I never had any forethought that I “deserved” those things, or that I “should” have things, so I never tacked onto those items the belief that I was more worthy than others for receiving the items. Conversely, after my parents divorced, my soul spiraled to utter death and I tacked onto EVERYthing that it meant that I didn’t deserve love and that I wasn’t worthy of ANYthing. Spending a dream-week in Hawai’i wouldn’t change that. Spending a week cruising the West Caribbean wouldn’t change that. Being given the gift from my family of flying alone to Missouri to meet up with them instead of having to fly out earlier with them and miss a play I was supposed to be in didn’t change that belief. Additionally, within the span of ten years of my childhood (a liberal allotment for the purposes of this post), traveling to Illinois (at least once every year or two), Jackson Hole and Yellowstone a couple times, Montana, Idaho, California (at least once or twice a year), Arizona a few times, Wyoming, Kansas several times, Nebraska, Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Mexico, Florida and Vegas a few times never changed that. Cruising from L.A. to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas didn’t change it. Borrowing my dad’s truck with 3 of my friends and going on a Senior Trip to San Francisco, spending all my money on beautiful clothes and hanging out on the piers, visiting Angel Island and Alcatraz and living it up, three teenagers running amok in Frisco didn’t change any beliefs I held.
The next year, when I road tripped with a friend to San Francisco, Vegas, L.A. – where her rich aunt put us up in the nicest hotel in the city for free so we wouldn’t have to sleep in the car or a hostel – and then, after calling my dad and asking him to wire us a couple hundred more dollars so we could continue our vacation, stopped into Phoenix to visit another friend before all three of us then headed to Puerto Penasco in Baja California, Mexico to spend a weekend for free in the Phoenix friend’s boyfriend’s multi-million-dollar BEACHSIDE CONDO with a rainforest shower right outside the back door and prime access to the beach just by exiting the back door didn’t even prove those “I’m irreparably broken and unworthy” beliefs to be wrong. Hell, even just recently, the five amazing, basically free days I spent in Cabo barely changed any of those beliefs! Even going to Vegas with my best friend and receiving everything down there for free, including several hundred dollars to gamble with, $250 in beautiful Armani Exchange clothing and even the tattoos on my wrists – which so deeply define me as a spirit in this secular world – didn’t remove my limiting beliefs.
One belief I carried around to define and make sense of most of these events remained: that these were all just things I had to do, as part of the family, or as a good friend, or just because the vacation was something I decided to do in my life, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me special. Over the last thirteen years, who else could go on forty-four vacations personally costing me under probably two or three grand TOTAL and still hold the belief that life is ordinary and plain and that I don’t deserve anything and that I had such a terrible childhood?? And that’s really only the vacations that came easily to my mind…there were others I’m remembering even now that I went on with my dad and his new family throughout those years… On the conservative estimate, that’s one vacation every 4 months, if not more often, for thirteen years straight, each one averaging me ONLY $45-$100. And they were never run-of-the-mill vacations, either. They were fabulous vacations that would make most any other person incredibly jealous and excited.
When I went to Iceland, I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else, really for one reason only. I felt like it was something normal, so I didn’t know how to convey to others how amazing it in fact was. Everyone asked me when I returned “Wow, how was that??” with such eager anticipation and I killed it with “Yeah, it was pretty superb/amazing/wonderful.” I could see the excited look in their face just sit there waiting for more detail about exactly just how unique and special it was, and I could find no words to say…in my eyes, it felt special (a little), but it seemed so run-of-the-mill to me…I mean, it’s Iceland for god sake! That is not a run-of-the-mill locale, but it felt like it to me because I took it for granted so quickly. Right now, I’m planning my year out, and I plan to head to Pismo Beach, India, and back to Iceland and I’m not incredibly inspired by it…not as much as I think I should be, at least. When people learn my plans to visit India, they inquire “Wow, what for!? How amazing would that be??” and my only reply is “Yeah. I mean, I haven’t experienced it, so I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be pretty awesome.”
And truthfully, part of me is nervous I’ll spend the thousand to fly there and totally not enjoy it. And I think that is why part of me is putting off earning the money to go. I have a virtually perfect setup: I have a continuous temporary job that expires the last week of May (right before my lease ends and right before I want to head out to Pismo) that will earn me almost enough to visit Pismo and India, and I just got hired on with the text-answer service ChaCha, which will provide me with probably an extra $300 a month while I’m still in the states, as well as once I’m overseas, and I am sabotaging it already. I can only assume I am because I’m apprehensive about not enjoying India, so instead of potentially waste the money, I’d rather just fuck myself over so I can’t go in the first place. But why?? Because if I go, and I spend all that money, and I don’t like it, then not only will I be out the money that I spent time saving up, but even deeper, I’ll be wrong, and I’ll have to deal with telling everyone that I didn’t really enjoy it, and see their faces sink once again. Just in this one sentence, I have made up so many stories that go very deep and completely run my life if I don’t stay aware of them…think about how many other stories I and we all create for the REST of our lives…
First off: I don’t HAVE to tell anyone anything about my trip. Well, actually, that should be at least second…let’s go a little further back…first off, I don’t have to retain the belief around money that I currently have, which is that I have to work, doing something I hate to receive any of it, especially any amount in excess. So far, I have not had ANY experience otherwise. I wish I could break through that belief because it limits me so heavily…I’d say it is the belief I have that most limits my life and my expression of myself. Oh my God, I could go so deep with this one…and even though it’s way too late, I am going to, because right now is the time, I feel it…Maybe it limits me from expressing my true self most because it is the challenge that I need to face in order to express myself freely, and once I truly do that, especially on a consistent basis, then I will break that limit…it’s not about the barrier being broken (or me waiting for the barrier to be removed for me) in order for me to be free; it is that being free breaks the barrier. But I have lost myself and felt identity-less for so long that I don’t know what aspect of me is the “right” aspect to express freely. And I don’t want to hurt people by expressing myself how I want and then later learning that that was a juvenile part of me and as I mature and find my true self I find something else in me that is the “actual me” and I’m not believed because I cried wolf in a sense by expressing something else totally different, and branding myself in a totally different way. I wonder who else and how many others think of expressing themselves as branding themselves. My mindset is SO businessman, it’s freakin’ crazy. Probably literally. If only I could execute, I would be the perfect businessman or business partner.
Maybe I will learn to execute by being Myself. By ascertaining the real Me, and creating routines around that Me in order to procure a stable and consistent Me then I will be able to learn how to execute in a business manner as well. Now I feel almost complete…The things I want to do most in the world are: to learn how to execute efficiently and create immense value in this world (financially); to learn how to SCUBA dive, surf, dance ballet professionally, and play the piano; to go skydiving; to get fit and FINE and go out to a sexy gay club and “superparty it up” as I like to call it and have gorgeous sweaty men all over me and glitter and confetti falling all around us have the time of my life ALL THE TIME; and to be a leader, evolver and mover-and-shaker in politics, specifically in the gay movement, beginning at the regional level, then moving up to the state level, then moving up to the national level and then enjoying the international arena. With all of that accomplished, I would feel I’d lived a truly full and successful life, and would know that there was much more incredible life to come. I’m beginning this by fully quitting smoking cold turkey and implementing P90X again in my life. I have created systems to assist me in really achieving these goals: Creating sheets to hang up on my bedroom wall where I can mark off how many days I’ve been free of nicotine and how many days I’ve exercised with P90X that basically congratulate me for doing both those things, as well as hanging up lighters around my room that have a paper taped to them that says “NO!!” in bold lettering, so that it reminds me that even picking up any part of the habit is something I’ve committed to myself that I never want to do. Additionally, I’ve planned my schedule out such that I create a routine that works for me in that I wake up every morning between 5 and 5:30 (based on that day’s events) and workout for an hour and get everything ready first thing of the day, before I even go to work so that I’m in a routine mindset where working out comes first no matter what, and so I’m always energized for the day before I head to work, thereby starting my day off with MUCH more clarity and peace of mind.
Hmm, I feel like there’s a sliver more somewhere in me, but I can’t immediately find it and I’d rather get a decent amount of sleep tonight than stay up for hours searching for it…and after getting all of that out, I can finally get to sleep anyhow, haha. So good night, thanks for listening, and I truly hope this inspired you somewhere in your life…somewhere deep. I know it did for me.
Peace and Love, Blog Buddies
Upcoming blogs to look forward to this week:
“A Letter To My Body,” “How Kindness Has Affected My Life” and “My Calm and Rational But Nowhere Near P.C. Beliefs About Religion” – Enjoy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)