I sit here at a really good friend's party and I'm sad...I'm wondering what love has to offer up to me...I want one man so bad it fucking HURTS. And I'm confused why I will never be good enough for him. He loves me, we get along, we are great together as people, but for him, something isn't clicking, I guess....what is it?... I want to be able to create it for him, and for me. Sigh...
This year's word is humility. I am learning, over and over and OVER again, different aspects of humility within myself and it hurts. It really does. Who knew humility would hurt? I didn't...I just thought it was something that just was. I didn't ever think it would hurt me to be it...I just....I don't get it. I wanna get it. I want to be able to be the maker of my world..I want to be the one who creates everything in his life, and I can't create this. I can't make him be in love with me. And after 5 desperate years, he seems to be even more resolved in the fact that he doesn't, and that he shouldn't. And that I shouldn't. I just love him. That's all. With my heart and soul and everything that I can be, I LOVE HIM. So why can't he love me? I just don't get it.
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