One-Two-Step

I get in my way, I step in front of myself in my path because I don't fully believe (yet) that I deserve to walk my path. That is only ever the impediment to my success. And I would wage that it is that simple for us all.

For instance, I went to the club the other day, met up with a friend, danced with him for a while and made out with him, and then afterward, I danced with and got to know his incredibly hot friend. At the end of the night, I was standing outside of the club with some friends, and I had two guys come up to me and hit on me and ask for my number and all that. Now, I'm not kidding you with this, this all happened, but the clincher of it all is that I chose to deny myself afterward instead of celebrate myself. I went looking HARDCORE for how I could prove that none of it ever happened. Seriously...'cause I wanted to prove to myself that no man that I find attractive, or of any quality, would actually be attracted to me.....and simply because that's what I've been used to telling myself over the last few years.

Second example: This weekend, I seriously considered moving back to Utah. I knew I didn't want to be in Utah, but I started second-guessing myself and stacking up an immense amount of negative thoughts against myself, and rationalized that going back to Utah was the mature thing to do, and that I could restart my life there, and be a big fish in a small pond instead of a small fish in a HUGE pond. Thankfully, Zeb Knudsen bitch-smacked me into realizing that I've been here, like a week or two or something (and I've been up in Utah or Vegas for like, 5 of those days even), and that I need to lighten up....I feel like a failure down here, as well I should, so I get that out of the way! :) And I feel rejuvenated after this weekend. I feel like I truly did get out of my way the "failure" concept and now I am ready to be a "creator" again (as GL terms it). I've known it was time for me to stop being victim to some shitty circumstances I had going on, and it took some tough-love from a friend to really push through it. So, Zeb, if you're reading this, thank you. You may not really know how much you impacted me in those approx ten minutes you took out of your day to chat with and care about me. Thank you.

"The search ends here where the night is totally clear, when you finally know that though you control where you go, you can't steer."
--Missy Higgins, from her song "Steer" on the album "On A Clear Night"