Who knew P90X would open up my soul?

Blog Buddies:

K, so I started P90X yesterday after a day and a half battle between my fear and my soul. I was scared out of my mind, because I knew once I began it, I wouldn't be okay stopping it, and I've never committed to any workout program for 90 days. Hell, it's difficult for me to commit to ANYTHING for 90 days, and if you have seen my body, then I'm sure you're aware that that is evident. So I began it last night. I'm doing the Lean program, because I don't need to focus solely on muscle gain...in fact that's not even what I want. I want to be a cute little twink, and that means I don't need huge, bulking muscles...I need a lean, swimmer's build (and some laser hair removal! haha).

This is a revolution for sure. I've always been a huge procrastinator. Sometimes out of fear, but also just out of sheer not wanting to do something...and that has pushed me to stop pushing myself past the point of being comfortable...I very rarely push myself far out of my comfort zone. And if I do, I've always rationalized it in my mind ahead of time so as to limit the fear actually being experienced. And now, I've made this commitment. I've made a commitment with MYSELF to do something every day...even if I don't want to. I know myself...if I commit to do something and then I miss a day, I will not restart it, because I rationalize to myself that it was obviously not worth my time or else I would've chosen to stick with it. So, this has already proven to be a (worthy) struggle for my self. For my soul, really. And to be honest, I'm scared mostly of the whole commitment thing...I mean, if I commit to something for 90 days, then what will be my rationalization in the future for not committing to something for longer than 90 days? And then I'll have to do it. And I don't want that. Haha. I get that I get to choose everything I do, and all the commitments I make, but I will no longer have the excuse within me to not do it. And then who knows what sorts of opportunities will fly my way?? It's scary shit to live! And I just had an a-ha moment...I've committed myself to live in my shit the last 20-odd years, why not commit to something beneficial for 90 days, or more? That's only 1/80 of my previous commitment! That's nothing! Oh, man, see my rationalization at work?? Haha!

A couple years ago, Alicia Unruh said something to me that has stuck with me and reappears in my mind right when I need it. In so many words, it goes like this: how much of the life I'm living is reality, and how much of it is a false sense of reality?
I have created an IMMENSE amount of false senses of everything in my life. False fear, false belief, false love, false truth, false security, really everything in my life has a degree of falsehood to it, and that is what I am now taking on in my life, is increasing my authenticity. So let's start on the hard part (for me) -- my body.

As I was doing the first CD of P90X last night (Core Synergisitics), I felt the taste of fear...then I kept going, pushing myself hard -- then fearing I had pushed myself too far. I was scared to shit and at one point fell to the floor and started sobbing. The battle had surely ensued. I immediately thought "What the fuck am I crying about?? It's not like I've never worked out before!" and I am glad in that moment, I brought myself out of my body, because had I kept sobbing, feeling self-pitiful, I probably would have stopped right there. The answer came more quickly than I thought. My soul spoke: "Because you feel like a failure. You feel like these people [the trainers on the DVD] can do better than you!" Until now I didn't decipher the difference...I thought what was said subsequently was my soul, but now I see it was my Ego: "They ARE doing better than you! Look at them! You can't do better than them, you are weak, and you can't do this." And at that point, I stopped sobbing, looked up at the screen and said to my Self "You're right. Right now, I can't. And next week, after the next 6 DVDs, I will be able to do all the reps in this segment, damn it!" I pushed on harder, and I noticed something about my body. Something unique about the case I walk in... I could hear it. I heard it vibrating to me: "Slow down for a second...breathe...don't push yourself to exhaustion, just push yourself." This was the first time I heard my body and knew it was true. I was one with it in that moment. No rationalization, no excuses, no pushing myself to the point of passing out (or worse). Just hearing my body and doing its will.

All in all, I only completed about half the workout routine, and I am still surprised at how difficult it was for me. I think part of it has to do with my history of smoking cigarettes. So, I will continue the program as a smoker and see how it goes...See if I can make enough effort for me while being a smoker or if I get to give it up. I won't be doing the Cardio tonight, though...my body is DYING (a good thing :)) and I don't want to do it late as I live in an apartment complex where quiet hours are between 9pm-9am...going to Alice in Wonderland tonight, so I won't be home early enough I don't think...but I figure I'll just do it tomorrow morning and then sometime tomorrow afterward, I'll do the Day 3 DVD...I do NOT want to get behind. Thanks for the support, everyone, and I love you all! And I love me. I'm finally REALLY starting to build a path for myself to get back to loving me :)

--Love, Peace, Passion, Honesty, Vulnerability and Freedom