Band Of Brothers

I am staffing Part One this week. I haven't staffed a Part One for probably about a year or so, so I know there is value for me there, and I will be discovering it this week. And I will be letting you in on what I learn, virtually in real-time. I will be blogging every night what I learned from that day staffing. I'm already processing judgments, ego, and depression -- and it hasn't even started yet -- so I know this is gonna be good!

I have, for the last 3+ years that I've been a Great Lifer, held huge judgments against Brett, the trainer. I have morphed them as I've gone along, as he has provided ample fodder and I have desired to make my separation from him more and more apparent along the way. I started to unravel my judgments against him a couple months ago. Since then, I've felt freer, which is nice. Last week (before I knew I'd be staffing Part One, lol!), I sent him a message on Facebook telling him that I've harbored judgments against him for this long, and that I am consciously working to unravel and sedate them. I don't know why. I think I wanted him to know so he could assist me in unraveling them, but no matter what, it's really my job in the end. So I will notice this week exactly what judgments I still have against him, why I have them, and why I choose to no longer hold on to them and cause myself stress, guilt, pain and loss.

For some reason, my name change has caused massive wakes with other people. I don't get it AT ALL. It has nothing to do with anyone else's life, it is completely my choice, and my being, yet EVERYONE ELSE seems to have an issue with it, as if it actually affected their life more than just changing what they've memorized my label to be. I really, really, reaaaaaaalllllly don't get it. And no one will enlighten me. No one will go deep enough to tell me why it could possibly bother them. No one has had the courage. And, frankly, it fucking pisses me off.

Today, I called Great Life at about 1:00. I know they go into their staff meetings at 2-2:30ish, and they will usually print out the staff's nametags either right before their meeting, or right after, so they're ready when we get there. Out of consideration for THEM, and to manage the flow so that we wouldn't have an issue when I arrived, I called them at 1 to make sure they'd changed my name in their system LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD, so they wouldn't have to reprint my nametag when I got there and it was wrong. My experience with the office staff is that they are inept, flaky, dishonest, uncommitted, selfish people, so I figured I should probably make the extra effort and remind them. Please note that at any other business, I wouldn't have to do this, because their customer service would be at LEAST decent, and would not care to change my name in their records. When I call to ensure this, I am told "Well, we'll discuss it in our staff meeting."
"Okay!" I say, thinking that the Executive Director will be in there and she will have enough sense in her to grant this wish. I mean, even I can see how petty and time-wasting this would be to bring up in my staff meeting if I were her, so of course she would see that and hurriedly dismiss the item, right?

When I get there, the nametags aren't printed and I ask "So, what's the decision." I am told "We've decided you can't set that precedent until your name is legally changed." -- and then without so much as a breath to allow any response: "And we thank you for honoring our decision." Okay...thank you for handing me to the recorded answer system, now where's the real human I thought I was speaking to a moment ago??

That's something I cannot stand about Great Life: they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and are completely unwilling to bend to anyone else's will in any moment. Which is why they are sinking. I know this because I've experienced this in MY life. When I am unwilling to allow any change in my life, I tank. And fast. And honestly, I think that those who run GLF are so blind and out of touch that they don't even realize what's going on around them. They don't realize the grads hate the workers (not even dislike -- they hate them). They don't realize that almost every choice they make is a HUGE mistake, and could have gone so much better had they allowed themselves room to receive feedback. When you say "Sure, I'll hear your feedback!" and then slam the door while the other person talks, you are not receiving feedback. You're simply putting on a REALLY bad (blind) show. And unfortunately for them and the grads who are still in their GLF-honeymoon phase, they will only continue going downhill in that stance, with their heels dug into the mud. At this point, I'm honestly just waiting for their mudslide.

Now, there are so many ways to look at this name thing. The first question I pose is: What would be the repercussions if they changed my name on my nametag to what my name now is? What is it that would possibly happen in their mind that it warrants pissing off one of their strongest grads? When making decisions for a business, I would think that they would use a business mindset.

SO: how much revenue would they lose from switching my name from Ryan to Apollo on a nametag? As a business, that should be their number one bottom line priority. I don't see it having any effect on their income stream. I just don't see how that could possibly have any effect on their income stream. I almost said "Well, they'd have to print out a nametag, but no matter what name I have on there, they'll still have to print out a nametag. And I could say that Apollo is two letters longer than Ryan and Leonidas is two letters longer than Rieger, so they'd be using four more letters worth of toner, but: they will end up printing out an Apollo nametag once I officially change it with the law, so technically, it's actually counter-productive financially for them to NOT print Apollo now, because they will be wasting a whole nametag ensemble, as well as ten letters worth of toner (R-Y-A-N-R-I-E-G-E-R).

Next, how would changing my name on my nametag affect the graduates of the training? And how would that then affect their bottom line? Well, it could show the graduates that they are willing to receive graduate input and follow it. What a horrendous idea! They (APPARENTLY) have worked so hard to prove instead that they are rigid, inflexible, and know how everything should be done at Great Life! So, IF this was even the concept that people adopted from them printing a new nametag, it would only -- really -- be for the better.

Now, on MY side of this whole thing, I was PISSED when Jen told me this -- in my eyes, the wrong decision made, out of nowhere -- and I was steaming in my music-corner for a while. I processed myself (sidebar: because I am DAMN good at it, Chris! lol) and realized that I am coming from ego with it. I wanted my nametag to say Apollo because I want to brand myself as Apollo. For clarity: I did not name myself to be branded as Apollo, I named myself Apollo because it fit the best for me. What I mean RE: my nametag is that I don't want to have to deal with more people being confused by my name change, and having to explain everything to them. We are curious creatures, us human beings, and we love stories. I cannot count how many times I have been asked to tell my story about my name change; suffice it to say that it started as a HELLA long story and I've been asked enough times that I have now distilled it down to "Because I like it." LOL. My ego was upset that I didn't get my way, and that I would have to take (yet another) difficult path down this roadway to complete renaissance as Apollo.

Yet, I think of Great Life again. I remember that they changed their name from Harmony Institute to The Great Life Foundation, and they expected people to call them that. Because they chose it as what they wanted to be represented as. Yet they are unwilling to do the same for a grad. It is still frustrating to me.

Moving on: I feel alone. I went out and walked around a bit outside right before I started this post, and I felt deeply alone, which I thought was pretty odd. I have felt amazing since I've returned from Cali (details to come next week), and I've completely fulfilled and my own person finally, and it has been wonderful. And then tonight I felt alone. I thought "It's nighttime. I want someone with me right now to cuddle me as we fall asleep, nestled in one another's loving arms. I don't have that. I feel alone. I am surrounded by so many amazing, wonderful, loving people. And I still feel alone." It was definitely an interesting moment. And I will delve deeper into that tomorrow during training, for two reasons:
1. It feels like my heart right now is telling me that is the more suitable place for this inquiry and
2.My body -- and eyelids specifically -- are telling me that right now is NOT the more suitable place for this inquiry. :)

I love you. I look forward to sharing all my learning with you!! <3

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo

One-Third Imperfection

I am afraid of people’s judgments. I have always known that I can be whatever I want to be, and I can do whatever I want to do, literally, ANYthing. I can pretty easily master anything as long as I put some effort into it. And I’ve forgotten that for a while. I’ve let my fear of how people will judge me get in my way of being truly who I am, and who I deserve to let the world see.

In my mind, I was absolutely perfect until I was 18. Yes, I know I’ve made mistakes, especially during my teen years, but I’d never viewed myself as a failure, or having failed. Then I turned 18, I realized I was gay, came out and I felt the weight of all my failures fall on top of me. I made a conscious choice to be a more authentic me and I felt crash on me all the blows to my perfection that I had longed pushed aside. At least, this is my theory. All I know is that at age 18, I started hating myself and believing myself to be one giant failure, and that coincides with the age I went to college and the age I came out.

I’ve wasted the last seven and a half years (one-third) of my life wallowing in my failures one at a time, accumulating interest as I went, and by this I have suffocated myself. I can very well coach others to break out of what they let suffocate them, and am just barely recognizing this about myself. To me that is ironic. An ironic blessing, I guess.

Tonight, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel like the bag is off my head, just that I’ve loosened my grip on it. I do not now feel like I am perfect in the manner I did before, but I know that I love myself, and I feel like I am able to make some headway on the last seven and a half years of my life. I can’t relive them, and I can’t change them, but I CAN change the route down which I am driving. I can change the little voices that are whispering to me from ones of judgment, guilt, lies, hatred and fear to ones of love, self-promotion, encouragement and truth.

So that’s where I’m going to start. Please join me along this journey.

I love you.

Ry

These Thoughtless Words are Breaking Us Apart

Why???
WHY???
Why the fuck do we judge people?? What is so important about us that we choose to judge other people?? Right and left, we do it. Life is so much more precious than the words we put to it. I just read a friend's blog....and to be honest, I don't know if I should even call her a friend. Our relationship emerged as mentor/student, grew to acquaintances, evolved to loved ones (but not too close), and suddenly spiraled down to frenemies. We built the demise of our friendship on a bridge burnt by judgments.

I read posts on her blog, and I was tearing up. The preciousness of life she presented was The Absolute Truth. I noticed every single judgment I had of her. I felt every single judgment she'd had of me. And it hurt SO bad. I don't know all the judgments she holds against me, I only know the ones I hold against her, but it hurt. Probably worse because of that. Because I don't know her judgments yet I CONTINUE to throw mine at her. I can't believe I have been content to perform that role for so long! Way to be a stereotype, Ry: the petty, judgmental queer. Tomorrow I will call her, and find out when I can meet with her and hug her and offer up my sorrow and humble myself before her, creating clarity between us and a new beginning.

Being judged hurts. Bottom line. So why -- seriously, now, WHY -- would we ever rationally choose to judge one another? Please assist me in stopping judgment. I will do my part; please do your part. Judgment hurts, it keeps us FAR separated, and only aids us in concocting falsehood in the rest of our lives. Thank you for your assistance, loved ones.

With Sorrow, Humility and Grace,

Ryan.