Drum Roll Please...The Finale of Part One, August 2010

Alright, here it is, the finale of my August Part One experience, so get ready for a LONG list of learning (yea for alliteration!!) :)


Moving on and moving forward will require me feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Anything that challenges my “perfect world,” I deflect in order to avoid going straight through the middle.
I choose to make myself responsible for everything, I’ve chosen to be worthless. I’ve chosen to be angry, I’ve chosen to be in pain. I had no childhood and I’m currently reliving it and reinventing myself in order to progress.
I operate intellectually instead of with my heart.
I don’t take care of myself and I expect other people to take on my load, my share in life. And I HATE that. I absolutely hate that feeling. So I get to take on my life.
I intellectualize everything.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything, to be perfect, to have to measure up all the time, to control everything, I couldn’t just be me with all my faults, everyone would sit and watch and depend on me and I had to protect family, they were already broken so not only do I have to fix them but then I have to do it all perfectly right to protect them from further hurt and brokenness.
My expectations get in my way.
I’m reinforcing my sisters’ brokenness mindsets by being perfect. So it’s a huge stretch to be vulnerable – ALL the way.
I’m above the rules. I’m the exception.
“I’m bored, so YOU entertain ME." I believe this because my belief about true connection has been what people can DO for me....not what people ARE for -- or even WITH -- me. Until now.
"Efficient" isn't a way of being, it's a word I label as an adult.
I feel alone, completely alone and disconnected from people. I want people to actively connect with me, yet I'll fearfully push those away who actively connect with me.
I feel like THE outsider. Like people are truly actively pushing me away and out.
What did I feel like as a 6-year-old?
I feel like I'm in a dream world, like I'm not exactly in reality and like I'm in my OWN dream and that I can't get to anything and it's out to get me, as if I'm NOT in my own dream (seeing "Inception" may assist you in understanding what I mean here if you don't)...
I use life and the tools intellectually, but I never apply what I've learned to my relationships, which is why I am in a cloud and feel disconnected.
I'm not present when I'm stuck in my memories. I stay in a memory out of scarcity of time and attention and people valuing me and good experiences.
"Perhaps the way you show up could have dramatically changed the course of someone's life." My judgment of Brett did, ergo Brett did; lots of people hold judgments about me, ergo I may have dramatically changed the course of their lives based on my actions. This is not about censoring, but about living in my HIGHEST self. At my highest, I have it all in my personalities and relationships, whereas when I'm not at my highest, I'm choosing between and it's an if/when and either/or conversation.
If I didn't buy my own stories (and others'), it means I have to dig deep. My stories aren't the answer to my problem -- it IS my problem. Lead from PASSION. To inspire. Above the call of duty, way above the line. My stories limit me. And as afraid as I am to embrace it, I have a story that "I NEED to smoke. I NEED to have a cigarette as a buddy" and it is a lie. People around me will be mediocre when I am mediocre, because I am an inspiring man, someone that people look to for leadership. Instead of experiencing their greatness, I find ways to make it okay and as a result, people stay stuck. And then I wonder "Why do I achieve mediocrity?" I surround myself with mediocrity instead of those who will challenge me so I can be the king.
I cover up the big hole in me with a pretty picture/face/design, and then I can't see where it is, so then I walk right into it and fall in it and wonder how I'm going to get out and why I'm still falling into it and it's because I put the facade over it and hide it from myself and lie to myself because acknowledging it is scarier, but I'm sick of it now....sick of being selfish and a liar and I get to take it on already, no matter how scary it is. I get to remove my glossy mask.
How many of you feel a disconnect between my words and the feeling that normally comes wherewith? I have a massive heart and I disconnect my heart in order to protect it.
Instead of just claiming "I have this flaw," I say "I've had this flaw" as a false sense of forward movement, so my Ego Self can say "Oh, yeah, you're definitely past that..." Another facade to cover a hole.
I want to manipulate and control and guilt others and the only time I need to control someone is when I fail to inspire them.
I'm learning, I'm open, I'm purposely increasing and noticing my frequency instead of just playing life small and lazy and "easy." I put easy in quotes, because what I create in my life is a false sense of ease.
I am adding to my roster: "I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn to love this person."
"Nobody cares until I fuck up, then they'll jump into judge me, claim out how I fail, point out my flaws and ridicule me" -- this mindset is still here today and it started when I was a kid. One memory is when I was at my friend's house watching TV and his sadistically twisted asshole of a friend was there, too. We were skipping through the channels, and there was some "Heal the World" benefit concert, or something, on TV, and they were filling with air a huge globe, like, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade sized, and his friend said "Oh, go back to that channel!" I was so excited 'cause I love MJ and I loved that song hardcore at that time, so I thought they were finally doing something that I liked to do and felt so cool for a second and then the dick-friend said "Hey, Ryan, that globe looks like your mom's stomach!!" and started laughing hysterically, and I started bawling and ran back to my house and cried to my mom because I love her so much and they made fun of her for no reason and I was so sad about it. I felt vulnerable and connected and safe with those friends, and then out of nowhere, I was bombarded with judgment, hatred, denial, sadness and depression, and I didn't know how to cope and have never cleared that out. I just covered that hole and filled it in with something "true." This experience is also what lead me to be anorexic in my late teen years until the point that I started having seizures in college because my body had nothing to run on and so it started breaking down.
I had to excel in order to be loved and it is exhausting. I was never good enough for anyone's love, especially my family's, unless I was excelling. So I decided I didn't deserve to love me. I never felt good enough, but I had to pretend that I was so I could get their attention and love, and then I hated myself on the inside because I was this huge facade and couldn't tell anyone that I was, and then I started believing it all and my life went in a humONGous downward spiral.
I deserve to move forward even if I feel like I am being crushed. That is THE place I've always stopped and because of that, I get to about 80 or 90 percent, and in that way, I never get what I want out of life.
Smoking is a form of rebellion for me, and a form of "fuck you" to the world and to those who think they can tell me what to do, or control me.
I want to punish -- hardcore -- when I'm wronged...sometimes more than "necessary."
When I don't forgive, I can't live because I have all these straps holding me down.
Assumptions cause Confusion.
"I want that!" then I see the price and I say "Oh...nevermind!""
I embraced a complete stranger. I got to be received in love by someone I'd previously judged. I got to welcome and joyfully receive one who was judging me in that moment, even. It was very beautiful.
I want to create and broadcast a recurring public speaking and coaching event regarding how to free oneself.
I'm upset because I base my truth on others, especially those I trust. So to have someone say I'm not whole must mean they're right and I'm not actually whole. And what if that's true? What if I'm just a huge lie and I'll never be real because I have no idea who I am?
I have so many people around me who will tell me bluntly and with no compassion something for me to consider about me to learn about me, and I'd rather have people around me who tell me the truth in a compassionate way. Otherwise I feel taken from and I'm hurt and right now I don't feel the emotional stability to receive GLF-style feedback in my every day life. I get to have some compassionate, loving feedback while I build myself up.
I have a pattern that's really destructive for me. It stops me from being a creator. I get caught up in creating the dumb stuff and that stops me form creating the bigger picture -- the more important stuff, the stuff I REALLY want in life.
I've been in a tailspin since my training 3 years ago because I've been in this false sense of myself, a dream state, since. And now I'm actively putting into the vase the "big rocks" instead of the little bullshit. The "big rocks" are my vision of who I want to be. Over the past 3 years I didn't know who I was or where I was going and now I'm doing that and because I'm so strong-willed, everyone reacts to me in such a strong-willed manner. And I'm asking for the gentleness as I teach myself how to be. Yes, I'm inspiring, and yes, I'm beautiful, and yes, I'm worldly, and yes, I'm exactly who I am that everyone loves about me AND I'm working on myself hardcore and creating myself to be who I really want.
If someone can't trust me, I'm not perfect. If someone thinks I'm stupid, I'm not perfect. If I'm not this, this, this, this or that [all of my expectations for myself], I'm not perfect So then I hate myself and distract myself in the sorrow and the pity and wallow and stop moving out of fear of not trusting and fear of not being perfect again and being bad, sick and wrong. SO what if I don't hit these expectations?!?
I am so false!
I deserve to be teachable. When I think I know everything, I won't be able to move forward. I'll be there still in that place where I don't want to move forward.
If someone doesn't want to dance with me, I'm broken. If someone doesn't want to love me, I'm broken. It's all about me, in a total martyr way only every time.
I beat myself up about everything, when I could instead be finding the good in it. I beat up on the inside, while on the outside, I paint the glossy picture and pretend everything is good and okay.
"Everyone has a song of their own, you must listen, you will notice." Those are lyrics from a song a trainee sang. I feel like we all get caught up listening to our own tunes and forget to listen to anyone else's. I know I do. So moving forward, I'm going to remember to listen to everyone else's songs, and listen to the beauty of the melody instead of focusing on all the missed and off-key notes.
I am so angry at my body. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it and I feel so powerless and victimized by it and so I am angry at it. And all I do is compound the anger instead of doing anything about it. I could try to prove myself that I am powerful enough, but instead I just believe the lie that I tell myself that I'm not powerful enough and not worth enough of change.
I beLIEve I have to have special skills, education or some other endorsement before I can feel like I'm good enough to accomplish anything special/successful -- before I can FEEL successful.
I don't keep my word on my life.
I was sad in L.A. because I had no deep connections there. Yes, I wanted that experience and what I thought it would be, but I didn't truly want to BE in L.A. I wanted the connections in that environment. I wanted to be happy there. But I shouldn't need ANYthing to be happy. I almost put the quotes around "shouldn't" so I wouldn't be processed/given feedback about should-ing all over myself, but then I removed them which shows me I'm more committed to being open than to sabotaging myself and getting in my way.
I disconnect because I'm judging myself.
I've been okay using my validation as a distraction.
I have an agenda on how I SHOULD get things done instead of just getting it done.
Work as a kid meant hard, bad, wrong, boring, not me, no spirit or creativity in it so now that's all I've found (created) because that's all I've known it to be, so how could it be anything else? When I want to create a different avenue for life, specifically financially, I don't go after it because I think it's not going to be real because I've NEVER EVER had that experience of work! Or much of anything my life, really...that creativity is in any way good and I AM creativity!
I tunnel vision myself out of fear of connecting, more specifically, of connecting and the person with whom I connect not wanting to the connection and being all "Return to Sender!"
I use my cell phone as a way to control my life.
I can have shit coming at my life hardcore and I can be said and it doesn't mean I am a victim, as long as I am still creating, with A CLEAR INTENTION.
I never know how someone will receive my actions, but I do know that no one REALLY wants me to be rude to them.
I've always told myself that I'm fat for whatever lame reason...because then it's "hard" to get over and get skinny, so I can stay in my fat beliefs, when in reality, I'm fat because I am lazy: I don't eat nutritionally the majority of the time, I don't work out, and until Friday night, I hadn't ever taken care of my body with regard to poison-intake. Time to change that so I can continue to be free and clear. And it's not about the mechanisms of it -- those simply support my intentions. My intention is to be free and clear and that is where my focus gets to stay.
Brett said: I'm clear the Universe is a loving and supportive environment" and my mind immediately said "No...I sure don't!..." But I want to. So that is where my focus is and gets to be.