I'm Not Perfect (Dammit), and I'm Learning...

Wow....reading through my blogs the past little bit, I've become aware of how much of a victim I've been lately. Why didn't someone snap me out of it?? Lol. The more enlightening question for my life is "Why didn't I snap myself out of it??" I'll be taking a look at that as I go through my day today...

This is random. It's one of my favorite lyrics ever (it's by Shakira, in case you were wondering): "They believe you now have everything you wanted, and once you have become a star, you've got no right to bitch. But someday when you fail, they'll put you on sale and buy you by the inch."

What I'm noticing right now:
I want to filter my emotions. I wrote my last post when I was on a total high, and I read through it right now, and even though it is celebrating the glory that is me and 6 other loved ones, I read it and squirm a little bit. I'm afraid that I've let out my fullest emotions for some people, that I've been as vulnerable as I can be to them in that moment, and that I made a fool of myself, or that they don't love me back as much, or that I am awkward or something of that nature...And I realize that without letting them know the depth to which I love them, without handily slapping on a "Great Life term" to it (as an easily- and subconsciously-applied mask), I will never learn the depths to which they love me -- be that deeply or shallowly. I am learning right now that, in moments when I am not high off of deep, honest, loving connection, I would rather connect with others shallowly and dispassionately than be vulnerable to them and be able to learn where I stand with another. I would in this way, rather avoid learning about myself and my relationships (which could only make my life more fulfilling) than risk. Hmm. Interesting lesson...

It's the same way with money...I'd rather......even right now I am telling myself to talk about something else than to go to the depth I was headed for...NO, brain...I gotta do this...just shut up for a second...ok, turning off...
I'd rather be shallow with regard to my relationship with money than go to the depths needed to create peace, love and stability in my relationship with money...for fear of discovering the most horrible truth about myself...like I don't love myself enough, maybe? That was the first thing that came to my mind, and the reason I say maybe is because I truly feel like I love myself now...interesting.. "now" -- so the deep truth may be that I used to not love myself to make money for myself, and I am simply carrying that piece of baggage around with me in the depths of my consciousness. And that is what is creating my lack of financial stability. I can say I want money and stability all I want, but my actions produce the results, and based on results, I am not committed to stability. And freedom. Funny, in that my creation statement is that through my pure power and passion, I bring forth beauty and light, creating love, joy and FREEDOM. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I LOVE circular a-ha moments!!!! I took a look at my creation statement (hereafter referred to as "CS"), and realized that I found it humorous that I included passion in there, 'cause that is something I've never felt like I've really had before, but when I created my CS (this is version 2.0), I just said whatever words came out of my mouth, and that is what it happened to be. I see how I've created myself to be hella powerful, some beauty, tons of light, love and joy, and right now I am working on passion. And then I see freedom, which is not only ironic in this moment, but also I have a horoscope regarding this... I got it at the beginning of the year, and it has so far proven true in, like, every action I've had the opportunity to take this year.
The horoscope goes as follows:

When I predict that liberation will be one of your primary tasks in 2009, Virgo, I'm not speaking about it in the usual way. The definition I'm working with is one that the writer David Foster Wallace articulated: "The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day." I hope you'll be moved to add other nuances and flourishes to that approach as you experiment with it liberally in the coming months.

I will take this learning and apply it. Passion, freedom, stability, success and peace are all interdependent. I cannot neglect one for the other, or neglect any of them and believe that any of the others will come along without it. It's like, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Because it was following its higher self.

In Peace, Love, Joy and Gratitude,

Ryan!