I am afraid of people’s judgments. I have always known that I can be whatever I want to be, and I can do whatever I want to do, literally, ANYthing. I can pretty easily master anything as long as I put some effort into it. And I’ve forgotten that for a while. I’ve let my fear of how people will judge me get in my way of being truly who I am, and who I deserve to let the world see.
In my mind, I was absolutely perfect until I was 18. Yes, I know I’ve made mistakes, especially during my teen years, but I’d never viewed myself as a failure, or having failed. Then I turned 18, I realized I was gay, came out and I felt the weight of all my failures fall on top of me. I made a conscious choice to be a more authentic me and I felt crash on me all the blows to my perfection that I had longed pushed aside. At least, this is my theory. All I know is that at age 18, I started hating myself and believing myself to be one giant failure, and that coincides with the age I went to college and the age I came out.
I’ve wasted the last seven and a half years (one-third) of my life wallowing in my failures one at a time, accumulating interest as I went, and by this I have suffocated myself. I can very well coach others to break out of what they let suffocate them, and am just barely recognizing this about myself. To me that is ironic. An ironic blessing, I guess.
Tonight, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel like the bag is off my head, just that I’ve loosened my grip on it. I do not now feel like I am perfect in the manner I did before, but I know that I love myself, and I feel like I am able to make some headway on the last seven and a half years of my life. I can’t relive them, and I can’t change them, but I CAN change the route down which I am driving. I can change the little voices that are whispering to me from ones of judgment, guilt, lies, hatred and fear to ones of love, self-promotion, encouragement and truth.
So that’s where I’m going to start. Please join me along this journey.
I love you.
Ry
Showing posts with label risk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label risk. Show all posts
5.28.2010
7.09.2009
Squeaking it in...
Okay, blog buddies, it is currently 11:32 pm, and I haven't yet written a blog for the day....I got online to hurry and check Facebook and to make sure I kept my commitment to post daily (except Sundays of course...), and I ended up spending an hour of my hour and a half on Facebook (and I'm technically not even finished playing on it...), so I thought "Wow, Ryan, laaaaame" and then I thought "So you should probably get your ass over to your blog about now and post something!!" So here I am! Voila! :)
So I will keep this short and sweet and hopefully have more time to blog tomorrow so we can move on to some really cool concepts...
Well, not that tonight's blog isn't a really cool concept...in fact, it may be even cooler than tomorrow's blog, to be honest.
So I was staffing Founders tonight, and I decided to take a risk...(AHH!! SCARY!!)
I've been planning a business called Get Smashed! for a couple months now, and I've stalled right there in the planning process (like usual...), and it is my dream business, so I'm sick of getting in my own way -- I want to get it off the ground NOW. SO, I walk outside of The Great Life Foundation building and ask a couple whom I love, trust and know care about me, if they would invest in it so I can get it up and running.
Before I told them my idea, the husband said, "Well, I rarely invest in outside businesses anymore, and if I do, it's only ever in an industry I know, 'cause I've gotten burned through the years by investing in industries I didn't know anything about." This totally makes sense, so I completely honor him for it, and think "Shit, my idea is something most people have never heard of, let alone spent years involving themselves in...I'm probably screwed..." and then he asks "So what's your business idea?" and, totally caught off-guard, I tell him all about it, in a REALLY great presentation, for having none of my financial or presentation materials with me! His interest is piqued and I can tell he enjoys the idea. And he says "Well, you know, you could easily get that up and running with less than $1,000 without even having a building to rent or own or anything like that..." and I asked for more advice/feedback, 'cause I've been married to my idea for months now, so I don't immediately see that, and he and his wife provide some, and I am completely grateful. So I have that info to mull over, and in the meantime, I have a couple thousand dollars to raise in the next week or two.
I go inside Great Life, and I see two very beautiful, wise, loving souls: Jana Holm and Jess Anderson. So I skip over to Jess and take a hug from him and tell him "Thank you for this hug, I need it, I need to feel safe right now." And he asks what is up, and I tell him about the adventure outside, and he provides some love and feedback and I tell him "Yeah, butttttttt..." haha "Yeah, butttttt, I want to start NOW and if I have to start it smaller like the couple is suggesting, then it would take much longer and much more work!" and then we start "randomly" talking about the mirrors that are hanging in the back lobby over the couches. I say "randomly" because we didn't have a purpose for talking about them, but the Universe had a purpose for us talking about them.
For those that don't know or remember, there is one mirror hanging over each couch on both the north side and the south side of the back lobby. These mirrors have, like "doors" on them...shutters I guess, but the shutters are wire design, so even when they're closed, you can still see much of the mirror. I express how I hate it when people close them. I would always walk through the lobby when I worked at Great Life and open them if they were closed, and then I'd walk back through about 5 minutes later, and they'd be closed again! This would happen ALL the time, and I found it so frustrating because it totally disturbed the chi that was running throughout the building. And Great Life deserves to keep its chi flowing well because it is such an emotional space. And Jess says "You know, it doesn't surprise me at all that people close those mirrors. It is so much easier to look through a mirror that's partially closed than a fully open mirror."
WOW. Never was one phrase, so simple, and simultaneously so complex. It was beautiful....poetic, really. And it hits me like a 20-pound sack of flour, getting its white powder all over my face: The closed mirror is the easier way out. It is the path down which you could stroll and never see the full truth, and always be a version of happy. True joy, peace, love, prosperity, whatever it is you want, will only ever come from the path less travelled, that of the fully open mirror. I wanted so badly to take the easy path and only ever see part of the mirror part of the time, so that that way I could deal with it. I could deal with any failure, any feedback, any perceived setbacks if I only saw them one, or a few, at a time. But to have 16 failures punch me in the face all at once, well, dear God, that would be impossible to overcome. "I am NOT that powerful" is exactly what floated through my mind. I almost cried. Instead, I laughed at my ego. and I told it "You know what, Ego? You'll just have to do your best to prove yourself right, because I know you are wrong, and I will do my best to prove MYself right, and I will always beat you out. Truth will always beat lies, and that's all the ego is, is lies." And hot DAMN, I can't wait to see this explode. I will create it, I technically am creating it, even in my sleep, even in my subconscious, I can feel it creeping in right now...those genius ideas, those loving thoughts, those creative inspirations...they are creeping into my head right now to ferment while I sleep and explode when I awake in order to fulfill my drive to succeed. I can feel it, and I just can't get over it. And I LOVE that.
I don't want to stop writing yet, 'cause it is so exciting and fulfilling to write about it and remember the experience and remember how amazing I am, but it is about one minute until midnight, so it is time for me to post this. I will just have to go out and create MANY more experiences like this to revel in again and again and again.
With Love, Peace, Gratitude and Such Heartfelt Appreciation to You, My Reader,
Ryan!
So I will keep this short and sweet and hopefully have more time to blog tomorrow so we can move on to some really cool concepts...
Well, not that tonight's blog isn't a really cool concept...in fact, it may be even cooler than tomorrow's blog, to be honest.
So I was staffing Founders tonight, and I decided to take a risk...(AHH!! SCARY!!)
I've been planning a business called Get Smashed! for a couple months now, and I've stalled right there in the planning process (like usual...), and it is my dream business, so I'm sick of getting in my own way -- I want to get it off the ground NOW. SO, I walk outside of The Great Life Foundation building and ask a couple whom I love, trust and know care about me, if they would invest in it so I can get it up and running.
Before I told them my idea, the husband said, "Well, I rarely invest in outside businesses anymore, and if I do, it's only ever in an industry I know, 'cause I've gotten burned through the years by investing in industries I didn't know anything about." This totally makes sense, so I completely honor him for it, and think "Shit, my idea is something most people have never heard of, let alone spent years involving themselves in...I'm probably screwed..." and then he asks "So what's your business idea?" and, totally caught off-guard, I tell him all about it, in a REALLY great presentation, for having none of my financial or presentation materials with me! His interest is piqued and I can tell he enjoys the idea. And he says "Well, you know, you could easily get that up and running with less than $1,000 without even having a building to rent or own or anything like that..." and I asked for more advice/feedback, 'cause I've been married to my idea for months now, so I don't immediately see that, and he and his wife provide some, and I am completely grateful. So I have that info to mull over, and in the meantime, I have a couple thousand dollars to raise in the next week or two.
I go inside Great Life, and I see two very beautiful, wise, loving souls: Jana Holm and Jess Anderson. So I skip over to Jess and take a hug from him and tell him "Thank you for this hug, I need it, I need to feel safe right now." And he asks what is up, and I tell him about the adventure outside, and he provides some love and feedback and I tell him "Yeah, butttttttt..." haha "Yeah, butttttt, I want to start NOW and if I have to start it smaller like the couple is suggesting, then it would take much longer and much more work!" and then we start "randomly" talking about the mirrors that are hanging in the back lobby over the couches. I say "randomly" because we didn't have a purpose for talking about them, but the Universe had a purpose for us talking about them.
For those that don't know or remember, there is one mirror hanging over each couch on both the north side and the south side of the back lobby. These mirrors have, like "doors" on them...shutters I guess, but the shutters are wire design, so even when they're closed, you can still see much of the mirror. I express how I hate it when people close them. I would always walk through the lobby when I worked at Great Life and open them if they were closed, and then I'd walk back through about 5 minutes later, and they'd be closed again! This would happen ALL the time, and I found it so frustrating because it totally disturbed the chi that was running throughout the building. And Great Life deserves to keep its chi flowing well because it is such an emotional space. And Jess says "You know, it doesn't surprise me at all that people close those mirrors. It is so much easier to look through a mirror that's partially closed than a fully open mirror."
WOW. Never was one phrase, so simple, and simultaneously so complex. It was beautiful....poetic, really. And it hits me like a 20-pound sack of flour, getting its white powder all over my face: The closed mirror is the easier way out. It is the path down which you could stroll and never see the full truth, and always be a version of happy. True joy, peace, love, prosperity, whatever it is you want, will only ever come from the path less travelled, that of the fully open mirror. I wanted so badly to take the easy path and only ever see part of the mirror part of the time, so that that way I could deal with it. I could deal with any failure, any feedback, any perceived setbacks if I only saw them one, or a few, at a time. But to have 16 failures punch me in the face all at once, well, dear God, that would be impossible to overcome. "I am NOT that powerful" is exactly what floated through my mind. I almost cried. Instead, I laughed at my ego. and I told it "You know what, Ego? You'll just have to do your best to prove yourself right, because I know you are wrong, and I will do my best to prove MYself right, and I will always beat you out. Truth will always beat lies, and that's all the ego is, is lies." And hot DAMN, I can't wait to see this explode. I will create it, I technically am creating it, even in my sleep, even in my subconscious, I can feel it creeping in right now...those genius ideas, those loving thoughts, those creative inspirations...they are creeping into my head right now to ferment while I sleep and explode when I awake in order to fulfill my drive to succeed. I can feel it, and I just can't get over it. And I LOVE that.
I don't want to stop writing yet, 'cause it is so exciting and fulfilling to write about it and remember the experience and remember how amazing I am, but it is about one minute until midnight, so it is time for me to post this. I will just have to go out and create MANY more experiences like this to revel in again and again and again.
With Love, Peace, Gratitude and Such Heartfelt Appreciation to You, My Reader,
Ryan!
7.08.2009
Ahhhhh, thank god for blogs! What a way to clear myself!
Hey, blog buddies, how are you doing today?! I hope you are great. Today is a new, fresh day; a new beginning if you choose it. I hope you do, because life sucks when we're stuck, and when we refuse to enjoy life for ourselves.
Anyhow, at the beginning of May, I joined an MLM-type of company that distributes energy drinks. The company is called eFusjon, and it is really a DELICIOUS energy drink. Not only is it great 'cause it's delicious, but even better: I can drink it! You see, three years ago, I had a seizure after a night of partying during which I had a few Rockstars, so ever since, I have sworn off energy drinks because of the IMMENSELY UNHEALTHY amount of caffeine they have in them (and while we're on the health subject, let's not forget to mention how much sugar they have in them! Bah!)
Anyhow, I was introduced to eFusjon by a friend and I was like, "Yeah, whatever, dude, it's an energy drink, I don't give a damn about it." That was my front, 'cause I somehow had to convince myself to hate energy drinks so I wouldn't pounce on them every chance I got; I just loved their taste sooo much! Then he told me about their "Raw" version, which is the same energy drink, but without caffeine. And I was like, "Well, that's cool that they'd venture there, but it obviously won't work. Caffeine is the only reason the other energy drinks work....duh..." (Yes, this is the exact candid, uncensored bitchiness I gave him, lol). But in the end, I trust him with any financial endeavor ever, and would follow him off a skyscraper if he told me it would make me money and I wouldn't die. So I signed up. Note here, please, that I'm not trying to enroll you or sign you up. I'm purely writing my thoughts and my story because I think it's a fun story. :)
So, continuing:
I signed up because I ended up trusting what he was talking about. And I've learned that that's the only reason people will ever sign up for anything, specifically anything that they perceive will risk them money, time, or their reputation. I've also learned that people will trust other people for the silliest reasons sometimes! Haha. Anyhow, I signed up in May and I spent a little less than $200 doing so, and that was a huge risk/obstacle for me. I have clung to money like it's a collector's item -- at least when it comes to RISKING IT. When it's being blown on cute clothes, it just FLIES out of my hands! Haha! So I freaked out that I risked that much on something that's "not a sure bet." K, but technically, this is the surest bet I could possibly have put my money on. I'll willingly go to Wendover and Vegas and blow a few hundred bucks, which i silly logic because I'm completely betting on luck...some of the games involve skill, yes, but for the most part, I'm betting on luck. I'm investing money into something that I really have no or minimal control over. Yet this opportunity actually, logically, makes sense. 'Cause I'm putting money down on MYSELF. I'm betting how well I can perform a job. I'm betting that I can be a solid communicator. I'm betting that I have solid, trusting, engaging friendships and relationships. I'm betting solely on myself.
HOWEVER, I didn't realize this at the time, so I totally freaked out on myself. And because I freaked out, I shut down...I was already in shut down mode from having quit my job and not knowing what I was doing at that point, not knowing where life was going, and not knowing where my money was coming from next.....and then I spent some of the precious money I had! Ahhhhhh, my mind was going craaaaaaaaazzzzzyyyyy! So I shut down, and I didn't mention to anyone that I was a part of this club, and I totally hid. To illistrate how much I hid, I was talking to my friend Sara on Skype one day and she expressed that she was concerned 'cause I didn't seem like my normal self, and asked "When was the last time you left your apartment?" and I sat there and thought, and I couldn't remember! I honestly had to tell her "Shit...I don't remember......that's pathetic..." and she said "Yes. It is, Ryan. Get your ass up and go out. SOMEWHERE." Yeah, that whole hiding thing DOESN'T really work when you're in a position where you're only gonna be more successful by talking to people....
So the first month goes by, all the while I'm hiding from everyone. Of course, I don't have success, 'cause I'm nowhere near immersing myself. I'm just sitting at my computer saying "Go efusjon!" all the while hoping that eFusjon will pick me up on its lovely-tasting wings and ride me toward financial success and peace! (Feel free to note how lame I was being.) Meanwhile, my friend Lester, who had a direct effect on my having signed up, has signed up his 100th person. WHAT THE FUCK??? And Shawn, the guy who enrolled me into the club, is so successful he's already using it to pay for his house. K, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK??? So, little old lonely, Mr. creative poetic dancer kid over here is just retarded or something? Am I not destined for riches? At least not through this avenue? Does money not like me? Am I not good enough for money?? What a bitch money is that it would avoid me and tell me I don't deserve to be a part of its life and sneer at and mock me! Fine, eff money! I don't want any of it now anyway! It can stay in Shawn's hands, paying his freaking multi-million-dollar mortgage! It can stay in the hands of anyone, as long as it's not me...'cause I hate money now. It totally offended me. That bastard...
Yes, this is all the truth of what was running through my monkey mind. I am evidently VERY emotionally attached to money.
So at this point I'm pissed. Not just at my lack of money, but at my actual eFusjon cans; at the guy who signed me up; at all the successful people out there (not just the ones participating with eFusjon!); at the sun for coming up every day and reminding me that it's a new day -- a new beginning -- and I could be out there signing people up and making money and making rent and being able to eat for another day; and then at food 'cause it makes me eat it, and I need money to buy food to eat; and then at my body for needing food to run successfully; and then at my apartment 'cause not only is there enough reasons in general for me to hate my apartment building/company (like most other people, right? Lol), but additionally because it charges me rent every month, as if my being on this world is not grace enough to waive the "necessity" or paying a few hundred bucks every month to LIVE. In case you're still wondering, no, I'm not taking ANY accountability for any of this. Basically, screw everything and everyone. Haha!
So, I go to my friend's house for a "raw food tasting." She's on a new diet for health purposes, and is to eat only raw foods, and she decided to make an event out of it to share it with other people (and 'cause she's just one of those "event" types of people). I've always wanted to do something like this, and she's a DAMN good cook, so of course I go. For a while now, I've contemplated switching to raw food and as such, eat and live more healthily -- but in my beliefs, raw food is expensive....so screw raw food then! Mocking me with its health AND cost.....what a bitch....Wait wait, no, get over yourself Ryan....Just go TASTE the food...you don't have to be mad at it just because it is aligned in some way with money, and in this moment you're still choosing to be TOTALLY unaccountable for your anger toward money and eFusjon..it'll all be okay, just go taste some food....
And thank god I went, because Lester was there. But I was angry at him, and eFusjon, and money, remember? So, of course, right out of the gate, he starts talking about eFusjon (um, not helping, sir!!) and I'm just like "Yeah, I'm totally interested, and I'll pretend to be nice, blah blah" and then something just hit me. My higher self, I think. I say to myself: "Wait...just for a second...stop listening for a second (or half-listening, really)...stop thinking..just for a second. Okay, thank you. Now....what if you were mature." "Wait, what???" "Yeah...what if you were mature. Or let me put it this way, what if you weren't being IMMATURE?" "Hey, fuck you! Your my higher self, you're supposed to be supporting me!" "Just think about it and feel about it...what if you weren't immature, Ryan? Love you, bye." "Buh! Ugh, you just leave like that...whatever.."
"Wait, that was a really immature response, Ryan." "So?" "No, that's not where you're going, Ryan. Mature means you don't bite back just for the thrill of arguing." "Oh yeah." "Yeah....." "Sigh..." Okay. So I start listening to Lester. With an open heart. As if he's signing me up all over again. And then I get to myself. I think, "Yeah, well you know what, Lester. It's easy for you to say and do all that. You're, like, 33 or something? And you're already immensely wealthy, pre-eFusjon. you've got it down. You know what the hell you're doing. I'm just this stupid 22-year-old who's taking a stab at something he's never tried before, and has definitely never been successful at it before, who doesn't know what he's doing, and who has no confidence in his money-making abilities. And on top of that, because I don't come with a built-in foundation of people who trust my money-making abilities, like you and Shawn and Rich do, it's more (basically impossible) work for me. So say all you want, but we're two VERY different people, and I can't make this work." Note that I'm THINKING all this...I haven't uttered a peep of it. And then he says something that floors me. Lester: "And, I mean, look at Joe Blow [I'm keeping the name private out of respect]. He's young, to my knowledge he hasn't had any 'huge' success making money, or businesses or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't have a big following of people who think that he's a financial guru like Shawn or I do. But he's being wildly successful at it." Wow. That's all I know how to say, to think...I am literally speechless, so much so that my monkey mind can't even THINK anything! Now that's a DEFINITE wow. Haha!
Lester pointed out that there seems to be a lot that Joe and I have in common, especially in the Obstacles Department. So what's so different between me and Joe? Well, besides his fabulous body, beautiful blonde tresses, and perfect facial structure that is... Granted his outside is amazing, the biggest difference is inside. He's unafraid to risk. He's unafraid to fail. and probably most importantly -- he's unafraid to succeed.
If you have not yet read my blog entitled "Your Personal Brand, Pt. 1" then go read it now and come back. And then comment here and let me know how many of you ACTUALLY did what I just told you to do, haha! If you have read it, you know something very special. In it, I posted an image of the beginning stages of my own personal brand. Among the long list of everything I want to be thought of/remembered as, there were three I wanted to achieve very quickly. They were: Willing to Risk, Willing to Fail, and Willing to Succeed. I'm not even shitting you. Go check it out if you haven't yet -- and note the date I posted that blog. I went to the raw food tasting this Sunday: July, 5th. Not only was the blog posted before the raw food tasting, but it was written a week or so before I posted it. Holy Love, the universe works in mysterious ways, right??
So in that moment, I expressed gratitude to my higher self for directing my attitude toward being open for this talk, and I made a decision. I decided to let go of my jaded attitude toward the big, scary "Multi-Level Marketing" concept we all have. Yes, there have been some shitty ones out there, let's all just be honest. There have even been ones that were started specifically just to screw over their participants so that the Big Wigs could make just fast cash, let's all just be honest.
And in the spirit of honesty, let's all just be honest about OURSELVES. Whether or not we like it, money really does make the world go around -- not ONLY money of course, but it is definitely a large key. We've just made it that way as a society. This is a concept that has taken me a LONG damn time to recognize and to feel good about accepting...I'm the one who doesn't really care about money. My dream is simply to be in public service for the rest of my life. Always with one caveat: if I could make enough money to live like that. That caveat is always there. Not just in MY expressions, but in my mom's, in my sister's, in my friends', in my cousin's. Money is important in today's world; we have made it so. AND we like money! We love the abundance of money. We may have walls up against it for whatever reasons (Lord knows I did and still do to some extent), but we all truly love it. I mean, it makes the world go 'round! How could we not love it? It offers us the freedom to vacation to all these crazy places we want to go. Or to take three months away from our job and not worry about how we'll make ends meet and JUST RELAX! Or my personal favorite right now: To just make rent this month! :) Or simply to be able to take enough time off work to fly to Chicago and grieve when our mom passes away and we NEED to go to the funeral, we NEED to grieve. Or to take our kid to Disneyland every year for their birthday! I mean, wow, how fun would that be for your kid? I mean, I don't even like Disneyland -- even as a kid -- (yes, feel free to leave your hate mail in the form of a comment), but I'm sitting here as I type that, thinking "God, THAT would have been a nice childhood. I actually would have felt special for once." For these reasons, and more, I decided to let myself be successful.
And when I decide to love myself and be successful, the world shifts. The rest of the world jumps onto my groove and goes along for the sweet, blissful ride! I'm not even joking you when I write this: I shifted my thinking while at the raw food tasting, and by the time I got home, someone had commented on my Facebook page requesting more info about eFusjon. And then I talked to someone else and they got interested. And just last night I talked to someone else about it and they seemed hella interested in it. And before that day, any time I talked about it, everyone I talked to would say, "Look, I'm not at all interested, so let's stop talking about it!" right when they heard me say anything about that big, scary three-letter word: "MLM" (multi-level marketing). Now that I've decided to risk, and to posibly fail, and no matter what to definitely succeed, I have changed the definition of "MLM" just for me. I remind myself that it stands for "Me Loves Me," 'cause that's truly what it is about for me. It is about me choosing to love myself enough to risk and still love myself, and to fail and to still love myself, and to succeed and still love myself. That's what this journey is about for me. AND I get to make money in the meantime. Hell yes, I'm in. :)
If you're in, you can sign up through my web site www.efusjon.com/ryanlr or you can request more info from me, if you still need some to believe that you can succeed. Please note that this isn't a solicitation, and there's obviously no obligation or anything like that. And I'm definitely not attached to whether or not you sign up. I'm simply putting my link here so you have a way to sign up if you're interested in doing so.
My biggest wall was money. Coupled with my self-worth and self-love (or, more apropos, my lack thereof). And then top onto that my need to be right, my belief that I will never be good enough, and my fear of communicating with people. And I'm not just talking about eFusjon. eFusjon is simply a "symptom" in my life...it's another area in which I engage myself on this Earth. All the things I listed above get in my way EVERYWHERE ELSE, haha, it was just rippled over into my efforts with eFusjon. It was like Great Life for me -- a great mirror for me to look at how I do life, and then a sharp realization of how doing it that way is getting in my way of happiness, success, love and peace.
So what is your biggest wall? Leave a comment below and let us all know. Share this space like it is your own backyard, please. It is here for you and your free expressions.
Full of Excitement and Love,
Ryan
Anyhow, at the beginning of May, I joined an MLM-type of company that distributes energy drinks. The company is called eFusjon, and it is really a DELICIOUS energy drink. Not only is it great 'cause it's delicious, but even better: I can drink it! You see, three years ago, I had a seizure after a night of partying during which I had a few Rockstars, so ever since, I have sworn off energy drinks because of the IMMENSELY UNHEALTHY amount of caffeine they have in them (and while we're on the health subject, let's not forget to mention how much sugar they have in them! Bah!)
Anyhow, I was introduced to eFusjon by a friend and I was like, "Yeah, whatever, dude, it's an energy drink, I don't give a damn about it." That was my front, 'cause I somehow had to convince myself to hate energy drinks so I wouldn't pounce on them every chance I got; I just loved their taste sooo much! Then he told me about their "Raw" version, which is the same energy drink, but without caffeine. And I was like, "Well, that's cool that they'd venture there, but it obviously won't work. Caffeine is the only reason the other energy drinks work....duh..." (Yes, this is the exact candid, uncensored bitchiness I gave him, lol). But in the end, I trust him with any financial endeavor ever, and would follow him off a skyscraper if he told me it would make me money and I wouldn't die. So I signed up. Note here, please, that I'm not trying to enroll you or sign you up. I'm purely writing my thoughts and my story because I think it's a fun story. :)
So, continuing:
I signed up because I ended up trusting what he was talking about. And I've learned that that's the only reason people will ever sign up for anything, specifically anything that they perceive will risk them money, time, or their reputation. I've also learned that people will trust other people for the silliest reasons sometimes! Haha. Anyhow, I signed up in May and I spent a little less than $200 doing so, and that was a huge risk/obstacle for me. I have clung to money like it's a collector's item -- at least when it comes to RISKING IT. When it's being blown on cute clothes, it just FLIES out of my hands! Haha! So I freaked out that I risked that much on something that's "not a sure bet." K, but technically, this is the surest bet I could possibly have put my money on. I'll willingly go to Wendover and Vegas and blow a few hundred bucks, which i silly logic because I'm completely betting on luck...some of the games involve skill, yes, but for the most part, I'm betting on luck. I'm investing money into something that I really have no or minimal control over. Yet this opportunity actually, logically, makes sense. 'Cause I'm putting money down on MYSELF. I'm betting how well I can perform a job. I'm betting that I can be a solid communicator. I'm betting that I have solid, trusting, engaging friendships and relationships. I'm betting solely on myself.
HOWEVER, I didn't realize this at the time, so I totally freaked out on myself. And because I freaked out, I shut down...I was already in shut down mode from having quit my job and not knowing what I was doing at that point, not knowing where life was going, and not knowing where my money was coming from next.....and then I spent some of the precious money I had! Ahhhhhh, my mind was going craaaaaaaaazzzzzyyyyy! So I shut down, and I didn't mention to anyone that I was a part of this club, and I totally hid. To illistrate how much I hid, I was talking to my friend Sara on Skype one day and she expressed that she was concerned 'cause I didn't seem like my normal self, and asked "When was the last time you left your apartment?" and I sat there and thought, and I couldn't remember! I honestly had to tell her "Shit...I don't remember......that's pathetic..." and she said "Yes. It is, Ryan. Get your ass up and go out. SOMEWHERE." Yeah, that whole hiding thing DOESN'T really work when you're in a position where you're only gonna be more successful by talking to people....
So the first month goes by, all the while I'm hiding from everyone. Of course, I don't have success, 'cause I'm nowhere near immersing myself. I'm just sitting at my computer saying "Go efusjon!" all the while hoping that eFusjon will pick me up on its lovely-tasting wings and ride me toward financial success and peace! (Feel free to note how lame I was being.) Meanwhile, my friend Lester, who had a direct effect on my having signed up, has signed up his 100th person. WHAT THE FUCK??? And Shawn, the guy who enrolled me into the club, is so successful he's already using it to pay for his house. K, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK??? So, little old lonely, Mr. creative poetic dancer kid over here is just retarded or something? Am I not destined for riches? At least not through this avenue? Does money not like me? Am I not good enough for money?? What a bitch money is that it would avoid me and tell me I don't deserve to be a part of its life and sneer at and mock me! Fine, eff money! I don't want any of it now anyway! It can stay in Shawn's hands, paying his freaking multi-million-dollar mortgage! It can stay in the hands of anyone, as long as it's not me...'cause I hate money now. It totally offended me. That bastard...
Yes, this is all the truth of what was running through my monkey mind. I am evidently VERY emotionally attached to money.
So at this point I'm pissed. Not just at my lack of money, but at my actual eFusjon cans; at the guy who signed me up; at all the successful people out there (not just the ones participating with eFusjon!); at the sun for coming up every day and reminding me that it's a new day -- a new beginning -- and I could be out there signing people up and making money and making rent and being able to eat for another day; and then at food 'cause it makes me eat it, and I need money to buy food to eat; and then at my body for needing food to run successfully; and then at my apartment 'cause not only is there enough reasons in general for me to hate my apartment building/company (like most other people, right? Lol), but additionally because it charges me rent every month, as if my being on this world is not grace enough to waive the "necessity" or paying a few hundred bucks every month to LIVE. In case you're still wondering, no, I'm not taking ANY accountability for any of this. Basically, screw everything and everyone. Haha!
So, I go to my friend's house for a "raw food tasting." She's on a new diet for health purposes, and is to eat only raw foods, and she decided to make an event out of it to share it with other people (and 'cause she's just one of those "event" types of people). I've always wanted to do something like this, and she's a DAMN good cook, so of course I go. For a while now, I've contemplated switching to raw food and as such, eat and live more healthily -- but in my beliefs, raw food is expensive....so screw raw food then! Mocking me with its health AND cost.....what a bitch....Wait wait, no, get over yourself Ryan....Just go TASTE the food...you don't have to be mad at it just because it is aligned in some way with money, and in this moment you're still choosing to be TOTALLY unaccountable for your anger toward money and eFusjon..it'll all be okay, just go taste some food....
And thank god I went, because Lester was there. But I was angry at him, and eFusjon, and money, remember? So, of course, right out of the gate, he starts talking about eFusjon (um, not helping, sir!!) and I'm just like "Yeah, I'm totally interested, and I'll pretend to be nice, blah blah" and then something just hit me. My higher self, I think. I say to myself: "Wait...just for a second...stop listening for a second (or half-listening, really)...stop thinking..just for a second. Okay, thank you. Now....what if you were mature." "Wait, what???" "Yeah...what if you were mature. Or let me put it this way, what if you weren't being IMMATURE?" "Hey, fuck you! Your my higher self, you're supposed to be supporting me!" "Just think about it and feel about it...what if you weren't immature, Ryan? Love you, bye." "Buh! Ugh, you just leave like that...whatever.."
"Wait, that was a really immature response, Ryan." "So?" "No, that's not where you're going, Ryan. Mature means you don't bite back just for the thrill of arguing." "Oh yeah." "Yeah....." "Sigh..." Okay. So I start listening to Lester. With an open heart. As if he's signing me up all over again. And then I get to myself. I think, "Yeah, well you know what, Lester. It's easy for you to say and do all that. You're, like, 33 or something? And you're already immensely wealthy, pre-eFusjon. you've got it down. You know what the hell you're doing. I'm just this stupid 22-year-old who's taking a stab at something he's never tried before, and has definitely never been successful at it before, who doesn't know what he's doing, and who has no confidence in his money-making abilities. And on top of that, because I don't come with a built-in foundation of people who trust my money-making abilities, like you and Shawn and Rich do, it's more (basically impossible) work for me. So say all you want, but we're two VERY different people, and I can't make this work." Note that I'm THINKING all this...I haven't uttered a peep of it. And then he says something that floors me. Lester: "And, I mean, look at Joe Blow [I'm keeping the name private out of respect]. He's young, to my knowledge he hasn't had any 'huge' success making money, or businesses or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't have a big following of people who think that he's a financial guru like Shawn or I do. But he's being wildly successful at it." Wow. That's all I know how to say, to think...I am literally speechless, so much so that my monkey mind can't even THINK anything! Now that's a DEFINITE wow. Haha!
Lester pointed out that there seems to be a lot that Joe and I have in common, especially in the Obstacles Department. So what's so different between me and Joe? Well, besides his fabulous body, beautiful blonde tresses, and perfect facial structure that is... Granted his outside is amazing, the biggest difference is inside. He's unafraid to risk. He's unafraid to fail. and probably most importantly -- he's unafraid to succeed.
If you have not yet read my blog entitled "Your Personal Brand, Pt. 1" then go read it now and come back. And then comment here and let me know how many of you ACTUALLY did what I just told you to do, haha! If you have read it, you know something very special. In it, I posted an image of the beginning stages of my own personal brand. Among the long list of everything I want to be thought of/remembered as, there were three I wanted to achieve very quickly. They were: Willing to Risk, Willing to Fail, and Willing to Succeed. I'm not even shitting you. Go check it out if you haven't yet -- and note the date I posted that blog. I went to the raw food tasting this Sunday: July, 5th. Not only was the blog posted before the raw food tasting, but it was written a week or so before I posted it. Holy Love, the universe works in mysterious ways, right??
So in that moment, I expressed gratitude to my higher self for directing my attitude toward being open for this talk, and I made a decision. I decided to let go of my jaded attitude toward the big, scary "Multi-Level Marketing" concept we all have. Yes, there have been some shitty ones out there, let's all just be honest. There have even been ones that were started specifically just to screw over their participants so that the Big Wigs could make just fast cash, let's all just be honest.
And in the spirit of honesty, let's all just be honest about OURSELVES. Whether or not we like it, money really does make the world go around -- not ONLY money of course, but it is definitely a large key. We've just made it that way as a society. This is a concept that has taken me a LONG damn time to recognize and to feel good about accepting...I'm the one who doesn't really care about money. My dream is simply to be in public service for the rest of my life. Always with one caveat: if I could make enough money to live like that. That caveat is always there. Not just in MY expressions, but in my mom's, in my sister's, in my friends', in my cousin's. Money is important in today's world; we have made it so. AND we like money! We love the abundance of money. We may have walls up against it for whatever reasons (Lord knows I did and still do to some extent), but we all truly love it. I mean, it makes the world go 'round! How could we not love it? It offers us the freedom to vacation to all these crazy places we want to go. Or to take three months away from our job and not worry about how we'll make ends meet and JUST RELAX! Or my personal favorite right now: To just make rent this month! :) Or simply to be able to take enough time off work to fly to Chicago and grieve when our mom passes away and we NEED to go to the funeral, we NEED to grieve. Or to take our kid to Disneyland every year for their birthday! I mean, wow, how fun would that be for your kid? I mean, I don't even like Disneyland -- even as a kid -- (yes, feel free to leave your hate mail in the form of a comment), but I'm sitting here as I type that, thinking "God, THAT would have been a nice childhood. I actually would have felt special for once." For these reasons, and more, I decided to let myself be successful.
And when I decide to love myself and be successful, the world shifts. The rest of the world jumps onto my groove and goes along for the sweet, blissful ride! I'm not even joking you when I write this: I shifted my thinking while at the raw food tasting, and by the time I got home, someone had commented on my Facebook page requesting more info about eFusjon. And then I talked to someone else and they got interested. And just last night I talked to someone else about it and they seemed hella interested in it. And before that day, any time I talked about it, everyone I talked to would say, "Look, I'm not at all interested, so let's stop talking about it!" right when they heard me say anything about that big, scary three-letter word: "MLM" (multi-level marketing). Now that I've decided to risk, and to posibly fail, and no matter what to definitely succeed, I have changed the definition of "MLM" just for me. I remind myself that it stands for "Me Loves Me," 'cause that's truly what it is about for me. It is about me choosing to love myself enough to risk and still love myself, and to fail and to still love myself, and to succeed and still love myself. That's what this journey is about for me. AND I get to make money in the meantime. Hell yes, I'm in. :)
If you're in, you can sign up through my web site www.efusjon.com/ryanlr or you can request more info from me, if you still need some to believe that you can succeed. Please note that this isn't a solicitation, and there's obviously no obligation or anything like that. And I'm definitely not attached to whether or not you sign up. I'm simply putting my link here so you have a way to sign up if you're interested in doing so.
My biggest wall was money. Coupled with my self-worth and self-love (or, more apropos, my lack thereof). And then top onto that my need to be right, my belief that I will never be good enough, and my fear of communicating with people. And I'm not just talking about eFusjon. eFusjon is simply a "symptom" in my life...it's another area in which I engage myself on this Earth. All the things I listed above get in my way EVERYWHERE ELSE, haha, it was just rippled over into my efforts with eFusjon. It was like Great Life for me -- a great mirror for me to look at how I do life, and then a sharp realization of how doing it that way is getting in my way of happiness, success, love and peace.
So what is your biggest wall? Leave a comment below and let us all know. Share this space like it is your own backyard, please. It is here for you and your free expressions.
Full of Excitement and Love,
Ryan
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