One-Third Imperfection

I am afraid of people’s judgments. I have always known that I can be whatever I want to be, and I can do whatever I want to do, literally, ANYthing. I can pretty easily master anything as long as I put some effort into it. And I’ve forgotten that for a while. I’ve let my fear of how people will judge me get in my way of being truly who I am, and who I deserve to let the world see.

In my mind, I was absolutely perfect until I was 18. Yes, I know I’ve made mistakes, especially during my teen years, but I’d never viewed myself as a failure, or having failed. Then I turned 18, I realized I was gay, came out and I felt the weight of all my failures fall on top of me. I made a conscious choice to be a more authentic me and I felt crash on me all the blows to my perfection that I had longed pushed aside. At least, this is my theory. All I know is that at age 18, I started hating myself and believing myself to be one giant failure, and that coincides with the age I went to college and the age I came out.

I’ve wasted the last seven and a half years (one-third) of my life wallowing in my failures one at a time, accumulating interest as I went, and by this I have suffocated myself. I can very well coach others to break out of what they let suffocate them, and am just barely recognizing this about myself. To me that is ironic. An ironic blessing, I guess.

Tonight, I feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel like the bag is off my head, just that I’ve loosened my grip on it. I do not now feel like I am perfect in the manner I did before, but I know that I love myself, and I feel like I am able to make some headway on the last seven and a half years of my life. I can’t relive them, and I can’t change them, but I CAN change the route down which I am driving. I can change the little voices that are whispering to me from ones of judgment, guilt, lies, hatred and fear to ones of love, self-promotion, encouragement and truth.

So that’s where I’m going to start. Please join me along this journey.

I love you.

Ry