Right now I am battling with my self-worth.
*I had a threesome last night and totally proved my sexual prowess to myself again, reaffirming it after a LONG absence. On the other hand, I want one of the guys that was involved to be intensely attracted to me because I am attracted to him and I've tied up my worth in how much someone to whom I am attracted is attracted to me.
*My heart is fighting to retain my worth, and the battle is only going on because my head has collected experiences that want to barricade my from hurt by prepping me with the memories and saying, "Look, you're not worth anything, so don't get your hopes up." My head truly has the best intentions; it doesn't realize that when it says that, it hurts me.
*I love me. I truly do. I think I am beautiful, I think my pudge is cute, and my body hair is actually quite sexy :) I have amazing social skills, I am the life and center of the party, I motivate people to have fun, I understand business navigation, I know how to take risks and I know how to live life! I am quite incredible! :)
*I am not the best friend in the world right now. I still treat people like robots, like they are less than, and like they should bend to my will. But that doesn't AT ALL make me a bad person. It just means I have some loving and learning to do. :) What a brilliant way to look at it, Ryan: I get to practice loving people! How awesome :)
*One big reason I get so stuck in my battle for self-worth is EXPECTATIONS. My expectations for others really blocks people from trusting me and feeling valued by me, which all people want. Also, my expectations for myself get in my way of building relationships because I get scared that I won't be good enough and I get stuck in the fear. However, there is a beautiful, inspiring Greatness that casts that Shadow: my expectations for myself and others is what inspires us to dream big and achieve things we previously thought were impossible. Then we can be proud of ourselves for accomplishing said item and thereby increase our self-worth. It's all about delivery. When delivered through judgment or fear, I get in the way. When I state something grounded in belief, love and hope, I inspire.
Cheers to practice! :)
Love, Peace and Kisses,
Ry
Beautiful! I am proud of you!
ReplyDeleteI must note that the * in front of each paragraph (while making it look clean) had me searching at the bottom of the page for the exception or the temporary validation or expiration of the comment. Like an asterisk in a book or marketing page.
ReplyDelete... So, the duality of our strengths being our weaknesses. Yours being your expectations, that while they have you striving for greatness and the perfect outcomes, also alienate those around you.
How is that treating you?
Doesn't the same duality apply to delusion and reality, Honesty and manipulation?
I must say that my direct line of questioning to your blogs are inspired by how open and exposing your blogs are :) (something I admire).
Is it possible that all of the shit you dish out from your lack of self worth, treating friends like robots and the expectations you hold over others is really just shit...?
Is it possible that all the love that you have for yourself,that you are beautiful, inspiring and motivating is really by itself and doesn't have anything to do with the "flip" side of your shit?
Why do they have to be a duality? Why do we find the need to validate our shit instead of just calling it as such?
Maybe it goes back to the fundamental need to be a "good" person. But then that goes back to good verses evil and what is good?
Is it possible that deep down, ingrained in you from your religious up bringing, there is still a part of you attempting to validate that you, Ryan Reiger are good?
And that even your shit, some how, in some "learning the lesson" type of way, is really "good"?
What if it was just shit? What does that say about you? What if your want for it to define you as good is what is keeping the shit in your life?
Last one i swear...
Who says shit is bad? I know people that spread it on gardens :)
I love you. Get the hell over this "not worth it" bullshit. You can't be THE BEST WING-MAN IN THE HISTORY OF WING MEN, and not be fucking awesome. Done. Enough said. I'll see your sexy ass soon enough.
ReplyDelete