Drum Roll Please...The Finale of Part One, August 2010

Alright, here it is, the finale of my August Part One experience, so get ready for a LONG list of learning (yea for alliteration!!) :)


Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.

Day Two of Part One, August 2010

Introspective notes from staffing today:

I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.

Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?

Day One of Part One, August 2010

Okay, so I am not going to rewrite this or condense it or summarize it tonight because I am way too tired. But I filled up 5.5 3x5 notecards front and back with things I learned about myself, and I committed to you all that I would write my learning every night, so I am going to do just that. And on Sunday, I will do a wrap-up/summary. But the following are the raw notes of what I learned in the moment and hurriedly jotted down.

I believe life is full of do-overs.
Why don't I listen to my natural knowing?
Why don't I trust it? Trust me?
Why do I hunch over (physically) all the time?
Why do I flagellate myself?
I look for stimulants (distractions) to confuse myself, to sell myself short, to dishonor my power, to prove myself right about my shittiness.
I'm learning why I hold on to all my stories. Learning how I let them run me. I pick the best story or the one that'll serve me the most and then apply it to a situation instead of just living in reality and being one with reality.
"Stop being an observer, PLAY." When do I throw up excuses not to do this? When I'm worried about my pride, or getting MY stuff done. [I get to go deeper and further here later...]
When and why do I use an excuse(s) to skew my results? When I can say "Well, it's a worthy reason..." or "Well, it's what IIII want." or when it's an "almost" situation.
When and why do I sell myself out to make others feel better about themselves?
I have trouble knowing when to abandon ship when I'm being open to new ideas, and when I should continue on instead. Comes from second-guessing myself and paranoia, fear of scarcity of time.
I've always needed to be better than where I'm at -- I've never just enjoyed where I AM. --> PRESENCE
"Most of the things that come out of our mouths are to keep us playing small" [I get to look deeper later at EXACTLY how this is true in my life, 'cause I know it is]
Looking perfect throughout the chaos is VERY important to me. Holding together the chaos is just as important to me. **Why not let the chaos be and me be? I'd be FREE.
My M.O. right now is to just be a bitch and then to do afterward go back to the relationship and do damage control and Reconstruction. MUCH more effort than ________
Why do I keep people at arm's length? So they can't get in and see the mess that I truly am.
I wake up in the morning, paint on the perfect/pretty picture, put up what I want everyone to see, then at night I wonder why I am SO tired.
My relationships are pawns who can make me feel better sometimes -- when I'm invested in my insecurities.
If someone has gages, I automatically put up walls of disconnect and lack of trust.
If all the heavens opened up and poured down on me, I would do everything I could to push it away 'cause I feel unworthy of it.
One judgment I had against Brett: He had no one around him willing and bold enough to tell him "No." I have now procured that I realized that. I have virtually no relationships who are willing to go against what I say...
I am a controlling, manipulative, people-pleaser
For the most part, I have trouble trusting black people, which is weird, 'cause I usually love black people more than white people and feel more connected to them....
I have been afraid that what I choose to spend my money on won't be the "right" decision and then I'll have wasted that money and I won't receive more, so I will have everything up. So I've chosen to be a gypsy and detached because then I won't ever touch "too much" money again and feel as wrong and stupid.
I deserve to create goals and COMMIT. FULLY. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT EVERY TIME. Not to half-ass it, like I have always done.
When asked to complete sentence "Life is _______" I IMMEDIATELY (NO hesitation whatsoever!!!) thought "Hard."
I feel like I don't have time for relationships, that they should serve ME so I can take care of other things -- 'cause I don't have the hole filled on my own. Fill the holes to be able to feel enough and create on my own. And relationships can be nurtured and I won't feel like they are all taking from me always.
No need to be afraid to go with my heart. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dead, and if dead, I wouldn't FEEL, so what's REALLY my issue with being dead?? And right now I'm LIVING DEAD, so I'm FEELING it! So I might as well step into whatever and take it on and live it! No need to sell out, no need to use excuses and not be who I truly WANT to be. No need to not be honest, no need to not fail, no need to fear looking stupid!
Brett said: "I may not trust one person with my car, but would trust with my kids. I may not trust one with my kids, but would my checkbook. I may not trust one with car, but would checkbook" and my IMMEDIATE response was "Oh, he's definitely thinking about me when he said the checkbook one" but I had absolutely NOOOO energy when he said kids or car.
I am bringing openness, presence, clarity, commitment and urgency.
I'm unwilling to do hard work even if it could lead to intensely significant movement.
The way I try to feel not alone is by having someone else engage ME. And I like to (usually passively) control/manipulate them so they do it the "right" way/MY way.
Lastly, I am working hardcore on how present I am. And even still, I caught myself 13 times not being present today.

And all this learning is just in one day!!! I can't wait for the next three!!

Learning The Long Way

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends,
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling...
Lived like a gypsy,
Six strong hands on the steering wheel.

I've been a long time gone now.
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down,
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

I met the queen of whatever,
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies,
Moved with the shakers --
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to,

No I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
I'm taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself.
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself.
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow,
No I, I could never follow.

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else,
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down.
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around.
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around...

I am a 23-year-old guy. I’ve always liked to think of myself as grander than I am, but the truth is that I am a 23-year-old guy who is trying to figure out what this world is all about so he can play in it successfully. I am incredibly powerful, and intensely loving, and I am highly intelligent, and I am beautifully creative, and my mind works in artistic ways others can never fathom, and I even am sometimes astounded by, and I am just living my life, experiencing everything that is going on and learning what it is about. And I just claimed this last night.

Others may have hopes and aspirations for me. Others may have agendas, biases and plans for my life. Others may see in me potential I have yet unlocked to myself; or others may see in me a reflection of the them that they lost long ago and are trying to restore. And none of that is me. To me. To me, I am just another powerfully creative, divine young man walking this earth, inspiring as he can and checking his best interest.

I don’t always know what my best interest is, and I’m a very “big picture”-esque guy, so I get distracted in the details and I get lost in the hubbub, the here-and-there. I see spirits, and auras, and movement of light and being, and I hear beyond someone’s voice. When someone speaks, I see their heart, and if their words don’t jump into their heart like a tiger through a flaming hoop, I know they are full of shit…in that moment at least. And I am astounded that others don’t have this gift.

This May while staffing Founders, Jayson Orvis came up to me and we briefly chatted. I mentioned something about Pamela, or a trainee, or someone. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was regarding their spirit. The offhand sentence I uttered – to ME – was nothing new…it was nothing difficult to decipher about this person…I believed anyone could see it. And he turned to me and he said “Well, yeah, that’s easy for someone like you to see.” And I turned back to him with a puzzled appearance and said “Wait. What?” And he said something like “That’s easy for you to see. You see spiritual shit like that” [obviously that’s not verbatim…] and my jaw dropped in my mind. This is Jayson Orvis, THE trainer of Founders. And he sees this as something special? Well, maybe that’s something I should look into about myself, because I’ve always thought it was normal for people to be able to think like I do, and see things about others that I do.

I continue to learn how great my perception and intuition are. I continue to learn the fuller scale of each and value them appropriately. I think that may be one of my ongoing life lessons…to attune myself to my gifts, validate them and then utilize and develop them.

This month has been a HUGE, intense mirror for me to peer into. It has been clear, it has been foggy, it has been missing, it has been perfectly representative. And I’ve chosen all those manners of being for my mirror. As I drove up to Salt Lake City last night, I had ample time to process. In fact, I had about ten hours, to be more precise! And the soundtrack flowing from my iPod could not have been more perfect in order to support me.

I’ve learned that I’ve focused on what I lack, how much I lack, why I don’t have enough, that I’ll never have enough, where I CAN’T get more so I’m even more doomed, that the Universe must be out to get me, why the Universe must be out to get me, paranoia and all the emotions that come wherewith. I have not spent most of my month focusing on abundance, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, joy, how the Universe has supported/supports me, or my power and worth. And my whole demeanor shifted once I realized that and started to put into practice the latter items listed.

When I was actually GRATEFUL that my iPod battery died before I got all the way home (because I was in Santaquin by then and was able to reset my radio presets, and re-memorize them by the time I got home to crash), my heart was light instead of dark, dank and heavy, filled with anger, stress and frustration. When my sister -- who I have been incredibly angry at and felt betrayed by for the past two months -- called, I was actually happy to hear her share how she was having fun and she wished I was there to have fun with her, unaware I was on my way up to the City, my being -- my actual divine spiritual being -- changed from one of premeditated murder of my soul to instead filling my soul with life and joy and respect and trust and beauty and compassion. I was light. And right now, I am light. And it feels really marvelous.

And I’m not saying I won’t experience the darkness, because life is a dichotomy and there is a shadow to every Oak of Brilliance. But now I have more frames of reference from which to pull in order to drag my butt out of my nerd. Which is good news for YOU: Maybe I won’t be so bitchy as often! Haha! (And if I am, please call me out on it – in a loving, compassionate, respectful way!)

I love you all.

Peace, Love and Kisses,

Apollo

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal,
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there --
I'll be there.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

I'll BE there.

On The Barbed Wire Fence

Right now, even, I'm afraid to start this post because of my pride. Haha!
Perfect.

So, how does pride get in my way?

Well, I'm known in a certain circle of friends as someone who is powerful. SO, when I really feel like I should reach out to someone for assistance -- down ANY avenue -- I don't because I am afraid of what they will think. I don't want them to view me as weak.

At work, I don't ever want help in growing, I want to do it all on my own, because I don't want someone to see me as weak there, for fear of jeopardizing my job security, so I hold in all my frustrations, take them home with me and analyze them here on my own, and then go back the next day and take on the job again, with a new, self-clarified vision. Part of that is that I don't want to look stupid for needing help, and the other part of it is that I don't want to look stupid by trying someone's suggestion and not doing it correctly. If they've mastered it such that they can teach it to me, and I cannot pick it up on the first (or heaven forbid, second) attempt, then I am an utter fool and will never learn, and their judgment of me in that moment will prohibit me from ever moving up, or growing professionally in my career. Either way, they are both self-limiting beliefs, and both stem from fear of looking stupid. Because stupidity = weakness. And weakness = uselessness. And uselessness = lack of connection. And lack of connection = death.

Pride endures until you ask it not to. So let's start easy. How does living in pride work against you? I'm not saying we all live in it all the time. But even the most enlightened of us live in it in moments. Moments stack up to become a lifetime. What are you AFRAID of (for pride is just an overcompensation for fear) so much that you'd rather live in arrogance? So much that you'd rather live a life that is harder for you?

They took your life
But they could not take your pride.
--U2
"Pride (In The Name Of Love)" from the album "The Unforgettable Fire"

Do you need to be the one who is seen as the provider? The one who is successful in her/his career? Do you need to be seen as the most pious? As the best at following rules? Do you need to be seen as the most offbeat? The most musically inclined, or artistically talented being?

What gets in your way? Please share with us.

The Flower and The Storm

Re-reading the post I wrote yesterday, I noticed a pattern. When I write here, I write about things I want to complain about, and I don't really offer to myself a solution, I simply complain. SOOOO many past events made sense to me when I realized that! I've had people tell me they think I think badly about myself (time and time again), and I haven't really understood why they'd think that...I've had people tell me I'm a total victim, and I'm incredibly not that, so it hasn't ever made sense....my readership has dwindled some, and I couldn't understand why, as I have been writing pieces lately that I feel are more active and dynamic. And then I read yesterdays' post, and things started to click.

I rarely feel like a victim when I get on here to write. Being vulnerable right now, I write here because I don't feel like I have people in my life who will listen to me bitch, whereas my blog will :) Everyone always wants to be inspired...they say they'd love to hear from me, and hear how things are going, and then the moment the conversation takes a turn into a place of vulnerable freedom for me -- when I start relating to them as a human, with flaws -- they no longer want to hear what it is I have to say. They don't want to have to deal with what I've got going on. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the truth of my reality...and from where I sit, I honor it as a valid choice...I know there are a lot of times in my life when I'm like "Hey, I've got a LOT going on in my own life right now, and as much as I would absolutely love to take time to console you, or listen to you, or show you that I care, I just don't feel like I have bandwidth for that right now unfortunately." And it doesn't mean I DON'T care about them, because I do. So I'm willing to concede when people don't have time for me. Which is one reason I blog all my woes on here. My blog ALWAYS has bandwidth for me. (I hope you guys enjoyed that technical pun :)

Anyhow, I see that people could see my complaining as being a victim, when I never propose a solution. This same sort of thing has always plagued me in relationships (meaning, my boyfriends/fiancee, not just "being IN relationship" with someone...) and communication in general...I do this thing where I talk to someone as if they know the other half of what is going on in my head. Lol. I unconsciously suppose that they know the narrative, the score, and the backstory of each character and situation. And then when they are lost during our conversation, I am wondering what the hell their problem is that they can't follow general conversation. And it only gets worse, usually, when it is conversation about heightened topics....lol. But I don't want to sit there and be like "Now, are you following me?..." or "Am I explaining this properly for you?...." after every paragraph (or less), treating them like they are kindergartners or something...Not only is it condescending, but it is also really inefficient. Lol.
Sooooo, how that relates is I never end up sharing the solution I decided on....I bitch about what's going on in life on my blog, because it is here to listen and then I craft a solution (usually) in my head based on what I shared and I internalize that solution and move on with it, and then recalibrate later on my blog. Mechanical, yes, I know...and that's not even, like, something I consciously came up with...it's just how my soul naturally works...lol.
Also, I know that I am a creator. I've gotten in my way A LOT regarding what I want to create, and actually believing in my ability to do so, but I KNOW I am a creator...not a victim. I'm still practicing how to create for my best.

I have felt bad about myself -- a lot -- in the past. And right now, I am figuring myself out...I am figuring out what is best for me, and in me, and what I like and want and need. So I can't tell you honestly right now where I stand on how I feel about myself, 'cause I have a lot of things going on in my head right now that I get to process :) OOOH look! Something SHINY!! ;D

And lastly, if any of these are reasons that you're readership (or, more unfortunately, friendship) has scaled back, I have a few requests for you.
First, please make your voice heard. Life is so much easier (for all of us) when we shout out to each other how to get out of our boxes rather than expect one another to have X-ray vision and see the directions that are posted on the outside of them. Plus, that is what the point of blogging is! Lol. To create a vocal culture, free to express everything we want, without anyone getting in our way (i.e., the FCC...). So please, vote with your voice. :)
Second, stay tuned...don't let me go the way of the LA Times just because I'm sounding like a victim...begin a dialogue with me to FULLY understand my perspective, and stay tuned for changes and evolution. :)

Love you all.

And, yes, I notice the irony in this blog that I'm "complaining" without proposing a solution (well, a solution for ME at least...). I don't feel the need to right now, so I'm not going to. :)

Love, Peace and Kisses,

Apollo
:)

The Things I Learned This Weekend:

-- When you and a friend smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one night and then both sleep in your bed, the lingering odor smells a lot like that night that you put rice on the stove to steam.....and woke up 10 hours later to remove...

-- That Del Taco gives me a LOT of PUTRID gas (sorry friends!)

-- Waking up after sleeping from 6am to 9am is easier than 9am to 6pm

-- That the little details I notice are amazing and terrifying: like my roommate's replacement of dead bananas with fresh ones on our counter; or opening the fridge last night an noticing a new chai drink -- and then seeing this morning that it's gone. Things like these are the only signs that tell me my roommate is still alive. His chai. And bananas.

-- That no matter what judgments are cast on me, I can choose to internalize them and prove their reality, or I can stand in myself, grounded and loving me and all of who O am and continue that same moment loving life (and my reality) rather than hating myself. It all lies within my ability to decide.

-- That I have a lot to learn.

The Sun Came Out Today

Which was nice. I was grumpy all day at work and didn't know how to get over it. It for sure didn't help my sales at work, which for sure didn't at all help out my attitude today...

And then straight after work, I met with one of the trainees I am coaching and got to assist her in getting through where she was at to the greatness she wanted on the other side. It was very inspiring, and, basically, we were both in the same energetic place. I didn't think I'd be very helpful, because I was so not grounded, and so not clear, and I just connected with her and loved her and I learned SO much from her... I'm so proud of those who choose to connect with me and teach me and assist me in believing in myself and furthering my life.

With Love and Gratitude to the Guidance of God,

Ryan!

My Body Is Killing Me

As I sit here, I think about that phrase....

Here is the current physical condition of my body:
I've suddenyl developed allergies, out of nowhere....(WTF?..)
I'm possibly fevering
I have had a congested nose for about a week
I have had a runny nose for about a week
I've got a scratchy throat
I can barely move my back and spine where it's connected to my pelvis
My lower right bicep hurts any time that I raise it above my head too far
My neck is tighter than it has ever been, specifically on the right side
And my back is also annoyingly tight...

I sit here and think "My body is killlllliiiing meeeeee"
And then I think, "Well, yeah, that's true."
And then I ask myself, "K wait, what, Ryan??" Lol.
My body is outside of my actual self. It is always aging, always diseasing or not, always deteriorating, and my soul is inside, doing its thing. I wanna say it is always getting stronger and stronger. And I wonder at the paradox of this. Why is it that as our souls get stronger, our body gets weaker? Why can't we have it all? For me to evolve spiritually, I must deteriorate this body?
Ooh, interesting tangent: I just read my Facebook horoscope and it said: "There may be a health or emotional problem you have to deal with, and while that may be something of a challenge, it could turn out to be more than worth the effort." Crazy!

Anyway, back to the conversation.
I see hope in the deterioration of my body, in that I love to evolve, and I love to feel like I'm headed forward...but then again, I don't want to depart from this world. As I don't know what is next for us -- for me -- I don't want to just die at some point and not be around all these amazing people I have connected with throughout my life. Hmm...

Something that is frustrating me lately:
I feel like I'm evolving, and I'm being this amazing person, and I'm doing all these things that align with this amazing me, and yet my financial life does not reflect that. I have been teaching myself how to be financially successful, and I am not seeing any successes...in fact, I am seeing the exact opposite. I have never been poorer, I have never wanted to do so much and not been able to because of my financial state...and it totally sucks. But I am, in the meantime, doing everything I can to continue on and looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

So as I sit here, I wonder: Why can't I have it all? I hear others doing so. I learn at Great Life that it's possible, and I trust it. And then it doesn't happen, and I get a bit confused...I get a bit distraught...and I get a bit more hopeless...and I just keep pushing on, doing what I can to have it all. But I am not feeling it. What needs to happen for it to finally click? When will I have it all? Be it all...

I need a neurosurgeon!

So I've been learning how to speak Farsi the last couple of days, and I don't know how to spell it yet, so that's kind of.........retarded haha, but anyway, I have been learning to speak it, and I keep running into a problem. The program is called Pimsleur, and it is the best program in the world apparently for learning a language. My brother Will has it on his laptop (admittedly illegally downloaded -- but I didn't do it, so oh well! haha) so one day I was over catsitting and I transferred it (as well as his program for learning Mandarin) from his laptop over to mine and have been listening to it randomly and pretty sprasely, actually. And I already know some phrases and words! For instance, I know how to say "It's 3:00" and a few other times and stuff, and it feels great!

Anyhow, the problem is this. It'll say, like, "How do you say The kitchen is green?" and I'll open my mouth and out comes "La cocina es verde." K, wait, slow down a second....It's teaching me Spanish too?? Wow, this is a wonderful program! Hahaha, no just kidding, I already know Spanish (and French). Haha, I seriously loved that joke...I'm still laughing at myself! Lol. AAAANYways, so it'll ask me to say something I was supposed to have learned in Farsi, and I'll say it in Spanish, or I'll say it in French. And I'm just like "Shit, no, I need to learn FARSI, Brain! Come on, keep up here!" So, the point of this story is that I need a neurosurgeon as a best friend, so that they can compartmentalize my brain for me so that French only comes out when I am in France or Quebec....and Spanish ONLY comes out when I am in Mexico or Honduras (or Spain...or Belize...or...eh, you know the drill lol) and Farsi comes out when I am learnin' it! Haha.

So I am loving my journey as a human lately, and I am especially grateful that I have this blog to remind me of all the things I am grateful for. Sometimes I will go through my day, even after I have had a great, inspiring day or experience, and I'll get caught up in the drama of a moment and carry that with me instead throughout the day. So reflecting on my journey, and on my gifts, ambition and love for self as I learn this new language and add this new spoke to my life, it is really fun and it feels really nice to accomplish something, especially something that I've wanted to accomplish for a while!

So what is it in your life that you've been wanting to accomplish forever? Or even for a month? Or even for the last 2 days?? Think of at least three things and make a list of them. Tomorrow's blog will go further with this concept, so be ready! :)

Until Tomorrow,

Ryan!