Day Two of Part One, August 2010

Introspective notes from staffing today:

I've gone on a rampage of trying to prove myself and to hurt myself.
Why do I go SO far and then just stop?? 'Cause I haven't felt worthy of receiving my dreams? I don't feel capable, I feel smaller than my circumstances, I don't feel powerful.
Being a creative problem-solver is different than being a manipulator who puts himself above the rules. I like to look for distractions and give myself distractions when I have the chance to go deep.
I hide my results if I think they may embarrass me.
When I'm stuck, I prefer stimulants as a false sense of forward movement.
I can't row my boat alone or I'll just go in circles.
I want the agreement of "attention given to me" instead of going out and claiming the attention/commanding a room.
I'm judgmental and cynical and I don't trust when other people are vulnerable.
Instead of saying exactly what I think, I "play to the room"'s vocabulary and intelligence to simplify and efficient-ize for people who I've established are stupider than I.
I like to gloss over the work and get to the party, and if I keep doing that, I will -- every time -- fall back into the hole.
How often do I left my wall(s) get in the way?
I am never my highest self; I use ego and joking to sell out and make it seem okay, but it's really just ridiculous. I really deserve to play at my highest self.
I'm okay using an emotional crisis as an excuse to sell out.
My first reaction when I can't understand why someone would give me a piece of feedback after I have been/am vulnerable is to get defensive. I search for whether or not I can understand it so I can then go to acceptance, or else to denial, then acceptance, then rejection of the idea, person, or both.
I'm noticing approximately 10 seconds after I'm not present -- when I am actually focused on noticing my presence.
I stop/slow down giving myself feedback if it's too harsh or if I feel it's repetitive, in order to avoid feeling bad about myself.
FEEDBACK = WHAT ARE THE WALLS THAT PREVENT US FROM HAVING A "10" RELATIONSHIP. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I AM NOT MY FEEDBACK. I AM ME. MY FEEDBACK IS SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE OF ME. This one was perfectly brought up for me this morning to get and stew over, and then get over, before the trainees came in today.
My paradigm is "I'm alone and no one cares" -- this paradigm provides a space for NO solutions to call someone and ask for ASSISTANCE (NOT help)
I will deny feedback so I can be right. I will play the Hyper-Aware card so I don't seem like a fool, so I don't feel oppressed because of my feelings of "less than."
I don't value/care enough about my life to fill it with things that I love and enjoy, and instead fill it with sitting around and doing nothing and being bored.
I'm expecting others to say "NO" before I even ask.
I haven't removed my iron plates yet and I keep falling on my face. To enjoy the party I just need to rip off the plates already. Engage. Connect. Truly inspire.
My mentality of the Universe and "Sea of Humanity" has been that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've been doing the same thing to IT -- playing red 90% of the time (packaged as Blacks of course), and black the remaining 10% of the time, so no one can trust me and my moves and whether they're red or black.
I inveigle my results in pride.
Pride = cover-up for self-hatred/avoidance of noticing self-hatred.
Thinking makes me feel unclear; action makes me feel very clear.
I'm still afraid of my father.
If I perform at my highest functioning, people will look down on me instead of looking up to me.
I use my history to determine my future.
When I am 100% conscious -- which I am totally capable of, but choose to lie to myself about -- I get everything done with perfect fluidity.
I still don't feel like I am a good/worthy leader.
I determine my actions based on how someone else acts toward me.
I've always thought someone has to win in life and someone has to lose. But if I play my best game, does it matter who wins, or if someone wins? If I adapt my perspective to be that we are all on one team, the competition and the "winning" and the "rightness" doesn't even matter. It's completely pointless.

Lastly, I want to hear from YOU what it is like to be in relationship with me. How do you feel around me?