Perfection: A Choice

As I read a friend's blog today, I thought about all the things I say "I'm not enough" for. Just last night I was texting a friend and when she asked me what stops me from loving and accepting my body, I told her all of them. I think there were about 7 in all. And that was just for my body -- this mortal casing! I read through the comments on that friend's blog and people were listing all the ways in which they believe they are not enough for something. I came across one that said "I am not athletic enough to do cross-country" and immediately I thought "Well, that's silly! Part of participating in a sport is learning it (in my beliefs)!" So that person is perfectly enough to do cross-country, as they will learn along the way the best ways in which to stay in shape to continue successfully doing cross-country.

Then my thoughts refocused on me -- every time I look at my P90X CDs, I think "I am not athletic enough." YES!! The VERY SAME thought!! LOL. Well, doing P90X is not about being in perfect form...it is about GETTING in perfect form. And how will I do that if I continue to believe I am not ready to do it?? If I were not ready to do it, I would not own it. And I own it, which is me telling myself that I am ready to tackle my body issues. And now, having shifted my perspective to that, I am PUMPED to take on P90X! Crazy how a simple shift can change so much.

How do you believe you are not enough? Please, comment below with those beliefs. And then question them. You ARE perfect enough in every moment, so WHY do you believe you are not enough, in those specific ways? Because we are all imperfect enough in our own heads and perfect enough in our hearts.

One-Third Imperfection

I am afraid of people’s judgments. I have always known that I can be whatever I want to be, and I can do whatever I want to do, literally, ANYthing. I can pretty easily master anything as long as I put some effort into it. And I’ve forgotten that for a while. I’ve let my fear of how people will judge me get in my way of being truly who I am, and who I deserve to let the world see.

In my mind, I was absolutely perfect until I was 18. Yes, I know I’ve made mistakes, especially during my teen years, but I’d never viewed myself as a failure, or having failed. Then I turned 18, I realized I was gay, came out and I felt the weight of all my failures fall on top of me. I made a conscious choice to be a more authentic me and I felt crash on me all the blows to my perfection that I had longed pushed aside. At least, this is my theory. All I know is that at age 18, I started hating myself and believing myself to be one giant failure, and that coincides with the age I went to college and the age I came out.

I’ve wasted the last seven and a half years (one-third) of my life wallowing in my failures one at a time, accumulating interest as I went, and by this I have suffocated myself. I can very well coach others to break out of what they let suffocate them, and am just barely recognizing this about myself. To me that is ironic. An ironic blessing, I guess.

Tonight, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel like the bag is off my head, just that I’ve loosened my grip on it. I do not now feel like I am perfect in the manner I did before, but I know that I love myself, and I feel like I am able to make some headway on the last seven and a half years of my life. I can’t relive them, and I can’t change them, but I CAN change the route down which I am driving. I can change the little voices that are whispering to me from ones of judgment, guilt, lies, hatred and fear to ones of love, self-promotion, encouragement and truth.

So that’s where I’m going to start. Please join me along this journey.

I love you.

Ry